Christmas Special Mock the Week

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

# Read all about it!

# News of the World!

# Read all about it

# News of the World! #

APPLAUSE

Hello everyone and Merry Christmas.

I'm Dara O Briain, and you're watching our traditional

end of year special.

As you know, we love to take a look back

at some of our favourite moments, out-takes and unseen clips

from the year gone by. In fact let's be honest,

we like to do this several times a year, as it's relatively easy

to knock one of these things up and that means we get Christmas off.

So sit back, enjoy it, and have a wonderful Christmas.

I'm probably on a yacht.

LAUGHTER

So teams, what is going on here?

Have they revealed the new title sequence to Dad's Army?

LAUGHTER

Are you sure it's not the new easyJet route

from London to Glasgow?

Is this the carbon footprint of a Fair Trade grape?

LAUGHTER

Is it in fact the school run for Angelina and Brad?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Is it the new route for stacking over Heathrow?

Is it places easyJet consider as London?

LAUGHTER

Does anyone know what the correct answer is?

Is this an American estimating where Europe is?

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER Somewhere...

It's the route that Edward Snowden is attempting to take

to avoid US justice.

That's absolutely right, thank you very much, Josh, yes.

How did you know that? I read the news.

This is the escape route that whistle-blower Edward Snowden

planned to take after he left the United States.

Snowden first flew from his home in Hawaii to Hong Kong,

where he leaked secrets before escaping to Moscow.

He was then due to fly on to Ecuador via Havana, but at the time of

this recording, he is still in the transit area of Moscow Airport.

Mentally, you should all be transported to a man sitting on one

of those blue chairs, "Bing bong!" IMITATES RUSSIAN ANNOUNCEMENT

"Havana. Bing bong!"

And he's sitting there, just, you know...

It's just him and a load of people in trench coats and Trilbies

with newspapers with eye holes cut out!

LAUGHTER

"Bing bong!" "Bing bong", yeah!

They don't know, they're kind of struggling to catch him as he comes off the plane.

I've got a plan. Have they tried standing there with a board

with "Edward Snowden" written on it, just standing there?

He said he was relieved to land in Moscow.

But then he was flying Aeroflot,

so I should imagine everybody was relieved to land in Moscow!

Aah, poor old Aeroflot.

I flew, no, I flew Aeroflot once from...

when I was a student I flew Aeroflot from Beijing to Moscow

and I sat next to a bloke who had a mole and he had a hair growing

out of his mole which was brushing against my face!

AUDIENCE GROAN

There were loads of journalists.

The flight that he was supposed to take, anyone know what seat he was in?

17A. Yes, it was. That's Aeroflot seat 17A.

He's supposed to be there.

Did he sit next to a man with a massive mole

and a hair growing out of it? No, in fact, he is the massive mole!

Oh, OK.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you!

I'm hoping... I'm hoping that at some stage they'll release

a statement going. "Where is he? He's where he's always been, he's in our hearts."

LAUGHTER

He was more like... because he crosses the world all the time,

nobody's ever seen him, he's there, like, whatever,

and anything you write, any letter you write, he gets to read.

He's Santa Claus!

LAUGHTER

Should we all be leaving mince pies out for him?

Is that how we catch him?

We'll trap him in the end with just a little glass of sherry,

a carrot and two mince pies!

"Oh, Mummy, Mummy, Mummy! Look, Edward Snowden's been here tonight!

"The carrot is half-eaten!"

"All my e-mails have been read!"

What caused chaos and destruction in a flat in Henley on Thames this week?

Boris Johnson.

Is this an exploding jar of chutney? Yes.

Some lady's fridge door got blown off,

so obviously the Women's Institute, they're now worried that

they're going to get labelled as a terrorist organisation.

Are they going to have to start to bring bomb disposal squads?

It's going to be the sequel to the Hurt Locker.

It's just going to be a robot approaching a fridge

with a ploughman's lunch that's not quite complete.

I know. Her husband said, "Well it's nice to see something in this house

"got blown off this week!"

GROANING

Come on! Come on!

