Episode 9 Mock the Week

# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

# But don't believe in everything you see or hear

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# News of the world News of the world... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello and welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Dara O Briain.

Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Holly Walsh and Romesh Ranganathan,

Rob Beckett, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.

APPLAUSE

We start with a round called

"If this is the Answer, What is the Question?"

On the board are six categories. Holly, which category would you like?

Can we have Home News?

OK, Home News it is. The answer is "No." What...?

LAUGHTER

What is that going to be about, Dara?

I have no idea what story this could possibly refer to.

What is the question, Holly?

Is it UKIP's immigration policy?

Is it do Man United have a defence?

Is it how should you not answer the question,

"Did you pack these bags yourself?"

Is it what is the least uttered word in a porn film?

APPLAUSE

Is it what did his friends call Nostradamus?

Is it, um, what type of oil painting is John Prescott?

Is it the answer to the question,

"Do you want to be in my gang, my gang, my gang?"

APPLAUSE

Is it can Tesco's financial director count?

Can I move you towards the correct answer?

Is it normal to take all your clothes off to have a poo?

Is it would Dara look sensible in a Fiat Cinquecento?

Is it do I have a tiny willy?

Thank you.

Is it once you're over 60, should you trust a fart?

Is it what the Scottish people said in the referendum?

It was exactly that. Thank you very much, Andy Parsons.

APPLAUSE

That's right, of course, the question I was looking for was,

how did Scotland vote in last week's independence referendum?

The vote, which had a remarkable turnout of nearly 85%,

saw the No campaign win with 55.3% of the vote

compared to the Yes campaign's 44.7%.

What do you think swung it in the end, then?

I think it's probably that more people voted no than yes.

That's the level of analysis we're very proud of.

According to Alex Salmond, it was, you know, a lot of people

over 55 in Scotland voted no.

In fact, both of them voted no.

The good thing about voting for an independent Scotland is once you've

put your X in a box, you can cut it out and use it as a little flag.

I thought it was quite lucky for Alex Salmond in some ways

that he didn't actually win, because I think if he had won,

his grin might have been so big that he might have eaten himself.

It was also swung supposedly by, there was a poll, one poll,

that put the yes ahead, and they think that was a rogue poll.

There was a YouGov poll that was 51-49.

There would be one guy in the YouGov office who's had an awkward meeting

where they went, "Terry, every poll, even the results,

"except your poll, Terry, who did you ask?"

I love the phrase "Rogue Poll"

because it sounds like an unwanted erection.

It actually sounds like a Daily Mail headline.

Yeah, rogue poll. Rogue polls are ruining this country,

ruining everything in Scotland. Unbelievable.

It was so embarrassing for David Cameron just after this poll came out,

suddenly he was like, "We'll give you loads of powers, honestly,

"and we'll give you cakes, it's going to be amazing. Please stay!

"We'll really look after you, I promise, it's going to be incredible!

"we're going to have a theme park and a roller coaster.

"Please stay, please!"

And now they've decided to stay and he's going,

"Oh, yeah. I said a lot of things, didn't I?"

What I didn't understand about the Scottish election thing was

if the Scottish didn't want to be part of Great Britain,

where were they going to live?

APPLAUSE

The big question which was asked on the night,

and it was amazing how quickly this was asked...

What was the major question that people were asking them on the night?

-It wasn't yes or no?

-No, very quickly it became,

"What does this mean for England?"

Within ten minutes, Scotland was like,

"Hang on, we're still here, you know."

Let's go back down to London and ask people what it means for England.

"I think it means this for England." "Well, what do you think?"

And Scotland's going, "Ahem! We've not even given you the results yet."

Yeah, yeah, we know the gist.

The Welsh have been complaining, though, fair enough,

it was always going to be... the Scots got a Parliament

and the Welsh have got an assembly, you know.

The Scottish had a proper Parliament and the Welsh they just had

a quick head count followed by singing Morning Is Broken.

The Welsh are getting stroppy, actually.

I was in Cardiff in Waterstones recently

and I asked for Pride And Prejudice and the bloke said,

"I'm proud to be Welsh and I hate the English."

