Episode 2 Mock the Week

This programme contains some strong language

Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.

Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Sara Pascoe

and Josh Widdicombe,

Rob Beckett, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.

We start tonight with a game called Picture Of The Week.

I show the panel a topical image for the week, so teams,

here's your picture but why has this man been in the news this week?

Has someone just said to him,

"Give me one good reason why Labour won't win the General Election"?

I think he's swallowed some milk

and he's going to do his impression of the human zit.

What this seems to be saying to me is he's going,

"If you want to hear crap, this is where it comes from."

Well, actually, they say that the distance between a man's thumb

and his forefinger is the likelihood of him

ever getting elected Prime Minister.

Is he about to demonstrate how he thinks gay men have sex?

And they don't do that. They don't do it.

They have no interest in them at all.

You know, just for the once,

you'd just go, "Come on. We'll just do it once." Boing! Yeah!

Dara, you're there in the background. Can't you tell us what he said?

I'm getting scared.

It's not me! You can't...

I'm sorry, the Lookey-Likey Dara Game is quite clear, right?

You can't just point to any large bald man and go...

You don't know he's large. He's about three foot, by the look of it.

I think what he's doing, he's going, "I am the Phil Neville of politics."

I'm going to accept that as a correct answer.

Yes, it is the Labour leader Ed Miliband in the news this week,

as he's been attacked by the press

and some Labour MPs for the latest in a series of perceived gaffes.

What's the latest one?

A photo was taken of him holding a copy of The Sun, wasn't it,

-which was sent to every house in Britain?

-Yes.

It's quite a sad picture, isn't it?

He looks like a teenager who's looked at Page 3

and he's hiding his boner, really, doesn't he?

All the leaders did them and this was regarded as being...

Well, because of Labour's links with Liverpool, that was regarded

as an offence to people there but also in this regard.

They were all doing it - essentially an ad for The Sun, I mean,

Clegg did one as well. The one I think... He got the grief.

This is really freaky one - the Osborne one, the Osborne...

That's just bizarre.

Who holds the paper like that?

You know, he should have a Waffen-SS thing on his hand, going,

"These are your papers! Your papers!"

Do you know what it looks like? You know, when someone's taken hostage

and they have to prove it by holding up a copy of today's paper?

What year? What year is it? It's this year.

Actually, this was quite interesting

because they didn't put Page 3 in The Sun that they gave out...

They obviously did have a third page, but they didn't... "One, two,

"the news is finished!" No, they didn't put Page 3 in them

because it would be offensive to some families.

It's interesting, cos you know there's this organisation called

No More Page 3 because they think it's objectification,

and children see it, and women uncomfortable on public transport.

Other people are saying, "Why are feminists oppressing other women?

"We live in the Western World, they choose to do this job,

"they wouldn't have a livelihood if you took it away,"

and I think I've solved it.

What we do is we make Page 3 like jury duty.

So every woman over the age of 18 now has to do Page 3.

And you just wake up one day, there's a letter,

"Dear Sara, please

"come to The Sun offices at 9am, bring some snazzy pants

"and a pithy quote about Syria."

And you just don't want to go.

Imagine the day you buy The Sun and it's your mum.

That's the high price...that's the high price we pay for our freedoms.

Your mum's baps occasionally will have to appear on Page 3.

I apologise to Josh's mum.

I hope that makes the edit. That would be the proudest moment

of her life when she goes, "Dara O Briain apologised to me on TV.

"I know," she says, rearranging her baps.

Les Dawson...

I apologise again...

to all women for that motion.

I'm not sure what that's supposed to indicate.

I don't get them holding The Sun. Why is Ed Miliband holding The Sun?

PR people should get them in The Sun, do you know what I mean?

If you can't get them in the proper page...

At least, "Dear Deidre, I betrayed my brother, now he won't talk to me.'

I'm bored of them keep banging on about his gaffes -

how many houses has he got?

I don't care where he lives.

The Independent ran with that picture...

ran with the headline, an unbelievable headline,

"Miliband fails to look normal while eating a bacon sandwich."

That was the news in The Independent that day.

I like... They said his advisors stepped in.

I just imagine they stepped in and, like, they're...

Neeooaarr!

Open wide, Ed!

I think this is good PR for him, cos although, they actually say

that people who eat messily are very good lovers and also they're

covered in crumbs that you can use for snacks if you're hungry.

What does it matter if he can't eat a bacon sandwich?

My dad's well good at eating sandwiches,

but he'd be shit running the country.

He upset everyone, didn't he? Because he upset people by eating it

badly and looking unpleasant and he also upset the Jewish community

of which he is part by eating a bacon sandwich.

