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# Read about the things that happen throughout the world | 0:00:03 | 0:00:09 | |
# Don't believe in everything you see or hear | 0:00:09 | 0:00:12 | |
# Read all about it | 0:00:14 | 0:00:17 | |
# Read all about it | 0:00:17 | 0:00:20 | |
# News of the world | 0:00:20 | 0:00:21 | |
# News of the world | 0:00:21 | 0:00:23 | |
# Read all about it | 0:00:23 | 0:00:25 | |
# Read all about it | 0:00:25 | 0:00:28 | |
# News of the world | 0:00:28 | 0:00:29 | |
# News of the world. # | 0:00:29 | 0:00:31 | |
This programme contains some strong language | 0:00:31 | 0:00:34 | |
Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain. | 0:00:34 | 0:00:36 | |
Joining me this week are Dane Baptiste, | 0:00:36 | 0:00:38 | |
Holly Walsh and Rob Beckett, | 0:00:38 | 0:00:40 | |
Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and James Acaster. | 0:00:40 | 0:00:43 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:00:43 | 0:00:45 | |
We start with a round called Picture Of The Week. | 0:00:49 | 0:00:52 | |
I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me | 0:00:52 | 0:00:54 | |
what's happening, so what's going on here? | 0:00:54 | 0:00:56 | |
Is he doing an erotic drawing | 0:00:56 | 0:00:59 | |
and you can't see, but he's looking at Tom Watson, | 0:00:59 | 0:01:01 | |
who's posing nude on a bunk bed? | 0:01:01 | 0:01:03 | |
Is he painting Tom Watson like one of his French girls? | 0:01:05 | 0:01:07 | |
Exactly, like one of his French girls. | 0:01:07 | 0:01:09 | |
-That's a lovely Titanic reference. -Thank you very much! | 0:01:09 | 0:01:12 | |
Is this the centrefold in this month's Saga magazine? | 0:01:12 | 0:01:15 | |
I like to think Corbyn's going, | 0:01:16 | 0:01:18 | |
"You thought I'd use the red pen, didn't you? | 0:01:18 | 0:01:20 | |
"But - ha! - blue one! Surprise, bitches!" | 0:01:20 | 0:01:22 | |
Is the waiter saying to him, | 0:01:23 | 0:01:25 | |
"You'll have to order another coffee if want to keep working here." | 0:01:25 | 0:01:28 | |
It'd be harsh, in a Labour cafe, | 0:01:29 | 0:01:31 | |
if they're going to kick him out for staying too long. | 0:01:31 | 0:01:34 | |
"Sorry, chap, you gotta go." | 0:01:34 | 0:01:36 | |
Is the headline, "Head of geography attends parents' evening"? | 0:01:36 | 0:01:39 | |
I'm imagining how the Sun would caption this photograph, like, | 0:01:41 | 0:01:44 | |
"Madman Corbyn defaces innocent book." | 0:01:44 | 0:01:47 | |
I think I understand why they're in trouble now, | 0:01:50 | 0:01:52 | |
cos I think this is a page from the BHS menswear catalogue. | 0:01:52 | 0:01:55 | |
"Why is Corbyn looking over the top of glasses?! | 0:01:56 | 0:01:58 | |
"You're supposed to look through them! | 0:01:58 | 0:02:00 | |
"Crazy Corbyn doesn't understand how glasses work!" | 0:02:00 | 0:02:02 | |
He looks like he's in the canteen | 0:02:06 | 0:02:07 | |
and he's heard Ed Miliband order another bacon sandwich. | 0:02:07 | 0:02:10 | |
"Zany Corbyn appears in photograph where he is in focus, | 0:02:10 | 0:02:13 | |
"but background is blurred!" | 0:02:13 | 0:02:15 | |
Those glasses, though, they are not flattering. | 0:02:16 | 0:02:19 | |
All they do is highlight the bags. That's a sad... | 0:02:19 | 0:02:22 | |
I do think Corbyn has the look of a man who's just been asked to sign | 0:02:22 | 0:02:26 | |
a birthday card for somebody in the office | 0:02:26 | 0:02:28 | |
and he can't remember who they are. | 0:02:28 | 0:02:30 | |
In his face, he wants to say, | 0:02:31 | 0:02:34 | |
"Is...is that fat Janice?" But he doesn't want to say that. | 0:02:34 | 0:02:38 | |
Does anybody know what the correct answer is for this, | 0:02:40 | 0:02:43 | |
for why this picture would be there? | 0:02:43 | 0:02:45 | |
He's in the news this week because of the Euro referendum. | 0:02:45 | 0:02:47 | |
Of course, thank you very much, Hugh. | 0:02:47 | 0:02:49 | |
Well done. APPLAUSE | 0:02:49 | 0:02:51 | |
This is a recent picture of Jeremy Corbyn, | 0:02:53 | 0:02:56 | |
Who is in the news this week | 0:02:56 | 0:02:58 | |
because he's agreed to lead a stepped-up campaign for Britain | 0:02:58 | 0:03:01 | |
to remain in the EU and, boy, | 0:03:01 | 0:03:03 | |
is he doing it in the most half-hearted possible fashion. | 0:03:03 | 0:03:06 | |
They asked him what he thought - "Out of ten, how big are you...?" | 0:03:06 | 0:03:09 | |
"7 to 7.5," he said. | 0:03:09 | 0:03:11 | |
-That's full-blooded. -7.5, that's about 75%, which is good. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:15 | |
If you're doing an exam, 75% is good. | 0:03:17 | 0:03:19 | |
I'll give you that, that's fine. | 0:03:19 | 0:03:20 | |
If you're asking a pilot about his success rate, then... | 0:03:20 | 0:03:23 | |
..not as good, no. | 0:03:25 | 0:03:27 | |
"Well, I've done three today. | 0:03:28 | 0:03:31 | |
"I'm on my limit and I'm tired. | 0:03:33 | 0:03:36 | |
"Anyway, strap yourself in!" | 0:03:36 | 0:03:38 | |
Didn't he say he's not a big fan of the EU, though? | 0:03:38 | 0:03:40 | |
-He said he's not a big fan of the EU. -No. | 0:03:40 | 0:03:42 | |
I reckon he's got "socks and sandals" written all over him. | 0:03:42 | 0:03:46 | |
He don't like the heat, he knows, | 0:03:46 | 0:03:47 | |
"If I have to go abroad, it's going to be short." | 0:03:47 | 0:03:49 | |
So his objection to the Common Market | 0:03:49 | 0:03:52 | |
and the European economic project of integration is, | 0:03:52 | 0:03:56 | |
