Episode 10 Mock the Week

This programme contains some strong language.

Hello and welcome to "Mock the Week."

I'm Dara O Briain - joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Sara Pascoe

and Josh Widdicombe, Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and James Acaster.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We start with a round called Picture of the Week.

I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me

what's happening. So, what's going on here?

Is it a PR stunt by the Conservatives that in order

to look more human,

they all have to be followed around by a Dalek at all times?

Is it actually just the worst pairing

ever on Strictly Come Dancing?

Is this not David Cameron meeting the only 70's television star

not being investigated by Operation Yewtree?

Is the Dalek saying, "Don't worry, David, I know what its like to

"have doctors hate you as well?"

I actually think the Dalek could be worried that the TARDIS is

broken cos he's asked for 2014 and he's got out and he's like, "Friends

"is on TV, there's a war in Iraq, someone just left Take That, and a

"famous sportsman got off for killing his partner. I'm back in the 90's."

Is it just Dr Who regenerates as twat?

I like the idea that David Cameron has walked by

and somebody just goes to the Dalek, "You had one job."

APPLAUSE

Is the Dalek simply going, "Ex-public school?"

It's weird because it looks like he hasn't even noticed the Dalek.

He's only blanking it because they slept together once.

"Do you not remember me?

"You held me, you held me.

"You said you could get me work in PR."

Does anybody know why Cameron is in the news at the moment?

This is the Conservative Party Conference which is being held in Birmingham.

Absolutely. Thank you very much, well done, Hugh.

Yes, it's a picture of David Cameron, who faced a difficult start

to this year's Conservative Party Conference in Birmingham this week.

Why, what overshadowed the conference?

Well, Mark Reckless defected over to UKIP.

Indeed he did.

In some ways its quite a surprise, isn't it,

that UKIP accepted a defection from another party because

they don't really like outsiders coming in taking their jobs.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I like Mark... Well, I don't like Mark Reckless but I like his name.

Yeah.

He could be a 80s cop. I'd like to see a drama where Reckless is

thrown off the case, that's what I'd like to see.

The other guy who's defected is called Carswell

so that's quite a good team, isn't it?

Reckless and Carswell.

You're off the case, Reckless.

We're going to bring in Brian Irresponsible.

Yeah, but prior to this the thing

that he's most famous for, Mark Reckless, is he got too

drunk in the House of Commons and was incapable of voting.

He couldn't actually get out of the bar door, if you remember,

he was trying to open the bar door to go and vote,

and he kept on opening it on his own foot, without

realising that it was his own foot in the way.

And you're guessing

he's probably been trying to leave the Conservative Party for years.

They were very angry. Very angry at him.

A lot of people were calling him Judas and he hates that

because that's an immigrant's name.

The problem for all parties though, when people defect,

is you can defect whenever you want to cause the maximum damage.

But presumably, you can get round that

if you just had like a defection window, couldn't you?

You could have it like a transfer window, and then you could

have people defecting you could have deadline day.

-Oh, that would be exciting.

-And it could all be covered by SKY News.

So you could have Tories going to UKIP, a couple of Lib Dems

going to Labour. A Labour bloke joins Stoke City by mistake.

Peter Odemwingie drives to the UKIP training ground.

He just hangs around, hoping to force their hand into taking him.

What would be the UKIP medical?

There's one medical, are you white? That's the medical, isn't it?

We've done the skin test and he seems to be passing it very well.

Do you fancy a curry. No.

The best candidate we've ever had.

There is the fact, as well, that he did leave on Conference day

it was just like dumping someone on their birthday.

That's why he's so upset, "You've gone. You're making us

"all insecure. Just going to get some highlights. Is it

"cos they've got a tighter immigration policy than me?"

That wasn't all that happened. What other

-set backs did the Conservatives suffer just before the Conference?

-We've been looking forward to this.

This is the man, the Conservative MP, who exposed himself over

social media whilst wearing his blue and red paisley pyjamas.

-What was his name?

-Brooks Newmark.

Oh, it's quite the romantic novelist name, isn't it?

Mark Reckless is the crazy cop on the edge

but Brooks Newmark is your first pet and the road you grew up on.

Brooks Newmark.

Do you think he looks like, if you pumped up Ed Miliband

and you just slowly let the air out of him.

