Episode 7 Mock the Week

This programme contains some strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Dara

O'Briain and joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Andi Osho, Alun

Cochrane, Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Stewart Francis.

CHEERING We start with a round called This

is the answer, what is the question? On the board are six

categories. Andi, which category would you like? Sport, please.

answer is 11 days, what's the question? Is it how many days has

it taken Madame Tussaud's to melt down their Pavarotti waxwork?

AUDIENCE GROANS He was a big man! This is a big

opera crowd. Is it how long did I have to spend at the hotel pool

this summer before I saw a lady who wasn't reading Fifty Shades Of

Grey? Is it how much of the last month does Prince Harry remember?

LAUGHTER Is it when are G4S's security staff going to turn up at

the Olympic Park? Is it who was at Darren Day's family reunion? Is it

what reaction time is definitely too slow for a fighter pilot?

APPLAUSE Is it how long's just right for a holiday? APPLAUSE

Because 14 days is too long isn't it. But if you go for two weeks,

you spend the last two days going, "It's too long isn't it?" Is it how

long have I had this pesky erection, ladies? How long did it take before

the Essex lion got a vajazzle? it how long does it take to watch

12 series of 24? Because they're slightly shorter for the adverts,

you see. When you watch the show, is that why your holidays feel

slightly too long? Is it according to his tax return how many days

work did Jimmy Carr do last year? APPLAUSE Hey Jimmy, we're all there

for you. How long should you cook a mammoth... LAUGHTER... In a

category D oven? Is it how long, now that he's not famous, does it

take Craig David to woo a girl? APPLAUSE

Does anyone have the correct answer? It's very straightforward.

Is it how long does the Paralympics last for? Very good. APPLAUSE Yes.

The question I was looking for was how many days of sporting action

are there in these record-breaking London Paralympic Games. The London

Paralympics look set to be the most successful ever, TV viewers are in

their millions and tickets are selling out within mints of being

released. But watch the Paralympics? The opening ceremony,

I loved that. Ian McKellen on stage. I did think it was bit of a risk

book Magneto when there were so many wheelchairs around. I saw the

wheelchairs flying in the air and I thought, he's up to his old tricks

again. I saw Stephen Hawking there as well and I wondered fit was him

or Professor X in surprise and Stratford would be reduced to what

it looked like seven years ago. Was it just me or was Hawking sin.Ing?

There is an issue of tone here. You've got to come with us some of

the way and then let the Daily Mail decide. One of the most astonishing

things is people are saying, this is incredible, this is really good

sport. Of course it is. These are elite athletes. Not not a charity

day out for these people. These are highly competitive people. You

think it is competitive in the field, shoe see it in the athletes'

village where they are fighting for the disabled car parking space!

watching it and loving it and it is fantastic, but I'm finding the

classifications a bit confusing. Until last weekend for me an F42

was a fighter plane or a night bus to Brent Cross shopping centre.

did you go to a shopping centre at night? The thing about the

classification, it is confusing, and they start from quite severe

disabilities all the way up to the minor stuff. I think they should

give some able bodied stuff, a really forgetful gymnast who forgot

the review Toon and went ta-da! They never go, "Ta-da!" They should.

I've been thinking about. This I would like to see some cheating in

the Paralympics. In the Olympics cheating is boring, it is doping.

But in the Paralympics there is so much scope in cheating, really

Wacky Races stuff. I would like to see somebody win by coming from

behind with a chin that shoots out on a stick. Amazing. A wheelchair

with a fly wheel inside of it, like a wind-up car, so that one of the

people suspiciously is backed into his starting bay and then shoots

out. APPLAUSE Wait a minute. Of all the events that have been fantastic,

the wheelchair basketball, this is a Jen wine, this is a sport that

these are the best people at the world at, but it is properly brutal.

