Episode 3 Mock the Week

This programme contains some strong language

# Don't believe in everything

# You see or hear

# Read all about it

# Read all about it

# News of the world

# News of the world

CHEERING

# Read all about it

# News of the world

# News of the world. #

Hello, and welcome to Mock The Week.

I'm Dara O Briain.

Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Angela Barnes

and Josh Widdicombe.

Romesh Ranganathan, Hugh Dennis and Miles Jupp.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

We start with a game called Picture Of The Week.

I show the panel a topical image

and ask them to tell me what's happening.

So, everybody, what's going on here?

Is it the new series of Wife Swap?

Is this what Life Of Pi looked like before they added the CGI?

Is this a gay couple

showing Merkel and Cameron

they did actually cause the flooding?

I think he's more likely to be saying,

"So, we're agreed - three more days then we eat Angela."

Is it simply dogging for posh people?

"Row over to that one there.

"Hmm, you're doing an excellent job! Keep going, very good.

"We'll just tie up here."

What you can't see is Farage on the shore-side with his binoculars,

just going, "It's a boatload of immigrants!"

I don't think they're trying to get into Britain.

Are they saying, "So the rule is

"if she sinks she's a witch..."?

Is she saying, "David, this is neither the time nor the place

"to bring up the D-Day landings"?

Is it "Dara O Briain livid

"with the new cast for Three Men In A Boat"?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That's you.

To be honest, you know, lose a couple of pounds,

I could be the guy there with his back to you.

A couple of pounds(!)

All right, all right! No need for that.

Does anyone know what it actually is?

I think this is the European leaders out on a boat trip,

discussing this guy Jean-Claude Juncker's appointment

as the President of the European Commission.

Yes, I'll give you that. Well done. Thank you very much, Hugh.

APPLAUSE

Yes, this is a picture of David Cameron lobbying European leaders

to block the appointment of former Luxembourg PM Jean-Claude Juncker

as the new President of the European Commission.

Cameron continued his offensive this week,

demanding an unprecedented vote on Juncker's nomination.

The reason that we don't want him to be president

is because he's a federalist,

which are people who like Roger Federer.

-And their time has past.

-Yeah, their time is over.

We're not interested, we're not engaged.

I think they should combine

the election of the leader of the European Commission

with the Eurovision Song Contest.

How is combining two things that we're not interested in

going to make it...

Going to make it more interesting?

I think this guy would make a terrific President of the EEC.

Or a bad one. I don't...

It is difficult to make this both an interesting story

and an interesting opening round.

Hey, everybody! Finally, the chance

to do all those jokes you've wanted to hear

about the 19-year President of Luxembourg

Jean-Claude Juncker.

Just say "wanker" - we're all thinking it!

Doesn't Cameron need a candidate to replace him,

say, that Europe does love,

like Mr Bean or David Hasselhoff.

Yes, or Conchita Wurst, exactly that.

So he's a federalist and he comes from Luxembourg.

-Yeah.

-And we have nothing in common with Luxembourg,

except possibly, in the future, our FIFA ranking.

Cameron is basically trying to be tough against UKIP, isn't he?

He's going to try and show everybody that he's really tough.

Cos what happened was he made a mistake - he called UKIP...

He said all their supporters were fruitcakes, loonies,

and closet racists,

and then loads of people actually went out,

after he'd said that, and voted for UKIP.

It was like he'd described a large part of the British electorate.

There is a party for me - brilliant!

LAUGHTER

Don't you think it's ridiculous, though...

The reason UKIP did very well in the European Elections

is because everybody's worried about immigration.

What I don't understand about that

is why they think immigrants want to come here.

It's like immigrants have looked on Trip Advisor for Britain and gone,

-IN "FOREIGN" ACCENT:

-"Oh, yes.

"No, this looks good. Yes, it's cold, it's wet,

"they're shit at football - let's go there."

That was an incredible generic-immigrant accent there.

It's very good.

Tiny bit of Nigeria, tiny bit of the Indian subcontinent,

it's amazing how you got...

Detected a little soupcon of Sri Lankan.

And a tiny little bit of meerkat!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

In other news, what has David Cameron claimed

he can't get on holiday?

This is the idea that he can't actually get mobile phone reception

when he's on holiday in Cornwall.

He said that he couldn't actually hear President Obama

on the phone once,

and you're thinking surely that's just Obama, isn't it?

Going, "Oh, I can't be arsed to speak to Cameron...

"I'm losing you, David!

"I'm losing you! Goodbye."

It's a very kind of terrifying situation

that World War Three could break out

but David Cameron would not know and be at the Penzance otter sanctuary.

