Episode 3 Mock the Week

# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

# Read all about it

# Read all about it

# News of the world

# News of the world

# Read all about it

# Read all about it

# News of the world

# News of the world. #

This programme contains some strong language

Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.

Joining me this week are Miles Jupp, Ed Byrne and Rob Beckett,

Angela Barnes, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We start with a round called Picture Of The Week.

I show the panel a topical image

and ask them to tell me what's happening.

So, teams, what's going on here?

Cameron is saying, "You cradle the pig's head like so..."

He's probably saying, "And this is how I would snog Angela Merkel."

He's just gesticulated. What he doesn't realise,

he's actually doing sign language for "Vote Leave".

I thought the Brexiteers missed a trick

by not calling the opposition Remainians.

APPLAUSE

Is it "Madame Tussauds finally tracks down missing Cameron"?

Possibly he's just practising the bit in his resignation speech

where he strangles Boris Johnson...

Is it a nice guy just doing his best?

APPLAUSE

No. Does anyone know what it is?

I've a suspicion...

that that is David Cameron.

There we go. Yes, of course.

APPLAUSE

Congratulations, Hugh.

Yes, this is David Cameron

campaigning for Britain to remain in the European Union.

This week, Cameron declared he'd continue as Prime Minister

regardless of the result of today's historic referendum.

Have you enjoyed the last six weeks of

the to and fro of the European referendum debate?

You know what? It makes me look forward to the time where we

have to make Wimbledon funny again.

I think... I think it's been

a really bonding experience for us all, hasn't it?

I think we're going to look back on this and think of it as

a happy time in our nation...

on a par with things like the Black Death.

Isn't it a bit odd that we're even talking about it though?

Because the polls have just closed...

The only news that's going to come through quickly

is the first of the polling areas, which is Gibraltar.

So, Gibraltar announces before anyone does

and we're all on tenterhooks to hear how Gibraltar's going to go.

You're pretty much in Europe no matter what way you vote, Gibraltar.

I'm afraid Spain ain't going away, right?

So it doesn't matter how many armies of monkeys you train to climb

a mountain and stare across at them,

you're going to be there for some time, no matter what.

So much has been said, though, about Brexit, no-one cares any more.

They've run out of people to ask. On Sky News on Monday,

they were talking to Michelle off The Apprentice and June Sarpong.

I don't care what they think.

I didn't vote at all.

Last time I tried to vote they said,

"All you have to do is put your X in a box."

Would Janet get in a box?

APPLAUSE

But we're in an awkward kind of thing - might have passed,

might not have passed, might have gone, might be in Europe,

might be out of Europe. We don't know.

Tomorrow morning, it could be Brexit and then all the bananas

go back to what bananas looked like before the EU made them nice and...

we'll walk into Tesco - "What the hell is that!?"

And they'll go, "These are what

"bananas are actually supposed to look like.

"We've been airbrushing bananas for the last 40 years

"cos the EU told us."

And we'll all be going, "No! Give me back my bananas!"

-It doesn't matter what happens.

-Yes, Miles, that's what we'll be doing.

We'll be screaming, "Bananas."

But it is the problem, it's stuff like that that people...

There was one article I read that said

if we have left the EU, we could end up with a national shortage of wine.

SILENCE

Yeah, now everyone's engaged.

LAUGHTER

No!

I've got a strategy, right? For a start, we stop wine tasters

spitting it out cos that's a waste.

Unless they're going to spit it directly into my mouth, they can forget that.

Would you walk around at a fancy...

HE HUMS: Minuetto by Boccherini

..and you're there behind them, like a baby bird, going, "Aaaaah,"

while they regurgitate their wine?

I've got other strategies. We stop selling wine in Lidl.

Poor people don't need wine. They've got cider. That's fine.

LAUGHTER

In that photo, does the other side of that mug say, "..deep shit"?

APPLAUSE

I'll tell you, if Boris Johnson runs for Prime Minister,

I'm going to run against him.

CHEERING

We don't want that idiot with stupid hair.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

ROB LAUGHS

Michael Gove...

Michael Gove has said he doesn't want to be leader, doesn't he?

And he brilliantly said last week, he doesn't want to be leader so,

"Whatever posters you have on your wall, don't put up one of me."

-It's the most unnecessary...

-LAUGHTER

It's interesting, actually, what the POLLS said.

Because the POLES said, "Well, can we finish the house or not?"

