Episode 5 Mock the Week


Episode 5

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This programme contains strong Hello. Welcome to Mock the Week.

:01:03.:01:07.

I'm Dara O'Briain. Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Josh

:01:08.:01:10.

Widdicombe and Miles Jupp, Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton

:01:10.:01:18.

Jones. APPLAUSE

:01:18.:01:21.

We start with a round called if this is the answer, what is the

:01:21.:01:24.

question. On the board are six categories, Josh, which would you

:01:24.:01:30.

like? Can I go sport. OK. The answer is: 74 years. What's the

:01:30.:01:34.

question? Is it what is the official age at which you can be

:01:34.:01:39.

racist and get away with it? much back taxes does Jimmy Carr

:01:39.:01:44.

owe? CHEERING

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Is it when will it stop raining? it the traditional amount of time

:01:50.:01:57.

between a person's first meal at a Harvester...

:01:57.:01:59.

LAUGHTER . Is it how long would it take

:02:00.:02:06.

Beckham tpwok eat a Cornish pasty? Is it how long a minute feels in

:02:06.:02:10.

the presence of Louie Spence. would it feel like if Prince

:02:10.:02:19.

Charles was agreeing with the answer 74? 74 years.

:02:19.:02:25.

Is it how long will Katy Holmes have to look over her shoulder?

:02:25.:02:30.

it how long after eating mackerel is it safe to burp again? Is it

:02:30.:02:35.

what is the average age of the person buying Beyonce's new track,

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all the shingle ladies? APPLAUSE

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Is it if you come out of a toilet at a music festival, how long do

:02:46.:02:51.

you suggest to the person going in that they should leave it? Is it

:02:51.:02:54.

what is the distance of my exclusion order from Doctor Who's

:02:54.:03:00.

assistant? LAUGHTER

:03:00.:03:06.

Is it when.last British man enter a final at Wimbledon? In the singles.

:03:06.:03:13.

Yes! Thank you very much. Yes, the correct answer was before Andy

:03:13.:03:18.

Murray how long had it been since a British man reached a Wimbledon

:03:18.:03:23.

singles find. Andy Murray was the first since Bunny Austin was runner

:03:23.:03:28.

up in 1938. I would ask you to temper your comments, jokes and

:03:28.:03:32.

your observations with the fact that Andy Murray, the runner up in

:03:32.:03:36.

the British men's singles final is actually in the audience at the

:03:36.:03:46.
:03:46.:04:01.

moment. Big hello to Andy. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you

:04:02.:04:04.

very much. Andy said specifically, no fuss.

:04:04.:04:08.

Just going to drop in, at the back of the show, just enjoy the gig,

:04:08.:04:12.

just like anyone else would. Not a big thing happening. If you could

:04:12.:04:16.

just, all I'm saying is a pleasure to have you here. Enjoy the show.

:04:16.:04:18.

We obviously when we're talking about the final, keep it light,

:04:18.:04:28.
:04:28.:04:29.

keep it light. Why don't we talk about Bunny

:04:29.:04:35.

Austin. My grandfather used to drive a Bunny Austin. Were you

:04:35.:04:40.

watching? Yeah. It was very, very emotional. I was crying and I

:04:40.:04:44.

didn't really know why I was crying, just everybody with me was crying.

:04:45.:04:53.

It was like we'd been watching Terms of Endearment. Greatest tear

:04:53.:05:01.

jerkers of all time, Terms of Endearment, and Andy Murray trying

:05:01.:05:05.

to congratulate Roger Federer without calling him a bastard.

:05:05.:05:08.

was emotional. What I loved was Ivan Lendl. He's a man, you know,

:05:08.:05:18.
:05:18.:05:18.

he wears his heart on his sleeve, emotion. Here's Ivan Lendl, he's

:05:18.:05:27.

sad. He's happy. He's excited. like the fact that nothing changes.

:05:27.:05:31.