"Shall we invade Iran, David?"

"Sorry, I'm at Trago Mills doing my shopping."

Good West Country knowledge. That's excellent West Country knowledge.

-Have you been to Trago Mills?

-I've never been to Trago Mills.

What is it...please?

-It is a shop.

-Thank you.

It's a shop halfway down the A38

that sells cheap carpets and sports equipment

and it's also made to look like a mock Tudor castle

and it has peacocks roaming the grounds.

Trago Mills sounds like a bad guy from a Bond movie.

"Yes...you have crossed me once too often.

"You will rue the day you crossed Trago Mills."

-IN SINISTER VOICE:

-"I have cheap carpets

"and conservatory furniture."

I know that the point of this story

is to strong-arm mobile phone companies

into sharing masts and there's a technical element to it.

But it is a slightly ridiculous situation

that if I walk ten feet, I'm suddenly...

And all those times that Obama's ringing me

that I've got to return home

and, like, the local shopkeeper goes...

-WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:

-"You had a phone call -

"some Obama bloke.

"He said it's very sunny in Iraq."

Just shows you the different level of technology

between the two countries.

Obama's got Air Force One and The Beast.

And Cameron has got a Samsung Galaxy.

Do you think it got to the point

where Nick Clegg finally thinks that he's stepping up to the plate?

Cameron's on the phone - "My phone reception is a nightmare,

"we've got an important situation, Nick - I need you to step up,

"I need you to do the right thing.

"Can you get in touch with Vodafone and get this sorted out?"

Couldn't Obama just call him on the landline?

That does seem...

You seem to have cut through

the many levels of this story quite easily.

If he's on holiday with his family,

it might be that he doesn't want to give Obama his landline number

in case his mum answers.

"Oh, Mum, you're so embarrassing! He wants to talk to me, not you!"

The honest truth is Obama doesn't call him.

Why does he want to take work calls when he's on holiday?

He's on holiday, for heaven's sake - Obama shouldn't be ringing him when he's on holiday,

he should be more bloody respectful.

And secondly, we don't want him answering work calls -

he's on holiday, he needs to relax

and get himself into the right state of mind for running the country.

You don't want him making phone calls about policy

while he's trying to prevent his children squeezing sun cream

into the car radio or something.

It does look like the most boring...

I mean, I've been on some bad holidays,

never have I gone, "What did we get up to?

"Sat with our backs to the beach and enjoyed a bottle of water."

It's actually a very exciting game they play

where they just sit there for hours

and see which one tries to re-hydrate themselves first.

It would be magical. In other news,

what has the government promised motorists this week?

They've said that if your ticket machine is broken,

then you can just park there.

which is basically going to lead to people getting to the ticket machine,

seeing they've got no change,

getting the baseball bat out of the back of their car...

"I got no change but I do have a baseball bat."

What sort of impulse purchase is that?

"Just...just a bar of chocolate, please.

"Hello? Are they baseball bats you have there?"

I do think it's a weird strategy -

what you're saying is "We're going to make it OK

"for you to park by a broken meter."

So, you know, the solution seems to be to fix the meters, you know?

Rather than make it OK to park next to broken ones.

It's like saying, "Well, all the trains are late

"and we know they never arrive, when they're supposed to

"so to tackle the problem,

"we've decided to abandon the concept of time...

"..so nobody is ever going to be late for anything."

"Are you late or are you not late? Or are you simply never...?

"Has it not arrived to you? Oh!"

At the information desk,

people going, "I'm not sure you can help me..."

"Oh, will I not?"

I'm blowing your mind.

Why has Pickles done this now?

I reckon what's happened is recently Eric Pickles got a parking ticket

when he was only ten minutes late

and he's thought, "I could do something about this."

Tell you what he looks like there -

he looks like Trago Mills.

-IMITATES ERIC PICKLES:

-"You've crossed me for the last time, Mr Bond."

His hat - rather weirdly - has got the face of an owl.

On an interesting related note,

what did Labour promise for everyone this week on Twitter?

-Owls.

-Owls.

Genuinely, the Labour Twitter feed account was hacked with the words,

"Everybody should have his own owl".

This is sinister - this is Trago Mills...

..infiltrating both political parties at the same time.

I don't know...I think it's...

Giving birds of prey away, it's a quick fix,

but it's not a long term solution.

That is very sad - I live on my own, I was looking forward to getting an owl to talk to.

All I've got is my Henry Hoover.

Imagine if you lived at home with an owl and said,

"Oh, just you and me now, Owl",

and the owl slowly turned its head around.

