Episode 1 Mock the Week


Episode 1

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Transcript


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# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

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# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

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# Read all about it

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# Read all about it

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# News of the world... #

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This programme contains some strong language

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CHEERING

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Hello and welcome to a brand-new series of Mock The Week.

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I'm Dara O Briain. Joining me this week are

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Andy Parsons, Nathan Caton and Micky Flanagan,

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Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Greg Davies.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Welcome.

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This is good fun, I like this.

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We start with a round called Headliners.

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Here's a picture of the Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne,

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and the German Chancellor, Angela Merkel.

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But what does O.B.E.C stand for?

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Is it a list of people for whom Osborne writes his budgets?

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Is it Oligarchs, Billionaires, Etonians and Conglomerates?

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-APPLAUSE See?

-Nice.

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Is it, in fact, Old Berliner Eats Chin?

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Is Merkel going, "Oh, bubblegum is extra chewy? Mmm!"

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This is clearly Opulent Bellend Enjoys Coffee.

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APPLAUSE

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Osborne Bangs Euro Cutie.

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We're off.

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Is Merkel saying...

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HE SPEAKS GERMAN

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Now, let me just check if that's correct.

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That's actually the correct answer.

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Is it a Spanish comment on what's happening in their country? Is it...

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SPANISH ACCENT: Oh, blimey, ees catastrophe?

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What was that? Can we move off the foreign voices?

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Could we have a correct answer?

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-Yes. Merkel is saying...

-HE SPEAKS GERMAN

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No, no, that's not the correct answer.

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Can someone genuinely give me the correct answer

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so I can move on with my life?

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Is it...?

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HE SPEAKS GERMAN

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No, no, it's not.

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Merkel's saying...

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HE SPEAKS GERMAN

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-Stop saying German things!

-Is it, Osborne Believes He Is Elvis' Child?

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There is an answer to this. There is a correct answer.

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How about a compromise?

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What if we give you the right answer but in a German accent?

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-Is it, Osborne Blames European Crisis?

-It is of course.

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Thank you very much, Chris Addison.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Yes, the answer I was looking for was Osborne Blames European Crisis.

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This is the news that Chancellor George Osborne believes

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the current crisis within the EU

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is killing off Britain's chances of an economic recovery.

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This comes in a week in which Europe agreed to a bail-out

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of up to 100 billion euros for Spanish banks.

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Spain is now the fourth European country to be bailed out,

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following Portugal, Greece and Ireland.

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They've given the Spanish banks 100 billion euros.

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I don't think you should be giving Spanish banks 100 billion euros.

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Not given the number of British bank robbers currently living in Spain.

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That is a mistake, isn't it?

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It's not going to arrive in one van!

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A lot of it is going to a bank called Bankia, isn't it?

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It sounds like a bank from a children's programme, doesn't it?

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It is difficult to take the economies of countries seriously

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where the word bank is written as banco!

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It is generally easier to think they probably don't do,

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"Hey, el banco!

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"Banco, banco, banco! Banco, banco, banco!"

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-This accent's all right, is it, Dara?

-It's fine.

-A fine accent!

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APPLAUSE

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-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

-To be honest, Dara,

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you've been doing a ridiculous accent since the beginning of the series.

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But, Dara, it does help when you go on holiday there, doesn't it?

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Because even someone like me, I walk along and go, "Supermercado.

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"I bet that's a supermarket.

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"Banco - that'll be the bank.

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"Baro. Bar."

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You've got half a chance. Have you been to Japan? Nothing.

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They give you nothing.

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You walk about, you don't know what you're doing.

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I was in the bank the other day -

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this is absolutely true -

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a man had a shit on the floor.

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It was the most shocking thing I've ever seen in my life.

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That is one hell of a deposit that he has made that day.

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APPLAUSE

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He probably normally does all of his banking on the internet

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but he couldn't log on on that day.

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GROANS AND APPLAUSE

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The Spanish haven't had any strings attached

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-to their bail-out, have they?

-That was the big problem, yes.

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In Spain, they're going, "Well, how is it possible?

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"We can't work any harder.

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"We already wake up twice a day."

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It's quite open-ended.