-"It's a bit hot." -Yeah. | 0:03:56 | 0:03:58 | |
He's got a beard and he wears tweed - | 0:03:58 | 0:04:00 | |
it's not built for him, Europe. | 0:04:00 | 0:04:03 | |
He looks like, judging by the picture, | 0:04:03 | 0:04:05 | |
he's the person that always has to work out | 0:04:05 | 0:04:06 | |
-how much the tapas cost and who had what. -Yeah. | 0:04:06 | 0:04:08 | |
He looks like he's trying to split a bill there, don't he? | 0:04:08 | 0:04:11 | |
-Exactly. -"Well, you had four of the prawns. | 0:04:11 | 0:04:16 | |
"He only brought six of them, for God's sake." | 0:04:16 | 0:04:19 | |
That's actually, I think, one of the most annoying things | 0:04:19 | 0:04:22 | |
about people who split bills. | 0:04:22 | 0:04:23 | |
They sit down at the end and they're like, | 0:04:23 | 0:04:25 | |
"Oh, but I didn't have alcohol." | 0:04:25 | 0:04:27 | |
You're like, "But you had a Coke and a pudding," | 0:04:27 | 0:04:31 | |
and they're like, "But I'm five." | 0:04:31 | 0:04:32 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:04:36 | 0:04:38 | |
It's not just Corbyn, though, is it? | 0:04:38 | 0:04:41 | |
It's because Brexit are now ahead of Remain by quite a long way, in fact, | 0:04:41 | 0:04:47 | |
they're worried about Labour heartlands voting for Brexit, | 0:04:47 | 0:04:50 | |
so they're wheeling out all the Labour bigwigs, | 0:04:50 | 0:04:52 | |
so they're doing a double substitution this week - | 0:04:52 | 0:04:54 | |
they're getting rid of Cameron and Osborne | 0:04:54 | 0:04:57 | |
and they've replaced them with that all-winning side | 0:04:57 | 0:05:00 | |
of Miliband and Brown. | 0:05:00 | 0:05:02 | |
If the Brexit is a draw, does it go to penalties, | 0:05:04 | 0:05:06 | |
or is there another one? | 0:05:06 | 0:05:07 | |
I think at the minute, | 0:05:09 | 0:05:10 | |
the whole thing's even more confusing than it has been. | 0:05:10 | 0:05:12 | |
The whole In and Out thing, I think everyone's finding it difficult. | 0:05:12 | 0:05:16 | |
-Yep. -In and Out is a very hard decision. It's like the other day, | 0:05:16 | 0:05:19 | |
my flatmate was making me a peppermint tea, | 0:05:19 | 0:05:22 | |
and he said, "Would you like the bag leaving in... | 0:05:22 | 0:05:25 | |
"..or taken out?" | 0:05:27 | 0:05:29 | |
It's very hard, cos if you leave the bag in... | 0:05:29 | 0:05:32 | |
..then over time, the cup of tea itself as a whole will get stronger | 0:05:34 | 0:05:39 | |
and it might appear like the bag is getting weaker, | 0:05:39 | 0:05:42 | |
but it's now part of a stronger cup of tea. | 0:05:42 | 0:05:44 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:05:47 | 0:05:49 | |
Whereas, if you take the bag out... | 0:05:51 | 0:05:54 | |
..the tea is now quite weak | 0:05:55 | 0:05:57 | |
and the bag itself goes directly in the bin. | 0:05:57 | 0:05:59 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:06:02 | 0:06:04 | |
That may be the smartest thing anyone has said | 0:06:04 | 0:06:09 | |
in the last two months. | 0:06:09 | 0:06:11 | |
If we do leave, will I need a passport for Pret a Manger? | 0:06:12 | 0:06:15 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:06:17 | 0:06:19 | |
I'll be honest with you, I've only just got used to saying "baguette" | 0:06:19 | 0:06:22 | |
and I'll have to go back to "French stick", won't I? | 0:06:22 | 0:06:25 | |
You won't be able to use the word "French". | 0:06:25 | 0:06:28 | |
So just, "Can I have a stick?" It's going to be terrible! | 0:06:28 | 0:06:31 | |
I'll be honest with you, it is tough, innit? | 0:06:32 | 0:06:35 | |
The name thing is right, though, isn't it? | 0:06:37 | 0:06:39 | |
The EU has got such a bad name, | 0:06:39 | 0:06:41 | |
the only way it could have a worse name | 0:06:41 | 0:06:43 | |
is if it changed its name to Top Gear. | 0:06:43 | 0:06:45 | |
-APPLAUSE -But I do also think... | 0:06:47 | 0:06:49 | |
..that for the Remain campaign, that might be the answer, because if they | 0:06:50 | 0:06:53 | |
could just convince the EU to change its name to Sir David Attenborough, | 0:06:53 | 0:06:57 | |
then everybody would love it. | 0:06:57 | 0:06:58 | |
I don't want to remain in Sir David Attenborough. | 0:06:58 | 0:07:01 | |
You'll be lucky to get in there in the first place, pet, all right? | 0:07:02 | 0:07:05 | |
Just saying, he's a national treasure. | 0:07:05 | 0:07:08 | |
He may be an old institution, but you can change him from within. | 0:07:08 | 0:07:12 | |
Just to confuse everyone, what we should do is, | 0:07:14 | 0:07:17 | |
let's all agree to vote Remain, | 0:07:17 | 0:07:19 | |
but then, at the next general election, let's all vote Ukip. | 0:07:19 | 0:07:23 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:07:26 | 0:07:29 | |
I do say, it is worrying, though, cos if we do vote out, | 0:07:29 | 0:07:33 | |
-it's quite likely that Scotland will want another referendum. -Yes. | 0:07:33 | 0:07:36 | |
LONE CLAP IN AUDIENCE That guy in particular. | 0:07:36 | 0:07:39 | |
The consequence of that, of course, is that for England it's Brexit, | 0:07:39 | 0:07:42 | |
but for the United Kingdom, it's Fucks-It. | 0:07:42 | 0:07:45 | |
If it was just England leaving the EU, | 0:07:46 | 0:07:49 | |
would it just be called Exit? | 0:07:49 | 0:07:50 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:07:50 | 0:07:52 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:07:53 | 0:07:55 | |
For me, the confusion with, like, the celebrities is that I saw that | 0:07:57 | 0:08:01 | |
