Episode 1 Mock the Week

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This programme contains some strong language.

Hello, and welcome to Mock The Week.

I'm Dara O Briain. Joining me this week are Andy Parsons,

Katherine Ryan and Romesh Ranganathan,

Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We start with a game called Picture Of The Week.

I show the panel a topical image

and ask them to tell me what's happening.

So, everybody, what's going on here?

Is it Nigel Farage meets UKIP's youth wing?

Is it Nigel Farage attempts ill-advised Chinese impersonation?

Is it unnoticed by the two men, the assassin slips behind them?

He gave the candidate the Vulcan death grip.

Farage looks like he's going,

"He thought he'd win(!)"

He looks like he's pointing at the button that activates him.

If you press the yellow button, casual racism comes out.

Is it, "To hear the UKIP manifesto, pull my finger"?

Is he, in fact, just introducing the winner of the UKIP Best In Show?

Is that bloke behind a bouncer

and he's saying, "No, you can't come in, see how you like it"?

In submission, who is this?

-Is he not... He's called Roger Helmer.

-That's the chap.

He's the UKIP candidate for Newark in the Newark by-election.

In which they came second. So why he's pointing like that -

he's presumably going, "Loser!"

Yes, it's a picture of Nigel Farage and the UKIP candidate

for the recent Newark by-election, Roger Helmer.

After recent victory in the European elections,

and council gains in the local elections,

UKIP went on to come second in this important by-election,

cutting the Tory majority by more than half.

How are we enjoying the Nigel Farage earthquake at the moment?

The fact that this man came second

and has been deemed the Picture of the Week,

is an example of how it is UKIP have managed to do as well as they have.

-There is a touch of that.

-They are slightly over-represented

by this particular television channel.

Would you...

I think it's that simple.

Could you, for example, name the winner of the Newark by-election?

-No! I understand he was a member of the Conservative Party.

-Yeah.

But they're not nearly as exciting.

Can you tell us where Newark is?

That is an excellent question.

It's just outside New Jersey, isn't it(?)

"Newark" is actually an anagram of Nigel Farage's nickname.

LAUGHTER AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE

What?

Krawen?

I love the way that they clapped at different times,

depending on how quickly they got it.

Get up to speed, for God's sake!

I think people quite like Nigel Farage

because he's a bit of a colourful character,

which is ironic.

Also, to defend him,

he's in no way a closet racist.

A closet racist is someone who doesn't like people from Narnia.

I think the thing we should be talking about is immigration

because it's a good thing he's put it on the table

because a lot of Europeans are coming into the country

and taking jobs that my parents worked so hard to steal in the '70s.

And on behalf of the Irish, we were quite irritated at the time,

because we'd done a good job of nicking those jobs in the '50s

and then you arrive here, waving spices and whatnot,

and we had no response to that.

If UKIP get in, it is you who are in trouble

because taking jobs from British people is their big worry.

This will be Mock The Week with Sue Barker.

Is she the natural second choice?!

When I finally get deported, it'll be Sue Barker

-doing my job?

-Yeah.

I think you'll find, though, it was the spices from the East

and the Irish cuisine that joined together to form the potato wedge.

A beautiful thing.

Nigel Farage said there was going to be a flood of Bulgarians

and Romanians coming over on New Year's Day.

Turns out there is now, in fact, 4,000 less Bulgarians and Romanians

in the country now than there were last year.

So obviously the Bulgarians and Romanians who were in the country

suddenly heard that all these other Bulgarians and Romanians

were coming to Britain and they thought, "That's why I left

"the country in the first place! I'm off!"

It works both ways, though,

and the British are even sneakier at getting into countries.

I keep having British children.

They sneak in through my body...

-HIGHPITCHED ENGLISH ACCENT:

-..and then they talk like this way...

-NORMAL ACCENT:

-..and they love queueing

and they eat beans on toast.

I don't know where they're coming from.

I think you need to address your open-door policy.

I thought you were laughing at me a couple of seconds ago

but you just thought of that and were laughing at yourself

-and waiting to say it.

