Episode 11 Mock the Week

This programme contains strong Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.

I'm Dara O Briain. Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Ed Byrne and

Alun Cochrane. Chris Addison, Hugh We start with a round called

Headliners. Here's a picture of Labour's two Eds, Miliband and

Balls, but what does MFIB stand for? Is it Miliband fondles

invisible buttocks. Is Miliband, so dull that the headline is, in fact,

massive flag in background. Is it Martian freak invades Britain.

he apologising to Young Labour for their poll ratings, saying, my

fault, innit, bruv. Is it just simply MFI Bollocks. Why would they

use that picture. To randomly take on MFI? Two wooden characters.

Let's have a go at one of those that's got nothing to do with the

picture. Why can't we just say - My fanny is burning. A sentence that

goes with MFIB. By the look of the flag he's trying to knock some

sense into a BNP Rally. Is he saying, Mo Farah is black. Hang on,

that Mo Farah is British. I can understand him trying to convince

them of that but surely he doesn't have to convince even the BNP that

Mo Farah is black. They are in serious denial. I mean this summer

has been very very difficult for them. A white man went very well in

the 5,000 metres. What are you talking about? I think its quite

simple is it man focuses in background. Is he trying to appeal,

you know to trying to show himself to be a bit more down to earth, and

he's going: Majorca, Faliraki, Ibiza, brilliant. Can we move

towards a correct answer please. Mowgli's friend is Baloo. Is it

Martin Freeman is Bilbo. No, its not, the M stands for Miliband so

it's, Miliband something something battle. Miliband fears irritating

battle. No, no. Irritable bowel. think its Miliband fights image

battle. Very good, thank you very much, Hugh Dennis.

APPLAUSE. OK, the answer I was looking for

was Miliband Fights Image Battle. This is the news that Ed Miliband

has launched a campaign to make himself better known to voters,

embracing his geek image and comprehensive school education. It

comes in a week when one poll suggested 63 per cent of the

electorate do not see him as a future Prime Minister. The poll

actually said though, it said people didn't regard him as Prime

ministerial as David Cameron. You think that's really probably not

much of a surprise because David Cameron is, in fact, the Prime

Minister. Yes. We need to be a bit careful throwing stones about Ed

Miliband appearing like a bit of a dork. If there are seven men on

television who don't need to be throwing stones in this particular

glasshouse. It's this seven man up you to the survival of the fittest

thing. This is not only the pot calling the kettle black. This is

the kettle calling another kettle a kettle. To be fair only one of us

has a programme about maths. Yes. What policies have Labour touted at

their Conference this week? He's promised more help for first-time

buyers and my parents helped me buy my first flat. I can't thank them

enough, it turns out. He wants to cut stamp duty, doesn't he, to

promote growth. Yeah. It might work. I mean, what was Cameron's best

idea to promote growth? Everybody should build a conservatory and

you're thinking that is not going to kick start the British economy.

It might kick start the Polish economy. They're going to sell 4G..

People talk about this thing, but they might they might as well go,

and we shall sell the nation's returns of unobtanium. And the

money we would receive from that. Miliband said that they were going

to break up the banks which is actually a policy that genuinely

could solve the financial crisis as long as they go back in time and do

it before 2008. The one banking reform that I would like to see is

the people who work at the Halifax - stop pissing about at that radio

station and do some work. Do you not think If they did break up the

banks that Miliband is the sort of bloke who would just end up with a

pen with one of those little chains on it. Here is a picture of Shadow

Chancellor Ed Balls, but can anyone give me a phrase to sum this up? Is

he just thinking to himself, why, when my name is Balls, do I keep

having photographs like these? Yes it is Mr Ed Balls playing football,

playing football in a match between MPs and journalists at the

Conference. Apart from playing football, what else has Ed Balls

been doing recently? He's a politician. He's been sickening

normal people everywhere by learning to play the piano. At what

level? Grade one. Grade one, yes. Grade one is recognising that that

that's not a piano. This is a trick test. That's not a piano - you've

passed. I reckon he just heard mention of chopsticks and he

thought there might be some food availabe. It would be good to learn

to play chopsticks. That will be handy for when he's Chancellor and

has to beg money off the Chinese. Do you think he will go to the

Chinese and go, ah, honourable Chinese President.

DARA MIMES PLAYING PIANO. They'll go, you took an interest in

our culture. Sh. That's as much as I know. I think he would have lost

them with Honourable Chinese President. Opening with that.

not in the Diplomatic Corps. What are you saying? It would be like

arriving in the Congo with a crate of Um Bongo. I hope you will enjoy

this beverage. We are told this is all you drink here. Here in the

Congo, which has been renamed for how long? It is now called the

Democratic Republic of Um Bongo. the way, who did he do the test

with? Lots of five and six-year-old children. Six-year-old children.

