Episode 5 Mock the Week

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This programme contains some strong language.

Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.

I'm Dara O Briain and joining me this week are John Robins,

Holly Walsh and Rob Beckett,

Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis, and James Acaster.

CHEERING

We start with a round called Picture of the Week.

I show the panel a topical image,

and ask them to tell me what's happening.

So what's going on here?

Er, is it the new National Lottery advert

for "please don't let it be them"?

Is this pointing out people who are not going to be Prime Minister?

Is he saying to Boris, "Look over there",

and then when he turns around, he stabs him in the back?

Is Gove saying, "I support...you"?

Is Gove saying, "Pull my finger"?

Michael Gove, I suspect, is just going,

"Look! A foreigner. Get him!"

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

Or possibly, "Look! An expert. Get out!"

I think they're playing a game we used to play at school called

Point At The Prick.

I know you probably invented that for comic effect.

Please tell me you genuinely played a game as brutal as...

No, he didn't play it. People played it at him.

Is Gove saying, "Don't even go there, girlfriend"?

I like to think Gove is going...

# Young man, there's no need to feel down

-# I said young man... #

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, let me know what the answer is.

It's Michael Gove and Boris Johnson.

Yes, it is.

Thank you very much, Hugh.

Of course, this is a recent picture of Michael Gove and Boris Johnson.

This week, Gove is accused of betraying his former ally, Johnson,

by entering the Conservative leadership race himself.

As a result, Johnson said he would not be running.

Now, at the time of recording,

Gove is one of the three remaining Tory politicians

running to become leader of the party and Prime Minister,

since Liam Fox was eliminated,

and Stephen Crabb has pulled out of the race.

People are comparing the political machinations and backstabbing

and double-crossing to an episode of Game of Thrones,

which is silly, cos Game of Thrones,

the average episode doesn't contain nearly as many tits.

Yes, there's an irony, isn't there?

That Michael Gove is the justice minister who,

for the last two years,

has obsessed about law and order and knife crime,

and yet he's perfectly prepared to just stab someone in the back.

APPLAUSE

I don't know about you guys, but I am starting to wonder

if Boris Johnson isn't the political mastermind we thought he was.

That is a remarkable theory you've got there, John.

He's been out-manoeuvred by Michael Gove,

which is the equivalent of being run over by your own golf buggy.

He was never going to get there, was he?

Having shafted everyone, he's not going to do it.

I hope he keeps his job

as the poetic justice secretary as well.

APPLAUSE

I'm just glad Stephen Crabb isn't in any more.

Cos I was really worried about that.

I didn't want Stephen Crabb to become the next Prime Minister

because he has ties to a "cure the gays" Christian group

that he accepted interns from and used to intern for,

a group that feel you can be cured of being gay, so that's a bit dodgy.

Secondly, he grew up on the benefits that his party is currently

trying to cap or scrap, but thirdly, and most importantly,

if he becomes prime minster,

the Prime Minister of the UK will be younger than me.

And that is it.

It's all well, you're all fine, you're fine.

You don't have to worry, but you'll face this.

20 years from now, you'll be sitting right where I am, thinking,

"We're going to breeze through this programme

"and go on to something better",

but eventually, no...

You left...you left of your own accord

when we had a Prime Minister who's younger than you!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Not entirely sure if you're applauding

the political point made by Ed

or his thwarted ambition.

I'm not sure which of them has tugged at your heartstrings more.

How they've tried to, sort of, undermine Gove,

the knives have come out for him and Ben Wallis said of him,

"He has an emotional need to gossip, particularly when drink is taken,

"as it also often seemed to be."

Which is the most Tory sentence ever said.

You're almost expecting him to finish by going,

"And when the cheese is served, he's positively devilish."

What he means is he's a laugh when he's drunk.

I could get on board with that.

Just Gove at the dispatch box going...

-SLURRING:

-"I'll tell you who else is a dick..."

The biggest thing about all this Gove backstabbing is that

I wish I'd read a bit more Shakespeare,

cos they keep banging on about how Machiavellian it all is,

and I'm having to go, "Yeah, tell me about it."

