Episode 9 Mock the Week


Episode 9

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Transcript


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Programme contains some strong language.

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# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

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# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

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# Read all about it

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# Read all about it

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# News of the world News of the world... #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello and welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Dara O Briain.

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Joining me this week are Andy Parsons,

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Simon Evans and Micky Flanagan,

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Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Greg Davies.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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We start with a round called Headliners.

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Here's a picture of the Lib Dem top brass recently

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but what does CRCT stand for?

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Is it Cable Reaches Centenary Today?

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Cable Remembers Crimea and Trafalgar?

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He's got his finger pointed at Clegg.

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Is it Cable Reveals Collaborator, Ta-dah?

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Is it Clegg Regrets Couples Therapy?

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Is it what happened next?

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Is it Cable Reaches and Caresses Tenderly?

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Is it Cable Resembles Crinkly Testicle?

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Could it be...

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Can't Remember Choosing Them?

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Is it Cable Realises Clegg's a Tory?

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I think "tosser" would have got a bigger...

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Yeah! Shall I have a crack at that one?

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You make it political, I'll make it funny.

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Does anyone have the correct answer?

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Is it Conference Reveals Coalition Tensions?

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Exactly. Thank you very much, Andy Parsons.

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Yes, the answer I was looking for was Conference Reveals Coalition Tensions.

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This is the news that the Liberal Democrat conference

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has exposed growing tensions within the coalition.

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The latest claim comes as the Party's President, Tim Farron,

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says the Lib Dems have become "tainted" by their association with the Conservatives,

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comparing the coalition to a marriage heading for divorce.

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-Who has come out fighting this week then from the Lib Dems?

-They all have, haven't they?

-Yeah.

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Did you see what the slogan was for the Lib Dem conference?

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"In Government, on your side."

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and I was thinking, surely a better slogan would be,

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"In Government, still can't bloody believe it!"

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It's a very fighting talk kind of conference.

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"We're not the Tories! Oh, we are showing them every day!"

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What they actually said was, "We are blocking Tory laws every day."

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Like they're ninjas and things are being flung at them!

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There's going to be the biggest divorce since Paul McCartney dumped Heather Mills.

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Although, unlike the Tories,

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Heather Mills does lean slightly to the left.

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The tragedy of it is though, it's on the telly, isn't it?

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And these are a party in power,

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they're sharing government and the conference is on.

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And when you turn on the conference you don't think,

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"Ah, look, I really must listen to all these arguments."

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You think, "What have they done with Diagnosis Murder?"

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It's the language the press choose to report it in that's amazing.

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The Daily Mail always choose words to make the Liberals look more ridiculous than they actually are.

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They said that the Liberals were threatening to "flounce out" of Government.

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"Come on Vince, get your red box, we're leaving.

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"Talk to the hand, the legislative agenda ain't listening."

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And they said, "We're punching above our weight."

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Where I come from that's a really bad thing.

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"Oh, you're punching above your weight a bit, aren't you?"

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Yeah. In my town, you're punching above your weight if your wife hasn't got a beard.

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What proposal has Energy Secretary Chris Huhne announced this week?

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He's going to try and force energy companies to reduce prices.

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Something about... He is, yeah.

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He thinks people aren't getting the competition they deserve.

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The problem there is that people don't understand "energy supplier".

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The phrase. Particularly teenagers and stuff.

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You say, "Have you switched your energy suppliers?"

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And they probably go, "Like I was on Lucozade and now I'm on Relentless!"

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That is the voice of young Britain right there.

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I'm, in fact, on Economy 7.

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And that's supposed to save you money because the idea is that you do things overnight

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but I'm not sure that it does actually save you money

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because you tend to put the washing machine to go on overnight

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and then you actually forget that you've put it on.

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two days later you go back to the washing machine,

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smell the clothes and go, "I'd better put those on again!"

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Is Economy 7 saving you money so long as you're using it in 1986?

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Not that I'm aware of!

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I would say to you, Andy, that cook, cook, cookability is the beauty of gas.

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If you want to save energy, Andy, you want to fit the best. Fit Everest!

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It's called Economy 7.

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I've got something to say to you.

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# Boom boom boom boom Esso Blue. #

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Leave him, don't take the piss out of him, he's got a tiger in his tank.

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I don't get any of these jokes!

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Because I grew up in Ireland, I don't get any of these jokes.

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How about, "fiddle de dee, have coal!"

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That wasn't a popular ad in Ireland, thank you very much.

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It would make things a lot easier

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if there was an actual difference when you switched supplier.

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If they went, "I've gone from EDF to British Gas and now, I don't know,

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it looks a bit French, or something.

