Episode 5 Mock the Week

This programme contains some strong language

# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

# But don't believe in everything you see or hear

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# News of the world News of the world... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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# News of the world News of the world. #

Hello and welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Dara O Briain.

Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Tiff Stevenson and

Josh Widdicombe, Romesh Ranganathan, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We start with a round called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

On the board are six categories.

Tiff, which category would you like?

-I'll go for Home News.

-OK, your category is Home News.

The answer is...

What is the question?

Is it how far The Proclaimers got

before they went, "Nah, she's not worth it"?

If Scotland votes yes to independence,

how high should they build the new Hadrian's Wall?

APPLAUSE

Is it, what distance from a roundabout

is too soon to slow down?

Is it, what distance is the nearest

that the HS2 route goes to David Cameron's house?

Is it, if you turn on Grindr in Russia,

where is your closest match?

What is the distance between Bjork and reality?

Is it, how long can a lorry driver go without needing a shit?

That's an average. That's not just a stat...

He's not like a microwave oven, he doesn't go "ding!"

Is it how far you have to walk

to complete a full circuit of IKEA?

Is it, if you travel 340 miles by Megabus,

for how long are you regretting that decision?

Hey, I run a very good bus company, I won't hear a word against it!

Is it, how much closer has the Islamic caliphate

got in the last five minutes?

Satirical. It simply didn't work.

The reason it didn't work is because you're sitting next to someone

who looks so much like he could be a Muslim. People are nervous.

-We're not sure.

-I should've laughed,

then you guys would have been all right.

APPLAUSE

Is the answer,

how far did the Tour de France go through Britain this week?

Absolutely right. Thank you very much, Josh.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes. The question I was looking for was,

what is the total distance of the three British stages of this

year's Tour de France, which began in Yorkshire at the weekend?

Did you watch it?

-It was brilliant, yeah.

-Coming through London.

I thought that it was to show British cycling at its best,

they should probably have, when they got to central London,

had to get a Boris bike.

It's a bit strange that they've now gone to France.

The fourth stage is in France, they've gone to France by train or ferry.

When the obvious answer is, send them across the Channel on a pedalo.

It's exciting. It was in Yorkshire but it still wasn't very Yorkshire.

There was part of me that was hoping on the final descent they would

be overtaken by the guy from Last of the Summer Wine in a bath.

Whilst playing the Hovis music!

It was a very happy Yorkshire, wasn't it?

That is a lot of people's traditional view of Yorkshire.

That they would've sat and watched it go past and then go,

"Ehh."

A nice clash of cultures.

I like the idea of Yorkshire people with French people

and we're hoping for a big romance to bloom,

I've got a Yorkshire woman chatting up a French cyclist,

"Ay up, love, voulez vous coucher avec moi, ce soir."

"That would be amazing, pet."

It was York down to Sheffield, then it was bus to Cambridge,

then cycle to London.

A very familiar journey

if you've ever tried to catch a train on a Sunday.

What I like about it is they've given French names to stuff,

but then you still have, like, Yorkshire bits in.

Like, you've got the Buttertubs Pass

has become Cote de Buttertubs.

It is quality.

It is like when you hear,

when I see my family speaking in their mother tongue, we talk

and then you have to throw in an English word, like...

HE SPEAKS IN THAT LANGUAGE

"..King's Cross St Pancras."

They did change all the names into French to get publicity,

all of the pubs changed names, didn't they?

All the pubs throughout Yorkshire changed their name into French.

And you think, how cross was the manager of Pret a Manger in...

LAUGHTER DROWNS HIM OUT

One of the pubs that changed its name was called The Yew Tree.

Now, I think they should consider a name change, anyway, in that pub.

I mean, it's been a huge topic,

but I wouldn't have themed a pub around it!

I mean, Planet Hollywood wasn't a pleasant visit,

at the best of times, but The Yew Tree...

What, "family fun at The Yew Tree"? I don't think so!

I just like the fact that you got to see somebody on a bike

with a drug problem who hadn't just stolen my mobile phone.

Watching the BBC coverage on that first day, they described,

they said, there is 2.5 million people out in Yorkshire

and they described in many areas that the crowds were "dense".

Now...

I thought that was unnecessary

and somewhat regionalist, myself.

I watched the coverage of it coming into London and, although, you know,

it had stopped being in Yorkshire, but the commentator was incredibly Yorkshire.