Katie Hopkins was - and this will surprise you... | 0:08:01 | 0:08:04 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:08:04 | 0:08:06 | |
..she wants to leave. | 0:08:06 | 0:08:07 | |
She wants to leave the EU, Katie Hopkins, so I was like, | 0:08:09 | 0:08:11 | |
"Great, that's my mind made up. I'm definitely staying." | 0:08:11 | 0:08:14 | |
And then I found out Clarkson is voting for Remain. | 0:08:14 | 0:08:18 | |
And I, personally, for me, | 0:08:18 | 0:08:19 | |
Hopkins-Clarkson | 0:08:19 | 0:08:23 | |
is a harder decision than In or Out. | 0:08:23 | 0:08:25 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:08:25 | 0:08:27 | |
What's the deal with you staying here? If... | 0:08:28 | 0:08:30 | |
See, I'm here, I'm allowed to stay here under... | 0:08:30 | 0:08:32 | |
on a pre-existing Irish-English thing that goes back... | 0:08:32 | 0:08:35 | |
-Oh, don't get involved in that, mate. -OK. | 0:08:35 | 0:08:37 | |
-LAUGHTER -Just leave it be. | 0:08:37 | 0:08:38 | |
-He says he's allowed to stay here. It's just him. -Yeah! | 0:08:38 | 0:08:41 | |
There's a specific arrangement. | 0:08:41 | 0:08:43 | |
I don't come under the same convention. | 0:08:43 | 0:08:45 | |
He's got to do a written exam next week. | 0:08:45 | 0:08:47 | |
In the '20s, there was a letter delivered to the British government, | 0:08:47 | 0:08:50 | |
saying, "In time, there will come one. One will arrive. | 0:08:50 | 0:08:53 | |
"And when the one comes, you must give him | 0:08:53 | 0:08:56 | |
"a platform that befits the gravity of his message." | 0:08:56 | 0:08:59 | |
-You're basically Neo. -Yeah, I'm Neo, | 0:08:59 | 0:09:01 | |
but, you know, I'm not good with computers. | 0:09:01 | 0:09:05 | |
We're going to have to move on. | 0:09:05 | 0:09:07 | |
Trust me, this is a topic we may return to over the next few weeks. | 0:09:07 | 0:09:10 | |
-Oh, OK. -Big thanks, by the way, to everyone watching the show last week | 0:09:10 | 0:09:14 | |
who spotted a fly land on my head | 0:09:14 | 0:09:17 | |
-in the middle of the show. -Wow. | 0:09:17 | 0:09:19 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:09:19 | 0:09:21 | |
They sent me, on Twitter, you know, in the way that it does, | 0:09:21 | 0:09:24 | |
lots of people, | 0:09:24 | 0:09:25 | |
just as I'm laughing at a comment that you're making, Hugh, "Ha-ha", | 0:09:25 | 0:09:29 | |
when a fly lands on my head. | 0:09:29 | 0:09:31 | |
And that's all I've heard of the entire show. | 0:09:31 | 0:09:33 | |
Literally, no joke was noticed by anyone other than people | 0:09:33 | 0:09:35 | |
trying to screen grab that to send it to me. | 0:09:35 | 0:09:38 | |
Why did you not...? What's happened to your central nervous system | 0:09:38 | 0:09:41 | |
that you were unaware that a fly had landed on your head? | 0:09:41 | 0:09:44 | |
Because it was...it was a fly, Hugh, rather than... | 0:09:44 | 0:09:46 | |
It wasn't like a gazelle sat on my head. | 0:09:46 | 0:09:49 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:09:49 | 0:09:51 | |
Did, for a moment, you go, "It's growing back!" | 0:09:53 | 0:09:56 | |
Yeah! | 0:09:56 | 0:09:58 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:09:58 | 0:09:59 | |
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH | 0:10:01 | 0:10:02 | |
-I think you look sweet with it. -It's like a tiny topknot. -Yeah. | 0:10:02 | 0:10:06 | |
-Were you going for a tiny topknot? -Gathered all the strands. | 0:10:07 | 0:10:10 | |
-"I'm still down with the kids!" -Yeah! | 0:10:10 | 0:10:12 | |
I'm Zlatan! | 0:10:12 | 0:10:14 | |
I think it's more reminiscent of a little bird on the back of a hippo. | 0:10:14 | 0:10:17 | |
-HOLLY: -Aww. | 0:10:17 | 0:10:19 | |
-Oh, wow! -Hey! | 0:10:19 | 0:10:22 | |
If you really scale it up, though, you know. | 0:10:22 | 0:10:24 | |
You think I'm in a symbiotic relationship - the fly cleans me? | 0:10:24 | 0:10:28 | |
In exchange, I don't kill or eat the fly? | 0:10:28 | 0:10:31 | |
I like to think, if you zoom in on the fly, it's also going... | 0:10:31 | 0:10:35 | |
Like you're both laughing at the same time. | 0:10:35 | 0:10:39 | |
And if you zoom in really, really closely, | 0:10:39 | 0:10:42 | |
there's this little bacteria on top of the fly, going... | 0:10:42 | 0:10:46 | |
Just a happy chain. | 0:10:46 | 0:10:47 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:10:47 | 0:10:49 | |
At the end of that round, the points go to Rob, Holly and Dave! | 0:10:49 | 0:10:52 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:10:52 | 0:10:54 | |
Now we play a round called Everything I Do, I Do It For EU. | 0:10:57 | 0:11:00 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:11:00 | 0:11:02 | |
This game involves Rob and James. | 0:11:02 | 0:11:04 | |
If you could make your way to the performance area, please. | 0:11:04 | 0:11:06 | |
This round is a stand-up challenge. | 0:11:06 | 0:11:08 | |
I launch the Wheel Of News, and wherever it chooses to stop, | 0:11:08 | 0:11:10 | |
one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject. | 0:11:10 | 0:11:14 | |
OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel. | 0:11:14 | 0:11:16 | |
The first subject is Going Out. | 0:11:16 | 0:11:18 | |
Rob. | 0:11:18 | 0:11:19 | |
I, uh, like going out and getting drunk. It's fun, innit? | 0:11:19 | 0:11:23 | |
I got so drunk the other week, | 0:11:23 | 0:11:25 | |
it was the most hungover I've ever been. | 0:11:25 | 0:11:26 | |
