Episode 11 Mock the Week

This programme contains some strong language

Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain. Joining me are

Andy Parsons, Josh Widdicombe and Miles Jupp. Seann Walsh, Hugh Dennis

and Milton Jones. APPLAUSE

We start with Picture of the Week. I show the panel a topic image and ask

them what is happening. So, team what is going on here? Has the

recession hit the Village People tribute act? This week's Grand

Designs I have entombed Kevin McCloud behind this wall! The worst

profile on UniformDating.com? Has Miley Cyrus just nicked his

sledgehammer? Has he bricked over the door that leads to of Nick

Clegg's office? Is the caption "under me, O Briain faces its

biggest problem and it's the hat speaking! "

-- Britain faces its briggest problem and it's the hat speak

speaking! " He has that NCP look about him! Is it the Downing

Street's five courts extension? It is squash with your hand! Oh, gosh -

I have given myself away there! Why is... Is he playing scissors

I have given myself away there! stones udder? ! Is it him having a

trip at the Conservative Party Conference? That is right. Well done

Andy Parsons! Yes, this is David Cameron on a visit to a housing

development near Manchester during this week's Conservative Party

Conference. A number of high-profile policies were announced. Have you

seen any? Yes, they announced married couples will get a tax

allowance. It will be £200 a year to encourage couples - £4 a week! It is

brilliant, isn't it! People going, walk out, don't turn around - hey,

there's two quid in it for you! It is a pint you could get a pint out

of it. Then you could argue every week who would get the pint. Talking

London prices here. If they break into a student bar in Stoke... It

would do for a month. That will help the cohesion of their marriage. £200

a year. The average wedding is £18,000, so to break even 90 years

you need to be married for. Don't go dying on me - I need another 23

years out of you! Come on! We're not married, Andy!

It was like the weirdest romantic movie ever!

Don't I feel the gooseberry! Who is going to be... What decision

would you make differently because of £200 a year? My accountant

advised me to be a Mormon! He hands out the leaflets all the

time! That was an unrelated anecdote!

Is it social engineering by dangling money. He has not dangled it. He has

waved it in front of people and said, if you liked it then you

should have put a ring on it! What other policies were mentioned?

A policy for the unemployed. It is a great policy. What happens is if you

cannot find a job you have to clean up litter or feed old people - which

is kind of offensive to old people that they have said they are the

worst two jobs! Get one half of the jobless to pick up the litter, the

other half to drop the litter and that way you have twice as many

people busy and you are not robbing anyone of employment.

There is a big issue about the employment of Wombles after this.

They all come over from Bulgaria, any way. No-one wants to be made

unemployed. It is a horrible thing. To be handed a clock and shown the

door, especially if you work for Al-Qaeda!

The long-term unemployed would pick up litters litter -- litter and how

often to go to the Jobcentre? And the help to buy scheme. I am in

favour of home loans. There was home loans three.

He was like 19 or something. See you in three weeks' time. I don't think

most people understand all this stuff. I think if you want to appeal

to people it needs to be more simple. I would pay more attention

if one of the policies was all fire alarms to start off by going psss -

your toast is just a bit burnt. Then I would go, all right this guy knows

what he's talking about. Or if the Government made plug sockets higher,

so you didn't have to bend over. Yorkshire puddings with every meal!

I get confused. Too many number, too many people - I don't know what's

going on. I thought this was Buzzcocks!

Hoping to defend O Briain from cyber attacks. They will get computer

geeks, employed by the Army to protect us. Let's - face it - people

instead of going, oh, I fought in World War II, the battle of Dunkirk,

it will be more like I fought in world war three, level five!

They are getting hackers to jump ships. Such a-and-a-half movie. He

go -- such a naff movie, he goes, I am not here to arrest you. I am here

to offer you a job. Are these people the ones can excellent password

strength? All the time you have typed it in, that is what it has

been doing. Josh's mum - no. Why, Josh's mum - I have no idea. We are

not very close! Cyberwar films. Things like Das

Reboot! The great Alt deelect escape!

Saving Private Ryan. What about platoon. Oh, I spilt coffee on my

laptop! You have to do the most difficult things on a computer.

