Episode 6 Mock the Week

This programme contains some strong APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to Mock The Week, the last in the current run. Over

the last few weeks we have been busy celebrating our 100th show,. I

think there has been lots of stuff about banky and the eurozone as

well. Tonight we are taking a look back at some of those.

This is the semi-annual compilation clip show. Hope you enjoy it.

Here is a picture of the Queen, what is she saying here? She is

saying, "So be it, sky walker, now die." Is she saying, "I can see you

looking, Elton, it is my tiara, you cannot borrow it." Tom Jones looks

like he is trying to hypnoties the Queen, either that or he is being

goosed by Sir Paul McCartney. seems to be saying, "Oh, dear, I

seem to be at Madame Tussauds.". she saying, "You do all have the

number tor Dignitas, don'tow?" she saying, "I have major beef with

you, Richard ?" Hang on, is she peter Andre? I trained... Don't

compare me to the Queen! I have major beef with you, Richard, you

put the The Lord's Prayer to Auld Lang Syne and I will cut your face.

It looks like it could be an advert. If you look at Sir Paul McCartney

and Tom Jones, it looks like an advert for Just for Men. It's the

Queen saying, "Go on, pull my finger." Are they saying happy

birthday to her? Grace Jones, she had a hula hoop, singing Slave to

the Rhythm. I thought, am I the only one seeing this? Who booked

grace Jones?! She was not hula hooping, she had been imprisoned by

the elders from crypton. You must be careful.

There was a concert. There was an Ireland football match. I was

looking at the score for loads of Irish people and loads of people

were tweeting, "Nobody cares lash tag Jubilee! Like I walked on to

the stage to say, "K rob, put is sock in it." Was it not strange

that they built that elaborate Gloriana for the Queen, and yet,

was it just me who thought it was weird she was not on it? The only

person on it was Clare Balding. It was like Clare Balding was Queen!

The l The Queen looking like she can handle herself in a pub fight?!

The answer is chickens, nurses and rain. What is the question? Is it

what does Heston Blumenthal put in a trifle? Is it name three things...

APPLAUSE Is it what are the most used sound

effects in the radio drama, Monsoon Poultry Hospital? There's been

another monsoon for the chickens! Where are all the actors Scottish?

Doctor, doctor, I think that the chicken is drowning! Is it all the

things that my gran says is stealing the money when I visit

her? OK, what is the correct answer? Name thee things you will

not find in a chicken nugget! Correct.

Is it what are the opening stage directions in the television dram a

Monsoon Poultry Hospital? Chickens, nurses, rain, a man walks through

the fog! It is a hospital I'm working in now? What was the name

of fog horn, leg horn's controversial early career in porn

film? Sorry, I want to do more chickens and hospitals. Clear,

bark! Clear, bark! We've lost him. That is me finishing off the

chicken. Do doctor, doctor, get my the

baster. There is a graphic going around Twitter, showing how much

Vodaphone evaded taxes as opposed to how much Jimmy Carr evaded...

Avoided not evaded Yes, because he will be making his money back in a

legal claim against Chris Addison. Good luck with that! It will be the

case of the century. It will be this... The most middle-

class law case! Get off! There was a graphic that went around that,

what was it, avoid? Avoidance, yes. There was a graphic going around, I

hope this will be worth it! It's been great so far.

There is nowhere that this can go now.

Maybe you should have evaded the joke, not avoided the joke.

I would love to, but I won't know which is which. Sorry, so, evading

is bad? Evasion is illegal, avoidance is legal, but potentially

morally wrong. So Darth Avoider void was not as

evil as Darth Vader? He was standing back in the scenes, Darth

Avoider void saying that he didn't think we had to blow up the whole

of the planet. Was he like a cuddly bear? I like

the modcons of the Death Star, but not the morality.

Any way, there was a graphic on Twitter... Was it about evasion or

avoidance? Avoision! There's a lot of avoision going on here.

It is like lactose intolerance, a milk avoision! OK... Come on!

Stpifplt -- Come on. Blue Peter is coming on in minute. There was a

graphic showing the amount of tax that Jimmy Carr avoided than

another company, I thought, don't give himed a vice, in six months

time Lille be earning more than the Carphone Warehouse! Now, in terms

of tax avoidance, if there were schemes picked up, film investment

schemes that a lot of people put money into. I myself, and I put all

of my savings into the big budget production of Monsoon Poultry

Hospital! Very wise. You were involved. I play the role

of Morag, the nurse. I think we are going to make a lot

of money it is me and Hugh. Does that say it is written by

Alfred Hitchcock?! It is nice to know where the budget of the show

goes. Do you notice how well I look as a

nurse? Surprisingly fitting! shoulders, a hint of the Readers'

Wives about you there! If you turned up at my bed in a hospital,

I would discharge myself! Listen, I have no doubt you would discharge

yourself! APPLAUSE My favourite Olympic torch story is

this week the Olympic torch is brought on the raft to the slalom

course. What brilliant plan is this. Right, one second later, there is

the Olympic torch! It had to be brought and lit from the mother

flame, which apparently is discreetly held in a miner's lab it

is like a Zippo. It had to be re- lit.