It will never stop, so you get down to smaller and smaller areas,

won't you, wanting power?

There'll be referenda in smaller and smaller areas.

It's the question in the referendum -

in the north-east you couldn't have yes-no, instead it would have to be

"aye" and "no",

Essex would be "all right" and "bollocks to that"...

..and in Kensington and Chelsea, it would be "Er...no"

and "OMG Totes deffo yah".

APPLAUSE

In other news, what has Prince Charles said

is the largest challenge facing the world today?

Is it narrow doorways and you get your ears caught

as you walk through them?

It's climate change.

Yes, it's climate change rather than narrow doorways.

I thought it was ice buckets.

It's not ice buckets. Are ice buckets the cause of climate change?

No, but they are one of the biggest challenges in the world.

Everyone has to do it at some stage.

Charles is worried, apparently, because we've only got

another 30 years until climate change might be irreversible,

and he's therefore worried that it might ruin his coronation.

This is Charles yesterday on the Royal Yacht,

which is not quite as impressive as it used to be.

-Is this the summit in New York?

-Yes, in New York.

China and India have not turned up to the summit

and they're like the worst ones for climate change, which is ridiculous.

It's like Oscar Pistorius not going to an Oscar Pistorius trial

and he's got the biggest carbon footprint going.

APPLAUSE

That's the thing, I like a bit of climate change, innit.

In fact, I was in the garden yesterday, September, it's lovely.

It's October soon, sitting in the garden still.

No? Do you not have gardens?

That is... That's weather, that's not climate.

Where does the weather come from? The climate.

All I'm saying is if it goes up a bit, you know,

it's not that hot in Lewisham,

it's nice to have a couple of extra degrees.

-I'm glad you're having a nice day in the garden.

-Thank you.

I'm sure there's a polar bear somewhere going, "All right, this seems to be getting smaller

"but at least Lewisham is having a nice day's weather."

We've had a rough few years

and I'm not going to bump into him anyway, am I?

I would love if, ding dong,

and you open your door and there's a polar bear there going, "RAAAA!"

-To be fair...

-Holding a tiny piece of ice under his arm.

"This is my house!"

To be fair, because of the narrow doorways,

he won't be able to get in anyway.

APPLAUSE

The United Nations, they are encouraging people to go vegetarian,

aren't they? Because apparently one of the big problems

with climate change is all these cows farting.

So either we've got to eat less meat or give the cows

a bit of Pepto-Bismol.

I don't understand that because, like, if the cows farting

is causing the problem, then surely eating them is the solution.

APPLAUSE

Do you think we're eating cows as a way of saving, you know...

"Quick, eat all the cows before they fart us into a climate change."

I'm speaking as a vegan, by the way.

But there is a logical disconnect here, because, like, you know,

you say that you don't want all these animals that are farting,

but there is a point where you have to go, "What do we do,

"just release them into the public?"

In the unlikely scenario that the rest of us who aren't vegan go,

"Do you know what? No. Knock it on the head.

"No more meat. No more beef."

There'll be cattle farmers going, "What are we supposed to do with this lot, then?"

"Just let them go. Let them go back into the wild where they belong."

Feed them to the polar bears. That'll cheer them up.

How is Paul McCartney trying to help cut emissions?

He's doing a creepy rap.

We can show the creepy rap, but I must warn you,

once you've seen the creepy rap, you can't un-see the creepy rap.

It's one of those things, actually.

Yeah, it's a thing for Meat Free Monday that he wanted to do

so he recorded a video and slipped into some unusual character

towards the end. This is Paul McCartney's Meat Free Monday rap.

Please just log in.

pledge.meatfreemondays - all one word - .com.

pledge.meatfreemondays.com

pledge.meatfreemondays.com

pledge.meatfreemondays.com

You can do it right now, please.

Do you know what, I don't mind the rapping,

but the impression of my dad at the end...

I'm not sure about Meat Free Monday, you know, like because,

again, speaking as a vegan...

-Oh, God...

-Are you a vegan?

Get on board, all right.

You guys disgust me. You cheese-and-meat-eating pricks.

Anyway, please, every part of this show,

preface every topic we do with, "As a vegan..."