Got no idea who he is or what he does.

He wasn't in Shakespeare.

It's not like they keep on saying...

Who's Maca... Who is he, then?

I thought it was a nut till last week.

Positively macadamian!

How macadamian of you to have done this!

I'm the kind of guy that does the research on the show.

Who's the Machiavellian fellow, then?

He was an Italian, sort of, philosopher

who used very ruthless tactics to achieve power.

Happy? Look what you've done.

I thought he just pissed off a king in something.

It's not Shakespearean.

They keep on saying it's Shakespearean,

but in Shakespeare, everybody kills everyone else.

That didn't happen here, did it?

Julius Caesar didn't get up the next day

and write a column for the Daily Telegraph.

My favourite thing about the Telegraph column...

The Telegraph ran big on this column.

It was like the front of the page this week was,

"Boris reveals his plan for Brexit."

You're going, "Oh, wow, you should e-mail that to last week,

"when we gave a shit what Boris thinks about Brexit

"and his plans for stuff."

This is why you get really suspicious.

Michael Gove said, in the last two weeks,

he has realised that Boris is not the man

who would make a good Prime Minister.

He's known that Boris for 30 years.

And it hasn't occurred to him. That makes him...

The only person who is slower than Gove

in working out who is best in what position

is Roy Hodgson.

Do you think that the people of Uxbridge and Ruislip

are happy that at least Boris might do some constituency work now?

-Because he's, like, their MP.

-Yeah.

He has spread himself quite thin.

There was one point there, for a whole year,

Boris Johnson was Mayor of London, the MP for Ruislip,

an author and a newspaper columnist all at the same time.

See, it's not foreigners taking your jobs, it's Boris Johnson.

The weirdest one of the five, the one that no-one really knows,

is Andrea Leadsom, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-I've just got a flash forward

of what I'm going to look like in about 25 years.

Hopefully, you won't get a hairy chest.

Fingers crossed. Yeah.

Who is the current favourite to become Conservative leader?

-Theresa May.

-Theresa May.

-Theresa May, is it?

-She MAY become leader.

-Oh, don't...

I've just got a flash forward of what Ed will look like in 25 years.

And you know what, Ed, you'll still be on Mock The Week.

Following the Leave vote in the referendum,

why might Britain's trade negotiations with the EU

run into difficulty?

Cos we don't have enough negotiators.

There aren't any negotiators. This, an unforeseen problem.

It turns out the EU is full of people

who negotiate EU treaties all the time

and there are none here.

And the thing is, hiring negotiators,

hiring professional negotiators, is notoriously difficult,

because you have to negotiate their salary with them.

And they can take ages.

They know how badly we need the negotiators

-and, as negotiators, they know how much they can leverage that.

-Yeah.

They just walk in and go, "Oh, I was reading a very interesting story

"about how much you need negotiators."

And spin it across the table. "Mm. Your move?"

That's how I presume professional, high-level negotiators do.

It's going to be like an episode of The Apprentice.

Team EU are all set up. Meanwhile, Team Take Back Control

are going, "I've got £1 off hats.

"Is that good? Is that good? Yeah, yeah."

"Oh, great news! Movement of people is now free.

"Is that good? Have we done well?"

"No, that's the thing we didn't want you to give.

"Oh, you've given free movement of people. You're an idiot."

It's all well and good slagging off The Apprentice now, Dara.

Now that it's in your rear-view mirror.

We've literally got nothing to negotiate with, have we?

Cos we've already negotiated.

We went and we said, "If you don't give us what we want,

"we're going to leave."

And then we left. Now, we're saying,

"So, we've left - what are you going to give us?"

In other news, but not entirely unrelated,

what is Jeremy Corbyn refusing to do?

-Leave.

-Yes.

That's the main news this week is that the guy who ran

the Remain Campaign is remaining.

And the people who ran the Leave Campaign have left.

At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and James.

CHEERING

Now, we play a round called

Like A Corbyn, Touched For The Very First Time.

This game involves John and James. If you could make your way over to the performance area, please.