There's a tendency to presume the more natural would be like Gok Wan

:05:31.:05:38.

or something. You go! You're looking great down there. I'm not

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having a go, Andy, I shouldn't start like that! Feel the mood in

:05:44.:05:48.

the room change there. Ivan Lendl I understand is famous for being the

:05:48.:05:53.

best player never to have won Wimbledon. As an appointment to try

:05:53.:06:00.

and win Wimbledon. That's like I'm trying to catch a road runner,

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let's ask Wile E Coyote for answers. If he had been hit on the head by

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an anvil, he would have looked like this.

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If I won Wimbledon, the first thing I'd do is sort the one-way system

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out. APPLAUSE

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I think it's all right to be like. That this is something that Andy

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Murray comes in, a huge criticism about Andy is he's so uncommunetive

:06:32.:06:38.

in post-match interviews. You'd be like that if after work every day

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you'd have to pass somebody going amazing photo copying in the middle

:06:43.:06:47.

of the day, what was going through your mind. They're lucky that they

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don't finish the reports, this is Tim Franks from Wimbledon A&E with

:06:53.:06:59.

a tennis racquet up my arse. The people I saw in the crowd were

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the four Andy Murray supporters who had M-U rryr on their shirts.

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There's four of them. Why did they go for the surname and not the

:07:11.:07:21.
:07:21.:07:21.

first name? The problem really is the fact that British players

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aren't used to those facilities. If those courts were turned into

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claked black Tarmac with weeds growing out of them, we would win a

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lot more turnaments. And if that didn't work, you make sure that

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every fourth ball is flat. Rounds would last longer if the nets all

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dipped by about six inches. middle class couple at the side, I

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think you'll find we're on in five minutes. Give them five balls,

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wherever they're hit, they have to get them. All of a sudden the ball

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boys picked up the wrong tube and you get Pringles. I like when they

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throw the ball into the crowd. And football, they throw their shirt

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into the crowd. I'm off the darts team. Andy was lucky they closed

:08:13.:08:16.

the roof. It wasn't raining, it's just that Sir Cliff Richard was in

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and they didn't want to take any chances.

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APPLAUSE Which unlikely British player won a

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tight thl year? Tim Henman? Bunny Austin? No. Vanessa Feltz.

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This was a guy called Marray, which is interesting because it's only

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one letter away from Murray and that got me worried that maybe it's

:08:43.:08:48.

a vowel thing and Andy's in a queue. He's not going to win until Mr

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Merry, Mirery and MORI have all this theirs in.

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Jonathan Marray one of those two there...

:09:04.:09:13.

LAUGHTER Is... The one applauding in a

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suit... Won the doubles with his partner Frederick Neilsen. You win

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two trophies and a midge it butler? Why was a Preston to London megabus

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stopped on the motorway this week? The usual reasons. This was a story

:09:30.:09:35.

where a passenger reported see something smoke coming out of some

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other passenger's bag, thought it was a bomb. Turned out it was a

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fake cigarette producing water vapour. Let's face it, if you've

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been pulled over, loads of police have arrived, you've got guns in

:09:46.:09:49.

your face, you're being accused of being a terrorist, that's not going

:09:49.:09:58.

to help you give up smoking, is it? They shut the M6, 13 fire engines,

:09:58.:10:03.

four ambulances and an Army bomb disposal truck attended. They

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walked people off with their heads in their hands and made them sit in

:10:06.:10:12.

the mid. Road. Those people on the megabus, that's not the first bad

:10:12.:10:16.

trip they've been on. Some of them on the road were thinking, this is

:10:16.:10:20.

one of the most luxurious part of the journey so far. Nothing against

:10:20.:10:24.

the service itself, you drive a lot on the motorway going to Giggs, the

:10:24.:10:29.

back of the megabus, when you're driving along, if you haven't had

:10:29.:10:37.

the pleasure, you get hypnotised by that weird thing. Why does that man

:10:37.:10:47.
:10:47.:10:49.

I was staring at that man's breasts going... Where can you ge for �1.

