Episode 8 Mock the Week

Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain. Joining me this

week are Andy Parsons, Hal Cruttenden and Miles Jupp. Alistair

McGowan, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.

We start with a round called Picture of the Week. I show the panel a

topical image and ask them to tell me what is happening. What's going

on here? Is Putin saying, did I put the cyanide in the tea or in the

sherry? Is Cameron trying to upset Putin by trying to drink his sherry

in the most gay way possible? Putin does look relaxed. I think he's

watching one of his favourite sports. Maybe two bears killing a

dog. Bear, bear, dog. I love bear, bear, dog. I watch it on Russian

television all the time. Cameron presumably is in fact saying, two

more sherrys and I invade Syria. Is that David Cameron trying to lighten

the mood of the G20 by playing a tiny trumpet? Are you sure its not

actually a picture of Mr Burns and Smithers?

I think they are discussing election strategy. Putin is explaining how he

has already won his next four elections. We've all done it.

Presumably, they're playing the Obama speech drinking game. Every

time he says red line, have a drink. Maybe neither of them are speaking.

That's true. You've taken apart the entire conceit of the whole thing.

Can I just say at this point I can't do an impression of David Cameron.

There was a point earlier in a week where Dara's not feeling very so, we

need to cover in case Dara doesn't make it to the show, and if you

could do that it would be great. That was a particularly savage Ed

Byrne impersonation you were doing. I never knew he had a love child

with Louis Walsh. They seem to be living in one giant house together

raised by Terry Wogan. Don't worry, we won't let him insult you like

that again. May we have the correct answer? They are at the G20.They

are of course at the G20. Very good. This is a picture of Vladimir Putin

and David Cameron at the recent G20 summit when Russia played host to

world leaders in Saint Petersburg. The gathering was at times deemed to

be frosty with leaders clashing over Syria. Do we think Russia were good

hosts? No, I don't think they were great. They slagged us off for being

a small island. They did. And then David Cameron had to come forward

and say, look, we have lots of achievements. Including Shakespeare,

the Beatles and One Direction. And of course One Direction are making

it big in America. We have got to thank the Americans, because

obviously the more time they spend in America, the less time they are

appearing. I think the insult was in translation. Because Putin actually

said Little Country. It wasn't about Britain, it was about Cameron and he

didn't add "tree" at the end. They didn't feel that the G20 normally

had a rap slam down session where countries would bang the other.

Britain, you so small, you only got one time zone. Can you hear me,

Indonesia? I think you can. Also some of you don't have a tundra

region Canada knows what I'm talking about. I don't think that Britain

does only have one time zone, Lowestoft is years behind the rest

of us. If it was bad for Britain being insulted, there were countries

who came out of it worse. Spain have dropped out of the G20. And they

just got an observer's seat. Which was like inviting them to your

dinner party and going, I've got an old deckchair you can sit over here

and watch the chat going. There's some mismatched cutlery we can give

you. Chuck them a drumstick every now and again. They dropped it. You

all right, Spain? Si, si.And the seating plan. Did you see all the

hassle with the seating plan? It's a great shot. That's a fabulous shot.

What do they put in the massive roulette ball? Who's going to speak

next? Find out with this. Spain has to run around the outside. They have

to tap somebody on the shoulder. Then the person has to get up and

run after Spain. If they tap Spain before Spain, get into their chair,

then they get to keep their place in the G20. To me that looks like a

meeting of the BBC to discuss the overspending problem. Why don't we

just throw a load of money into the middle and we'll wrestle for it.

There's no way into the middle. There would be at some point where

somebody would have called for an aide and gone - I've dropped my pen,

can you get my pen? Then discreetly lower themselves into the middle.

And then get the pen by going, don't mind me. Does anyone know what gift

Russia gave Cameron? Yes, coasters. The ashes of Kim Philby. It might

have been a tea towel. It would have been great if the tiny ashes thing.

They would play spying tournaments every two years with the ashes of

Kim Philby. Was it Bill Bryson's book Notes From A Small Island? That

would have been a zinger. It covers your entire country in 200 pages. I

think Canada knows what I'm talking about.

There should be more of that on an international level zing. Was it

like a Russian dolls with Cameron on the outside? Then Gordon Brown in

that and then Tony Blair inside that. All the way back to Churchill.