APPLAUSE

Yes, all right, you don't have to go for a couple of years.

Finish the house, for God's sake.

Everyone's being a hypocrite about it cos I heard a woman round my way

go, "Well, if we vote Leave, I've had enough,

"I'll just move to my place in Spain permanently."

The main thing is, though, it's been a very poisonous debate

but it's over now and we can all be friends again

and let's never speak of Europe again.

That's it, it's done, and we tied a bow on the whole thing.

Poor old June Sarpong's going to be out of work but never mind.

In other news, what's going on here?

These are twins.

I'd say he's really saying, "Shut up, you're not my real dad."

Is Rooney saying,

"Hey, no-one's noticed my beer mat collection behind us."

Is St Etienne the patron saint of lost causes?

Is it just two decent men trying to do their best?

APPLAUSE

Is Rooney saying to Hodgson, "I've shagged your nan"?

-LAUGHTER AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Oh!

Boom!

He's probably saying,

"I may be 103 but I've got more of my own hair than laughing boy here."

APPLAUSE

And to add to our injury woes,

Rooney's eyebrow is stuck in the up position.

He had a terrible eyebrow strain in the 85th minute.

Just a bloke looking at another bloke, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

Stop focusing on the picture.

Now it sounds like it's a Magic Eye.

Stop looking at the picture. Let's look beyond the picture.

-I can see...

-What's...?

-I can see misery.

Yes. Yes, it's England in Euro 2016 who have been exciting, and thrilling to watch.

The important thing is Russia are out - which is good,

which makes life...

APPLAUSE

And that makes life easier

for everybody else's hooligans doesn't it?

It was kind of...

They were too professional about it, weren't they?

They put too much effort in really, didn't they?

All the other countries... When they said that the

Russians are highly trained and they're moving through like

SWAT teams, and they're militarily trained, and all 23 other countries

in the Euros went, "Really? I never expected that"

Apart from Ukraine.

LAUGHTER

They were pretty well organised. But then other times,

didn't they use a flare in the stadium to signal when to kick off?

Yes.

What's wrong with a WhatsApp group? It's 2016.

LAUGHTER

DARA MIMICS MOBILE PHONE

We're kicking off now. A flare is tremendously camp as well.

Whoosh! Let's go people! Whoosh!

They also did that thing didn't they...? So some of the hooligans

when they attacked the English fans shouted apparently,

because Maria Sharapova had been banned for

doping, they all shouted, "This is for Maria," as they charged the English.

Can you imagine England fans charging Russians going,

"This is for Tim Henman"?

LAUGHTER

I just love as well how all the Russian hooligans are all

like teetotal, aren't they?

-They're all really straight.

-They're really into that.

Yet all their athletes are off their tits.

-They've got it the wrong way round.

-They've not worked it out at all.

If football supporters are fighting there's not much the footballers can do about it.

Archery supporters - very well behaved.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Any other countries you've enjoyed watching?

Wales. I'm not a football fan but I love an underdog, right?

And Wales, in this tournament,

it looks like they're really putting Wales on the map.

Because until now, other countries just thought Wales

was a unit of measurement for de-forestation.

LAUGHTER

I live in Wales and that is the... I can hear, there's a pub

quite near me, so I can definitely hear when Wales have scored a goal.

I can't hear who they're playing against and I'm

not going to wander in and ask but I can definitely...

I think you'll be...

ADOPTS POSH ACCENT: "Hello, who are you playing?"

"Who's on the receiving end, you old dogs?"

-ADOPTS POSH ACCENT:

-"If you could keep it down. Just a... Hmm?"

"Temper your national joy for the sake of, oh sleepy time."

LAUGHTER

The worst thing about watching it in the pub is though, just cos it's

England they think they can throw beer everywhere.

I hate watching it in a pub. They're just like, "Oh!"

You're sort of thinking, "I'll just take 1-0.

"I've got new trainers on." Do you know what I mean?

Watching England this time round is a bit

like the EU Referendum in a sense, isn't it?

A lot of crosses in the box and nothing much will happen.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

At the end of that round, the points go to Angela, Hugh and Milton.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now we play a round called Mocky McMockface.

This game involves Miles and Milton

so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.

This round is a stand-up challenge. I launch the Wheel Of News and wherever it chooses to stop,

one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.

Here we go. Let's spin the wheel.

The first subject is...

Travel. Miles.

I'll tell you what's wrong with trains. It's the quiet coach, OK?

