Episode 6 Mock the Week

Hello and welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Dara O Briain. Joining me are

Andy Parsons, Ed Byrne and Chris Ramsey, Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis

and Rob Beckett. We start with a round called If This Is The answer,

What Is The Question? On the board are six categories. Which category

would you like? Politics.The answer is 9%. What is the question?

Percentage of British people without sunburn? Yes. Is it the percentage

of British men who bought for their wife Fifty Shades Of Grey then tied

them to the bed and pissed off down the pub? Rounding it up, what per

cent of Jesus's disciples turned out to be a wrong' un? What percentage

of people at a Michael Buble concert aren't using TENA Lady? What

percentage of EDL members can spell EDL? What point would I start

running around the room going, "Have you got a charger?" Is it for how

much of history has Bruce Forsyth been alive? As a relatively

successful stand-up comedian, how much tax should I be paying? Is it

the perSan Taj of Tulisa's phone book that she didn't have to delete

in custody. Percentage of Tulisa's phone book that she didn't have to

delete in custody? What are Edward Snowden's chances of making 40? I'm

not going to kill him! You sure you weren't initiated? Unless this is a

sleeper cell? You offered me 100 quid backstage to kill Edward

Snowden. You are a Geordie, you would do anything for 100 quid!

proportion of the UK electorate thinks UKIP is a sleeping tablet?

OK. I need to - I say these a lot. What gradient of hill... LAUGHTER

Makes Chris Froome go, "That's a piece of!" How many Glastonbury

Festival goers are still chilling out in front of the Pyramid Stage?

How much of the show will be over by the time you get the correct answer?

What percentage of this panel will be alive when Dave shows the final

repeat of this episode? APPLAUSE What percentage of people can't

believe it's not butter. Yeah. genuinely what percentage of Dale

Winton's skin has not been replaced by World of Leather? Can we have a

proper answer for once? Is this the MPs' pay rise? Absolutely right.

Thank you very much, Ed Byrne. APPLAUSE Yes, the question I was

looking for by how much should MPs' salaries rise according to the

Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority, IPSA? They have proposed

a rise in my opinions' pay to �74,000 a year an increase of 9%.

Should they get the pay rise? No. Why? Because it is easy for me

to score points with the audience by saying no! Eight grand is hardly

enough to put a secret love child through private school. In football

you have to stop other countries nicking your best players. It is not

other governments are trying to nick our politicians, is it? Cameron has

said, "I have said no to Spain, they can't have Gove!" People all think

that all MPs are money-grabbing bastards. They are not all

money-grabbing! LAUGHTER Ed Miliband has said that he's going to stop any

Labour MPs having a second job by the next election. Of course, by

then, a lot of them won't have a first job, will they? They get 15

quid a day food allowance for lunch? They do. That is three Subway

sandwiches. That is 36 inch of sandwich. George Osborne could take

36 inches! I don't think the vote is exclusively for Subway. That is what

I have been told! Only redeemable at the Parliament Subway. The queue is

really long! LAUGHTER It is travel stuff. They are not going to be

allowed to use taxis. Where are Tory MPs going to get their ideas if they

can't take taxis? David Cameron is like a taxi driver. I'm surprised he

doesn't go, "I tell you what your country's problem is, immigration!"

It is always a posh business role, because I used to work in a market

and a pub and my Dad used to be a carpet fitter and on the dole.

LAUGHTER What U-turn has the Government made this week? It is on

cigarette packaging. They were planning to say cigarettes would

have to come in plain white packets. In Canada, they have the photographs

on the packet as well, but they also have in the French prove Inces in

Quebec, they have it in English and in French. I bought a packet of

cigarettes and on one side it said "Cigarettes can cause cancer" and on

the other side it said, "Le cigarette cause le cancer". The

French people said, "There is no le, they are not talking to us." Just

make one cigarette in every packet explosive! How about that? Or

genetically modify cigarettes so as you smoke them, they go, "I'm

shrinking!" LAUGHTER It is like the Government's Drinkaware campaign.

