Episode 12 Mock the Week

This programme contains strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to the last of our

current run of Mock The Week. Over the course of this series, we

celebrated some truly momentous events. The birth of a future king,

a British male winner at Wimbledon and Cheryl Cole's arse tattoo!

Tonight we are looking back at some moments, showing you the usual

outtakes and things you will not have seen before. It is the

compilation clip show! Hoe you enjoy it.

Now, we play a game called Picture of the Week. I show the panel an

image and ask them to tell me what is happening. So, what is going on

here? Is this a poster for the film Sheikhs on a Plane? ! I don't know

what it is but he thinks he will sit here as the other two windows have

not got curtains! To me it looks like an Islamic fundamentalist fruit

machine! You are going to get three beers! Brilliant.

Someone is thinking two more stickers and I will have completed

my panini world terrorist run. Is this the new Al-Qaeda edition of

Guess Who? Does he have a beard? No. Is the new design for the new Red

Stripe can? It looks like someone has painted the stripe while it has

taken off! No! Is he doing the joke we where he is pretending to walk

taken off! No! Is he doing the joke down the stairs? Is it, " You chose

Blind Date number two." Is it a really easy game of Where's Abu? Is

he saying after flying easyJet, the West is not as decadent as he

thought? It is Alan Qatada! Yes. A lovely name, isn't it, I'm not

trying to big him up but Abu Qatada. I think it sounds like he is a

magician who works on a cruise ship, is that Abu Qa-Ta-Da! !

magician who works on a cruise ship, is that Abu Qa-Ta-Da! The first

three years, I thought they were trying to get rid of him but the

first three, they just said Abu Qatada! I presumed it is the fact

that the furious West said Abu Qatada! Him saying, no, I do not

want coconuts or a banana. Stop saying have a banana. Why is he in

the news? When they tried to deport him, Fred Perry had just won

Wimbledon! The real killer, he was deported at 2.46.00am. He does not

that Andy Murray has won. To him it is still without a win... And he had

been here 20 years and they are getting rid of him just as the sun

has come out. I have never seen anyone so desperate no to go back to

Jordan since Peter Andre! I wanted it to be like a rom-com and Theresa

May change her mind at the last minute and run to the airport! She

would be bashing on the window. No! There he is! I was never leaving!

What is this? He was made to look foolish? This was homosexual Holland

Holland. A picture that was later banned.

Yes, it was banned. I thought all men looked like that.

I think he is having the prostate checked.

Where was he? He accidentally put his arse in a footspa.

It is difficult. Some of the mood that he is trying to strike. It is

like he has been dying for a wee, now he is at the swimming pool... .

Is he in a school? Why? It was the Return to School Week. He is in

trouble. There is 75% tax. Lots of people moving out of France. David

Cameron has invited them to come to Britain to pay tax in this country

at 45%. An interesting one for the Daily Mail: Foners coming over here,

paying our taxes... -- those foreigners, coming here, paying our

taxes... He is obviously sitting at a French lesson, yet that is the

universal dopey face. It is a Papua New Guinea huntsman you could show

this to, and they would think someone bought the fishing spear to

the boar hunt. They have a couple like that in the village.

Doesn't he look like one of the Men In Black? When one of the aliens has

disappeared up his arse? He reminds me of the producers of Mock The Week

when you suggest you may want to do a joke about Rolf Harris! That is

the face he pulls! Who could be soon missing on the back of a five pound

note? Is it the Queen? Depending on how you turn the note. Who is on the

other side of the note to the Queen? It is someone called Elizabeth Fry.

Who is I, think, Stephen's mother, or the person who invented Turkish

Delight. Churchill has been on it. -- Churchill is going on it. There

is controversy, he could be knocking off this lady called Fry.

is controversy, he could be knocking If you fold the note a certain way

they could start doing it! This is the proposed five pound note.

Critics are saying that there would be no women on the notes. I think

that they should have a feminist icon on it. Not least as it mean it

is would be uncomfortable for men to go to strip joints.

I like the idea of them putting Emily Pankhurst in a woman's

G-string. I am not a huge expert but if you are putting fivers into a G

string, you are at the most low-rent strip joint. You are looking at the

long view, one of these. £5 for you. I have change! How much do I get for

£4. 20? They need a woman on the £5. If they put one on the next one up,

she would become known as the Tena Lady! If you were the governor of

the Bank of England, it was your choice who goes on the notes,

wouldn't you have more fun? A fiver, that is me in Menorca! That is me

and Kofi Annan. A £20, naked lady, how did that get in there? ! This is

an ongoing debate. For the fiver, how did that get in there? ! This is

the plan was to have this... Then the value of the rises steadily for

the tenner, obviously we have this... And for £20, now that works.

That shockingly does. I think so.

There is no way, I have to keep that.

Put that back in your pocket! This is the 50 euro note which was the

original... You look like Gorbachev with that face! And in other news,

why men may avoid taking a dip in the river seen in -- in the River

Seine in Paris. There is a scary fish in the River

Seine biting people's testicles. This is a fish called the pacu fish.

