Episode 10 Mock the Week

loss of subtitles. This programme contains strong

language. How has this presentation of

policies gone. My favourite policy in the speech he said if he's

elected he won't take his shirt off in public. I like that for two

reasons, one it is attainable. The other one he said if he was elected,

which implies if he's not he might streak through parliament? That is

the most effective way to get elected if you say if you don't

elect me I will take my top off and run through the streets. He should

stand and slowly raise it up, oh yeah, it is coming off, yeah. Are

you ready for this jelly? Ed Balls is at conference every year, what

is it? He plays a football match every year. He does, and every year

we show photographs of him playing the football match they conference.

This is from two years ago. This is last year's photograph we have as

well. Then the standard photograph, he went for a different look this

year. This is this year's! He's gone, it is saucey if anything.

It is the one leg up and the kind of, paint me like your French

ladies Leo. All right, let's move on to the far more entertaining and

comedy conference, what is going on here? Is he at the Dover ferry

terminal and waving goodbye to the foreigners. It might be just

firpblg going I'm in charge because I'm the most - Farage, going I'm

the most normal. I'm the electable one. I'm the safe face of UKIP.

That's actually how he always enters a foom, he always comes -- a

always goes in says "Farage". Is it Farage sells teeth for party funds.

I know he did, I bought them off him. Nigel, how many immigrants

would you be happy with in this country? His cook, his cleaner, his

gardener! Yes, it is Farage at the UKIP conference, which gave more

headlines than Labour could possibly dream of of the --. He was

pretending to be a man of the people, he was a stock broker who

went to public school. If he was a man of the people, he would be

called Nigel Far-age, rather than Farage, like garage, he might live

in a vill-age, and enjoy a saus-age, people come over here and can't

pronounce our words, it is an out- r-age. It is funny when you see him,

when he's being the same member of the party and he's clumping down.

Who does he destroy at the party conference? Godfrey Bloom. What did

he say? He went to a Women in Politics discussion and described

them all as "sluts". My main question is, when holding a woman

in politics set together, who is inviting Godfrey Bloom? It is like

having Tony Blair as Middle East peace ambassador! What was his

defence for calling them sluts? He said he called them sluts because

they didn't clean behind the fridge. Funny old definition. Is that an

awful euphamism. His idea was the old meaning of slut were people who

were slatternly or unclean and he didn't mean slags, which is always

a very weak point when you say I meant sluts in the old 18th century,

not contemporary sluts, these women aren't that, slags, no. You can

have such a massive story that overshadowed the whole conference.

My grandmother heard about it and overshadowed the whole conference.

she lives in Bongo Bongo Land. I do think it is a strange problem to

choose in a task around the house, who cleans behind a fridge, have I

missed a thing? How do you get behind the fridge. You would have

to move the fridge for a start? He would have to take out the whole

fitted kitchen. If I ever came home and found her cleaning behind the

fripbl, I have to stage an intervention and go honey, this is

going too far. I just caught you cleaning behind the fridge. I don't

think I can take this. I could get on board with all of our urine

being collected in jars, but I can't, behind the fridge is too far,

this is too much, we need to get help here.

Women are better at finding mustard in the pantry than driving, he said,

and I'm like why are you hiding your mustard from your wife, I was

and I'm like why are you hiding like what are you like, is she on

two backs Coleman he is offer day and yellow up her nose. He's out

with the stopwatch, making a ham sandwich? Where's the mustard? Hit.

He hit a Channel 4 News reporter on the head with a brochure.

Apparently the channel 4 news reporter was hit so hard he's so

injured that he had to become a Channel 5 news reporter.

We actually have the point was it Michael Crick? Very famous he is.

