Episode 1 Mock the Week

# I read about the things that happen throughout the world

# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

# Read all about it Read all about it

# News of the world News of the world

# Read all about it Read all about it

# News of the world News of the world. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.

Joining me this week are Ed Gamble, Tiff Stevenson and Nish Kumar,

Josh Widdicombe, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We start with a round called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

On the board are six categories. Nish, which category would you like?

-I'll go for politics, Dara, because I'm a clever boy.

-Lovely...

Swot. OK.

-You're on the wrong show.

-Yeah.

OK, but let's give it a go, shall we?

Your category is politics.

The answer is 4%. What is the question?

Is this the percentage of people who enjoyed a comedy gig I did

-in Greenwich in December of last year?

-We've all had those shows.

I was at that and that was not 4%.

I didn't see it, but is it what are the chances of Johnny Depp

appearing on the next series of Mr and Mrs?

Is it how much of the old Top Gear audience has Chris Evans held on to?

AUDIENCE MEMBER CLAPS

Clarkson's in!

Is it by 2017, what proportion of celebrities will still be alive?

AUDIENCE GROANS

I know. Ooh! We're not the ones killing them!

Is it the amount of hair that Donald Trump has managed to

spread across his entire head?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Is it what are Sepp Blatter's

chances of going to heaven?

Is it despite claiming it's my favourite book, how much have I read

of Nelson Mandela's Long Walk To Freedom?

I've nothing against Nelson Mandela,

but he kind of gave away the ending in the title. It's kind of...

You're kind of left in no doubt during the long Robben Island bits.

What, you think it should have been called Locked Up - question mark?

Or Long Walk To Freedom?

Is it how deep is your love?

That's not deep enough, is it? By the way...

No, just speaking for all the ladies, 4% is not deep enough.

Duly noted.

Do you know what? I've never learned anything from this show,

but there's a first time for anything, isn't there?

Is it what was the turnout

at the Annual Conference of the Apathy Society?

APPLAUSE

-It's always tricky.

-They were reportedly very happy.

I like the fact that round of applause

was really half-arsed as well.

Is it how much of my foot

could I fit into Josh Widdicombe's little shoes?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We can do it, man!

-I'm actually a size nine.

-Ladies.

-Oh, nine!

Yeah, children's, so I don't have to pay VAT on my shoes.

I'll have you know those are the exact plimsolls that Nelson Mandela

wore on his long walk to freedom.

-Does anybody have the correct answer?

-Yes.

-Yes.

How much of my Sunday paper wasn't about Muhammad Ali?

APPLAUSE

Oh, gotta love him.

No, it's, in a recent poll,

how much was the Leave campaign beating the Remain campaign?

That's absolutely right. Thank you very much, Josh Widdicombe. Yes.

Yes, the question I was looking for is according to a recent poll,

how far ahead is the Leave campaign in the European referendum?

A recent YouGov poll showed that the Leave campaign

is ahead by 4%, although there is no clear consensus.

And a poll from ORB has shown that the Remain campaign is 1% ahead.

-It's an exciting campaign, though. Are we all enjoying it?

-Loving it!

Some people say that the polls can't be trusted,

which tells you how they're going to vote.

I don't know how you conduct a poll of this anyway,

because surely you ring somebody's doorbell and you open it and then

you go, "Are you in or out?" And they go, "Well, I'm clearly in."

I think it's not had a great PR campaign behind it, has it?

Because Brexit is a terrible name.

It sounds like cereal you have when you're constipated.

Even the rest of Europe's attitude to us,

it feels a lot more like "Bruck Off" at the moment.

When we were doing a series last year it wasn't Brexit.

-It was called Brixit this time last year.

-Was that?

Which is another version of Brexit, which is also wrong,

because it sounds like a type of Lego, or what

the Greek finance minister does every time he sees Angela Merkel.

I think the problem for the Leave campaign is the people in charge.

Michael Gove, who looks like

a kind of satirical cartoon of Michael Gove.

