Episode 8 Mock the Week

# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

# Read all about it

# Read all about it

# News of the world, News of the world

# Read all about it

# Read all about it

# News of the world, News of the world. #

This programme contains some strong language.

Hello and welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Dara O Briain.

Joining me this week are

Andy Parsons, Sara Pascoe and Rob Beckett,

Romesh Ranganathan, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We start with a round called

If this is the Answer, What is the Question?

On the board are six categories.

-Sara, which category would you like?

-Politics, please.

OK, the category is politics.

The answer is...

What is the question?

Is that #Iraqwarspoilers?

Is it actually how is Chelsea Football Club funded?

Is it the three things you need to get on the property ladder?

Is it the rejected title for Tony Blair's autobiography?

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

-Lot of Blair fans in.

-Yeah.

Is it the Middle East version of rock, paper, scissors?

APPLAUSE

Very good.

Is it three things that A & E nurses have found up people's bottoms?

Is it three things America looks for in an enemy?

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

Haha!

What tour party are we getting into this show?

Those people over there, I've really annoyed,

who are huge fans of wars and Tony Blair.

I'm very sorry about that.

Is it since I've grown a beard

what am I most likely to be searched for in an airport?

Is it what does Abu Qatada shout at the moment of orgasm?

I'm going to move you towards a correct answer if I can.

Is it I lost a stone on which diet?

The correct answer is this is things that are going to be affected

if Scotland get independence.

That is...

-Whatever it is, it's about Scottish independence...

-It is.

..or as I like to call it, the Great British Break Off.

Yes, the question I was looking for was

what were three of the major issues

debated during the run-up to the referendum on Scottish independence?

Fierce debate has surrounded issues

such as the value of North Sea oil reserves,

the economic uncertainty that could follow a Yes victory,

and the removal of the UK's Trident nuclear submarines from Scotland.

As we air right now, the polls have just closed

and the votes are being counted so we have no idea what the results

are but, equally, we're probably less bound by the laws last week

in terms of we can't influence a vote

so we, magically, have zero power and zero information.

It is an exciting time to do a topical news quiz.

We can affect nothing and we have nothing to tell people.

It really is magical, magical.

So, it's the first time that we are already as out of date

-as the programme is on Dave.

-Yes!

Wow!

My big worry about the whole Scottish independence thing

is what happens on Friday morning?

How do they introduce Good Morning, Britain?

What presumably will happen, if it's a Yes vote,

is that on one of the Good Morning shows,

we will see live footage of Lorraine Kelly being arrested

and put into the back of a truck

with other well-known Scottish people and

being sent back to Scotland to host a show if she wants up there.

Who knows how she'll...?

She'll forage for berries or something, I don't know.

And other Scots will be simply driven away

-and dumped at the border...

-APPLAUSE

Don't applaud that! It's clearly a joke!

It hasn't come true, right?

"Yeah, yeah, that'll show them!

"That'll show the ones with no vote!"

I'm quite excited for them to go independent though because then

when I have a Scotch egg, I can claim to like foreign food.

Yeah, I eat around.

I'll have some delicacies, Scotch eggs.

It's not even in the UN. How's foreign's that?

The worry, though, is that as the economy collapses,

they'll go from Scotch eggs and all they'll have in the end

is like mini Scotch eggs,

which are nicer, in my opinion.

What if it goes really well and they become really rich

and they become olden-time kings

and start putting scotch eggs inside scotch eggs inside scotch eggs...?

Oh, my God, we'll have duck eggs inside like an emu egg

and then they'll get Faberge to build the outside of it

and then they'll put sausage round the outside of it.

What if they encase the whole of Scotchland in sausage meat...?

It is literally two minutes after the polls have closed.

We are not reverting to calling it Scotchland.

Did I say Scotchland?

I was talking about Scotch eggs and I said Scotchland.

I'm sorry, Scotland.

It's too late. Too late now.

It's either one way or the other.

I thought Scotch eggs was where Scottish people came from.

I think we're probably not reflecting the tenor of the debate

-as it occurred for the last two weeks.

-That's what makes me laugh.

"You can't say anything cos it might sway people's opinion."

As if they're going to go, "Whoa, whoa, I was going to vote no

"but Rob Beckett had a good point about Scotch eggs."

The people who did join in during the campaign,

-how much effect did they have?

-None.

Well, I mean David Cameron, he went up to Scotland, didn't he?

He referred to himself as the "effing Tories."

I don't think most Scottish people

had any clue what he was talking about.