Unsubscribing from Linkedin and finding the hashtag key on an Apple

keyboard without having to copy it from Google, which is what I have to

do every time. Mine has a line over the O. My professional name I had to

dump it because I cannot find it on the keyboard. It is that and that

and that and that and that and that. That is good - I change my name - it

is just easier! They are meant to slow down our

enemy's capacity for cyberwarfare. Put China on BT Broadband.

APPLAUSE They said the kind of things you

would have to do would get you arrested in the real world. Correct

me if I am wrong, that is also true arrested in the real world. Correct

of regular soldiers. LAUGHTER

I am thinking specifically of shooting and so forth!

Ordinary policemen know nothing about computers. I don't know if you

have been down to PC World! LAUGHTER

Why is there extra pressure on some students to do well at University?

Because parents can bet on what their children will get. They may be

Because parents can bet on what pressured to get a first if that is

what they bet on. Also they can come to you and go, you'll need to throw

this exam! I have put the house on you getting

this exam! a two-two. Could you do an exam

under that pressure? I would worry like if the odds changed in football

and Ray Winstone's head would come up - in the middle of an exam!

You've got that wrong. Shut up, Ray. Shut up gianted floating Ray

Winstone head! -- giant floating Ray Winstone head!

We had a bet at our school on who would miss out on their GCSE GCSEs

because they got pregnant and everybody got it right, Sarah... Not

her real name! Did you make sure of that, Andy.

Some insider trading there. Quite literally insider trading. Sportsday

- make that more interesting. Loads of parents with houses on the egg

and spoon race. Don't drop the egg, don't drop the egg!

Now, we play a round called Can You Smell What The Mock is Cooking. This

involves Josh and Milton. Whoever chooses the stuff, one over our

performers will step forward and talk about that subject T winner is

whoever I think is the funniest. The first topic is childhood. Who wants

to come in first? Josh. I grew up in a small village in Devon, which was

as fun as it sounds. Very little happened. To give you an idea, the

most exciting thing which happened in my village is when I was seven,

for a brief period there was a bull in a field!

I was terrified, this bull would walk past me. My dad would go, don't

worry, he's more scared of you than you are of him. I used to think, no,

he isn't mate. Bonfire night, there were warnings. We are going to get

burnted with a sparkler or burnt with a firework. On Blue Peter they

had the same warning - bonfire night is coming up, but if you do own a

pet tortoise... They would go, if you own a pet tortoise and it is hib

binnating, do be careful and don't accidentally throw that box on to

the fire. I don't know how likely accidentally throw that box on to

that is. I don't know anyone who owns a pet tortoise, and how unruly

is your bonfire night. Go to the houses, get my boxes, don't look in

them and throw them on the fire! I don't concare that the con-- -

continue care that the contents is snoring. Where is Sheldon. The

warning on sparklers should be, if you plan using one do be aware you

will do the same three shapes you did every other year. Zigzags,

circle circles... Go on then, I will write my own name. That happens

every year. We would have the home firework displays. Most people were

interested in health and safety. My dad didn't bother. We said we have

six fireworks, the cat has nine lives. We will throw off fireworks

towards the village. It would climax with a Catherine wheel nailed to a

gate that failed to go off. We would go to him and said it is more scared

of me than I am of it - it will be fine!

Milton is left. Let's spin the wheel. The topic is travel. Strange

things do happen. Once, I saw a little green man, and then he

disappeared, and then I got run over. Kuala Lumpur, that was a

disappointment. I always thought it was a bear crossed with an Oompa

Loompa. Clingy, but quite hard-working.

I was in France recently and saw a little old lady, and said the late

to crochet avec moi. -- voluez-vous. She took it all the wrong way. With

the financial situation, I did think Ireland will stay afloat. Cork,

maybe. -- don't think. It takes 11 days to walk to Torquay holding the

hand of a seven-year-old. That's what I thought. It was his birthday

treat. What he actually wanted was a walkie-talkie. I am very English,

really, I even ordered a book on the Internet. How to have absolutely

nothing to do with your neighbours. Unfortunately I was out when it was

delivered. Well done. Thank you very much,

Milton. Come on back. The next round is called, if this is the answer,

what is the question. On the board are six categories. Which category

would you like? I will go for environment. And the answer is 95%.