All the way back down to Churchill. There was a set of Russian dolls

with British Prime Ministers. And Ted Heath was inside Margaret

Thatcher. Which would have come as a surprise to a lot of people. And a

first for Ted Heath. OK, what's going on here? Is it bring your son

to work day? If that is a corgi by the Queen's blanket, that needs a

bit of grooming. Is Charles saying, Andrew's down, they've got him, he

fell for it completely. Is the Queen going, look the Middletons are

driving themselves. Is the Queen saying, Look, Charles, there's Helen

Mirren? I'm going to be playing her in the new Danny Boyle film soon. It

is possible they are just enjoying the badger cull. Maybe, maybe

they're not speaking. Stop undermining the structure.

Whilst the Queen was up in Scotland, who was found by police in

Buckingham Palace gardens? This was Prince Andrew. Yes.Apparently the

police stopped him. They thought he was a waster and it turned out they

were right. It was unfortunate if the police stopped him and were

were right. It was unfortunate if going, state your business. You

there with the tan and the golf clubs, before you get in the

helicopter, who are you, what are you doing here? They wanted him to

prove he was a Royal. Apparently he just stood around doing nothing and

they took that as sufficient proof. You know the stupid thing about

this. He apparently said to the policeman who stopped him... Do you

know who I am? To which the answer is, clearly not. He does have that

look of a man who has eaten Prince Andrew. Do you think he actually

lives in the garden? He was found in the garden. Is he like Stig of the

Dump now? Does he now live in the garden that's what I want to know.

Has he fallen so low in the Royal pecking order that he now just

actually lives in the garden off nuts and berries. What was the

timeline? Was this before the burglary or just after the burglary?

There was a burglary. A man broke in two days beforehand. Hence they were

all a little more... They didn't think that man was still hanging

around two days. They often return to the scene of the crime. That was

one of things I've learned about the criminal classes over the years.

Very good. Who did they contact, to get a comment on this break in.

Michael Fagan. Michael Fagan. Who broke into the Queen's bedroom 30

years ago, sat on the edge her bed for an hour before she eventually

said, Might you like a cup of tea? I'll just ring for one. There's

somebody in my room and he'd like a cup of tea. They said that's very

dangerous because they said he sat on the edge of the Queen's bed. But

the edge of the Queen's bed is up to a quarter of a mile away from the

Queen. I can't believe people aren't breaking in the whole time to

Buckingham Palace. It's one of the few places where there's a flag to

tell you if anyone's home. I bet they don't cancel the milk or

anything. When they leave she goes. No, leave the flag up and one light

in the hall. I think the country was shocked by the burglary. How could

there by intruders into the palace? We were all shocked by it except for

Helen Mirren. She's probably thinking, that's another film I can

be in now. The Queen two: Who's In My House? Liam Neeson playing the

burglar. You were probably wondering how I got into the bedroom. How does

Aslan ever get anywhere - probably through the wardrobe. I thought you

were going to go with Taken instead. I have a specific set of skills.

That would be the adult film I only see child films. What is anyone

talking about? Perhaps Miles we weren't talking. Very good. At the

end of that round the points go to Miles, Hal and Andy. Now we play a

round called Set Your Phasers To Fun. This game involves Hal and

Gary. So, if you could make your way to the performance area, please.

This round is a stand-up challenge. I launch the wheel of news and

wherever it chooses to stop, one of our performers must talk about that

subject. The winner is whoever I think is the funniest. OK, here we

go, let's spin the wheel. The first subject is Building. Who wants to

come in on that? Building freaks me out a bit. Well, builders intimidate

me because I've had builders come to work at my house and they work for

two days, then go away for a week. And you end up making that phone

call and it makes me feel like a kid whose parents have split up. Dad is

being really crap. It's the same conversation. You said you'd come on

Saturday. You said you'd be here on Saturday. I'm sorry, mate, I've been

busy. I can make it on Tuesday. You promise you'll come on Tuesday? Can

we go to the park? I love you. They intimidate me. I've had a builder

come and give me a quote on a problem in my house and make it

worse in front of my face. Literally feeling my wall, going, feel that

damp, mate, it's soaking wet. I put a knife in. Watch it crumble. Look

at the plaster fall away from your wall. Look at the size of that hole

in your wall. That hole wasn't there when you arrived. It's massive. No

other job does that, no other job diagnoses a problem by making it

worse. Doctors don't go, I think you've got brittle bones mate, I do,

and then stamp on your leg. See that, mate. Your leg is like a twig.