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Do you know what I mean? If it had something about it,

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it wasn't patently exactly the same gas and not just a different bill.

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You think the gas should come out a different colour?

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Yes! Or shape or something.

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Oh, I like this! This is new, ooh!

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# Dun, dun, dun, dun, du-rah! #

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Every so often a son et lumiere show would go on.

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My father is convinced that since they switched

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to a French-owned electricity company

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that it's coming through slower, he is sure of it.

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Does he think it's kinda coming, in a kind of French...

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"Bah! I'll be there in a minute,

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"why are you so desperate to have a cup of tea over there?"

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I'm still distressed to find out

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that my Economy 7 only existed back in the 1980s.

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In other news, what's going on here?

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"Here's Louis with the over 25s."

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Is it the eight stickers I need

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to complete my Panini Amish sticker album?

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Got it, got it, got it!

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Are they the victims of a ninth man

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who has been gluing people to rulers?

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This is a campaign against selling Stella Artois.

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These are the women you end up sleeping with.

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Or, in fact, these are the replies

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that convinced me to cancel my subscription on match.com.

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The bloke on the top right definitely used to have his head slapped by Benny Hill.

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I know, it's a poster for the new movie The Unusual Suspects.

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They are all Amish,

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in Kentucky they have been jailed for non-payment of fines

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after they refused to put reflective safety signs

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on their horse-drawn buggies because they're too modern.

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It wasn't one of the better University Challenge episodes.

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Amish University A versus Amish University B.

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Sorry, I do love the idea of it being University Challenge.

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And the scores remain zero

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because neither Amish team wishes to use the buzzer.

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He looks so much guiltier, that bloke in the top right,

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than all the others, doesn't he?

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It's like Father Christmas has been hanging out with the wrong people.

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Room for one more? Yeah, let's have a close up of one more.

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Ha-ha-ha-ha(!)

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You had this up your sleeve, how I would look as an Amish.

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You look like a young Ken Clarke.

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Are you sure it's not an advert for Regaine hair foam?

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It'd be a warning ad. "I smeared it here and it came out here!"

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OK, at the end of that round

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the points go to Chris, Hugh and Greg.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Now we play a round called Tinker Tailor Soldier Stand Up.

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This game involves Simon, Greg and Micky.

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So, if you could make your way to the performance area, please.

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This round is a stand up challenge. I launch the wheel of news and wherever it chooses to stop,

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one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.

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The winner is whoever I think is the funniest. OK, here we go.

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Let's spin the wheel.

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The first subject is fatherhood. Who wants to come in on that?

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Greg.

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My father has taken fatherhood in a very strange direction

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in the last few years,

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and it started about three years ago at Christmas

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when he announced to me, and this is a quote,

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and all of what I'm about to tell you is entirely real, it happened.

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He said to me, "Son, I'm 72."

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I said, "I'm aware of that."

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"I've decided from now on I should start behaving exactly as I see fit."

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I said, "I would welcome that." He said, "I'm glad you agree

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"because when you come home for Christmas you will discover this year

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"that I am wearing a Christmas outfit."

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I went, "All right then."

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I got home and true to his word he was wearing a Christmas outfit.

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I swear to you it was one giant pair of white underpants that stretched

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from his knees to just below his nipples,

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with a novelty Santa hat with a flashing bulb on the end.

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And he came downstairs, and this is a quote, "Do you like?"

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I said, "I find it a bit challenging."

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He said, "I don't give a shit what you think."

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And he went off to eat some cheese.

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This is where it gets weird.

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I went out that night with some of the people in my home town.

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Midnight, anticipating me coming home,

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my mother tells me he did this -

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he went upstairs in his "panta" outfit...

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..he went to my mother's sheet drawer, for she has one,

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he took out a double white sheet,

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he placed that over his head,

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he went out into their garden and he hid in a bush

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with a view to giving me,

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his then 40-year-old son, "a bit of a scare."

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Presumably, my mother is so sick of his shit she decided not to tell him

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something that she full well knew,

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that on that occasion I stayed over at a friend's house.

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Well done. OK, let's spin the wheel again.

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And the next subject is "class". Who's wants to come in on that?

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Er, class, yes, this is a society...

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our country is a society riven by class.

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I was very much aware of this when I lived in Brixton for many years...

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LAUGHTER ..yeah, exactly.

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So, seriously, the streets of Brixton are littered with homeless people,

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vagrants, derelicts of one kind or another,

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it's very distressing if you're trying to pursue a middle class path

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and, you know, I could blinker myself to them

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when I was a young man,

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but when I had children it became more difficult.