Six-year-old child, six-year-old child, Ed Balls, six-year-old child

As a six-year-old child you'd be thinking, you'd be told as you wait

in that room, if you fail this you're coming back again. And then

a 45-year-old, even as a six-year- old you're thinking, Oh, my God,

this guy's an idiot. They take this shit seriously round here. Please

let me go, please don't make me do the exam again. I do in a way think

it's commendable that he's done it and he's got to have a release. But

I also think it's a really bad thing for a busy politician to do

in a sort of connecting with the people way because people who have

got normal jobs are going, Well, I haven't got time to learn the

fucking piano, I haven't got time. I should really do what Cameron

does just get pissed and lose his kids and stuff like that. And then

people are like, Aye, he's one of mine. In other news, what did David

Cameron do recently that no other serving British Prime Minister has

ever done? Samantha Cameron. also went on Letterman. In the

States, didn't he. Letterman was trying to trip him up by asking him

about British history, which is tricky because we have got a lot

more of it than they have. American history exams are really easy. They

just have questions like, on what date was September the 11th? He did

do all right, but he didn't know what Magna Carta meant when in fact

what he should have said obviously is, what Magna Carta means is that

we had civilised democratic government some 200 years before

your country was discovered. Also I'd imagine that had he said

that it wouldn't quite have gone as well as an appearance as he would

have liked. David Cameron was on a complete charm offensive. Look at

you, you small poxy country. I don't care what he says - we're

older than you. Older, feel my history. He could also have gone,

you say your name is Letterman. In my country we would call you

Postman. He wasn't going on as a Bond villain. From where I'm from,

that would be called cheek. "Kill him now." They love us as villains.

They always have English people as villains. They don't know who he is.

This was an... We could have sent anybody. We should have sent Alan

Rickman. "Hello." Do you know what he came out to... I know what he

came out to - he came out to loads of dry ice and they said it

represented a London fog when we haven't had a London fog for over

100 years. That's the stereotype image that those Americans believe

the fat dumb rednecks. APPLAUSE.

The closest we've apparently got to a London fog is Boris Johnson at

the moment, either that or Amy Childs from The Only Way Is Essex.

What Boris Johnson did say was that he got it wrong deliberately

because he didn't want to seem like he'd had Latin coming out of every

orifice. Now that sounds creepy, doesn't it? The thing about Borish

Johnson though is everybody thinks that he is quintessentially English

but in fact he was born in America, named after a Russian, and looks

like a Swedish person who's eaten another Swedish person.

APPLAUSE. At the end of that round the points

go to Chris, Hugh and Gary. Our next round is called Newsreel. We

play in a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news and

ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said. This week's clip

features the Prince of Wales. God, it's Margaret Beckett, isn't

it, from the first Labour government. Do you know I'm

beginning to wonder how recent this footage actually is. Lovely, a

train in a box. Mummy normally just gives me a Twix and a lump of

organic cheese. Never mind. Stick that on eBay. This will be your

driver, Dave. Hello, Dave. How do you drive this thing do you... I

bet you've got a tale or two to tell. You're right it has been

hairy a couple of times. I quite fancy doing your job.

And I quite fancy doing your job. That's not going to fucking happen.

Can I have a go? No, I'm afraid it's against

regulations. Is it, is it, now Dave, think very

carefully. Yes, I think that's the right

answer. I think that's the right answer. Nobody wants to be force

fed organic biscuits. Anyway let's have some fun. This is an

impression. This is the British economy. It's going backwards.

Don't worry, I understand about trains. Now tell me, Dave, can this

go sideways? It only goes backwards and forwards.

Why don't we just concentrate on just driving the train. Sir, just

push the lever forward. Oh, it's a lever, is it? I thought

it was an enormous Liquorice Allsort. What do I do, just push it

forwards? Oh yes, look, we're going. This is a piece of piss, Dave.

You're stealing a living. Hang on - my arm's stuck. My arm's locked.

David, I can't stop. My arm's locked, my arm's locked. Oh, my God.

I'm out of control - I can't stop. I got you there, didn't I, Dave.

Well done, Hugh Dennis. Now we play a round called Wakey wakey, Rory

Mock-Ilroy. This game involves Ed and Gary. So, if you could make

your way to the performance area, please. This round is a stand-up

challenge. I launch the wheel of news and wherever it chooses to

stop, one of our performers must step forward and talk about that

subject. The winner is whoever I think is the funniest. OK, here we

go. Let's have the first topic please. The first subject is

Parenting. I'll take this. We have two children in our house. Two boys.