Really, Ed? Really, Ed?

One track...

You normally bring the political stuff, what's going on?!

Are you backed-up?

Tubes need a clear-out?

Two kids under three, what else can I say?

LAUGHTER

If it blows your fridge door off,

imagine what it would have done if you'd actually eaten it.

All I'm saying is, if you'd belched,

you could have said goodbye to your false teeth. Right?

Is there a guy who's eaten it who they've had to cordon off?

He could blow at any minute! And they're just going to go, yeah, I'm sorry, we're...

"Don't tickle him, don't tickle him!"

She said she got it from a friend, and you're thinking,

"Well, who was her friend? Was it Abu Qatada?"

Are we not going to be able to take chutney on planes now?

It's not that I always have to travel with a jar of chutney,

but, you know, just the sort of thing...

"I brought my own, thank you very much, you're very kind."

It was a home-made chutney, it's a dreadful present.

I hate that when they go, "Oh, Merry Christmas,

"I made you a jar of chutney." You go, "I got you a digital radio!"

Do you know what annoys me?

It always comes in a jar that used to contain proper chutney!

I can see you've had better chutney than me!

I might as well go, "Merry Christmas, I got you the Lord of the Rings box set!

"Well, I say that, I've removed the DVDs and kept them for myself

"and then made a home video of what I imagine the film would be like."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Could save a lot of money for older folk, this, though.

Can't save the airfare for Switzerland? Buy some rhubarbs!

Some rhubarbs with an "s"?

Yeah, well you need more than one rhubarb

to make rhubarb chutney, Hugh.

Maybe this is where your rhubarb chutney's been going wrong all these years.

I'm sure it's rhubarb. I think rhubarb is a collective noun, isn't it?

I think it doesn't have a plural with an "s".

LAUGHTER

What has gone up in one Kent town a tiny bit earlier than expected?

Well...

This is a Christmas thing, innit? Christmas lights.

It's a Christmas thing, yes. Yeah. Yeah, Christmas.

Yeah. What is it that's gone up?

Christmas lights, Christmas lights have gone up. Best conversation ever!

Christmas lights have gone up in a town,

do you know what the town is called? Tenterden. Tenterden in Kent, yes.

That's why you said "in what Kentish town?" That was the clue there,

I knew it was in Kent because you said it's a Kentish town. Yes.

Well, it's Christmas all year in Kent,

because nobody works and everyone's wasted!

LAUGHTER

We're discussing, as you know, we're discussing this in September,

when we record this, so basically we're mocking

the people of Tenterden for putting their Christmas lights up

in September, while we record an item about it

for the December show in September as well.

So frankly, it's a little bit ironic at least

and slightly hypocritical of us to be giving out to them.

I had an absolute nightmare last Christmas.

I'm not looking forward to it this year.

Basically, first Christmas at my in-laws,

and I ate what I thought was a bowl of vegetable crisps. Pot pourri.

Yeah. Too polite to say no,

had a mouthful of it, absolutely disgusting.

But hey, you smelt lovely!

Did they actually offer you the pot pourri?

No, but they were in the middle of the buffet!

Like, that's like, "Oh, that smells nice."

And forgot to move it and I had a... I had the awful shits,

but it smelt amazing.

What did it actually taste like? Does it taste... It just tastes like a garden.

LAUGHTER

I know this is a bit unpleasant, what did your poo smell of?

Well, it was a bit... well, mainly shit.

Mainly normal poo. You're never going to get away from that.

That's a given really, isn't it?

I mean it was mainly poo, but there was like, it felt like,

you know like an air freshener that's on its way out?

And there weren't one in the toilet, but it felt like I'd made one.

It does seem like it fought the good fight then, the pot pourri, didn't it?

It helped me out in the long run, but at the start,

it was a bit heavy going.

Merry Christmas, everyone! Yeah!

GROANING AND APPLAUSE

In other news, why might this be affecting children?

The story is that there's concern that Lego mini figures

are becoming angrier.

Or they're looking angrier, right?