If for no other reason you knock somebody over, the rest of the team

just leaves. There's a guy like, "He's gone, he's dead to us, leave

him" They just spring back up. I've never seen anybody do anything

quite like it. Where you do see somebody in a wheelchair falling

over and everybody goes, "No, leave him." You say, that but I live in

London. True. My favourite event is the blind running. When they run

with a guide. That is fantastic isn't it? You are thinking,

obviously what happens the people who can see have the tell the

runner who can't see, to tell them when to overtake. What happens 2010

blind runner is full of running and the guide is knackered? No need to

overtake just yet, no, you're doing fine. In fact we are in the lead!

LAUGHTER I'm sorry. We came fifth. Those guides, I saw Libby leg, a

visually impaired runner, she runs with a black guide. Not all of them

run with guides, so it feels like an unfair advantage. She's

basically being dragged round by Usain Bolt. Somebody said they are

being pulled by faster runners. You don't see eight blind people being

dragged over the line. Horse racing, that's clearly cheating, because

the jockeys have massive horses underneath. My favourite bit of

commentary was an interview in the proper Olympics, with a guy called

Ross Murray I think, a British runner who had not qualified for

the semifinals of the 1,500 metres. He was a protege of Steve Cram. He

came 6th in his race. The guy said, what went wrong, and Ross, from the

North East, said, "To be honest it was lot harder for me out there

than it was for the Ethiopians and the Kenyans, because they've been

hard at it for four years and to be honest I've been hard at it since

January after two years on the lash." LAUGHTER

I never watch any of the sports and think, I can do that. One of the

few depressing aspects of Olympics constantly watching sports and

inevitably comparing yourself to the athletes. This is hopeless. I'm

sight at home watching Usain Bolt run 100m in under 10 seconds. My

personal best at the 100m is 80 metres. LAUGHTER

I think that depression of what they achieve is even worse for the

Paralympics, because they conquer so many different challenges and I

watch it and it brings me down. I think I once didn't go running

because he a sore finger. Did you watch any of the canoeing? I love

the canoeing. My favourite bit of it, there was a double kayak pair,

British pair, called Florence and Hounslow. I thought that is the

most unlikely town twinning in history. APPLAUSE

We have the gallery, we have works by Leonardo da Vinci and

Michelangelo, and you? We have a very large branch of Staples.

That round goes to Chris and Stewart! APPLAUSE Now we play a

round called Oscar Pissedoffius. This game involves Stewart, Andy

and Andi. This round is a stand-up challenge. Where it chooses to stop,

our performers have to step forward and talk about the subject. The

first subject is: The police.

Andy Parsons. Police you say? Oh. LAUGHTER I thought it was going

to be bondage. LAUGHTER The police. Often into bondage

aren't they? The police, they have done away with annual fitness tests.

Apparently the only people who are going to get fitness tests are

marksmen and women and dog handlers. Thur thinking, surely they are the

only people who don't need to be fit. They never need to chase a

suspect do they? They can either shoot them or set the bloody dog on

'em! Also the police have been keeping our DNA for 12 years. Even

when we've been innocent, and they were quoting statistics from the

Jill Dando Institute for Crime Science. I have a few problems with

the Jill Dando Institute for Crime Science, not least because they've

yet to find the killer of Jill Dando. APPLAUSE

That to me would be like having the Lord Lucan missing person's

helpline. Thank you very much Andy Parsons APPLAUSE The next subject

is dating. Andi Osho. Yes. Well, I think that dating and technology do

not go together. This is a true story, it was in the Metro, society

must be true. A brother and sister who were separated as children met

each other again through a dating website. They only found out three

weeks into dating. It was reported as a good news story, the woman was,

"Oh, my God, we've got so much in common" and I was thinking, yeah,

like your DNA. You don't wand to find out like this, "Oh, my God, my

brother had a mole on his dick. What did you say your surname was?"