What is the question? Is it the percentage of Domino's Pizza left

before I think, what am I doing with my life?

If somebody tells me that Mark D'Arcy has been killed off for the

next Bridget Jones book, what are the chances that I don't give a

ship? -- a sheet. Is it express 19 twentieths as a fraction? How much

ship? -- a sheet. Is it express 19 of Peter Crouch 's limbs? Is it what

proportion of accidents is -- in hand grenades shocks caused by an

assistant saying, can I have your pin, please? What percentage of

Hawaii's income made by Milton buying shirts? Is it express 19

twentieths as a percentage? Is it, buying shirts? Is it express 19

if I send a text on the new iPhone, how much battery will it drain? Is

if I send a text on the new iPhone, it how sure am I, Merry Christmas,

that this answer will end up in the Christmas compilation? Is it express

76 eightieths as a fraction? What are the chances that I am going to

shove Miles's Abacus up his arts? Is it one of the answers that when

Richard Dawkins will be turned away from heaven? Is it what rating does

paradise currently have on Trip Advisor? Is it one neighbours

talking to another neighbour over a big fence about the number in his

garden? Possibly it can be a correct answer. Is it what are the chances

that humans created chance -- climate change? That is absolutely

right. Well done. Let's give you the example apps are -- the exact

answer, according to a major UN report on climate change, how

certain that mankind is to blame for global warning? It is the news that

the intergovernmental panel on climate change has published a

report concluding they are 95% certain that mankind has been the

dominant cause of climate change. It's a disappointing statistic. When

you see on a condom packet that these are 95% successful, you think,

what happens if you make love a hundred times question what you

think... In my case, somebody gives you a door -- knocks on your door

and gives you a prize. Are you trying to say I am still in the 90s?

It's merely gossip, I'm sure. Obviously... They say sea levels

will rise, because that is difficult to check. They are constantly doing

that. Yes, but the ground isn't, Josh. If you look at the edge of a

harbour and think it gets wet and dry is, and then it gets wet

again... Yes, but they go up and down. They can measure the highest

bit and see if it is high in the next day. That is why you are a

scientist. They are worried about sea levels rising. East Anglia, if

it goes more than two metres, the whole thing will go over -- under

the water. Currently they are complaining about wind turbines

spoiling the view. You think, not as much as 2 billion gallons of sea

water. They will be grateful for the wind turbines, because they are one

of the few things above sea level they could cling on to. I'm on the

wind turbine! I didn't think this plan through! What is the other 5%

that might be to blame? There is still a 5% chance it is not us. It

is not that animals have been starting out the CO2. Can we ask

Miles what the chances are of it not being as a fraction? What would that

be? You are looking at seven twentieths or something like that. I

will be honest. I was quite surprised when you got to the end of

the question and it was directed at me, and I might not have listened to

some of the words involved in the sentence before my name came up, but

I suddenly realise that. You are all talking on this show about, God

knows what, and I look up and my dear colleagues expect me to join

in. Have you put a bet on yourself to throw Mock The Week? What plans

are there to counteract this? A cooling off period. Just tell

everyone to calm down for a while? In my experience, these things sort

themselves out. Have you seen the mirror in space? It will deflect

sunlight. It is going to keep overheating, so you can deflected

away. Will be double sided? You want to look at yourself in the space

mirror? Good to go. OK. If you break the mirror, it's a billion years bad

luck. Could be like a mirror ball, so if it spins in space, we could

all dams. What did Tesco withdraw from sale recently? It was a doll of

a gay best friend. There it is. It is not particularly realistic. It

was a third party seller. But it was removed. The description of the

product said it, if sex and the city and Will and Grace have taught us

anything, it is that a gay best friend is in the season. It said it

loved shopping, dancing and would tell you how big your bunnies. --

how big your bum is. Dara has got a bag -- best friend everybody. Why

can't I find a fellow? Shall we sit and watch a DVD together? How

can't I find a fellow? Shall we sit offensive is it in any sense? I

don't think the gay community will be worried. They will be less

offended than a best friend, but that any gay person might dress that

badly. What about that? Are those in right now? You need to look at the

hair on the back of his head. His hairy ears particularly impressed

me. These are people who do back, SAC, crack, but the

while we draw attention to things that are not realistic about it, I

think it's too small. Please don't use my head is a sense of scale.