He made the point that this is the brochure of their conference, and

it features faces of 270 UKIP members, they are all white. And he

said there isn't a black face on this. He gave the brilliant counter

argument, no you're racist! It is like arguing with an eight-year-old,

you're the racist, no you're the raceist. And then toe make sure of

the point he hit him on the head. A fine piece of footage. What is

brilliant about the brochure is illegal immigrants can cut out the

pictures and just about the right size to make a false passport! It

looks like a racist version of Guess Who? Are they back? No...He

Said he wants to represent the Yorkshire women that have dinner on

the table when you get home. Nobody wants that, you want your tracksuit

bottoms on, a cup of tea and Scannedy Crush, and the fridge for

an hour. Not straight into the toad in the hole and after I have been

work, got the get the mustard out. That was Josh, Hugh and Gary that

work, got the get the mustard out. round went to T

The next round is called News Real, we play a recent piece of footage -

- News Reel, we feature a recent piece of footage and ask our

players to write it out. Hello Nick, I came to visit the Jag, you said

to come and go and visit by train and it broke down. Nick I wish you

would disappear permanentry, you just smile inanely good morning

everybody, I'm sorry we are late, somebody fell under Eric Pickles at

Hemel Hempstead and we are on the replacement bus service. Please

give a warm welcome to the Deputy Prime Minister. Thank you for the

warmth of that welcome, I'm wearing a red tied to to look more

socialist than my colleague, it is not very convincing, we are here to

announce a massive £40 billion investment in high-speed rail,

please feel free to show our investment in high-speed rail,

appreciation of the policies of the coalition Government. Well high-

speed rail is vital, if you are travelling to Birmingham soon you

will be able to spend an extra 20 minutes in Birmingham. Well, thank

you for your enthusiasm. That was an absolute fucking disaster, I

hate trains. Oh Oh look at this, I have downloaded this picture of

Nick Clegg with the head on a woman's body. Hello there? Hello

gentlemen, we are lost, here and in Government, can you help us find a

way out. I wonder what you have got on your computer? Well done Hugh.

Now we play a round called Gag Theft Out toe -- Auto5. Romesh and

Gary please make your way to the performance area. I launch the

Wheel of News, you step forward and talk about the subject, whoever

wins is who I think is funniest. Education, who wants to come in

there, Romesh? I used to be a teacher, actually, I was a maths

teacher, not a very good one. As I found out it doesn't actually

matter, you can get away with it for quite a while. Ofsted come in

and you have an inspector in the back of your class, I have to make

sure I'm doing my job properly, learning outcomes on the board,

pieing that rus and geometry -- pythagerous and geometry, and then

a boy asks a question, and I go, Timothy, great, what is it, and he

says "Why are you being weird ", I have to let Timothy know without

the inspector knowing I will end him. Every single question and

every single maths book, to be multiculturalist, has to be a white

or black kid, or white kid and Asian kid. I don't know about you,

I wouldn't want to meet with a kid of another colour if every time I

met up with him he wanted to do bloody maths! The questions you get

in these textbooks are amazing, you get questions like "Philip thinks

the answer is eight, Dilip... Thinks that the answer is ten,

which one is correct", a kid will put his hand up and say Dilip is

correct. And I say why, and he says because Asian kids are bods aren't

they? We had uniform at the school, I agree with uniform, the problem

they? We had uniform at the school, is they are strict about it.

Talking to sixth form lads about what they are wearing, absolutely

not a problem. I have no issue with that. Talking to sixth form girls

about what they are wearing, something I felt a lot less

comfortable about. What I actually found is if I looked at them long

enough they soon covered themselves up! Thank you very much. That

leaves us with Gary, let's see what you have. Spin the wheel.

Relationships. I used to suffer from premature ejaculation, which

made me feel selfish and bad for my girlfriend. Then she suggested a

try a special cream that reduces a sensitiveity, and it worked, now I

don't give a shit about her. I bought a vegan friend a cook book,

he wouldn't accept it, because it was leather bound, he said it was

too heavy for him to lift. When I was a teenager my mum always said

your bedroom is so messy you will never get any self-respecting girl

to come back here, luckily they weren't the ones I was going after.