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We had a three-wheeler, we could get over most of them, but it slows you down.

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And it would puzzle me why they were there, to be honest.

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Homelessness is very sad but if you're homeless, why would you choose to stay in Brixton?

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The one advantage of being homeless is you can choose where you live.

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You can be in the countryside.

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A couple of vouchers out of the Daily Mail

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and you could be in the South of France by the weekend.

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Pick up some cheap booze on the ferry, they like a drink, the homeless, as a rule.

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I don't want to tar them all with the same brush

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although if you sleep on the road, that will happen, sooner or later.

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I do think it's a bit ironic that the favourite drink of the homeless

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should be a beer called Tennent's!

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Micky, let's see what you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel.

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And the subject is "fashion".

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LAUGHTER

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Now, I'll tell you about fashion.

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Now...a few years ago I was looking for a new image,

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so I started going on stage like this,

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thinking that will create an image for me, they'll go,

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"You've seen the geezer, stunning looking, top button done up."

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But I subsequently found out the image this tends to create

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is you're a wanker.

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So I looked into the whole issue of it.

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And I'll tell you the situation with the shirt button, OK.

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So because people don't want to be thought of like that, they tend to undo their top button.

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There we go. That's better, isn't it?

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Not enough? Still a bit too high?

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There's still a bit of tension in the room.

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What you really want is one more.

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Watch.

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See that, it's palpable, innit?

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Everyone's going, "Whoa, thank God for that!"

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That is the level of buttonage we require

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for a man going out for the evening to the All Bar One.

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Very good. However...

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..if I go one more...

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..I'm suddenly back to being an arsehole again.

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How tough is it being a man knowing that you are going through life

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only ever one button away...

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..from being a wanker or an arsehole?

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Very good. The points there go to Simon and Micky.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Our next round is called If This is the Answer, What is the Question?

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Six categories. Simon, which category would you like?

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World News.

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OK, the category is World News.

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And the answer is 328 billion.

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What is the question?

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Is it, measured in pounds, how fat is yo mama?

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How many items do you get free if you buy one at Lidl?

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Is it, how many trailers have there been for Downton Abbey?

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Is it, according to the Daily Mail how many travellers are there at Dale Farm?

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Is it, how many press-ups would I have to do

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to fit into one of Chris Addison's shirts?

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You would have to do more than that, big fella!

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Is it, how many troops does President Gaddafi claim are still loyal to him?

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Is it, the number of pieces you get in a box

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when you buy a wardrobe from IKEA?

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Is it, how many points does Silvio Berlusconi have

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on his brothel Nectar card?

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Is it in fact, how many missed calls from Zara

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were on Mike Tindall's answer phone?

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Is it, what is the total debt now in euros

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that Greece owes the rest of us?

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That is right, thank you very much, Chris Addison.

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Yes, the question I was looking for

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is, what is the total debt faced by Greece?

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This is the news that Greece

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is teetering on the brink of bankruptcy.

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Eurozone finance ministers are in disagreement

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about how to bail out the Greece economy.

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What progress is it making?

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They have given the telly back to Bright House.

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It is bad news.

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-They owe 250 grand each.

-Apparently, yeah.

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But it is bad news.

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Imagine how bad donner kebabs are going to taste

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when they start putting REALLY cheap meat in them?!

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Given the products they are most famous for,

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they are particularly worried about a double-dip recession.

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I feel really sorry for the guy who has been charged

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with the job of putting all the plates back together.

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They can't afford to keep breaking them

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so he's been asked to glue them back together again.

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It's all rubber plates now. Duh, duh, duh, duh, boing! Hey!

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-I'm not an economist, but they...

-Are you not?

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They shouldn't have got rid of the drachma! They've kept their own yoghurt, haven't they?

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They weren't meant to have that level of debt to join the EU in the first place.

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It was meant to be a much lower level of debt.

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But they hid all their deficits from the rest of Europe,

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in a giant wooden horse!

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What's making it worse is they are continuing to spend, that is the problem.

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European finance ministers are saying they have to do some belt-tightening.

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They can't do belt-tightening. They wear togas. They would look like they were in Howard's Way!

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Not only are they spending, they are also not paying any tax, any tax at all.

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Corinth, the authorities have collected... The amount of euros

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collected in the entire city in the last six months is £18,000.

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According to the people claiming that, there are 12 million people,

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only 5,000 of them make more than 90 grand a year, they are claiming.

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Nobody is admitting to anything. They are all just going, "We are not paying tax."

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That is why the Germans are saying, "We gave you the money.

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"But are you going to pay the tax?"