For his next PR, he might just as well hold up

a picture of Margaret Thatcher and eat a packet of Frazzles on Ramadan.

What about the... What other gaffes has he...

is he purported to have made?

He was asked to estimate how much the average family

spent on food shopping.

And his answer was, "That depends how much you're spending,"

which is right, it is the right answer.

And everyone went off on one and then they said

they wanted a number figure and he said between £75 and £80.

And then they went, "Oh, no, actually, "you're out of touch,

"it's £100."

If he'd said £150 pounds, we'd be tearing a strip off him.

"Oh, what are you eating? Caviar?"

It's like when you're guessing someone's age,

you always go under what you think the answer is.

Always go lower. "I'd say you're 50, 55."

"What? I'm still in the school uniform!"

The reason it was so cheap was... is, in fact, what he does is

he buys a lot of reduced price stuff

that is way past its sell-by date in case his brother comes to visit.

My theory is that he probably doesn't do the shopping, he doesn't

do the shopping, and even if he does go to the shop, he probably

hasn't got any money because he's always brought The Wrong Trousers!

I had to think about that joke for quite a long time

before I launched it.

I don't want him to know

how much groceries are, like, I know that. I want him to know about

things I don't understand, like the economy, healthcare and spelling.

We spend too much in my house because my boyfriend's

obsessed with Nectar points so he doesn't... He buys whatever

gives you extra Nectar points

because he thinks if there's an apocalypse,

Nectar points are going to outlast sterling as currency.

-He might be right.

-You can't do that because technically

you're an unsecured creditor of the supermarkets.

Cos I got wiped out on my Nando's Card.

I'd built up two chickens and then they changed the points system.

-I was livid.

-Are they allowed to do that?

-Hope you're watching, Nando's.

I haven't been back since. I'm a man who takes chicken very seriously.

If that was a joke, you would have said more than two chickens.

It was clearly so small an amount that that came from the heart.

There is no humour there - that is just genuine anger.

I'm not so bothered about social justice and the NHS,

but if I'm owed a free chicken, I bloody well want a free chicken.

What has Boris Johnson splashed out on this week?

He's bought two things called Ziegler Wasserwerfer 9000s.

He has bought the Ziegler Wasserwerfer 9000s.

They are water cannon. He's bought two water cannon.

I am hoping it's going to be like Boris bikes

and you can rent them out and ride them around.

Driving up to your neighbour's barbecue, going, "Hello, Terry,

"no invitation for me again, I see.

"Those sausages are coming along very well."

Or put Fairy Liquid in it and have a foam party.

Surely the best way to stop a riot with a water cannon would be

to put some Radox in it and everyone just relaxes.

He said the reason he was getting them is cos he thought they

could have been used to protect the fireman during the riots in 2011,

as if, of course, the firemen didn't have

their own high projectile water machine they could have used.

I reckon he got really drunk and just bought it off eBay.

That's happened to me.

I've got a pair of roller skates and a windsurfer in my shed.

Windsurfer. That's a man.

Yeah, I know. What can I do?

Does he ever put on the roller skates

and you just hear him just roller skating around the...

You're laughing, but the bloke in your garage

is bloody furious, I tell you.

What's he doing in there, he's in the shed, isn't he?

He's moved!

Do you have to move him around every so often?

Yeah, cos otherwise you get a spare bedroom taxed.

If Boris Johnson ever offers to show you his water cannon, say no.

And, Boris, if you're watching, I don't want your money,

I just think you should see our kid.

At the end of that round, the points go to Rob, Hugh and Gary!

Now, we play a round called #wheelofnews #funny #LOL.

This game involves Rob, Sara and Gary.

If you could make your way to the performance area please.

This round is a stand-up challenge,

I launch the Wheel of News and wherever it chooses to stop,

one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.

OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.

-The first topic is family. Who wants to come in on that?

-I'll do it.

-Rob.

I went shopping with my nan the other day.

She's a very straight talker, my nan, very Southeast London.

We went to the shops and I said,

"Get yourself some trousers, they're on special."

She went, "Nah, its all right, son, got enough to see me out."

How depressing is that?!

Basing your fashion choices upon your life span.

She don't care though, she's quite modern -

she's on the internet and stuff.

She went, "I saw you on YouTube last Tuesday".

I was like, "Watch it when you want, Nan, it's not scheduled."

I had... Was that a weird fly? Oh...oh.

That was weird, wasn't it? That's me grandad having a go.

I went to visit her recently, her internet weren't working, right.

She went, "Can you sort my internet out?"

I went, "Show me how you normally log on,

"I'll see what you're doing wrong."