There are some good things about technology and dating. There is an

app, Grindr, which gay guys are using. It tells them however they

are from another available gay man. I was telling a friend this and he

was like, so it is like a tracker? You are not hunting gay men. It is

not that. And the guys have to be registered on the website. You

can't go up to someone and go... You are fabulous. But I downloaded

Grindr on to my phone. As soon as I fired it up there were 70

registered guys within 10 metres of me. You know that scene in Aliens

when they are surrounded by aliens. 10 metres, that's in the room. You

can't be reading it right. I am reading it right. I'm not saying

shoot gay men. There's a film called Aliens! APPLAUSE Thank you

Andi Osho. That leaves us with Stewart. The

topic is family. I'm homesick. Does my wife think

I'm a control freak? I haven't The other night there at a party my

wife got drunk and told everyone she invented the echo. I said

listen to yourself. I am not thrilled that my wife's into

bondage, but my hands are tied. Pretty woman. I call her doll face

because she's so pretty and shy's missing an eye -- she's missing an

eye. We were both on bumper cars when I

first caught my waoeu's eye. -- wife's eye. Now we actually met at

a sushi restaurant and last week we went back for old time's sake.

Actually I don't think it's pronounced that way. Thank you very

much, Stewart Francis. The points go to Andy and Andi. Come back down.

Now we play a round called Picture of the Week. I show the panel a

topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening. Teams, why was

this man in the news recently? It's what happened in Vegas, not

staying in Vegas. Very much so, yeah. Why is that. Because he was

playing strip billiards and we all found out. LAUGHTER. Yes. It's high

jinks. It's just Harry, he takes after his dad, whoever that is.

APPLAUSE. Should they have printed the

pictures? It was a weird moment for newspapers when the Sun printed the

picture saying, sheer the picture you have all seen already. It's

like the opposite of news. Royals haven't actually complained

after they printed the picture, I guess they're thinking, well, if he

is naked, at least he is not wearing a Nazi uniform. I did think

strip billiards sounded a bit... It's hard enough dating as it is,

if you are waiting for a girl who understands the rules of billiards

you are going to die alone. sounds so posh as well. Were they

done with playing spin the pauper? People were saying he was a

gentleman because he had his hands over the breasts of the woman. You

are thinking, obviously the definition of gentleman has changed

since I was growing up. It's nonsense, oh he is being a normal

soldier. Yes, like all those other soldiers with their $900 a night

private bungalows in a mansion. It's bullshit. Oerbg, they're just

like us, they're not just like us, you have never accidentally ended

up in a part of your house you have never been in before. They're not

like us. The kitchen. APPLAUSE. 1970s joke! The troops in

Afghanistan they've all come out in support by taking photos of

themselves stripped completely naked. It's basically Carry On Up

The Khyber all over again. These photos are actually taken before

the Harry thing, this is just down to Government cutbacks. They're

doing it in support of Harry, they're not. They're taunting him.

They're stripping naked in the Afghan Afghan sun going, try it

over here, ginger lad. Two minutes naked out there he would look like

a Babybel. Yes, there are websites of squaddies and families who have

supported Prince Harry and decided - not saying, I am not much of a

royalist, but I still still think there is an important principle

here that if a man wants to be naked at a party, we should support

that as much as we can. That's why I published this particular

photograph. APPLAUSE.

You have an All Blacks tattoo there. Yes, it is actually. I. --. I

briefly played for the All Blacks before I was poorly doctored. You

think my tattoos are bad, you should see Andy's tattoos, they're

terrible. He really has... Hugh, we are not saying, but you were doing

it amidst foliage, which was discreet. A growing sense of

inevitability. Chris must now realise that his is possibly the

most erotic. That is real. That's confirmed many people's suspicions

that if you see me naked there is a pussy. Whose famous face was

recently given a makeover? Is this the Jesus story. This Spanish woman

tried to restore this painting and just ruined it. Yeah, it was in...

It was in Spain. Where the Spanish ladies are!