When they were commentating and looking

at the different places in London, the bloke went, "There's the Shard.

"The Shard was finished just in time for the Olympic Games.

"You can go right to the top of the Shard, it's very expensive..."

If you are an avid fan of the Tour de France, as I am,

as they go on, there's always a helicopter shot to break up

shots of the cyclists, of whatever local chateaux there are,

whatever, which they, sort of, did a version of.

But there is one shot of Trafalgar Square

and the camera of the helicopter slowly rotating

around Nelson's Column, and you are going, I would like

to hear the French commentary -

-FRENCH ACCENT:

-"Nobody knows who this man is!"

APPLAUSE

Yes, what, by the way, endangered the safety of riders

-during the stage?

-People talking selfies.

And they, basically, obviously, they, sort of, would have their back

to the peloton and so they couldn't actually see them coming.

And you think, it's just a new form of natural selection, basically, isn't it?

Wasn't there a lad who got a selfie with the Queen?

Yes, the Queen visited Belfast a couple of weeks ago and, yes,

it was relatively... He did it really smoothly.

You'd hardly spot it happening. Here is a picture of it here.

That's amazing.

The picture you want is what that guy behind him is about to do now.

Belfast isn't the place to suddenly jump out

at a member of the Royals, though, is it?

That's a very... It's a very brave move.

APPLAUSE

In other news...

What medical problem has David Cameron

warned the world about this week?

Posh twat syndrome.

This is super bugs that are resistant to the current crop of antibiotics.

Yes. Yes, yes. Resistant in a proper medical sense,

rather than resisting in the kind of, "Oh, I'm not fond of it."

Apparently, the reason bacteria have got so much worse

is that all the good bacteria

have been put into yoghurt.

APPLAUSE

He said it's going to send medicine back to the Dark Ages.

I'm not going to go to the doctor.

If I turn up with Athlete's foot

and end up getting burned as a witch, I'm not getting involved!

It could be your only choice.

The guy who farms leeches is going, "Well, well, well."

I knew you'd come back.

"You've all come crawling back now, haven't you,

"with your infections and whatnot?"

He has had probably quite a bad few years, the guy that farms leeches.

It's been a rough 300 years or so,

since the madness of George III.

But since, you know, he is still waiting with his...

just stroking the leeches, "Oh, yes,

"they shall come back to us.

"Oh, I don't let the leeches on my arm, the leech is stuck to my arm.

"I can't get it off."

The thing that worries me about going back to the Dark Ages is,

if you go back to the Middle Ages with medicine,

the thing that really worries me is keyhole surgery.

Have you seen the size

of a medieval keyhole?

The thing is, I think everybody has known this.

The doctors prescribe antibiotics too much.

Every time you go to the doctor, "I feel fluey..."

-INDIAN ACCENT:

-"Antibiotics."

"My leg hurts... My leg hurts."

-INDIAN ACCENT:

-"Antibiotics."

"I think I'm developing a bacteria that's resistant to antibiotics..."

-INDIAN ACCENT:

-"Antibiotics."

Tell you what, if I'd done that impression,

I would've got a lot different reaction.

It would have been fine, because I would've gone, "Ha-ha-ha!"

APPLAUSE

-It's like the power of life or death.

-I could end any of you.

There was...

You're right, though, I'm not now sucking up to you. This is not new.

The timing of Cameron getting on board does feel

a bit like... "I've got a press conference..."

And all hands shoot up and go,

"What about Coulson?!"

And Cameron went, "Coulson?"

"People are dying here, for God's sake!"

He brought it up, didn't he?

He said he brought up resistant superbugs at the last G7 meeting

and, apparently, Vladimir Putin was very interested in buying some.

How has a scientist in America been putting the world at risk?

He has, kind of, mutated a strain of bird flu, hasn't he?

-Yes, he has.

-To make it, it's transmissible now between

bird and human. It's a thing we've tried to avoid.

No, it's not transmitted between

bird and human, it's transmitted between duck and ferret.

-That's a pub in Yorkshire.

-It is, yeah.

I'm concerned he's never seen a zombie film,

cos this is how they all start.

They all begin with this, they all begin with this.

Didn't they compare it to a film though? Contagion.

It was in one of the papers and they gave

two historical examples. Historical examples of a viral infection.