:10:49.:10:54.

think you'd have to contact megabus. Plus the 50p booking fee as if

:10:54.:10:59.

people are going to go, well, that's a rip off. I walked in here

:10:59.:11:04.

with this in my hand. I expect to be transported to a far-away land,

:11:04.:11:09.

then I find you want more money off me. Screw you megabus man, yellow

:11:10.:11:19.
:11:20.:11:20.

man with enormous boobs. APPLAUSE

:11:20.:11:25.

I apologise, I know when you're disappointed you don't go "I am

:11:25.:11:29.

disappointed." Megarepresents the top of the list of the decadence of

:11:29.:11:34.

the West. We will bring the west to its knees, middle aged women from

:11:34.:11:40.

the north will no longer be able to go to gnat nays in the West End.

:11:40.:11:44.

Students will not visit their girlfriends in far away towns.

:11:44.:11:48.

you think when they were drap dragged off the bus, they were

:11:48.:11:58.
:11:58.:11:58.

still close enough to use the free WiFi? The only thing irritating

:11:58.:12:02.

about this, people were going wear the hat, wear the hat. They gave me

:12:02.:12:05.

a yellow hat because they think I look like the megabus guy.

:12:05.:12:15.
:12:15.:12:28.

That means that man looks like a penis sausage. They should call it

:12:28.:12:33.

penis sausage.com. You're just bringing this up to make people

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forget you look like a penis sausage. You just look like a penis

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sausage in a yellow hat. APPLAUSE

:12:47.:12:57.
:12:57.:12:58.

Lost ownership of the joke now. Somebody's got another new Avatar.

:12:58.:13:04.

At the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Milton.

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Now, we play a round called 50 shades of mock. This game involves

:13:11.:13:14.

Milton, Andy and Josh. If you could make your way to the performance

:13:14.:13:18.

area, please. This round is our stand-up challenge. I launch the

:13:18.:13:21.

wheel of news, one of the performers must step forward and

:13:21.:13:25.

talk about the subject chosen. The winner is whoever I think is the

:13:25.:13:31.

funniest. Let's spin the wheel. So the -- so the first is money. Andy

:13:31.:13:41.
:13:41.:13:43.

Parsons. So, wonga.com current interest rate 4,214%. They've got

:13:43.:13:47.

some balls, haven't they? People take them up on it. I don't know

:13:47.:13:55.

what happens, do they go oh, look, 4,214% - that seems about right.

:13:55.:14:01.

And why is wonga.com successful? Because the banks aren't lending.

:14:01.:14:05.

Why? That is what banks are supposed to do. Oh, I'm a

:14:05.:14:10.

prostitute, do you shag? No. I just sell pet insurance and break down

:14:10.:14:18.

cover. At the moment, the whole world economy is being propped up

:14:18.:14:23.

by the Chinese. China being run by two men, the Chinese premiere, a

:14:23.:14:28.

man called wen and the President, a man by the name of who. I kid you

:14:28.:14:38.
:14:38.:14:40.

not, China being run by when an who. It's like a skit. Who's the Chinese

:14:40.:14:44.

premiere? No when is the President. Who's the Chinese President? I

:14:44.:14:49.

don't know. No. When has never been the Chinese President.

:14:49.:14:59.
:14:59.:15:06.

OK. Let's spin the wheel again. The next subject is technology.

:15:06.:15:14.

Josh. People say technology is moving forward, but I'm not sure.

:15:14.:15:17.

I'm increasingly finding myself at cashpoints where they can't even be

:15:17.:15:23.

bothered to make the buttons line up with the screen. There is no

:15:23.:15:28.

stress in the world like that. I'm going please God let this be �20,

:15:28.:15:37.

if this is �40 I might as well kill myself. Worse, the screen is angled

:15:37.:15:44.

so that if the sun is on it you leave with a new PIN number and a

:15:44.:15:50.

chequebook in the post. People are going piss off, mate, it's it's not

:15:50.:15:53.

winner stays on! I'm really stressed at the cashpoint, because

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I've already had to stand there for ten seconds, unable to put my card

:15:59.:16:03.

in because it is still thanking the guy who has already pissed off. Who

:16:03.:16:10.

is hanging around for that! I've got my card, my cash, hold on, guys.