OK - at the end of that round,

the points go to Josh, Angela and Andy.

Now we play a round called Mock Them Up And Throw Away The Key.

This game involves Romesh, Angela and Josh.

If you could make your way to the performance area, please.

This is our stand-up challenge. I launch the wheel of news - wherever it stops,

one of our performers steps forward and talks about that subject.

Here we go, let's spin the wheel.

The first subject is Food - who wants to come in on that?

Josh.

I'm not a fan of people that are pretentious about food,

the kind of people that pretend they like dark chocolate.

By that, I mean anyone that claims to like dark chocolate,

cos no-one actually likes dark chocolate.

No-one's eating milk chocolate and goes,

"This is good, but I wish it tasted more like paracetamol."

I went into a cafe for breakfast the other day.

One of the things they sold on the menu - "toasted bread".

That is called "toast".

What are my other options?

Flaked corn topped with the juice of a milked cow?

Maybe I don't know what people want from food, though.

I was walking along the street the other day.

A van went past it said, "Waitrose. Do you like your bananas green?"

And I thought no.

I'm not a huge fan of diarrhoea.

I don't like my bananas green for the same reason

that I don't like my chicken kievs dangerously underdone.

Now when you go to Waitrose, all they've got is green bananas.

Am I the only one person who's ever bought a banana

because they want to eat the banana?

Is everyone else going,

"I think I fancy a banana in about seven days...

"I'd better go out and buy one now."

"Do you want to go out tonight, Steve?"

"No, I've checked my diary and I'm eating a banana."

All they do is sell them in bunches,

so basically what I've got is no bananas for seven days,

followed instantly by far too many bananas all at the same time.

Well done, Josh.

APPLAUSE

OK, let's have the next topic. The subject is health.

Who wants to come in on that? Angela.

Yeah, I am quite a sickly person. My own mother once said,

"Jesus, Angela, if you were a dog, they'd put you down."

I've got something called glue ear.

I don't know if you know what glue ear is.

It necessitates the wearing of grommets in your ears.

Some people had grommets when they were a child.

Child is the key word there. I'm 37 and I've got grommets.

I might as well have sodding nappy rash.

Even the word grommet is a cartoon character.

You don't get that with adult procedures, do you?

My grandmother, she's had a bilateral hip replacement.

She hasn't had a double SpongeBob.

Grommets, right. They're inconvenient as well, inconvenient,

because I love swimming. But I can't get my ears wet.

I have to wear a swimming hat. My mum bought me a red one

because she said it would just look like your hair.

It doesn't. No, I look like a Lego version of me.

And that's not even the worst of it. Right...

Twice a year, I have to attend something that's called the

glue ear clinic, which takes place at my local children's hospital.

You have not known humiliation until you've been a 37-year-old woman

sitting on a plastic toadstool,

flicking through old Mr Men comics, waiting for a nurse wearing

a Peppa Pig apron to call your name, while ten sets of parents stare

at you wondering where the hell your child is.

On the upside, I do have the world's largest collection

of brave girl stickers so it's not all bad.

One of the side effects of having glue ear is my eardrums

burst quite frequently. That's not pleasant.

It's pusy, it's messy, it's oozy, it's bloody, it's horrible.

It happens to me all the time. It happened to me once during sex.

I know, I know, disgusting, although it was quite entertaining

to see the look on the gentleman in question's face,

as I saw him think to himself,

"Oh, my God, I've actually shagged her brains out."

APPLAUSE

OK, that leaves us with Romesh.

Let's see what you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel.

The topic is...animals.

I'm into animal rights actually.

I recently watched this film, Blackfish, which is about this

killer whale that ate two of the trainers at SeaWorld.

It killed two of the members of staff at SeaWorld.

It's an interesting film but I do have some issues with it.

You know, one of the things they say in the film is,

"We call them orcas. Some people call them killer whales.

"But these are beautiful, beautiful orcas. We call them orcas."

This one killed two people, right.

That's a killer whale.

It lost the right to be called orca, when he slaughtered two people.

Yeah? And people are surprised by what happened. People are surprised.

"Oh, my God. I can't believe what happened at SeaWorld. I can't believe

"that one of the killer whales tried to eat one of the trainers."

Listen, that's not a surprise.

I'm a vegan, right. If you make me dance with a sausage on my nose

for long enough, eventually I will try the bloody sausage, right.

I don't think that's a surprise.

And the film was presenting obvious stuff.

I was talking to an intelligent person about Blackfish.

They said, "I can't believe what's happening at SeaWorld.

