Episode 4 Mock the Week

This programme contains some strong language

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Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.

I'm Dara O Briain. Joining me this week

are Andy Parsons, Susan Calman and Rob Beckett,

Romesh Ranganathan, Hugh Dennis and Hal Cruttenden.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We start with a round called

If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

On the board are six categories.

Susan, which category would you like?

-Um, politics, please.

-No problem at all. Politics is the category.

The answer is "2". What is the question?

How many celebrities from the 1970s is it still OK for me to like?

A very provisional number, that.

The investigation's still ongoing. Yes.

Is it...what was the population in God's first census?

APPLAUSE

Is it the number of times Dolly Parton's face moved whilst...?

-Hey, hey, hey, hey!

-Are you loving the Dolly?

You can attack anything on this show,

but you do not attack Dolly Parton!

Don't come into my house

and attack Dolly Parton between the hours of nine and five.

Is it what most Glastonbury-goers dread doing the most?

Is it the number of Milibands it takes to ruin a party?

Is it which number most looks like

a man kneeling to vomit in a lavatory?

Is it the number of tracks on a CD

of the Cheeky Girls' "Best Of" compilation?

Is it the number of footballers you can bite

before you get really told off?

APPLAUSE

Is it...if Jeremy Kyle and Jeremy Clarkson went into a room,

how many people in that room would be pricks called Jeremy?

Surely this is... this is Desmond Tutu's middle name.

APPLAUSE

Move towards the correct answer, if you can, please.

Is it...what's the highest number Ranulph Fiennes can count to...?

I won't finish that one.

Is it the votes against Juncker?

Juncker works for me. You're absolutely right.

It is votes against Juncker.

APPLAUSE

Yes, the question I was looking for

was how many European leaders voted against Jean-Claude Juncker

for President of the European Commission?

This is the news that, at a summit in Brussels,

David Cameron was only able to persuade one other European leader,

the Hungarian Prime Minister, Viktor Orban,

to join him in voting against Juncker, with 26 voting for.

26-2 defeat for Cameron.

26-2. Nobody was impressed with that.

The only person who was impressed with that was Roy Hodgson,

who thought getting two was a great result

against a tough European team.

We can't even get people to vote for us in Eurovision.

How are we going to in actual politics?

What has been the reaction to Cameron among the European press?

They called him the Wayne Rooney of the election thing...

And they didn't mean that in a good way.

No, they meant it because Wayne Rooney

is also very much in favour of de-centralisation from Brussels.

Cameron's threat was that this will make it more likely

that Britain will leave the EU.

And there is a general ramping up of anti-EU sentiment.

We saw it during the European elections.

Only this week, the Daily Express ran this headline,

this incredible...

And you just go,

"My God! What are these laws that are ruining Britain?"

And they put a little box of eight of the ones

they thought were most likely to ruin Britain.

I'll just read a couple of them now

and you can go, "My God, the country's gone to bits.

"It's ruined now." One of them was...

That strikes at the very heart which is what Britain is for me.

The people's ability to bring their ferrets just on a whim...

"Do you know what? Do you know what?

"Phwit-phwit-phwit-phwit... Little skinny thing!

"I'm going to bring you to see Europe. OK!

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop biting me."

Another one that's ruining Britain...

These laws will set out the difference...

Now, that makes perfect sense.

Fruit juice from concentrated is the thing you can drink.

Concentrated fruit juice is the bit you have to put water to

to turn it into fruit juice from concentrate.

It is about time this country learnt the difference,

cos I am sick of accidentally pouring Ribena

and then staring at it, going, "Have I diluted this enough?

"Someone's going to have to taste this.

"I'm not going to taste this. This could be death in a cup.

"Oh, no!

"Urrgggh!"

Meanwhile, which Conservative campaign backfired this weekend?

This was getting Eric Pickles to wear Lycra.

This is the campaign to try and see

-how many working-class Tory MPs they could find.

-Yes.

And they could only find 14 out of 300

that they thought could be considered as working class,

which was slightly more than the Labour Party could manage.

I'm working class and I'm a Tory.

That's Taurus. I'm a Taurus.

Sorry.