One of the things he said at the weekend was,

"We should say to Europe, 'You're fired!'"

which is a catchphrase that is ten years old.

He might as well go, "We should say to France, wassup?"

-"Is that Angela Merkel? Schwing!"

-"Don't leave me hanging, people!

"Don't leave me hanging! Wassup? Yeah, wassup?" Yeah.

He's not even the worst-looking, though, out of the pair,

because Boris looks like a newly circumcised penis...

-with a wig on it.

-With a wig on it.

-Yeah.

Honestly, I'd be terrified if I was faced with Boris

because he looks like the ghost of the Honey Monster.

Because when you've got Gove, Johnson and Farage,

that isn't the leader of a campaign.

That is the worst ever game of shag, marry, kill.

It has been the most relentlessly negative, on both sides, campaign.

Genuinely. Very, very quick quiz. Do we stay or do we go, right?

Do we remain or do we leave? Who threatened what, right?

Britain will be landed with a £2.4 billion bill.

Is it if we remain or if we leave?

That's leave.

No, that's if we remain, according to Boris Johnson.

Britain will lose three million jobs. If we remain or if we leave?

Leave.

Yep. That's what Remain said. The value of homes will drop by a fifth.

-If we remain or if we leave?

-Oh, that was on Homes Under The Hammer.

LAUGHTER

There will be fewer curry chefs. If we remain or if we leave?

-Leave.

-Remain.

There will be fewer curry chefs.

Ah, curry, that famously European dish.

You think it is if we leave?

It's bad enough you stole our country, white people!

LAUGHTER

-Carry on.

-Er, you say leave?

It is if we remain, according to Priti Patel, of the Leave Campaign.

They're being starved of high-quality chefs

by immigration policy. It will cost each household £9,000 a year.

-Remain or leave?

-Remain said that.

Remain said that. You're right. Not Leave. Are you following all this?

The only word I understood from that was curry. I've got no idea.

Even if the people go, the value of homes will drop by a fifth

and then lots of people went, "Oh, great. That's good,

"because then people can afford to buy homes.

"All we hear about is people not being able to afford to buy homes."

"No, it's a bad thing." "Oh, it's a bad thing now?

"Oh, wait, yeah, is it a bad thing?"

We don't even know if things are good or bad.

One of the main worries for Brexit,

one of the big fears they've got, is that Europe keeps on expanding.

They keep on adding countries.

And there is some, you know, there is some worry about that,

because Australia came second in Eurovision.

LAUGHTER

I think the problem is,

we've got this John Major having a go at Boris Johnson,

which is a Blue On Blue, did they call that?

-Yeah.

-I didn't understand what that was and I was going to

Google it, but then I thought, "I don't know what kind of porn

"I'm going to turn up." The last thing you want to do is go,

"Oh, Antony Costa, you're better than that."

It's Smurfs. It's The Magic Flute.

What I mainly feel about it is that, basically,

-we have got to make this last three weeks on this programme.

-Yes.

We can't use all these jokes now.

This, effectively, for us, is tantric satire.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

There's a general kind of... I was in Europe last week.

-I was doing gigs in Brussels and Holland and...

-Ooh!

There's a genera... There's a general sense of, "Er, why?"

They don't get it They're like, "What? Why are you..? Oh, OK."

-What, your comedy?

-Yeah. No.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

They paid for their tickets, and that's it.

Apart from the man who came up to me in a chocolate shop in a Brussels

train station and then said, "The weather is very good, isn't it?"

I went, "Jesus, I'm in a spy movie!"

"Oh, yes, but not when the rain falls, mmm?"

"Meet me by the liqueurs."

I think it's hard.

I find it difficult to find which I dislike more -

whether it's the petty xenophobia of Nigel Farage...

or the French.

LAUGHTER

Staying in Europe, what major European sporting event

is starting this weekend?

Euro 2016.

You're very excited, aren't you?

I'm very excited. It's the best thing ever.

LAUGHTER

You're so excited. But this is what happens every time.