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And they're going, "Yeah, no problem, da, da, da!

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"What was that?

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"Nothing! Nothing!

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"We are just on the way to pay our tax now.

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"My cousin has the envelope, bye.

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"Da, da, da. Ba-doing!"

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It is not strictly relevant, I went out with a Greek girl once.

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I can't imagine how this wouldn't be relevant to a discussion of their economy.

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Did you not have much money, Greg?

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I'm just throwing it in.

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I was in a lift once in Greece, and this man turned to me,

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and he went, "Are you sometimes gay?"

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He is giving you a way out there?

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It went really quiet, and he went, "Are you sometimes gay?"

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I went, "No, never really, no." He went, "OK."

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OK. In other news, who has been granted a last minute injunction?

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-The travellers. At Dale Farm.

-Yes.

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There is an irony in the fact

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the travellers don't want to go anywhere.

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It is a term, it is just a term.

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Let's face it, bouncers don't actually bounce!

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If they did, when I jokingly pushed one over recently,

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I wouldn't have spent the night in hospital.

0:20:160:20:19

You would be disappointed when you went to that swingers' party.

0:20:190:20:23

One of the women said, "Putting a traveller in a house

0:20:230:20:27

"is like putting a traveller in a prison."

0:20:270:20:31

But yet they are building them.

0:20:310:20:33

You could put a traveller in a lodge!

0:20:330:20:36

-What is that character?

-It's Jeanette!

0:20:360:20:39

Sounds like one of the Terrahawks!

0:20:390:20:42

CACKLES

0:20:420:20:44

"Leave me alone!"

0:20:440:20:46

They are always claiming this...

0:20:480:20:50

So many different countries covered with that accent, as well!

0:20:500:20:53

Welsh, French!

0:20:530:20:54

CACKLES

0:20:540:20:57

"I'll get you Smurfs!"

0:20:570:21:00

When I first heard about it, I thought, "I really hate travellers."

0:21:020:21:04

Then I realised it is the Irish travellers,

0:21:040:21:07

not those twats who go around the world for a year after university!

0:21:070:21:11

I'd love to see the bailiffs going after them!

0:21:130:21:15

"No, you will never take my dreamcatcher away from me."

0:21:150:21:20

It is not a dreamcatcher, it is string."

0:21:200:21:23

It would be a disappointing gap-year if you end up in Basildon!

0:21:230:21:28

That is why the people of Basildon are so upset,

0:21:330:21:36

they are sick and tired of these posh people moving into the area.

0:21:360:21:39

-Who else came out in support of them?

-Loads of people.

0:21:430:21:46

There were two bishops and an actress turning up to a caravan site.

0:21:460:21:50

I was hoping for some low-budget '70s porn.

0:21:500:21:54

Then Gloria Hunniford, who it turns out wasn't there in support,

0:21:540:21:58

she was there for her new show, Wish They Weren't Here!

0:21:580:22:02

The arrival of the bailiffs was one of the biggest anticlimaxes ever.

0:22:060:22:11

There were 30 of them and they had one 1970s loud-hailer

0:22:110:22:15

and the lead bailiff went, "Is there anything I can say

0:22:150:22:20

"to persuade you to leave?"

0:22:200:22:23

There was a Life of Brian pause.

0:22:230:22:25

"Speak up.

0:22:270:22:30

"Is there anything I can say to persuade you to leave?"

0:22:300:22:34

There was another pause, and this woman went, "Fuck off!"

0:22:340:22:37

It was amazing!

0:22:370:22:38

She went, "I'll put a curse on you. I'll put a curse on you!"

0:22:380:22:43

They're always giving it the curses!

0:22:430:22:45

The minute it kicks off, "I'll put a curse on you!"

0:22:450:22:49

THEY CACKLE OVER EACH OTHER

0:22:490:22:52

Everybody watching this has got their remote control, going,

0:22:530:22:56

"There's something wrong with the sound."

0:22:560:22:58

OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Greg!

0:22:580:23:02

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:020:23:04

OK, now we come to Scenes We Would Like To See.

0:23:080:23:12

If everyone could make their way to the performance area, please.

0:23:120:23:15

I will read this week's topics and we'll see what our panellists come up with.

0:23:150:23:18

OK, here we go.

0:23:180:23:20

The first subject is unlikely things to hear in a police station.

0:23:200:23:25

Here, the microwave has broken again, Taser that meat pie for me, will you?

0:23:280:23:33

I know it is unlikely,

0:23:380:23:39

I don't suppose anybody has handed in Colonel Gaddafi, have they?

0:23:390:23:43

I noticed the burglar making his escape.