In the morning, I bought a McDonald's breakfast, | 0:11:26 | 0:11:29 | |
and ate it in the queue for a Greggs. | 0:11:29 | 0:11:30 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:11:30 | 0:11:33 | |
And I still don't know if I'm ashamed or proud. | 0:11:37 | 0:11:39 | |
I don't like tequila, though. I don't like doing shots. | 0:11:41 | 0:11:44 | |
It annoys me, tequila. It's too much admin, innit? | 0:11:44 | 0:11:46 | |
It's like, "Oh, lick a bit of salt, eat a lemon." | 0:11:46 | 0:11:49 | |
"What are you doing that for?" "It makes it taste nicer." | 0:11:49 | 0:11:51 | |
It's not fish and chips, is it? | 0:11:51 | 0:11:53 | |
No-one looks like they're enjoying it. | 0:11:53 | 0:11:55 | |
Everyone looks panicked, don't they? They're always like... | 0:11:55 | 0:11:58 | |
HE JIBBERS | 0:11:58 | 0:12:00 | |
Oh, thank God for the salt and lemon. | 0:12:00 | 0:12:02 | |
They're loving it, aren't they? | 0:12:02 | 0:12:04 | |
Do you know how to make a tequila nicer? | 0:12:04 | 0:12:06 | |
Do a tequila and have a Cadbury's Creme Egg. | 0:12:06 | 0:12:08 | |
That'd be nice, wouldn't it? Take the taste out of your mouth. | 0:12:08 | 0:12:11 | |
The thing is, as well, though, I can't properly get on it now. | 0:12:11 | 0:12:14 | |
I'm, like, a bit older. I'm not saying I'm too old to get drunk. | 0:12:14 | 0:12:17 | |
When I was 18, you don't care, do you? You can get battered. | 0:12:17 | 0:12:19 | |
Just get on with it, because hangovers, | 0:12:19 | 0:12:21 | |
they say hangovers get worse. They don't, do they? | 0:12:21 | 0:12:23 | |
You just have more shit to do when you're older. That's the problem. | 0:12:23 | 0:12:26 | |
When I was 18, I'd be getting on it, someone goes, | 0:12:26 | 0:12:28 | |
"Do you want some drugs?" | 0:12:28 | 0:12:29 | |
I'm like, "Oh, I don't know. How will it affect me? | 0:12:29 | 0:12:31 | |
"What will Mum think? Oh, my God, drugs!" Now, I'm on a night out | 0:12:31 | 0:12:34 | |
and someone's like, "Do you want some drugs?" | 0:12:34 | 0:12:36 | |
"Can't, mate." I've got to paint the fence tomorrow. | 0:12:36 | 0:12:38 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:12:38 | 0:12:40 | |
I don't want to be painting a fence all sad. | 0:12:42 | 0:12:45 | |
All hot, sweaty and vulnerable, like... | 0:12:50 | 0:12:52 | |
HE WHIMPERS | 0:12:52 | 0:12:54 | |
"I was really looking forward to painting this fence last night. | 0:12:54 | 0:12:58 | |
"I told everyone about it. I'm so hot, sweaty and sad." | 0:12:58 | 0:13:02 | |
I'm more likely to keep hold of the drugs, do them in the morning | 0:13:02 | 0:13:05 | |
before the fence, just smash it like that. | 0:13:05 | 0:13:07 | |
"I'll do the roof. Shall I do the roof? Let's do the roof." | 0:13:08 | 0:13:10 | |
"We got no ladder." "I'm flying, Mum!" | 0:13:10 | 0:13:12 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much, Rob. | 0:13:12 | 0:13:15 | |
OK, that leaves us with James. | 0:13:19 | 0:13:21 | |
Let's see what topic you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel. | 0:13:21 | 0:13:25 | |
And it's Food And Drink. | 0:13:25 | 0:13:28 | |
Uh...I'm not like Rob. | 0:13:28 | 0:13:31 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:13:31 | 0:13:33 | |
I don't like going out and getting drunk. I like staying in. | 0:13:34 | 0:13:38 | |
I drink on my own. Way cooler, man. | 0:13:38 | 0:13:41 | |
I lock the door, I get myself a glass of punch. | 0:13:41 | 0:13:44 | |
Is that weird? I drink punch on my own. Is that strange? | 0:13:44 | 0:13:48 | |
I drink it from a big punch bowl with a ladle in it in the corner | 0:13:48 | 0:13:51 | |
of my bedroom. Is that weird? I don't know what... | 0:13:51 | 0:13:53 | |
I don't know what other people do. | 0:13:53 | 0:13:55 | |
People are always worried about punch getting spiked. | 0:13:55 | 0:13:57 | |
Solo punch - problem solved. | 0:13:57 | 0:13:59 | |
I'm not going to spike myself unless it's Fun Time Thursdays. | 0:14:01 | 0:14:05 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:05 | 0:14:06 | |
I tried going out with some mates recently. We hit the town. | 0:14:10 | 0:14:13 | |
I'm a prankster when I'm out with my friends. | 0:14:13 | 0:14:15 | |
One of them left me alone with his pint while he went to the toilet. | 0:14:15 | 0:14:18 | |
Big mistake. It's a classic prank. | 0:14:18 | 0:14:19 | |
I always do this when someone leaves me alone with their pint. | 0:14:19 | 0:14:22 | |
I went round the bar using his pint to propose toasts with, | 0:14:22 | 0:14:25 | |
deliberately proposing toasts to things I knew he disagreed with. | 0:14:25 | 0:14:29 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:29 | 0:14:31 | |
He comes back, has a sip - "Eurgh! What've you done with that?" | 0:14:35 | 0:14:38 | |
I'm like, "Ha-ha-ha." | 0:14:38 | 0:14:39 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:39 | 0:14:41 | |
You just drank to the service charge being included in the bill. | 0:14:41 | 0:14:45 | |
You just drank to those bedside lamps that don't have the switch | 0:14:46 | 0:14:49 | |
on the cord, like is convenient, | 0:14:49 | 0:14:50 | |
but have it on the neck of the lamp under the bulb. | 0:14:50 | 0:14:53 | |
It's like a bolt you have to somehow slide across, | 0:14:53 | 0:14:55 | |
and you can't even reach it like that. | 0:14:55 | 0:14:57 | |
You've got to get your whole hand up inside the lampshade, | 0:14:57 | 0:15:00 | |
It hurts. It's really awkward. You can't even see it. | 0:15:00 | 0:15:02 | |