It's always the same. It's huge excitement, followed by

inevitable limp disappointment.

It is like Jerry Hall's wedding night.

Even that photo, that photo of men getting on a plane.

-I've got goose bumps.

-They're not getting ON, mate.

They're getting on in the very wrong way.

That's how bad our team is!

It seems to me that that plane has got far too many stewards.

I don't know if you watched Alan Shearer's documentary,

which said the best summer of our lives, 20 years ago, was 1996,

when we reached the semifinals.

That is how shit we are.

We're doing documentaries about when we reach the semifinal.

Germany aren't doing that. They're not doing documentaries on things.

They're not doing documentaries on the time they came second in a war.

LAUGHTER

Presumably, they DO do documentaries in Germany about the war.

That was a large, historical event and there probably have been

documentary-makers in Germany who have made it.

But they just don't call it

The Best Summer Of Our Lives.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Is the whole Brexit referendum campaign not missing a huge trick

by referencing the Euros, because if you're fear-mongering people,

fear-monger them about something they care about.

Like, they should just say, "Oh, if we leave, we won't be

"invited to the Euros, any more." And then, people will be like,

"Ha-ha! Oh! Oh, now I'm engaged!"

I mean, England could be out by the 24th.

They could be out in time to vote on the European Referendum.

That's how low their confidence is.

They haven't even registered for a postal vote.

APPLAUSE

OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Josh, Hugh and Gary!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, we play a round called I'm So Brexcited...

And I Just Can't Hide It.

LAUGHTER

This game involves Nish and Gary,

so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.

This round is a stand-up challenge.

I launch The Wheel of News and wherever it chooses to stop,

one of our performers steps forward and talks about that subject.

OK, here we go. Let's spin the wheel.

The first subject is movies. Who wants to come in on that?

Nish.

I'm a big movie fan

and I'm very excited that there's going to be a new James Bond.

Now, my pick, personally, would be Idris Elba.

I think he'd be an amazing James Bond,

but some people are very unhappy.

I was reading an article about this and the first comment under

the article started with the words, "This is not a race thing."

Which immediately makes you think, "This is definitely a race thing."

This is not a race thing. It's just James Bond is not black.

Now, I've got terrible news for this person. James Bond is not real.

LAUGHTER

He's not a real person. He's doesn't exist.

If you're talking about fidelity to Ian Fleming's original character,

Daniel Craig has a smartphone and a laptop

and in one of the Pierce Brosnan films he drove an invisible car.

It might be a bit late for you to suddenly to become

a stickler for canon. And the second comment started with the words,

"This is political correctness gone mad.

"This is the ethnic minority lobby getting their way again."

And hey, we all know, if the ethnic minority lobby's been

campaigning for anything, it is for a black James Bond.

LAUGHTER

People have been out in the streets. We want a black James Bond now.

We don't care about police brutality,

all we care about is 007 hashtag BlackBondsMatter.

We'll settle for a Mexican, maybe.

And who can forget the immortal words of Dr Martin Luther King?

"I have a dream that one day a black man will play a fake spy."

Thank you very much. Well done, Nish.

APPLAUSE

OK, that leaves us with Gary.

Let's see what you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel.

OK, and the topic is work.

LAUGHTER

I nearly lost my job as a roofer

when I was caught masturbating on the first day.

Yeah, luckily my boss said I could wipe the slate clean.

LAUGHTER

I used to work at Waterstones.

One day a guy came in asking if we had any audio books with subtitles.

I thought, "Hang on, that's a book."

LAUGHTER

The circus near me held a competition to find

the best contortionist.

So I entered myself and won.

LAUGHTER

In my old job, I just used to punch buttons all day

and that's why I'm no longer allowed to work in panto.

LAUGHTER

I've got two lawyers working for me at the minute.

One's pro bono, and the other thinks he's a right pretentious twat.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

When my grandad was caught trying to stow away in the merchant navy,

he offered to work his passage, which, as you can imagine,

made him very popular.

LAUGHTER

I hate people who phone me up just to complain

about the weather, which is why I lost my job at mountain rescue.