Quiet, that is an adjective, it doesn't go far enough.

Quiet is an adjective.

It should be called the silent coach. Shouldn't it? The silent...

No-one would have any trouble understanding that. It's the silent coach. You can't talk on it,

you can't use your laptop, children can't travel on it, you can't eat crisps.

And crucially, crucially they, the train people,

they wouldn't be allowed to make announcements.

Because the sort of people that have the mentality to travel

on the quiet coach, which is the correct mentality, are the sort of

people who check where the train is going before they bloody get on it.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

For years, we've just not got these things right. A Mock the Week audience,

you're exactly the sort of people that know what I'm talking about.

In Russia during the revolution, right...

LAUGHTER

During the Russian Revolution the Russian army was able to

travel to all of its battles by train.

During the revolution they were still able to rely on public transport.

Imagine if we had a revolution now and the Army had to rely on transport,

we'd be buggered, wouldn't we?

Certainly those of us who wanted the Army to win.

Absolute nightmare, wouldn't it?

Marsden Moor 2016 kicked off and the British Army turning

up seven hours late to every single conflict.

"Oh, sorry, there were leaves on the line at Stevenage."

"There was a passenger action at Crewe."

"We were going to be joined by the SAS but they've been

"stuck on a rail replacement bus service from Hereford."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much, Miles.

OK, that leaves Milton.

Let's see what topic you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel.

And the subject is Music.

We don't know much about Galileo.

He was a poor boy from a poor family.

LAUGHTER

I live in a Grade II listed building which of course means that

everyone in it has to be quite good at the piano.

LAUGHTER

Apparently all Chinese children who are learning to play the piano

know a tune called Knife And Fork.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'd like to take the band Abba out for lunch

and if I could I would, my friend.

For Nandos.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

When I was at school and it rained we used to have to stay in for wet play

and when it was cold we used to have to stay in and listen to this really dull band.

LAUGHTER

AD 79, Julius Caesar receives the first ever weather forecast.

HE MIMICS FANFARE

Hail, Caesar.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much. The points there go to Milton Jones. Come back.

Our next round is called If This Is The Answer What Is The Question?

On the board are six categories.

Angela, which category would you like?

I will have Science please, Dara.

Excellent. Science it is.

The answer is 186 days. What is the question?

Is it how long you have to work

before you qualify for a loo break at Sports Direct?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Is it if Donald Trump becomes President how long has

the Earth got left?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Is it, "What is the guaranteed time to a perfect beach-bod

"with the Miles Jupp Gin And Cured Meat diet?"

LAUGHTER

Just in time for Christmas then!

We'd holiday abroad.

Is it, "How many days are there

"in the North Korean month of Kim-tober?"

LAUGHTER

Is it, "How long will we have to

"queue for a loaf of bread if we leave the EU?"

Is it, "How long should it take to get to an inconvenient store?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Is it, "How much of his life can Charlie Sheen remember?"

Is it, "If you want to have a dinner party to remember,

"how long should you leave out the prawns?"

LAUGHTER

Is it, "What would the film 127 Hours have been called

"if it had been his penis that was trapped?"

"I'll give it a few more weeks and then decide.

"Surely somebody will come past!"

Is it, "How long would it take to tumble-dry a circus tent?"

LAUGHTER

"How long does it take Craig David

"to comprehensively seduce 26.6 women?"

LAUGHTER

Does he say that? "You have been comprehensively seduced."

Miles, how would you comprehensively seduce someone?

Oh, you know when it's over, Rob.

What is the actual answer, please?

Is it, "How long was Tim Peake in space?"

Absolutely, thank you very much, Ed Byrne. Well done, very good.

APPLAUSE

Yes, the question I was looking for is,

"How long was Major Tim Peake on the International Space Station

"before he returned to Earth this week?"

Yes, there he is in a deck chair, not doing a tap.

The only reason he'd come back was the Russian bloke on

the space station snuck up behind him and hit him with a bar stool.

I watched the news report about it,

but I'm hard of hearing, so I use the subtitles.

And it genuinely said that he

was up in space for six months without gravy,

and it took me ages to realise they meant gravity!

To be fair, he was without both, and I couldn't do it.

I mean, there's very... That anti-gravy machine they have...

I'm sorry, I just realised there's a fucking box under my...

No wonder I've got no space, look at this!

What is it?

Just found that!

LAUGHTER

The whole show I've been going, "It's a bit tight down here, innit?"

