Episode 6 Mock the Week

This programme contains some strong language.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello, and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.

Joining me this week are Miles Jupp, Ellie Taylor and Loyiso Gola,

Josh Widdicombe, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Every week, there's kind of a little joke I do

with the studio audience here, where I say, "Oh, don't worry,

"you'll never get a camera pointed at you over the course of the show.

"When do we ever show the audience on Mock The Week?

"Only when we had Andy Murray, and none of you are Andy Murray!"

Do you remember that joke from earlier on?

Well, tonight, one of you IS Andy Murray.

Ladies and gentlemen, in the audience tonight,

Wimbledon Champion Andy Murray!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you both for coming. Congratulations.

CHEERING CONTINUES

-How are you? You well?

-Yeah, good. How are you doing?

-Very, very well.

-Imagine if he'd gone, "No, I'm shit!"

-Am I allowed to ask Andy a question?

-You are. Yes, I believe you are.

You kept looking at notes between...

Were you slowly working your way through the Chilcot Report?

"It's 2.6 million words! I've got to get through it at some point!"

I've got a question as well. This is a bizarre question -

how many bananas do you eat during a game?

Cos you... Cos they eat bananas, right?

Yeah, they do. They do. Well, if they...

Obviously, you're turning to me here. "Well, yes.

"As an elite athlete,

"I often eat bananas.

"And chocolate bars. And it's delicious."

Sorry, yes - how many would you get through? Is that still a thing?

Yeah, well...like, one?

There you are.

APPLAUSE

Does it depend on the length of the match?

During the Tsonga match, that's four or five bananas.

That's a four- or five-banana game right there. You know what I mean?

Well, for you, it might be. But one... One for me.

APPLAUSE

Honestly, if we were talking about chips, that might hurt.

But bananas sounds like, "Oh, I got my five-a-day."

I have one.

What is the most shocking thing you've done under the towel?

When you threw the tennis racket into the crowd...

it was a gamble, wasn't it?

Did you throw...? I didn't see it.

-Did you overarm it? Cos that would be even...

-Yeah, no, no, no...

Cos I've got tickets to see the javelin at Rio 2016...

I'm absolutely shitting myself!

Now that we've done our informal press conference...

..we start with the round called

If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

On the board are six categories.

By the way, welcome, all the way from South Africa, Loyiso.

-It's a pleasure to have you here, Loyiso.

-Thank you.

Welcome. Which category would you like?

-Um, Home News.

-Home News it is. The category's Home News.

The answer is...

What is the question?

Um, how long is Andy Murray going to party after he's won Wimbledon?

APPLAUSE We'd like to believe so.

Not the correct answer in this situation.

Is the question, "If I say the phrase,

" 'Miles Jupp and Dara O Briain riding a camel naked,'

"how long until that image leaves your mind?"

And I found out the hard way.

Is it, "How long ago did Andy Murray

"put laxatives into Djokovic's breakfast?"

Harsh.

But...suspiciously true.

Is it, "How long does it take John Chilcot

"to write a text message?"

Is it, "How long is the average journey from London to Brighton,

"currently, on Southern Rail?"

APPLAUSE

Is it, "What is the name of the Craig David song

"which ends with a verse about him being red-raw?"

THAT is an image I can't get out of my head now.

Is it, "How long does it take to defrost Ivan Lendl?"

"How much longer was my suitcase's holiday than mine?"

Is it, "How much longer will the Labour Party last?"

Oh, that's very ambitious for the Labour Party!

Is it, "How long traditionally does it take

"to upstage a partridge in a pear tree?"

APPLAUSE

Anyone know the answer to this one? 12 Days, please.

How long was the Tory leadership campaign?

Fantastic. Thank you very much, Hugh Dennis!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, the question I was looking for was,

"How long did the Conservative leadership contest last?"

This is the news that, after just 12 days,

the Tory Party leadership race is over.

Andrea Leadsom dramatically withdrew,

paving the way for Theresa May to become Prime Minister.

-Did you follow the dramatic leadership race?

-Oh, yes.

-Oh, it was exciting, wasn't it?

-It was good, wasn't it?

Strange, this candidate appeared from nowhere,

from almost nowhere,

and has disappeared again almost as quickly.

