Episode 6 Mock the Week

# Read about the things that happen

# throughout the world

# Don't believe in everything

# you see or hear

# Read all about it

# Read all about it

# News of the world

# News of the world

# Read all about it

# Read all about it

# News of the world

# News of the world. #

Hello and welcome to Mock the Week.

I'm Dara O Briain. Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Zoe Lyons

and Russell Kane, Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.

APPLAUSE

We start with a round called Picture Of The Week.

I show the panel a topical image

and ask them to tell me what's happening.

So, what is going on here?

The worst stag do ever.

Is it the picture that Angela Merkel's going to send

David Cameron for his Christmas card?

This is just a mark of how confident the German team were,

because that is actually before the game.

Angela Merkel is actually in the starting 11.

It's nice to see a picture, though, of German men

with one arm in the air that doesn't feel threatening, isn't it?

There was a lot of that, when you watched the celebrations,

people like, "Wahey!" And you were like,

"Just throw the other one up. Just throw the other one up."

Do you reckon Wayne Rooney looked at that picture and thought,

"Why couldn't we have had a prostitute that age?

"Right up my street."

People are accusing the Germans of arrogance,

but this photo, was, in fact,

actually taken at the end of Neymar's hospital bed.

I need somebody to tell me what it is.

And we all know what it is, but I need...

You actually need someone to tell you?!

Yes, cos I haven't seen any of these things. Who are these men?

What is the event they're attending?

Please, I have recently arrived in this country from foreign shores

and I'm unfamiliar with your traditions.

It's the German team in the dressing room having won the World Cup

with Chancellor Merkel.

-No, no.

-Absolutely, of course. Thank you very much, Hugh Dennis.

-How did you...?!

-I don't know. APPLAUSE

Yes, of course, this is a picture of the victorious German football team

celebrating their World Cup win in the dressing room

with Chancellor Angela Merkel.

Germany defeated Argentina in the final

by a single goal from Mario Gotze in extra time,

becoming the first European team

ever to win a World Cup in South America.

Were you shouting for anyone, or not for anyone or...?

Most English people were shouting for Germany,

which is a first, really, isn't it? Let's face it.

But I guess compared to Argentina, you know,

people find Germany preferable on the whole

because at least they don't keep asking us

to give them France back, do they? So...

Personally I was at a Six Senses spa having a paraffin wrap,

so I didn't catch it.

-Zoe, were you watching it?

-I did watch it.

It was difficult as an England fan to watch Germany versus Argentina.

It's like - typhoid or cholera, which would you prefer?

Is it still a thing, though?

I think it is still a thing,

because I was kind of backing Germany

cos we hate them less now, yeah.

I thought... I didn't mind who won.

I just, like... It was a good game - but I found it very difficult

just watching as an England fan

because it's all gone so wrong for England,

and I bet if you're watching in four years' time on Dave -

we're still shit, aren't we?

APPLAUSE

I could never support the Argentinians,

not after what Maradona did at Wembley in 2003.

He didn't sing Material Girl.

The one I love, the guy I loved being there is Putin,

-because he was there, cos they're hosting the next one.

-Yes.

And every country that hosts it is desperate to win,

and he must have been looking at that final thinking,

"The only way that Russia are going to win

"is if we invade Germany."

Putin sitting next to Blatter was the finest photograph

in the history of democracy.

"How do you win your elections?"

"Oh, I never run against anyone."

"Me neither, ha! High-five."

"High-five."

The death of Brazilian football,

-that's what they'd witnessed.

-Ah, yeah, that was...

-Not funny, but interesting.

-Well, you say that...

It was kind of funny.

A few weeks ago, I was talking about the heads,

the way they're over-emphasising the pretty women in the crowd

type shots all the time,

and I, on the show, called for more shots of children crying. And...

LAUGHTER

And then when they posted that one of a small boy

just blubbing his eyes... He's pushing his glasses out of his face,

and he's got a Coca Cola can, which is beautiful branding,

absolutely spectacular branding.

And he's weeping into it - and I got sent that image

four or five thousand times on Twitter

in the minute after it was posted with the words, "Happy now?"

Yes, yes, I was. I was thrilled.

You think Brazil got humiliated,

but did you see Joe Hart in that shampoo ad?

No, obviously not.