There was Spanish flu, which killed 57 million

and the film Contagion, in which 26 million people died.

You're going, "No, the film Contagion, nobody actually died,

"that didn't happen, that was all fictional." You might as well say,

"It uses a laser similar to the one used in the Death Star

"which blew up the planet Alderaan."

If he wanted to compare it to a film that brought suffering to millions,

they should have compared it to Princess Monaco of Kent.

No, is that her name? I don't know! Princess I don't know her fucking name,

I just know it's a terrible film.

-Princess Grace of Monaco.

-I'm never talking again.

"Princess Monaco of Kent!"

-Your wife works in medicine, doesn't she?

-She does. She's a doctor.

Do you reckon this is true, do you reckon you can tell what

someone's going to be like in bed, depending on

which area of medicine they work in?

Because you've got, like, the paramedics -

this could end badly -

the paramedics like a quick in and out.

Then, the GPs. They cover a lot of the body, but don't know

what they're doing, and surgeons, who like to go and have

a rummage and leave something behind they shouldn't.

Often, if you sleep with a GP

and you go, "Is there any chance we can do something special?"

"Oh, no, we'll have to refer you to a..."

LAUGHTER

At the end of that round, the points go to Romesh, Hugh and Gary.

Now, we play a round called Tour de Fra-ha-ha-ha-ha-nce.

This game involves Tiff and Gary.

If you could make your way to the performance area.

This round is a stand-up challenge.

I launch the wheel of news and, wherever it chooses to stop,

one of our performers talks about that subject.

OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.

The first subject is Dating.

-OK, I'll take that.

-OK, Tiff.

I'm pretty glad I'm not single any more,

cos I'm 36, so I'm at that age where I've had to start saying to guys,

"Seriously, do you mind not talking to my face - they're right here."

Actually, more like, here now.

I'm not saying guys don't approach me any more in bars - they do,

but it is to get around me.

And a guy came up to me recently in a nightclub and he went,

"Excuse me", and I went...

"Yes?" And he went, "No, just excuse me."

I don't really understand, though, the whole objectification of women,

like, until I missed it, right.

You know, I didn't think I'd miss sexism,

but that's what getting older does. Because I was always confused

by hearing guys talk about women in bars,

and objectifying them going, "Are you a boobs guy or a bum guy?"

And as a women, that's really offensive, right.

Because woman, we don't sit around going, "Are you a balls girl

"or are you a penis girl?

"Are you a balls girl, or are you a penis girl?"

And I tell you why that is - that is because

no woman in the history of the world has ever said,

"Do you know what, I'm just a balls girl, me.

"I just really love a pair of balls, I just love a pair of balls.

"I like how they're dry and clammy, at the same time, wrinkly,

"but weirdly smooth, red and brown,

"I like moving them

"around in my hand, like they're Chinese meditation balls."

Well done, Tiff Stevenson.

That leaves us with Gary. Let's see what you're left with,

let's spin the wheel.

And the topic is Health.

The doctor told me to lose some weight. I said, "How"?

He said, "Don't eat anything fatty." I said, "What, pies,

"chips, that kind of thing?" He said, "No, just don't eat anything, fatty."

I was thrown out of Weightwatchers for making sarcastic comments

during the weekly weigh-in. As you can imagine, I accepted

the decision with huge grace - because they threw her out, as well.

The chair of the Dyslexic Society was recently given an OBE.

He said "What's the point? I can't play the bloody thing."

I live next door to a family of anorexic agoraphobics.

I bet they've got a few skeletons in the closet.

A friend of mine has been suffering from paranoid delusions.

And now he thinks he's a Chocolate Orange.

My worry is, he's going to be sectioned.

Poor Terry.

I thought PPI was just something that you could get

if you didn't wear goggles at the swimming baths.

I bought an alcoholic ginger beer. He wasn't pleased.

I once met a girl who confused a tube of KY Jelly with superglue.

I asked her how it happened, but sadly her lips were sealed.

Thank you!

Very good. Well done, both of you. Points there to Tiffany Stevenson.

Come back and sit down.

Good work.

Our next round is called Picture of the Week.

I show the panel a topical image and ask them what's happening.

So, what's going on here?

Is this when they got the news Cliff Richard had been caught in traffic?

Are they in fact watching Prince Philip trying to talk

to the Williams sisters?

