Episode 7 Mock the Week

This programme contains some strong language

MUSIC: News Of The World by The Jam

APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Dara O Briain.

Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Katherine Ryan

and Josh Widdicombe, Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.

APPLAUSE

We start with a round called -

If this is the answer, what is the question?

On the board are six categories.

Katherine, which category would you like?

-Politics.

-OK, Politics is the category.

The answer is 307 years. What is the question?

Is it, how long does an episode of Tumble feel like?

Is it, how long before it's safe to play a wobble board again?

In many ways,

the wobble board industry was the real victim of that.

Is it, how much older than her face do Madonna's hands look?

Is it, what is the age of Alexander Armstrong plus Tess Daly,

plus Claudia Winkleman times Blue Ivy, minus Rachel Riley,

plus me, plus the Queen?

No, you're off by a couple of years.

Is it, how long before climate change will change Scotland

into a viable holiday destination?

Dara, if loving you was illegal,

how long would they have to sentence me for?

Really, really creepy.

Is it, what is the combined age of 307 One Direction fans?

Is it, without the plastic surgery, how old did Joan Rivers look?

AUDIENCE GROANS

Tragedy plus time.

There's no "plus time" with Joan Rivers.

It's how long her body will take to decompose.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Sorry, Joan.

-It's what she would have wanted.

-Peace out, Joan, peace out.

When will the Jeremy Kyle Show run out of scum?

I distance myself from that sentiment.

OK, does anyone have the actual answer? 307 years, come on.

How long has Scotland been a part of Great Britain?

That's absolutely right, yes.

Yes, the question I was looking for was -

how long has it been since the union between England

and Scotland came into being?

Ahead of next week's referendum in Scotland, a YouGov poll suggested

support for independence is in the lead for the first time.

Although other surveys indicate the No campaign is still just ahead.

It's a very highly charged issue, and lots of people feel

very strongly about it, so it's important that we're not seen here

to be taking sides, and we remain impartial.

It also helps there are literally no Scottish people

appearing on the show this week.

That is not a coincidence that there are no Scottish people in public

who want to give an opinion on this.

"Oh, no, I'm not available that week."

Is it just me or every time you hear YouGov you want to go,

"Yes, squire?"

I know that Scottish people don't like it when people who aren't

Scottish discuss it, though, because it's very,

"It's nothing to do with you."

But it does affect all of us, because if Scotland go independent

that will affect everybody.

Every country on the planet will now have to buy an embassy in Scotland.

And, you know, Greece can't afford a house in Edinburgh.

Certainly not during Festival time.

Ireland, Greece and Portugal - we'll have to get together

and, like, share a flat in Falkirk.

It will affect everybody, though, won't it?

If Scotland go independent,

the chance of a united Ireland is that much greater.

There's a good chance that Wales will then leave.

Yorkshire will leave. Cornwall will leave.

It will be "the more United Queendom of lesser Britain and no Ireland,"

that is what it will be.

I think we should just do a thing where...

a kind of "one out, one in" policy.

So, when they go we'll, like, get Mexico,

and then if England want to go... In the end,

we could have a whole new line-up, like, you know the Sugababes?

That would be a great idea.

It would be good if it could be Mexico, Syria

and Mutya Buena in the United Kingdom.

Mexico is edging its way in.

I've noticed a lot more burrito availability.

Burritos are very much the beach-head of the Mexico

becoming part of the United Kingdom.

It's unusual... Some of the effects of it...

If it's a Yes vote, the average rainfall in Britain will go down.

The average life expectancy in Britain will go up.

And the Wimbledon clock will have to be reset at 78 years,

and also saying things like...

-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-"You'll have had your tea, then," will now be racist.

Cos they weren't to begin with?

It's just like... inter-regional joshing,

whereas now it's across international borders -

that's an act of war.

The rhetoric of the No campaign has been very negative for a No campaign.

It has been!

In a way, if you think of it as being a break-up,

rather than being like, "I don't think this is working out,

"and I want to leave you." Rather than responding with,

"But come on. We're such a great team,

"the great times we've had together."

Rather than being like that, they've been like,

"You're going to leave? You'd be nothing without me!"

Personally, I'm just impressed at the speed with which

the No campaign managed to get Kate pregnant.