She went, "I click on the start button, I go up to programmes,

"I go into accessories..." I went, "That's wrong, but carry on."

"I go into games..."

I'm like, "Oh, God."

"I go into Solitaire, I play that for a bit, click on the cross

"and then I double click on Internet Explorer."

I'm thinking, "You could probably cut out the middleman, Nan."

And I was worried that she's at home thinking

she has to play Solitaire to get online.

"I need to send that e-mail, but I cannot

"face another card game, I'm sick of it."

The thing is, internet computer people are thinking

"Actually, Rob, that is the incorrect route to

"Solitaire on the latest version of Windows", and you're correct.

But she's on Windows 98 - we've not upgraded her, it'll see her out.

Well done, Rob.

OK, let's spin the wheel.

Subject is ageing, who wants to talk about that? Sara.

OK, so, I'm 33 years old, which is where magazines will

tell you that a woman has her sexual peak.

And I used to think that was a lie, that it was something they say

to younger women so they wouldn't be afraid of getting older.

"Oh, yes, you'll have a moustache and a slow metabolism,

"but you'll also be gagging for it all of the time."

And now I'm this age, and I do believe in it,

I think your body starts flooding with hormones because

you only have so much longer left to have a child.

Because that's it, I'm 33, and I've never had a baby.

I have had a tapeworm... it's not the same.

But the trouble that I'm having is my boyfriend's also my age,

and he's experiencing a lot less interest in sex,

he's having a sexual slump.

Apparently boys have a sexual peak when they're around 18,

and that is not fair, that is a horrible trick that nature

has played, because an 18-year-old doesn't want to have sex

with me any more than I want people to know that I've done that.

And it's not fair.

And it's not fair, because when I was a teenager,

I didn't particularly enjoy or understand sex,

and yet I had it all of the time.

Out of politeness, or to stay friends with someone,

or to say thanks for the lift.

Thank you very much, well done.

So that leaves us now with Gary, let's see what you've

been left with, Gary, let's spin the wheel.

The topic is shopping. Away you go.

I bought a slimming magazine in WH Smith's.

I didn't read it, I just wanted a big bar of Galaxy for a pound.

I bought some fancy pens at a nudist art shop.

Felt tips? No, but I touched a couple of bollocks.

I was in a lingerie shop, I said, "Are these knickers satin?"

He said, "No, they're new."

I went to buy a Christmas tree. The guy said,

"Are you going to put it up yourself?"

I said, "No, I was thinking the living room."

Bought a chameleon - lost it.

Why is it that when women go to the toilet in pairs,

no-one minds, but when I did it I got thrown out the greengrocers?

I got into a fight with my acupuncturist and stabbed him.

He said he'd never felt better.

According to the vet, my cat's in heat.

I didn't even know she was famous.

APPLAUSE

A friend of mine keeps going on

about how good his orthopaedic shoe is,

but I think he's built it up too much.

I bought an advent calendar for Jehovah's Witnesses.

Behind every door somebody tells you to fuck off.

Thank you.

All brilliant, but at the end of that round,

the points go to Gary Delaney!

Come on back.

CHEERING

The next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

On the board are six categories.

Sara, which category would you like?

-Sport, please.

-OK, very big at the moment, sport.

And the answer is 3 billion, what is the question?

Is the question how many sleeps are there

till England wins the World Cup?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Is it how many people on the planet would be

a better commentator than Phil Neville?

Is it how many people will have to die in the Middle East before

Tony Blair thinks that he might not be the best peace envoy there is?

Is it what percentage battery life

do I need on an iPhone to last all day?

Is it how many hairs were in the swing bin

at the end of Chewbacca's full body waxing?

JOSH LAUGHS LOUDLY

Is it the amount of adverts Joe Hart's been in?

Is it how many free chickens is Gary now going

to have delivered by Nando's?

Ho-ho! And I will do it.

You whore yourself out for free chicken.

Is it how many times has David Cameron said to

Nick Clegg, "Shhh, not now"?

OK, I'm going to move you towards the correct answer.

It's loads, it's how many people actually watched the World Cup.

Yes, absolutely right, very good, well done.

Well done, Sara.

Yes, how many viewers around the world

are claimed to be tuning into the World Cup?

This is the predicted figure of worldwide viewers,

with some estimating it will reach as high as 3.5 billion.

FIFA expects the tournament to be the most watched TV event ever.

At the time of recording, we don't know the result of

England's second game against Uruguay,

which possibly determines whether or not

you reach the tournament's knockout stage, and certainly determines

the mood of a lot of people watching the show at the moment, so...

mmm, sad face, happy. It's difficult to know where to go on this,

to be honest, so best of luck, hard luck, you know, them's the breaks.