This round is a stand-up challenge.

I launch the Wheel Of News and wherever it chooses to stop

means our performer must step forward and talk about that subject.

OK, here we go. Let's spin the wheel.

The first subject is Health. Who wants to come in on that?

John.

I went to get some test results from my GP the other day.

And she sat me down and she said,

"I'm very sorry to tell you, Mr Robins, but you have got gout.

And I was absolutely stunned.

She said, "You seem surprised to hear you've got gout."

I said, "Yes, I am.

"Because I'm not from the 17th century."

She said, "The first thing you need to avoid, Mr Robins, is alcohol."

Now, it's gutting, because what do you replace alcohol with?

I'm not a doob-monger.

Nor do I ride the Chinese highway.

By which I mean I don't take drugs.

I think, mainly, cos I don't have the vocabulary

to oversee a transaction.

So, she says, "The second thing you need to avoid,

"Mr Robins, is cheese."

And I said, out loud, to a respectable GP in her late 60s,

"What the fuck, mate?"

Then she gets this serious look on her face and she says,

"The third thing you need to avoid, Mr Robins,

"and this is very important,

"is offal."

Well, I tell you what,

if I didn't damn near spit that pig's ear clean out of my mouth.

Turns out gout is actually a very serious condition.

And after a lot of soul-searching,

I've decided to cut offal entirely out of my diet.

I'm not going to make you imagine what that's like.

It's my cross and I'll bear it.

And I'll tell you how I bear it -

pissed and covered in cheese.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well done. Thank you very much.

That leaves us with James.

Let's see what you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel.

The topic is Moving House.

Ah. I moved house recently.

Luckily - that's good, isn't it? That's fortunate.

Touch and go for a second, there,

and that came up and I was like, "Ker-ching! Jackpot!"

I did move house recently.

A tad too draughty for my liking, my new house.

I had to order a draught excluder. By post.

The best way to buy a draught excluder is by post,

cos when they deliver it, they post it through the door,

it drops through the letterbox onto the floor.

Already, it's paying for its own postage.

I moved to west London.

I used to live in south-west London.

Different times. I was a different person.

I used to be in a gang.

Big-time in a gang. SW6 gang. That was our name.

That's the area of London we were from.

And it's what we'd shout at other gangs we didn't like much.

Like, if I saw the SW5 gang, for example, we'd shout at them,

"SW6!"

That's clever.

I remember once, back in the day,

we were out and about, SW6 crew, taking no shit.

And we looked across the road and we saw them, SW5 gang.

And as soon as I saw them, I was cross.

I shouted at them, "SW6!"

As per.

And they shouted back at us, "SW5!"

Which we expected, but it still made as angry.

"SW6!" Back at them, "SW5!" Back at us.

Back and forth, back and forth, for ages.

Until, eventually,

I got so over-stimulated that I shouted out my entire postcode.

In full.

And that is why I had to move house.

Well done. Points there for James Acaster.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Our next round is called, If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

On the board are six categories. John, which category would you like?

-I would like Sport, please, Dara.

-OK, your category is Sport.

And the answer is one.

What is the question?

What is Bruce Forsyth's national insurance number?

Is it the viewing figures for the final Top Gear?

LAUGHTER

DARA GROANS

How many of the three wise men got invited back

to Jesus' second birthday party?

LAUGHTER

What did the other two do wrong?

-DARA AND ROB:

-Who wants frankincense and myrrh?

Nobody wants that.

And wasn't, at the time, frankincense worth more than gold?

I think that was because they had been a collapse in the price,

because Judea had just left the EU.

What is the optimum number of directions for a boyband?

In my annual stock take,

what number do I write on my left testicle?

To the Daily Mail, how many immigrants constitute a swarm?

How many packets of biscuits would you need to cater

Michael Gove's funeral?

Oh! Ooh, that's cold.

Ooh.

How many Fast And The Furious films would have been enough?

How many times have I dropped a bath bomb in a lemonade?

It was that good, was it?

Put it this way, mate - you don't do it twice.

Is it what David Cameron's going to give Miss Piggy

now he's not Prime Minister?