Of course they're... of course they're angry,

of course Lego figures are angry.

They're all alcoholics, it's all this with them...

LAUGHTER

No, it's a... the report was that over the years Lego toys

have become more realistic and included more unhappy faces.

It's been studied by the Department of Too Much Time On Their Hands,

in the University of Why Don't Other Scientists Take Me Seriously?

That apparently Lego figures have become more, you know,

they've expressed more... and a lot of it is due to the fact that

like now Lego have a lot of kind of links in characters, like the Hulk.

It doesn't work if you have a Hulk Lego figure going,

"I am the Hulk," with a benign face.

"Don't make me placid, you wouldn't like me when I'm placid!"

There could be many more Lego faces that would be more appropriate,

because you could have lots of happy ones, you could have miserable ones.

You could have some Lego men that look quite paranoid, as if

perhaps they wondered as if they were being controlled by giants.

LAUGHTER

I mean, yesterday I was a fireman and today I seem...

I seem to be on a boat! What's...?

Really, honestly, you know, there's no job consistency here!

You train for one thing, you'll end up doing anything in Legoland!

It's the modern life, isn't it? It is. You don't have a trade for life any more.

Yes! We're all Lego men now, Dara, we're all Lego men now.

Listen, we are all Lego men, this is what we would look like...

LAUGHTER

OK, three of us look ridiculous

and Andy looks like Lego Colombian drug dealer!

LAUGHTER

Well, Hugh looks like George Michael!

Yes. That's... exactly.

That image is exactly what I think of when I'm trying to delay orgasm.

LAUGHTER

Oh, I wish I could agree!

You reacted like that was unfair!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Our next round is called Newsreel.

We play in a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news

and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.

This week's clip features the Prince of Wales.

Urr, good morning. Have you escaped from the top of a Christmas tree?

Anyway, we're just picking up a few of the last Christmas items,

so tell me, w-what is this stuff?

Well, it's bread, innit?

Is it? Yes, I get mine pre-sliced by the valet.

I've never seen it in its natural... So what do you do to that?

Well you chop it, don't you? There.

Yes, I think I'll stick to Dairylea Lunchables. Yes.

Anyway, lovely work there.

Come on, Camilla, they're got a two-for-one on Andrex super-soft,

so let's... Oh, God.

Oh God, Camilla's been distracted by the pork again, not the first time!

LAUGHTER

So, is that cheese? Is it cheese?

No, it's not, no.

Oh, well. Oh, lovely, what is it? Is that a Margarita?

I love a Margarita, she was Queen of the Netherlands, you know.

Yes. I'll get it down. I'm drinking a lot at the moment,

to take my mind off the fact that I'm not King.

LAUGHTER

So, yes, what is that? What exactly is that...? Oh, that's salad dressing.

Salad dressing? Don't be ridiculous, it's a Margarita.

What do you mean, salad dressing?

No, I'm sure it is... look, I've got the worm at the bottom there, yes.

Anyway, it's lovely. That puts hairs on your chest.

Yes, I love that.

How much is... I tell you what, I'll, I'll um, er, yeah,

I'll, erm, er... I'll take a crate, that's what I'll do, yes.

Hello, Your Royal Highness, would you be interest in trying

some of this beautiful Turkish Delight, for you?

DEEP, GRAVELLY VOICE: Oh, yes, that would be lovely. Thank you.

I... oh, that takes me back, yes.

Istanbul 1978.

Samir, his name was. Lovely deep brown eyes, muscular arms.

Held me tight, a wonderful, wonderful singing voice.

Do you mind, could you put a few more sugars in there?

It's a bit bland. 11, 12... that's lovely.

And do you, do you have a stirrer?

I've left mine at home. Gerald, his name is.

LAUGHTER

What might put you off eating chocolate?

Seeing me naked.

Yeah.

It was... it was this chocolate bar that had this sad face.

A chocolate bar with a sad face, why would that...

that can't possibly be the case.

Let's have a look at the chocolate bar apparently with a sad face.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

Oh, come on! It's great!