I find myself in the odd... I don't normally feel this way

-but I feel sorry for him.

-I know, I do as well.

-He got stung by a journalist...

-Yeah.

-..pretending to be a girl...

-Yeah.

Sent him lewd photographs of another girl.

I know, I know, I have sympathy for him as well.

But the penis is not an attractive...

No seduction is worked by going, "Well, wait till you see this.

"This is a very beautiful thing."

I know it's a generalisation for women, but they don't find

men's bits - I think, visually, well that's particularly lovely.

Is that why there's the little opening at the front of the pyjamas.

It's specifically designed for that, yeah.

In order for you to get your junk out, quick photo, pop them back in again.

In the olden days you'd just pop it out of your pyjamas,

quickly draw a charcoal sketch,

fold it up, give it to a carrier pigeon,

-then take it to a local madam.

-Or there's brass rubbing

but you've got to be careful as it gets bigger as you go on.

There is a generational element to this.

It's very much the lingua franca for young people and their... Josh,

please, you're a young man.

Is it common now just to say, "Hello, you look very nice."

Click Click. "Here you go."

It's the standard form of address, I'm told.

I wasn't expecting to be put on the spot, Dara, but,

I can say that one of you has received a photo of me

already this evening and when you all go back to your dressing rooms,

my cock is on your phone, Dara.

That is, I mean...

I thought it would be preloaded anyway like the U2 Album.

That would be very exciting.

I tell you what people would be complaining about the space

it was taking up on their phone.

I'm going to need 32 gig for this baby.

Can we move on to the actual meeting itself?

The Conservative Party Conference, how has that gone?

How have the Conservatives, in the light of all these scandals,

won back the hearts and minds of the British public?

Cameron wants to bring back the idea that you'll have your own

doctor again. They want to extend GP hours

and also you won't see any GP, you'll have your own GP. Which I

like the idea of. In my surgery, you don't know which one you're going

to see and sometimes you arrive and they've got one of those electronic

arrive for your appointment things rather than talk to a receptionist.

They feel its a more efficient way of spreading disease,

if you all have to touch a screen.

And sometimes it will say

you go and see this doctor, that doctor

but sometimes it doesn't know and one time I have gone in and

its actually gone, "You are seeing Dr Unknown." Ah, my old nemesis.

We meet again, Dr Unknown.

People are worried about immigration.

People are defecting to UKIP

and so to counter that they have come up with this amazing

policy which is that if you... If a parent or something dies and he

leaves a pension they are going to reduce the tax that you have to pay

after death. You kind of think is that exciting in any sense?

Yes, to rich people that is enormously exciting.

I don't understand it. What about zombies?

Zombies is a legal grey area.

Do they have to pay it, or do they get a rebate.

They don't get a rebate

but they only have to pay a lower rate of tax on

when they draw down the lump sum

that they had previously invested but not taken.

Presuming they became a zombie after 75 but before 75,

of course, they get the same series of monthly payments.

APPLAUSE

I had a really good analogy for this because I think its really

terrifying these voiceless people,

vulnerable people having their benefits cut

and the trouble with Tories is they tell you,

they kind of sell you this idea that its these people's faults.

So this is my analogy.

So I don't know if you've noticed but girls, when they are in the toilets,

some girls hover, because they think that public toilets are disgusting.

What, off the floor?

LAUGHTER

Yes! It's amazing, we can do that.

You are amazing.

We only do it in secret or you'll love us too much.

So girls hover above the toilet seat and then they wee and that means

what they do is they kind of spray a fine mist all over the toilet seat,

which means if you're a trusting person who doesn't think that

toilets are disgusting, you just sit down and then you're covered

with somebody else's urine and you have to take it off. Actually,

the point is, if no-one ever hovered,

everyone could sit on toilets,

it would be fine for everyone. It's just like the Tories, do you see?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That is...

I think we can all get behind that as a political slogan -

"nobody ever hovers."

I don't know whether I like girls more or less after that.

I'm just glad that I'm not the only one who hovers.

LAUGHTER

At the end of that round, the points go to Josh, Sara and Andy.

Now we play a round called UKIP Me All Night, Baby.

This involves Josh and James.

So, if you could make your way to the performance area, please.