APPLAUSE

HE MOUTHS

The problem is that, for most Tories,

I think hardship is going to Durham University.

That's, like, the worst thing that could...

ROMESH: That's the thing.

It doesn't matter if they're working-class background or not if what the policies are...

I don't care, if somebody goes, "We don't give a shit about the NHS!",

I don't think, "You're working class, so..."

Dick Van Dyke singing a cheery song about privatisation.

-COCKNEY ACCENT: We'll shut you all down!

-Hey!

Let's not get involved in doing each other's accents, Romesh.

Because that's going to look a lot worse for me!

< That's the thing.

Can't suddenly rebrand the Tories as, like, a working-class party.

It would be like me coming on and playing the immigrant by going...

STEREOTYPICAL ASIAN ACCENT: ..Hello, Dara, so glad to be on Mock The Week.

Thank you so much for having me on, I'm very grateful.

We can't suddenly start pulling that out.

I don't know why you can't be doing that! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Don't rock the boat.

But then I could do you...

Not literally, Rob. Don't get excited.

Barking up the wrong tree, sweetie.

"Ooooy.

"Oooy. Oooy. Oooy.

"I'm from London."

Among your many gifts, an ear for accents.

APPLAUSE

SLOWLY: "All right, darling. All right, darling."

Why's it so slow? It's like I'm coming round from an operation.

"Oh, Mum, where's the bedpan?

"My leg still hurts.

"When will it be better? I gotta get up that chimney."

The problem is, to me, Rob, that is exactly what you sound like.

I sense a little bit of tension on my team.

To be honest, I hesitate to call it a team, Andy.

-What about the points?!

-Can we please get back to the Tories?

There was this Tory MP, David Amess, who has apparently been doing

all of the research into Tory working-class MPs.

He said he was working class

because he didn't have a telephone when he was growing up.

He had to lean out the window and shout very loudly.

And I still have to do that in my home.

That's just due to the level of reception that I get from O2.

I didn't know... Like, I bang on about being working class.

I didn't know Radio 4 existed until I was asked to be on it.

I thought...

No, because I thought it was one of them new ones, like 1Xtra,

or the Asian Network, or something like that.

One of the digital ones.

You know what's happening here?

I don't mean to be rude. You sound really lovely.

It's almost like... We're, like, opposites.

It's like, you know, attract. We could end up together.

LAUGHTER

This could be like Katie Price and Peter Andre in the jungle.

A hideous spin off on BBC Three

about how this relationship is going.

In other news, under proposed health guidelines,

what could we see banished from our diets?

-Sugar.

-Sugar.

Sugar's very, very bad for you.

And there's a lot of sugar in fizzy drinks.

Your daily requirement of sugar is in one single can of Coke.

This was released by the Department of You Already Know This,

who has a...

the Minister of Come On! Do We Have To Keep Telling You This Stuff?

Just Put It Down.

It is a fruit juice problem, isn't it,

cos fruit juice, apparently,

contains as much sugar as fizzy drinks,

so, in which case, the man from Del Monte, he say...

"Oh, shit."

I'm just thinking, I always knew OJ was a killer.

Thank you.

Thank you. You've been great.

Thank you.

I'm just going to stop my stopwatch on that - at 14 years since...

What I love about that is, Hal, you could put that straight on Dave.

The problem with just drinking water is it just

tastes like your mouth, don't it?

- I don't want to taste my mouth. - They want to ban fizzy drinks,

don't know how they are going to

come into my house and stop me doing it.... But I think if they ban it

and make me drink water, then the opposite should apply

when I go swimming, I should be allowed to swim in, like, Fanta.

The thing is, they give you all these warnings, but I can't...

I just ignore it, because the warnings aren't strong enough.

I can't stop smoking, for example, you know, they tell you

all these bad things like heart disease, lung disease, I can't stop.

They could tell me they were going to take my children away

if I was, if I didn't stop smoking...

I would, like, cut down to ten.

20% of kids, they reckon now,

are obese by the time they leave junior school aged 11,

so somebody needs to tell them that big school is just a name,

it's not a description... they have to live up to.