Is it, erm, news in from the Palace, the Queen is dead?

AUDIENCE GASP

What, they get their news from...?

"I didn't hear that story appear during the week!

"You'd think they would have got more coverage

"than a passing reference on Mock The Week!"

Have they just seen themselves on the giant screen?

Have Kate and Wills hired private detectives to spy on each other?

Have they just found out that

the Royal Premiere of Mrs Brown's Boys has been cancelled?

I think I know what it is.

They have just witnessed Princess Monaco of Kent.

Finally! Finally she's returned.

This is a new thing where they do,

like, public executions of illegal immigrants.

AUDIENCE GASP They don't really. Come on, guys.

-Do your laugh, do your laugh, Romesh.

-Oh, sorry.

CONTRIVED LAUGHTER

I found that good, that was OK!

Anyone know what it actually is?

I think they're at Wimbledon, aren't they?

Yes, they are at Wimbledon, thank you very much, Hugh.

Yes, of course, this is a picture of Prince William

and Kate Middleton cheering on Roger Federer, before he was

defeated by Novak Djokovic in the men's Wimbledon final.

Seven-time champion Federer lost in five sets

to Djokovic in a gripping match that lasted nearly four hours.

He won, he ate the grass, or as some people were saying,

he lost his balance and hit the court with his teeth.

He said the grass was the best meal he'd ever had. Which, I mean,

I've not tried Serbian food, but it must be...

Also, if he ever wins on clay,

it's going to be an absolute horror show, isn't it?

Is that what they mean when they say a tennis player's seeded?

It looks like he's getting ready to get seeded right there.

Also, it's pretty dangerous, with Boris Becker there in the crowd

shouting, "Roger, Roger!" It's dangerous.

He's going to take that as an instruction

and start looking for a waitress, isn't he?

He's scary-looking now, Becker.

He looks like he's got a permanent allergic reaction to a bee sting.

Sort of like a boiled ham in a wig.

It was lucky that they finished when they did.

The smell of burning in the players' box.

People were going, "We've got to get Boris out of the sunshine!"

Either that or brush him with a bit of egg.

We've got to do something.

I like how after he won he dedicated the prize to his future wife

and future baby.

And all the audience went, "Ah, that's so sweet!"

Apart from his current wife and current baby.

It was obviously sad that Murray got knocked out in the quarterfinal.

He was effing and blinding, wasn't he?

"Five minutes before the bloody game!"

And people were saying they were shocked by him.

But let's face it,

a Scotsman walking around talking to themselves,

shouting expletives to nobody in particular -

it's not really that much of a shock, is it?

With Murray, there's always that thing, that sort of age-old joke

where, when he's winning, he's British, and when he's losing, he's Scottish.

And this time, he got battered,

and you can't get more Scottish than that.

APPLAUSE

-Sorry if you're watching.

-That'll be...

Andy Murray, big fan of the show. OK.

What was special about the women's final this year?

-It was short.

-It was, it was quite brief.

It's weird, innit? Cos it's normally the men that are quicker.

Hello!

Hello! That just happened.

-There was Eugenie Bouchard.

-Eugenie Bouchard.

She made it into the final and she's named after the Royal family,

her and her twin sister Beatrice, which is why

now she spends her entire life flying around the world

earning large amounts of money for doing a few hours' work each week.

Has to be actual members of the Royal family, though, which is

why she doesn't have a brother called Harry.

Yep, or an auntie called Monaco of Kent.

Is this episode going to end up with all of us hung for treason?

Or being carried through the streets of Dublin.

APPLAUSE

In other news, what did French police recently lose at Marseille airport?

A giant Toblerone.

This is fantastic.

They did... They were doing a security test, weren't they?

They got sniffer dogs to find explosives, Semtex,

that they had hidden, and the dogs couldn't find the explosives.

And then the policeman who had hidden the explosives

couldn't remember where they had hidden them.

If a sniffer dog can't sniff out the bomb, then that's just a dog.

That is... That is a tough thing, to tear into a dog,

take that badge of a dog.

-You're just demoted to a dog.

-HE WHINES

You're off the force!

This explosive they lost, I gather it was called C-4.

-C-4, yeah.

-Which presumably means they got another chance to find it again an hour later on C-4+1.

APPLAUSE

I suspect the problem, honestly, with the sniffer dog,

was that it had been sniffing drugs all afternoon,

couldn't remember what explosives smelt like.