My point is, Dara, if I may...

What do you do with pizza? How do you eat pizza?

I tell you what, pizza, nightmare.

Of course, you're missing a main ingredient.

When I first became a vegan, I love pizza, I ordered a pizza,

right, with no cheese. What I didn't realise is

not only does cheese add flavour, it also has an adhesive quality.

What I got was a box of bread with some vegetables in the corner of the box.

APPLAUSE

OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Romesh, Holly and Andy.

APPLAUSE

Now we play a round called "English Jokes for English People."

This game involves Romesh and Milton.

so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.

This round is a stand up challenge.

I launch the Wheel Of News and wherever it chooses to stop,

one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.

OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.

The first subject is Education. Who wants to come in on that?

Romesh.

Well, as a vegan...

I wanted to supplement my son's education

so I'm helping him to learn to read.

It's one of the things that I'm doing

and helping your child to read is one of the most magical

and rewarding things that you can do as a parent, on day one.

After that, it's one of the most frustrating, annoying...

I'd rather punch myself in the face repeatedly than ever do this again activity that you can ever do.

And let me tell you why. They do not care about making sense, right?

They'll just read all the easy words

and when they get to one they don't know, instead of trying,

they just look at the picture and just throw something random

into the sentence without any regard for what effect that has

on what they're saying, and I'm supposed to not get angry

I'm supposed to not get angry when my son goes,

"Jack...went...strawberry."

How could that be what it says? How could it be "Jack went strawberry."

What are you talking about?

What would that even look like?

How could that be what it said? Tell me.

I tell you what, if you think that's what it said, you go strawberry now.

Go on. OK, go strawberry, if that's what you think it said.

Stop crying, go strawberry. Go strawberry.

Why aren't you doing it? Go kiwi then, I don't give a shit.

You're not doing it, are you? I'll tell you why not,

because it doesn't make any bloody sense.

My wife thinks I'm over-reacting.

Thank you very much, Romesh.

OK, that leaves us with Milton,

so let's see what you've been left with, Milton, let's spin the wheel.

And the topic is Family.

My uncle, he was a cruel man.

He knew we lived in a bungalow

and yet every year for Christmas we always got a Slinky.

It's a miracle my sister's getting married,

I went to the printer's to get the invites and he said,

"What type face?" and I went...

She seems to like him.

My grandfather, during the war,

he broke the Enigma code... machine.

And then he went AWOL. That's not quite true, then he became an owl.

My grandmother, she's been talking about downsizing, and now,

she's in a little urn.

My other grandmother, she was a children's writer.

You may have seen her book, Jack Goes Strawberry.

I haven't always been popular with my family, as a vegan.

That doesn't normally work.

Recently, my family all clubbed together and got me a voucher

for a clinic in Switzerland.

Thank you!

Well done, points there go to Milton Jones. Come on back.

APPLAUSE

Our next round is called Picture Of The Week.

I show the panel a topical image

and ask them to tell me what's happening.

So, what is going on here?

Is it an advert for Match.com?

Literally anybody can find love.

Is he saying, "Every time I look in the mirror I see a woman."

Is he saying, apart from the doorframe and this coffee mug,

is there superglue anywhere else?

The caption probably says, "He wears blue twill non-iron

"with button down collar, she wears a look of exasperation."

Yes, that is his wife, Justine Thornton in the photograph.

Is his wife saying, "If I get rid of the spider, will you go back in?"

Hey, hey, don't joke. Don't joke, it's spider season.

There are some massive spiders knocking about.

Do you know why there are so many spiders now?

Why are there so many spiders?

Because it's hot, because of climate change,

-that you're so thrilled about in Lewisham.

-Oh, no!

Yeah, swings and roundabouts for Lewisham now, isn't it?

"I can sit in me garden, but look!" Dum, dum, dum, this huge spider

coming down the garden, all eight legs!

Is he saying, "In one hand I have a mug

"and the other hand, I'm using to do a little re-shuffle."

Tragically, he's probably saying,

"Well, I put seven o'clock on the invite, it's nearly midnight."

APPLAUSE

All right, can somebody tell me what it actually is?