Somebody opened a chocolate bar, it was already so conflicted,

they were eating it upside down, and then this little face

stares at them, like a... like a re-incarnated fat person

who ironically has become a chocolate bar!

Do you know, do you realise we eat things with actual faces all the time?

I know! Do you know what disturbs me about this?

If they've got a face, then that's the top half,

and it means for years I've been eating chocolate bottoms.

Well, whatever it is, he looks like he needs a Boost!

GROANING

You're stopping that right now.

Literally, I will shut the whole thing down

if you get any more of these puns.

If you want to see a sad chocolatey face,

you should go round Eric Pickles' house when the Nutella's run out.

Further down, he's got a Curly Wurly.

I tell you what, once I had a chocolate bar at Christmas.

LAUGHTER

Merry Christmas, everybody! Merry Christmas from Mock The Week.

Yeah.

What did Tesco supermarket withdraw from sale recently?

A doll of a gay best friend.

Yes, it was a doll of a gay best friend.

So, there it is. I mean, it's not particularly realistic.

It's a third party seller, so this is the problem

with their website open to third party sellers, but it was removed.

The description of the product...

"If Sex and the City and Will and Grace have taught us anything,

"it's that gay best friends are in this season."

It said though, didn't it, it said it loves shopping,

loves dancing and it will tell you how big your bum is.

This, incidentally, is...

Oh, there we go. Dara's got a best friend, everybody!

Finally, finally. Why can't I find a fella?

I know, I know, I know. You're the same.

Oh. Shall we just sit in and watch DVDs together?

It's not offensive, is it, really, in any sense?

I mean, I don't think.. I think the gay community, right,

they'll be less offended that it's a gay best friend, right?

They'll be more offended that any gay person might dress that badly, wouldn't it?

Yes.

Look at that! Are those boots in right now?

I think you ought to look at the hair on the back of his head.

That is the weirdest thing.

LAUGHTER

It's his hairy ears I'm particularly impressed by.

I have never known a gay... I mean these are people

who will, like, wax, back, sack, crack, the whole thing, right?

Not ears! But the ears, the ears?!

I didn't know there was like a thing in the gay community, the... Yes?

While we're drawing attention to things that are not realistic

about it, I think it's too small.

LAUGHTER

That's... and please, don't use my head as a sense of scale!

LAUGHTER

We know that can be confusing.

At the moment, the gay best friend thinks that Ray Winstone

is going to give him some odds!

LAUGHTER

AS WINSTONE: "Bet in play. Bet in play for inflatable gay man!

"Odds will change all the time!"

So did you... you managed to buy one before it was removed from sale?

Is that how you...?

Yes, I bought one, then complained so that no-one else can have one.

LAUGHTER

This is my best friend and not yours. What's that?

I know, I know, I know, such a bitch!

LAUGHTER

Exciting topical news moment here.

Why might men not need scissors or Sellotape this Christmas?

Because they're married! And their wives do the wrapping.

I was going to say, I was going to say that it's because you

couldn't get circumcision on the NHS and people...

It's to do with Man Wrap, it's to help men, supposedly,

who can't afford or find wrapping paper, easier to wrap stuff.

But it's essentially tinfoil.

This is Man Wrap and it's supposed to save you...

hang on, I'd better do it so it actually works, right.

We'll take a standard, yeah, like a rectangular shape like this,

and the idea is that you just wrap it around and it is just tinfoil.

And then it wraps all the way round and then...

The good thing is, you can also cook the presents!

LAUGHTER

Yeah!

And then you go, "Happy Christmas!

"I've really gone to a lot of effort to make it look like a sandwich."

And I'm just imagining as well, in your house you actually

do give people lever arch files as Christmas presents!

It is a photo album for your treasured family memories, Ed!

Well, that's just it, if you buy somebody something

as unimaginative as a photo album or a diary for the coming year,

something like that, the only effort you can make is to wrap it nicely.

This now removes even that small modicum of thought!

They've given me a series of things, like, somebody went out and said,

"Oh, this will illustrate the problems of Man Wrap well."