That can be confusing. At the moment the gay best friend thinks that Ray

Winstone is going to give him some arms. Betty and play eczema drug --

some odds. Bet in play. Did you manage to buy one before removed

from sale? I bought one and they complain, -- and I complain so no

one else could have won. I know, I know, I know. I'm such a bitch. If

you had a UKIP supporter drowning, throw that out. This is Kevin. At

the end of that round, the points go two miles, Josh, and Andy. -- Miles.

Now we come to seems we'd like to see. If you can make your way over

to the performance enter. Go over to the performance enter and we will

see what you can come up with. -- this woman's centre. The first

subject is, unlikely small ads. -- the performance Centre. Do you want

a larger penis? Beach volleyball tonight on BBC One. For sale, 400

jars of mayonnaise, would suit the sort of person not that fussed by

best before dates. For sale, one pack of polos, unopened. Mint

condition. Sperm donors wanted. Please come

quickly. For sale, horse, would make

excellent pet or pate. -- pate. Wanted, someone to kill my dad so I

have an X Factor back story. Lost, boomerang. Last Thursday.

Somewhere... It's coming back to me now. For sale, dwarf Jacuzzi. Could

also be used as a foot spa. For vasectomies, like those suction and

all small -- liposuction and all small cosmetic surgery is Caulfield,

the overambitious tree surgeon. Cleaning lady, £8 per hour, or until

Lady is clean. Wanted, spessing lissons. Do you

want your hands -- house to smell nice and spice up your sex life, why

not try Glade but plug-ins. Goodbye, dad, rest in peace, and if

you hadn't gambled all away all of our marriage, this might have been

in obituaries. -- all of our money. Wanted, new subject for scenes we

would like to see. The next topic is... Unlikely things to hear on

Crimewatch. The police have said it is OK for the public to approach the

gunmen as he has sawn off the wrong end of the shotgun.

Hopkins has committed various food hygiene offences and there is now a

bounty on his head. And now a case of Grand Theft Auto

V. Someone has sole in the case of my Grand Theft Auto V -- stolen the

case. The victim was marched to the cashpoint and made to take out £300.

That's the last time he forgets his wife's birthday.

Good night, and remember, don't shave white bears. No, that's it. --

knotted. We believe the occult to be involved in the crime. This is the

victim 's phone, and the last number is 666. Hang on, it's upside down.

Were you at... Oh, God, that's different. Were you in Wetherspoons?

We'll do that one in again in a minute. A computer fraudster got

away with 9 million nectar points. Police are looking for a

disappointed man with one new wine glass.

Well, that's all we've got time for on Crimewatch. We've talked about

some serious things, but don't forget, don't have.... WAAAH!

Sometimes victims of crime don't even know they have been robbed

because they use the items taken so infrequently. Take Dara O'Briain.

Burglars stole his legs six months ago. Were you at Yates's Wine Lodge?

Unbelievable. Genuinely unbelievable. Were you at Yates's

Wine Lodge? I can't believe it. I can't believe they've left me out.

More on the post office robbery. They charge me for pound 50 to send

a parcel second-class. -- £4.50. This afternoon £10,000 worth of

cocaine was stolen. Come whoever took it but it back in my dressing

room? I don't know who took it. No, I don't know.

Well, we hope the reconstruction jog a few memories. If not, we have

needlessly shot for more people. A round of applause please for Miles,

Josh and Andy. And that is the end of the show. This week 's winners

are Andy Parsons, Josh Widdicombe and miles Jupp. Commiserations to

Sean Walsh, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones. Thanks for watching. I'm Dara

O'Briain. Thanks for watching. Good night.