This round is a stand-up challenge.

I launch the Wheel Of News and wherever it chooses to stop,

one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.

OK, here we go, spin the wheel.

So the first subject is Adventure.

Who wants to come in on that? James.

I'm not a very adventurous person,

I've only ever used one side of a cheese grater.

LAUGHTER

I've got no idea what the other three sides even do.

I'm not the only one either.

Everyone knows what side I'm talking about, right?

Big holes. I've got no time for small holes

and tiny holes. I don't know if you've ever seen...

It's the roughest side of anything I've ever seen in my life.

Small holes. It's rows of tiny spikes, the only time I'm going to

use that side is in self-defence. Then you've got to wash it.

I don't know how you negotiate that.

How you wash something that is rougher than your own scouring pad.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Interestingly, the only thing rough enough to wash a cheese

grater is a second cheese grater.

I refuse to believe that anyone has ever used the side with

the three curvy slits in it. Don't need 'em.

Get rid of 'em, replace them with something that

I would actually use in my day-to-day cheese needs.

Like, for me it would be a device that,

in one smooth downward motion, completely

unwraps a Babybel. Someone told me the three curvy slits they

use for slicing cheese...apparently.

That's the word on the street.

Now, if I'm going to slice cheese,

my first port of call is seldom the grater.

LAUGHTER

Call me old-fashioned, I'm a knife man. I might be a fuddy duddy,

but I like it, it's unpredictable.

You always start out...

And you're thinking, well, this cheese cutting is going excellently.

Oh, yeah. You just pass the halfway mark

and the cheese takes over.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You can't reverse it, it's made its mind up now,

and, yeah, now you've got a slice of cheese that's half the size

you wanted in the first place...but at least you've got some stories.

APPLAUSE

Thank you, James, for comprehensively dealing with

the topic of Adventure there!

LAUGHTER

It's all right, mate.

OK, that leaves us with Josh, let's see what you've been left with.

Let's spin the wheel. And it's Crime, away you go.

So, I had my cheese grater stolen.

LAUGHTER

I got burgled, not for the cheese grater.

When you get burgled, everyone says the same thing to you -

"Tell you what the worst thing about being burgled is, strangers have

"been through your things."

You're going, "No,

"the worst thing about being burgled

"is knowing a stranger HAS my things."

If they had just been browsing, I wouldn't have given a shit.

Offer me two options, one, I come home and my laptop is gone,

or two, I come home and I find a stranger in my room going,

"Well, I like this T-shirt, but have you got it in a large?"

I phoned my dad and said, I've been burgled, and he said,

"You know why you've been burgled and we haven't,

"it's because we're in the Neighbourhood Watch."

I said, "No, it isn't, it's cos you live in Devon, in a small

"village in the middle of nothing but mile upon mile of moorland.

"I mean, no-one's going to burgle you because whatever they took,

"it wouldn't cover their petrol money."

LAUGHTER

From what I can tell, the only proactive thing

the Neighbourhood Watch does is, once a month they have a meeting.

All that does, it tells burglars, for one night out of every 30,

all houses are empty and unwatched.

There's this paranoia about crime back in Devon,

where I'm from. I went back recently and I went into the local Co-op,

and it's a tiny Co-op in a tiny village. I went up to the desk

and there was a sign that said, "Did you know, we now do legal advice?"

And obviously my first reaction was,

"No." To be honest, I was pleasantly surprised you did

Sugar Puffs.

LAUGHTER

Why is the Co-op now doing legal advice? Are too many people coming

in going, "I'll have ten Silk Cut, a Viennetta, and I've killed a man"?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well done, very good. Well done, both of you.

Points for that go to James Acaster! Come on and sit down.

Our next round is called,

If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

On the board are six categories.

James, which category would you like?

I would like Sport, please, Dara.

OK, Sport it is. And the answer is:

What is the question?

How many Buzzcocks have got news for you?

LAUGHTER

Is it, how many Tory MPs are currently trying to delete

their WhatsApp photo messages as we speak?

It's a sports question. Is it, how many of the hairs

on Wayne Rooney's head started on his arse?

GROANING AND LAUGHTER

I think that's where they get them, isn't it? When you have that done?

Yes. I haven't had it done. No, I haven't had that done.