There were headlines about Brazil, going,

"Brazil - Finally We Know Shame."

You're going, "You are aware of what the rest of the world refers to

"when they say 'A Brazilian'."

Your name is not always merely associated with beautiful football

but also pubic topiary.

That's probably the problem, their formation's just too narrow.

They have to play one, one, one, one, one, one, one.

And the goalie was the arsehole.

You know, in the semifinal, when Neymar was injured,

they made him sit on the bench in full kit..

-Did you see that?

-Yeah.

As a sort of talisman. And you think that is just ridiculous,

he's not allowed to play - who would we do that with?

We'd have to do it with Bobby Charlton?

LAUGHTER

We should do that -

we should just have Frankie Boyle just sitting there.

Not saying anything...

Just angrily staring across at any use of whimsy.

As a non sports fan, as a non sports fan, are you relieved it's over?

The main thing that's fascinating for me

about British culture is the fact that viewing figures went up

when it started to go horribly wrong for Brazil.

That says everything about us as a culture.

Particularly our men, like people like my dad, whose humour...

The last time my dad laughed

was when he saw a Jaguar written off on the M11.

COCKNEY ACCENT: "Look at the state of that. Ha, ha, ha!"

People in Britain say, "No, I can't stand football."

"Brazil are losing, people are sobbing."

"Switch it on. Classic."

I wasn't impressed with Mr Messi, though.

It wasn't like the book at all.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Of course, Luis Suarez has gone to Barcelona - 75 million.

He apparently had a celebration meal with his mum in Uruguay.

Well, I say he had a celebration meal -

apparently he lost his balance and the meal hit him in the teeth.

And on the BBC it also coincided with Alan Hansen's last game, didn't it?

And nobody asked him the question,

I've always wanted to ask him about that scar...

WHEN he was attacked by Lord Voldemort.

I wonder if any old German war criminals gave themselves away,

watching that match.

Because there's a few of them in Argentina, isn't there?

That were watching it in their local pub,

and they just went, "YES! Oh, no, sorry."

One campaign, by the way, that also slightly kind of backfired

is Singapore ran an anti-gambling campaign

about a young kid called Andy,

and it was about how Andy's dad had wasted their family's money

because he was a gambler

and Singapore wants to stamp out gambling -

but it wasn't quite as heart-rending as it could have been

because of the scripting of the ad. This is the poster they had for it.

"I hope Germany wins, my dad bet all my savings on them."

LAUGHTER

So the ad was basically, "Well done, Andy!

"Hey, little Andy's going to Disneyland

"because gambling pays off."

In other news, how has David Cameron been shaking things up this weekend?

He's shuffled round the cabinet.

It's like the Tour de France,

he's got rid of lots of the big names, hasn't he?

They've all fallen over.

But the one person, the one person who's still in the same job

is Eric Pickles - which, according to the thing I read,

is because he's very difficult to move.

APPLAUSE

They were thinking of giving him a sideways move, apparently,

but then they decided it was easier to leave him where he was

and move everybody else around him.

Yes, he wanted to update his...

The Cabinet were described as male, pale and stale,

which does sound a bit... It should be done like that...

"Honey, this cabinet is male, pale, and stale.

"Fail."

I just want to know what Nick Clegg does

on a day when they re-shuffle the cabinet -

if he just sits at home with his own cabinet

going, "Oh, I'll put the rice near the spaghetti."

Good job.

In theory it's supposed to show that he's -

you know, being very pro-women.

You know, it's very positive for women

that he's added more women to the cabinet.

But one of the women he added was a woman called Nicky Morgan,

who previously was the Minister for Women

and now she's Education Secretary -

but STILL Minister for Women.

So that's how important the job of Minister for Women is -

you can still do that and this other full-time job.

I just find it creepy when a load of old Tories go,

"We need more women in the cabinet,"

and you can just see all the women shuffling past.

"Can you get through there, you skinny thing?"

-Ken Clarke's gone as well, hasn't he?

-Ken Clarke has gone.

Do you reckon he'll resign in jazz, because he's really into it?

"I'm leaving." HE SCATS

Does Ken Clarke do all... Does he scat everything he does?

That's why he had to leave. Inappropriate.

"Get to the point, Ken, get to the point!

"Stop soloing. Stop riffing on this..."