:16:10.:16:20.

It is a bloody pleasure doing business with you! APPLAUSE

:16:20.:16:30.
:16:30.:16:34.

That leaves us with Milton. The topic is employment. LAUGHTER

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I used to dream of having a job. Sometimes I go down to the bottle

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bank and stick my arms down the holes and pretend I'm working in a

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nuclear-processing facility. LAUGHTER I lost my job as a prison

:16:51.:16:58.

officer for organising a lock- in. LAUGHTER I only had one job as an

:16:59.:17:03.

architect but apparently a revolving mosque makes it difficult

:17:03.:17:08.

to pray towards Mecca! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE

:17:08.:17:13.

My first day working on a building site I felt sure someone would ask

:17:13.:17:17.

me to get something that didn't exist - like striped paint or

:17:17.:17:21.

something. Sure enough someone asked me to get an air ambulance.

:17:21.:17:31.
:17:31.:17:33.

LAUGHTER Well, I played them at their own

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game. Took my time. I said oh, no, I couldn't seem to find one. You

:17:38.:17:45.

should have seen his face. It was blue. LAUGHTER

:17:45.:17:50.

Years ago of course I used to supply filofaxes for the Mafia. I

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was involvinged in very organised crime. LAUGHTER

:17:52.:18:02.
:18:02.:18:09.

APPLAUSE Thank you very much.

:18:09.:18:19.
:18:19.:18:19.

LAUGHTER Shall I tell you how Ivan Lendl

:18:19.:18:24.

reacted to that joke. APPLAUSE Now we play a game called

:18:24.:18:31.

Picture Of The Week. A topical image and tell me what's happening.

:18:31.:18:38.

What's going on here? Is it Dyson unveils most powerful vacuum

:18:38.:18:44.

cleaner yet? Is tit centrefold of Engineering Porn Monthly? Is it

:18:44.:18:51.

preparation continues for Eric Pickles's colonic irrigation?

:18:51.:18:55.

best contestant ever on Scrap Heap Challenge? Is it that man saying,

:18:55.:19:04.

"Well, if this thing falls on me, at least I've got a hat on."?

:19:04.:19:09.

LAUGHTER Regrettably that's the only printer my computer will

:19:09.:19:17.

recognise. Goal line technology bigger than expected? Is it the

:19:17.:19:20.

fitting of Eamonn home's gastric band?

:19:20.:19:29.

Is it something to do with science? APPLAUSE Touche.

:19:29.:19:35.

Is it the CERN Higgs boson thing? Yes! I will accept that.

:19:35.:19:43.

APPLAUSE Yes it is the CERN Higgs boson

:19:43.:19:48.

thing. Also known as the Large Hadron Collider. This is the news a

:19:48.:19:51.

physicists have declared there is overwhelming evidence they've

:19:51.:19:54.

discovered a new particle that bears all the hallmarks of the

:19:54.:19:57.

Higgs boson. It is considered one of the most important scientific

:19:57.:20:02.

advances of the century. Before I get tow comment on this, bear many

:20:02.:20:07.

mind in the audience tonight we have Professor Higgs, who has come

:20:07.:20:17.
:20:17.:20:18.

all the way from... There she is! APPLAUSE

:20:18.:20:25.

She is an unbelievably shy woman. For many years she has in public

:20:25.:20:31.

only wanted to appear as an old man. Stop pointing the camera at that

:20:31.:20:39.

poor randomly chosen woman. There he is! That's her as we more

:20:39.:20:44.

normally know her. I reckon you have some glasses down there.. You

:20:44.:20:49.

could have a crack at that one as well. I am not doing every face in

:20:49.:20:58.

the show! He is known as Professor Penis Sausage. It is this big! They

:20:58.:21:03.

found the Higgs boson. I cannot look like everything that we

:21:03.:21:10.

discover on this show. LAUGHTER

:21:10.:21:20.
:21:20.:21:22.

APPLAUSE That is Jonathan King! Isn't he an

:21:23.:21:28.

astonishing bloke, the Professor, didn't he also teach Eliza

:21:28.:21:32.