No, I didn't say you'd had it done!

How clean shaven would my arse be if this is me after the transplant?

You might have had it done the other way.

You think I got my...?

It's lovely, its very comfortable now. Shall we move on?

Here's one that four people will get.

In the un-aired finale

of Star Trek Voyager, who did Seven of Nine marry?

LAUGHTER

Is it, how many people watched Emma Watson's speech

for the wrong reasons?

Is it, how many people in my hip-hop dance troupe are not twins?

LAUGHTER

-Are you one of the twins?

-Yeah.

Are you?

Yeah. Yeah, why not?

Is it, if you ask Kanye West to name ten people he admires,

how many people would be Kanye West?

LAUGHTER

Is it, how many Strictly celebrities are having affairs

with their dance partners?

What are my rough chances of happiness every time

I dip into a bag of Revels?

-The coffee, is it?

-I don't like the coffee.

-I'm not fond of the orange.

-Do you not like the orange?

I don't like the coffee at all and I'm not fond of the orange.

Do not push me on this. I swear to God I will take your

fucking eye out.

Woah, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed!

I've said this before, let it go on the Revels.

Just buy a bag of Minstrels, Ed, I say this to you constantly.

How many of the answers in this round won't be broadcast?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, does anyone want to try and answer the question?

I think this is, actually, how many times Europe have beaten

America in the Ryder Cup.

Very good, thank you very much, Sara, that's fantastic.

Yes, the question I was looking for was about the Ryder Cup,

how many of the Ryder Cup tournaments have the European

team now won over the last two decades?

This was the 40th Ryder Cup, which saw the European team win 16.5

to 11.5 against the United States at Gleneagles this weekend,

continuing their domination since the mid-'90s.

Have you been gripped? I would turn to you,

but you probably were. Ed, have you been gripped?

Ah, the golf, it's like football but slower.

Seeing all these Europeans getting on so well together,

loving being part of a team together.

UKIP must hate the Ryder Cup.

What I thought was so odd about this, so the Ryder Cup used to

be between Britain and America, and then we kept losing all the time

so then we made it Britain

and Ireland against America. And then we kept losing all the time.

so now we've made it the whole of Europe against America.

And now we win all the time which means they're going to

add on another country, like Russia.

And then we're going to have to add on another country, like Sp...

No, Spain's in Europe, Sara. Think it through!

They're going to add on another country, so eventually

everyone in the world will be playing in this competition apart from women.

What was Rory McIlroy wearing to help him deal with the cold?

-It was like oven gloves.

-Oh, was it for the cold?

Yeah, why did you think he was wearing...

Did you think he was doing a puppet show about two sharks?

He'd won the Ryder Cup,

and he'd also got through to the semifinals of The Great British Bake Off, so...

It would have been a lot better

if he'd also worn one of those aprons with a naked woman's body on it.

At least he's got the good oven gloves which is like two separate ones,

and not the ones that are one oven glove for each hand,

and then that filthy hammock...

That's the most bacteria-ridden bit of fabric in your entire house.

"What are you using it for? Handling food? Nice one."

In other news, who has David Cameron had to apologise to in the last week?

-The Queen.

-The Queen. Yeah.

Because he told - I think it was the ex-Mayor of New York, wasn't it,

and it was overheard by a journalist,

he said that when the Queen heard the Scottish referendum result, she purred.

Which apparently she does.

What he didn't say

is that when she doesn't like something she goes, "Baa!"

Did she purr, or is that not just the sound that a phone makes when you hang up on somebody?

But I do like the idea of the Queen purring.

I think that would make a fantastic Christmas message. Wouldn't it?

She's sat there on the little armchair,

she's got a little saucer of milk,

a little scratching post on the other side,

-and just going...

-HE PURRS

Would the Duke of Edinburgh be scratching her behind the neck? Is that what happened?

Oh, sorry, I touched you.

Hello... That's how it starts! That's how it starts.

Everyone saw that, right?

What's under the desk? Get up and show us what's under the desk!

Sarah, quickly - hover.

Hover out of here right now.

Tell you what, that is the furthest I've ever been with a girl.

I get that on the one level - yes, she's like a cat,

we feed her and she treats us with a fair amount of contempt...