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Whereas the other previous ones, like the Irish one, for example,

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they want us to pay it back.

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-Crazy! The Greek one...

-The Greeks are really angry. Really angry.

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They're building a horse and everything.

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What has Osborne hinted at, by the way, with regard to Europe?

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-He might be gay.

-No.

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He hinted that he's gay?

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LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

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I will say it again. Yes, I will say it again.

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As you said, oddly enough, there is a link...

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Wait, I have to do it without him going, "He might be gay."

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What has George Osborne recently hinted at,

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that eight out of ten Britons apparently agree with?

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-That he might be gay.

-No.

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APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

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There is, oddly enough, a link between pasties and failing banks.

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In the sense that when you open them up,

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you've no idea what you're going to find inside.

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I do like how Osborne is using any tactic

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to blame everyone else and not himself.

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He is technically like the white middle-class equivalent

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of the singer Shaggy. You know?

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-AS SHAGGY:

-"It wasn't me."

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-He threatened a referendum.

-He threatened a referendum?

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He literally threatened a referendum.

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What happens, though, Dara - you know about this - if we leave?

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-If you leave?

-Say we go, "Right, that's it,

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"we don't want nothing to do with you any more.

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"We've tried with you people

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"but you don't know how to look after your money.

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"You're all irresponsible. You spend all day long swimming about."

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Hang on, swimming about?

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You Europeans...constantly just...

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How can you let people vote on something when they don't know what they're doing?

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That's what happens at general elections.

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APPLAUSE

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-We should...

-I like the direction this show is taking.

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Don't give us the chance to vote on anything.

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We just voted a dog as the greatest talent in this country.

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We are not a responsible nation.

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It could walk on its hind legs!

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We would vote in a pineapple with a face drawn on it cos it looks funny.

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You mean like Boris Johnson, essentially.

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We voted him in for a joke.

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You handed over control of the world's fifth-largest city to a guy with funny hair.

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"Flub-a-lub. Flub-a-lub-a-lub."

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"You keep doing the flub-a-lub thing, we love that!

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"We love when you do the flub-a-lub thing!"

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APPLAUSE

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They're saying he's done so well, Boris Johnson,

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now that he's back as mayor,

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-he should become the next Prime Minister of Britain.

-That's the thing.

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But he was actually born in America

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so he's eligible to become the next President of the United States. DARA GASPS

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Which would be my preference! Imagine that.

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The leader of the free world,

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the most powerful man in the world,

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cut to a picture of a fat scarecrow on a bike.

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It would be fantastic, wouldn't it?

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APPLAUSE

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At the end of that round, the points go to Greg, Hugh and Chris.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Now we play a round called Angela Smerkel's Comedy Bail-Out.

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This game involves Nathan, Chris and Andy,

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so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.

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This is a stand-up challenge. I launch the wheel of news and wherever it stops,

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one of our performers must talk about that subject.

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The winner is whoever I think is the funniest. OK, here we go.

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The first subject is...

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..finance. Can I have somebody to talk on that? Andy.

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So you can argue a lot of people have got too much money, couldn't you?

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I would personally argue anybody who ever bought the autobiography

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of the talking meerkat Aleksandr Orlov,

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you have too much money.

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Anybody who has ever bought glow-in-the-dark loo roll,

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you have too much money.

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Anybody who's ever bought a cosy sofa blanket with sleeves called a slanket...

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You know who you are.

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Also anybody who's ever bought an Innocent smoothie.

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How expensive are they?

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£2.49 for a bottle the size of a specimen sample...

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..and they have the cheek to call them Innocent.

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Ladies and gentlemen, go to a supermarket, buy yourself a banana.

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It will cost you 20 pence.

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Take a big bite, go...

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..and you will have saved yourself £2.49.

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APPLAUSE

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Well done, Andy Parsons.

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OK, let's spin the wheel again.

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The subject is health. Who wants to come in on that?

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Right, health.

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I actually don't have that good a relationship with my GP.

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For one reason, and one reason only.

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Up until the age of 17, my GP had me on his records as a woman.

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They had me on their records as Miss N Caton.

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One day, they sent me a letter in the post, addressed to Miss N Caton.