If he'd said, "C-ing Tories..."

He came across like one of these teachers that's trying

to be all really cool, like,

"Hey, guys, yeah, I know you're worried about the bloody exams,

"do you know what I mean? It's so hard, isn't it?

"But I was just listening to some rap music on my way over here.

"This week, I'm totally down with the struggles, do you know what I mean?"

Shut up, mate.

I don't think you can lose one tenth of your population

and one third of your landmass and stay Prime Minister.

Especially when you're the Prime Minister

of the Conservative and Unionist Party,

which is his their full title.

He's got previous, didn't he? He lost his daughter at the pub.

I'm finding it funny that all like the banks are having to move,

and the businesses are having to move.

The banks are moving down to England.

I feel sorry for the Scottish Widow. She's just lost her husband...

..and now she's got to move country.

APPLAUSE

One of my biggest worries, genuinely,

is that if the Scots go,

we lose the most trusted accent in the United Kingdom.

If you call up a health call centre, you want someone to go,

"OK, calm down, sir, I am a trusted NHS Operative, calm down."

And what are we left with?

-MANIC LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT:

-"Calm down, calm down!

"Your wife's not breathing! Don't worry about it!"

Hugh, I really think you've might have missed the boat in worrying

about call centres moving.

People keep talking about what will happen with Scotland's

relationship to Europe if they get a Yes vote,

but what about if they have really enjoyed this process

and so they leave Great Britain and then they decide to leave Europe,

and then they decide they want to leave the world and they just

become a second moon orbiting us from above in this idyllic Utopia?

-Would they still do scotch eggs?

-Yeah.

-Quality.

I think Scotland have to stay in the EU

cos the very name EU sounds like a Glaswegian trying to start a fight.

What knock-on effect could it have for the EU?

Well, Spain are worried about it, aren't they?

-Because they'll break up.

-Yes.

-The Catalans and the Basques.

-Yes.

Which is a form of underwear.

I don't know how you give a form of underwear independence.

Just take it off.

APPLAUSE

The shipping forecast is going to be a bit buggered, I think.

Is the weather forecaster going to pretend

that Scotland has no weather?

Are all the weather maps going to stop at Northumberland?

"And the rain will go to...here."

The shipping forecast will go,

"Thames, Wight, Dover - slight, becoming moderate later.

"Cromarty, Hebrides, Forth -

"get your own forecast."

We know but we're not going to tell you.

Everyone laughed at Mel Gibson in Braveheart

but he predicted this.

Cannot take that away from him.

I know, I blame Mel Gibson

and he blames the blacks and the Jews.

Does he? I've not seen that film.

This conspiracy goes really deep, doesn't it?

Braveheart Two is a very different film.

Sean Connery has come out though, hasn't he?

-Sean Connery has come out for...

-He's gay?! What?!

I'm not surprised.

There's always one person, when you say someone is gay,

"I knew, I always knew, I always knew."

Sean Connery supports the Yes campaign

but doesn't want to live there,

because he's worried if he obviously lives there, it will change

the way he speaks and its going to ruin his vast array of accents.

The two sides are saying two different things, aren't they?

-So, that the No campaign...

-Well, yes - Yes and No.

You've cut through it. Just cut through.

This is fantastic, I'm looking forward to it.

Particularly, just because being Irish,

I've stayed out of the whole debate,

I found it quite funny, coming from an independent country,

people going, "It's been a very bitter debate,

"a very bitter debate here. People were mean to me on Twitter.'

Oh, really? They were mean to you on Twitter?

During the Irish War of Independence,

my granny hid in a ditch from British soldiers for an entire night.

So, boo-hoo, Twitter girl.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Meanwhile, what has George Osborne asked the public to design?

Is it a plan for the economy?

No, it is not.

Meh-heh.

That's a really bad photo.

Ehhhh!

-It's a new pound coin.

-Yes, it is a new pound coin.

It's a new pound coin.

Because it's such a big thing, they're not going to decide,

are they, before the referendum's over?

Well, no, because that will be tomorrow morning...

-So no, it's not.

-They're not coming out for a few years yet.

Should we not hedge our bets and put Charles on it?

They're talking about designing pound coins. They've been designing

pound coins round my way for years - 20 for 15 quid if you're interested.

I like to think that forgers do their own designs.

Ah, yeah, that will be one of mine. That will be one of mine you're using there.

It should reflects the status and value of the pound coin, that's what the design should be.

I think the design should probably have a picture of

like a shopping trolley on it

and on the other side it should say "token".