But history? History will long recall the name "Angela Lansbury".

There she is there,

writing some murder, like she does before she runs for things.

Why was Angela Lansbury such a controversial figure, though?

Because she was actually Grayson Perry.

She thought she would be a better Prime Minister than Theresa May

because she had children.

And, effectively, that only people with children

would care about the future of the world.

And that people who didn't have children, like Jesus, for example...

..will be thinking, "As soon as I'm gone, that's it.

"I'm not... I don't care."

As a childless woman, I would like to say

that I think she actually has a point,

because I couldn't give a shit, mate. Um...

As a childless woman, I just wake up at, like, 11am,

I just do some fracking...

..then I go for some, like, a long lunch, have a bottle of wine.

Do I recycle it? Do I heck!

And then just sort of go home and try and devalue the pound.

And then repeat. That's it.

Do we know that she definitely has children, or is it just another lie?

Um, is it a British thing for people to just come out

on their front step to tell you things, and then leave?

It's not even her house. It's not even her house.

She was burgling that house, and...

And then the police interrupted,

and she decided that was probably the point to drop out of the race.

By the way, welcome to the country. How are you finding it over here?

Um, nobody told me that you guys have foxes

just running in the streets! I didn't know.

I saw a fox for the first time, and I was alarmed,

and everyone was casual about it,

cos I was like, "That is...not a dog."

And then I'm from Africa -

you guys assume we have animals walking around.

I haven't seen a fox in ten years,

and the last time I saw a fox, it was in a zoo.

And also you lied and you said it was summer!

APPLAUSE Welcome, my friend. Welcome.

Theresa May ran a campaign - a successful campaign

to become Prime Minister -

by doing and saying nothing for about six weeks

and just watching everyone else die.

And it was like...

The one thing we've learned is how Theresa May plays Call Of Duty.

Which is...

Online, Theresa just finds a place to hide,

holes up with the shotgun,

lets the killing commence.

Pops out, lurking. Pam, pam, pam - gone.

Back in again.

My big worry with Theresa May

is that she might smile and it'll be winter for ever.

LAUGHTER

The crazy thing about Theresa May is, obviously,

that hardly anyone has voted for her.

Like, I think it's 165 MPs have got her into power.

I think there are more members of the So Solid Crew

than have voted her into power.

You weren't elected, were you, to this position, Dara?

I wasn't. I stole it in a bloody coup.

And would do it again, my friend.

People have disappeared from this show, Miles -

and would again - for raising those exact kind of questions.

Well, I'm just saying...

Where's Frankie now, where's Russell now? Gone.

You will be dragged through the streets, Dara.

You will be dragged through the streets like Gaddafi.

Then they'll be laughing.

There were five regulars on this show - how many regulars now?

Just poor, weak Hugh.

Poor, weak Hugh, who I own.

APPLAUSE

Hugh will always give the correct answer when I ask him to -

won't you, Hugh, won't you, Hugh?

Your shoes are almost polished, sir.

Thank you, Hugh.

Hugh knows what's right for him.

In other news...

I think you're terrific on the Megabus, sir.

APPLAUSE

I don't know if you're being sarcastic here, Hugh.

And there goes the final regular. Incinerated.

Just me, and new people.

Moving on - what long-awaited report

was finally published this week?

-Chilcot.

-The Chilcot Report.

-Yeah.

-It's available on Amazon - all 12 books.

People who liked this report also liked...um...

It's massive, isn't it? How many words is it?

It's 2.6 million words.

Do you know who I feel sorry for

is the bloke who's got to read the audio book.

-It's always Stephen Fry.

-He'll be doing all the voices.

-AS STEPHEN FRY:

-"And they found no weapons of mass destruction."

Yes, but how, then, by contrast, will David Cameron be remembered?

He'll be remembered as a man who could book a removal van

within two days.

-That's impossible, isn't it? How do you do that?

-It's brutal.

Brutal, that stuff!

Somewhere else in Britain, there is someone going,

"What do you mean you can't come this morning?"

We booked this months ago!

It was three months ago, the date was clearly in the contract,

we've reserved the parking, which was difficult enough to do -

where are your men?

How was David Cameron referenced by our guest tonight?

-Orally.

-Yes.