What artefacts have you discovered?

I dunno! And I've dropped me drink, this is an absolute nightmare.

It's on the carpet, I'm afraid.

He set a lot of records when he was in space,

-didn't he, Tim Peake?

-He did.

But it was kind of like, once he got into space, that was the hard part,

and then just everything he did,

he was the first person to do it in space.

It was just like, he was the first person to

get on the New Year's Honours List - in space.

He was the first person to do a marathon - in space.

Once you get into space, that's you.

If I got into space, I could set records for

first man to clean his glasses on his underpants...

..in space.

He did run a marathon up there, didn't he? And I thought,

I'd run a marathon if I had an option to float bits of it.

LAUGHTER

"Just set the treadmill on really fast, I'll just hover above it."

"I haven't hit the wall yet, when's the wall coming?

"I've got to be honest, this is so difficult(!)

"Aaah! I've done four miles already!"

He did the marathon, he didn't do any football,

because they wouldn't have got past the coin toss.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-What did he do up there?

-He did experiments up there.

He basically did media. He didn't have time to do experiments!

No, you saw him do media...

-He did six months of experiments.

-What experiments did he do?

250 different experiments of different things in zero gravity.

He's a decent guy...

LAUGHTER

Any Americans watching it, I mean, it's incredibly, you know,

we're excited, but the Americans must be watching it going

"You are literally 40 years behind us."

There were Americans as well, you know, in this,

that's all the Americans are doing as well.

Are you going to shut down every comical notion we bring to you?

"Yes, but he was in space, leave him alone!"

Respect the spaceman! Respect him!

-"I love science, and everything's OK, because it's science!"

-I...

"I will not have jokes about astronauts,

"because he's gone up there and done experiments that

"I don't know exactly what they are, I've just been told."

You think he's bluffing that, that, actually...

He is on a blag, mate. He's been up there...

The slightly sad thing about it is, he's the first British astronaut,

but he is representing the European Space Agency, isn't it?

So if there is Brexit, the next British astronaut

is going to be in a hot-air balloon on a very long...

I think he deserves all the honours he's getting,

because it is a dangerous mission to get

that much closer to the sun when you're that ginger.

LAUGHTER

It was sort of ridiculous that when

the guy from the European Space Agency was asked,

"How will he feel?" He said,

"Well, I think he's going to be a bit shocked by gravity"

You think, he's got a very short memory.

"Whoa, what's this business, whoa!"

He's been up there six months with no atmosphere,

so to ease him back in they've taken him to the new Top Gear studio.

-Whoa!

-Whoa!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Boom!

Take that, Chris Evans!

His first comment when he came out was that the Earth

smelled really strongly of earth,

and everybody sort of shuffled uncomfortably and went,

"That's just Kazakhstan."

I like the way he said, "I'm looking forward to spending some time

"with my wife and having my first shower for six months."

Like, other way round, mate.

Unless she likes him a bite game-y, I'd do it the other way round.

Game-y!

-So how do they wash in space?

-They get a cloth. They wash with a cloth.

-Just with a cloth?

-Hang him upside down.

-Dirty bastard.

So, would you like to go in space.

Um, yeah, no, it's really... Oh, hello.

Jesus Christ, what's with the fucking flies?

Oh, Tim Peake's not here, is he?

Smelly bastard Tim Peake's up and turned up.

LAUGHTER

Are you certain, Dara, that no part of you is dying?

ED LAUGHS LOUDLY

Flies... Flies are attracted to corpses,

you are correct, but they're not attracted to the dying.

-Flies don't follow old people...

-Are you actually dead, then?

Flies don't follow old people around

as an omen. "Oh, hello. Mrs Jenkins,

"Mrs Jenkins from 13B, the flies have gathered."

They're not vultures, they don't hover,

waiting for you to breathe your last.

Where do you piss, as well, in space?

In space, there's a funnel. A funnel with a vacuum in it.

Oh, quality. That's felt nice, innit?

"I need to go to the toilet again!

"Ooooh..."

"He's drinking a lot!"

I imagine...

Is Elvis your cum face?

Yeah.

"A-huh-huh, a-huh-huh..."

"A-huh-huh, a-huh-huh...

"One for the money..."

Just to talk about something slightly cleaner,

do you suppose the novelty of pooing in a bag ever wears off?

LAUGHTER

Do you have to do it in a bag? Is it just floating about?

-You could catch it, I suppose, like a butterfly net.