-I'm really quite pleased with myself.

To be honest, he's still laughing at potato wedges.

He's on a bit of a run at the moment.

When Farage made these racist comments about Romanians on LBC,

he blamed the fact that he was tired,

and you're thinking, "If tiredness is an excuse for racism,

"the Metropolitan Police must be bloody knackered, mustn't they?"

The other thing was, he felt uncomfortable on trains.

He got a train out of London

and he would hear foreign languages being spoken.

If you're in the train out of London,

and the ticket officer came on suddenly started going...

HE RANTS IN GERMAN

..you would wake up and go, "Wah! It was all a dream!

"We didn't win the war! Oh, no..."

Is that just an excuse to show off your variety of accents?

I have lots of accents...

Maybe you'd like to hear my Spanish accent? "Hola..."

It's quite beautiful.

The issue that I have is that, you know, UKIP sort of attracting

votes from the elderly,

this is who are increasingly supporting them,

and the thing is, you get worried because you think,

"Well, I've had more racist experiences from elderly people,"

and you can sort of understand how this comes about,

but I think that elderly people should just be allowed to be racist

because they've got enough shit going on in their lives

without having to re-educate themselves.

"I pissed myself, I've got two false hips

and now I can't say 'darkie'..."

I'm quite happy to bump into an elderly person

and just give them the old wobble-head to make them feel...

I don't mind that UKIP's on telly all the time,

even though they've got no MPs in the House of Commons,

cos, Dara, you've got no MPs in the House of Commons

-and you're on telly all the time.

-All right!

But I have an inclusive manifesto.

Moving on - which top Tories have angered David Cameron this week?

-His children.

-No.

They probably have.

-Michael Gove.

-It is Michael Gove, and...?

-Theresa May.

-Yes, and Theresa May.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

It looks like, "Say sorry to your sister.

"Say sorry to your sister.

"You are NOT getting any tea until you say sorry to your sister."

I think we should give them credit,

because for him to get to that position

and have a face that is that punchable...

I think is an achievement.

What was the story? Why are they...

It's an argument about supposedly dangerous extremism

-in Birmingham schools.

-Yes.

Surely everybody who's ever grown up in Birmingham

has thought about blowing up most of Birmingham at some point or another?

It's caused big problems in Birmingham.

Community problems, the radicalisation of schools

and one side against the other. There was this brilliant thing

in the Guardian which said...a community leader said

there was a wider concern that there may be a witch-hunt against Muslims,

and the phrase, which he may want to reconsider,

he said, "In which case,

"all STAKEHOLDERS will need to work together."

It's not nice to have another culture imposed on you at school.

I remember when I was rushed to hospital with 80% Chinese burns.

I would have thought the key to

whether a school is being radicalised,

the clue is in the Nativity play,

when the Three Wise Men come from the East

and are found to be on false passports

and they're arrested under the prevention of terrorism.

I think having religious extremism taught in schools,

it doesn't really do anyone any harm.

I had religious schooling when I was a child

and I feel perfectly well integrated with you...hideous Proddy dogs.

Do you find you get on with this vermin perfectly well?

Well, they're all going to hell when they die, so it's fine,

and we'll laugh at them from Catholic heaven.

And what suggestion have they made for Ofsted inspectors?

How should they change the way they do this?

They said that they were going to have dawn raids,

which I thought was probably unlikely to yield many results

given that schools don't open at dawn.

If you go in at dawn, there's just like a janitor going...

"What are you doing? We don't open for another two hours."

-Was he...?

-"Yes, I'm on a gondola."

-More canals...

-They've got more canals than Venice.

This is how janitors get to work in Birmingham.

They ride the canals.

At the end of that round, the points go to Romesh, Katherine and Andy!

APPLAUSE

Our next round is called Newsreel.

We play a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news

and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.

This week's clip features David Cameron

and the England football squad.

"Oh, good morning, you must be..."

"Roy Hodgson, that's right, yeah."

