Episode 2 Mock the Week

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Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.

Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Jo Caulfield

and Carl Donnelly,

Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We start with a round called Headliners.

Here is a picture of the Prime Minister, the American President

and the Chancellor of Germany, but what does CIDW stand for?

Is it in fact all they've achieved at the G20?

"Checked in. Drank wine."

Is Merkel saying, "Cameron! It's Denzel Washington!"

She, presumably, is suggesting an answer to the crisis, isn't she?

She's saying "Call in Darth Wader!"

Or she's saying "Careful, I declare war."

Is it in fact, "Cameron interrupts dirty weekend?"

Is it "Cameron introduces drunk woman?" Cos she does look a bit...

She looks lairy, anyway.

I reckon Merkel's going to the vending machine to get some snacks,

so she's checking the order. She's going,

"Is it a Crunchie, ice-cream, Diet Coke, Wotsits?"

Is it David Cameron saying, "Children? I...damn. Where?"

Is it Angela Merkel saying,

"I have lived my life like a candle in da wind."

I've heard a lot of bad things about Men In Black III,

but it looks pretty good now they've cast Angela Lansbury in it.

Can I get the correct answer, please?

Is it "Cameron issues dire warning?"

That's very good. Well done, Chris.

Yes, the answer I was looking for was "Cameron issues dire warning."

This is the news that at the G20 summit in Mexico, David Cameron

put the eurozone crisis at the top of a list of five big threats

that world leaders need to tackle to avoid a global financial meltdown.

Are we scared of this disaster?

Yep.

Did you see what the five threats were?

They were in fact, the eurozone crisis, sovereign debt,

the challenges of growth and low competitiveness, protectionism

and failure to regulate the banking system.

Now, if you add those up, there are in fact six things there.

And he is going to tell that to the 23 countries of the G20.

It would be good if in the middle of the five things

he'd thrown in a genuine...

"The five things we have to be worried about are eurozone debt,

"sovereign debt, low growth, that asteroid, failure to regulate..."

They go, "I'm sorry, what was the last one?" "You mean low growth?"

"That's not the one we meant! The one you said after low growth!"

"Oh, the asteroid. We'll get to that."

It would be great if we did an episode of this show

for people who don't really watch the news

and then we discuss the asteroid as if this was actually a news story.

I'm pretty sure that this show is for people

who don't really watch the news.

-How did the Greek elections go?

-They went tremendously well.

People voted and they've got a new government.

They have a party that sounds lovely in Greece, the Golden Dawn Party.

-It's a nice name, isn't it?

-Yeah, they're actually the BNP of Greece,

but they sound lovely, like, "Oh, a bowl of Golden Dawn in the morning."

Ooh, fascists.

I got a DVD called Golden Dawn. It wasn't what I was expecting.

I think the problem with these Mediterranean countries

is that they have their main meal at ten o'clock at night.

Right, OK.

That means you go to bed later, you don't sleep as well,

you're tired for most of the day,

you have to have a nap in the afternoon

and your economy gets knackered.

Surely austerity rule one should be tea at six o'clock.

I think it has got out of hand.

I was in a restaurant and they were doing a special offer.

"If you buy a Greek salad and there's a German in the room,

"he has to pay for it."

What did the Greeks vote for?

It was a vote on whether they should stay within the eurozone.

Essentially, yeah.

We should stop calling it the eurozone,

because if we continue to call them the eurozone,

they can call us Poundland.

I've got mixed feelings about Greece leaving the euro,

cos I actually discovered in my drawer

that I've got quite a lot of drachma left,

and I counted it all up and, depending on how things go,

I think I might be able to buy a house.

Or possibly the railways.

I always think "Greek bailout"

sounds like something they do at Eton after lights out.

That's why it's so difficult for Cameron and Osbourne to talk about it.

"I say, Cameron." "What is it, Osbourne?"

"You don't fancy a quick Greek bailout, do you?"

"You're insatiable, man! Come on, let's grease up. Let's go."

Where was the G20 taking place?

It was taking place in a place called Los Cabos in Me-hi-co.

It doesn't have to be said like a villager from The Magnificent Seven.