Who doesn't Drinkaware? Who has four pints of Stella, starts dribbling,

punching themselves in the face, this has come as a complete shock to

me? What is Michael Gove being encouraged to do? Lock off! Chris,

he only asked the question, it is his job! On health matters, what has

Michael Gove been encouraged to do? Piss off! If you keep asking, we can

get the swearing down, and by the end it is shove off you Nancy!

only it was the last show in the series. When are we playing

Kerplunk? The difference... Ask the question. You have asked it three

times. Answer it yourself! You have the answers. What is the point of us

being here? This will be quick. OK. What else in other health news? What

initiative is coming into schools? School meals should be banned. 1% of

them meet the nutritional requirements that school dinners are

supposed to have. Yes.That's the facts. I don't have a joke. Yeah.

Only 1%? I don't like the story. I don't want to think about Michael

Gove's lunchbox! LAUGHTERI don't want to think about it! I presume

people - what are people putting into it? Not the kind of stuff -

this seems to be an unfair story. They are saying packed bunches are

unhealthy compared to school lunches. I only ever had packed

lunches. I had brown bread sandwiches, two cubes of jelly.

What? Yeah.Jelly that wasn't made? My mum didn't like giving us

chocolate or sweets... She used to cut up... She used to cut up a jelly

and give me two bits of it. It was really nice. For the rest of the

day, I was always slightly worried that it might turn into jelly!

LAUGHTER If you drank a glass of water... There would be a

cube-shaped jelly there. You had brown bread sandwiches? Like two

slices of brown bread with a slice of brown bread in the middle?

can packed lunches have only 1% of the nutritional requirement of a

school dinner? Is it like a large sandwich and a sugar cube? Some of

the kids must be so stupid they are eating the plastic box! LAUGHTER

Parents do have control. Every time they try and solve this problem, the

parents get in the way. When Jamie Oliver tried it, he tried to get rid

of Turkey Twizzlers. Mums at the school gate passing packets of chips

through to the children. If you want to solve this problem, just make the

railings thinner so they can't shove things through! You said Turkey

Twizzlers. I thought you said when they tried to get rid of Turkish

prisoners. Why are they feeding children in schools? One of them is

called Sandra? That is the clue as to the likelihood that I didn't say

that. I know. That makes more sense. They are suggesting teachers should

eat with the kids. The thing is, a lot of teachers do eat with the

kids, although it is usually in the form of a romantic meal, isn't it?

LAUGHTER Merry Christmas!At the end of that round, the points go to

Chris, Ed and Andy. Now, we play a round called graduating from

Mocksford University. This involves Rob Beckett and Chris Ramsey. This

is a stand-up challenge. Where I stop the wheel, one of our

performers have to talk about that subject. Let's spin the wheel.

Travel. Who wants to come in on that? Chris? I don't know what's

happening, it is all different on the telly. I take public transport

quite a lot doing this job. I'm not a fan, I don't like being in public

walking around, I don't get normal things in public when I'm walking

along, I don't get, "Excuse me, Sir, what time is it?" I get, "Do you

like leaves?" LAUGHTERI could write a book on it! As a northerner,

people said to me before I came to London to do work and stuff, people

said the Tube, the Tube is awful, no-one talks. Good! It's brilliant.

I don't want nutters on public transport telling us what they have

had for their breakfast. If you have never been on the Tube, come to

London. No-one literally - silence. Someone could burst into flames on

the Tube and all you get is one man looking up from a Kindle going,

"Prick!" Even the person who was in flames would be going, "Can I just

squeeze past, I'm soRry. My Oyster Card is melting." Well done. OK.