It's going to have the Queen's head on one side, isn't it?

Obviously every coin has got a head and a tail so if it's got the Royal

head on one side, surely it should have a royal arse on the other side?

Prince Andrew, he'd fit the bill.

I think they should bring back £1 notes - that was much more fun -

-everyone feels rich.

-That was not in our life time, though.

I had one out-of-currency. just cos they're like, "Player".

That was not in your lifetime - what?

-No, I'm only young.

-Bloody hell, what? Really?

-When were you born?

-'86.

Yeah, it wasn't in your life time.

How long have we been doing this show?

I remember when it was like Rory Bremner and Frank...

Who are these children?

One day we'll be sitting in your seats, telling people we met you.

Back in the day...

We knew him...before the allegations.

At the end of that round, the points go to Romesh, Hugh and Gary.

Now we come to a round called Mock Aye The Noos.

This game involves Sara and Gary.

So, if you could make your way to the performance area please.

This round is a stand up challenge.

I launch the Wheel Of News and wherever it chooses to stop,

one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.

OK, let's spin the wheel.

The first subject is Technology.

Who's going...? Sara.

Er, hello. I'd love to be a dictator.

I think I would be absolutely brilliant at it.

I think you should vote for me in your last act of democracy

and then, on my first day, I would ban Facebook.

Facebook is my enemy. Right, tell you what happens.

My boyfriend, would be at home in a different room on his computer.

He'll shout out something that you would think is perfectly innocent,

"Oh, you never told me Katy has been to Tunisia."

Katy is my most beautiful friend. She's absolutely stunning.

She went to Tunisia in 2009...

..which means he'd been sitting there going back through five

years of photographs looking for one of her in a bikini.

I blame Facebook.

In the olden days, if a man wanted to see a picture

of her in a swimming costume,

he had to open a Snappy Snaps near her house and hope that she came

in after her holidays.

If you wanted to perve, you put some effort in.

Just because I'm here on Mock the Week, I want to tell you something.

There's two things you need to know.

My names Sara but without an H, so its spelt S-A-R-A.

and I've always hated that my whole life

because People all call me "Sa-ra".

They ask me, "Why don't you have an 'h' on your name"?

Like I was anything to do with that decision.

Also, the other thing is, I've always heard other

comedians talking about how you get a lot of abuse on Twitter

and people are really horrible to you and I've never had any,

and I thought it was because I was brilliant and everyone liked me.

And then during August, because I'd been on Mock the Week, I got

contacted by a lady called Sarah Pascoe with an H and she said

to me, "Can you warn me the next time you're on television because

"I'm getting a lot of people saying they wish I was dead or infertile."

She's a nurse in Exeter.

She works like 70 hours a week doing this amazing job

and now she's unwittingly acting as my complaints department.

So, if you didn't like this, you know who to tell.

Thank you very much, Sara.

OK, that leaves us with Gary.

Let's see what you've been left with. Spin the wheel.

The topic is Nationalities. Away you go.

My next door neighbour's really loud and obnoxious,

so now I know how Canada feels.

I bought some lamb chops.

On the packet it said, "Reared in Wales".

I thought that was just a racist stereotype.

This morning I made a Belgian waffle.

In the afternoon I made a Frenchman talk bollocks.

In Scotland the forbidden fruit is fruit.

When England play Poland at Wembley, there was 30,000 Polish

fans in the crowd and I thought, "Well, fair play to them.

"If I'd built it, I'd want to have a look round as well."

I like to annoy my Israeli flat-mate by giving him

any post that's just addressed to the occupier.

I was at an Italian zoo with a Christian friend of mine,

so I thought, when in Rome, and I pushed him into the lions.

Nan's going to that suicide clinic in Switzerland,

but don't tell her - it's a surprise.

My grandad was killed by a Zulu.

He was having a shit at Whipsnade and the roof collapsed.

-Thank you.

-Well done, very good.

Points go to Gary. Thank you very much.

Our next round is called Picture of the Week.

I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what is happening.

So, what's going on here?

That's Boris Johnson

and he's finally got enough rope to hang himself.

This is from a series of photographs, I believe,

called characters of Britain.

This is number four - the village idiot.

If you ever wanted a couple of Somali pirates to turn up...

take him off.

Is the captain saying, "No, I said we need a massive anchor"?

Is he surrounded by all the women he's been faithful to?

Is it um, "Boris delivers waterside Benny Hill tribute act"?

Is it "Blonde twat on a boat"?

