Episode 10 Mock the Week


Episode 10

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This programme contains strong CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

:00:43.:00:49.

Hello and welcome to Mock The Week, I'm Dara O'Briain. Joining me this

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week are Joe Wilkinson, Josh Widdicombe, Milton Jones and also,

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Hugh Dennis, Andy Parsons and Chris Addison.

:00:58.:01:01.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We start with a round called if

:01:01.:01:04.

this is the answer, what is the question. On the board are six

:01:04.:01:08.

categories. Joe, which would you like? Politics, please.

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Thank you very much, your category is politics. And the answer is, 8%.

:01:12.:01:20.

What is the question? Is Is it how much of my body isn't covered in

:01:20.:01:26.

hair? No. No, it is not that. in fact how much of Abu Hamza would

:01:26.:01:32.

have to be removed so as they can get him through the Heathrow metal

:01:32.:01:37.

detectors? APPLAUSE

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What does Mario Balotelli give every game?! What is the chance of

:01:42.:01:46.

the police responding quickly to an incident at Andrew Mitchell's

:01:46.:01:50.

house? Is it how much of Ann Robinson's

:01:50.:01:54.

face can still move? Is it what looks like an obese

:01:54.:02:04.
:02:04.:02:07.

parent and two obese children on a Is it how many people involved with

:02:07.:02:12.

the making of the film Innocence Of The Muslims still think all

:02:12.:02:19.

publicity is good publicity? Is it what percentage of X Factor

:02:19.:02:29.
:02:29.:02:29.

finalists haven't had a granny die? What percentage of Americans have

:02:29.:02:33.

approached Dr Dre for medical advice? What level of erection did

:02:33.:02:43.
:02:43.:02:44.

I once try and have sex with? Do you measure like on that scale

:02:44.:02:49.

or... Itage of you going out on the pull chebing your wallet before you

:02:49.:02:55.

go out, condom, from tractor -- checking. Is it what's Nick Clegg's

:02:55.:03:01.

rating approval in his own family? Is it in deprived areas, how many

:03:01.:03:05.

lollipop ladies get licked to death?

:03:05.:03:10.

OK, what do you think? What percentage of people think they

:03:10.:03:16.

would vote for the Liberal Democrats? Yes, that's absolutely

:03:16.:03:20.

right. No! In opinion polls what percentage of the British public

:03:20.:03:22.

say they would vote for the Liberal Democrats at the next general

:03:22.:03:25.

election. This is the news that according to the latest figures at

:03:25.:03:29.

the start of the Lib Dem Conference, the party is the fourth most

:03:29.:03:33.

popular in the UK, Labour are in the lead with 42%, the

:03:33.:03:40.

Conservatives are in 32% with the UK Independence Party with 10%. How

:03:40.:03:45.

unpopular is Nick Clegg? He could improve his popularity by changing

:03:45.:03:52.

his name to Colonel Gaddafi. UKIP are now third. Nick Clegg said he

:03:52.:03:55.

wanted to create three Party Politics didn't he and he's

:03:55.:04:00.

achieved that but sadly his part eye's not one of them. I've done

:04:01.:04:03.

some door-to-door canvassing for the Lib Dems and it's always the

:04:03.:04:08.

same, you know, the lite comes on, people come downstairs in pajamas

:04:08.:04:17.

and people are angry. They keep on having a go at these kind of people

:04:17.:04:20.

doing this offshore banking go, they live in Britain but they are

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banking in the Cayman Islands, they've got the best of both world

:04:24.:04:29.

worlds. That's not the best of both worlds. The best of both is banking

:04:29.:04:37.

in the Cayman Islands and living in the Cayman Islands. It's like, "I'm

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banking in the Cayman Islands but I live in Roehampton". If you leave

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college �25,000 in debt and you need a 20% deposit, how are you

:04:49.:04:58.

ever going to get your own home. The average age of people getting

:04:58.:05:06.

their first home is 35. People will soon be buying houses when they're

:05:06.:05:12.

holding the bars. A nice old lady going up the stairs going, I love

:05:12.:05:14.

my independence! Bring a girl back to the house.