-He mentioned him. Using his...mouth.

-In what way, though, in what way?

He did a kind of shout-out to him - he said,

"David Cameron's here", during...

When he'd just won Wimbledon, and then everyone booed.

Which is weird, because the press really picked up on the fact

that everyone booed him -

I'm like, leaders always get booed.

The only time a leader gets cheered

is either if you live in Love Actually or North Korea.

That's it.

So what has the world come to that a Conservative Prime Minister

would get booed at Wimbledon?

What has become the must-see attraction

for Chinese tourists in the UK?

-DARA COUGHS

-Is it like...

There's this weird village in... You all right?

-I've...got a bit of a cough.

-Have you swallowed a moth?

So... I'll ask the question again, shall I?

Yes. Rather than dying of pleurisy there.

What has become...? God, I hope I don't die.

Wouldn't that be awful? If I die in the next while

and you go, "Oh, I know, we never asked."

Ah, 2016, another great gone.

LAUGHTER

Weirdly, it's like you're mocking me even though I've died?

I'm not even dead, you're going, "Well, he's no David Bowie!"

The only thing I'm thinking is, "Then I will have won."

APPLAUSE

OK. At the end of that round,

the points go to Loyiso, Ellie and Miles!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now we play a round called Netflix And Chilcot.

MILES GUFFAWS

This game involves Loyiso and Milton.

So if you could make your way to the performance area, please.

This round is a stand-up challenge.

I launch the Wheel Of News and, wherever it chooses to stop,

one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.

OK, here we go. Let's have the first topic, please.

The first subject is Politics.

Who shall come in on Politics?

Loyiso.

So you guys all, erm,

are worried about your prime ministers and that kind of stuff -

I'd say calm down.

Because I'm from South Africa,

and the guy who is the head of state now

was facing 763 charges before he became the president.

That's a lot of crime.

You have to break the law every day for two years.

Cos you guys are...

I mean, we had a great president,

our first democratically elected president, President Nelson Mandela.

And I had the opportunity to meet Nelson Mandela -

he came up to me, I was a young lad,

I think I was about 12 and stuff.

He came up to me and said...

-AS MANDELA:

-"Uh, uh, young man...

"..would you like me to tell you a joke?"

I said, "Yeah, go ahead, it's your country."

"Uh, knock-knock."

I said, "Who's there?"

"Who else speaks like this?"

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much, Loyiso.

That leaves us with Milton.

Let's see what you've given. Let's spin the wheel.

And it's Jobs.

Milton.

Have you noticed that if you Google the phrase

"lost medieval servant boy"...

..it says "this page cannot be found"?

APPLAUSE

Some of you are going to be doing that tomorrow.

I think if I was opening a Pizza Express,

I'd open it next to a Vision Express

so we got some of their customers by mistake.

If I had unlimited money I would hire two private investigators

and get them to follow each other.

Do you ever get that thing where you think someone is probably definitely

wearing a wig and you think...?

I'm sorry, Your Honour.

I'm a bit of a lazy writer,

according to my children, QWERTY and F12.

Being a PE teacher, that's easy. Urgh, urgh!

Shiny!

-I teach running.

-HE WHISTLES

Run!

-I teach swimming.

-HE WHISTLES

Swim!

And a tiny, tiny little bit of geography.

-HE WHISTLES

-Jog!

Loyiso Gola and Milton Jones! Come back, both of you.

Our next round is called Picture Of The Week.

I show the panel a topical image

and ask them to tell me what's happening.

So, what is going on here?

Is it Murray showing Tim Henman how bath time is different?

Is Andy Murray going to be cryogenically frozen

and brought back when Novak Djokovic has retired?

Sorry, Andy!

-Zing!

-I know what it is.

Andy is from Scotland, they don't get too much sun over there.

He is enjoying the reflection of the trophy.

I am assuming that is the picture he has put on eBay!

He looks like a centaur. He looks...

It looks like his legs bend backwards in the bath.

That must be how he covers the court so quickly.

If his legs flip backwards, you could never lob me, my friend.

He always plays on CENTAUR court!

Bravo!

That trophy, you could fit your head inside.

Have you toyed with putting your head in the trophy

and playing Knightmare?

I haven't, actually, no.