-That was the name of your holiday album, wasn't it?

-Yes.

Does anyone know what it is? What the news story is?

I think it's a news story about Boris Johnson.

I'll give you that. Why this week has Boris been in the news?

Is it about him standing for election?

It is, of course. Thank you very much, Rob Beckett.

You can't be funny all the time, get a bit of accuracy.

Of course, that's right.

It's a picture of Mayor of London Boris Johnson,

who has this week been selected as the Conservative candidate

for Uxbridge and South Ruislip for the 2015 general election.

The people of Uxbridge and South Ruislip are already celebrating,

-just getting a mention.

-People are worried about him being Prime Minister,

saying he shouldn't have his finger on the nuclear button.

But let's face it, if Boris saw a button,

he'd be more likely to undo it than actually press it.

It would probably change Scotland's view of Trident

if it was Boris who was in charge of Trident.

They'd probably go, "We'll just look after it here. It's probably at its best here.

"We'll take if offline, and just leave it here, in Glasgow, it's nice and safe."

Is it a good idea, him wanting to be Prime Minister?

I mean, the rate we seem to be losing countries at the moment,

Mayor of London might be the biggest job going, mightn't it?

You can't have him leading the country! Do me a favour,

he can't even lead a conga line! He'd get lost somewhere.

That's a massive insult to Ed Miliband isn't it?

Like, "We can put any old shit in, mate, and you won't have a chance."

Cameron and Boris are both Eton, both Oxford, both Bullingdon.

One of them is really popular

and the other one is supposedly out of touch.

Maybe David Cameron - instead of getting out of bed,

trying to be this sort of clean cut family man - what he needs to

do is to get out of somebody else's bed, put his suit on in a hedge!

If he's got to canvass, he's got to get votes, hasn't he?

If someone that famous turned up on your doorstep, right, and wanted

your vote, you would have fun with them, wouldn't you?

If he'd turned up, you would go,

"You know, I've never voted Tory. Go on...

"say whiff-whaff."

"Yeah, go on that bike and fall off it.'

He is a shagger, though, isn't he? He's had at least three affairs.

And you think, "What are the tabloids waiting for?"

Paddy Ashdown had one affair, got known as Paddy Pants-down.

What are they waiting for, given that Boris's surname is Johnson

and his initials are BJ?

Why has Mars been in the news this week?

Er, referendum, they want um...

..independence from the solar system.

This is the big vote they're going for, yeah.

This is basically a Big Brother style competition, where people get

to go to Mars. And if you want to go on a reality TV

show and disappear for ever, surely just go on X Factor and win it.

Imagine though, like, the injections you need just to go to

somewhere like India - imagine what you'd need to go to Mars!

Why d'you need eight years of prep to go to Mars?

I went to Malaga the other week, got on a plane,

didn't prep at all, and I was fine.

I got on it, got there, got off, and it was hot but I dealt with it.

Yeah, the Mars One project, which aims to send 20 people

on a one-way trip to the red planet within the next decade or so.

Did anyone spot the key word in that sentence?

Anyone spot the bit that stood out from that?

-Is it one...?

-It's one-way. That's the bit that I always note

cos I know a scientist in Dublin who has put himself up for this.

He's in the last 700 to make it. It's a one-way trip.

There's no way you're coming back.

And this is the Big Brother where we all tune in,

grow to love these characters, slowly watch them die.

So they send back recorded messages from the planet going,

"Er, Bob's dead."

Is that Geordie who does the voice-over going with them?

Is he going to go,

"Day three, and I can't help thinking I've made a crap decision."

It's going to be 2022, innit? When they can get up there.

They think they should move the Qatar World cup there

cos it won't be as hot,

it'll be more hospitable and less people would die getting it ready.

So a reality TV show where people might actually be watched to, like,

suffocate, starve to death, or just die.

It's going to be worse than Splash.

There will be a load of people that applying, like,

"Well, I'm an astrobiologist."

"Well I'm an intergalactic geologist."

"I'm Terry! I do a bit of DJing at the weekend, event management.

"I'm the vibe master!"

And when the plane...

-when the rocket is there you just hear...

-HE MIMICS LOUD MUSIC

Just grime coming out... "Terry, turn it off." "Nah!"

Why do you always do my voice for idiots?!

This is class war, people.

-WELSH ACCENT:

-"I'm Terry, the Welsh DJ!

"That's it now. I'm going to bring the vibes to space."

I can't keep this up much longer!

If you keep doing that Welsh accent, Romesh will be offended as well.