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Now, cos I'm 17, I don't really pay attention to the detail.

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I open the letter and the letter says, "Dear Miss N Caton,

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"your doctor's surgery would like to invite you to attend a cervical screening next Monday at 9am."

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This is where I messed up.

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See, at 17, I knew what "cervical" was. That's obvious.

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But what I didn't know was that

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there's more than one meaning for the word "screening".

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APPLAUSE

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I thought screening was like, you know, you're screening a film.

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So when it said, "We would like to invite you to attend a cervical screening..."

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..in my ignorant, naive, 17-year-old brain,

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I honestly thought I had been invited to watch a movie about women's genitalia.

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I'm 17, I'm horny, I'm a virgin.

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Am I going to go? You're damn right I am.

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So next Monday morning, I go to my GP, I get to the reception,

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it's full of women - doesn't put me off -

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walk up to the receptionist, go, "Hey, how you doing?

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"I'm Nathan Caton, I'm here for the cervical screening."

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She looks up, sees me standing there with nachos,

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popcorn and pic 'n' mix...

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..starts laughing in my face. Thank you.

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APPLAUSE

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OK, that leaves me with Chris. Let's see what you've been left with.

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Let's spin the wheel.

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The topic is relaxation.

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We're obsessed in this country, obsessed, with relaxation.

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Currently, Waitrose, in their "essential" range,

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sell Waitrose "essential" lavender-scented candles.

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Because we've all been there, haven't we, ladies and gentlemen?

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"There are no lavender candles in the house, darling!

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"How am I to have a petal-strewn bath with my whale noise CD?"

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Whale noise CDs? We are gullible bastards.

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We will buy anything so long as we've been told it's relaxing.

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Whale noises?

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HE BELLOWS

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"Are you relaxed?" "I've never been more at peace."

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HE BELLOWS

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I saw a CD once called Relax With Pure Scottish Moods.

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-ANGRY SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-Relax With Pure Scottish Moods!

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Relax! Track one - bit chippy.

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Track two - slightly resent you in the country in the first place.

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Track three - get out, you bastards!

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APPLAUSE

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Very good. Well done. A point to Chris. Congratulations.

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Our next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

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On the board are six categories.

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-Nathan, which category would you like?

-Home news, please.

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OK, your category is home news. The answer is...

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What is the question?

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Is it, if you're going to make a sex tape on public transport,

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what three things do you need?

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What three flavours come through when you're tasting English wine?

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Is it, according to the coalition agreement,

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what three things do the Lib Dems have responsibility for?

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Is it...name three things I've left my umbrella in?

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Is it, three things you're probably best off not to lick clean?

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Is it, what is the name of Thomas the Tank Engine's no-holds-barred autobiography?

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Is it what Peter Andre says when he's asked what his daily routine is?

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-HIGH-PITCHED:

-"I trains, I toilets and I celebrities."

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Is it...?

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High-pitched, but not Australian any more.

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"I trains, I toilets, I celebrities."

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"I went to a voice coach to get rid of my Australian accent

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"and I can't help thinking she's done something wrong."

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"I've been over in this country for a while

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"so I sometimes slip into both fucking accents, Chris."

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APPLAUSE

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I trains cos of my six-pack.

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I get it. I get it!

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I toilets so I don't mess my jeans up.

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And I celebrities, making the money for the kids.

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APPLAUSE

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Does anyone have another answer?

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What do we do better than Morocco?

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-OK. Can we have the correct answer, please?

-I think I've got it.

-Oh!

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That is not the build-up to the correct answer, but go on.

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Is it, name three things I've puked up on at the Edinburgh Festival?

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APPLAUSE

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I know the answer, Dara.

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-Chris, do you know the answer?

-I'll give you the real answer, Dara.

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Will you give me the real answer?

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What are the three main talking points on a Saga holiday?

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Is it three things that are full of shit?

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I'm on the Peter Andre thing.

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-AS PETER:

-You liked that, didn't you, Dara?

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I did like that. "Where it makes the money for the children,"

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that's the bit that got me.

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-AS PETER:

-Is it...?

-No.

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What three things were most complained about at the Queen's Jubilee?

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-If you can do that in a proper voice...