You've got to look in the top of the lampshade to see what you're doing, | 0:15:02 | 0:15:05 | |
then you turn it on and it blinds you. | 0:15:05 | 0:15:07 | |
You just drank to those lamps. You love those lamps. | 0:15:07 | 0:15:10 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much. | 0:15:10 | 0:15:13 | |
Points for both of you. Come on. Very good. | 0:15:13 | 0:15:15 | |
Thank you very much. | 0:15:15 | 0:15:16 | |
Our next round is called | 0:15:21 | 0:15:22 | |
If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question? | 0:15:22 | 0:15:24 | |
On the board are six categories. | 0:15:24 | 0:15:26 | |
-Dane - which category would you like? -I'll take Sport, please. | 0:15:26 | 0:15:28 | |
-Sport, OK. -Yes. -Your category is Sport. | 0:15:28 | 0:15:31 | |
The answer is 24. What is the question? | 0:15:31 | 0:15:33 | |
What's my age when it comes to Young Person's Railcards forever? | 0:15:33 | 0:15:36 | |
That's not the correct answer but it's a good scheme. | 0:15:39 | 0:15:44 | |
Is it the number of people Jesus could have sat at the Last Supper, | 0:15:44 | 0:15:47 | |
if he'd used both sides of the table? | 0:15:47 | 0:15:49 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:15:49 | 0:15:52 | |
That's a very good point. | 0:15:52 | 0:15:55 | |
Is it, according to Nigel Farage, | 0:15:55 | 0:15:57 | |
how many of the Turkish population will be living in Turkey...in 2020? | 0:15:57 | 0:16:04 | |
Is it how many English hooligans | 0:16:04 | 0:16:06 | |
do you need to take down one Russian Ultra? | 0:16:06 | 0:16:08 | |
Is it once the initial novelty has worn off, | 0:16:13 | 0:16:15 | |
how many times a day does the average person regret | 0:16:15 | 0:16:18 | |
buying that cuckoo clock? | 0:16:18 | 0:16:21 | |
Is it the age at which porn films think you're a MILF? | 0:16:24 | 0:16:27 | |
Is it how many dance troupes was I kicked out of for being too edgy? | 0:16:31 | 0:16:36 | |
How many more movies are left in the Fast And Furious franchise? | 0:16:38 | 0:16:41 | |
After what age is life just an increasingly speedy | 0:16:42 | 0:16:46 | |
descent into despair? | 0:16:46 | 0:16:49 | |
Is it when an English person and a European person | 0:16:50 | 0:16:54 | |
share an advent calendar, | 0:16:54 | 0:16:56 | |
how many chocolates does the English person think they deserve? | 0:16:56 | 0:16:59 | |
Is it on average, how many hours' sleep do you get every night... | 0:17:03 | 0:17:07 | |
when you're dead? | 0:17:07 | 0:17:08 | |
-That sounds nice! -It's not that, no, it's not that, no. | 0:17:11 | 0:17:15 | |
-This one's about football, innit. -Yeah. | 0:17:15 | 0:17:17 | |
-Is it how many teams are in the Euros? -Yes, it is! -Yes, please! | 0:17:17 | 0:17:20 | |
Well done. APPLAUSE | 0:17:20 | 0:17:21 | |
Yes! | 0:17:21 | 0:17:23 | |
Yes, the question I was looking for is how many countries | 0:17:25 | 0:17:27 | |
are competing in the UEFA European Championships in France this summer, | 0:17:27 | 0:17:30 | |
making it the biggest in the tournament's history? | 0:17:30 | 0:17:33 | |
Three games a day at the moment. Enjoying it. Are we enjoying it? | 0:17:33 | 0:17:36 | |
-Oh, God, yes. -Love it. -Love it. -Man. | 0:17:36 | 0:17:38 | |
Love the Euros. | 0:17:38 | 0:17:39 | |
By the way, this is going out, as you know, I know that we don't | 0:17:39 | 0:17:42 | |
want to ruin the magic of this, that people don't want to know that | 0:17:42 | 0:17:45 | |
it's recorded on Tuesday and then goes out on Thursday, | 0:17:45 | 0:17:47 | |
but of course this afternoon's game between England and Wales, | 0:17:47 | 0:17:51 | |
-we'd love to respond to that. -What a game that was. | 0:17:51 | 0:17:53 | |
-I think football was the winner, wasn't it? -No, maybe not, | 0:17:53 | 0:17:56 | |
we don't know. That's even too specific. | 0:17:56 | 0:17:57 | |
We can't even say that. There may have actually been a winner | 0:17:57 | 0:18:00 | |
and therefore what you've just said makes no sense. | 0:18:00 | 0:18:02 | |
What's up with Hugh? He's mad, he's mad, that Hugh! | 0:18:02 | 0:18:06 | |
It isn't this far off - did you see Rio Ferdinand in the England game, | 0:18:06 | 0:18:09 | |
in the first England game saying, "Well, you know, there were | 0:18:09 | 0:18:12 | |
"a lot of expectations going into this game, | 0:18:12 | 0:18:14 | |
"but you would expect that." | 0:18:14 | 0:18:15 | |
Are there too many teams, though? Is it too big? | 0:18:17 | 0:18:20 | |
-Is it going on too long? -I love it. I love the Euros. | 0:18:20 | 0:18:22 | |
I don't like England being in it because it's too stressful, innit? | 0:18:22 | 0:18:25 | |
It's like a bad relationship, innit? | 0:18:25 | 0:18:26 | |
You think it's going to get better, you know, it's changed, | 0:18:26 | 0:18:29 | |
it's going to be good this time, your friends go, "No, it's not," | 0:18:29 | 0:18:32 | |
but it is, it is. But it's always the same, | 0:18:32 | 0:18:33 | |
it's like a bad relationship - you just end up in tears at a barbecue. | 0:18:33 | 0:18:37 | |
I hope Leicester win. | 0:18:38 | 0:18:40 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:18:42 | 0:18:43 | |
Who are England players baby-sitting throughout the tournament? | 0:18:45 | 0:18:48 | |
Wayne Rooney? | 0:18:48 | 0:18:49 | |
-Oh, it's this tiny lion, isn't it? No, is it a lion? -It's a lion. | 0:18:51 | 0:18:54 | |
It's a fluffy lion called Leo, yeah. | 0:18:54 | 0:18:55 | |