That leaves us with Rob. The topic is class. You are stuck with it.

working-class. If you are not sure, there is a test you can do. You

normally are working-class if your television is than your book case. A

big 50 inch plasma and a Billy book case next to it. DVDs on it. My

girlfriend is very middle-class. She used to be upper-class but we are

together now! Her sister has got a boyfriend, right, called Rupert. As

in the name! LAUGHTERI'm not having a go, it is a decent name, I just

never thought I would meet one. I went to the pub with him, do you

want another... What's happened to me? The thing is when they go round

her house - in my house, you would have dinner on your lap watching

You've Been Framed. It is what we used to do. You sit in a

conservatory, have wine and I started to think this is how you

should do dinner. After ten minutes I realised I haven't got an opinion

and I would like to see a dog fall in a puddle. Well done. Well done

the both of you. A point to both of you. Come on back, well done. Lovely

stuff. Come on. Well done, Chris and Rob.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Now, we play a game called Picture of the Week. I

show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what is

happening. Teams, what is going on here? Is it from the Daily Mail and

it's Romanian asylum-seekers swim to Britain? Is it thousands queue to

use Brighton's only jet-ski? Is it scenes from the first-ever live

Where's Wally? Is it bollocks? I thought I was the only one who had

this idea! That bloke at the front going, "Dave, Dave!" Is it the whole

town of Brighton taking part in a fire drill? Is it Arabian railway

station floats into Brighton? - this is the queue for tickets for

my new tour? Well done, very good! Is it entire country embarrassed to

have thrown a sicky at once? It is an extract from Dara O Briain's

Bunga Bunga Workout DVD? It is amazing to watch. We still don't

know what it is! Is it shock as UK newspapers use same photo five years

in a row to let illiterate people it was hot yesterday? Is it from the

Wildlife documentary When Sharks Can't Be Arsed? Is the beach busy

because it is nice and hot? Brighton Beach, it is one of the many resorts

heaving with sun seekers, temperatures in parts of the country

have trumped those in the Mediterranean. Amazing.It is

amazing. How has it caused chaos? Transport chaos. I was at Waterloo

trying to get home. It was boiling, it was baking hot. The guard said,

"All the trains are delayed because the tracks are warped." I said, "Why

is that a problem? "South East Trains have become South West

Trains!" The M25 melted as well. transport system has been designed

by Dali. Why is it a problem if the M25 melts? You spread it out with a

nice big knife and you have another lane! Fill the gritters with

suncream! That will be alright. Factor 50 will be alright. It did

say road menders were dispatched immediately to repair it. What did

they do? LAUGHTER It only melted because it's a soft southern road!

That is all it is. The A19 has pissed itself, it has been drinking

for three days, it's sunburnt and still hanging in there. The sales of

doggy sunscreen are up. Dogs just like the shade, right? No dog has

ever gone, "Oh, I'm just going to lie here toasting my internal

organs. I can take ten more minutes." It will be difficult for a

dog to hold that reflecting thing under their cheeks. They use the

funnels. Is that what they are?Yes. Brilliant. APPLAUSE You don't need

sunscreen for pets because pets have fur and it keeps them warm in the

winter and cool in the summer. If you put sunscreen on, it is putting

hair gel on them! They are trying to keep cool, not go on the pull!

do you know about hair gel? This is me going out for the night. I'm

ready to roll! My favourite thing about when it is hot is when I check

my gas meter and it's been on 40 quid. To be fair, it is on 40 quid

because my uncle sorted it! Probably not the thing you want to admit on

national television. There's been a 204% increase in barbecue sales and

a 176% increase in charcoal sales which means that 28% of people

forgot to buy charcoal. Nine million sausages sold by Tescos this week.

That's four pigs! And three horses! Many horses died. Everyone gets

angry in the summer, there is more "road rage". People want to get out

and fight. In the winter, no-one will get out. It's minus three, see

you in the spring! I rarely cut people up, but I hate it if I'm in

the taxi and the taxi cuts somebody up.st person that gets cut up always

looks like you, the passenger, like you are the one at fault. Like you

ordered the taxi driver to get you where you want to go. Any time a

taxi driver cuts somebody up, I'm rammed up against the window doing

this. Why might we be hearing more of this sound? BELL Because it's the

summer? Have they been allowed to play their chimes longer? The chime

law was passed. We are not talking about gay marriage, just the chime

laws, where ice-cream men can play for 12 seconds rather than four

seconds. They need more time to get to the ice-cream because of

childhood obesity. APPLAUSE There was a real problem with ice-cream

vans. It is interesting. It's all based on a national consultation

they had about the future of ice-cream vans. You know how many

responses they got to the national consultation? 99. Tell me it was 99!