I'm part Welsh.

But the thing is they want to do it in teams of four,

and they want each of those four people

to come from a different continent.

Because its not difficult enough being up on Mars,

let's throw a language barrier in there as well.

There is a famous story about a Russian cosmonaut.

There were two of them on the Mir Space Station for six months,

just the two of them,

and they really couldn't get on.

Didn't get on at all, right?

They were at opposite ends of the space station.

Imagine the atmosphere.

-LAUGHTER

-Cut it with a knife.

And one of them said, "I contemplated suicide

-"when I was up there..."

-Oh, God!

"..but you can't hang yourself in space."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

At the end of that round the points go to Rob, Sara and Andy.

CHEERING

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like to See.

So if everyone can make their way over to the performance area,

I'll read out this week's topics

and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

The first subject is...

And the Oscar goes to...

a prison in South Africa.

BUZZER SOUNDS

Welcome to the National Taxi Driver Awards.

And the winner of Spiritualist Medium of the Year goes to...

I'm getting a D. David, Duncan...

Trevor! Trevor it is.

And the Pride Of Britain Award goes to...

Scotland.

BUZZER SOUNDS

And the award goes to 12 Years A Slave

for most challenging work experience placement.

And the award for most dramatic pause in an awards ceremony

goes to...

LAUGHTER

Sadly, he can't be with us tonight,

so to collect the award on his behalf,

Chief Inspector Harris of Operation Yewtree.

BUZZER SOUNDS

And the prize goes to Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.

Unfortunately, Dawn couldn't be here tonight

so in order to collect the prize,

please welcome Sharon of the Planet of the Apes.

Thank you so much. Thank you so much.

But I just have to say that I was shit and you should give it to Judy.

And the award for most disappointing sound effect in a TV show goes to...

BUZZER SOUNDS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is the Identity Theft Awards

and I'm your host, Dara O Briain.

And a spectacular entrance from Lady Gaga.

She should probably cover that up.

And the winner of this year's Academy Award is

St Joseph's Academy, Prestatyn.

BUZZER SOUNDS

And here at the Sat Nav Awards, we'd like just to take a moment

to remember the people we've lost this year.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Welcome to the National OCD Awards.

I've got a feeling someone's going to clean up tonight.

Thank you for me awarding me Sexual Fetishist Of The Year!

And let me tell you, this is going straight up my arse.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

BUZZER SOUNDS

OK, the next topic is...

"This is the last time that we can be together," he said.

"Aren't you going to say something?"

HE BLEATS LIKE A SHEEP

"Yes, yes, yes,"

cried Alex Salmond.

As Christian Grey tied her to the bed

using some cotton stretch slacks

and then started beating her around the back

with some Sicilian Lemon Cheesecake,

she suddenly realised that he was heavily into M&S.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"It's for you," she said, "my hair in a locket."

"Oh, fuck it," he said,

"I wanted that cough sweet."

Harold ran his hand up Connie's thigh.

She giggled, made a note of it

and later on got £60,000 at a sexual harassment tribunal.

I want your breasts, your legs, your thighs.

I'm on the phone to Nando's, love. What do you want?

He searched her eagerly with his tongue,

its tip exploring every crevice, every orifice.

God, he loved being a customs officer.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Sarah's love made him feel like a young boy again,

so he went off to find one.

She found him on Tinder

and lost him on Grindr.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

When she was in the shower, he went through her iPhone

and found something disgusting.

She came out as he was leaving.

"Come back, it wasn't me!

"They gave them free to everyone!

"I'd never download a U2 album."

They gazed into each other's eyes and their thoughts were so in tune

they both thought the exact same thing - "You'll do."

Sean knew that the love of his life had to have a good sense of humour

because while she was laughing she wouldn't be watching her drink.

GASPS AND GROANS

It's Sean! It's not even me, for God's sake!

LAUGHTER

He looked at her naked body

and then he looked into her eyes.

His heart started pounding

and he felt a tingling sensation.

What a shit time to have a coronary.

For the first time in her life she reached a shuddering,

juddering orgasm.

She had no idea that such a thing could happen

if you leant against the Hotpoint during the spin cycle.

As Mr Darcy kissed her neck, she flushed angrily.

"Get out, I'm having a shit!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

At the end of that round the points go to Rob, Sarah and Andy!

CHEERING

And that's the end of the show.

This week's winners are Andy Parsons,

Sara Pascoe and Rob Beckett.

CHEERING

Commiserations to Romesh Ranganathan,

Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.

CHEERING

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.