Look, I don't want to say it, but clearly,

what did you get your wife for Christmas? Some cock!

..Is essentially what this is.

But also, surely, if men are useless enough to struggle

with wrapping paper, they're useless enough not to have actually

remembered to buy a present.

So, they're going to have the wrapping paper,

then they're going to go, "Oh, I haven't got a present."

They'll then get the wrapping paper, wrap that in newspaper

and give that as the bloody present!

Do you know, that's not bad!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It is bad when they open it!

Oh, yeah, no, no, no. Now it's good, "Oh, my God, that's really sweet!

"Oh, what a lovely thing."

"Hang on, why don't I just tear off this..."

Like, "Oh, oh, right. Er, wow, darling,

"thank you very much. Some cock."

LAUGHTER

Yeah, perfect!

The guy that came up with it said...

That's the other thing that got me, like, why did you give me

this random collection of stuff?

Who gives a candle out of the...

If you got somebody a kettle for Christmas, it would still

at least be in a box, right?

If you give somebody a kettle that's not in a box...

Whereas this, "Oh, Ma, I'm out of Man Wrap!

I think it is quite sexist though to call that "Man Wrap".

You know, we don't call parking sensors "woman helpers", do we?

LAUGHTER

I mean, I'm saying we don't!

Hang on...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

In other news, what's going on here?

He should have gone to Spec Savers, that one, shouldn't he?

LAUGHTER

Is that what happens if you Google Canadian pornography?

LAUGHTER

No, it is a statue, it's a statue, it's in somebody's garden.

It's a beautiful artwork, it's made in bronze and washable latex.

LAUGHTER

I believe in the moose community, they refer to this as brass rubbing.

LAUGHTER

Is the caption, "Horse regrets novelty hat?"

LAUGHTER

"Worst Halloween ever", it says.

For all the amusement value, though, there isn't really a man on earth

who doesn't look at that and feel a slight stab of empathy.

LAUGHTER

If you had a really small garden though,

that is how you would stack them.

LAUGHTER

Like chairs in a parish hall!

Is the caption,

"Mock The Week Christmas Special shorter than expected?"

LAUGHTER

Anyone else give a shit about this particular story?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Dara O'Briain. Happy Christmas.

And welcome to a special festive edition of Mock The Week.

We'll be talking about Christmas, as well as looking back at some

of our favourite moments from the last year, along with some...

Ah, la, la, la, la, la! La, la, la, la, la!

So happy ha, la, la, la, la to all of our...