"I'm supposed to be looking for some C-4, man,

"but I am off my tits, bruv, I tell you.

"This has been the best day ever."

-RAPIDLY:

-D-d-do you want my screenplay?

Yeah, it's about a dog, it's about a dog, who's a sniffer dog, and has lots of adventurers.

It's really good, I've worked on it for a long time, actually.

-HE SNIFFS

-Aaaahhh!

Wow! We should do this more! We should do this more! This is great!! Aaahhh!

Apparently, that's what it's like. Erm...

OK, at the end of that road, points go to Josh, Tiff and Andy.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.

If everyone can make their way to the performance area please, I'll read this week's topics

and then see what our panellists can come up with. Here we go.

The first subject is...

I think you may have to wear braces.

It's just that you're very fat and your trousers keep falling down.

I'm just a bit surprised, that's all. When I said "spit it out,"

I wasn't expecting you to say you were shagging my wife.

Hello, is that Mr Chang? We need to change your appointment.

No, we can do 2:15 or 2:45.

Welcome to Dick Van Dyke, the dentist.

I'm afraid it's worse than bad breath.

You've got supercalifragalistic extreme halitosis.

I wouldn't say that your root canal is in a bad way,

but I've just found a shopping trolley in it.

Do you want a lollipop for being such a brave boy?

Of course you do, that's why your teeth look like cheesy Wotsits, you little prick.

And now, if you inhale the gas

and try and guess what I had for breakfast.

Yep, you're right. They are false.

Had a good feel while she was unconscious.

Eeeeeeeeee!

No, don't worry. That's not the sound of the drill,

it's just that my receptionist's a Scouser.

The dental hygienist will see you soon.

She's just going for a shit.

Upper right six. Lower left seven.

Sorry, I'll be with you as soon as I've finished this game of Battleships.

Can I think of a celebrity whose veneers I'd like to copy?

Probably Princess Monaco of Kent.

Why do I want a crown?

Well, I'm Princess Monaco of Kent.

This is most unusual, Madame. You don't seem to have any teeth at all.

What's that? You're here for a smear test? That's next door.

OK, the next topic is...

LAUGHTER

The next topic is...

And Sleeping Beauty slept for 100 nights.

In fairness, it had been a massive bender.

"Ah, Black Beauty," she said.

"I'm glad I bought you rather than the Rampant Rabbit."

The dragon looked at him scarily.

The little Hobbit stepped up to him and said,

"Hello, I'm Josh Widdicombe."

-I'm not doing the laugh. I'm not doing a laugh.

-You are!

"What big eyes you have, Grandma," said Little Red Riding Hood.

"Yes," said Grandma,

"I'm off my tits on methamphetamine."

You do not like green eggs and ham?

Well, tough - this is a Wetherspoon's.

Mr Toad, Ratty and Badger all went on an adventure in the motor car.

Then, Mr Toad accidentally said something racist on camera

and was on his final warning from the BBC.

"I bet you wish you were like me -

"I fall over all the time and I never hurt myself," said Mr Bounce.

"Oh, fuck off," said Mark Cavendish.

And behind the jumpers and the coats at the back of the wardrobe, there he was -

Julian Assange.

I'll huff and I'll puff

and I'll blow you for £5.

"Well, what shall we call our baby?" said Mr Dizzy.

"Ooh, let's think," said Miss Rascal.

Spot wondered why he'd been placed into the sack with the brick.

But either way, this was going to be the best trip to the canal ever.

The Fat Controller went on a business strategy course

and, from then on, he wanted to be known as

the horizontally-gifted chief operations manager.

"Well, Cinderella," she said. "I'm your fairy princess.

"Princess Monaco of Kent."

HE MOUTHS

Charlie couldn't believe he was being allowed into the chocolate factory.

His girlfriend had been dead against it for years.

It was maybe because Mr Tickle could reach around doorways and through windows

that he came to the attention of Operation Yewtree.

And then you just have to try and pay your mortgage off before you die.

Good night, son.

And at the end of that round, the points go to Romesh, Hugh and Gary.

CHEERING APPLAUSE

And that's the end of the show.

This week's winners are Andy Parsons, Tiff Stevenson and Josh Widdicombe.

CHEERING

Commiserations to Romesh Ranganathan Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.