One is four months old and the other is 21 months old. Yeah. We

didn't want there to be too big a gap so my wife had them both by

The four month old, he's already more of a man than I've ever been.

Because he's already mastered the art of the casual vomit, something

I could never do. When I'm sick it's a biblical event, its coming

out of my nose, pulling muscles in my back. But he's so cool with it,

he'll look at you and make you think you just did it. What's this?

That was you. Don't think so. It's amazing the pressure that can build

up in a small child. The puke flies out and the piss flies out and the

shit. Honestly, if I was to feed him creosote instead of milk I

could do my fence with him. The thing that I was careful about,

even though I had two boys I didn't name either of them after me

because I didn't want to have that Big Ed and Little Ed thing. Cos

when you call one of your sons Little Ed it just sounds too much

like you're talking about your cock. Oh, Little Ed's been misbehaving.

It just seems a bit, oh, honey, would you just hold Little Ed?

Would you hold Little Ed for a minute? Oh, Little Ed's been sick

on you. Thank you very much. APPLAUSE.

OK, that leaves us with Gary. Let's see what you've been left with. OK,

spin the wheel. The topic is Celebrity. Celebrity. They've

started a Celebrity magazine for the elderly. It's called Hello,

hello, hello. Uri Geller, surprisingly hard to stab.

LAUGHTER. Malcolm X chose that name rather

than admit that he'd accidentally put a kiss at the end of a text

message. LAUGHTER.

I went to see Walt Disney On Ice. Bit disappointing - it was just an

old bloke in a freezer. LAUGHTER.

The new President of France said this week that English speakers

were arrogant in their refusal to learn foreign languages. At least I

think that's what he said. But it all just sounded like haw he haw,

haw he haw. Apparently, that's not When they buried the man who

invented Tetris, the whole cemetery disappeared. As well as seven years

in prison here, Abu Hamza could be deported to the United States,

where he could face the electric chair. But on the plus side, if he

is electrocuted, at least he can just stick his hook in the air and

pretend to be a bumper car. Well done, Gary there. Points for both

of you, come on back. Our next round is called If this is the

Answer, What Is The Question? On the board are six categories. Gary,

which category would you like? would like sport, please. OK, the

category is sport, and the answer is14 and half, what is the

question? Is it how many weeks does it now take Mickey Rourke to get an

erection? Is it what glass slipper size... What glass slipper size

would have made Prince Charming go, Is it how many pubes do the band

One Direction have? Is it how many months does Wayne Rooney think

there are in a year? Is it how many shades of grey are there really?

How many minutes did it take to write Gangnam Style? How many pints

would the seven dwarves get through...if Snow White was there

and all of them were driving? Get that, eh, get the maths of that.

don't get it, I don't get it. pints each to be under the limit,

plus a half for the lady. Is it how far into Jamie Oliver's 15-minute

meals did I realise I didn't have How many hairs has Dara got left?

Aw! That's cruel. Comedy doesn't need to be cruel like that. Is it

in fact, how many points did the European Ryder Cup team get? Very

good, Andy Parsons. Yes, the question I was looking for was,

what was Europe's winning score in the Ryder Cup? This is the news

that Europe's golfers retained the Ryder Cup after producing a

stunning comeback in a tense and exciting final day in Chicago.

After trailing the United States 10-6 after two days' play, they

produced an outstanding performance to win by 14 and a half points to

the United States's 13 and a half points. Did you watch it? Yeah, it

was brilliant, wasn't it? The course was all set up, of course,

for the Americans. They had very long fairways for their big hitters,

not too much rough, so they could play their iron shots, and very few

female spectators to distract Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods, of course, who

lost the foursomes, which came as a surprise, because he'd had so much

practice. I've never seen such a thrilling game of golf, and I

didn't see this one either. Don't you love the American names,

though? Because that's what I like most about it. Their captain is

called Davis Love III. That is a great name, but do I need to know

that, that you love the third? I love the 18th, but I don't go on

about it. I'd like Dara to say it, though. What, Davis Love III? You

wanted me to say "de turd" and then dance with a pig under my arm.

is exactly what I want. By the way, the Americans were 10-6 up, which

was until then an historically unassailable practically when

playing away from home, but they had a rousing speech the night

before. George W Bush on the Saturday night, when it looked like

the fight was won, George W Bush came along and said the fight was

won, and then the next day the fight was lost. How unlike George W

Bush to say that the fight was won and then it turns out it's not! The

US team can count themselves lucky that they're not still on the

course in bunkers doing that with mortars flying over their heads.