I think you've got a dodgy heart. Boo. See, you're having a heart

attack. I actually tried to help this builder finish our kitchen. And

attack. I actually tried to help he stopped and went, mate. I jumped

because I had been momentarily transfixed by the beauty of the

bubble in the spirit level. He just stopped. Seriously, mate,

leave it, you don't know what you're doing. I'll finish it off. And that

night I had a dream that I was making love to my wife and he walked

in and said, seriously, mate, leave it, you don't know what you're doing

I'll finish it off. OK, Gary next, let's see what topic

you've got. Let's spin the wheel. The topic is childhood. As a child

I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog. My six-year-

old refuses to eat anything other than alphabetti spaghetti. Luckily,

he's dyslexic, so I just buy him normal spaghetti, it seems to work.

Dad these are all "L". Yeah, it's Welsh. I bought him some medicine

for his ADHD. On the side of the bottle it said concentrate, I

thought if he could do that. I bought a really nice 12-year-old

Scotch. Obviously his parents weren't pleased. I hate people who

complain about breast-feeding in public. I don't want to see it! Or,

that's disgusting, you can't do that, you're not a woman. And,

that's not a baby. As kids we always enjoyed dipping ginger nuts

into a hot cup of tea. But nowadays that's called bullying. I shouldn't

do that. Ginger jokes are the last of racism in comedy. They started a

Ginger Pride movement to stamp that shit out. They had a march in Hyde

Park. They were going to, but the sun came out. Nan always said that

when she was young she never needed to worry about leaving her back

door open. What a slag! I'm going to get in trouble with the family.

This is not worth it. You've got to look after your health as you get

older. The other day I did a poo and noticed there was a little

blood in it. I said, Bruv, get out of my toilet, innit! Well done to

both of you. Points to both of you. Our next round is called If This Is

The Answer, What is The Question? On the board are six categories.

Alistair, which category? I'll go for Sport. The answer is, 56 years,

what is the question? Is it Eddie Izzard's next challenge for Sport

Relief. I'm going to run for 56 years without stopping, in three

languages with a family of chinchillas. Is it when somebody

says they're 13 online, how old are chinchillas. Is it when somebody

they? Is it when is the next train to Morden via Bank? Is this how old

Dara will look when he's 45? It was just in jest. I was 45, 12 years

ago. Is it how long have BT been telling me my call is important to

them? Is it what is the age difference between the male and

female presenters on Sky Sports News? Is it how long is part two of

the Hobbit? How long does 56-year Ronseal woodstain last for? I don't

know about you guys, but this is the age of consent for my daughters.

Is it at the time of the Big Bang how long had Bruce Forsyth already

been alive? IMITATES BRIAN COX. Is it how long you could travel in

space with the right oxygen supply and just Dara for company? Thank

you. We'd both be very happy thank you very much. Is it how long is

the gap between each edition of the monthly magazine I'm No Good At

Maths? Is it pick an arbitrary length of time? Is it how much bad

luck if you break a glitter ball? Anyone know what 56 years might be

about? Is it the gap between Tokyo Olympics? It is. Brilliant. Yes,

the question I was looking for is, what will the gap between Olympic

games be for the newly announced 2020 host city Tokyo? This is the

news that Tokyo has beaten rivals Madrid and Istanbul to stage the

2020 Olympics and Paralympics. The last time the city hosted the

Olympics was in 1964. France is going to be pissed off. Japan's got

it. Spain didn't get it. Turkey didn't get it. Now Spain didn't

have any money. Turkey's next to a war zone and Japan's had some

nuclear melt down. And still Paris can't get the games. Aren't the

2020 Olympics for people with perfect vision? A bit harsh for the

2020 Paralympics blind events. The mascot for the 2020 Tokyo Olympics

has got to be Godzilla. Fantastic. They're all doing the sailing and

this mascot looms out of the sea. They'll break world records.

They'll never have sailed that quickly. They said that Fukushima

was no problem because its how far away is it? 100 miles away.So that

gives them lots of time to stop the mutant lizard from destroying the

opening ceremony. I didn't know Boris Johnson was going. So what

are the Japanese Government going to do about Fukishima? In my

experience these things tend to sort themselves out. Give them a

couple of million years, it'll be fine. This too shall pass. Ten

million years. I hope the rowers don't fall out of their boats into

the radioactive water. Double sculls. Yes. Coxless fours. No, the

Fukushima. They're going to build an ice wall to trap the water.

Because the water dripping out. Is it going to be solved by the X-men?

They're not going to build it with their minds. They have to do it

with a machine. Make ice walls with your breath. What does the ice wall

do? You did physics. It will block the bad things from getting into

the other place. I've made that a little bit more comprehensible.