"I'm the Prime Minister, I'm not quite sure why I'm here,

"my driver dropped me off this morning.

"I was hoping you might be able to elucidate for me."

"Well, certainly, we're heading off to the jungle very soon and..."

"I understand you're off to the jungle. I love that programme."

"You must be Ant and you must be Dec.

"I love the bush tucker trials.

"I've had to swallow a lot in my career. Yes.

"My pride mainly, at the European elections."

"No, you've misunderstood Prime Minister. It's football.

"This is Daniel Sturridge, our centre forward."

"Lovely to meet you. No idea who you are.

"So tell me, what will the crowds be like at the World Cup?"

"Well, Brazilians, mainly."

"How will you know? Will they not be wearing shorts?"

"So who did you say you were, mate?"

"Rickie Lambert."

"No, doesn't ring any bells.

"One, two, nine, 12, 26...

"Nope, that doesn't work."

"Anyway, there I was, I slipped and then Demba Ba scored

"so that was it for the Premiership, yeah."

"Yeah, I saw that, yeah, that was hilarious."

"Yeah, but at least we didn't come seventh."

"So, Wayne, what do reckon to the group?"

"What do you reckon to Costa Rica?"

"Well, I like 'em, but I normally go to Cafe Nero."

"This is what happens when they score."

"You trot back to the halfway line,

"you go this way to abuse the referee,

"and then this way to tell the linesman to fuck off."

"Very good, James, very good, but just tell me one thing,

"does my paunch look big in this?"

"Anyway, here we go, that's me, Rickie Lambert, pass the ball

"to Rickie. Rickie, Rickie's ball, Rickie. I'm Rickie Lambert,

"I'm here on merit, pass the ball. I'll show you what I can do.

"Oh, bollocks!"

Well done, Hugh.

Now we play a round called The Archbishop of Banterbury.

This game involves Romesh and Milton.

So if you could make your way to the performance area, please.

This round is a stand-up challenge.

I launch the Wheel of News and wherever it chooses to stop,

one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.

The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.

OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.

So the first subject is Going Out. Who wants to come in on that?

I don't like going out.

I don't like going out because I don't look as good as I used to

and I worry about it. I've put on weight,

and I think, "Oh, I don't look all right."

And then I think, "Hold on a minute, I'm married.

"I don't need to look good."

I just need to look better than the prospect of single parenting.

And I think I've got that in the tank, you know what I mean?

I went out a while ago, I went out a while ago,

I was out with my friends. We're all in our 30s.

We look like awful tribute acts of us in our 20s.

There's guys there, they're in their 20s

looking ripped and amazing,

and I'm thinking, are they going to make us feel bad,

make us feel awkward,

are they going to make us feel like we're stepping on their turf?

The truth is, they ignore us. Of course they do.

Why should they care? You see a pride of lions hunting gazelle,

they're not going to give a shit when a three-legged hyena rocks up.

It comes to the end of the night, this absolutely gorgeous girl

walks up to me, does not break eye contact for a second,

I said, "Hello, this is happening."

I can phone my wife, tell her I've still got it.

The girl walks up to me, says to me, no word of a lie, "Taxi for Rachel."

Thank you very much, Romesh.

OK, that leaves us with Milton.

Let's see what topic you've been left with, spin the wheel.

The topic is Romance.

I met my wife on the net.

We were both rubbish trapeze artists.

It's terrible, isn't it, when someone doesn't want to live with you

any more. A part of you is thinking you won't survive in the real world.

A part of you is thinking at least I will be rid of your drunken arguing.

Ladies and gentlemen, we need to let the Scottish people go.

Any Scottish people here?

SCATTERED CHEERS

You can go.

A girl came up to me the other day, going...

# Footloose, footloose... #

then her foot fell off.

I tried to impress a girl once by putting my foot down on the pedal.

It turns out she'd seen a bin open like that before.

A girl came up to me once and she said,

"You know I can tell someone's personality by what kind of car they drive."

I said, "I haven't got one."

So, lads, so, lads, do you ever get given a job to do

and you deliberately do it really, really badly so you never get

given that job again?