I'm disappointed that in the most candid revelation of what she's like on the phone

it was just a bit of a purr. That he didn't say,

"..And I told her it's OK, Scotland have decided to stay,"

and she said, "Oh, get in, ya fucking beauty!"

At the end of that round the points go to Ed, Hugh and James!

Now, Scenes We'd Like to See. So if everyone can make their way over to the performance area,

I'll read out this week's topics, and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

OK. Here we go, the first subject is...

And Hamilton takes the chequered flag...

Give back the chequered flag!

BUZZER

And you join us tonight for the boxing -

I really hope a fight doesn't kick off like last...

Guys... Guys, can't we just talk about...? Ohhh...

BUZZER

Welcome to under-16s badminton,

where the players are still laughing at the word "shuttlecock".

BUZZER

Oh, and the club has connected beautifully there.

But according to World Boxing Federation rules

that's an instant disqualification.

BUZZER

And Switzerland takes the gold...

and hangs onto it even after the Second World War is over.

BUZZER

He turns, he shoots...

and that is a horrible end to the Grand National.

BUZZER

Say what you like about dressage...

I couldn't give a shit.

BUZZER

And Slippery Bastard is in first, all arms and legs,

second Bellyflop Boy coming in on the inside -

yes, I HAVE forgotten the swimmers' names and have resorted to funny nicknames.

BUZZER

And you join me here in Helsinki for the final of the curling, and you know what that means -

my career is going shit.

BUZZER

And the referee checks his watch...

and realises it was given by the Brazilian FA,

he's going to have to return it.

BUZZER

Oh-ho, so will it be Oxford, will it be Cambridge...

Who will provide most of the new Cabinet?

BUZZER

And there's a streaker on the pitch.

Two words - hubba, hubba.

BUZZER

And as they take the last bend,

that is the end of the Bend Stealing Championships.

BUZZER

And it's the relay, and he's made a grab for the baton -

ooh, that's not the baton...but he's got a smile on his face anyway...

BUZZER

And Rosberg makes a mistake - he runs wide into turn two...

Why is he running?

Get in the car, you twat!

BUZZER

OK, the next topic is...

Next up on Channel 5,

a woman has a painful wrist...

in RSI Miami.

BUZZER

Of course I dusted for prints. I'm his cleaner.

And he prefers to be known as The Artist Formerly KNOWN As Prince.

BUZZER

How did I recognise him from just his genitalia?

Well...

..it was the red and blue paisley pyjamas round the outside.

BUZZER

SHE SPEAKS COD SCANDINAVIAN

SHE SPEAKS COD SCANDINAVIAN

Do you not speak Danish?

This week Rosemary and Thyme are joined by two Indian detectives...

Turmeric and Chilli.

BUZZER

You're going to arrest me, for making lewd and childish innuendos?

I hope you don't expect me to come quietly.

This week there's panic in Midsomer,

as they meet their first black man.

BUZZER

Ah, you said it was a whodunnit?

Yeah, we arrested Hugh Dennis.

BUZZER

I think I have solved it, Watson.

No shit, Sherlock.

BUZZER

There has been a heinous crime committed on the Orient Express.

Somebody has done a shit while the train was still in a station.

BUZZER

Leave me alone, Watson,

I'm going to go back into my mind palace,

and have the wank of a lifetime.

BUZZER

Yeah. The murderer has cut out the victim's tongue.

Let's get that back to the lab. I've got some envelopes need licking.

BUZZER

Now, Constable,

the fact that you've had to redo the chalk outline 17 times

should surely be an indication that the victim is still alive.

BUZZER

I shoot my gun like I shoot my load...

into my hand.

BUZZER

PROLONGED LAUGHTER

You're under arrest - you're not obliged to say anything,

but anything you do say means you'll be an actor rather than an extra and you get paid a bit more.

BUZZER

So you say that at the time of the murder

you were hosting Daybreak on ITV.

So there's no witnesses to corroborate this.

BUZZER

Hello, we're the fashion police. Let's see the body.

Ooh - blue with green, he DESERVES to die.

BUZZER

End of the game, and the points go to Ed, Hugh and James.

And that's the end of the show. This week's winners are

Andy Parsons, Sara Pascoe and Josh Widdicombe!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Commiserations to Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and James Acaster.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain - goodnight!