-OK.

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-GERMAN ACCENT:

-What three things were most complained about...?

-No.

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APPLAUSE

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-NORMAL VOICE:

-What three things were most complained about at the Queen's Jubilee?

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Very good. Thank you very much, Chris Addison.

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APPLAUSE

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Yes, the question I was looking for was,

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what aspects of the Queen's Jubilee celebrations drew criticism from the press?

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Although the weekend was considered a success,

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there were complaints the train system was unable to cope with the vast crowds,

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raising concerns about the Olympics. The lack of toilets provided was also criticised,

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alongside the BBC's celebrity-heavy coverage of the event.

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Did you watch the various events?

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The coverage was criticised for looking less like a royal occasion

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and more like The One Show but that is what the Queen calls it.

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-AS THE QUEEN:

-It's The One Show!

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It was an excuse for a bit of a knees-up.

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It was one of those weekends where you get so munted Saturday, Sunday, Monday,

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you phone up work saying you can't come in Tuesday,

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forgetting that's a bank holiday as well.

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Nine months from now,

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I bet you anything "flotilla" will be the most popular girl's name.

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They tried to pick on the people who had to do a lot of it.

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-There was a woman in Tower Bridge...

-In it, or on it?

-In it,

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-in the control room at Tower Bridge.

-Oh, OK.

-Just before the guy pressed the button

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to make the thing go up like that,

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she said, "So is it going to work?"

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And the guy looked at her like, of course it's going to work!

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Stop trying to introduce a note of peril.

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"Are you sure it's going to work?"

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Like suddenly it's an action movie.

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"Oh, Jesus, the bridge is stuck! Quick!" They all run down.

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He's wedging things. "She's coming, she's coming!"

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As if there's a danger the Queen's boat is going to come along...

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And then the Queen's running away...

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All the thrones get pushed back towards the back of the boat.

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"Aaagh!"

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Yes, it's going to work!

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There were some good bits, though.

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My favourite bit was the concert, seeing Rolf Harris.

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I don't know if you saw him, he had on a white jacket. It was funny,

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cos I was watching it with my brother, who's 16, and he doesn't know who Rolf Harris is.

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So he sees a white guy in a white jacket, white hair,

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white beard and glasses, and he goes, "Hey, blud,

0:18:400:18:43

"why is the KFC Colonel at the concert?"

0:18:430:18:45

Was it not a bit strange that they built that really elaborate,

0:18:480:18:51

beautiful rowboat called The Gloriana for the Queen and yet...

0:18:510:18:56

Was it just me who thought, "It's a bit weird she's not on it?"

0:18:560:18:59

The only person who was on it was Clare Balding.

0:18:590:19:02

There's thousands of foreign tourists

0:19:020:19:05

who think that Clare Balding is the Queen.

0:19:050:19:07

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-"I saw the British Queen the other day.

0:19:070:19:10

"Looks like she can handle herself in a pub fight."

0:19:100:19:12

APPLAUSE

0:19:140:19:17

All the Americans said happy birthday to her, was that a...?

0:19:180:19:22

Grace Jones, who had a hula hoop for the last...

0:19:220:19:24

randomly walks out hula hooping.

0:19:240:19:28

"Slave to the rhythm." That was the weirdest thing!

0:19:280:19:31

I genuinely thought, "Am I the only one seeing this?"

0:19:310:19:34

"Slave to the rhythm."

0:19:340:19:37

-Who booked Grace Jones?

-She wasn't hula hooping.

0:19:370:19:41

She'd been imprisoned by the elders of Krypton.

0:19:410:19:44

You've got to be very careful.

0:19:440:19:46

I learned from Twitter, you've got to be very careful.

0:19:460:19:48

On the night of the concert, I had the temerity at one stage -

0:19:480:19:51

cos there was an Ireland football match on at the same time,

0:19:510:19:54

and Twitter's a global media -

0:19:540:19:55

and I was going, "Oh, this is the score at the moment," for loads of Irish people,

0:19:550:19:58

and loads of people tweeted me going, "Nobody cares! #Jubilee."

0:19:580:20:03

Like I walked onto the stage and went, "Yeah, yeah, Rolf, put a sock in it. It's 0-0."