HE SCATS

"The Euro..." HE SCATS

HE IMITATES DOUBLE BASS

"Ken!"

Apparently, the cabinet is now more Euro-sceptic,

but imagine thinking that Europe doesn't actually exist.

LAUGHTER

I mean, I had a near Europe experience once...

..when I was on holiday in Kent.

I found myself walking along a tunnel towards the light.

In the end someone said, "Bonjour."

It's so unfair, I thought I led a good life.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

You're never quite sure which week Milton is actually mocking, are you?

At the end of that round

the points will go to Russell, Zoe and Andy!

Now we play a round called Ich Bin Ein Berwinner.

This game involves Zoe and Milton,

so, if you could make your way to the performance area, please.

This round is a stand-up challenge.

I launch the wheel of news and wherever it chooses to stop,

one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.

OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.

The first topic is...drinking.

Who wants to come in on that? Zoe.

I like a drink.

Realised I was probably drinking a bit too much recently

when I turned to a friend not so long ago and went,

"Oh, that is a very nice breakfast wine."

I like a bit of rose.

Who doesn't like a bit of rose?

Or princess-petrol, as I like to call it.

Favourite wine - obviously the box of wine.

I enjoy a box of wine.

People are snobby about boxes of wine in this country -

I'm like, "No! Wine you can stack - it's brilliant."

I love a box of wine, because glass is so revealing, isn't it?

It's transparent, it tells a tale, doesn't it?

You can see how much you've had of a bottle of wine...

but you can't see through my cardboard box of wine, can you?

You have no idea how much of this five-litre box of wine

I have slowly but steadily been sipping my way through

during the course of this shitty, shitty party.

Sometimes I just stick a big straw in the top

and pretend it's a massive Ribena.

APPLAUSE

And it keeps giving, doesn't it?

It keeps giving. You think, "It should be finished by now."

You get to the end, you do all the classic things,

you tip it on its side, you depress the little stopper -

that's where an amateur will stop.

They will discard the box of wine,

but a connoisseur like myself, we know there's more.

There's more lurking, isn't there?

You rip open the cardboard head.

You pull out the silvery intestines

and you play what I like to refer to

as the alcoholic bagpipe into your glass.

APPLAUSE

Thank you, Zoe. Well done.

So, that leaves us with Milton.

Let's see what you've been left with, let's spin the wheel.

And the topic is communication.

Away you go.

Is it just me, or are the instructions to electrical goods

these days far too complicated?

I mean, I just don't know that many languages.

LAUGHTER

Words are powerful things.

Sometimes a single letter H

can attract helicopters.

It has to be a big one.

The hours I spent watching that hot tap...

APPLAUSE

Similes, what are they like?

Of course, years ago, in Wales, the letter T went on strike

and they had the great T strike of 1922,

or, as they had to call it,

"The great 'ee 'rike "of nine-een-wenny-oo."

Everyone had to get to work by ram.

LAUGHTER

In the end the strike was broken

and the Ts had to get together with random groups of consonants

and that is how the Welsh language was formed.

APPLAUSE

Nuisance phone calls. Oh!

They put the bills up!

LAUGHTER

I can't even count to ten in French.

Un, deux, trois, quatre,

cinq, six, sept, arrrgh!

Sorry, I've got a "huit" allergy.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Well done.

At the end of that round,

points for Zoe! Come on and sit back down again.

APPLAUSE

Our next round is called

If This Is The Answer What Is The Question?

On the board are six categories.

-Russell, which category would you like?

-Technology, please.

OK, technology. The answer is...

4 years. What is the question?

Is that the amount of time it would take that Magaluf girl

to orally pleasure every man on the planet?

AUDIENCE GROANS

Is it how long till Germany win the World Cup again?

LAUGHTER

Is it for how long have I been "writing a sitcom" now?

How's that going?

Oh, it's going to be my ticket off this show!

LAUGHTER

One Direction are rumoured to be splitting up.

What is the average age of people who give a shit?

Is it the average response time of the snail ambulance?

LAUGHTER

Is it if Scotland become independent

what are they planning on reducing the legal drinking age to?

If you add it all up,

how much of your life do you spend standing in a room going,

"What did I come in here for?"

Is it... Dara, is it...

how long...have I wanted to tell you that I love you.