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Shall we take things upstairs (mimics a stairlift) Followed by

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the nurse bringing them back. is a picture of the Chief Whip

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Andrew Mitchell arriving by bike at work. Sum up this picture with a

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phrase. Cock on a bike. Is it Chris Hoy Haslett himself go since the

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Olympics. Chief Whip chased by giant chest chess pawn. Is it

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Spielberg disappointed with the sequel to ET? Is he simply shouting

:05:55.:06:02.

"open the F -ing gate, you plebby scum". Is he the only person that

:06:02.:06:09.

will be left in next year's Tour de France. What is the story? Very

:06:09.:06:12.

interesting. He has been accused of abusing, verbally, a policeman at

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the gates to Downing Street who wouldn't let him through and the

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main gates, he forced him to go through the pedestrian gates, he

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swore at the policeman and called him a pleb. It's the word pleb.

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It's the word whreb. I'm sure the police officer's heard worse --

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pleb. I'm sure he didn't say to his wife, oh, my God, someone dropped

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the p-bomb at work today, my east have never heard such a thing. It's

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the kind of thing you hear at school, like someone gives you a

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wedgie. I'd take that as a compliment. Michael Gove is

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presumably thinking that's a Latin word that,'s good, that's a

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classical education. Mitchell said they changed the word. I can't read

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out what words he said he said because he didn't tell us. These

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are the people charged with protecting him. You don't want to

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upset him. Oh, yes, Ian Huntley catch Mr Mitchell as he fell from

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the second floor of the building! Because I didn't think he'd want me

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to touch him give than I'm a pleb. As we took his body out of Downing

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Street, we took him through the main gate, it's what he would have

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wanted! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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The fact that he rides a Mary Poppins bicycle... It's difficult

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because you have got to decide who you are going to trust, a policeman

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or a Tory MP. Very difficult to know which is more likely to lie to

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you. A lot of Tory MPs. So last week! Hillsborough, 23 years!

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That's what the joke is about. How quick are our audience. Are you

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keeping up with the papers at all?! Is that the only source you have

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for this. Do you think abusing the audience helps? Yes! "oooo". How

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low is your shock threshold? Yes, fucking get a grip!

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Fucking plebs. It's not surprising that they

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abused the police though. They're the Mitchells, always abusing the

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police, he's probably been down the Vic going, I did it but blood is

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thicker than water, Phil. I didn't call 'em you plebs, I called 'em

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you slags. You don't run the Government, you toilet. One of the

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details was that he'd come from a curry house and in the Sun it was

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reported that he went for an Indian then to the gates of Downing Street

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where he let rip. That is not what you want to hear

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at all. If you don't think the gates are going to open quickly,

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you walk up and go (mimics fart) Mitchell says he didn't say pleb

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but the people who said he did were the Sun and I believe them because

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who else has better access to police files?!

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What?! The coach from the Sun? Pushed it too far now, Addison, had

:09:39.:09:45.

a go at the Sun. At Murdochs, yes, how dare you, that poor old

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defenceless man?! No-one was looking at that picture going, is

:09:48.:09:54.

he going to reveal himself to be posh, I wonder?

:09:54.:09:59.

He seems to have a very odd bicycle that you cycle with both feet at

:10:00.:10:09.
:10:10.:10:18.

At the end of that round, the points go to Hugh, Andy and Chris.

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Now we play a round called, loock, it's PC Pleb. This round involves

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Joe, Josh and Milton. The first Joe, Josh and Milton. The first

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topic, please. The first topic is catering. Anyone come in on that?

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Josh? I erm, my favourite place to eat is the breakfast buffet in a

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hotel. At a breakfast buffet, I'll eat absolutely everything. At home,

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I'll have cereal or toast for breakfast. A breakfast buffet, I'm

:10:58.:11:02.

having cereal and toast as my starter. In combinations you would

:11:02.:11:07.

never consider at home. What have I got, eight hash browns, topped with

:11:07.:11:14.

some Dutch cheese actually. And four pound of chocolate, six

:11:14.:11:19.

croissants, segments of a fruit I've never heard of and 12 of the

:11:19.:11:21.

smallest orange juices you have ever seen in your life. I eat so

:11:22.:11:27.

much at a breakfast buffet, I'm so tired I have to go back to bed and

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then sleep through to my next breakfast buffet, mixing the

:11:32.:11:41.

cereals, corn corn Quorn Shreddies. Who do people think I am? Heston

:11:41.:11:48.