0:20:050:20:09

And then walked off.

0:20:090:20:11

And in a year when we've had such a campaign against knife crime,

0:20:110:20:15

we have Tom Jones going...

0:20:150:20:17

# I felt the knife in my hand

0:20:170:20:19

# And she laughed no more. #

0:20:190:20:23

Why is the weather making headlines?

0:20:240:20:27

Cos the weather outside is frightful.

0:20:270:20:28

Although the fire inside is delightful.

0:20:280:20:30

Since there's no place to go...

0:20:330:20:35

Basically, they've had some problems with caravans, haven't they?

0:20:350:20:39

That is putting it mildly.

0:20:390:20:41

"They have had some problems with caravans."

0:20:410:20:44

The thing about caravans is, you can actually move them!

0:20:440:20:48

There was a static caravan park I felt particularly bad for.

0:20:540:20:58

"Hello, I'd like to complain about my static caravan."

0:20:580:21:00

"What seems to be the problem?"

0:21:000:21:02

"I'll tell you what the problem is - it's not quite as static as I was led to believe."

0:21:020:21:06

Do you think George Osborne is somewhere, going,

0:21:060:21:09

"If the VAT doesn't get you, the weather will."

0:21:090:21:12

LAUGHS EVILLY

0:21:120:21:13

-That was in Wales, right?

-That was in Wales.

0:21:130:21:15

I saw an interview online and they interviewed some woman who was on one of those sailboat things.

0:21:150:21:20

They were having their honeymoon and it got destroyed.

0:21:200:21:22

She said, "Oh, it's a disaster. It's a disaster."

0:21:220:21:25

All I could think was,

0:21:250:21:26

"If you're married to a man who's taken you on a honeymoon

0:21:260:21:29

"to Wales to spend time in a caravan,

0:21:290:21:31

"it's already a bloody disaster."

0:21:310:21:33

Literally, insult to injury being added there.

0:21:380:21:41

If you're watching the show, just to cheer up, sorry about that.

0:21:410:21:45

I just wonder with the hosepipe ban, do people ring up going,

0:21:450:21:49

"Am I still allowed to use it to tether myself to a rock,

0:21:490:21:53

"so I don't get washed away by the flood?

0:21:530:21:56

"Does that break the rules of the hosepipe ban?"

0:21:560:21:59

In Littlehampton, where did they put the flood victims?

0:21:590:22:03

They put them in the local swimming baths overnight.

0:22:030:22:07

I mean, that's just taking the piss, isn't it?

0:22:070:22:10

It would be like putting earthquake victims in a bouncy castle.

0:22:120:22:15

The person I blame is the guy who was interviewed two months ago

0:22:180:22:22

when there was two weeks of rain,

0:22:220:22:24

and they said, "Well, surely the drought is over now?"

0:22:240:22:26

He went, "Oh, no, no, no. You need another six weeks of rain to deal with the drought."

0:22:260:22:31

Well, we've got it! Happy now?

0:22:310:22:33

And the points go to Greg, Hugh and Chris.

0:22:380:22:40

Justice!

0:22:430:22:44

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See,

0:22:460:22:49

so if everyone can make their way to the performance area,

0:22:490:22:52

I'll read out this week's topics

0:22:520:22:54

and we'll see what our panels come up with.

0:22:540:22:56

The first subject is...

0:22:560:22:58

Unlikely things to hear at an awards ceremony.

0:22:580:23:01

And the winner is...Dara O'Briain!

0:23:020:23:05

And the award for driver of the year goes to

0:23:100:23:14

David Cameron for his perfectly executed U-turns.

0:23:140:23:17

Welcome to the National Insincerity Awards,

0:23:220:23:25

and can I say what a pleasure it is to be here.

0:23:250:23:29

And soap of the year goes to

0:23:310:23:34

doof-doof, doof-doof, doo-doo, doo-doo,

0:23:340:23:37

Coronation Street.

0:23:370:23:39

Would you please welcome your host for the night - Dec.

0:23:420:23:46

And the award for best actress this evening goes to John Travolta's wife.

0:23:510:23:56

Father of the year is... David Cameron!