all of our multi-faith viewers, happy ha, la, la, la, la to you,

you have a wonderful ha, la, la, ha, la, la, la, la, la! 0:21:35,800 --> 24:13:18,025 How has Cameron come out of this? 24:13:18,025 --> 25:32:50,251 Through a door, was it? 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Yeah. You showed him! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Is it, "How sure am I, Merry Christmas, 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 that this answer will end up in the Christmas compilation? 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Genuine racist Sikhs... need not apply. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 I'll say it again... 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 ..genuine racist Sikhs need not apply. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Ed, would you answer this question, because...? No problem. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 ..because you're here. Er... 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Where did Andy have tea the day after his win? 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Er, in his mouth. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Yeah. Do that again, shall we? 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Usually, though. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 So where did Andy have tea the day after his win? 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 In his mouth! No, just do it properly this time. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 But that's what he did. What, what? What's happened? 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 What? Technical flaws, errors? We're not fast enough. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 It was a bit dark, apparently. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 # One more time! # 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 If you could do it in a more kind of upbeat way, 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 apparently it was a bit dark. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 The way you walked over reminded us all of our own mortality. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 New, Runway red lip balm from Superglue. Because we've under... 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Oh, fucking bollock prick! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 OK, at the end, at the end of that round... 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 At the end of that, fuck! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Once you've stopped doing your old person bit, 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 we can get on with the...? 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 In other news, Ed, you're on a roll. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 See if you can get this one! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 What's up with you people?! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Look, Ed is making you look like fucking idiots here! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 I can't believe it! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 No, we had to stop because apparently I had some glitter on me. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Was it from your gay best friend? 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 From you! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 OK, the next topic is... 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 I wipe my arse with Colgate. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 And now I've got a ring of confidence! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 If it tastes like butter and spreads straight from the fridge, 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 you've probably had a power cut. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Condoms, because if she'd sleep with you, she'd sleep with anyone. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Ryanair... 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 because I'm worth shit. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Frosties, they're... They're all right. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 New BG from Garnier. Exfoliates, hydrates, epilates, urinates. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Probably not that last one. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Unlimited minutes, unlimited texts, unlimited music downloads, 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 yes, it's our new "Twat on a Train" tariff. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Have a break, have a wank. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Maybe she's born with it, 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 in which case I probably shouldn't take the piss. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Bekele has to walk for five miles every day for fresh water. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 That's why she ought to be thinking about the new Mazda. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Coco Chanel. Tastes bloody horrible, I'm sticking to Horlicks. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Lidl, because life didn't work out as you planned. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Hi, I'm Kevin Bacon, doing an ad on British TV. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 SOBS: What happened?! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 The DFS furniture sale is... is not currently on. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 This Christmas, get Mock The Week on DVD, featuring all the regulars. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Dara O'Briain. "And coming up this week, of course, it's Andy Parsons. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 "Milton Jones. Ummmm... 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 "And of course, don't forget Micky Flanagan. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 "East end of London." 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 GARBLED: "And not forgetting of course Chris Addison...." 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 "Thank you very much!" 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 OK, the next topic is... 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 GROANING AND LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Don't judge me! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Yes! It's just what I wanted, a Sean Walsh DVD! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 I want to fucking kill myself! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Well, the evening's not been wasted! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 All right, let's keep it festive! Keep it festive, all right? 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Come on. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 I know you don't like the fairy, but he's our son's boyfriend 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 and he makes him very happy! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Right, now, it's time for the nutty fruitcake soaked in booze. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Come on down, Granny! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 George Michael, you are accused of trafficking in human organs. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Last Christmas someone gave you their heart. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 No, just socks and aftershave. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Why, what did YOU wear to church? 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Oh guys, you really shouldn't have. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 No, seriously, you really shouldn't have. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 They're an endangered species, you can't make shoes from them! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Well, it's nearly midnight and I can hear Big Ben. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 He's upstairs shagging my wife, I'm not... 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 GROANING AND APPLAUSE 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 I went to Africa last year. They DO know it's Christmas. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Here we go! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Strap in! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 SOBS: "Daddy, I just watched the Snowman, and at the end, 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 "the ginger kid survived!" 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Last year for Christmas, to help my grandfather give up smoking, 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 I bought him a petrol-infused cigarette. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 His face lit up. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 "Brian... when I told you to serve mulled wine 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 to the next door neighbours with no cloves... 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Put your pants on, son! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Santa, that wasn't the sack I wanted emptying! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER AND GROANING 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 He's out of control! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Yes, he was! Yes, he is out of control. Out of control. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 What's happened? Unbelievable! It was you! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Welcome to the Mock The Week Christmas Special, 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 which after Dara O'Briain's recent arrest for turkey-worrying, 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 was obviously recorded in October. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 That was the Christmas number one. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 And now for the Christmas number two. Cannot wait! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Goodbye, Brussels sprouts! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Oh guys, you really shouldn't have. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 No seriously, you shouldn't, these are poisonous, 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 where did you pick them? 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 These are... have you washed your hands? Where's Matthew? 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 I know we said we'd take it in turns with our parents, 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 but I just don't fancy your mum! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER AND GROANING 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 What's happened? What has happened to you?! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 It's Christmas! That's your reason! It's Christmas! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 # Young man, da da da da, young man! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 # Na na na na na na na 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 # I said young man! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 # Na na na na na na na, na na na ner ner ner ner ner ner! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 What, a Christmas single, with me and a tiny, inflatable gay doll? 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Yeah, that would be the weirdest Christmas. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Hey, this Christmas why not ring in the New Year... 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Yeah...