I watched the director's qut of a porn film, at the end he actually

fixes the washing machine. I was in a sex shop, saw a dildo described

as nine-inches long and realistic, I thought, which is it? The

Archbishop of Canterbury recently said he couldn't support gay

marriage without first having a man-date, honestly, if he's that

bothered I will go out with him. One time I chucked my keys into a

bowl at a party, everyone staired at me and the trifle was ruined. I

was watching a really weird pornothe other day that was a fat

man crying and wanking at the same time, and then I realised I hadn't

turn the telly on. Thank you Points for both of you,

come on back. Our next round is if this is the answer, what is the

question. Romesh which category? Science please Dara. The answer is:

What is the question? Is it how long it would take Joey Essex to

spell the word "hypothetical". Is it what is the best-before date for

coal. Is it how long will I wait for a girl to text me back before

I'm sure she's not interested. Thank you. Is it how long it takes

for a bowl of porridge to cool down. Is it how long does a panda go

between shags. Is it how long will it take my iPhone 4 to download

IOS7. Is it on my first trip to Nandos how long did I sit at the

able before realising you had to go up to order. That is sweet. They

are very slow in here. Twiddling your napkin, I shall write a very

harsh review of this. Is it if you booked to a Ryanair time machine,

how far from where you wanted to be would you in fact end up? Is it how

long we have got on earth until it is too hot to live on. Absolutely

right, well done Rob. Yes, the question I was looking for

was how many years maximum do scientists predict human beings

have left on earth. Scientists have estimated the earth could possibly

support life for up to a 1.7 billion years, then it will be

uninhabitable. 1.75 billion years, they reckon then the earth will get

so hot, because the sun will expand and the temperatures will soar and

the oceans will disappear. And you are thinking that is one hell of a

long range weather forecast isn't it? How hot does it need to get

until I can call my house a villa? Is it 35 degrees or...I Presume

there was some architectural part of villas? It is a bungalow with a

pool, innit? Y care any way, it is not going to make

pool, innit? Y care any way, it is to me unless Omeaga 3 is much more

powerful than we imagined. If you had 1.75 billion to the total time

on the planet as a species so far, it is 1.75 billion. We won't be

around. It is an unfair time for it to happen as the eurozone comes out

of recession! If it is going to be too hot in two billion years, it

will be well nice for a good couple of thousand. A really nice

temperatures before worrying about that. It will be uninhabit table

because it is too hot, but for a while it would be great. You think

it will happen 1.75 billion, it doesn't affect me, but as a Hindu I

believe in reincarnation. I'm worried I might be a goat when the

big thing happens. Could you come back as an oven glove? I'm not a

scientist. It is important you said that at the start. See if I'm right

here. So the sun is like Helen Mirren in that the older it get,

the hotter it gets, is that right? Essentially yes. Helen Mirren

started burning hydrogen but as she has grown older she begins to burn

helium and larger elements. Does she talk with a higher voice. Then

she expands and out it comes. Does this mean she will turn into a

white dwarf. At some point it would be great if she did. Hello Helen?

Hello. Are we talking inside of a McDonald's apple pie hot. You know

how hot it is going to be, every day the Sun will say what a

scourger and a picture of a girl on the beach. Where is it? Kepler 22-B.

There are planets. The idea is we would move to another planet. In

the Goldilocks. It would be suitable for life, there is life on

it, we arrive, essentially immigrants. It would be fantastic,

we arrive in a hidious turn of fate, we turn up and some UKIP are

running Kepler 22-B, and it is earth left-wingings, we are not

having them there. Why is it called Goldilocks? Because it is neither

too hot or too gold, that is important when you are a planet.

Bette Midler likes porridge, but not hot porridge but medium

porridge, before she explodes and ungefls the whole planet. That is

how scientist talk. When did Helen Mirren become Bette Midler. That

was a Freudian slip. One fancies Bette Midler. We all have to shadow

underneath Bette Midler's wings where it would always be cooler

under her wings. That is where the wind is. Sorry, I can't believe

that. What bad news does Ryanair have this week? Is it nobody had

excess luggage so they didn't make a profit. Ryanair the UKIP of

international airlines. There was a survey by Which? Magazine who said

their customer service was bad. They were the worst of 100 well

known brands in terms of customer service. This is unsurprising given

that they have charged people for wheelchairs in the past. 99 piers

of complaints were dealt -- 99% of complaints were dealt within seven

days, but that is still too long to be on hold.

