Episode 4 Mock the Week

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This programme contains some strong language.

Hello and welcome to Mock the Week. And what a week it's been.

I'm Dara O Briain. Joining me this week

are Rhys James, Zoe Lyons and Rob Beckett,

Ed Gamble, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We start with a round called

If This is the Answer What is the Question?

On the board are six categories.

Rhys, which category would you like?

Um... Home News, please, Dara.

Home News as the category?

That's an interesting choice.

Let's see what's happened this week at home.

Your category's Home News, the answer is "43 Years".

What is the question?

"For how long will the average Glastonbury goer

"keep their wristband on?"

"How long will it take

"for Nigel Farage's erection to subside?"

"If Jeremy Corbyn asked the Shadow Cabinet for a high-five,

"how long would they leave him hanging?"

"How long will somebody have to wait, if they're born today,

"before they can move out of their parents' house?"

"How long will you have to wait for your Uber

"if everyone gets deported?"

"How long does Rob take to brush his teeth?"

AUDIENCE: Ooh...!

Big teeth, innit?

"What's the age difference

"between Cher and parts of Cher?"

"How many years has Jeremy Corbyn had his shirt?"

Is it the average age of the Russian under-21 gymnastic team?

Do any of you know what the correct answer is?

"On which wedding anniversary is it traditional

"to give them some time apart?"

Actually, I think it's, "How long have we been in the EU?"

Absolutely right, thank you very much, Hugh.

The question I was looking for was,

"How long has the UK been a member of the EU

"before Thursday's momentous referendum vote to leave?"

How have people reacted to the result?

I'm pretty furious with my grandad.

I mean, I was only being nice to him to get the inheritance

and now his vote has made the inheritance worthless.

There's been a big age divide, though, hasn't there?

A lot of the older people have voted to leave,

a lot of the younger people have voted to stay.

And I just think, if you are a person over 65,

I would avoid stairs for the next ten years.

I think we could've prevented that, though,

by making it an internet vote.

It would be very wrong to stereotype

-all Leave voters as old, anyway, wouldn't it?

-Yeah.

Although it doesn't matter if we do cos they'll all be in bed by now.

Statistically, 4,000 of them are already dead.

LAUGHTER AND GASPING

If we just... It'll take two years to leave.

If we'd just held the referendum in two years,

it would have been a landslide for Remain.

Yes, some people are very, very... Very disappointed.

Some people felt it's, you know,

it's a trait of the British people, the desire for sovereignty,

for independence, all that, you know.

It was a big war cry, wasn't it? To "get Britain back", you know.

And that's already started,

the currency is already back to the point where it was in 1985.

So, I mean, clearly... It's clearly working.

When Sunderland voted to leave, I thought maybe they thought

they were voting to leave Sunderland.

You thought it was like,

"Would I like to leave? Fantastic! I'll just tick 'yes',

"I go into another booth and suddenly, like Mr Benn..."

HE SINGS MR BENN THEME

"I'm not in Sunderland any more."

The Cornish voted to leave as well, didn't they?

Cornwall voted to leave cos they think it'll give

the fishing industry a boost.

Which it probably will,

because fish will become our currency when...

..collapses.

It's like the country's had, like, an office affair.

We've got to middle age, had an office affair, thought,

"This is crazy, actually - I'm leaving her, yeah!"

They get their new flat in Canary Wharf going, "Yeah, freedom!"

Give it two years, they're crying, sitting in their pants

and the people left over are the kids

and they're screwed.

I tell you what, Cameron was right...

Oh, Jesus, that was brutal.

I've got it if you need it, mate.

Cameron said it'd be bad for jobs, and he was right,

cos his was gone by 8 o'clock the next morning.

So who's has been backtracking since the referendum result?

A lot of people have been regretting their decision.

You know, cos it's split up families,

it's divided families, it's divided friends.

I mean, I've got a Dutch wife,

so on the morning after the referendum,

it was just tragic to watch her

packing her little clogs into a bag...

Taking her little wheels of cheese away...

My girlfriend demanded to know if I was in or out.

Unfortunately, we were having sex at the time.

Yes. There's been a lot of, um...

Basically a lot of the Leave campaign have been forced to go,

"Oh, yeah, that - did we say that? Did we say 350 million?

"I, uh... Really? It wasn't written anywhere, really.

"Oh - on the side of a bus? Er...