-Yeah!

"Got you...

"Do you know what? I'll go up and get a few of them

"when there's more collected."

At the end, the points go to Angela, Hugh and Milton!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See,

so if everyone could make their way over to the performance area,

I'll read out this week's topics and

we'll see what our panellists can come up with. OK, here we go.

The first subject is...

"Thunderbirds are go!"

Is what I shout at orgasm.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

No, Laa-Laa, I'm afraid you're not tellytubby, you're telly-obese,

and if you're not careful, you'll get telly-diabetes.

BUZZER

Don't ask your parents' permission before you phone.

Those dicks will only say no.

BUZZER

And on today's Horrible Histories,

a 1970s episode of Top Of The Pops.

Right, young Womble, today we're going to destroy

the Wimbledon Tennis Championships and get rid of all this

dog poo from the common. Get yourself a golf club...

BUZZER

Well, if you're not having an affair,

whose square pants are these?

BUZZER

Well, things are hotting up in Balamory

Archie's been radicalised.

BUZZER

Well, Miss Hoolie, I'm wondering

if I'm going to be regretting this job in 14 years.

BUZZER

Mr Tumble, you're 43. Grow up, for fuck's sake.

BUZZER

Johnny's dad said, "Do your revision!"

So Johnny left school and entered the Eurovision Song Contest.

BUZZER

Daddy Bear said, "Somebody's been sleeping in my bed."

Mummy Bear said,

"It was probably your whore, Linda."

Just three more blobs of glue

and that's a massive cock and balls there.

BUZZER

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-And the janitor would have got away with it, too,

if it hadn't been for the photographs

he'd taken of those pesky kids.

# Yodel delivery driver Pat Yodel delivery driver Pat

# He's thrown your parcel in a hedge. #

And now it's time for our resident band of children violinists.

Please welcome The Kiddie Fiddlers!

And now Peppa Pig...

is a recipe on Saturday Kitchen.

BUZZER

Let's see what's happening over at the Magic Roundabout.

Yep, more dogging.

BUZZER

Just remember, your Blue Peter badge can get you in free

at over 200 strip clubs and lap dancing establishments.

BUZZER

Look, Igglepiggle. It's the Ninky Nonk. Oh, the...

HE SIGHS

Olivier said my Hamlet made him weep like a little girl.

OK...

the next subject is...

Wayne Rooney's come out covered in Formica.

I think the manager's told them to play as a unit.

BUZZER

Rooney is playing in the pocket.

Oh, that's unpleasant.

BUZZER

And England go through on penalties!

BUZZER

And the French mascot

is seven-year-old Lucien Dubois from Nice,

showing us all how to smoke a cigarette with real panache there.

BUZZER

Oh, that is an absolutely shocking decision by the referee.

Black shorts, black shirt.

I'm sure the girls will agree with me way too matchy-matchy.

BUZZER

Let's not forget that Roy Keane and Martin Skrtel

were club mates at Real Sociopath.

BUZZER

Oh, that is an absolute beauty! Swedish, about 25.

Well done, Dirty Dave, on camera five.

BUZZER

The England front three are trying to get in behind

but the WAGs are having none of it.

BUZZER

And the crowd invade the pitch, and the French officials have...

surrendered?

BUZZER

Oh, did that cross the line?

Seemed a bit racist to me.

BUZZER

Well, next for us it's Iceland Turkey,

and when that's defrosted, it's England Slovakia.

BUZZER

And Russia have gone for a 4-3-3-7-8-10-1-9-16 formation.

We're never going to get out of this alley.

BUZZER

Well, let's look at the stats.

In the first half, I was responsible for 90% of the cliches.

And that really is

the icing on the cake.

BUZZER

And the Swedes are out!

He really should have worn tighter shorts.

BUZZER

So, who's up for the World Cup in Russia? Guys?

Guys?

BUZZER

It's Ronaldo down the wing,

doing what he did a minute ago, and he's slightly slower.

This is the replay, isn't it? Yes, it is.

Goal! Well, they say, cometh the hour, cometh the man.

And I have. I'm just off to get some more pants.

BUZZER

At the end of that round, points go to Rob, Ed and Miles.

That's the end of the show.

This week's winners are Miles Jupp, Ed Byrne and Rob Beckett!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Commiserations to Angela Barnes, Hugh Dennis, and Milton Jones.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.

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# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

# Read all about it Read all about it

# News of the world News of the world. #