Doolittle to speak properly? lectures at Edinburgh University

:21:32.:21:37.

and until recently he was the Scottish Professor Higgs, but now

:21:37.:21:43.

suddenly he's British. That's one for Andy Murray. It was lovely

:21:43.:21:47.

though, because he didn't expect it to happen in his lifetime. He's 83.

:21:47.:21:53.

He proposed this idea over 40 years ago. It is nice to have a happy

:21:53.:21:58.

story about an 83-year-old travelling to Switzerland. LAUGHTER

:21:58.:22:05.

APPLAUSE If you complete that word at the

:22:05.:22:14.

back of his head it says, "Jedi." APPLAUSE

:22:14.:22:21.

What did he do when he found out? He cried. Everybody cries. It is

:22:21.:22:28.

all tears now, boohoo. Things have gone well, things have gone badly,

:22:28.:22:32.

boohoo. That's why there is no more hosepipe bans. Did he think, I'm

:22:32.:22:37.

going to splash out on a Megabus back to Edinburgh? It's a real

:22:37.:22:41.

shame, this business, they've spent a lot of time and money and that's

:22:41.:22:44.

time and money they could have spent for instance working out how

:22:44.:22:50.

to make slightly less noisy hand driers. I find that incredibly

:22:50.:22:58.

annoying. I love the moment in the show when we really catch the

:22:58.:23:04.

public mood. I can't believe he got a standing ovation at Wimbledon and

:23:04.:23:10.

I came up with my thing about hand driers and nobody did a locking

:23:10.:23:15.

thing! Why is this bad Why is this discovery bad news for Stephen

:23:15.:23:17.

Hawking? This is because he's lost a bet, a

:23:17.:23:21.

$100 bet. He said that they'd never find the Higgs boson particle. But

:23:21.:23:25.

you have to say the person who he's had a bet with, you'd have to be a

:23:25.:23:28.

bit of a bastard to take the money off him wouldn't you?

:23:28.:23:31.

You wouldn't bet Stephen Hawking $100. Surely, if you're going to

:23:31.:23:33.

bet him anything, you'd bet him a go on his chair.

:23:33.:23:36.

We may have gone over the line. We'd better check Hawk-Eye.

:23:36.:23:38.

Stephen Hawk-Eye would be a great thing.

:23:38.:23:42.

# It's out. The ball was out. NEWLINE # It was out #.

:23:42.:23:46.

It was out. It's been out for billions of years.

:23:46.:23:49.

The strange thing about Stephen Hawking is that he's a British

:23:49.:23:54.

person we sort of know as having an American accent. It must be an

:23:54.:23:59.

astonishing thing. He must have a memory of his own voice and yet

:23:59.:24:02.

this thing comes out. Makes me feel terribly sorry for him. At least

:24:02.:24:05.

it's not a Brummie accent. Nobody would have believed him, would

:24:05.:24:07.

they? "I've got a theory, have you seen

:24:07.:24:11.

it? I've got a theory about time. Is it? Off you go then."

:24:11.:24:21.
:24:21.:24:24.

At the end of that round the points go to Miles, Josh and Andy. Now we

:24:24.:24:28.

come to "Scenes We'd Like to See". So if everyone can make their way

:24:28.:24:30.

over to the performance area, please. I'll read out this week's

:24:31.:24:39.

topics and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with. The

:24:39.:24:41.

first subject is: Things you won't hear at the Olympics.

:24:41.:24:44.

Very impressive. Usain Bolt has done a lap of honour and won the

:24:44.:24:50.

400m as well. APPLAUSE So, Daley going for three-and-a-

:24:50.:24:53.

half somersaults with pike, and you have to say the pike doesn't look

:24:53.:25:02.

too happy about it. LAUGHTER Good morning. No surprises here at

:25:02.:25:10.

the final of the archery... LAUGHTER

:25:10.:25:13.

Victoria Pendleton's cycling couldn't be faster at the moment,

:25:13.:25:22.

desperately trying to get away from a horny Boris Johnson. LAUGHTER

:25:22.:25:25.