Quite incredible.

I think that part of the problem is that the Scots, the English,

the Welsh and Irish - they've all got very strong identities -

whereas when anybody thinks of a British identity,

they tend to think of a sort of watered-down English stereotype,

more of a Hugh Grant sort of figure.

Whereas, of course, that's not the accurate English stereotype.

Much more accurate - fat, tracksuit and chips,

getting sucked off in Magaluf.

But if you think of that, that could easily be Scottish,

Welsh or Irish.

-That is the vision that we should be showing people.

-You're right.

The answer is staring you straight in the face and it is fried chicken.

And I know this because I was about ten years old during

the French/Canadian referendum in Canada, and they were really upset.

They felt their French culture wasn't being respected in Canada.

Now, French Canadians don't realise

they are not considered French anywhere else in the world,

but they wanted signage to be all in French.

And KFC is KFC in France.

But in Quebec, they wanted it PFK, Poulet Frites Kentucky,

and they banged on about that for ages. And as far as I remember -

I was ten years old - we gave it to them, and they relaxed.

That's great! So you would suggest

driving vans up to Scotland and just going...

HE SPEAKS FRENCH

You can change the name so it would be McKFC

and Mc-McDonalds.

Why don't we just call it Kilmarnock Fried Chicken.

Is anyone else worried about the future of

the Great British Bake Off?

It's surprising that it hasn't been more of an issue, to be honest.

Three weeks left - what if they go?

That invalidates the result of the series. Bread week next week.

What? They're leaving just before bread week?!

These people are animals!

I think that Britain carries on, though, doesn't it?

The United Kingdom just becomes a slightly different thing,

-but Britain still exits, doesn't it?

-Great Britain goes, yeah, it does.

Great Britain goes, but Britain remains.

Couldn't we just scale it down and just become Good Britain?

Instead of UK - OK.

Cos, you've still got Wales - poor Wales.

"We won't be the United Kingdom any more." Wales is like,

"I'm literally right here."

The No campaign have tried to rebrand the Union

to make it more sexy.

They tried to learn from the fact that Brad and Angelina

became known as Brangelina.

They tried to take England and Scotland

and put them together, and call them...England.

But this is independence, I'm sorry.

I haven't really got involved in this at all. As an Irish person

you kind of feel, "No, this is for you to worry about."

Because the issues in Ireland, when we were looking for independence,

were distinctly different.

And it was like, at no point during Michael Collins's negotiations of

the treaty in 1919 would it have changed if somebody had leaned in

and gone, "But what currency will we use?"

"Oh, you're right.

"We hadn't thought this through, actually. Sorry."

But equally, it is kind of weird because you're going,

"not a shot fired".

This is independence without anyone being killed.

Any countries that have gained independence,

this is the most peaceful...

We would have loved, if independence were going,

"Yeah, I've got work, then I've got coffee,

"then I'm going to get independence, then I'm going to do pilates."

It's been the most peaceful so far,

but Nigel Farage has yet to go up to Glasgow.

It's a nightmare scenario for him because if Scotland votes Yes,

immediately he's got five million more foreigners

massing on England's shores.

They've just brought Gordon Brown in, and he's leading the No campaign.

He might conceivably get the result he wants,

because when he led Labour in the General Election,

he got a resounding no, didn't he?

Apparently, their secret weapon is they've offered to reduce

Five-A-Day to Three-A-Day.

The English are worried about losing the oil, but I was thinking,

why don't we just, you know,

boost up the fracking on the Scottish border, right,

to make good our energy needs, and then if it all goes tits-up,

we'll have a physical divide as well as a constitutional divide.

You, essentially, you want to blow a hole between...

We could then, like, all sit on the side and push it off with our legs.

How deep is the hole that you're hoping to...that you would put,

-and would it float off?

-I'll be absolutely honest with you,

I haven't thought through all the implications.

I'm going to tell you, whatever about the politics,

the geology of your suggestion is also relatively weak!

And then we'll drag Mexico into place!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and Gary.

APPLAUSE

Now we play a round called Jock The Week. This game...

LAUGHTER

..involves Josh and Gary.

So if you could make your way to the performance area.