They have to carry it around like they're on a stag do | 0:18:55 | 0:18:57 | |
and one of them's at all times got to have the lion on them. | 0:18:57 | 0:19:00 | |
In the papers, they keep going, | 0:19:00 | 0:19:02 | |
"The toy lion, they're carrying the toy lion." | 0:19:02 | 0:19:04 | |
I don't think they need to put "toy lion." | 0:19:04 | 0:19:07 | |
We know it's a toy. | 0:19:07 | 0:19:08 | |
It's not like they go to an injury update, | 0:19:08 | 0:19:10 | |
"Rooney's pulled his calf | 0:19:10 | 0:19:12 | |
"and Danny Rose has been mauled to death by the lion." | 0:19:12 | 0:19:15 | |
I think it's sweet, you know, because the last thing that got | 0:19:15 | 0:19:18 | |
passed around the England football team was a prostitute, so... | 0:19:18 | 0:19:21 | |
Well, we've not seen the back end of that lion, | 0:19:24 | 0:19:26 | |
so we don't know what's happening. | 0:19:26 | 0:19:27 | |
Sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry. Toy lion. | 0:19:27 | 0:19:31 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:19:35 | 0:19:38 | |
In other news, who celebrated their 90th birthday last weekend? | 0:19:40 | 0:19:43 | |
-About 400 people, probably. -Yeah, loads of them, actually, yeah. | 0:19:43 | 0:19:47 | |
Was it Bruce Forsyth's daughter? | 0:19:51 | 0:19:53 | |
He IS old. | 0:19:56 | 0:19:58 | |
-It was of course Her Majesty the Queen. -Yes, it is. | 0:19:59 | 0:20:01 | |
-It's this lady here. -Oh, my God. | 0:20:01 | 0:20:03 | |
Did anyone watch the celebrations? | 0:20:05 | 0:20:07 | |
At one point on that day, | 0:20:07 | 0:20:08 | |
my five-year-old sang God Save The Queen to me. | 0:20:08 | 0:20:10 | |
-Oh, my lord. -That's...created mixed emotions. | 0:20:10 | 0:20:13 | |
For an Irish atheist. | 0:20:13 | 0:20:15 | |
I watched a little bit of it. It's very, very British, isn't it? | 0:20:18 | 0:20:21 | |
It cost 150 quid a head to go to this picnic in the Mall | 0:20:21 | 0:20:24 | |
and you got a pork pie, you got a pac-a-mac, | 0:20:24 | 0:20:27 | |
and it's full of people going, "Do you know what? | 0:20:27 | 0:20:30 | |
"The EU is SUCH a waste of money!" | 0:20:30 | 0:20:32 | |
I read a quote that someone said and they said, | 0:20:33 | 0:20:35 | |
"What could be more British than standing in the rain | 0:20:35 | 0:20:37 | |
"wearing a poncho?" And I thought, | 0:20:37 | 0:20:39 | |
"Well, that's pretty Peruvian." | 0:20:39 | 0:20:40 | |
Oh, soon the Queen will be here... | 0:20:42 | 0:20:44 | |
MIMES THE SOUND OF PANPIPES | 0:20:44 | 0:20:47 | |
I'm not that against the Queen and the royal family, | 0:20:49 | 0:20:52 | |
but I'm against people that LOVE the Queen | 0:20:52 | 0:20:54 | |
-and the royal family. -Yeah. | 0:20:54 | 0:20:56 | |
I mean, when I see someone in a Union Jack pac-a-mac. Fuck off! | 0:20:56 | 0:20:59 | |
Well, you've got to understand, | 0:21:01 | 0:21:02 | |
these people have a very dear relationship with the Queen. | 0:21:02 | 0:21:05 | |
And it's very personal to them, | 0:21:05 | 0:21:06 | |
so they line the streets and she waves at them to celebrate all the | 0:21:06 | 0:21:12 | |
times in the past when they've lined the streets and she's waved at them. | 0:21:12 | 0:21:16 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:21:19 | 0:21:22 | |
It's weird, isn't it? They take the number plate, didn't have a | 0:21:22 | 0:21:25 | |
number plate on those cars, so you don't know whose they are. | 0:21:25 | 0:21:28 | |
And then she's just sticking out of the top of it. | 0:21:28 | 0:21:31 | |
If you had her number plate, | 0:21:32 | 0:21:33 | |
-you might be able to trace her address. -Yeah. | 0:21:33 | 0:21:36 | |
OK. What's going on here? | 0:21:37 | 0:21:39 | |
It looks like he's dropped his hat down a hole and he's looking for it. | 0:21:43 | 0:21:46 | |
Is this Worst Skydive Ever? | 0:21:49 | 0:21:51 | |
Is he saying, "Ooh, I can hear the Victoria Line!" | 0:21:53 | 0:21:56 | |
Prince Charles poisons the wrong person? | 0:21:58 | 0:22:00 | |
-IMITATES PRINCE CHARLES'S VOICE: -Damn! I was aiming at Mother! | 0:22:02 | 0:22:06 | |
Maybe he just died of embarrassment | 0:22:06 | 0:22:08 | |
because he turned up in the same thing. | 0:22:08 | 0:22:10 | |
Does anyone know what it actually is? | 0:22:12 | 0:22:14 | |
-A bloke has got his cock stuck in a drain. -Yeah, that's it. | 0:22:14 | 0:22:17 | |
He's fronting it out, though, isn't he? He's fronting it out! | 0:22:19 | 0:22:22 | |
"You guys carry on with your manoeuvres, I'll be doing this!" | 0:22:22 | 0:22:26 | |
He's misunderstood the phrase "manhole". | 0:22:26 | 0:22:29 | |
-It's a geezer on the floor, isn't it? -Yeah. | 0:22:31 | 0:22:36 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:22:36 | 0:22:37 | |
Yep, he's one of the guards of the Household Division | 0:22:39 | 0:22:41 | |
who fainted during the Trooping The Colour. | 0:22:41 | 0:22:43 | |
-Oh! -Yes. It happens all the time, apparently. | 0:22:43 | 0:22:45 | |
That is the moment of kapoom. | 0:22:45 | 0:22:46 | |
Aren't these the guards that don't move? | 0:22:46 | 0:22:48 | |
So how do we know that they haven't all fallen over | 0:22:48 | 0:22:50 | |
and maybe the ground has come up and he's just stayed there? | 0:22:50 | 0:22:53 | |
And everybody else was like, "Earthquake!" | 0:22:57 | 0:22:59 | |
And he was like, "I've got a duty!" | 0:22:59 | 0:23:00 | |
-That's the problem with photos, isn't it, Dane? -Yeah. | 0:23:01 | 0:23:04 | |
Because you don't know what's happening, do you? | 0:23:04 | 0:23:06 | |