That would be funny if all of their speeches were done in that voice.

"We must help the villagers."

"When the music stop, you die."

Is a luxury resort the right place to start talking about people's austerity?

If you're kind of going, "There are five plans..."

And this man arrives with a tray

with a large pink drink with an umbrella in it.

"Not now!"

There's a Mexican waiter going, "Senor?"

Behind you, a Mariachi band going,

# Guantanamera!

"Go away! Ixnay on the Uantanamera-gay!"

What Cameron should do is get a great big black hat

and the sleep mask he got on the plane and stand up

in front of the G20 and say,

"I will lead you out of economic austerity for I am...

-MAKES WHOOSHING NOISE

-"..Borro!"

When you get a bunch of national leaders in a room together,

you realise that however hard you can fight against it,

they are just a bunch of stereotypes.

You've got Angela Merkel,

a butch German woman who looks like a shot-putter.

You've got Francois Hollande,

a Frenchman who left his wife for a younger model.

You've got Cameron, a posh Etonian.

You've got Putin, a KGB-trained psychopath.

You've got Obama, a cool black dude.

It's like the G20's been written by the writers of 'Allo 'Allo!

What did Labour Leader Ed Miliband label David Cameron this week?

He labelled him "a tainted leader."

"A tainted Prime Minister," which was a very early song by Soft Cell.

-He did, because of what?

-Cos he's too close to the rich and powerful.

This is all based on the fact that he got a text from Rebekah Brooks

saying that they were all in it together.

"Yes, you Cam!"

The other part that was creepy was the bit at the start

where she goes, "Let's discuss this over country supper soon."

It sounds like a horrible euphemism.

"I went out last night, ended up back at a girl's place. She gave me a country supper."

I only went looking for a Greek bailout.

It was impressive, I thought, as a technique.

The thing that most of the politicians have done

is they have been forgetful at the Leveson Inquiry and they've gone,

"I'm afraid I can't recall that. Did that happen?

"I have no recollection of such a thing occurring."

The genius of Cameron to establish himself as forgetful

in the week of the Leveson Inquiry

by leaving his daughter behind in a pub!

Genius.

What has Ed Miliband admitted recently?

That he is related to David Miliband.

Ending speculation.

That he looks like Wallace...

..from Wallace and Gromit, which is why...

Which is when he said of David Cameron,

as part of the "tainted Prime Minister" speech,

he said he doesn't live in the real world,

you thought, "Ed doesn't. He lives with a plasticine dog!"

Actually, I had a long conversation with Ed Miliband

about whether he looked like Wallace or not,

and it would have been shorter but about once every 12th of a second

an assistant had to move his arm just a little bit.

The Tories have been going on at him

about the fact that he looks like Wallace,

but they've got absolutely no room to talk about this.

Cameron looks like Iggle Piggle, Michael Gove looks like Pob,

Eric Pickles looks like a Sontaran from Doctor Who,

Teresa May looks like Roy Hodgson in drag,

Jeremy Hunt looks like Seb Coe with a wasting disease

and if you get Iain Duncan Smith and William Hague together,

they look like Yoda's bollocks.

At the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Milton.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Our next round is called Newsreel. We play in a recent piece of footage

featuring people in the news and ask Hugh to suggest

what might be being said. This week's clip

features David Cameron and Barack Obama.

AS OBAMA: Hi! Barack Obama, vote for me in November. Don't vote for Mitt.

His name sounds like an oven glove.

Say, David, you like to shoot hoops?

-AS CAMERON:

-Yes, well, actually, I'm just fearfully posh.

I like to shoot almost everything.

I prefer riding, really. I've got an ex-police horse I can borrow.

Yes, anyway, my name's David. I'm just chillaxing with Barack.

We've got a special relationship, not in THAT way of course, no.

The Church of England would go mad.

You'll have to forgive David, he's never been to a ball game before.

He doesn't know the rules.

Well, I like netball. In fact, I prefer football.

Hey, you, you better shut your mouth!

-Shut your mouth, that's what I say, shut your mouth.

-I'm sorry if I...