"It's disgusting. I can't believe they kidnap them from the wild."

How else do you think that they got them?

Do you think there was some sort of recruitment drive?

And the thing is, you know,

they want to set this whale free. They want to set Tilikum free

because he killed two people.

Because he killed two people, they want to set him free.

I mean, that's the opposite of crime and punishment, isn't it?

People say it's because he lives in horrible conditions.

Listen, people live in horrible conditions.

We don't let them off for doing something...

"Derek killed six people. We can't do anything about it

"because he lives in Hastings."

Thank you very much, Romesh.

Points to Angela Barnes there. Everyone back, thank you very much.

The next round is called If This Is The Answer What Is The Question?

On the board are six categories.

Angela, which category would you like?

I'd like Home News, please, Dara.

Home news. Blessed break from sport.

And the answer is 56 years. What is the question?

Is it how long does it currently take to get a UK Passport?

Is it what the minimum prison sentence should be for anybody

that takes their shirt off in the summer?

I find it unacceptable.

I remember like when it used to be hot days, my dad would open up

the curtains first thing in the morning and say,

"The white people are going to get naked today."

APPLAUSE

Is it how much did David Moyes age in his six months at Old Trafford?

Is it how long would most blokes happily sleep

in the same sheets for?

Is it how long could I hold a poo in

if I shared a flat with Oscar Pistorius?

I tell you what - that is the flat-share sitcom I want to see.

How long would it take to collect sufficient owls

for Labour to honour their manifesto commitment?

Is it... How long since England were last eliminated

in the first round of the World Cup?

Absolutely. Thank you very much, Josh Widdicombe. Very good.

Yes, the answer I was looking for was, how long is it since England

last failed to progress beyond the group stage of a World Cup?

Were you surprised? Were you gutted?

No, I mean, we didn't lose all our games, did we? I mean, I thought

we managed a very creditable nil-nil draw

with the 2,500-to-one outsiders

so people said we had very low expectations, didn't we?

And then we all got disappointed when we were knocked out

after two games, so obviously our expectations

weren't quite low enough, were they?

It's the players as well, they didn't...

Wayne Rooney said that if we'd won, we'd have gone through,

and that's the main lesson to learn.

And you're going, "If that's the main lesson to learn,

"we really need to go back to basics."

Liverpool, though... Liverpool had five England players

in the match-day team, didn't they?

There was Sterling, Sturridge, Johnson, Henderson and Gerrard,

and, of course, Uruguay had two Liverpool players in the squad -

Suarez and Gerrard again, so...

-Very busy man that day, wasn't he?

-It is interesting.

Now that England are out, I'm finding out about the backgrounds of

all my friends, because suddenly my friend was,

"Well, actually, I'm half German, so I'll support Germany now,"

so I was like, "You kept quiet about that on D-Day, didn't you?"

How old is this...

"Didn't you - Gunther?"

"Yes, well, I thought it was an unfortunate thing

"to bring up on ze boat."

I've actually started pretending I'm Costa Rican.

I will switch to whatever I need to.

In the cricket, I'm very Sri Lankan at the moment.

During the Ashes, I pretended I was Aborigine, I don't care.

I will go wherever the results take me.

If I were Roy Hodgson now, I'd be a pundit,

cos he can be a pundit anywhere in the world -

-apparently he can speak five languages...

-Yeah.

..which is literally five more than Phil Neville.

Roy Hodgson always looks like a man

who'd be far happier inside eating soup.

What did a lot of England fans find enormously irritating

immediately after the matches?

Reality.

-It was England footballers doing adverts.

-Yes.

Things like the Carlsberg Fan Squad advert.

Yes, there were a series of adverts there were complaints about.

You know, Joe Hart and his dandruff,

which luckily he's still beaten. Good man, Joe, well done.

Why does that company... I don't want to give them a free ad.

..that company who does an anti-dandruff shampoo,

which you all know. I say the word "anti-dandruff shampoo" and bing!

Why do they even spend money? Who goes, "Hmm, maybe we'll have

"a competing anti-dandruff shampoo for my shampoo."

Some of us, Dara, are still worrying about dandruff.

It's an unusual put-down, isn't it?

On the one hand, "Zing, I'm bald,"

but yet, on the other, you don't come out of it like a prince,

it has to be said.

I'm not going to lie to you, I didn't think it through.

"Take that, bald man!

"Oh, you social loser!"

Yes, it has to be said that some of the England squad

are probably not as well known as others.

It was a young squad, a new squad,

I mean, for example, there was this range of commemorative mugs

that was brought out and they were on sale, we're not making this up.