The Olympic Flame has to be lit, kindled by the rays of the sun.

That is in the our strong point. They should have given us a special

dispensation, so everyone should have had a damp flannel and you

wring yours out into the other person's flannel.

APPLAUSE Do you know what... What is weird

about the Olympic torch, though, is it is having a very exciting time.

On a zip wire in Newcastle, sailing, white water rafting. It is like it

has a deal with the Make a Wish Foundation.

It is like, as if it is somebody's stag do, taking the Olympic torch

white water rafting. If it was left in the lap of a lapdanceer... Like

so many of my umbrellas! And the Olympic torch woke up, chained to a

lamppost in Edinburgh! They are missing a trick. It would be better

if they turned to the guy to say, "You know what you have done, you

have cancelled the Olympics! "Shut it down, it is all over now!

Olympic torch has proved popular, hasn't it? Lots of people meeting

the Olympic torch? I think that they think it is actually the sun.

They are not seen it for a while... It is yellow, hot, they are there

going, ahhhh... My favourite week in the endless procession of the

torch is Jill Makinson Sanders, the Mayor of A town called Louth in

Lincolnshire who decided to dress up as a local product of the town

of Lincolnshire, they are apparently famous for its sausages.

Here is how she decided to welcome the torch and she ran alongside the

torch, as a giant penis! Down the streets... It looks like you!

does not look like me?! It is nothing like me! My arms do not

staff above my chin like that. I love that. The 100th programme,

the first time we've been heckled by the audience.

You look like a giant penis sausage. Do you want to do, can you do a

clever director's thing to Scotch the rumours that I look anything

like a 6ft tall penis sausage. There you go.

Nothing like that! APPLAUSE Hold the cards up.

The other hand. Teeth! APPLAUSE

Well, somebody's got a new Twitter avatar! Our next round is News Reel.

We play footage featuring people in the news and ask you to suggest

what is in the clip. This week's clip is David Cameron and William

Hague. Enjoying the Moscow weather,

William Why aren't we in the car? There is one road in, one road out.

After the pasty thing we can't afford a U-turn. I am David Cameron,

the Prime Minister of Great Britain. This is William Hague, the Phil

Mitchell look alike. We are here to meet Vladimir Putin and the other

fella? Yes, well, you say you are the Prime Minister, yet you do not

have a car? We have not come in a car.

Even the Greeks have a car and they are in the shit.

Please, let us in, he is expecting us, show us in, please.

So, this is the inside of the fearsome Kremlin, can't see why it

is frightening, perhaps people have never been to Barnsley.

Lovely to meet you, didn't recognise you with a shirt on, not

riding on the horse. I am David, I am the... Hello...

How do you do... I am David Cameron... No, not one hand-shake.

Well, never mind, David, you only lost a bit of pride, you have not

miss laid your child again. Come to think of it... Never mind. So,

comrade come Ron, the mission is complete. You will travel to

Washington, give President Obama a present he is not expecting.

He has gone mad. Carry on as normal. Don't eat the sushi. Right,

Vladimir Putin, we are pleased to be here in this time for both of

our countries. We wish to foster trade links between the two great

nations. We are uniquely matched in that you have lots of money and we

are happy for you not to pay any tax at all. So, could you translate

that, please? Yes, certainly, he says you are a criminal who rigged

the election and you should rot in jail.

Hmm! I didn't say that, I was talking about trade links. Yes, he

said you dress like a girl and you smeel like a meerkat. Kill him!

was a Preston to London Megabus stopped by the police on the

motorway this week? The usual reasons.

This was the story where a passenger reported seeing some

smoke coming out of some other passenger's bag. Thought it was a

bomb. It turned out it was a fake cigarette, producing a water vapour.

Now, let's face it if you have been pulled over, loads of police arrive,

there are guns in your face, you are accused of being a terrorist,

that is not going to help you give up smoking? When you drive on the

motorway, going to gigs, the back of the Megabus, for those of you

have not had the pleasure, there are times when you are hypnotiesed

by that weird... There are many things, firstly, why does that many

have such large breasts? I have spent hours staring at that man's

breasts! Where can you go for �1? don't know. There is an address

there. I love the way they put there is a

50 pence booking fee. People are going to say, "That is a rip off."

I walked in with this in my hand, expecting to be transported to a

far away land. Then I have to pay you more money. Screw you, Megabus

man. Yellow man with enormous breasts, looking disappointed

behind the counter! APPLAUSE I apologise. I know when you are

disappointed you don't go, "I am disappointed.".

I think that Megabus represents the top of the list of decadence for

the West We with wail bring the West to its knees. Middle-aged

women will no longer go to the cinema in the West End. Students

cannot visit girlfriends in far away towns.