It took a long time to get to one.

Is it, "How many people is the reservation for, Mr Corbyn?"

Can we have the correct answer, please?

Is it how many times has Wales got to the semifinals of the Euros?

Absolutely right. Thank you very much, Holly Walsh.

Yes, this question celebrates a first -

how many times have Wales made it to at least

the semifinals of a major international football tournament.

Now, this is recorded, obviously, on Tuesday,

we don't know how it went against Portugal last night,

but are we enjoying or have we enjoyed Wales in this tournament?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, man.

It's the best thing.

It's just wonderful, because they embrace it

and they love their players, one of which doesn't have a club,

which is insane.

If they get into the final, he's going to have to miss it,

cos he's got to go home to sign on.

One of the players, I've forgotten who,

had tickets for Beyonce last weekend.

That shows... "Oh, I've got three matches, maybe a fourth.

"Yeah, put me down for a ticket for Beyonce."

Joe Ledley had to cancel his wedding.

Had to cancel his wedding, yeah. A more substantial thing.

It's a bit embarrassing though, that they've done so well

and England have done so badly.

But what annoys me is the FA always go,

"We're going to have a full investigation

"to see why we didn't progress as far."

What are they going to find out?

Are they going to do an investigation and find out,

"It works out the coaches were teaching them rugby. Nightmare.

"Shame, innit?"

What have the English fans,

how have they been reacting to the Wales success?

Well, this is the weird thing.

The day after they beat Belgium, the most common search,

apparently, on Google, was "Welsh grandmother".

-Is that right?

-That was the story, yeah.

They were trying to find out if they've got Welsh ancestry,

but that's not... If you type "Welsh grandmother" into Google,

you just... It's like you're trying to buy one.

What are you going to find out if you type "Welsh grandmother"?

What's it going to tell you?

See what happens if you type Welsh grandmother into Porn Hub.

If you want to find out... I'm ignoring that.

If you want to find out...

You're ignoring it, but you're going to try it later.

-When you say ignoring it, you mean...

-Storing it away.

This calls for a Private Browsing.

Hello, good evening.

Private Browsing. Yes, sir. It's in the pocket for later.

Welsh grandmother.

Your country needs you again.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

The, em...

Who lost 5-2 but are still considered to be the winners?

Oh, Iceland.

-Iceland.

-Amazing.

It was phenomenal.

Apparently, according to reports, 99.8% of the country were watching.

It must have just been Bjork outside in the streets going,

"It's oh so quiet."

Yeah, there was 99.8% watching,

I think the rest of the country were playing.

None of them stay.

Anyone who gets knocked out of these tournaments immediately leaves

as opposed to going, "Well, can I stay and watch the other games?

"Can I see it out? Can I see how the other teams do,

"cos I'm actually interested in football,

"being a professional footballer.

"I'd actually quite like to watch one of the games."

"No, you must leave. You must leave now."

The next time we do a gig together, Dara, if you're on first,

are you going to stay around and see all the other acts?

When would I be on first?

CHEERING

Wow!

I didn't mean that as a joke.

Meanwhile, what's going on here?

It's just Nigel Farage HEILing a cab.

That is Nigel Farage attempting to get out of a car via the window.

Still the most sensible exit he's ever negotiated.

That's the first time a cab driver has ever turned round and gone,

"Actually, mate, I find what you're saying a bit offensive."

What's very creepy about this

is that if you're looking in the reflection

of the car back there, you can see there's a bald man.

If you look in the front of the car, he's there as well.

Do you not think it's a bit suspicious that he's resigned

at the same time as Cameron and Johnson?

Do you think they're going to be presenting Top Gear?

It would be very, very like the old one.

Cameron would wear the flowery shirts,

Boris would do the stunts,

and Farage would just be horrible to foreigners.

Exactly the same format.

No, he resigned this week as leader of Ukip.

There's another photograph at the weekend

at a garden party with Rupert Murdoch,

wearing a pair of shoes that, frankly,

the bowling alley would like back.

You know, cos, you know, there's a clean up on aisle three.