0:23:460:23:49

At this moment, I cursed the police cutbacks

0:23:490:23:53

and gave chase, shouting, "Nee-nah, nee-nah."

0:23:530:23:57

-CAMP VOICE:

-All units be on the lookout for a purple Renault Clio.

0:24:000:24:03

Registration number, Saffron, Doily, Tutu, Bonjela, Chrysanthemum, Hiya!

0:24:030:24:09

We didn't manage to evict many of them, Sarge.

0:24:130:24:15

But he good news is, I got some lucky heather.

0:24:150:24:17

No, I have not come to report a crime,

0:24:220:24:24

it is just that I really miss The Bill,

0:24:240:24:26

so I thought I would pop in for an hour.

0:24:260:24:28

Sarge, pass us the art section out of the Guardian, will you, mate?

0:24:330:24:37

FOREIGN ACCENT: Yes, I know how identity parade works.

0:24:390:24:43

That's her!

0:24:430:24:45

That's her!

0:24:450:24:48

That's the woman I robbed!

0:24:480:24:50

Right, we have a new man starting.

0:24:540:24:57

He is half-man, half horse, it is Inspector Morse!

0:24:570:25:00

Yes, our new 50-inch plasma screen TV. It is rather nice.

0:25:050:25:10

If you can't beat them, eh?

0:25:100:25:13

I am charging you with the murder of Mrs Thompson.

0:25:150:25:19

That will be £7.19, please.

0:25:190:25:21

Right, listen up, there is a giant fly attacking the station.

0:25:250:25:28

I have called the SWAT team!

0:25:280:25:30

Thank God you've arrived, officer,

0:25:350:25:38

some bloke jumped into the boot of my car and shot himself 14 times.

0:25:380:25:44

We got the tox report back.

0:25:460:25:49

They go straight after the ticks!

0:25:490:25:52

I was about to arrest her, but my bottle went

0:25:550:25:57

because she shouted out, "I'll put a curse upon you."

0:25:570:26:01

OK.

0:26:050:26:08

The next topic is unlikely things to hear in a science documentary.

0:26:080:26:12

Having cloned Ian Wright

0:26:120:26:14

we now know two Ian Wrights don't make an Ian Wrong!

0:26:140:26:18

Erectile dysfunction. Physical problem?

0:26:210:26:25

Or has the wife just let herself go a bit?

0:26:250:26:27

Well, this is incredible,

0:26:310:26:34

this is a whole new species of miniature tiger.

0:26:340:26:38

Hang on, it's a cat!

0:26:380:26:39

Now, pay attention, here comes the shampoo bit.

0:26:440:26:48

We discovered the source of the quark.

0:26:500:26:53

It's the sound made by a posh duck.

0:26:530:26:56

This is a red dwarf.

0:27:000:27:03

His name is Antony Worrell-Thompson.

0:27:030:27:06

Welcome to the Sky at Night.

0:27:100:27:13

If we look out... Oh, hell, Croydon's on fire.

0:27:130:27:17

Despite getting a bad press,

0:27:200:27:21

biological weapons work at much lower temperatures

0:27:210:27:24

than non-biological weapons.

0:27:240:27:26

Without penicillin,

0:27:290:27:32

well, I would still be cursing that day I went to Bangkok!

0:27:320:27:36

Tonight we look at the Ginger community.

0:27:400:27:43

Physical anomaly

0:27:480:27:49

or God's cruel joke?

0:27:490:27:51

Ah, the Northern Lights.

0:27:570:28:00

Oh, no, Manchester's on fire!

0:28:000:28:02

But will they find a cure in time?

0:28:080:28:10

The last hope for mankind

0:28:100:28:12

lies with scientists here at the Laboratoire Garnier.

0:28:120:28:15

Tonight, on Show Me The Evidence,

0:28:210:28:23

we look at the traveller community.

0:28:230:28:26

Can they really put a curse on you?

0:28:300:28:33

As the sperm swim towards the eggs,

0:28:370:28:40

it is hard not to think that I've ruined this fried breakfast!

0:28:400:28:44

I'm never again going to have a fried breakfast!

0:28:560:29:00

OK, at the end of that, Micky, Simon and Andy get the points.

0:29:030:29:07

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:29:070:29:10

And that's the end of the show.

0:29:130:29:15

This week's winners are Andy Parsons,

0:29:150:29:17

Simon Evans and Micky Flanagan.

0:29:170:29:19

Commiserations to Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Greg Davies.

0:29:240:29:28

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.

0:29:300:29:34

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:29:390:29:42

E-mail [email protected]

0:29:420:29:45

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