In my ear, people are saying, "Wear the hat, wear the hat." They think

that I look like the megaman in it! APPLAUSE

That means that that man looks like a penis sausage! They should called

it penissausage.com. You are trying to do this to make

us look like you -- think you don't look like a penis sausage. Now you

look like a penis sausage in a yellow hat! No! I have lost

ownership of the joke now! Somebody's got another new Twitter

avatar! Am I a little bit shiny? other news... That's that done.

Was there anything else to do? There is no point in avoiding tax

when heroining it is that easy! APPLAUSE

They could have dropped that into the show.

You were suddenly, randomly drunk! I don't need it! I'm just like the

chase, I'm just enjoying the chase. Thank you very much.

Who are you talking to? Well, let's be honest, we've all been

wondering?! And Wayne Rooney is... And Wayne Rooney has been in...

Shut up! Nice to hear that the applause ended before you sit down,

so you sit down in complete silence it was good, but not that good.

So, what's been happening in the year, 2012? Tell me how good it

was? I don't have to tell you fucking anything! Oh, no, that is

the wrong category. The RSPCA told farmers to move

their cattle to higher ground... When you said that I couldn't get

rid of the image of a farmer going # Take me to higher ground. #

APPLAUSE I was not expecting you to dance in

the middle. That is more of that, isn't it?

# Take me to higher ground. # a strange time to be doing a

language tape? I don't know, but he is very angry about his gas fire.

Is he, or is it known that 1 million Brits go to work on drugs

and as many firms as one in seven are testing. So, if you look around

this panel, I must be honest, my money is on Milton! The next topic

is... The next topic is... Pit the book away! Bloody penis sausage!

the 1980s in Manchester there was a huge pigeon problem, not huge

pigeons, that would have been awful. Argh! Sorry! I've lost my ear

piece! Something has just come out of his penis.

My penis sausage! Quite literally ejaculated into my ear piece.

Sausage penis head. # Take me to higher... #

# One singular sensation. # Obviously, when we are about to

discuss this, I ask you to temper the comments, the jokes and the

observations with the fact that Andy Murray, the run-up in the

British men's singles finals is actually out there in the audience

at the moment! A big applause for Andy Murray! APPLAUSE

Thank you very much. Andy, specifically said no fuss!

Yeah, no fuss. Just dropping into the back of the show to enjoy the

gig like anyone else. No big thing happen happening. So,

all I am saying, it's a pleasure to have you hear. When you are talking

about the final, keep it light. There he is! You have some glasses

down there, you can have a crack at that one as well.

I am not doing every face that we do on this show! Yes, Professor

Peter Higgs, I'm not. I'm not going to do this. I can't look like

everything that we discover on the show.

He looks like... APPLAUSE OK. Here we go. The first subject

is Things You Didn't Hear at the Queen's Jubilee.

A sea of red, white and blue as thousands of hyperactive children

vomit up the icing from the Jubilee weekend! You can't help thinking

that nationalism may have gone a little too far. The flotilla is

anchored off France, ready to invade Calais.

We hear recently that the Queen's dogs have done a complete overhaul

of the palace plumbing system. Mersefully, they are Corgi

registered! Come in number 46, your time is up.

And now is our chance to join in lustily with the sec verse of the

National Anthem. # The Queen... # (mumbles) Yes, so,

if I say I have a bladder infection, will it work? Excellent. I can't

stand Gary Barlow! Harry, when I told you to put on your uniform, I

didn't mean that one! And it's amazing to think, isn't it, she is

86 years old. Please, give it up one more time, Annie Lennox!

this is a real Jubilee mug, a man who has paid �25 for a Jubilee mug!

Awful scenes before the concert, a rather embarrassing fat man has

jumped on to the stage. He is pulling faces and mouthing to

Robbie Williams's records... Oh,... And the Queen places the diamond in

the stand, lighting the final Jubilee beacon. Now she terns the

crystal dome and tries to collect as many golden coupons as she can...

The boat is spread out over the vast space of the Thames, like

thoughts in Fern Cotton's head. There she is, Her Majesty the Queen,

where else can you see an 86-year- old, standing for hours, just

waiting to be seen? Well, any NHS hospital!

The next topic is, Unlike Lines from a Thriller.

One more, or what more evidence is there that you need that there is a

mole? Look at the lawn! Your wife's head in a box, you must be the most

unlucky contestant ever, on Deal Or No Deal.

What colour wire do I have to cut? The lilac, the mauve, the salmon

pink or the fuchsia?! I want to make you a vodka martini. You can't

handle vermouth. Is that a gun in your pocket or are

you just pleased to see me? She purred. Yes, it is a gun in my

pocket, I have just shot my cock off.

I'm telling you, there will be no attack. This is a side picked by

Roy Hodgson. So, Mr Bond, we meet... Argh!

Flipping hell! I'm telling you, captain, I work best alone, or