APPLAUSE

It's the language they use, it's a paper thing

because the headline I saw said

that the Government have "declared war" on sugar -

it's not really a war, is it...? Nobody's gone...

"Well, this morning we wrote to Tate and Lyle...

"No response has been forthcoming.

"I am afraid to tell you

"that from this moment, we are at war with sugar."

APPLAUSE

There is no war, there is no war.

We are always using this term "war on..."

"War on drugs", we've had "war on sugar", "war on drugs",

and actually if you look at those two things, that's two opposite things.

Sugar makes kids fat, drugs make kids thin.

Maybe there is some middle ground...?

In a family situation, smack can be a punishment and a reward...

That's where I think we're going.

OK, at the end of that round the points go to Rob, Susan and Andy!

Now we play a round called Gag of Thrones.

This game involves Rob and Hal.

So if you could make your way to the performance area, please.

This round is a stand-up challenge.

I launch the Wheel of News and wherever it chooses to stop,

one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.

OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.

So the first topic is Holidays. Who wants to come in on that...? Rob.

I love an holiday, I'm terrible at languages, though,

when I go away - do you know what I mean?

I still say jalapeno - I know it's hal-a-peno, but I don't speak

English properly, I don't see why I should start having a go at Mexican.

I even like getting on the plane. The plane's fun.

I still love the symbol that says "No smoking".

It's... Why have they got that there?

When was the last time you saw someone trying to smoke on a plane?

They might as well have "No barbecues" up there.

You know, I've never seen anyone on a plane like that...

"Sorry, sir, no smoking." "Since when?"

I get worried on a plane with a little ashtray - I think,

"How old's this plane?!" I went to Barcelona with the in-laws

and my girlfriend, they're a bit posh and stuff.

They go out for dinner, and I've got a basic palate.

They're all eating like weird food.

"Rob, would you like some cured meats?"

I was like, "It depends what was wrong with it in the first place."

I don't do paella either, it's just busy rice, isn't it?

It's a special fried rice that's got well out of hand.

The thing is in Barcelona, what's weird is they try

and sell you drugs late at night... it was really wild.

I was walking along. I was hungry, I hadn't had any dinner...

This bloke came and went, "Coke, weed, pills?"

"No thanks, mate, I'm after a bit of KFC." Right? He goes - "KFC?

"I've got a bit of that."

I was like, "No, you haven't, mate,

"not unless you've got a deep fat fryer in your bum bag."

As I go to walk off, he whips out a little plastic bag of powdery stuff.

He was like, "Here it is, KFC!"

I was like, "Yeah, 'course it is, mate(!)" And I walk off.

Ten minutes later, I think to myself...

"What if that was the secret blend of 11 herbs and spices?"

Thank you very much, Rob.

OK, that leaves us with Hal, let's see what you've been left with,

let's spin the wheel again...

And the subject is Marriage.

OK, off you go.

Right, um...

I've been married 14 years, I know, I look too young...

People say silly things if you've been married for a certain time.

If you say you've been married for 14 years, people say,

"Oh, you get less for murder!" "Ha-ah!"

You don't - I've checked.

Why do people compare marriage to prison as well?

There's far more sex in prison, isn't there?

I am joking, obviously.

My wife is absolutely my best friend,

my best friend in the world, she is.

Obviously, I'm not her best friend, no - Lisa's her best friend!

We've got two children as well, two girls...

thank God, because I'd be rubbish with boys, wouldn't I?

Imagine a little boy coming home from school

and saying, "Daddy, Billy Smith says I've got to bring £2

"to school every day, or else I'm going to get a kicking."

I went, "Calm down, ask Billy

"if we can set up some sort of direct debit, whatever's easiest for him."

My daughters worry about me.

I know that's wrong, but my oldest daughter, she came up to me

when she was about eight, she did this, and this is absolutely true,

she came up to me very seriously and said, "Daddy... ARE you gay?"

My mum, my mum was always convinced I was gay.

I used to bring my wife and kids over to dinner.

My mum would be going - "Oh, still living in denial?!"

"Shut up, Mum."

When I was 16 I brought my first proper girlfriend home

and I said to my mum, "Can she stay over in my room?"

My mum was like...