You better tell your limey-ass friend to shut his mouth

or I'm going to shut it for him. He can take that Beckham with him!

OK, he says, "Would you shut the fuck up?"

Oh, he's serious, is he? I see.

So, say, have you got one of these?

This is a medal I got for killing Osama Bin Laden with my bare hands!

I did that. Vote for me in November, I killed Osama with my bare hands.

You want one, I got drawers full of this shit in the White House.

So, Dave. You ever killed a man with your bare hands?

Well, I've thought of killing Nick a couple of times.

Seems the kindest thing to do, really, put him out of his misery.

God, it's hot in here. I'm as hot as a pasty with VAT on it.

Hang on a minute. I'm almost certain

I had my daughter with me when I came in here.

Well done, Hugh.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now we play a round called Happy Birthday, Paul Mock-Cartney.

This game involves Jo, Milton and Carl,

so if you could make your way to the performance area.

This round is a stand-up challenge. I launch the Wheel of News

and wherever it chooses to stop,

one of our performers must talk about that subject.

The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.

Here we go, let's spin the wheel.

The first subject is retail.

Can I ask someone to come in and talk on that? Jo Caulfield.

Tesco's have announced that they are going to overhaul their shops

by employing more staff, which is great

because the self-scanning doesn't work, does it?

It's just a row of angry people shouting at machines.

Just going, "But there's nothing in the bagging area! I've removed it from the bagging area.

"D'you know what's in the bagging area? A frigging bag! What a surprise(!)"

And also, I have to say, sometimes a person isn't better.

I was at Tesco's at the checkout with a person and just by mistake,

instead of the Tesco Clubcard,

I handed over my Sainsbury's Nectar card.

The woman at the checkout in Tesco's, no word of a lie,

she looked at the Sainsbury's card, she put it down,

she then looked at her own badge.

As if to go, "Maybe she's right, maybe I do work in Sainsbury's!"

So the shopping came to £3.76, so I gave her five pounds and a penny

and then stood back and watched her head explode.

And another shop, Abercrombie and Fitch,

they were famously sued in America because they had a policy

of only employing young, very attractive people.

I thought, "D'you think Argos has the exact opposite policy?"

Thank you very much, Jo Caulfield!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, let's spin the wheel again.

The subject is health. Who wants to come in on that? Carl.

Right, I suffer from recurring stomach problems

which sometimes lead me into embarrassing situations.

One happened when about two years ago I went to see Alicia Keys live in concert at the O2 Arena.

That's not the embarrassing bit.

En route to meet friends to go to the show,

I stopped at my doctor's to get a little check-up

and he said it was all fine but he wanted a stool sample,

so he gave me a pot and said "Drop it in in the morning."

So I put it in my bag and then went to meet friends

for a drink before the show.

About half an hour passed, I felt movement.

I thought, "I'd better do it now,"

So I went to a pub toilet and I did my sample in a pot

and put it back in my bag, went out,

didn't tell my friends what I'd done, we just carried on drinking.

Half an hour later, it's showtime, we went to the O2 Arena,

where I'd never been before, to see Alicia Keys.

And I reckon it was about 30 metres from the front of the queue

where I found out about their compulsory bag search system.

Have you ever tried to explain to a security guard

why you're trying to smuggle a stool sample into an Alicia Keys concert?

It's tough. When he pulled it out,

I've never heard more shock in a man's voice.

He just went, "What is this?!" And I freaked out

and said the first thing that came into my head,

so I went, "It's a pot of shit."

Which he then repeated louder, right.

He just sort of went, "A po' o' shi',"

and it went back down the queue like Chinese whispers.

About 20 people back, I think I heard somebody go,

"I think there's a guy with a bowl of chips at the front or something."

So I'm just there, totally embarrassed.

Didn't know what to do, I'm almost crying.

I explained my story, the guy gets his supervisor who comes over and this is a great response.

I was, honestly, like, "I've got a bug, sorry."

And he listens to all that and goes,

"All right, I believe you. You can keep it."

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, that leaves us with Milton.

Let's see what you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel.

The subject is relatives.