This round is a stand-up challenge. I launch the Wheel Of News

and wherever it chooses to stop,

one of our performers must step forward and talk about the subject.

OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.

So the first subject is Weather.

Who wants to come in on that? Josh.

My parents live in Devon, where they had these storms earlier this year.

I got a very strange text off my mum just before the storms. It said,

"So, Josh, just so you know - the storms are on their way

"so I've put the wheelie bin in the shed."

I'm not sure what I'm meant to do with this information.

I was going, "Oh thank God for that, I've been worrying."

That's not what you do before a storm.

"Shall we get the kids inside?"

"No, get the wheelie bin in the shed, mate,

"it'll take another month to order one of those from the council."

I've been watching the news going, "Terrible storms hit Britain,

"14 wheelie bins are missing."

I couldn't care less, I live 250 miles away.

How strong are these storms that I need to watch out for the bin?

The people I feel sorry for during the storms

are the "on the spot reporters".

They are people that know their bosses do not value them at all.

They are people who got to work and their boss has gone,

"Have you heard, there's a terrible storm on the way?"

"Do you think I should go home?"

"Better than that, mate.

"I'm sending you down to the edge of the sea...

"where you're going to interview a man whose umbrella is inside out."

People I don't like are those that complain during the storms,

their flights were cancelled.

I wouldn't complain if my flight was cancelled during a storm.

I'd complain if I got to the airport

and my flight was the only one that wasn't cancelled.

If you got to the airport

and they went, "EasyJet Flight E4597 is going to have a go for it."

Well done, Josh.

OK, that leaves us with Gary,

let's see what you've been left with. spin the wheel.

And the subject is Transport. OK, away you go.

I had a nightmare on the journey over here,

and luckily that woke me up just before I ran over a small child.

The other day I lost control at a roundabout,

and then I went absolutely bonkers on the swings.

I stopped in a lay-by. There was a sign saying NO DUMPING -

that was all right, I was just having a wee.

I joined a breakdown service for Scousers.

It's called the "AA - calm down, calm down."

If they can't fix your car in an hour,

they'll nick you a new one.

The Paralympics taught us all that sometimes we should stop and

put ourselves in the place of people with disabilities, and I have to say

those parking spaces are brilliant.

In the car on the way over here

I kept hearing this annoying whiny noise, so I pulled over,

my girlfriend got out to have a look at the engine, and I drove off.

The other night, I saw a couple weaving all over the street.

I said, "Honestly, get a loom."

APPLAUSE

I accidently filled the Escort with diesel.

She died.

OK. Points to both of you there, come on back, come on back.

OK, our next round is called Picture Of The Week.

I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me

what is happening. So, what's going on here?

Cameron is saying to the Welsh people, "Look at the kind of guests

"I bring to countries that don't ask for independence."

Is it the weirdest ever edition of Snog, Marry, Avoid?

He's probably saying, "In this relationship, he's me,

"and I'm Nick Clegg."

Is he so posh, Cameron, that he's not playing air guitar,

but he's playing air lute.

Is Cameron going, "So then the black guy says to the waiter..."

"He's standing right there, isn't he?"

That would be a diplomatic incident, wouldn't it?

Is he saying, "I'll be home late tonight,

"this one's dragging me out for a pint."

Is this proof that leaders ARE shape-shifting lizards?

That's Cameron, Obama and Angela Merkel.

He's going, "I've been telling them how you're all going to help me

"to catch the known terrorist Abu-Gavenny."

Is he saying, "We used to have one of these fellers at the Bullingdon

"Club, he used to bring us drinks and play some jazz piano."

Now, anyone got the actual answer?

It's the NATO summit which was held in Newport.

Yes indeed. Well done. Thank you very much, Hugh.

Yes, this is a picture of US President Barack Obama

and Prime Minister David Cameron during the recent NATO summit

held at the Celtic Manor golf club and hotel in Newport, South Wales.

The summit marks the first time that a serving American president

has visited Wales, and talks were dominated by Afghanistan,

the situation in Iraq and the conflict between Russia and Ukraine.

I love the idea that lots of world leaders - their first thing

they see of Wales is Newport.

It is basically, isn't it, if you go there - strip club, takeaway,

strip club, takeaway.