Do you ever think that the actual people who guard the Queen, | 0:23:06 | 0:23:09 | |
the actual, like, the Secret Service guys whose job actually is to | 0:23:09 | 0:23:12 | |
guard the Queen, do you think they watch this and just think, | 0:23:12 | 0:23:15 | |
"You bunch of silly tarts"? | 0:23:15 | 0:23:18 | |
From what? It's not like, you know, | 0:23:18 | 0:23:19 | |
she's constantly getting into scrapes. | 0:23:19 | 0:23:21 | |
I'm just musing for humorous effect. | 0:23:21 | 0:23:23 | |
I have to be honest with you, Dara, I hadn't thought it seriously. | 0:23:23 | 0:23:26 | |
But what I heard, the Queen's going "Right, let's go for a rumble!" | 0:23:26 | 0:23:29 | |
"Oh, not again, Your Majesty." | 0:23:29 | 0:23:31 | |
"Everybody into a ninja formation." | 0:23:31 | 0:23:33 | |
Are you saying because the Queen | 0:23:33 | 0:23:34 | |
doesn't go around starting fistfights, | 0:23:34 | 0:23:38 | |
-that therefore the people who guard her, it's a piss-easy job? -Yes. | 0:23:38 | 0:23:43 | |
There are all capable of doing this, but they never have to do it | 0:23:43 | 0:23:46 | |
because the Queen doesn't go down to Wetherspoon's and go - doink! - | 0:23:46 | 0:23:49 | |
"Oh, hello! Is there a problem?" | 0:23:49 | 0:23:52 | |
-She might not, but Philip probably does a lot. -Yeah. | 0:23:52 | 0:23:56 | |
OK. At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and James. | 0:23:56 | 0:24:00 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:24:00 | 0:24:03 | |
Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See. | 0:24:03 | 0:24:05 | |
So, if everyone can make their way over to the performance area, | 0:24:05 | 0:24:08 | |
I'll read out this week's topics | 0:24:08 | 0:24:09 | |
and we'll see what our panellists can come up with. | 0:24:09 | 0:24:12 | |
OK, here we go. The first subject is... | 0:24:12 | 0:24:14 | |
Dear National Geographic Channel, | 0:24:20 | 0:24:22 | |
when will the Nazis be building some more mega structures? | 0:24:22 | 0:24:25 | |
I can't wait for series two. | 0:24:25 | 0:24:28 | |
BUZZER | 0:24:28 | 0:24:29 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:24:29 | 0:24:32 | |
Dear Boomerang TV, | 0:24:32 | 0:24:35 | |
why does my letter keep coming back? | 0:24:35 | 0:24:36 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:24:36 | 0:24:38 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:24:38 | 0:24:39 | |
BUZZER | 0:24:39 | 0:24:41 | |
Dear Dave, you repeat Mock The Week so often, | 0:24:41 | 0:24:44 | |
I swear I've seen Holly Walsh do this joke before. | 0:24:44 | 0:24:47 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:24:47 | 0:24:49 | |
BUZZER | 0:24:49 | 0:24:51 | |
Dear Babestation, | 0:24:51 | 0:24:54 | |
when are you actually going to show the film Babe? | 0:24:54 | 0:24:56 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:24:56 | 0:24:59 | |
BUZZER | 0:24:59 | 0:25:00 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:25:00 | 0:25:03 | |
Dear Top Gear, your show has nothing to do with cocaine. | 0:25:03 | 0:25:06 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:25:06 | 0:25:08 | |
BUZZER | 0:25:08 | 0:25:09 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:25:09 | 0:25:11 | |
Dear ITV 2, is it possible to actually contract | 0:25:11 | 0:25:14 | |
an STD just from watching Geordie Shore? | 0:25:14 | 0:25:16 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:25:16 | 0:25:18 | |
BUZZER | 0:25:18 | 0:25:20 | |
Dear Netflix, I am so disappointed | 0:25:20 | 0:25:23 | |
by how much buffering happens on... | 0:25:23 | 0:25:26 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:25:26 | 0:25:29 | |
BUZZER | 0:25:29 | 0:25:31 | |
Dear History Channel, I really enjoyed your documentary | 0:25:31 | 0:25:33 | |
about what panel shows were like 15 years... | 0:25:33 | 0:25:36 | |
Oh, no, wait, no, I'm watching Dave. | 0:25:36 | 0:25:38 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:25:38 | 0:25:39 | |
BUZZER | 0:25:39 | 0:25:41 | |
Dear CBeebies, | 0:25:41 | 0:25:43 | |
I have three beebies and my beebies love to watch CBeebies... | 0:25:43 | 0:25:48 | |
from, their deedie. | 0:25:48 | 0:25:49 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:25:49 | 0:25:52 | |
BUZZER | 0:25:52 | 0:25:55 | |
Dear History Channel, | 0:25:55 | 0:25:57 | |
the past is the past, mate, you've got to let it go. | 0:25:57 | 0:25:59 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:25:59 | 0:26:01 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:26:01 | 0:26:02 | |
BUZZER | 0:26:02 | 0:26:05 | |
Dear BBC, your documentary on binge drinking really | 0:26:05 | 0:26:08 | |
ruined my pre-drinks. | 0:26:08 | 0:26:09 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:09 | 0:26:14 | |
Dear Dave, | 0:26:14 | 0:26:15 | |
you repeat Mock The Week so often | 0:26:15 | 0:26:18 | |
I swear I've already seen Holly do this joke. | 0:26:18 | 0:26:21 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:21 | 0:26:22 | |
BUZZER | 0:26:22 | 0:26:25 | |
Dear Al Jazeera, | 0:26:25 | 0:26:27 | |
why no music from the jazz era? | 0:26:27 | 0:26:29 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:29 | 0:26:31 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:26:31 | 0:26:32 | |
BUZZER | 0:26:32 | 0:26:34 | |
Dear Babestation, what are you doing to mark the forthcoming | 0:26:36 | 0:26:39 | |