You are thinking, you could quite imagine being on Ryanair, and hear

a tannoy announcement or a loss of pressure in the cabin and a second

tannoy saying hands up those of you who want to rent an oxygen mask. I

would pay for that but I would want to use it. I get really irritated

on planes, it is there but it has never popped down. You? Never.

Popping down is a bad sign you know. You don't want to go great, the air

mask is down. And then turn to my child and go "wait your turn", very

important I do me first. One for the entire family. They are

thinking of charging, you can actually think of getting porn on

Ryanair as a pay-movie. You don't want the person sat next to you

watching porn on the flight do you. Then pretending the entire flight

to be trying to get something out of their pocket. If you are

watching porn on a Ryanair flight, at least you could watch someone

being screwed in a more uncomfortable space than you are in.

At the end of that round Rob, Romesh and Andy get the points.

Now we come to scenes we would like to see. If everyone can make their

way over to the performance area. I will read out the topics and we

will see what the panellists can come up with. Here we go, the first

subject is, things you wouldn't hear on a DIY show. Many people

have written to us asking how we can make your house greener, simple,

paint it green. And there it is, a perfect patio, and the police won't

suspect a thing. Don't bother putting the kettle on, we will

suspect a thing. Don't bother crack on with the work straight

away. The walls are plastered and I'm a

bit shit-faced too, to be honest. Welcome to Bollywood does DIY,

episode number one, change a lightbulb. Of course. I'm Nick

Knowles and no matter how many DIY programmes make, I will never be as

famous as my sister, Beyonce. This week on Grand Design, two more

middle-class tossers piss away their life savings on some

glorified Wendy house. After three hours of sawing, six hours of

hammering, and sanding all day, it is done, finally your neighbours

have moved out. So for the best finish, Rub vigorously up and down

with a piece of sand paper. Be warned, you may get a very sore

penis. We have managed to double the price

in Middlesborough, we put £20 in the biscuit tin. General's parents

helped us out with the budget on the project, by dying. So, drill

the pilot hole, take the plasterboard fixing, before you

count to sink the baton, ask yourself is it any wonder my wife

left me for a table magician from Macclesfield. We sandblasted

several layers of varnish off, but sadly there was very little of the

Celebrati?on Realife Dale Winton left.

This week John put up the wallpaper himself, we are taking him to

hospital. We have got 24 hours to renovate Sharon's house, let's

start by smashing her back doors in. Sarah Beanie has helped Andy

convert his semi-into a full boner! The next topic is:

He gazed into her eyes and said is it better with this lens or this

lens. Godfrey looked behind the fridge,

he was in luck, she was a slut. Will you make me the happiest man

on earth, will you marry me, will you change your name, will you

become the next Mrs Goaty Bollocks. Yes the earth did move for me, I

think they must have started fracking.

As he looked into our eyes for the last time, he whispered into her

ear, always remember we will always have the bins behind Morrisons.

Roimy, Romeo, -- Romeo, Romeo, 555 Oscar Tango, grey Octavia scene

heading towards the M6. I have been looking for you my whole life,

iPhone maps are crap. He made love to her like no man had ever done

before, it was so intense she dropped her chips. Fancy a coffee,

she said, he realised his luck of in and started taking his clothes

off, at which point he got kicked out of Starbucks.

They skipped hand in hand through the wood. Look, a yew tree, how

appropriate. He was a strapping officer from World War I, she was

disappointed with uniformdating.com.com. Dazey was

everything he looked for in a woman, pissed with low self-esteem.

She danced as if no-one was watching and people were watching

and she looked like a twat. At last I have found you, is it really you?

Are you Wally? Does this story have a happy ending,

he asked her. She snapped back, "happy ending, $50". Points for rob,

Romesh and Andy. That's the end of the show, this

week's winners are Andy Parsons, Romesh Ranganathan and Rob Beckett.

Commiserations to Josh Widdicombe, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney. Thank

you for watching, I'm Dara O'Brien. Good night.