Is it something to do with the Labour Party Conference?

Yeah, that's good enough. Of course it is, you are absolutely right,

thank you very much, well done!

Yes, of course, it's a picture of Ed Miliband

with his wife, Justine Thornton, who were in Manchester this week

for the Labour Party Conference,

giving a big speech on Tuesday afternoon, how is he doing?

His current personal approval ratings are minus 46.

The only place they are lower is within his own family.

Minus 46 sounds like the temperature in the North Pole

which, apparently, is not cold enough!

Yeah, but your mistake is, that's not climate change, mate,

that's just the weather.

The thing about Miliband, it's not what he says,

it's just how he says it. He's just, "Guys, guys."

It sounds like he's just a sneeze away from talking properly.

He goes, "Guys. Guys."

Because you think maybe if he has that sneeze, he might be

a really passionate speaker. "Guys, guys,"

"I swear down, yeah, we'll cut the deficit and get our country back.

"Cameron, I'm coming for you, bruv! Vote Labour!"

The problem is his speeches are boring, aren't they?

Let's be honest, political speeches are boring. Liven them up,

stick 'em on a trampoline, because I would watch it.

I think the trampoline plan would only work if the camera

was at a height where he had to jump to get into shot.

-Yes!

-That's a political speech.

"I suggest...ten years of Labour... Government have left you..."

You're suggesting that the Cirque Du Soleil take over...

All I'm saying is more people would watch that than the speech.

All sorts of things would be more interesting on a trampoline.

-Sex would be better on a trampoline....

-What, with Ed Miliband?

-If you had sex on a trampoline...

-Dave got in first.

If you had sex on a trampoline, you could become a member

of the ten foot high, no foot high, ten foot high, no foot high club.

He's basically made it fun for the Tories

because they can say anything they want, he's unelectable.

They could do what the hell they want.

"We're going to kill everyone."

"Yeah, but I'd rather that than vote Ed Miliband."

So what changes does Ed Miliband propose to bring in about voting?

Is it that 16-year-olds can vote.

Yes, absolutely, 16-year-olds, and 17-year-olds,

because that would be really weird if he just said 16-year-olds.

"What? You're 17? No, you can't because you're hormonal again.

"You're up, you're down, you're up, you're down."

You could have a gap year.

That would be great. A gap year from voting!

Listen, all young people are going to have a gap of about 40 years

before they vote again anyway.

It seems very fair you should be able to vote at 16 in Scotland,

because 16 in a lot of places in Scotland,

that counts as middle-aged, doesn't it, so...

To be honest, at 16, I don't think I would have trusted myself,

because my question would have been, "Will there be girls there?"

"Yeah." "Oh, no!"

They could poll at Babestation.

Poll Babestation.

Girls there miming voting. "Oh, yeah, X in the box."

"You can X my box."

"You can X my box."

How about giving three-year-olds the vote and still having

one ballot box but with four different shapes

that they have to put things in.

It would work as well as the system we have now.

What do Labour want public sector employees to have to declare?

Their class.

Their class, yes, or is it clar-ss?

Which is it? Oh, no, I've given myself away. Or their cloos.

There's two ways you can definitely find out

if someone's working class in public sector jobs.

One, put bingo pens in the stationery office

and if they go, you know they're in,

and the other one is to put on a coach trip,

because my aunties, they'd go to Syria

if there's a rest stop and a tour guide.

Love a coach trip, anywhere.

Middle class people don't want to self identify as middle class.

Middle class people want to be, you know, because it's more authentic,

where, you know, middle class, it's such a bland state of affairs.

It's not bland. Have you tasted some of their food?

There's a world of flavours going on in there, innit?

It's not bland being middle class.

Have you mistaken middle class for Indian?

"The naan's incredible!"

"We call them nans."

'Ere, you wait, we was in Birmingham the other week doing a gig

and you had cream on top of your goulash.

Hang on, why are you eating goulash? Goulash, it's meat in goulash.

I'm not that much of an idiot, it was, er....

"Can I have beef goulash but hold the beef?"