All the members of the squad, particularly Chris Smalling,

the Manchester United defender...

I cannot believe they put Theo Walcott's picture on it.

It's mortifying, isn't it, actually?

That's Smalling

and, for reference, a picture of Barack.

I hope there's not a mix-up and Chris Smalling's now going

to have to be the President of the United States of America.

What happens is he's going to get a call from David Cameron, going,

"I've finally got some service -

"what do we do about the Shia situation?"

"Er...I dunno."

In other news, what might we be sending out

via our smartphones next year?

Oh, this is a good one, this is smells,

you can send smells over your iPhone.

-It's brilliant, isn't it?

-Yes.

If you fart in a meeting, you know, just blame your phone.

"Oh, someone just sent me a farticon. I'll just turn that off."

It's going to be great when Obama finally picks up the phone and goes,

"Dave, I can smell pasty. Are you in Trago Mills?"

We don't need it, do we? It's just this constant thing

of making things that nobody... Nobody has been on the phone

to someone going, "Do you know what would make it so much easier

"to understand what you're on about? If I could smell you."

There is a good use for it. For instance, if you were seriously

into collecting your cheeses,

you don't actually keep them in your own house,

you keep them at somebody who owns a cheesery.

You ring up and say, "How's my camembert doing?"

-And he goes, "Well, I'll let you know."

-He waves it about.

He'll text you, "That needs another ten years."

Do you genuinely phone up... Do you genuinely check on your cheese?

No, mate. I'm improvising.

I don't know...

I don't know how the other half live.

At the end of that round, the points go to Josh, Angela and Andy.

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.

So if everyone can make their way over to the performance area, please.

I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

OK, here we go, the first subject is...

It's your own time you're wasting,

so, please, think twice about choosing media studies as an option.

We are not involved in extremism and any suggestion we are is deeply

offensive towards us all here at the Jihadi Death To The West Academy.

Congratulations to the year seven football team, who beat England.

There are two new girls in the school today,

thanks to Louise in year nine who's just had twins.

New school rule from next term -

there WILL be running in the corridors

because we've had to sell off the gym.

Just this morning we confiscated a bag of cannabis and now we're

asking all students to come forward if they've got Pringles.

Good news for last year's leavers - we have four at Durham,

four at Edinburgh, four at Bristol

and you can't find a better selection of prisons than those.

And now for show and tell, and here is Miles with his cheese collection.

Congratulations to the First Eleven, who, yesterday, beat St Christopher's 37-0.

Er, St Christopher's' is an intensive care unit but nonetheless, well done.

Well, I'm really sad to be leaving you as your maths teacher,

I've got no idea why I've been made redundant,

because I've always felt like I've given 110%.

Just a note for 5D.

When I said that Thomas should be in a blazer,

I didn't mean set him on fire.

So, OFSTED inspection this morning, so, burkas off.

Now, I know today is no school uniform day, Barry,

but we were hoping that you would wear something else.

And now the Register... is the reason that

Mr Smith cannot be here at the school today.

So if ever you feel the need to do drugs,

have a word with the supply teacher.

OK, the next topic is..

Come to Trago Mills! We got peacocks and everything.

We've got surprises in store - the escalator's broken

and the staff know fuck all.

Dignitas. It's not au revoir.

Have you had an accident that wasn't your fault, and has ruined your life?

Next time use Durex.

Try Uniform Dating,

because with the way Government cuts are going pretty soon it could be

the quickest way to get a policeman to your house in an emergency.

If you can find it cheaper anywhere else, tell us

and we'll burn their shop down.

The DFS sale has ended.

Have you been injured whilst doing voluntary work?

Well, that's your look-out, isn't it?

The Dyson hand-dryer.. The perfect way to drown out the sound

of somebody having a shit.

"Papa, Papa?"

"No, I'm sorry, Nicole, we've lost him."

Buy Lidl wine, because poor people shouldn't have to drink cider.

Steven Gerrard drinks Lucozade.

This has been a Red Bull commercial.

News International. When you talk, we listen.

-IN RUSSIAN ACCENT:

-To qualify for second Meerkat toy,

Aleksandr has invaded Ukraine.

Milk! Try and forget it came out of a cow's tits.

Have you booked Joe Hart to advertise your product?

Have you paid for advertising space until the end of the World Cup?

Then you may be entitled to compensation.

At the end of that round the points go to Josh, Angela and Andy.

That's the end of the show. This week's winners are Andy Parsons, Angela Barnes and Josh Widdicombe!

Commiserations to Romesh Ranganathan, Hugh Dennis and Miles Jupp.

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.