Apparently you can swim along and it nibbles your goolies.

They are not confirmed reports. It is probably to be filed alongside

that fish that swims up your Willy in the Amazon? That is true.

That is not true. It does, it swims up the wee. It is

in the Amazon it is in Pru. It can swim up. It swims up when you go for

a wee. People say it is terrible, you went for a wee, it went up the

urethra, but if think of it from the fish's point of view, it was

swimming in the greatest swimming pool in the world and you wee and it

swims up your cock. This meant is nibble your testicles. This is a

worry, but the story pre-disposes if you swim in a northern European

river at the beginning of September, end of October, you are going to

have any visible testicles. That is true. It will be starved in

the winter otherwise. It is a tragedy for those of us not

capable of enjoying a holiday without luring one's testicles. The

cooling Liffey. That is why you are not allowed to

go to the trefy fnt anymore! My favourite, it was technically

vegetarian. It wants nuts! And for an image of a Frenchman having his

testicles nibbled, we have been supplied with this... Do you know

where it is in the river? It is a fish! Our next round is called

Newsreel. We play a piece of footage featuring people in the news and ask

you to suggest what may be being featuring people in the news and ask

said. This clip is the Queen and Prince Philip visiting a caravan

factory. This is the caravan. How lovely, I

will just take a look. Oh, bloody hell! I hate bloody caravans. I hope

you're not doing what I think you are doing. There are hundreds of

tiny men in there with you. We are Australianing on a Royal caravan. It

will have a satellite dish, a Jacuzzi, a Breville sandwich

toaster. Look at this shit. Would you like to

see the equipment for you? Yes, what is that? Well, that is a tap, mam.

So, this is the caravan. How lovely. Very spacious. Is there a lavatory

in the factory? Stand still for a minute it is sloshing around.

Oh, hurry up, Philip. You have been in there ages! Sorry, it is all of

the coffee. I would not go in there, Liz, it has not been plumed in.

There is not even any gin here. God, this is depressing. Bloody Royal

caravan! Stop being such a stick in the mud, Philip. Let's go along the

M 1 and irritate the tits off Jeremy Clarkson! Mind the steps, we don't

want to keep Charles waiting. And what is Francis' position there?

Doggy style! I have been there. Next topic! Cos that is that topic

settled! In other news... What has Cheryl Cole spent a reported 50

hours doing? She had a new tattoo done over her back it is over the

bum as well. There we go. Now she doesn't look bad, does she.

It looks good having four roses tattooed on the arse. In ten years

time, that will look like Kew Garden, isn't it? Everyone is

hacking on there. They get into the regional stereotype, she is from

Newcastle, she is a Geordie. So there is a good chance that once or

twice a week she take as shit outside, right? It is what they do!

So she can squat in the rose garden... Twist one off, Bob's your

uncle! Well done, Cheryl! Apparently it took 50 hours to get it down. You

are thinking, well, while she is having the tattoo done, she was not

making or releasing music, so it is not all bad news, you know? She does

sex, when she does it the naughty way, is it called botany? The real

worry is that she is stalked by Alan Titchmarsh with an aphid spray. If

you have the entire arse done as a u, having something practical, like

a pair of shorts. When it is hot, you think, down we go, nobody will

notice! Exactly. If I were going out with Cheryl Cole I would get picks

of secateurs tattooed on me penis. with Cheryl Cole I would get picks

Like you are pruning a bush... You would not use a condom, you would

use Fisons Gro-bag! OK, that's the end of that round and the points go

to Rob, thank you very much. You could get a watering can

tattooed all over here... How cool would that be? OK. Speaking of

people in Wimbledon, why did a BBC commentator have to apologise? This

was outrageous, ononon, when Marion Bartoli wag going to see her father.

Onononsaid, " I wonder if she was little, if her dad said you would

never ablooker." ! From ononon! What about the dream man, the body of

ononon, the head of onononand the attitude of women, of ononon.

I have a -- am a heterosexual man. He has lovely eyes. He has the ice

cold eyes of a killer and he looks like a shaved husky.

Do you think his father said, you know what, you are white,

middle-class, male, you can coast through life being mediocre! He

apologised by sending her a letter. That is adding insult to injury.

The moment at which he did, there is Marion there, the moment he did it,

it is the bit she is climbing the steps, the bit to hug her dad. The

it is the bit she is climbing the moment you broadcast what a lovely

seen this is. It was at that point... That he gave her the

letter? No! He popped up between the rees, here is the letter. -- he

popped up between the trees, here is a letter. Don't mind me.

It is ridiculous to make fun of someone because of the way that they

look, when you can make fun of them because they are French! And in

other news, who is now earning £300,000 a week? Is it you, Dara?

No, it is not. I think it could be Gareth Bale.

I think I is a that story. It did appear in one or two of the

newspapers. I cannot get enough of it. Can we go

back to talking about Cheryl Cole's arse.

Now, dwelling on the issue. Looking at the photograph of Gareth Bale, is

it sensible to buy a footballer, who is that big, relative to the

Stadium? I love. This Ed, you must enjoy this, Ed, seen

it? Yes, I have seen it there. That's his thing.