"Oh, well, you know,

"people write things on the side of buses all the time.

"I mean, there was a side of a bus going round near me recently

"that said Batman V Superman is a five-star movie.

"That was on a bus for ages and it's not...really."

I think the £350 million claim

was the most dubious figure on the side of a bus

since you did those Megabus adverts.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow.

You know...well...

I couldn't let that one lie. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I understand people having regrets about it,

cos I mean, we all have regrets about things.

You know, I have many regrets -

usually they're connected to a hangover -

but I've never woken up in the morning

and gone, "My God, did I cause the currency to crash last night?"

-Quite a hangover, isn't it?

-"Did I have some part in that?"

Yeah. Well, people rarely, when you wake up after a bad night,

hand you a graph.

"Oh, dear, this looks bad."

Well, now we've got control of our borders,

people are saying that the population could go down

by as much as five million people -

or Scotland, as they prefer to be known.

The Leave campaign wanted to bring more manufacturing

back into Britain, didn't they?

And they've started with the truth.

They've just started manufacturing their own truth in Britain.

Well done.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hey, by the way, by the way, we should...

Because this is nationally broadcast

and they're cheering for certain points of view expressed here,

should remind them, we're in the bubble, here, people -

that bubble which happens to be

London, Scotland, Northern Ireland and Gibraltar.

That weird, freaky bubble that pops up randomly at points, yeah.

They want a speedy divorce, don't they? The EU.

Like - is it Juncker? Is his name Juncker?

-Yeah, Juncker.

-Juncker.

-He wants a speedy divorce.

I reckon we should get, like,

Cheryl Versini Fernandez Tweedy Cole,

whatever - get her in.

She's smashing through the divorces and she's looking all right.

Get her in to head it up.

I love that the result of the Brexit vote

has meant that Rob refuses to pronounce any European names.

He is being quite strict on us, though, Juncker.

Like, I'm starting to think,

"Is he still going to let us bring a board game on our last day?"

Cos I've got the perfect one - we should take in Risk.

At least we can use Brexit now, can't we?

Like, if I just don't achieve what I want to in my life,

I can be like, "Brexit, weren't it?"

Nothing to do with me having no drive or, like, positivity.

It'd just be like, "Did you get the milk?"

"Come on, Brexit, give me a..."

Can't get a boner -

"Brexit - leave me alone!"

Why didn't we just call it a full English Brexit?

Yeah, yeah.

I had a bit of a result, cos I, like,

I actually put 100 quid on us to leave, at 10-1.

And I've put that towards my holiday,

so 25 euros, now, for my holiday.

Do you think there's a danger

that this country will eventually be broken by the fact that we forgot

to stop the direct debit going out to the EU?

And then, two years in, they go, "Why are we still losing 350...?

"I meant to give that money to the NHS

"and yet, it still seems to have been going out every week."

We've got to invoke Article 50, haven't we?

That's the first thing that's got to happen.

The first thing that strikes me about that is that Article 50

is a long way down the articles, isn't it?

Judging by Boris Johnson's mood, and Gove,

they're doing Article 49, which is the,

"I...I'm just going to, like, say we did but not do it

"and hoping people forget."

I mean, that is not the face of triumph.

That is a naughty boy.

A naughty boy...who has misbehaved.

I think it looks like a press conference

where a ventriloquist has been caught

doing disgusting things to his dummy.

What has become highly desirable because of the vote to leave the EU?

-An Irish passport.

-Yeah, one of these.

One of these, baby, one of these.

Oh, back off, hey!

I know. Pretty sweet, my friends, pretty sweet.

Isn't it amazing we've got to the point where our own Prime Minister

is in a less internationally strong position than Jedward?

Application forms for these have run out.

They're expecting an extra million of these.

-They're pretty sweet, you know...

-I'm not bothered about that.

I think it's all a fuss over nothing, but on an unrelated note,

I'd just like to say, Dara, I love you.

I've loved you since the very first moment I saw you

and would you do me the honour of being my husband?

Until now, though, it's been pointless having an Irish passport

because they don't let you on a plane drunk anyway.

GASPING AND LAUGHTER

-What?

-Really? Really...?

You are in no position, my friend.

I've gone for it. I've gone for it, mate.

You dug in it there, yeah.

Everyone's trying to find some sort of Irish heritage

so they can try and get this, but how far back can you go?