I can't stand it!

LAUGHTER

What, you can't stand winning a match as successfully as that?

Oh, yes, that's right, I love it.

I'm sure the fans don't really matter what the score was,

as long as everyone tried their best.

Right, guys? Right, guys?

High-five, yeah, high-fives, everybody.

Some things aren't worth joking about.

What's the betting that somebody said to Wayne Rooney,

"Uruguay", and he said, "Yeah, I know, and Coleen's a girl."

Didn't they try and acclimatise? And one of the ways

was by eating really hot curries. And apparently Sturridge likes

a vindaloo, Gerrard likes a madras

and Rooney prefers a plain nan.

AUDIENCE: Ohh!

It was like ten years ago, when are we going to forget it?

This show will never forget things like that.

They are changing lots of things about football this year,

and I think we could move that a bit further.

I've got suggestions how we can improve the World Cup.

So for instance, listen up, when someone gets a free kick,

they shouldn't have to use that on the ball.

They could use it on any of the other players or the ref.

Use it anywhere. Also, when there are substitutions,

I think that should be like online grocery shopping.

"Oh, you asked for Theo Walcott, but we couldn't find him...

"so we sent you retired cricketer Ian Botham."

Do you know what? I'd still vote for you ahead of Sepp Blatter.

-What other innovations have we seen in this World Cup?

-Spray foam.

-Spray foam.

-Love it.

Spray foam is magic, it's really good.

Because people genuinely think it's like a wall,

it magically creates a barrier, you go "Fff!"

and they go, "Oh!", like they're trapped in a crystal prison

like in Superman II. "Ahhhh, I'm trapped against the glass."

It does disappear pretty quickly, but if you're going to put

a white line in front of footballers, it's going to go.

I'm impressed that at no point

so far has anyone drawn a cock and balls with it.

-You'd think it would be inevitable.

-They'd not warned us about it,

so it just looked like he'd completely lost the plot.

Like how Vanessa started writing things in Big Brother?

"I can't deal with the pressure, I'm just spraying on the ground!"

Who was the talk of Twitter during England's first game?

-Mr Philip Neville.

-Yes, it was Phil Neville.

People were disappointed that he didn't have much charisma

as a co-commentator. This is Phil Neville.

No-one before that was going "What? My dream dinner party?

"Well, Martin Luther King, Gandhi, Philip Neville."

He's a very boring man, what do you expect?

The thing is, I felt sorry for him, you know,

because basically, he wasn't as good a footballer as his brother Gary.

He's not as good a commentator as his brother Gary.

You feel if Phil Neville entered a Phil Neville lookalike competition,

Gary would win that.

The only person who thinks that Phil is better than Gary is Ed Miliband.

And the choice of music, it's not a very inspiring piece of music.

The ITV music in particular is just a guy going # Brazil! #

And they've cut the rest of the song out. Like, it's a really good song,

really famous samba song, that one...

# Dun dun dun, dun-dun-dun dun dun Dun dun dun... #

"No, we don't want that bit,

"we just want the bit where you go # Brazil! # "

Obviously I love the Brazilian rhythms.

Yes, obviously, obviously,

I look at you and I think, "Here's a man who loves Brazilian rhythms."

I think "Josh Widdicombe"

and I think "the intoxicating samba rhythms of Brazil."

We see you backstage, Josh, where you wear that giant headdress

that comes all the way round.

"Hey, what are we talking about on the show today?

# Dun dun dun, dun-dun-dun dun dun Dun dun dun... #

# Na na na na Dun dun dun... #

Cheeky little look on your face.

I'm looking forward to when they watch this

and get you in for the final, it's going to be brilliant.

You sambaing across the ITV studios.

If they flew me to Brazil for the final I will wear the headdress.

# Dun dun dun, dun-dun-dun dun dun Dun dun dun... #

I would happily wear it.

I think if we had a whip round with this studio audience,

it could happen.

I'll just go to the beach behind the ITV Studios.

# Dun dun dun, dun-dun-dun dun dun Dun dun dun... #

"I will not go! I will not go!

"It's a public beach!" Just getting carried off.

# Dun dun dun, dun-dun-dun dun dun Dun dun dun...! #

Climbing up the glass window behind the BBC studio.

# Dun dun dun, dun-dun-dun dun dun Dun dun dun! #

I love that. I will do that.

The England football team, they had all their passport numbers revealed,

didn't they, they got given out. Apart from Wayne Rooney,

who doesn't in fact need a passport any more

since he's been chipped, so...

Poor old Wayne Rooney.

I feel sorry for him.