Blumenthal. In Nando's they give you the refill cup, I would be an

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idiot not to have a Spranta, yes. I've got to have a Sprocafola. What

:11:55.:11:59.

does it taste like? Utter shit! Thank you very much.

:11:59.:12:03.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Let's have a look at the next

:12:03.:12:11.

subject. The topic is smoking. Joe?

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Erm... I've actually given up smoking which... Well that's a lie.

:12:16.:12:20.

Erm, I'll be honest with you, I'm one of those pricks that says

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they've given up and then goes to the pub and smokes yours. Cos when

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I was a proper smoker, I hated pricks like that. You know, someone

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comes up to you and goes, swu got a spare cigarette, I would go, no,

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because unfortunately, I'm addicted to 'em which means I pretty much

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take a shine toe all of 'em. Have you got a spare cigarette, yes, I

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do weirdly because I'm a 19-a-day man, weirdly enough, myself. Go

:12:57.:13:05.

away, you knobhead. Warnings do nothing for me, they're

:13:05.:13:15.
:13:15.:13:17.

quite drastic things "smoking kills". So?! All that horrible

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picture things. Bloody hell. I've come up with a couple of ideas to

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get people to stop smoking. Only ideas. You could put a warning on

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cigarette pacts that says, one of these fags has been up a dog's arse.

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-- packets. Yes, I think that would separate the men from the boys. Or,

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simply make cigarettes cock-shaped. Thank you very much.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So that leaves Milton. Let's see

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:14:07.:14:13.

That last bloke was a bit weird, wasn't he?! Anyway, I went back to

:14:13.:14:20.

my old school the other day, first time in 30 year, I took a note.

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LAUGHTER Teacher said, so, Jones, what have

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you done with your life?. I said I'm Britain's top Ofsted inspector.

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He was nicer to me after that. There for the funeral of my old

:14:36.:14:46.
:14:46.:14:48.

science teacher. He asked me to say a few words so I did. Method. Put

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the coffin in the crematorium. LAUGHTER

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Observations. We burn with an orangey bright

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flame. LAUGHTER

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Conclusion - no more homework. LAUGHTER

:15:17.:15:27.
:15:27.:15:32.

Next round is called headliners, here is a picture of the American

:15:32.:15:36.

presidential candidate, but what does this stand for? Frankster

:15:36.:15:41.

removes Romney's teeth? There's nothing there, is there? Looking at

:15:41.:15:46.

Obama's ears, President really resembles trophy.

:15:46.:15:56.
:15:56.:15:58.

Obama saying, PRRT, seven letters, Belgian deDefence Secretaryive. --

:15:58.:16:04.

Belgian detective. Is it public reaction reaches tepid. Is it in a

:16:04.:16:09.

Yorkshire accent, politicians right rubbish, tut.

:16:09.:16:15.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The correct answer? President reads

:16:15.:16:20.

Radio Times? Not President reads Radio Times! Is it presidential

:16:20.:16:28.

race remains tight? Well done. Yes, presidential race remains tight.

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With less than seven weeks to go, the race to win the presidency of

:16:33.:16:38.

the US race is hotting up. President Obama and Mitt Romney are

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still close, despite Mitt Romney completing a series of gaffes.

:16:45.:16:50.

think I preferred Romney in Only Fools And Horses. You plonker.

:16:50.:16:54.

got the Republican nomination this year but four years ago he lost out

:16:54.:17:00.

to John McCain, John McCain lost out eight years previously to

:17:00.:17:04.

George W Bush. So you're thinking, how poor are the Republicans at the

:17:04.:17:09.

moment that the best person they can find is somebody who wasn't

:17:09.:17:14.

quite as good as the bloke who wasn't quite as good who is George

:17:14.:17:17.

W Bush? APPLAUSE

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McCain doesn't like any of that, he's got a real chip on his

:17:21.:17:25.

shoulder. This time around, he's only the best of a bad bunch.

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There's newt gring rich who he beat to the nomination, -- Newt

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Beginningrich. He would have been the first -- Newt Gingrich. He

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would have been the first President to use his porn name.

:17:45.:17:50.

Accused of making himself look dark tore appeal to the Latino community.

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I thought it went far when he was shaking that rack kas.

:17:57.:18:04.

aeroplane gaffe, did you hear about that? Yes. -- Maraccas. Was it his

:18:04.:18:08.

wife wanted to smoke on an aeroplane? No, his wife's plane was

:18:08.:18:13.

forced to make an emergency landing because of fire, that's not the

:18:13.:18:23.
:18:23.:18:24.

same! A light tore the ceiling going fwwww. Imagine the arsonist

:18:25.:18:34.

going, but it lives, the flame lives. It would be a gaffe. At the

:18:34.:18:42.

convention, it would be like, stop, stop, stop. (blowing flame out)

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Constantly patting out flames. was on a plane, had to make an

:18:46.:18:51.

emergency landing because of fire. He said it's a huge relief to have

:18:51.:18:55.

her here. When you have fire in an aircraft, there's no place to go.

:18:55.:18:58.

You can't find any oxygen from outside the aircraft to get in the

:18:58.:19:03.

aircraft because the windows don't open. I don't know why they do that,

:19:03.:19:13.
:19:13.:19:20.

I would like to get a bit more air into the plane where the fire is! I

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don't know what worries me more, that he doesn't understand how air

:19:25.:19:29.

planes work or that he doesn't understand how FIRE works.

:19:29.:19:34.

suggested they use the petrol to put out the fire! Douse her in

:19:34.:19:39.

petrol, that'll keep her quiet for a while. All newspapers, all

:19:39.:19:44.

newspapers. Pass your in-flight magazines. Smother it in shavings

:19:44.:19:50.

of mud. It seems to be getting bigger!

:19:50.:19:55.

Did he not also say of his wife that he wasn't using her very much

:19:55.:20:00.

on the election campaign in case he got tired of her? Yes, he did say

:20:01.:20:05.

that. She said in an interview, I think that's really unfair, I don't

:20:05.:20:14.

see why anybody would get annoyed with me. He lives, it's beautiful.

:20:14.:20:23.

Hold your tie out. Hold your tie out. Mitt Romney is like a New York

:20:23.:20:30.

muppet. She's got a rot coming off her hand like that "hello, I'm Ann

:20:30.:20:35.

Romney. You should vote for my husband and he'll make all of the

:20:35.:20:45.
:20:45.:20:45.

windows roll down ". In other news, who are arming themselves with

:20:45.:20:50.

rifles and pots of Nutella? Is it the Loose Women? Not Loose Women.

:20:50.:20:56.

The people that are killing the badgers. I sounded more sad than I

:20:56.:21:02.

was about that. It's the people who're killing the badgers "why,

:21:02.:21:09.

mummy, are the people killing the badgers" (mimics a child) You are

:21:09.:21:15.

the young comic on the show. No need to make yourself sound like an

:21:15.:21:19.

eight-year-old child. Why is the nasty man killing the furry animal.

:21:19.:21:27.

They apparently give cows TB. Cows, badgers, badgers, cows, that may be

:21:27.:21:34.

too black-and-white! APPLAUSE

:21:34.:21:37.

Hugh Dennis! Black-and-white now and it will be

:21:37.:21:44.

black white and read all over! Is that because of the pun or

:21:44.:21:48.

because of the poor badgers. I can't work your moods out. Brian

:21:48.:21:53.

May's against the badger cull. You can see why. He's only got to walk

:21:53.:21:56.

through the countryside without somebody trying to shoot his hair

:21:56.:22:06.

off. What is the name of his organisation? Queen. Queen, yes.

:22:06.:22:15.

Anyone know what it's called? Badger. Whose initials spell TB.

:22:15.:22:22.

Joy Josh has got the badge. A big T and a big B and people are

:22:22.:22:30.

going" That's actually the problem". He owns the world's largest badger

:22:30.:22:35.

according to that picture. A badger of destiny! That badger, he goes,

:22:35.:22:42.

I'm above such tiny considerations. I see far into the future. I see a

:22:42.:22:47.

land where badgers and man can find me. He also appears to be on a

:22:47.:22:52.

Zimmer frame in that photograph so things are not good for Brian. I

:22:52.:22:56.

brought my first doctor home and I shall fill it with badgers,

:22:56.:23:02.

including the giant one. They want to kill 3,000 don't they. I was

:23:02.:23:05.

just wondering what they are going to do with them afterwards because

:23:05.:23:15.
:23:15.:23:15.

I'm a sort of part-time taxidermist. I really fancy having a Badger Army.

:23:15.:23:22.

I would love to think of you buried with your wp badger Army. If you

:23:22.:23:31.

are -- your Badger Army. All doing separate poses. Particularly if you

:23:31.:23:36.

were enbalmed in Nutella. If you cull too many badgers, you will

:23:36.:23:43.

just force them underground anyway. What celebrity stepped into it?

:23:43.:23:53.
:23:53.:23:53.

Clarissa Dickson Wright. Do you know what she said. She said

:23:54.:24:01.

(gobbledegook) The winners of that round are Hugh,

:24:01.:24:04.

Andy and Chris. Now scenes we'd like to see. If everyone can make

:24:04.:24:08.

their ways over to the performance area. I'll read the topics and

:24:08.:24:13.

we'll see what the panel can come up with. The first subject is:

:24:13.:24:17.

Unlikely things to hear in a news programme.

:24:17.:24:19.

A tornado's struck the East Coast of America carrying everything with

:24:19.:24:29.
:24:29.:24:30.

it. Let's go over to our Washington correspondent. In Hawaii.

:24:30.:24:40.

Welcome to Sky News. At the moment, the Sky is blue.

:24:40.:24:42.

APPLAUSE After years of searching, the

:24:42.:24:51.

police say that they are now close to finding who let the dogs out.

:24:51.:24:54.

They have new leads. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

:24:54.:25:04.
:25:04.:25:05.

Right, now, let's go over to the news in the shitty place you live.

:25:05.:25:11.

Scientists have inject add human embryo with Marmite. A woman gave

:25:11.:25:17.

birth to twiglets. Continuing our major story about

:25:17.:25:26.

news organisations hacking people, let's read a few of your e-mails.

:25:26.:25:30.

More on that volcanic eruption in Iceland. Two of the aisles have

:25:30.:25:36.

closed, one of the tills is out of order.

:25:36.:25:46.
:25:46.:25:47.

This is the world's most literal reporter saying, back to the studio.

:25:47.:25:51.

And now, over to Sue with the weather.

:25:51.:26:01.
:26:01.:26:14.

I've had her... Our main story, autocue workers

:26:14.:26:18.

complaining... Art willy fart off to the beach, you might see

:26:18.:26:26.

some tits. Let's hope it's a hot one. Oh, no, it's Rob McElwee.

:26:26.:26:36.
:26:36.:26:41.

And finally,... I'm in the Hague which must be very

:26:41.:26:50.

uncomfortable for him. Quick look at the weather now.

:26:51.:26:54.

APPLAUSE OK, the next topic is: Unlikely

:26:54.:27:00.

things to read on a medical label. Use only if you are immobile or

:27:00.:27:10.
:27:10.:27:12.

find it difficult to move. Tested on Dara O'Briain. In an emergency,

:27:12.:27:19.

shove the bottle of medicine up your arse. As recommended by

:27:19.:27:29.
:27:29.:27:31.

Michael Jackson. Chlorobenzoate for the aenueffluence of the trichordic

:27:31.:27:38.

aorta. Does exactly what it says on the tin.

:27:38.:27:47.

Groin cream - not suitable for people with a nut allergy. Home you

:27:47.:27:57.
:27:57.:28:00.

pathic tablets, side effects none, main effects none.

:28:00.:28:07.

Embarrassed use Anusol. Why not try this - Arse Crack Soothe.

:28:07.:28:15.

Do not eat dairy, otherwise we'll have nowhere to milk the cows.

:28:15.:28:25.
:28:25.:28:37.

Viagra - it will give you more than Contains sprocksprock and

:28:37.:28:44.

ditetramethyl. Viagra, take before shag or if single strap up for the

:28:44.:28:51.

wank of a lifetime. Don't eat the bottle chubby. Keep

:28:51.:29:01.
:29:01.:29:02.

out of reach of children. Not the tablets, you!

:29:02.:29:11.

Stor somewhere cool like New York. Pregnancy test - pick up your

:29:11.:29:21.
:29:21.:29:22.

daughter's boyfriend and shout "was it you?!" The points go to Chris,

:29:22.:29:29.

Hugh and Milton. And that's the end of the show.

:29:29.:29:38.

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