No. At the moment of the recording, what is the nation gearing up to?

Pancake Day? No. The Royal baby. David Beckham was asked as to what

he thought the kid should be called and he said he thought it should be

called David but only if it was a boy! When is David Beckham got so

sensible about names? Brooklyn, Harper, Cruz. It has to be something

that goes with Princess or Queen. So Latifah? Or of the South. S?Greatest

Hits. What name they give the baby should depend on what they take as a

surname? If they are going to go with Windsor, it's Barbara. If it is

a boy, Legoland. If they are going with Cambridge, either way, Travel

Lodge. Prince Charles is going to become a grandfather before he's got

his first job. I mean, that is a tragedy. And he lives on an estate!

Is that how you discipline a royal baby? You have been naughty, you are

grounded. Which are in Buckingham Palace, quality! The only bit I'm

looking forward to is the bit where they announce the baby, when Prince

William goes, "Hey, hey, ho, ho." Just a bunch of giraffe ts on the

balcony. At the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Ed and Andy.

Now, we come to Scenes We'd Like To See, so if everyone can make their

way over to the performance area? I will read out this week's topics and

we will see what our panels can come up with. The first subject is

questions omitted from this year's exams. Using pi distract the fat kid

next to you so you can copy his answers. Using only the English

language write something. History - Henry IV, Henry Rom 5, Henry VII,

which was the greatest Hoover the caretaker ever had? Maths, Robert

has 400 stamps, he liked to put them in 12 different albums. He wants to

have them equally in each album. How many friends does Robert have?

you know the way to San Jose? Religious studies. If two men have

been married for ten years, for how long will they burn in hell for?

the fluid has been flowing at 21 litres a minute for 15 minutes, what

is wrong with my bladder? Fill your name at the top of the exam paper.

If it is Tyler, or Charmaine, get up, leave the school and never come

back. Using only the maths of the ass and the angle of the dangle,

calculate the measure of the pleasure. If a man travels 12 miles

each day to buy a loaf of bread, how long before he realises that living

in the countryside is shit? multiple choice exams too easy? (A)

yes. Opticians final exam. What do you think of the main causes of

short-sightedness. And now how about now? And now? What about now? And

now? Media Studies, trick question one. Name a business like

showbusiness. Geography. What is to blame for climate change? (A) the

sunlight? (B) the moon shine? (C) the good times? Or (d) the boogie?

OK. The next topic is things a weather forecaster would never say.

# The sun will come out tomorrow. # And these are the worst floods since

records began, which was last year when all the records were destroyed

in that flood. This is a map, I'm not a giant. It is going to be a bit

blowy today. It is my birthday and me wife promised me one! Later on,

it will be raining cats and dogs because a bomb has gone off in

Battersea! Well, it was cloudy earlier. I think I may have a urine

infection. It is well hot, isn't it? It was a frosty start for some of us

this morning. I came in pissed again and accidentally got in bed with me

mother-in-law. Well, you will be glad to know scientists have

explained why we have been enduring this long spell of disappointing

weather. Apparently, we live in Britain. Over the next three days,

we will see some spells of rain, the entrails never lie! Things should be

getting a lot cooler. I have just made friends with a black man.

you are going to get wet later on. I'm following you and I've got a

bucket! I'm sure the ladies will be wearing skimpy bikinis tomorrow. It

could reach 90 degrees, which is not bad for a man my age! It is going to

be a scorcher so guys you might as well staple your balls to the inside

of your thigh because those bad boys are going nowhere! Thank you very

much, Dave. Pretty easy reporting on things that have already happened.

Now, predicting the future... now The Shipping Forecast - Dogger,

Car park, My Penis, Rising Slowly. OK. The points go to Chris, Hugh and

Rob. And that is the end of the show. This week's winners are Andy