The scariest thing that ever happened to me in my entire life

was when I was very little.

My dad said, "I'm just going to pop upstairs,"

and he went upstairs and he popped.

I didn't speak to my dad.

Well, he was a bus driver, you're not allowed to.

My brother - he's allergic to cheese.

Not the taste. It's just if anyone says the word, he goes, "Bleugh!"

Doesn't happen very often,

but we've got some weird family photos.

My grandfather - he was a GI and he was in the RAF,

OK, he was a giraffe.

During the war, when board games were illegal,

he was put in prison for being a Yahtzee sympathiser.

My uncle, he was a security guard at the O2 Arena.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

Points in that round go to Milton Jones. Everybody come back.

Our next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

On the board are six categories. Carl, which category would you like?

-Sports, please.

-OK, grand.

Sport, it is.

The answer is chickens, nurses and rain. What is the question?

Is it what does Heston Blumenthal put in a trifle?

Is it name three things?

Is it what are the most used sound effects in the radio drama

Monsoon Poultry Hospital?

There's been another monsoon from the chickens!

What do you know?

The actor's Scottish in Monsoon Poultry Hospital.

"Doctor, doctor, I think this chicken is drowning!"

What were the three main things featured in the film Golden Dawn?

Is it what three things have a higher IQ

than the entire cast of The Only Way Is Essex?

A little harsh on the nurses that, isn't it?

Is it all the things that my gran says are stealing her money

when I go and visit her in the care home?

Is it what additional three things

did Churchill think we should fight them on?

"We will fight them on the chicken,

"we will fight them on the nurses,

"and on the rain."

Is it what Greece are planning to use as currency when they leave the euro?

OK, what's the correct answer?

Name three things you won't find in a chicken nugget.

OK, pipe down. Correct...

Is it what are the opening stage directions in the television drama

Monsoon Poultry Hospital?

Chickens, nurses, rain. A man walks through the fog...

I thought it was a hospital I'm working in now, is it?

What was the name of Foghorn Leghorn's controversial early career porn film?

I'm sorry, I want to do more chicken hospital.

Clear! Cluck!

Clear! Cluck!

Clear! Cluck!

We've lost him.

We've lost him.

That's finishing off the chicken at the end.

Doctor, get me the baster.

Can we please...? We're just amusing ourselves now.

It's what three things will feature in the Olympic Opening Ceremony?

Thank you very much, Hugh Dennis. That's absolutely right.

APPLAUSE

Yes, the question I was looking for is,

what are some of the more unusual items to feature

in the London Olympic Opening Ceremony on 27th July?

This is the news that artistic director Danny Boyle

has revealed some of his plans to transform the Olympic Stadium into the British countryside.

The ceremony will include real farmyard animals,

a cast of 10,000 volunteers, including a troop of NHS nurses

and, just in case it doesn't rain on the night,

clouds suspended over the stadium which will produce rain.

See, that's interesting as I didn't think that's why he was doing it.

I thought he was doing it cos he's a film-maker

and he's making a film version of Monsoon Poultry Hospital.

And everyone will be going, "But where are all the Scottish accents?"

Doctor, this chicken seems to be ill. Clear!

Cluck!

Oh, it's going to be amazing!

Real farmyard animals will feature in the show, which will be 70 sheep,

12 horses, three cows, two goats, ten chickens, ten ducks, nine geese,

three sheepdogs, a cat, a bird, a spider, a fly and an old woman.

And the major question is will she die?

-Of course.

-She's dead of course.

They're going to transform the Olympic Stadium for 27 million

into the great British countryside?

27 million. All people really give a shit about are the fireworks.

Spend 26 and a half million on fireworks,

give everybody a toffee apple,

a giant bonfire with a ticket tout on top.

They're going to great lengths with this British countryside thing.

They have hired actors, who are going to depict a family having a picnic in the countryside.

They're hiring another actor to dress up as a wasp,

who's not going to leave them alone.

Finally, at the end, they light the flame.

Well, I say flame, they're lighting a pyre of cattle that have died from foot-and-mouth.

The whole idea is he's trying to make it the most British thing.