I mean, I hardly know CPR anyway.

My wife is giving me the silent treatment at the moment,

lying there day after day.

She's beginning to smell a bit now.

OK, points to both of you there, come on back.

All right, the next round is called

If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

On the board are six categories.

Katherine, which category would you like?

Sport.

OK, your category is Sport. And the answer is "32 days".

What is the question?

Is it at what age was Romesh able to achieve a full beard?

It's a celebration. It's a celebration of your culture.

Is it, according to the people who I recently bought a couch from,

how long is ten working days?

Is it, due to BBC budget cuts, how far into the future

is Doctor Who going to be travelling in the next series?

How long was my friend Leigh in hospital

when we saw the sign for Burnley?

Is it how would Joey Essex describe a fortnight?

Is it the total amount of time that an average Big Brother contestant

has spent in full-time education?

How long does it take the Elephant Man to exfoliate?

-GROANS

-Oh, what, yeah?

Too soon.

According to his tax return,

how many days did Gary Barlow work last year?

Is it the number of days before One Direction

can safely give a urine sample?

Is it, can you think of a rhyme for Songs Of Praise?

They are really going to...

I think I have actually, genuinely lost my mind.

OK, we need to move towards a correct answer.

What length of menstrual cycle would keep you permanently nervous?

Is it how long the World Cup is going to last?

Yes, it is. Very, very good. Thank you very much, Katherine.

Yes, of course. The question I was looking for was,

how long will the 2014 World Cup tournament last?

This is the 20th World Cup that kicked off in Brazil tonight.

Tonight, I feel awful for reminding you of that.

And thus the last 15 viewers go, "Oh, I'd forgotten."

Are you all looking forward to the World Cup?

Are you going to enjoy it?

The heat is going to affect us in the first game.

Apparently they are worried the heat is going to affect

decision-making capabilities.

Now, let's face it, Wayne Rooney's decision-making capabilities

weren't at their strongest anyway.

"Wife or prostitute? Wife or prostitute?

"Prostitute. Young or old? Young or old?"

I can confirm it's true. I've made some big mistakes in Ibiza.

They're apparently going to lose ten pints of fluid.

You're thinking, if Wayne Rooney plays 90 minutes,

he's going to evaporate.

The worry about that, though...

-(SLURS)

-..is that they will consume ten pints of fluid

before they go on.

Presumably they realise that doesn't have to be beer.

It doesn't have to be beer, but it has to be beer for the joke, Dara.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

How are the Brazilians going to make sure fans are safe?

Not at all. They keep themselves safe with giant Robocop costumes

but I don't see how that helps the fans.

The idea is that because Brazil is riven by riots,

they are presenting their new crowd control outfits,

which for some reason were presented in a Regency drawing room.

MIMES A STRING QUARTET PLAYING

"You have ten seconds to comply!"

That is, in fact...

"But Mr Darcy, with this new riot shield..."

It is in fact the new janitors' uniform at Birmingham schools.

He won't be able to punt to school in that.

Difficult to get the arms out.

They've got policemen in these Robocop suits,

but please God they've told the policemen

they're not actually Robocop.

The idea is that there's face recognition software

-they'll be able to use.

-What, like eyes?

Sorry, are you saying that

Brazilian policemen don't know what a face looks like?

No, specific faces, not just...

"Arse, elbow, face."

But I think this is, "Bad guy, bad guy," the face will come up.

But I would love that,

if I was able to wear something that would just, in my ear, go,

"That's Diane, she's a friend of your girlfriend's sister."

That kind of thing.

Yes, I have to say,

it doesn't feel like the country's got football fever in any kind of,

there aren't taxis with the George's Cross in the window,

there's a lot less of that than there used to be.

The only piece of really exciting memorabilia we found,

I think it was on sale in ASDA during the week, this is great.

It's great for a number of reasons, not least the name of it,

which we can show, it's called "wearing flag".

As in, "I've got me wearing flag!"

-Not wearable?