LAUGHTER

I was at a station the other day that had a piano on the platform,

so I had a little tinkle on it, which saved me 30 pence.

LAUGHTER

I went on a positive thinking course - it was shit.

LAUGHTER

I bought a Microsoft advent calendar.

If you open too many windows at once they all shut again

for no bloody reason. Thank you.

Well done. Very good. I think points for both of you. Well done.

Come on, sit back down.

APPLAUSE

Our next round is called Picture Of The Week.

I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me

what is happening. What's going on here?

Is he saying, "Does anybody know how to read?"

LAUGHTER

Is he saying, "You must be this white to enter the country?"

LAUGHTER

Is it, er, "Donald Trump reveals list of women he would bang

"if they weren't related to him"?

Is he saying, "I think my iPad is broken?"

LAUGHTER

Can't get it off this window.

Is it, "Orangina announce product recall

"after overdose danger is revealed?"

Is anyone else alarmed by the fact that he's fading

into that background?

It's like a magic-eye picture that you don't want to decode.

Is it Donald Trump or has Top Gear

really taken its toll on Chris Evans?

LAUGHTER

Is he saying, "There's been a terrible mistake,

"I've shampooed these documents and I've laminated my hair?"

LAUGHTER

Anyone else want to make a correct answer?

-Oh, there's a correct answer?

-No, there isn't, really.

-Oh, right.

-Well there is, but I think you all know what it is.

-Is the correct answer is Donald Trump?

-Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

APPLAUSE

Correct.

This is a picture of Donald Trump holding a recent press

conference at Trump Tower during his US presidential campaign.

Trump recently won enough delegates

to secure the Republican Party's presidential nomination.

Meanwhile, this week, Hillary Clinton secured

enough delegates to be named as the Democrat's candidate.

Are we enjoying Trump?

He is like Silvio Berlusconi but for a country that matters.

LAUGHTER

-It's terrifying if you're like, not white or a woman.

-Hello!

It's... This end of the table, not keen.

-Yeah, I'm great. I'm fine with him.

-Yeah, we think he's great.

We think he's fantastic, yeah. We're so pro the Donald.

You know what I mean? Like, he stands for us, like.

Make Dara great again.

OK, firstly, while I appreciate the sentiment, again, when did I...?

When did I go through my lean years?

His record with women is atrocious. The problem is, he's telling women

what they should do with their wombs.

And he came out and he said, "I think women should be punished

"for having an abortion."

I think his mum should be punished for not having one.

LAUGHTER

When you said, "His record with women is atrocious," I thought

you were going to go, "He's only snogged three. What a loser."

Yeah, what a loser you'd be if you'd only snogged three women.

But the big issue with him is, because he's currently being sued

over Trump University, which, I looked into this,

and it's a place where people can go to become to asset managers,

wealth creators or estate agents.

So it's essentially Hogwarts for arseholes.

LAUGHTER

Imagine, imagine. I mean, it cost people loads of money to go there

and that's why he's being sued, isn't it?

But imagine, a university that charges you

thousands of pounds to study there.

We would never have a system like that.

Graduating from Trump University and then suing Trump University

is the only way you can make any money from Trump University.

It would be funny if the graduation

involved you suing them, and they went, "Congratulations.

"You're one of the clever ones.

"You've learnt that this is entirely a scam."

He keeps going on about building a wall,

but, like, the idea that he wants the Mexicans to build the wall

and pay for the wall...

They should take him up on that and then just put a door in it.

LAUGHTER

-I tell you what they should do...

-With a handle on their side.

Do you remember the BBC One Saturday night show Hole in The Wall?

HE GASPS

How much better... If they built the wall between America and Mexico

but there was all shapes like that...

..and Dale Winton stood on the border!

I'd watch it.

Or that wall in Total Wipeout that used to have, like,

punching hands that come out of it. That was brilliant.

-4,000 miles of that.

-They could just have those four balls.

-Oh, my God.