I might try and get an African one.

-Go way back, mate.

-You have got to go back a long way.

-You might get a German one.

-I might get a German one.

Oh, you're grand on that score. I think you're laughing, there.

I think your face is almost too German.

It sort of reminds them of quite a chequered history.

The bad times.

You're very much an ideal they wanted to move away from.

It shows you that their ideal of what, like, a super-race should be

should not be me - look at the state of me.

-Even Hitler would go...

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-"No, too far."

I don't think he thought Aryans would have to have a pillow.

OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Rob, Zoe and Rhys.

Oh, yes!

Now we play a round called Nice To EU, To EU Nice.

This game involves Rhys and Gary.

If you could make your way to the performance area...

This is a stand-up challenge. I launch the Wheel Of News -

wherever it chooses to stop, one of our performers

must step forward and talk about that subject.

OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.

And the first subject is Jobs.

Who wants to come in on that? Rhys?

I've got a job.

Yeah, I'm not resigning.

And, eh, my job is this -

which still counts, Dad.

This is a good job. It's not the best job in the world.

I'd never say that - some people think it is, it's not.

Best job in the world - Community Support Officer.

With no power comes no responsibility.

Best...job...ever.

Nothing is expected of you if you're a Community Support Officer.

If it's not writing down someone's details,

then it is beyond your remit.

That is 100% - it's just vigilante admin.

That's all it is.

You're a professional grass. That is your job.

I got a leaflet through the post

a few weeks ago advertising that job.

It said, "Do you have what it takes to be the best?

"Will you stand up in the face of danger when no-one else will?

"No?

"Then you should become a Community Support Officer."

In the hierarchy of law enforcement in this country,

it goes army, police,

British Transport Police,

ticket inspector,

traffic warden,

park ranger,

dinner lady...

..kid wearing Nike trainers,

kid wearing Adidas trainers...

..Community Support Officer,

kid wearing Umbro.

APPLAUSE Well done. Well done, Rhys.

OK, that leaves Gary, let's see what you've been left with.

Let's spin the wheel again.

Your topic is Technology. OK, away you go.

The young couple next door to me have recently made a sex tape.

I mean, obviously, they don't know that yet.

The hardest part of making skimmed milk

must be throwing the cows across the lake.

The guy next to me at work used to watch porn all day.

I'm just glad he didn't begin to rub off on me.

I think if I was to try revenge porn,

I'd just post naked pictures of myself online,

so everybody would know how low my ex's standards were.

When answering the security question "place of birth",

apparently "vagina" is not an acceptable answer.

It's been a tough week.

I got myself a memory foam mattress and now it's trying to blackmail me.

I've currently got a stalker.

But you probably can't tell in these trousers.

A friend of mine was killed by the big C.

He was walking past Currys and a sign fell on his head.

I was watching TV and the announcer said,

"There's a documentary about the clitoris on the red button",

but I couldn't find it.

Thank you.

APPLAUSE Bravo, very good.

Points there for Gary Delaney. Come on back.

Our next round is called Picture Of The Week.

I show the panel a topical image

and ask them to tell me what's happening.

So what's going on here?

Is this Jeremy Corbyn training for his new job

at a McDonald's drive-thru?

Is he saying to her, "Are you sure this is

"the most modern Bluetooth headset you've got?"

Is he saying, "Please hold,

"your resignation is important to us"?

Is he playing Call of Duty and saying,

"Why are you shooting me? I'm in the same team as you!

"This keeps happening."

He's going through the whole phonebook,

going, "Hello, would you be interested

"in becoming a member of the Shadow Cabinet?"

"Are you the householder in this house?

"OK, your parents aren't in? OK.

"Would you be interested in...?"

Is this Madonna has finally found a backing singer her own age?

Corbyn's popularity drops even further

as it's realised he was a DJ in the 1970s.

"Hello - have you been mis-sold a referendum?"

-Anyone know the correct answer?

-Well, it's Jeremy Corbyn.

Yes, this is a picture of Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn,

who is fighting a huge challenge to his leadership

in the wake of the referendum campaign.

This week, Corbyn suffered over 40 resignations from his Shadow Cabinet

before Labour MPs passed a vote of no confidence in his leadership.

It's weird isn't it? Exactly a week too late,

he's become absolutely committed to REMAIN.