LOUD NASALLY LAUGH

"OK...ha-ha-ha...

"but don't stay up all night talking about boys."

OK, very good.

Points to Hal there. Well done, thank you very much.

Lovely, come and sit down.

APPLAUSE

Our next round is called Picture of the Week.

I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me

what is happening. So, what's going on here?

GROWLING

Is it from the Uruguayan Daily News?

"Shoulder-wielding thug...

.."hurts our hero's precious tooth enamel."

Is it three men trying to make up the French flag,

and having a massive argument about it?

Is it the goalkeeper, the bloke in red going...

"I have an itch just there"?

"Just on the back of my knee...there...

"just there... There's good."

Is it, "Suarez imagines a half-time orange"?

Is it, "England's opponents play sitting down

"to give England a chance"?

Anyone know what it actually is?

Is it the Luis Suarez bite?

Of course it is, absolutely, thank you very much, Rob Beckett.

Yes, of course it's Luis Suarez, who has been banned from

"all football-related activity" for four months, after FIFA

found him guilty of biting Italian opponent Giorgio Chiellini.

That's "all" - that's collecting stickers, that's doing keepy-uppy...

if he goes online to play FIFA, it'll go, "No."

It'll stop at nothing, nothing.

He gets out of the team photo, he gets out of training,

so basically, if you bite people you get out of doing stuff.

So if I bit my mother-in-law,

can I get out of that christening on Sunday?

I'd imagine so.

His argument in his defence was...

"It was at that point in which my penis entered the vacuum cleaner..."

"Which is why I am here now..."

So, yours as well?

"..in this accident and emergency room."

I thought it was quite erotic because it was just like that...

"Ahh!"

And, I mean, for me when I've bitten people in the past...

Yes...

I would bite my initials into the back of the person

that I was...

What's wrong with that?!

Just sort of just an "S".

-What are you? Zorro?

-No.

Just... as they were sleeping...

just gently...

-You marked them...

-Just gently gnaw your initials into them...

How heavily sedated were these partners of yours?

# I'm just a little cockney

# Getting bit on the back... #

All I'm saying is, that, actually,

not since Top Gun have I seen such a homoerotic scene.

-Suarez just...

-It was, quite.

I'll give you that. Because it came from nowhere and then he came in...

He didn't quite nuzzle the man, it has to be said.

He's doing nothing for people with big teeth.

I think you've got lovely teeth.

You have got lovely teeth.

Thanks, but, when you was at school and you had big teeth,

people were like, "Oh, are you going to bite me?"

But now... "Yeah."

Loads of people were actually gathered outside his house...

Loads of fans gathered outside his place.

Because it's apparently very easy to spot his house

because there's a sign on the gate which says,

"The dog is the least of your worries."

APPLAUSE

If he's not allowed to take part in any football-related activity

he could actually just come and play for England, couldn't he?

Have you seen that the Uruguayan head of state,

he came out, in support of Suarez...what did he say?

He said FIFA are a bunch of old bastards.

That's interesting for a Head of State, isn't it?

You wouldn't expect the Queen to come out and go,

"Oh, Sepp Blatter, what a tosser he is."

It would be great to have her from the balcony going, "Wanker."

What sort of reception did the England players get on their return?

Nothing.

One man and a dog turned out.

A crowd turned out. This is at the airport where they...

It's not that surprising that nobody showed up.

The England team spent almost as long in baggage reclaim

as they did in the group stages.

She's not even a fan, that one.

She's the official that looks for illegally shipped ferrets.

I got quoted in The Sun during the week

because I tweeted midway through South Korea's last group game,

because I was sick of every time,

they just cut to another unfeasibly glamorous people who had clearly

been put in by FIFA to create this image of,

"Yeah, come to a FIFA World Cup event.

"It's where fun people hang out."

Instead of just what football matches are -

just fat blokes from Newcastle stripped to the waist in December,

going, "Oi!" And the amount of people who got

really angry with me for "Taking our women away."

Basically, you irritated people last week, and now you're

mentioning it again so you can irritate them one more time.

It was funny to watch them get angry about it.

When there's a penalty shoot-out

and they focus on the crowd, and they're all worried...