If you're a lap-dancing chef, you get a lot of work in Newport.

Did they mean to meet in New York

but just have an autocorrect nightmare?

What security measures were implemented for the summit?

Oh, there was a ring of steel.

That was the term used for it. What was that?

-It's a fence.

-Yes, it was a fence, yes, a fence.

It's a big fence.

Yes, what they did, they put a fence...

They put it round some of Cardiff as well, around the castle.

They should have just... It's a castle.

On reflection, you know, you're right, there is

a rather large wall as part of the castle.

But they had like SWAT teams

and at 2am on a Friday night in Cardiff,

I want to see the hen party versus SWAT team kick off.

What did Barack Obama do immediately after the summit?

He did a rather extraordinary thing, which was...

He's got his own helicopter - it's called Marine One.

And Marine One was flying him, I think, to London,

and he made it stop on the way, because he wanted to see Stonehenge.

He said it was the highlight of his tour.

That is Newport for you, ladies and gentlemen.

He was also bloody lucky that when the helicopter landed,

it didn't blow all the stones over,

cos that would have been a disaster.

He said it was part of his bucket list.

It's good that Barack Obama's bucket list

contains school trips I did as a kid.

I hope going to Cheddar Gorge and Wookey Hole were also

part of his list...

Barack is no stranger to wonders.

I mean, he himself is an unarmed black man in America

who has never been shot by the police.

Do you know what I did like about the whole thing, though?

-What did you like?

-Some of the entertainment they had.

-What did they have?

-One of the things they were entertained by

was Prince Charles's official harp player.

That's badass.

Because if you think about it...

I'm not a big royalist, but when you're got someone like Obama

rolling into town, there's not many other world leaders

can sort of outdo him.

-But this guy...

-You know, you've got to go royal on his ass.

No-one else has got, like, Air Force One, Marine One,

but you can still go... "Have you got your own official harpist?"

Pretty sweet. "Can you have your own dream sequences. Oooh!"

But he's the Prince of Wales - why doesn't he just have whale music?

Surely that's more his thing.

Is he not that kind of whales?

No, he's not the Prince of all whales.

It's not like... It's not like Beastmaster.

I call forth the whales!

IMITATES WHALE

With them and my official harpist... Ooooooh, oooooh!

MIMES HARP PLAYING

I can't believe I've misunderstood that for 40 years.

Even this photo, I like to think he's just said,

"What, Congress won't let you have your own harpist?

"Baby, play him something."

-We had a harp in our house.

-Only the Prince of Wales could afford...

-We had a harp in our house...

-How Irish are YOU?!

-I'm unbelievably Irish.

-A harp in your house?

I am the most Irish person of all, come dance with me in Ireland.

We had a harp in the house, yeah.

Were the poor children of your town allowed to come and play the harp?

No, they would dance as I played. They would dance as I played...

I've got an image of you now as the Pied Piper of Dublin...

-Very much so.

-..leading the kids.

A pair of green culottes.

There will come a court case when they will replay this as evidence.

I come from a very different world.

Did you have clothes you could put on when you were playing the harp?

No, I played it naked, that's how I played the harp!

You straddle it...

You straddle the harp naked, a leg on either side, right?

But you hold your genitals close into the round bit,

so they're not there, and then...

And if you're drunk, you just bang it with your lad.

Bing, bing, bing-bong... Bing, bing, bong.

I challenge you all.

-None of you can play the harp with your penis like...

-I can!

None of you...

Is there a man here who can play the harp with his penis?

-Did you just call it your "lad"?

-Your lad, that's what you call it.

-No, it's not.

-Your lad.

In harp-playing country, that's what you call it, right?

No wonder Obama was looking surprised.

Sitting there with a harp... Aggressively, sexually...

"Come on!"

"What of it? What of it?!"

So you're playing a harp...

So you're playing a harp with an organ?

APPLAUSE D'you know what...?

Psychologically, this is doing me the world of good,

cos my dad was a bishop, so I used to spend quite a lot of my childhood

dressing up as a bishop, and I thought I was weird.

-Have you still got a harp?

-I don't have a harp.

There was a harp in the house when I grew up...and it's still there.

So now you have to go into, like, music shops to do it and stuff?