If they made all... LAUGHTER

all central... Like, you got into the country

if you managed to actually get to the end.

You'd have to start by standing up and going...

HE SHOUTS

I think the big advantage of him being elected president is finally

we'd be able to laugh at Americans for reasons they'd understand.

APPLAUSE

What did the Bank of England unveil last week?

I think it was the new fiver, wasn't it?

Mmm. This is the new fiver, my friend.

-This is the new fiver.

-Oh!

-Oh, make it rain!

-Oh, yeah.

Never thought of doing that. Oh, yeah, fiver.

-You're making it drizzle.

-Hang on. That's it, isn't it?

That's the motion. LAUGHTER

These were lent to us by the bank for interesting satirical...

Not for me to go... HE SHOUTS

That is literally the worst rap video of all time.

You never see Snoop Dogg and Dr Dre

fetching the money they've just thrown.

Oh, honey, yeah. £30.

Does it make your dreams come true?

This would be terrible. Cos they're plasticky and clear

and see-through - they're polymer notes -

which means you could actually go and say, "I can see you.

"I can see you through some money."

Imagine that at the cashier.

"I can see you. I can see...

"Just pay for the condoms and leave."

The testing that they put them through, they said they dipped it

in tea for, you know, all those times

you mistake a fiver for a Hobnob.

I often do that when I'm taunting younger comedians.

"Oh, really? I eat my fivers."

It could be they realised the recession was caused by people

leaving fivers in their jean pockets and putting them in the wash.

Fivers only last... They rarely last five years, a five-pound note.

Bloody hell, you're thrifty, aren't you?

I could make a fiver.... I can't even make it last five years.

I mean, honestly. Cost of living. APPLAUSE

This is the most I've ever been paid for this show.

-You can't rip it, can you?

-It's very difficult to tear.

Awful news for magicians.

They're going to be so irritated.

They'll go, "I shall make it. HE MAKES SPRINGING SOUND

Oh, come on.

Sign it for me. Oh, is it here? HE MAKES SPRINGING SOUND

Oh, come on! Bloody fivers.

-I like that the...

-Have you ripped the new notes

given to us by the Bank of England specially?

Have you literally torn...? Oh, for goodness' sake.

Well, they should have made more of an effort to make it stronger.

APPLAUSE

Back to the drawing board, guys.

Can I ask if that's actually allowed?

Because one newspaper went mad about the fact that you were

defacing the Queen and then they said,

"Of all the indignities Churchill has suffered,

being scrunched up, dipped in tea and Ribena is the worst."

And I was like, "Surely it's the nodding dog commercial?"

LAUGHTER

Is that less dignified.

-IMITATING CHURCHILL THE DOG:

-Oh, yes.

IMITATING CHURCHILL THE DOG: We shall fight them on the beaches. HE BARKS

So those are the fivers, yes. Please, if you can.

Guys, bad news. I lost mine.

LAUGHTER

OK. What unusual thing has been found in a forest in Bulgaria?

-It's a tree that looks like a man.

-It's a tree that looks...

Well, they say it looks like a man.

This is the tree in a forest in Bulgaria. That doesn't...

It looks like Tim Burton's made a film about the life of Peter Crouch.

I've just found another use for the notes because you can make a tiny...

No, I don't think you should do that in public, Dara.

-That's more of a backstage thing, all right?

-LAUGHTER

I just mean you can make a tiny...telescope out of it.

-APPLAUSE

-I know, yes, they're smaller notes,

so the gap between the snort and the high will be shorter.

But also, like, if you... HE MAKES SPRINING SOUND

They go back... "Oh, this? No, officer, I wasn't."

It took me so long that they were accusing you of smelling...

Smelling cocaine!

I don't really, I just enjoy the bouquet.

You smell before, you swill it round a little

and then you just take a little bit and then sneeze it back out again.

That's if you had a cocaine tasting.

"Have you tried this cocaine? Mmm."

There'd be just, like, a bucket and...

It's not the only tree.

It looks freaky and sinister, but there have been plenty of trees.