It is striking that at a time of, you know,

when the Tory Party's falling apart

that Labour leaped into action and disintegrated.

Just completely fell apart.

It's almost like this particular generation of Labour leaders

think they're bodyguards for Cameron.

"Oh, my God, Cameron's in danger, quick, let's take the bullet, no!"

I think it might get to the point where Jeremy Corbyn

is the only person in the Labour Party

and it's just him wearing a series of different wigs.

Just desperately running round Commons, going,

"Hello, I'm a lady in Labour.

"And I love Jeremy Corbyn, he's so handsome."

After a while, all the resignation letters just went,

"Dear Jeremy, what he said."

The Shadow Cabinet is now basically the Sugababes.

They're going so fast, aren't they?

And it's people...people being replaced who you've never heard of

are being replaced by people you've never heard of.

It's like, kind of, limited edition Walkers crisps

that have gone before...

..before you've ever had a chance to try them.

The Shadow Environment Secretary was a fennel and gooseberry flavour,

that no-one really went for, yeah.

I think Jeremy Corbyn's big problem was that he supported Remain

about as enthusiastically as most Labour MPs support Jeremy Corbyn.

You know what, he wanted a new kind of politics, didn't he?

Tick.

But he is going to be tremendously difficult to shift, isn't he?

Cos he's still got enormous support in the Commons.

Mainly from the Tory party.

Yes, he does. It's all a bit desperate.

He's like the old lady who won't move

when a motorway has to be built, and refuses...

So the road is just going to have to go around you, pet.

Like that farm in the middle of the M62

where there's that guy going, "No."

And it's going round.

What was deputy Labour leader Tom Watson up to

when the news broke?

He was at Glastonbury He was ahead of the game.

He was trying to convince Adele to become shadow foreign secretary.

That's Tom. Yes, grand.

He posted a load of stuff, I think it was on Snapchat.

He posted a picture of him in the silent disco tent,

and then the following morning,

someone took a picture of him at the train station,

returning to London, finally having turned his phone back on.

"You have 637 new messages."

What's going on? They're supposed to be...

No wonder Labour's in turmoil. "Where's Jeremy Corbyn?"

"He's in hiding - he's gone to Gay Pride",

"Where's Tom Watson?" "Glastonbury".

"Andy Burnham's at a foam party, he'll come back later."

They're supposed to be adults.

You know that's a bad day at work

if you have to rush in with glitter on your face.

He's at an illegal rave, all right? Let him have his weekend.

He's coming down from MDMA, all right?

He's had a rough week.

Oh... Don't wreck his buzz. Nobody wreck his buzz.

You're killing his vibe.

He's been at a festival. How did he have charge on his phone?

You can charge your phone at festivals, now.

They have all sorts of things. I think... You can pee into...

I saw this thing where you can pee into something and it powers...

That might have been a different video. Anyway, so...

In other news, what's going on here?

-GROANING

-Oh, God...

Too soon, is it?

This has got to be the shittest week ever.

Wait till we get to the bit about Andy Murray abducted by an alien.

Oh, no! Not now!

Is it, "One big hand, one little hand -

"I never noticed that before about Joe Hart."

Is he thinking, "Right, Iceland have a very strong defensive team -

"if I let them score twice

"in the first 20 minutes, that should be fine."?

I'm just angry, I can't make it funny.

Is he saying, "I know this team like the back of my hand...

"Hang on - what's that?"

Is this the runner-up in the national resigning championship?

-AS HODGSON:

-Oh, well - it's only five more days

till France would have knocked us out anyway.

Is he saying, "Jamie Vardy's right,

"these electronic tags are really uncomfortable"?

Is he going, "Right, OK, what time is kick-off?

"I should have enough time to write...write my resignation before the kick-off."

Oh, God. Oh, I'm too angry.

I'm just so sad.

It's going to be all right, innit, Dara?

Everything? You know things.

I don't care, man. I don't care, man.

Anyone know what the correct answer is?

Hodgson's shit and we're out. Is that the answer?

I'll accept that. I shall accept that as the correct answer.

Sterling didn't have a good game, but to fair to him,

he was 10% smaller than he was last week so...

We got beaten by a team with basically all the same surnames.

It's like losing to a school team in Norfolk.

Presumably everyone's rowing in behind Iceland now. Is that the...?

It's like conkers, really.

All of your things are passed on to whoever wins.