He has put a trademark on this. You are not allowed to do this. Read it

and weep, Gareth! John Terry has one.

Mesut Ozil! He does this for his long-term girlfriend, Emma, when he

he scores a goal. It is Cheryl Cole's arse! They spent £85 million.

They should have bought Wales and found him there. It would have been

half the price. The name of the guy that scouted him

for Southampton, you know what? Gareth Bale was scouted by a man

called Gareth Hale. It is weird. You are right, that was not funny.

Thanks for the heads up. Moving on, what is up with this sad

fellow... I saw this photo it reminded me of a conversation I had

with Dara before he went into make-up... That is... Thank you. Why

does the comedy on television have to be so hurtful? Come on, Dara.

Give us the smile. I'm not doing it! Dara you have

something coming out of your lip there. Sorry, that was the picture.

Sorry, are we only doing this round there. Sorry, that was the picture.

so you can do a lingering comparison with me and a blob fish.

That looks like William Hague getting close to the Fukushima

plant. I think is what most people on

match.com actually look like. Has the fat sneezed itself inside

out? Does anyone have news on this Is it one of Jordan's implants? Can

I say I cannot do an impression of David Cameron. I don't think that

anyone can. Dara he is not feeling well, so they said you need to get

cover. So if you can come in and do that, it would be great. That was a

savage Ed Byrne impression there! I believe they are at the G20.

Of course. Thank you very much. Very good, Andy Parsons.

This is a picture of Vladimir Putin and David Cameron at the recent G20

summit when Russia, excuse me... Maybe Alistair should do it.

The gathering was said to be frosty after clashing with Syria, for

fuck's sake! Is there a reason you are licking your hand? I don't want

people to see I write down your names before introducing you.

We are 500 metres to go. The word record is on. The pacemaker drops

out, let's hope his heart does not stop without it. I fucked that up!

I'm going back over here! So, what is going on with Boris Johnson?

Anyone? He... Ed, give other people a go first! Yab, yab,a, with the...

Sorry. So, anyone know why Boris Johnson is in the news? Ask Andy,

why don't you! Sport. OK. The category is sport.

Sorry, shall we do that again. . I hit the knee.

Somebody says that the category is sport, you have a spasm.

It does not matter, by Thursday he may be going to Havana. I did not

even touch the fucking button! OK... Excuse me. Yes, I did burp! OK the

next topic ises -- is... That bastard.

Can someone say Brian Blessed without shouting.

I got this one. Who is joining forces with Brian

May? Brian Blessed? Moving on. What other world leader was made to look

foolish this week? I am asking this to the camera. That is weird. Hey

you, at home, what other world leaders were made to look foolish

this week? Moving on, what other world leader was made to look

foolish this week? Anyone? Anyone? No-one at all? You people disgust

me! The only thing... I have messed that one up. I will go on to the

last line. Milton's won.

Now we play a round, a round, a round? I am caught between the

lines. You? ! Some pints for Hugh? ! Sorry.

Apologies. Do you need to have someone coming

in from behind? That was not helpful! OK the next topic is... Is

so on this sport, Abu Qa-Ta-Da! Once turned down television work.

-- that Dara turned down television work.

You have no idea of the choices I have to make.

After the apple fell on his head. Isaac Newton came up with the idea

to change the world forever. Public injury compensation! 8,000 men, only

one cubicle. The scene was set for the Battle of Portaloo! Could Hitler

have been Jack the Ripper? No. Good night.

A history of cricket and match-fixing. The rise and the fall

of annum pyre. Genghis Khan waged wars, killing

millions of people, fathered thousands of children - lad! Why

they wanted to invade him, he did not know, but as the merse summit

was above Dara that summer morning he knee it was time. This was the

Battle of Dara O'Brien. Everyone remembers where they were when JFK

died. Part from JFK. He had been shot in the head. The

Austro-Hungarian, definitely the toughest venue I have done stand-up

in. Divorced, beheaded, died, divorced,

beheaded, killed in a car crash... Welcome back to Time Team. This man

was clearly bluj on the to death, because the fucker called me

Baldrick! Next up... Unlikely things for Andy Murray to think.

I know it is championship point. I could really do with a pooh. Well at

least wh now I've won Wimbledon, they will stop making fun of me on

television. Oi, look what I have just won! I wonder if my mum is

watching today? Of course she is. She's always watching! The break of

serve, I could break his fucking legs.

I remember when I used to train... What is that? He's in the room! So

I remember when I used to train... So, I remember when I used to train

in Scotland, I was a lot more unhealthy. I used to Serb with a

potato instead of a ball so I could have lots of chips afterwards.

I wonder if Kim really likes tennis? I wish Kim would shut up, oh, Ed

Byrne is so funny! When are theena going to make a poster of me

scratching my arse! Why do u spend my life trying to hit the fuszy

green apple with a snow show... God, it is great having an enormous

penis! I think I just saw Ivan Lendl raise his eyebrow. That means he's

just ejaculated! Venus has the arse, Serena has the tits!