-Who's thrilled with him leaving?

-Everyone.

-Yeah.

-OK, but...

-Well, sadly not.

-I'm not thrilled with him leaving.

-You're not thrilled?

-No.

-You think he should stay and clear up the mess?

I think he just left, just didn't do his job. They've all left.

They've all messed up and they've all left.

Yeah, but it's going to be a quality Celebrity Big Brother in Jan, innit?

Points there are going to Rob, Holly and John.

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.

If everyone can make their way over to the performance area, please,

I'll read out this week's topics

and we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

OK, here we go. The subject is...

If Maria from Russia combines Ephedrine with OxyContin,

will she win her next tennis match?

Was Elizabeth the First? No?

Then who did you lose your virginity to?

If I have two balls in this hand and two balls in this hand,

how am I going to explain this to the Board of Governors?

What is the role Adolf Hitler and the Nazis played

in keeping the History Channel on the air?

If it takes John's girlfriend 14 minutes

to walk to the train station,

then why are we still getting ready?

Which of the following is a quote by Winston Churchill -

A, We will fight them on the beaches,

B, Goddamn, I love these peaches,

C...?

LAUGHTER

If you buy four apples for £10,

stop shopping at Waitrose.

If The Borrowers never returned anything they borrowed,

why were they called The Borrowers

and not The Thieving Little Bastards?

History.

Who were the Liberal Democrats?

Welcome to the telekinesis exam.

You may now turn your page over...with your mind.

British citizenship test, question one.

Who is the leader of the Conservative Party?

And now?

How about now?

If a man can make £400,000 a year as an estate agent,

why is he wasting his life setting exam questions

while locked in a loveless marriage?

In less than 200 words,

please describe your plan for Brexit.

Please, anything will do. Literally anything.

Which of the following is a quote by Winston Churchill -

A, We will fight them on the beaches,

B, Goddamn, I love these peaches...?

Sorry, I can't do that. It makes me laugh too much.

I love "Goddamn, I love these peaches" so much.

Predict the next number in this sequence - 1966.

Question 1,066. When was the Battle of Hastings?

Biology. Take the dead rat and dissect it.

Remove its head and nail it to the canteen door

as a warning to other rats.

Which is bigger - 52% or 48%?

That's democracy. Get on with it.

Which of the following is a famous...? Fucking...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, the next topic is...

The next station will be Wimbledon.

Change here for Overground, Underground and Wombling Free.

The next stop for this train will be Waterloo.

It's not meant to be, but the brakes have failed.

Yeah, I just wanted to tell you I'm on the train.

No, everyone else is doing it, I thought I'd join in.

Hello, this is your driver speaking.

Choo-choo!

Now an announcement for the people

who insist on sitting the way the train is moving,

cos sitting backwards feels weird -

you're weird.

This train will shortly be arriving on Taunton.

Please remember to turn off all mobile phones

lest they mistake you for gods.

This is an announcement for all passengers.

Piss off, the lot of you.

This is CrossRail.

Due to Britain leaving the EU,

this train will no longer stop at Ashby-de-la-Zouch.

Bing-bong!

Could the owner of a missing xylophone

please make their way to the guard's carriage?

This is an announcement for the passengers

who are complaining that this service is late.

Can I just point out that as this is Southern Rail,

you're lucky to be on a fucking train at all?!

Bing-bong! This is the bullet train service to...

Oh, we're here. Everyone, off.

Will the driver please contact the guard?

We're doing 120, you don't seem to be in the cab, mate.

Please mind the gap between the timetable and reality.

There is a quiet carriage on this train

for those shocked into silence by the price of the ticket.

Oh, don't get off here. I was listening to that.

Ah! Ah! Oh! Ah! Oh! Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Ah, I'm scared of tunnels. I'm so scared of tunnels.

At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and James!

CHEERING

That's the end of the show.

This week's winners are James Acaster,

Hugh Dennis and Ed Byrne.

Commiserations to John Robbins, Holly Walsh and Rob Beckett.

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.

# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

# Read all about it Read all about it

# News of the world

# News of the world. #