0:24:000:24:03

And, predictably, for the 50th year running,

0:24:070:24:10

the rear of the year has been won by the same man.

0:24:100:24:14

Come on up, Chris. It's a Chris Rea joke.

0:24:140:24:17

And the award for best film - cling, clingfilm.

0:24:260:24:30

Oh! Oh, that was all right, was it?

0:24:320:24:35

-That's bullshit, Dara.

-It's all politics, man.

0:24:380:24:41

This is the point in the psychic awards

0:24:410:24:44

when we like to remember those we lost next year.

0:24:440:24:48

Well, they said it was ill-advised,

0:24:520:24:54

but welcome to the first witness protection scheme awards.

0:24:540:24:58

And the award for most cleavage on view goes to Eamonn Holmes' arse.

0:25:030:25:08

Well, now our final category - category C.

0:25:120:25:16

There are three sex offenders nominated tonight.

0:25:160:25:20

And I'd just like to say to the wife at home,

0:25:220:25:25

you'd better not be there when get home, sister, cos I'm big time now.

0:25:250:25:29

And the best posthumously-released rap record goes to

0:25:330:25:37

Kim Jong for "I Told You I Was Ill".

0:25:370:25:40

Too late. Too late.

0:25:460:25:48

And to present best film in a foreign language,

0:25:510:25:55

would you please welcome Nick Griffin.

0:25:550:25:58

And the winner of rear of the year goes to Chris Rea!

0:26:010:26:05

LOUD CHEERING

0:26:050:26:07

Our next topic is unlikely lines from a thriller.

0:26:130:26:16

What more evidence do you need that there is a mole? Look at the lawn!

0:26:180:26:23

Your wife's head in a box.

0:26:300:26:32

You must be the most unlucky contestant ever on Deal Or No Deal.

0:26:320:26:35

What colour wire do I have to cut?

0:26:390:26:43

The lilac, the mauve, the salmon pink or the fuchsia?

0:26:430:26:46

I want to make you a vodka Martini.

0:26:490:26:52

You can't handle vermouth.

0:26:520:26:54

"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?" she purred.

0:27:040:27:08

"Yes, it is a gun in my pocket and I've just shot my cock off."

0:27:090:27:14

I'm telling you, there will be no attack.

0:27:190:27:22

This is a side picked by Roy Hodgson.

0:27:220:27:24

So, Mr Bond, we meet...

0:27:290:27:31

Aargh! Flipping cat!

0:27:310:27:33

I'm telling you, Captain, I work best alone.

0:27:390:27:42

Or sometimes in a team.

0:27:420:27:43

Basically, I'm saying I'm flexible.

0:27:430:27:45

So, Mr Bond, we meet at last.

0:27:480:27:52

Why didn't we ever Skype?

0:27:520:27:54

I would like to gently lift your horse's foot.

0:28:000:28:04

You can't handle the hoof!

0:28:040:28:06

That's human liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti,

0:28:120:28:15

but the entertainment was excellent and he was an lovely host,

0:28:150:28:18

so I'm going to give Hannibal seven out of ten.

0:28:180:28:21

"Here's Johnny!"

0:28:250:28:28

"Do you mind? I'm trying to have a shit in here."

0:28:280:28:31

"This prostitute isn't dead," said the Norwegian detective.

0:28:340:28:38

"She's just pining for the fjords."

0:28:380:28:41

As his eyes gradually became accustomed to the shadowy darkness,

0:28:460:28:52

he realised he was not alone in that room.

0:28:520:28:54

GASPS

0:28:540:28:56

"Who is it?"

0:28:560:28:57

-SQUEAKY VOICE:

-"It's me, Peter Andre!"

0:28:570:29:00

OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Greg, Hugh and Chris!

0:29:030:29:07

And that's the end of the show.

0:29:150:29:17

This week's winners - Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Greg Davies.

0:29:170:29:22

Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Nathan Caton and Micky Flanagan.

0:29:240:29:30

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.

0:29:300:29:33

# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

0:29:370:29:41

# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

0:29:430:29:46

# Read all about it

0:29:480:29:51

# Read all about it

0:29:510:29:53

# News of the world News of the world. #

0:29:530:29:56

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