Yes. And they do dance well. It was in

Zaragoza. The Sanctuary of Mercy Church in Zaragoza. The authorities

are cross with her, because the only people allowed to touch up in

a Catholic Church are the priest. It was a Church in Zaragoza and

there is a century-old... LAUGHTER. You really brought Spain to life

for us there. You have to make an effort with foreign names. Do it

again. Zaragoza. Zaragoza... Wanker. APPLAUSE. The Spanish accent goes

Mexican incredibly quickly. A Church in Zaragoza. The fresco was

incredibly beautiful, they call it... There was a fresco in a

Church in Zaragoza. LAUGHTER. is the fresco? In a Church in

Zaragoza. Zaragoza. Zaragoza. was 100 years old. A whole 100

years old? What a story this is. LAUGHTER. Somebody has touched up

an 100-year-old painting. It's a sleepy town. It's much more the

case that it was decaying because of where it had been painted. This

is how the fresco looked originally. This is actually a photograph taken

some years ago. It's a fresco painted by Elisa Garcia Martinez.

LAUGHTER. Do it. This is thousand looked just recently because the

plaster had decayed. This is thousand looked now. A nice old

lady, repainted it. And this is thousand looked when she finished.

LAUGHTER She did a great job of it. Here's

one I sent in earlier! Old lady, Zaragoza. I am sorry,

people of Zaragoza, we cannot return your painting. Thank you

very much for sending it in to the gallery. Because they painted it on

the wall in a Church. It actually made Jesus look like a Teletubby.

She also rounded it off as well. She thought she had done a really

good job, because everyone she showed it to went, Jesus Christ!

APPLAUSE . To Be fair we don't know what

Jesus looked like. Hello, hello! I missing in the bible where Jesus

comes in after a botched face job and at the last supper everyone

says, have you had any work done? No, no. She's actually seeing the

restorer next week because she has to tell the restorer exactly what

materials she used and you are thinking all she's going to produce

is half a potato. The irony is, she's probably older than the

fucking fresco. APPLAUSE. At the end of that round the points

go to Chris, Hugh and Stewart. Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To

See. I had read out this week's topics and we will see what our

panellists can come up with. Here we go. The first subject is:

Rejected questions from this year's exams.

If sign A over A equals sign B over B equals sign C over C, what are

the chances that you are ever going to use this in your sodding adult

life? APPLAUSE. According to Germany how much is

Greece worth? One mark. APPLAUSE exam board of Zaragoza. Paint Jesus.

Jonathan is a Nigerian Prince, what are your credit card details?

Three girls in this hall are pregnant. Who is the daddy? Compare

the following. A, the market. B, the meerkat. Heat the crystals

until they produce a vapour. Inhale. The exam seems easier now, doesn't

Without swearing, describe Peter Andre. Mental arithmetic. Count up

the voices in your head. Using the paper provided, roll a joint and

pass it round. Does this look infected? In the

recent Olympics Great Britain won three times as many gold medals as

Australia. That's not a question, just a statement. One Direction are

incredibly popular. Explain. Sport, how do you spell AKABUSI. Is it A-

KAB-OO-C. Yes or no. If Steve eats two apples and a banana, why is he

such a fat fucker? Next topic: Things you didn't hear at the

Olympics. That's another gold medal for Ireland. APPLAUSE AND BOOING.

One thing I grew tired of was the Canadian national anthem. There's

Prince Harry in the crowd, I would recognise those buttocks. What an

opening Germany, James Bondy, Harry Potter, Mary Poppins, showing the

world that the greatest Britons are fictional.

Sweltering conditions here at the ladies beach volley tkas ball final.

But still those four blokes in the front row haven't taken their coats

off. Ta-da! That's the starting pistol.

They're running. They've finished. To be honest, I usually do the

snooker. Welcome to Greco Roman wrestling

where a man from Greece and a man from Italy wrestle each other for

the one euro coin they found on the floor.

Clare Balding there, but very slowly, and she's still got more