Iceland now own England.

And I, for one, welcome our new Icelandic overlords.

Ooh!

APPLAUSE

-I love that. It's fantastic.

-Something is happening

cos there's a long gap between the first and the second one.

There's a long gap

and you know something is happening in Icelandic in their heads.

Some Viking thing is happening, and it's freaky,

cos they're going "Oh...!"

Even longer than that, you're like, "Come on, come on!"

Then when all they... When they know,

when they know the time has passed...

"Argh!"

It's a glorious thing.

What was happening in that gap

was they were scoring two goals.

At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and Gary.

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like to See.

If everyone can make their way over to the performance area...

I'll read out this week's topics,

then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

OK, here we go. The first subject is...

Unlikely Film Trailers.

Referendum 2 -

we'll keep doing it until we get the result we like.

From the director of Batman V Superman -

a heartfelt letter of apology for wasting our time.

Tantric Sex The Movie -

not coming soon.

The new, all-female Ghostbusters.

The CGI looks amazing because we saved 30% on actors' wages.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

Sepp Blatter and Donald Trump star

in Despicable? Me, Too.

Thanks to a unfortunate typo,

it's the most one-sided action film ever -

Alan Versus Predator.

Just when you thought the service couldn't be any more appalling,

Southern Rail present

Snakes On A Train.

The Avengers go to prison.

They should have asked the age of Ultron.

The greatest trick the devil ever played

was charging nine quid for Fanta and popcorn.

It's a fucking lot, innit?

In his most important role to date,

Danny Dyer is Emmeline Pankhurst.

"Me and the rest of these tarts is pissed off!"

The sequel you hoped they would never make.

The Martian 2 -

101 Dull Martians.

One man stands alone.

It's Labour - The Film.

It's the auto-erotic asphyxiation thriller,

Die Hard.

Fifty Shades Of Grey.

The heart-warming story of a vajazzler in an old folks' home.

In a land where nothing costs more than a pound...

It's Poundland.

Referendum 4 -

now Ant wants to leave Dec.

Michael Gove is David Cameron's best buddy in Quentin Tarantino's

The Hateful Mate.

Harrison Ford is 73 and he's back,

in Indiana Jones And The Tricky Patch Of Ice Outside The Post Office.

In a world where they only sell PCs...

It's PC World.

Very good. OK. Next topic -

Unlikely Things To Hear On A Makeover Show.

Look, Gok Wan, I know you're trying to build my confidence up,

but could you stop grabbing my tits and shouting "bangers"?

Welcome to Changing Rooms -

this one's in the lingerie department at Debenhams.

I love what you've done with the bedroom, guys,

I love the neutral colours, everything, all the new furniture,

but what have you done with my beanbag?

There was 20 grand's worth of coke in that.

Well, why do we call it DIY SOS?

Because I've accidentally

staple-gunned my penis to this staircase.

Welcome to Straight Eye For The Straight Guy,

where the advice is always "spray Lynx on your crotch".

Mrs Patterson says her downstairs is a little damp.

Don't worry, Alan Titchmarsh has that effect

on a lot of women your age.

When Susan approached us, she was overweight,

she had terrible hair and her self-esteem was at rock-bottom.

But now, thanks to our team,

she's got a new kitchen.

This bathroom really is looking exquisite now -

we have laid Moroccan tiles on the floor,

we've used accentuating tones on the walls, and over here,

we've put a brand-new shitter.

Well, it's taken a lot of work,

a lot of sawing and a lot of drilling

but finally, the shed is finished,

and Jeff has somewhere quiet

to masturbate in.

Oh, wow - she looked hideous before, didn't she?

Oh, that's after - sorry.

Oh, we just did a spruce-up, really.

We dusted, got rid of the cobwebs,

sorted out the curtains downstairs and...yeah,

I'd probably shag her now.

Well, I mean, I absolutely love it.

I love the wallpaper, I love the way you've knocked through.

There's just one thing.

I actually live next door.

I showed this couple from Sussex a delightful little semi earlier

and said if they touch it, I'll do up their house.

What your hair needs is volume and lots of body.

So, here's Brian Blessed.

-MUFFLED:

-Why did you give me MORE teeth?

At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and Gary.

That's the end of the show.

This week's winners are Rhys James, Zoe Lyons and Rob Beckett.

Commiserations to Ed Gamble, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE