Episode 9 Mock the Week


Episode 9

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This programme contains strong Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.

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I'm Dara O'Briain. Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Jo Caulfield,

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Greg Davies, Gary Delaney, Hugh Dennis and Chris Addison.

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We start with a round called if this is theance, what is the

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question. On the board are six categories. Gary which would you

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like? Media, please. OK, media. The answer is 600 metres. What is the

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question? Is it if Kelvin McKenzie was to do a bungee jump from a

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height of 500 metres, what length rope should he be given What head

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start would I need if I was complete peeting against Usain Bolt

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in the 100 metres. Is it how big in the 100 metres. Is it how big

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are some trees, Dara? No, no, no trees are 600 metres. Is it how far

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is the Queen's bed from her en suite bathroom? Is it how far away

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can Boris Johnson smell a Custard Creme. Is it in fact how far with

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The Proclaimers walk now. Is it at what distance is Theresa May

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attractive? None of the rest would do that -

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good to have you on board! Is it when kicking Chris Brown in the

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bollocks how long a run-up should you talk. Is it proportionally if a

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clown's nose was the size of Dara's head, how long would his shoes be?

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So rude! Is it how long was the longest runner bean ever grown at

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the Fukushima nuclear plant? Was it in fact how long would your penis

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be if all the products in the spam emails worked? Is it what is the

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delivery radius of a relatively unambitious company? Is it the

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distance that Prince Philip sprinted to get hold of a copy of

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the French magazine Closer? Am I close? You can be Closer!

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it in fact the distance that they were taking shots of Kate topless?

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That is absolutely right, thank you very, very much, Andy Parsons.

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Yes, the question I was looking for was, from what approximate distance

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did the photographer take pictures of Kate topless. This is the news

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that the Duke and Duchess have taken legal action against Closer.

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A French court has blocked future publication of the pictures in

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France but they've already been published in Italy and Ireland.

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There's loads of Royals who've been snapped naked. Harry, Kate, Andrew

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before that, Charles before that, Countess of Wessex. I mean there

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have been in fact so many of them. I think they should persuade a few

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more to do it and then they could release a charity calendar.

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thing is, it's terrible, unjustifiable and immoral but I

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quite want to see the pictures. haven't seen them yet? Fuzzy

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versions. They are all fuzzy, they were take foreign the Hubble

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telescope. From the Hubble Hubble telescope!

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What I found intriguing was, I don't know if everyone was, but I

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was waiting for the next time she appear md public to see if she'd

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acknowledge what happened to the cameras and she just did the same

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smile. If someone photographed me meat and two veg, I would have

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probably come out and gone... The whole thing is making a

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mountain out of two mole hills. That's a good point. Probably

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better I think the BBC would prefer it if we didn't judge the woman's

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breasts. That would be the incorrect direction. I think she's

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annoyed. I've looked at the photos and they're at that awkward angle

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when you're topless. You have to stay at a certain position and it's

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not that attractive and she's reaching for the sun cream position.

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That's what she's annoyed about like my uncle Terry when he popped

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out of his shorts. Is I didn't see that edition of Closer, Jo's uncle

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Terry pops out to the shops and his shorts. Do you think she's

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genuinely worried about it? Do you think there's one bit of her

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thinking, where's my sister's arse now then?!

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APPLAUSE No British newspaper editors have

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published the picture although they have had a proper think about it.

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The massive hypocrisy of it is astonishing. I like it when The Sun

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gets on its high horse, they say no responsible paper would touch this

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with a bargepole. Two weeks ago you were doing everything you could to

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show us Harry's bargepole. Which magazines have published it? Closer.

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The Irish magazine because she's not the future Queen. And the

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Italian one. The Italian excuse is that they are young, beautiful and

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in love and the Irish go, she's not our Queen. They publish faces like

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that, topless photos in magazines shot with a long lens, kissing and

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cuden in the pool, then they are putting sun cream on each other --

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cuddling. These are meant to be sexy. There's nothing less erotic

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than putting sun cream on your partner's baca, is there? It's just

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something you have to do. You have to do, yes. The reason you have to

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do it is because you can't put sun cream on your own baca so you have

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to reach a deal with the person that you are with. That's all it is.

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I was photographed on a holiday once by - I was papped, yeah - I

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was doing exactly that and the pictures were quite shocking, I

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don't know if you saw them. It was an intrusion.

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LAUGHTER That wasn't on holiday, was it,

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Dara? That was in our house, wasn't it, Dara? That's the least erotic

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thing I've ever seen. Where does a guy in the office find the source

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photograph? I believe he has your laptop. Yes. In other Royal news

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who's been found in a car park in Leicester? Stan Collymore.

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This is Richard III isn't it? Do you know about him?

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A little bit yes. We were taught a lot of that in school about the

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Shakespeare era. (mimics Richard III)

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You cannot be saved now. It would be quite operational when your sons

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arrive. You get a different version to us!

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Richard III was the man who lost the War of the Roses to Alan

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Titchmarsh and he died at the Battle of Bosworth and Riz remains

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have been found in the bottom of a car park which is great. They don't

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know what to do with him because he's lost his ticket and he's got

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six grand in payments. He's got to pay another 50 because his body is

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spread. You can't spread your feet ten feet without stepping in

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Richard III. It's not a big deal is it... It's not a big deal?! They

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find Prince Harry in a skip most weeks. In addition to Leicester's

:09:07.:09:17.
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hall of fame, they have Rusty Lee, Showaddywaddy and now him. Gary

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Lineker comes up at the end. They didn't have car parks in the olden

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days. Also they found the bones in a small cardboard box labelled

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southern fried chicken. They have the courage of the spine then.

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People were a lot smaller then. They weren't the size of a chicken!

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I have found Richard III in this box. Just a chicken box, look at

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that, we didn't have to dig, it was just here. They are not quite sure

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whether they think he was killed with a candle stick or led piping

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and they think he was probably a good King. He said a horse, a horse,

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a Kingment for a horse. I think he should be saying, the force, the

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Monkey. Monkey. Like a Chinese monkey. This one cheaper than oda

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one. You cwossm palm and I save you fortune. You have to collect, I put

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down so you can get in, innit. APPLAUSE

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I'm looking forward to the worldwide distribution of this

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episode. We were merely doing impressions of one another's

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impressions. I was quite shocked to see the picture. I read today that

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he's only 3, he looks like Dot Cotton. That's not a picture of him.

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They couldn't take pictures at the time that,'s probably a painting or

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something. Didn't they have paparazzi baca then if her --

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paparazzi baca then, if his wife was showing her boobs on balcony,

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would they have got the tapestry out. They would have just done a

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nipple or something. At the end of that round, the points go to Jo,

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:12:03.:12:06.

Greg and Andy. Now a round called Titty-Titty-Ban-Ban. This game will

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involve Jo, Greg and Andy. I launch news and whef this wheel chooses to

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stop, one of them will step forward and talk about that subject. The

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winner is the funniest one. The first subject is sport. Who wants

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to come in on that? Andy Parsons. So, it was the Olympic parade last

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week. It was great seeing it live, obviously I had to keep certain

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amount of a low-profile in the crowd cos I was throwing a sicky

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But it was great. 21 buses driving through London in a steady two

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miles an hour pace. Very like a normal day in London really. There

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was an embarrassing moment when one of the conductors rang the bell on

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the bus and then got the shit kicked out of him by the blind

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football team. And I realised actually, I could

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get into any sport during the Olympics. The only sport I couldn't

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get into, dressage. Watching a horse walk and then reverse. They

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call it horse ballet. I don't think anybody would go and see ballet if

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it was just some bloke walking a bit quicker, slowing down a bit,

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stopping, bowing and then pissing off. And secondly, not many people

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go to ballet anyway because it's shit. Thank you, Andy Parsons.

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OK, the next subject is the Internet. Who wants to come in on

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that? Jo? The Internet. You know when you buy things on Amazon and

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they have recommendations, you know like the person who purchased this

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also purchased this, I was thinking I would like to hack into Amazon

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and put up my own recommendations, so like the customer who purchased

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My Story by Dannii Minogue also purchased a length of rope and a

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wob by chair. -- wobbly chair. Customer who is

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bought the book fabulous photos of puppies and kittens also bought why

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men leave. And customer who is bought Fifty Shadows of Grey also

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bought a great big cucumber. -- Fifty Shades Of grey. My grandad

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has to go into a home and these places are very expensive, but we

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found somewhere nice, his own kitchen, shower, outside space with

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plants and shrubs, but it's completely free. We've left him in

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Homebase. APPLAUSE

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That leaves us with Gary, let's see what topic you have been left with.

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Family. Family. OK. Old lady names are very

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much back in fashion at the minute like Lily, Elsie, Rose and we

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wanted something like that for our daughter but we couldn't decide, so

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in the end we called her nan. Told her she'll grow into it.

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I remember one time my uncle asked me to spell schadenfreude and I

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couldn't but he's dead now and I'm not so I win.

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My does unalways introduces himself as Stephen with a ph, that's

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because he's slightly acidic. My marryed friends tell me there's

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always someone out there for everyone and I think, wow, she must

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be a right slag. Knock knock who's there grandad,

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shit stop the funeral. Grandad asked me how to print on

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his new computer and I said just control P and he said, I haven't

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been able to do that for years. My confirmed bachelor uncle always

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describes himself as ah sexual but I would also add B gay.

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Drkdrka-sm sexual, but I would always add B gay. As a child, I was

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always told if I touch myself down there, God was watchings, it turns

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out it was just uncle Peter. Thank you.

:16:51.:17:01.
:17:01.:17:02.

Well done. Gary Delaney. Go on back.

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Our next round is called headliners. Here is a picture of Education

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Secretary Michael Gove, but what does GAEC stand for? Gove attends

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elf college. Enet tick Is it something, something, something

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cock. Is it Michael Gove saying gosh, actual ethnic children?

:17:34.:17:44.
:17:44.:17:46.

arse to age of chair. Is it Gove Adonis exuding charisma. Is it

:17:46.:17:56.
:17:56.:18:00.

adult literacy rates poor? Golam advises earth children. Grinder

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:18:10.:18:12.

adventure ends catastrophically. nothing's going to top that. Gove

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announces emergency contraceptive. Let's have the correct answer,

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please. Something about Gove announces exam change. Very good.

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Yes, the answer I was looking for was Gove announces exam changes,

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the news that Education Secretary Michael Gove has announced a new

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English Baccalaureate Certificate to replace GCSEs for 2015 student

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who is'll work towards a demanding three-hour exam at the end of a two

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year course rather than the current combination of course work and

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multiple retakes. An exam that thicker kids won't be tiebl

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pronounce, it's the "baca "what, give me a shovel, I'll go down a

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mine. If you can't pronounce that, they'll teach you practical skills

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like how to back a alreadyry out! APPLAUSE. The Tories have assured

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us that under this system no child will be left behind. How can we

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take Tory promises when their leader's David Cameron? Do you know

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what the abbreviation is? EBAC. Which is when Yorkshire people make

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payments over the Internet. Something from Star Wars? Yes, it

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was. Bet you can't do the impression... Sky Walker, your

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EBACs will not qualify you to run the empire now. There is been a lot

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of debate about what grades have been De valued and I discussed that

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with my nephew Professor tummy recently. Sorry, it's one of these

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things I'm always genuinely perplexed about coming from a

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different country with my spices and silks. There are so many great

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things about it except your exams which are mad. The education by the

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way is great. I'm not saying anything about the education but

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the exams are mad. People when confronted with an exam paper go to

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pieces and forget how to count and I think it's very unfair that they

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are marking the papers. APPLAUSE There are people who

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shouldn't be taking exams. My friend Carl was at sixth form

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college with a girl who got her A- level results and when she pulled

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out the piece of paper, the three letters telling her what her

:20:40.:20:50.
:20:50.:20:53.

feature would be, she went, ha, ha, ha, that spells" none. When it

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comes to exam time, there's far worse pressure on the teachers

:20:56.:20:59.

because you have to spend sometimes four or five hours in those halls

:20:59.:21:03.

just walking up and down and it's a recipe for insanity. I had no

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choice when teaching but to invent a game called Camp Aisle. It was

:21:10.:21:20.

just to see who could walk up and down the aisle the campest. We

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started off just sort of slightly mincing. Honestly, by the end of it,

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I was walking down a full aisle of children like this. I knew it was

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time for me to leave teaching when I got down to the end of one aisle,

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a kid looked up at me at the end of a GCSE and went tut tut.

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Were you essentially vogueing your way? I'm not exaggerating, by the

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end of it I was like that. They want to make the exams harder but

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surely they are hard enough already if your teacher is walking up and

:21:58.:22:01.

down camping it up? I'm still qualified technically. We'll have

:22:01.:22:11.

to cut this bit out. Is that your safety net? Yes. Having seen you in

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Inbetweeners, I don't think anybody's going to employ you.

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You've always got a trade! I did a gig at the University of

:22:19.:22:23.

Central England which is in Birmingham, that's where they are

:22:23.:22:27.

trying to hide from you. I said, UCE, so-called, because that's the

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grade it takes to get in. I had to explain it to them. I was in an

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exam at school. My mate at the back of the hall went we were all

:22:42.:22:49.

waiting to leave and someone at the end of the class went miaow and the

:22:49.:22:52.

invigilator looked and someone else did it again and again from

:22:52.:22:56.

different parts of the hall and it led to my favourite sentence ever

:22:56.:23:02.

to come from an adult's mouth which was "all right, no-one leaves until

:23:02.:23:11.

the miaowing stops". The points go to Chris, Hugh and Gary.

:23:11.:23:16.

Now scenes we'd like to see. So if everyone can make their way over to

:23:16.:23:21.

the performance air yarbgs I'll read out the topics then we'll see

:23:21.:23:26.

what the panels can come up with -- area. Unlikely things to hear on a

:23:26.:23:29.

property show. Six months in and Mike has fallen

:23:29.:23:33.

out with the builder. There was no window there and neither of them

:23:33.:23:42.

noticed. With violence and strong language from the very beginning,

:23:42.:23:50.

it's A Place in the Sunderland. Yes, it is north-facing but on the

:23:50.:23:57.

plus side, it's a caravan so you can just turn it round.

:23:57.:24:04.

Get that fish out of here, it stinks. Should never leave a place

:24:04.:24:11.

in the Sun. APPLAUSE We've just one hour while

:24:11.:24:15.

Gina's at the shops to improve her flat in Luton, we are setting it on

:24:15.:24:21.

fire and moving it to Oxford. Well, it's another setback. This

:24:21.:24:25.

time the structure is damaged and for the first time I'm asking

:24:25.:24:35.

myself, will the Death Star ever be finished?

:24:35.:24:39.

And more information on how to get together a deposit for a house can

:24:39.:24:47.

be found in our free leaflet when will manor die? So, you bought it

:24:47.:24:53.

at auction for �100,000 but what exactly are you going to do with

:24:53.:24:59.

Middlesbrough? What we've done is we've knocked

:24:59.:25:02.

the wall between the kitchen and the lounge down and what that's

:25:02.:25:12.

done is killed all the people who're sitting in the lounge.

:25:12.:25:18.

kitchen's done in a very modern style, we call it crack den. We are

:25:18.:25:23.

looking at a well-equipped council house in Hull, fridge, oven,

:25:23.:25:27.

washing machine. In fact, this is one of the nicest gardens we've

:25:27.:25:35.

seen. This week on Grand Designs, my gran designs a house. It will be

:25:35.:25:41.

shit, she's got terrible arbt rye it is, not even a rudimentary

:25:41.:25:48.

qualification -- arthritis. Three coats of varnish and a new

:25:48.:25:54.

rug and Brucie is ready for his next show.

:25:54.:25:59.

Welcome to the 74-hour long obsessive come pulsive episode of

:26:00.:26:09.
:26:10.:26:15.

How Clean Is Your House? Knock it down, Tarmac it, fuck 'em.

:26:15.:26:23.

APPLAUSE OK, the next topic is: Mr Parsons, your baby looks exactly

:26:23.:26:30.

like you, but mind you, so does every other baby. There are

:26:30.:26:40.

complications, I'm afraid. For a start, I'm not a doctor.

:26:40.:26:50.

definitely can see the head. You should do your flies up, doctor.

:26:50.:27:00.
:27:00.:27:02.

Bad news, I'm afraid. He's ginger. Your highness.

:27:02.:27:06.

So would you like to hold the little fella or shall I give you

:27:06.:27:16.
:27:16.:27:17.

the baby? Mrs Jones, I'm going to need you to push and then when

:27:17.:27:23.

we've got the ambulance started, we'll try and get you to hospital.

:27:23.:27:33.
:27:33.:27:33.

Oh, God, the that my baby? I've given birth to Andy Parsons.

:27:33.:27:40.

stay up that end and talk to your wife if I were you, Mr Smith, it

:27:40.:27:44.

looks like Alien Versus Predator down here. This is the ward for

:27:44.:27:54.

unwanted twins. We call it the Jedward. Very good.

:27:54.:27:58.

Basically you just turn 'em over and slap 'em on the arse. These

:27:58.:28:05.

nurses' parties are great. Nice to see you again Mrs Joely, if

:28:05.:28:13.

you would luke to move along to the next window to correct your --

:28:13.:28:23.
:28:23.:28:23.

collect your order. This isn't your first baby is it? You have a

:28:23.:28:28.

bouncing baby boy. I know that because I dropped him in the

:28:28.:28:38.

delivery room. OK big breath in, hold it, hold it and pass the joint

:28:38.:28:44.

to the midwife. If you are not in when we deliver your baby, is it OK

:28:44.:28:54.
:28:54.:28:56.

if we leave it with a neighbour? no, I do like it, darling, just not

:28:56.:29:03.

in that colour. I know you're in great pain but we

:29:03.:29:13.

need to know your name. Right. Doctor for Mrs Fuck off. The points

:29:13.:29:21.

go to Greg, Jo and Andy. APPLAUSE

:29:21.:29:27.

That is the end of the show. The winners are Andy Parsons, Jo

:29:27.:29:34.

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