But I reckon the funniest thing, the most British thing he could do, is have it cancelled on the day,

and have an Opening Ceremony replacement service.

I don't trust any of the Olympic preparations,

cos have you heard what they're going to do as a security precaution?

They're going to have a destroyer in the middle of the Thames.

How do they think Al-Qaeda are going to attack?

Some sort of armada coming up the river and then across the stadium...

They won't be expecting this.

They won't be ready for this.

HUMS HAWAII FIVE-O THEME

The Closing Ceremony is just going to be Boris Johnson in overalls

and wellies, with a shot gun, going, "Get off my land."

Have you got tickets? Are you going?

No, I have not. I disapprove of the whole thing.

And I think most Londoners don't want it anyway.

Two things they hate most - exercise and tourists.

There's a huge investigation now.

The IOC are investigating corruption and touting.

The IOC investigating corruption is like FIFA investigating corruption.

But they've always been corrupt.

It's like my grandfather - he won the limbo dancing competition years ago in the Olympics,

but they wouldn't give him a medal.

They said he just came last in the high jump.

At the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Milton.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See,

so make your way over to the performance area, please.

I'll read out the topics and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

OK, the first subject is unlikely things to hear at Euro 2012.

And there we see in the stands John Terry's wife,

and with his arm around her, Rio Ferdinand.

Well, this French team has three strikers.

Luckily, the other eight have agreed greed to play.

Tonight's game is in the incredible city of Kiev.

The outskirts are sort of crispy-crumbly.

And Holland are two down.

Yes, I've finished the crossword!

And the Greeks have reached the quarter final.

If only they'd had a massive bet on that.

Oh, that's a bad one, you can see the bone sticking right out.

These Ukrainian meat pies really are awful.

And now over to Mark Lawrenson

who has something really interesting to say.

Well, I've never seen that on a pitch before.

It seems the referee really is a wanker.

No, mate. This is row six.

You're row 2012.

Here in Ukraine, we launch campaign.

Kick football out of racism.

And that is some incredible dribbling from the Irish supporters.

JEERS FROM AUDIENCE

Sorry!

And things are about to turn ugly

as we go back to the studio to Adrian Chiles.

And it's Germany against Greece,

the ultimate dilemma for the British Royal Family.

And that is quite simply some wonderful defending there

from John Terry's legal team.

Well, the Russians and Ukrainians are going to settle this with a shootout.

No penalties, just a shootout.

So, Germany are camped in the Polish half.

Not for the first time.

And Rooney's trying to get round the keeper,

but his keeper's not letting him out of his cage.

OK the next topic is

things you wouldn't hear on a political discussion show.

Sorry, did I interrupt you?

No. No, no, no, no, sir. No, no, you've had your say.

Now shut the fuck up.

Round the table tonight - Eric Pickles.

And round another table - four other politicians.

-BELFAST ACCENT:

-Sadomasochism is a perversion.

But we will clamp down on it.

And tonight we'll be discussing Greece.

First question - who'd win in a fight, Danny Zuko or Kenickie?

So, Nick Clegg,

which of your two faces would you like to answer that question with?

Yes, I agree, Britain's performance in the second quarter

has not been all we hoped for. But there is reason for that.

This is a tough job and I'm shit at it.

We will not let Abu Hamza off the hook.

Well, Mr Dimbleby, my question is,

if I were a beleaguered European economy,

how would you stimulate my growth?

And that goes to contestant number three.

Of course I understand

that people are worried about schools and hospitals,

but what you don't understand is I don't give a shit.

Is anyone else horny?

And now we're going to head over and see what the polls are telling us.

Hello!

-Are they Chinese now?

-Chinese, yeah, they are.

It sounds like Powish, the way we say it here in Powand.

Right, now let's go over to Wales and see what they're saying to us.

Moooo!

And so we have a question here for the Prime Minister,

from Nancy Cameron, aged eight,

and it's, "When are you going to pick me up, Daddy?".

At the end of that round, the points go to Carl, Jo and Andy.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And that's the end of the show.

This week's winners are Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Jo Caulfield and Carl Donnelly.

Thank you for watching, I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.

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