"Oh, my God, we can go out of the World Cup."

Then they go, "Big screen! Yeah!"

There was an amazing clip of the linesman - have you seen that?

He's on the big screen, he's got his flag kind of like that

and then he seems to look like that and goes...

The thing is, it just adds to the pressure...

I don't know how everyone else watches the football.

I enjoy the football immensely, especially when...you know, all day.

You just make yourself comfortable - pants and vest,

It's a Die Hard outfit. You're dressed like John McClane,

you've got several tubs of Pringles so you can alternate between them.

I can fit my whole fist in the Pringles...

So you've got crisps on you, the cat's licking it off your face,

you're just lying and then on the screen there's this beautiful

Brazilian woman...

"Oooh-ooh!"

And you're like, "FUCK YOU! Just FUCK YOU."

I agree, I entirely agree.

It also, it creates a false impression.

And also one of the joys of watching sport, all sport,

is half that room are really unhappy.

I want to see the unhappy ones.

Show me the child whose face got painted, now crying it off.

That's what I want to watch in sport...

Not, "Hey we're so beautiful."

HE MIMICS CRYING

That's why I tune in.

You need a tearful Scouser - that's football.

-Not FIFA with their, like...

-HE MIMICS JAUNTY MUSIC

No, that's not football - that's not sport at all.

At the end of that round the points go to Rob, Susan and Andy!

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like to See.

So if everyone can make their way to the performance area, please.

I'll read out this week's topics

and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

The first subject tonight is...

Apologies, the sport you're watching is apparently squash,

and not as I said earlier, tennis in prison.

Oh, I am sorry, you don't

need a lip-reader to see what he said after that challenge.

He said, "Fuck off!"

180!

This man is rubbish at golf.

Nee-ow! Nee-ow! Nee-ow!

He's clearly hurt his knee.

Italy have had three shots in the second half -

tetanus, rabies, and hepatitis.

And here come the coxless four,

so the women's tennis doubles can begin.

And as we wait for the final of the butterfly,

it's hard to believe that just yesterday

all these competitors were still caterpillars.

And there's a new event here at the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow,

yes, get ready for shouting at your own reflection in a shop window.

Wow, unbelievable service -

three full bars on T-Mobile.

And there's been a nasty clash in the Nigeria-Brazil game -

lime green with yellow...ugh!

For those of you who want to watch the equestrian events,

get your butler to press the red button.

Welcome to the Nazi pro-am golf tournament.

Hitler, as usual...

is in the bunker.

Wayne Rooney has managed the full 90.

Previously, his eldest was 76.

And the queen takes the bishop.

This is turning out to be quite the royal wedding.

And Suarez is being substituted.

He's not injured, he's just full.

What an incredible backhand there from the Qatari President.

All right, the next topic is...

We meet at last, Mr Bond.

I'm from the Child Support Agency.

I will look for you, I will find you.

And when I do - you count to ten and try and find me.

The story about the man that was killed getting a blow job - Die Hard.

I have your wife, and unless you give me 15 million,

I will give her back to you.

Someone in here is the killer.

Is it John? Is it Sally?

Or is it that massive bear?

Yes, it's definitely semen.

OK. Let me talk to the navy seals.

HE MAKES SEAL NOISES

They were strangers on a train, and they remained that way

because they were British.

The cause of death is unknown but his last words were,

"Parachutes are for pussies!"

There's a mole in our organisation.

Toad, Ratty, Badger... any idea who it might be?

You are too late, too late - look at the timer.

In 15 seconds...

my ready-meal will be ready.

Say hello to my little friend Alan.

"Hello."

The truth? You can't handle the truth!

Thank you for signing up for the MailOnline website.

And that was the horrible moment that the comedian

realised that it wasn't a good thing to look like an Asian Rolf Harris.

OK, at the end of that round,

the points go to Rob, Susan and Andy!

That's the end of the show. This week's winners are

Andy Parsons, Susan Calman and Rob Beckett.

Commiserations to Romesh Ranganathan,

Hugh Dennis and Hal Cruttenden.

Thanks for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.

# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

# Read all about it

# Read all about it

# News of the world

# News of the world. #