-Not wearable, not to be worn. "Me wearing flag."

Then you actually get the flag out.

It may seem slightly transgressive to any of you watching in Ireland,

I will now drape myself in the English flag,

but trust me, it is worth it

because it has been slightly, slightly controversial, this one,

for a reason, I can't quite figure

why this has been as controversial as it has been.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That is...

I can't see any,

any kind of negative connotations of this at all(!)

I'll tell you what, that Gandalf's let himself go, hasn't he?

Romesh, if you were walking down the street and a number of men,

enthusiastic English supporters,

happened to be walking down the street towards you,

they've just been to ASDA,

they'd also bought the burnable lawn crosses.

It's bizarre!

"Oh, you'll find the Death Star will be quite operational

"when your friends arrive."

APPLAUSE

That's fantastic!

-ROMESH:

-The thing that's so difficult is, you...

LAUGHTER

You look racist but you look so adorable.

APPLAUSE

What would help is if you had a flake

sticking out the side of your head.

OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and Milton.

APPLAUSE

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See,

so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area,

I'll read out this week's topics

and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

OK, here we go.

The first subject is...

I know we didn't follow through on all that bollocks we said before,

but this time we REALLY mean it!

We in the Green Party think we've had a cracking election.

Nobody's voted for us, but they've

put all the electoral literature from us in the correct recycling bin.

APPLAUSE

We will get rid of obesity

by making the doors to chip shops really narrow.

I visited a factory today.

And the man let me ride on the forklift. It was good.

We are not a racist party.

Though we are throwing a racist party tonight for Nigel's birthday.

Farage, this is my bunk bed.

UKIP on the top bunk.

APPLAUSE

For goodness' sake, Boris,

when we said "press the flesh with the electorate,"

we meant shake hands.

I'm probably going to vote Lib Dem.

APPLAUSE

I think the best way for me

to explain why you should vote Conservative

is with this rap.

Nick Clegg has demanded a recount. Here we go.

One. Happy now?

The public have spoken.

And they said that I'm a knob.

We will shorten the waiting list for eye operations

by building hospitals on the far side of busy roads.

We plan to replace the glass ceiling for women

with something much easier to clean.

APPLAUSE

OK, the next topic is...

-GRAVELLY VOICE:

-One man...

fights his greatest peril.

Laryngitis.

APPLAUSE

Troy, certificate 15.

If you're too young, why don't you make a giant wooden adult...

APPLAUSE

Jennifer Aniston and Adam Sandler in...

Well, doesn't matter, does it? It's going to be shit anyway.

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

A UKIP film presentation -

101 Damn Asians.

APPLAUSE

Tom Cruise in the most ludicrous sci-fi thriller yet -

a Scientology documentary.

This summer, Russell Crowe is...

punching people.

Randomly. In...

the face.

From the makers of Cocka 1...

HE CAWS

Cocka 2.

Do you want to build a snowman?

Do you want to have the words to Let It Go in your head

all the time until you die?!

Then come see Frozen.

I dare you!

Thor. You'll be amazed at how many problems can be solved

by a big man with a massive hammer.

APPLAUSE

I Can't Read Productions presents...

Salmon Fishing in the Semen... Yemen.

"Look! An ancient African city!"

From the makers of Timbuk 1...

APPLAUSE

Russell Crowe stars as Bob Marley.

The accent's so offensive you won't even care that he blacked up.

APPLAUSE

No, this isn't The Day The Earth Stood Still.

It's just that you're in Norfolk.

Tom Cruise! Explosions! A flash of boob!

That'll do you.

Despicable Me 3 -

now starring, as the arch-villain Gru,

Dara O Briain.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

"It looks like a runner bean, only smaller."

From the makers of Mange 1...

APPLAUSE

"I only told you to blow the bloody door off!"

In cinemas now, The Oscar Pistorius Story.

GROANING, LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and Milton.

APPLAUSE

And that's the end of the show.

This week's winners are Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Commiserations to Andy Parsons,

Katherine Ryan and Romesh Ranganathan.

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.