Back off!

Is it the actual number of years

Mick Hucknall could hold back

before he looked like a clown dipped in acid?

LAUGHTER

How long does it take the average person in Rotherham

to eat five fruit and veg?

Potato is a veg.

LAUGHTER

Does anybody know what the correct answer is?

When are they going to try and build a spaceport in the UK?

It is absolutely right. Thank you very much, Andy Parsons, well done.

APPLAUSE

Yes, the question I was looking for was

how long will it be before the UK gets its very own spaceport?

This is the news that Britain is to build a commercial spaceport

which should be operational in 2018.

It is almost ludicrously close,

because that means that you'll be able to actually take off

and look down and see HS2 not being built.

-Are you excited? How exciting is this?

-It's very exciting.

And Virgin Galactic, they're going to take off at the end of this year,

apparently, in New Mexico,

and Richard Branson says he's going to be on the first flight.

Now, given his success with his ballooning,

that is a very brave move, isn't it?

It's ludicrous to call it...

Virgin Galactic is what it's called, isn't it?

You know they only go 62 miles up, don't they,

they get to the outer edges of the atmosphere.

And that isn't actually that exciting, is it?

That's like saying at the beginning of Star Wars, "A long time ago

"in a galaxy as far away as London is from Portsmouth."

LAUGHTER

They're talking about putting it in Scotland,

but they were talking about putting it on an island in the Hebrides, Benbecula or something like that.

But they're saying it's unlikely though,

cos people won't want to go that far...to go into space.

If you can't be arsed dragging yourself to the Hebrides,

perhaps space isn't for you.

I wouldn't want to go on a Sunday, because that, let's face it,

that is a bloody long bus replacement service.

Isn't British Space Control, like air-traffic control,

isn't it going to be in Swindon? Isn't that where it is?

I have no idea where British Space Control is, no.

"Swindon, we have a problem."

"All right, my lover."

Surely it will be, "Swindon, we have a problem."

"Well, we're in Swindon!"

I don't know how it works.

Do you literally just go up and down? Do you go round a bit?

-You go up and down. That's all you do.

-Literally up and down.

-You're already spinning.

-Not even across a bit.

-You really are so down on this!

I'm genuinely surprised by the lack of wonder.

"Oh, it's only shit."

If there was somebody up there

pretending to be an alien attacking the craft, or something like that,

that would make it more worth it.

-So they should position somebody up there?

-A hot-air balloon.

A high-level hot-air balloon that throws...

Just sprays it with silly string even, to look like alien tentacles.

You see the curvature of the Earth and the stars above,

but you don't think that's sufficiently exciting!

Pretend aliens...

Somebody goes, "Oh, no, now we're under attack.

"Wah-wah-wah."

Call me a dreamer.

You're the lamest bunch of people in the world.

Bunch of weirdos(!)

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK, what NHS operations might more people be eligible for?

You're going to be able to get gastric bypasses on the NHS.

More fat people will be eligible for them, apparently.

You're wondering whether they really need a gastric bypass

or whether they need a Greggs bypass

just to avoid the shop in the first place.

By the way, we don't say fat people.

The term is "jolly" or..."cuddly"...

or, for those who are extremely obese, "morbidly jolly".

Apparently there's so many fat people now,

that people don't feel that they're fat

because they're surrounded by lots of other fat people.

So the secret is, if you do want to lose some weight,

it's not actually to lose any weight if you're feeling fat -

just hang around other fat people,

you'll feel much better about yourself.

I feel the same way.

Sometimes when I feel I'm too funny I come on this show.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

That sounds like I was slagging you off.

It did sound that way, and they rather enjoyed it.

The one I hate is when people say,

"All I've got to do is look at a cake and I put on weight."

That's the worst line. I actually tested it.

I kidnapped someone, I locked them in the room

and I just showed cake at the window.

Two weeks later, dead and thin - what a liar.

People talk about the obesity time-bomb, don't they?

The obesity time-bomb.

You just think,

God, I really hope I'm not in the area when that goes off.

These days people eat too much and they don't go out.

The obese agoraphobic is very much the elephant in the room.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

They've produced a league table of the obese nations.

The obesity league table.

America was on top of the table, I think we were third.

An obesity league table -

surely that was crying out for a pie chart.