Wayne Rooney could have, half an hour ago,

scored a blistering hat-trick

and be the greatest, most beloved man in the country

and we're here still peddling the old stereotypes of Wayne Rooney.

I hope he hasn't scored a hat-trick and gone,

"I'm going to celebrate by watching my favourite show, Mock The Week!"

"I've rigged up a whole satellite thing in the dressing room.

"Come on, guys, let's watch Mock The Week in the dressing room."

"Oh, what a result!

"I wonder, has the good news has filtered through at home?"

"Oh, come on."

And next to him is Phil Neville going, "Awww!"

Ed Miliband's joined them in the dressing room.

-The boss of Nando's.

-You think the boss of Nando's,

Ed Miliband, Phil Neville and Wayne Rooney

-are on a night out in Rio tonight, watching the show.

-Damn right.

Our stock has never been higher!

# Dun dun dun, dun-dun-dun dun dun Dun dun dun... #

At the end of that round, the points go to Josh, Sara and Andy.

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.

If everyone can make their way over to the performance area, please,

I'll read out this week's topics

and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

OK, here we go. Our first subject is...

No-one's guaranteed a start in this England team.

The only thing that's nailed on is Wayne Rooney's hair.

Oh, that was a horrible two-footed lunge,

but it was the only way I could shut Phil Neville up.

And now our cameraman is going to pick out

some of the plainer girls in the crowd.

Let's have a look at possession -

yes, seven Colombians have been arrested for it.

Hang on. Sorry, it's just this one side is doing it all the time

And that is really unfair. I'm so sorry, right?

You're kind of hogging it a bit.

So for the rest of the round, I'm sorry, you're going to have to...

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

Things you won't hear at the World Cup.

# Dun dun dun, dun-dun-dun dun dun Dun dun dun... #

Sorry, excuse me.

This is the first time that most people

have ever seen Dara's legs, ladies and gentlemen.

That's Messi - oh, Messi! Yes!

Wayne Rooney should never have a half-time orange unsupervised.

There is little doubt now that Cristiano Ronaldo

is one of the world's all-time greatest twats.

Welcome to Sugar Loaf Mountain,

the hardest level on Candy Crush.

And that's a very soft tackle,

as Pele hasn't taken his tablets yet.

Is he the finished article? That's the question.

He did very well against Italy,

but Sterling has traditionally performed very badly

against the dollar and the yen.

And now we go over live for Nigeria against the Ivory Coast

and our commentator, Ron Atkinson.

You join us here in Brazil,

where it's still fucking well hot.

Hey, who's heard what's going on in Iraq?

There are six Brazilians in the wall, and two in the foundations.

That's the Mafia for you.

Four years later, Paul the octopus is back -

and what a stew he made!

Andrea Pirlo, the only player in world football to be named after

the Palestinian Liberation Organisation.

There you go. OK, the next topic is:

No, no, no, that's the FLOUR, Nigella.

You've got to be very careful when handling raw meat,

but if your wife does walk in, close the laptop,

pull up your trousers and feign ignorance.

The thing to remember when making your own pesto

is you're wasting your time.

So, pop in a lemon, shove in the stuffing, sew up the mouth,

and that should keep Gregg Wallace quiet for a bit.

No, I'm afraid those aren't bacon bits, I've just got

a bit of eczema at the moment.

If you add vodka into the tomatoes it really brings out the flavour,

and if you add it to your wine,

you can pass out before the kids get home.

You should be able to get the ingredients for this anywhere.

They are goat's horn, chervil,

and the frozen tears of an elf.

I'm Antony Worrall Thompson.

Today we're going to be needing salmon, noodles and parsley.

So I'm going to nip down to Tesco and shove them up me jumper.

That's enough cooking. Next up, we've got some twat trying to flog a book.

Mmm.

Does anybody know what's happening in Iraq?

Welcome to Chinese Meals In Minutes.

I'll have a 19 and some prawn crackers.

So alternatively, it's gas mark 4 for 20 minutes.

You're watching Dignitas Television.

This asparagus smells delicious.

Now imagine what it tasted like when I ate it yesterday.

After MasterChef, Celebrity MasterChef,

and MasterChef: The Professionals, now it's MasterChef:

The Only Five People In Britain Who've Not Been On MasterChef.

We'd like to apologise for the misprint in this week's Radio Times.

Paul Hollywood is, in fact, a massive COOK.

We only use the freshest ingredients

So this is Daisy, and this is a stun gun.

OK, at the end of that, the points go to Rob, Hugh and Gary.

And that's the end of the show. This week's winners are

Rob Beckett, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.

Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Sara Pascoe and Josh Widdicombe.

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.