Bush walks out and goes, "Mission accomplished!" Cut to two years

later, "Well, we hope to get our golfers out at some stage, bring

them back for Christmas, that's what we're hoping." Who needed a

police car to take him to the first tee? Rory McIlroy! Yes, you're

absolutely right. His excuse was that the coverage on the telly was

timed as being on Eastern time, when in fact he was in Illinois, so

there was an hour's difference. But the fact is, he was still watching

the Ryder Cup on the telly. He was still there going, "What's on? Golf,

I love golf. What are these people up to? There's a lot of people

standing around looking at their watches..." "Hey, hey, I'm playing

him today!" "When this guy turns up, is he going to be..." The penny

dropped. Here's a picture of the European team celebrating their win,

can you sum up this picture in a phrase or a caption? Yeah, what a

load of swingers. This is what's happening in the 1970s right now.

They're twisting again, you know, like we did, last summer. Is this

Marks & Spencer launches its new Looks Like A Dick range? This

year's line-up for Strictly looks a bit shit. Is it Gangnam style?

a version of Gangnam style, it's in fact gingham style. If you think

they look happy, you should see the bloke in the jacket shop. "I sold

them, I sold them!" Somewhere there's a branch of Garfunkel's

with no tablecloths. In other news, what are you now able to do in this

country at sunrise, midnight or three o'clock in the morning?

this show on Dave. Yes. You can get married 24 hours, can't you? And

Blackpool Tower say that they're very keen to have marriages at

midnight. Of course, the advantage of getting married at midnight in

Blackpool is that you can't actually see Blackpool. I think

it's the logical next step, because there's already civil partnerships

so gay people can get married, and now weddings at 3am so ugly people

can get married. The Home Office have said about this 24-hour

wedding thing is that it means they've increased the amount of

choice people can have when planning their weddings. Right now

there's a nation full of engaged men going, "Oh, good, another

"What we needed was more things to discuss about the planning of this

poxy wedding." Another thing to be able to do at three in the morning

to me, there's a definite market for 24-hour divorces or...3am

The baby's awake anyway, Dara. true, very true. You know what I

think about it? I didn't think of it as a christening, more the wake

we held for our sex life. First, you don't have to get married in

church anymore, then you get married at night. Who is this

benefiting? Vampires. Yeah. Oh, my God, that's exactly it, it's just

going to be a load of Twilight themed weddings! Oh, shite! Oh,

that's all it's going to be. At the end of that round, the points go to

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See, so if everyone can make their

way over to the performance area, I'll read out this week's topics

and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with. OK,

here we go, the first subject is....unlikely things for a sports

They think it's all over! But Wayne Rooney is telling his hair surgeons

So just two laps to go and then these dancers from Stringfellow's

Tragedy strikes the Winter Olympics as the ski-jumping is accidentally

And that's a 200 yard drive, Colin Montgomerie there, too lazy to walk

Well, with 200 metres to go, he is on the shoulder of the Ethiopian. I

don't know if it's legal for him to be there, but it'll slow him down a

Lewis Hamilton still leads, but there's trouble up ahead as Dick

Dastardly and Muttley are digging a She can see the line now, she can

see the line. She's definitely Welcome back to the women's shot

put. Here's the Lithuanian, my, Well, let's go over to Epsom for

the 2.30. There are 16 runners, everyone else is riding a horse.

And after Andy Murray's recent appearance on television's Mock The

Week, onto centre court we see the And that's an incredible right hook

So, Boris Johnson, are you enjoying the Olympics? Oh, I'm terribly

sorry, Clare Balding, are you And there was some confusion

earlier on Centre Court when Andy Murray thought he'd signed one of

those giant novelty tennis balls and it turned out to be a fat kid's

And the England team sticking with the classic 4-4-2 formation, this

really is the most organised orgy And Serena Williams remains

unseeded for a second year. I can't help thinking that a bit of lippy

OK, the next topic is...bad things to say at a job interview. What do

I think of nepotism? That's a good Yeah, I served for ten years in

I like to see myself as a people person, although some people have

So I'm just checking, you definitely, definitely, definitely

Sorry, could you repeat the question? My ankle bracelet's

Well, I am a fully qualified geography teacher and... The

If I were to take you on as an accountant, how do you think you'd

cope with all the extra fanny you'd Do I like jogging? Oh, I thought

you said, do I like dogging? The You've demonstrated a bad attitude,

an inability to listen and a complete lack of interest in others.

Welcome to Ryanair's customer- Well, they gave me a 2:2 at