centenary of women's suffrage? | 0:26:39 | 0:26:41 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:41 | 0:26:43 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:26:43 | 0:26:46 | |
BUZZER | 0:26:46 | 0:26:49 | |
Dear Al Jazeera, I wonder if we're related. | 0:26:49 | 0:26:51 | |
Yours, Dave Jazeera. | 0:26:51 | 0:26:55 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:26:55 | 0:26:56 | |
BUZZER | 0:26:56 | 0:26:57 | |
OK, the next topic is... | 0:26:57 | 0:26:59 | |
# Tell me more, tell me more, did you... # | 0:27:02 | 0:27:05 | |
Actually, don't tell us, | 0:27:05 | 0:27:06 | |
because we at the T-Birds don't do slut shaming. | 0:27:06 | 0:27:09 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:27:09 | 0:27:11 | |
BUZZER | 0:27:11 | 0:27:13 | |
Have you seen Spider-Man? | 0:27:13 | 0:27:15 | |
He's been shot to pieces. | 0:27:15 | 0:27:17 | |
He's all over the web. | 0:27:17 | 0:27:19 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:27:19 | 0:27:21 | |
BUZZER | 0:27:21 | 0:27:22 | |
We have to save the President. | 0:27:24 | 0:27:26 | |
Or, depending on how the election goes, | 0:27:26 | 0:27:28 | |
we have to save everybody from the President. | 0:27:28 | 0:27:30 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:27:30 | 0:27:32 | |
BUZZER | 0:27:32 | 0:27:34 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:27:34 | 0:27:35 | |
Yo! Adrian! | 0:27:35 | 0:27:37 | |
Sorry, I thought you were Adrian. | 0:27:37 | 0:27:40 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:27:40 | 0:27:42 | |
BUZZER | 0:27:42 | 0:27:43 | |
Batman versus Superman... | 0:27:47 | 0:27:50 | |
Late kick-off. | 0:27:50 | 0:27:52 | |
BUZZER | 0:27:52 | 0:27:53 | |
Hey, Optimus Prime, | 0:27:55 | 0:27:57 | |
how about transforming this box of shit into a decent script? | 0:27:57 | 0:28:00 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:28:00 | 0:28:02 | |
BUZZER | 0:28:02 | 0:28:03 | |
Oh, look, several women in their 50s. | 0:28:04 | 0:28:08 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:28:08 | 0:28:10 | |
BUZZER | 0:28:10 | 0:28:11 | |
But my children are stuck in there with a monster. | 0:28:13 | 0:28:16 | |
We have to go back and... You know what, fuck 'em. | 0:28:16 | 0:28:18 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:28:18 | 0:28:20 | |
BUZZER | 0:28:20 | 0:28:23 | |
He's already beaten Superman. | 0:28:23 | 0:28:24 | |
Now it's time for his toughest challenge - | 0:28:24 | 0:28:26 | |
Batman versus Rain Man. | 0:28:26 | 0:28:28 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:28:28 | 0:28:30 | |
BUZZER | 0:28:30 | 0:28:31 | |
I'll be back. | 0:28:32 | 0:28:34 | |
And if you're not in this time, | 0:28:34 | 0:28:35 | |
you'll have to pick it up from the depot. | 0:28:35 | 0:28:37 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:28:37 | 0:28:40 | |
It's good news and bad news, Captain. | 0:28:40 | 0:28:42 | |
We can't find Spock, but we have found Nemo | 0:28:42 | 0:28:44 | |
and someone thinks they've spotted Private Ryan. | 0:28:44 | 0:28:49 | |
BUZZER | 0:28:49 | 0:28:52 | |
You're struggling with those chopsticks. Use the fork, Luke. | 0:28:52 | 0:28:57 | |
BUZZER | 0:28:57 | 0:28:58 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:28:58 | 0:29:00 | |
I'm Freddie, welcome to Elm Street, | 0:29:00 | 0:29:02 | |
the nightmare trying to find affordable housing. Mwa-ha-ha! | 0:29:02 | 0:29:06 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:29:06 | 0:29:09 | |
BUZZER | 0:29:09 | 0:29:10 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:29:10 | 0:29:11 | |
I will kill Bill. | 0:29:11 | 0:29:14 | |
Or, depending on what he goes by, Killiam William. | 0:29:14 | 0:29:17 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:29:17 | 0:29:19 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:29:19 | 0:29:23 | |
I'm sorry, James, we have to include the international dialling code. | 0:29:23 | 0:29:27 | |
You are now 00447. | 0:29:27 | 0:29:29 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:29:29 | 0:29:32 | |
BUZZER | 0:29:32 | 0:29:35 | |
I'm not going to sponsor you on another 5K run, Forrest. | 0:29:35 | 0:29:40 | |
BUZZER | 0:29:40 | 0:29:42 | |
The X stands for xylophone | 0:29:42 | 0:29:44 | |
and the Xylophone Men don't take shit from nobody. | 0:29:44 | 0:29:48 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:29:48 | 0:29:50 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:29:50 | 0:29:52 | |
At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and James. | 0:29:52 | 0:29:57 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:29:57 | 0:30:02 | |
That's the end of the show. This week's winners are... | 0:30:02 | 0:30:05 | |
Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and James Acaster. | 0:30:05 | 0:30:07 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:30:07 | 0:30:11 | |
Commiserations to Dane Baptiste, Holly Walsh and Rob Beckett. | 0:30:11 | 0:30:15 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:30:15 | 0:30:17 | |
Thank you for watching. | 0:30:17 | 0:30:19 | |
I'm Dara O Briain. Good night. | 0:30:19 | 0:30:22 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:30:22 | 0:30:24 | |
# Read about the things that happen throughout the world | 0:30:24 | 0:30:30 | |
# Don't believe in everything you see or hear | 0:30:30 | 0:30:35 | |
# Read all about it | 0:30:35 | 0:30:38 | |
# Read all about it | 0:30:38 | 0:30:41 | |
# News of the World | 0:30:41 | 0:30:42 | |
# News of the World. # | 0:30:42 | 0:30:44 |