They've actually restarted fishing off Fukushima, so you can now

apparently get real fish fingers and a cod drumstick. Which sports

are back in the Olympics that looked like they weren't going to

be in? Whaling. They'll be right back in with that. Kiss chase.Hide

and seek. They're doing that. Hide and seek. Somebody did actually

propose hide and seek. Iraq would win that. Which of David Cameron's

current favourite projects is coming under increasing criticism

at the moment? This is the HS2 high-speed rail link between London

and Birmingham. The National Audit Office has said that its based on

assumptions that don't actually tally with real life and I'm

guessing one of those assumptions, is the idea that anybody wants to

get to Birmingham in a hurry. They keep talking about the spiralling

costs and I think why build it as a spiral? Surely if they just build

it flat. We should be proud of our rail network because the British

rail network is fabulous. The British trains provide unparalleled

views of the British countryside, often without the blurring effects

of velocity. Apparently its going to cost £80 billion. And you're

thinking surely it would be cheaper to find anybody who wants to get to

Birmingham in a hurry and just buy them a house in Birmingham. For £80

billion, you could knock down Birmingham and build it closer to

London. At the end of that round the points go to Alistair, Hugh and

Gary. Now Scenes We'd Like To See. If everyone can make their way over

to the performance area. I'll read out this week's topics then we'll

see what our panellists come up with. The first subject is Unlikely

Things For A Sports Commentator To Say. And the starting pistol has

gone off and Oscar Pistorius has got his arms in the air, claiming

his innocence already. It's good news here in Flushing Meadows.

Murray has broken Djokovic, both legs, one arm, he won't recover

from that. Clearly that's a dive by Tom Daley. AS ADRIAN CHILES. So its

one-all at half-time, and sorry, I'm finding it hard to concentrate

here. Gareth Southgate has had me in absolute stitches. And that's an

unfortunate wardrobe malfunction for the Ukrainian woman shot putter.

As a bollock pops out. Do you know I've completely forgotten when

England won the World Cup. 130 kilograms, this would be a world

record. But this small Peruvian is determined to swallow it and get it

through customs. And as he approaches the corner at 200mph,

they really need to check out this cyclist for drugs. And as a mark of

respect the Great Britain water polo team will be wearing armbands.

Croquet does not get better than this. My watch has three additional

minutes. Don't buy a Rolex from a street market. Hello, I'm Michael

Owen. Welcome to the millions of you watching on BT Sport. And he's

got four off one ball. That's a lot of children that Lance Armstrong

has fathered. And the sumo wrestler grunts as his opponent enters the

ring. I'm pretty sure that move is illegal. It's 1:30 and the covers

are still on. Kevin Pietersen simply won't get out of fucking bed.

And Tiger Woods is going for his third hole of the afternoon. Surely

by now he should have left the hotel. And welcome to the 2020

Tokyo Olympics Sailing Competition. Oh, Godzilla! OK, the next topic is

Commercials That Never Made It To Air. I wipe my arse with Colgate.

And now I've got a ring of confidence. If it tastes like

butter, and spreads straight from the fridge, you've probably had a

power cut. Condoms. Because if the fridge, you've probably had a

she'd sleep with you, she'd sleep with anyone. Ryanair. Because I'm

worth shit. As Leader of the Labour party, I always like to look my

best. It's very important to me to have a smooth finish. Which is why

I use the Mach 4. As I often say, that was a close shave, wasn't it,

Gromit?' Frosties. They're all right. New BG from Garnier

exfoliates, hydrates, epilates, urinates. Probably not that last

one. Unlimited minutes, texts, and music downloads. Yes, It's our new

Twat On A Train tariff. Have a break, have a wank. Maybe she's

born with it. In which case, I probably shouldn't take the piss.

Bekele has to walk five hours every day for fresh water. Maybe that's

why she ought to be thinking about the new Mazda. Coco Chanel. Tastes

horrible, I'm sticking to Horlicks. Lidl. Because life didn't work out

as you planned. I'm Kevin Bacon doing an ad on British TV. What

happened?! Have you got that bloated uncomfortable feeling in

your stomach? Then try going for a shit. The DFS furniture sale is...

Not currently on. This Christmas get Mock The Week on DVD. Featuring

all the regulars. And coming up this week Andy Parsons. Well.

Milton Jones. Mm. And don't forget Micky Flanagan. East end of London.

Not forgetting Chris Addison. At the end of that round, the points

go to Alistair, Hugh and Gary. And that's the end of the show. This

week's winners are Andy Parsons, Hal Cruttenden and Miles Jupp.

Commiserations to Alistair McGowan, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.

Thanks for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.