APPLAUSE

A very amusing joke, but mathematically incorrect. OK.

At the end of that round the points go to Ed, Hugh and Milton!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.

So if everyone can make their way over to the performance area, please,

I'll read out this week's topics

and we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

OK. Here we go.

The first subject is...

We, the jury, have yet to reach a final verdict,

but we would like to have a guess.

Is it Mrs Peacock with the candlestick in the library?

LAUGHTER

The defendant is, as you can see, an evil man with a black heart.

But nice, firm buttocks.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

The Guildford Four and the Birmingham Six

were miscarriages of justice.

But S Club 7 must remain in prison.

If I'm guilty of anything, it's caring too much.

And embezzlement.

Embezzlement and caring too much.

That's all I'm guilty of.

It appears that we have a hung jury.

Thank you, gentlemen,

you can put your trousers back on now.

OK, Mr Pistorius, there will now be a toilet break.

Don't anybody else go in there.

APPLAUSE

Before I pass down this sentence of death, how about a selfie?

Oh, my God, your death face is so random.

You are accused of stealing top-of-the-range toilet rolls.

How do you plead?

Quilty or not quilty?

LAUGHTER

No, Mr Coulson, we're not going to tell you your sentence,

instead we've left a message for you on Hugh Grant's voice mail.

APPLAUSE

I am now going to pronounce sentence.

Sen-tence.

LAUGHTER

Mr Clapton, I put it to you

that it is highly unlikely

that you did not shoot the deputy,

given that you've already admitted

that you did shoot the sheriff.

LAUGHTER

OK...

# Rock-a-bye, baby,

# On the tree top... #

Oh, "alibi"...

LAUGHTER

Well, it's been a long and complex trial,

so, before sentencing, let's have a look at some of your best bits!

Mr Pistorius, the court rejects your defence

that at the time of the crime

you were legless.

LAUGHTER

And now, Mr Harris,

it is time for your sentence.

Can you tell what it is yet?

You are accused of unnecessarily advertising a make of smoothie.

How do you plead? Be careful.

LAUGHTER

OK, the next topic is...

Watch out for Crocs,

because anybody wearing Crocs is a bell-end.

APPLAUSE

What's incredible about the emperor penguin

is its ability to make you look like a shit father.

This is the most fantastic migration I've ever seen.

These Romanians are moving in next door to Nigel Farage.

LAUGHTER

If you're in the jungle for a few months,

use a leaf and some river moss from a bank.

It really does feel like a lady.

Well, it took some pliers and an awful lot of gaffer tape

but I finally got this flamingo's legs on the right way round.

I have spent my whole life living with hyenas.

It hasn't been easy

but there've been a lot of laughs as well.

LAUGHTER

DARA HOWLS WITH LAUGHTER

The barbs that come off these tiny creatures can be very painful.

This one just called me a talentless wanker.

LAUGHTER

The pack of meerkats surrounded the helpless lizard

and, within seconds,

he'd been forced to change his car-insurance supplier.

The comics, or jesterlings,

all jostle for position,

eager to present their humour to the large alpha male.

Urgggh!

BUZZER

LAUGHTER

A badger, in its natural environment -

on the hard shoulder being pecked at by crows.

This lioness has just had four cubs,

but it's not as sweet as it looks.

She's also had three Brownies, two Guides and a Venture Scout.

And this little fella,

this little bird,

his head can literally turn three hundred and....

LAUGHTER

That's owls, isn't it?

And now the male attempts you-know-what

by putting his thingamajig

in the female's what-d'you-ma-call-it.

APPLAUSE

And here I am in the shrubbery outside the BBC Centre.

And I think I've spotted... I have, I've spotted one -

this is extremely rare.

It is... It's a female panellist.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Just one bite from this snake

can paralyse the nervous system in three seconds.

LAUGHTER

You'll have to excuse the trembling excitement in my voice,

as I am currently being noshed off by Bill Oddie.

LAUGHTER

OK, at the end of that round the points go to Russell, Zoe and Andy!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And that's the end of the show.

This week's winners are Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones!

CHEERING

Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Zoe Lyons and Russell Kane.

CHEERING

Thank you for watching, I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.

# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

# Read all about it

# Read all about it

# News of the world News of the world. #