Rob and I had an argument, a discussion,

about the fact that I thought it would combine so much

with the goulash that it rendered the situation untenable.

but Rob said, "You got to scoop it out, mate, I don't know what's wrong with yer!"

He starts going, "He's not a vegan, he's eating cream over here!

"I can't believe it, they ain't even heard of it in Lewisham!"

Oh, we're such great mates.

It's natural banter, that's why we put five people

in between the two of you.

APPLAUSE

OK, at the end of that round, points go to Romesh, Holly and Andy!

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.

So if everyone can make their way over to the performance area,

I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see

what our panellists can come up with.

OK, here we go.

The first subject is...

As I report from my sixth day here in war-torn Syria,

I think the lesson learned is I should never have called my producer a wanker.

According to statistics, the French economy is now the weakest growing

of all the economies in Europe.

HE CHUCKLES CRUELLY

Sport now, all Manchester United fans, please look away.

You've reached Al Jazeera News,

which means, you're only 20 channels away from actually finding porn.

Here, you'll never guess who's dead.

Just time now to see what the papers say.

RUSTLING

We will now attempt to talk to the survivors of the cliff fall.

You all right, mate?

After the fire in the aromatherapy candle factory,

the situation is now calm.

And now over to our foreign correspondent.

"Do you speak...English?"

Now it's time for the news near you.

Hello!

There are human remains on the blood-stained streets

and a despair in the eyes of everyone you meet.

Rob Beckett for BBC News, Magaluf.

There continues to be heavy shelling here.

Romesh Ranganathan at the peanut factory.

And now it's over to our toys and games correspondent,

Natasha KerPlunksky.

And eventually the sun will go supernova,

the Earth will become dark and frozen

and everyone will die.

That was the long range weather forecast.

To my right, in my peripheral vision,

Andy Parsons is showing us his penis.

More on that as it unfolds.

We go over now to our vegan correspondent.

I'm terribly sorry, he appears to have gone strawberry.

And David Cameron has delivered on all of his promises

to the Scottish people.

Just time for a quick look at tomorrow's papers.

So, The Times and The Telegraph lead with industrial strife,

And in The Sun, we can see that Caroline from Dagenham

has got a terrific pair of norks.

OK, the next topic is...

I'm sorry I know nothing about the inner workings of the human body.

Honestly, hand on my heart...

I'm Dr Christian, and remember,

however embarrassing your condition is,

you'll never look as weird as I do.

Health officials have shut down the village fete,

apparently there was an outbreak of tombola.

I think we've got the balance about right here.

The hospital is clean but the nurses are filthy.

We'll be starting the procedure by numbing your breasts.

Num, num, num, num, num!

Well, that really is an enormous growth, Mr Thomas,

I think it might be better to leave it and remove you.

Please let me assure you that it's perfectly normal and

the swelling will go down, it's just that I find you really attractive.

And if you've been affected by any of the issues

on Embarrassing Bodies tonight, think how I feel, I had to touch it.

So if you'd like to bend over,

I'm just going to check your prostate.

It may be slightly uncomfortable. I'm going in now.

Look, no hands!

Now our next guest, believe it or not,

is both a poo and a lice inspector.

Sorry, police inspector.

Of course I know what I'm doing, give me the de-fribulator.

I'm going to de-frib something.

Yes, I'm afraid it's the big C.

Yep, Jeremy Hunt is paying the hospital a visit.

This week on Embarrassing Bodies...

FIFA.

I'm afraid there's been a problem with your X-ray,

he's put a sex tape of you up on the internet.

This is where obese people need to step up to the plate...

step away from the plate.

So, I'm off to give blood or, as I like to call it,

self-harm for a biscuit.

People say give blood, give blood,

but it really freaked the kids out on Christmas morning.

Welcome to another episode of Bush Doctors,

or as I call them, gynaecologists.

In just one week, on a lads' holiday, Kevin got an STD,

had his stomach pumped, and lost a finger. Legend!

OK, at the end of end of that round,

the points go to Romesh, Holly and Andy!

APPLAUSE

And that's the end of the show.

This week's winners are Rob Beckett, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones!

Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Holly Walsh and Romesh Ranganathan!

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.