I might buy it, I might buy it!

-Some day!

-"Sir... Sir..."

Walking in and playing Stairway To Heaven with your lad?

"Sir, could you please at least wear a condom?"

"Other people have been trying that harp."

You don't want to get HARPIES.

Boom!

Aw, the neat end to that.

Well, that's the NATO summit covered.

This show... This show, man, it make some points,

it makes some points satirically.

What's wrong, Britain, too much truth for ya?

Yeah, wake up, SHEEPLE!

Lifting the wool from your eyes!

At the end of that round,

the winners are Josh, Katherine and Andy!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.

So if everyone can make their way to the performance area...

I'll read out this week's topics,

then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

OK, here we go. The first subject is...

Unlikely Small Ads.

For sale: One harp - really, really used.

For sale: One hang-glider.

Don't call before two, as we're attending a funeral.

BUZZER

For sale: Engagement ring, never used.

Would suit heartless bitch.

BUZZER

Do you need a dog walker?

You lazy bastard!

BUZZER

Comedian seeks new harp for no-STRINGS-attached sex.

BUZZER

After leaving an abusive relationship,

I'm looking for a fresh start.

Contact Scotland.

BUZZER

For sale: Freezer - not working properly,

would make ideal fridge.

BUZZER

Flexible nanny required.

My wife only does a missionary position.

BUZZER

For sale: Mitzuki 400 AK X3S with extended cab and vortex box

with two brushes.

Would suit somebody who knows what the fuck it is.

BUZZER

Retired celebrity lookie-likie seeks alternative employment.

Also for sale: Wobble board, didgeridoo and paintbrushes.

BUZZER

Do you enjoy moonlit walks in the park?

Then you might have witnessed a murder last Thursday.

BUZZER

Internet troll seeks stupid, fat whore, lesbian bitch

for stimulating conversation and walks on the beach.

BUZZER

For sale: Book of logic puzzles -

would suit somebody who wants a book of logic puzzles.

BUZZER

Correction: Last week's notice was mistakenly placed

in the Men Seeking Men column,

but actually, I am genuinely seeking someone

to demolish my back entrance.

OK, the next topic is...

Unlikely Lines From A Superhero Movie.

Come quick, Batman.

Catwoman has just regurgitated Robin at the kitchen door again!

BUZZER

He's stopped us again. Damn you, Lollipop Man!

BUZZER

Hey, Storm, I got somethin' needs blowing!

BUZZER

The Dark Knight Rises...

has a quick tug, goes flaccid again.

BUZZER

Spider-Man is dead and so is Fly-Man...

swallowed by There-Was-An-Old-Lady-Woman.

BUZZER

How was my date with Spider-Man?

Well, you know how the average person

swallows seven spiders in their sleep?

What if it's like a million more than that?

BUZZER

Oh, my God! There's a coach full of children

about to fall off a bridge on the M40!

Still not to worry, I can take the M1 instead.

BUZZER

A gas leak at the orphanage? Sounds like a job for me, the Human Torch.

BUZZER

You are the superhero every man wants to see...

Girl-On-Girl.

BUZZER

Help! We need to film these scenes quickly!

This must be a job for CAMERAMAN!

AUDIENCE: Yay!

BUZZER

Of all the mutants,

Magneto was the hardest to deal with,

as he was bipolar.

BUZZER

I am Patient Man -

I work out every day, eat a high-fibre diet

and simply outlive my enemies.

BUZZER

Faster than a speeding bullet, stronger than an ox,

and that's why we'd like you to piss in this cup.

BUZZER

They're getting away! What do we do, Patient Man?

We wait.

BUZZER

# Spider-Man, Spider-Man Does whatever a spider can. #

Help, I'm stuck in a bath!

BUZZER

I wonder what he's thinking... I wonder if he likes me.

I wonder if I'm fat.

Wonder Woman.

BUZZER

Is that your advice, Thor?

Normally, I just cook from frozen.

BUZZER

The gates to the Netherworld are opening!

Thor...!

Hit them with your fucking hammer.

BUZZER

At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh, and Gary!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And that's the end of the show.

This week's winners are...Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Katherine Ryan and Josh Widdicombe.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain, good night.

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