This is a tree that looks like a human being.

-If you're wondering what...

-That doesn't look...

-How does that look like a human being?

-I will show you exactly how to looks like human being.

Look, there he goes.

APPLAUSE

OK, at the end of that round the points go to Nish, Tiff and Ed!

APPLAUSE

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.

So if everyone can make their way over to the performance area,

I'll read out this week's topics

and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

OK, here we go.

The first subject is...

Mr Muscle - loves the jobs you hate.

Apart from blow jobs.

He doesn't do blow jobs.

BUZZER

I used to wash with Dove.

But the feathers came off and the beak was scratchy.

BUZZER

Peperami - it's a bit of an animal.

I'm guessing the anus.

BUZZER

Four hoofmarks and a large pile of poo.

That's the sign of the Black Horse.

BUZZER

Megabus - the only bus company endorsed by Dara O Briain.

-CHEERING

-Sorry. Had to.

Lynx - for when you want to smell like a virgin.

BUZZER

Are your pets so wonderful that they're actually tiring you out?

Have a break. Have a shit cat.

BUZZER

Tesco penis extensions.

Because every little helps.

BUZZER

At Debenhams, we've kidnapped the John Lewis penguin.

And if you don't shop with us, we'll kill him.

BUZZER

Pedi Egg.

-NORTHERN ACCENT:

-Collects foot shavings like a bastard.

BUZZER

Abbey has strong teeth, boundless energy and a shiny coat.

She's the best prostitute in London.

BUZZER

Berocca - start the day the right way.

With luminous piss.

BUZZER

There's a now a free gift at the bottom of every box of Frosties.

Type 2 diabetes.

BUZZER

Uncle Tom's rice.

Like Uncle Ben's, but a bit more racist.

BUZZER

Crack-flavoured Pringles.

Once you pop, you really can't stop.

BUZZER

Have you been in an accident that wasn't your fault?

Ahhh! Bad luck!

BUZZER

OK, the next topic is...

Welcome to the Jeremy Hunt Wing.

APPLAUSE

Of course the influence of private companies hasn't affected the NHS.

Just ask my colleague, Dr Pepper.

BUZZER

And your cancer specialist today is...

Noel Edmonds.

BUZZER

Don't worry, Mr Thomas.

You won't be on that trolley in the corridor for much longer.

We're taking it back to Tesco to get our pound back.

BUZZER

I'm afraid we're going to have to pull the plug

because it's wedged really high up there.

BUZZER

He's gone into cardiac arrest. Get the defiblulator...

The defripulator...

The defrobul... Oh, it's too late. He's dead.

BUZZER

Yeah, I know, I spoke to the person from NHS 111,

and they were just really helpful.

BUZZER

The good news is, your father is comfortable.

In fact, I've been sitting on him all morning.

BUZZER

OK, let's call the time of death at 4.15.

He's not dead yet, but it's a Friday,

and if we leave now, we can beat the traffic.

BUZZER

For goodness' sake, Mr Wallace, please take your penis out of there.

That's not what "organ donor" means.

BUZZER

This is the discussion group for people who've broken bones.

Welcome to Snapchat.

BUZZER

Now, we're going to need to put you to sleep,

so I've got two tickets to see Dara O Briain live in Belgium.

CHEERING

Is this Admissions? Good, cos I've got one.

I shagged your wife.

BUZZER

The good news is, we're ready to take you into theatre.

The bad news is, it's a theatre in Brussels.

BUZZER

OK, we need to shock him.

Stick your finger up his arse.

BUZZER

We've given your wife gas and air.

And by that, I mean I farted and the nurse opened a window.

BUZZER

At the end of that, the points go to Josh, Hugh and Gary.

CHEERING

That's the end of the show. This week's winners are...

Josh Widdicombe, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.

CHEERING

Commiserations to Ed Gamble, Tiff Stevenson and Nish Kumar.

CHEERING

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.

# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

# Read all about it

# Read all about it

# News of the world News of the world. #