She was hoping for bronze, but sadly for Sue Barker she is bright

:25:25.:25:31.

orange. LAUGHTER I would like to apologise for my

:25:31.:25:35.

earlier mistake. We are, in fact, watching the javelin, and not as I

:25:35.:25:45.
:25:45.:25:46.

said, dwarf darts. LAUGHTER And all of the sailing golds have

:25:46.:25:49.

gone to the Somali team in exchange for the safe return of Sir Steve

:25:49.:25:57.

Redgrave. APPLAUSE That is the fifth girl to jump off

:25:57.:26:07.
:26:07.:26:07.

the top board and miss the huge pool below. Women divers! LAUGHTER

:26:07.:26:10.

This gymnast has a maximum degree of difficulty. His name is Cherjick,

:26:10.:26:20.
:26:20.:26:22.

Kiddock, Kelick, Flippy, Flipper. LAUGHTER

:26:22.:26:25.

That is the ten-minute free view of the beach volleyball. If you'd like

:26:25.:26:34.

to watch the full version, please enter your PIN now. APPLAUSE

:26:34.:26:37.

And the crowd are on their feet. So much for getting the stadium

:26:37.:26:45.

finished on time. APPLAUSE Well, that really was a spectacular

:26:46.:26:49.

day of weightlifting, but before we go, we've got time to just look

:26:49.:26:53.

over some of the most spectacular anal prolapses we've seen today.

:26:53.:26:59.

LAUGHTER AS COMMENTATOR: Lane one, a family

:26:59.:27:02.

eating popcorn. Lane two, two guys on a stag night. Lane three, I'm in

:27:02.:27:12.
:27:12.:27:13.

the wrong place. This is bowling! And now in the weightlifting, it's

:27:13.:27:16.

the snatch. LAUGHTER She's a big girl, but it's still compulsive

:27:16.:27:24.

viewing. Well, here at Weymouth our gold

:27:24.:27:29.

medal prospect is out. APPLAUSE In the last race he touched a boy and

:27:29.:27:32.

he's been arrested by Social Services.

:27:32.:27:38.

Okay, next topic. "Unlikely Things To Read In A Children's Book".

:27:38.:27:41.

And so the tiger came to tea and then shagged another woman and went

:27:41.:27:50.

back to playing golf. LAUGHTER As soon as Professor Snape saw

:27:50.:27:59.

Hermione, he knew in a few years she would be really hot. APPLAUSE

:27:59.:28:02.

IN A GRUFF VOICE. What's a Gruffalo, said the Gruffalo. It's a buffalo

:28:02.:28:10.

on 40 a day. APPLAUSE These bacon sandwiches are

:28:10.:28:19.

delicious, said Pooh. Aren't they, Piglet? Piglet? LAUGHTER

:28:19.:28:23.

And so 101 dalmatians fell asleep. Hang on, those aren't dalmatians.

:28:24.:28:33.
:28:34.:28:37.

Those are just ordinary white puppies riddled with bullets!

:28:37.:28:40.

APPLAUSE Hello, my name is the very hungry

:28:40.:28:49.

caterpillar. I have an eating disorder. LAUGHTER

:28:49.:28:52.

Unfortunately, Bob the Builder couldn't fist it, because Bobski

:28:52.:29:00.

the Polish Builder had undercut him and done a far better job. LAUGHTER

:29:00.:29:03.

This place is rubbish, said Edmund. Doesn't anybody have sex here? Oh

:29:03.:29:11.

yes, said Aslan. What do you think the griffins are for? LAUGHTER

:29:11.:29:19.

But despite his protests, Mr Tickle was put on the register. LAUGHTER

:29:19.:29:22.

After years of depression and alcoholism, the little girl

:29:22.:29:30.

emigrated. And that is the end of Alice in Sunderland. LAUGHTER

:29:30.:29:40.
:29:40.:29:41.

This is poo corner, explained one of the other captives. LAUGHTER

:29:41.:29:45.

Have you heard about Badger, said Ratty. He's been gassed to stop the

:29:45.:29:54.

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