When you get home, you are going to have the time of your life!

Have you put the baby in the trophy?

-You've surely put the baby in the trophy.

-She doesn't fit.

We tried, but...

I have a difficult... Congratulations, by the way.

That is what you say before you dig into someone.

I have difficulty appreciating tennis because every point

and every set and everything you do in tennis is in silence

and absolute concentration.

Do you know how many goals Jamie Vardy would score

if people just shut up before he kicked the ball? No, yes?

I feel you have not been watching Andy

who has a distinctive monologue running.

This is not a man who hides his emotions.

"This is going so badly!"

"Now it seems to have turned, it has turned. Now it's gone badly again."

"I lost a point, I won a point!"

Jesus, it must be exhausting being Andy Murray.

Those people in the box that you have invited, and you shout at them.

You know, mate, unlucky

but you're about to get a taste of your own medicine, you Scottish...!

I would love you to come on. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?

Why did you make me do this, Mum?!

Sorry, that wasn't about you. That was just my own problem.

Why is there a pineapple on top of the trophy?

-Is it a pineapple on top of the trophy?

-Yeah, it's a pineapple.

Are you meant to fill it with Lilt?

Try that tonight, after the baby.

We presume they just give you this thing,

presumably it is back in a safe.

Do you get to have it for any period of time?

That was the last time I saw it, actually.

Where the hell is it?!

Did you turn away and come back and, "What?! The trophy has gone!"

This would be the place to tell them.

"We have told you this trophy has a no nudity rule,

"we are taking this away from you."

"This trophy has not seen a penis in 127 years! Not now."

They took the trophy away, do they give you a replica?

Yeah, a small one.

-Can you fit your head in that one?

-What can you fit in that one?

We'll cut the mic out.

Does anyone wish to ask further questions?

-What are we meant to be answering?

-What is going on here?!

I think we have blown the gaffe. We know what is going on here.

What is going on is we are offending the only person

that has done anything good in Britain this year.

APPLAUSE

Yes, this is a picture of Andy Murray after

winning his second Wimbledon title, making him the first British man

to win multiple Wimbledon singles titles since Fred Perry in 1935.

-Did you watch the match?

-Of course I watched it. He's here.

How many towels did you steal this year, there was a thing...?

-Yeah, one a match I steal.

-That's fair enough.

People came to the players and said,

"Apparently the towels are going missing" and every player,

yourself, it was Serena, I've forgotten the others,

"Yeah, we steal the towels, that's what we do.

"What are you going to do?"

They don't come in and go, "Yeah, I will give you the towel back."

"We will sell it to a local school."

I liked Roger Federer because he used to be called Roger Feder

then he met another Roger Feder but he was determined to be FEDERER.

That is a good joke, man!

APPLAUSE

You finally began to get why Milton is here.

Who cracked a rare smile after Andy's victory?

-It was Ivan Lendl.

-Yes.

A man who makes Mr Spock look like Graham Norton.

You think why is he so good and it's

because it is like being watched by Lord Voldemort.

He brought his dental floss with him.

It was a relief when he moved

because for the first two sets I was thinking, "Is he alive?"

I thought he died a few days ago,

you were doing a Weekend At Bernie's situation.

I'm sure he's a nice man.

He's lovely and the C on his cap stands for charismatic!

How did the other Brits do at Wimbledon?

Great. Sue Barker kept her job.

She did.

She didn't have it last year but she's got it this year.

-They nailed it. Heather Watson won.

-Heather Watson won mixed doubles.

Gordon Reid in the men's wheelchair singles,

Gordon Reid and Alfie Hewett for the wheelchair doubles,

Jordanne Whiley for the women's wheelchair doubles

and Greg Rusedski in the invitation men's doubles.

I don't know why we're including that one.

-Greg Rusedski?

-Hm? Greg Rusedski...

-Is he still going?

-Still going!

Got Greg Rusedski, Tony Blair and Pokemon is back.

-What a time for the '90s!

-It is...

The '90s were great, weren't they? Let's do it all again.

-No, let's not.

-OK, fine. Yes!

APPLAUSE

At the end of that round, the points go to Josh, Hugh and Milton.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Now, we come to Scenes We'd Like To See

so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area.

I'll read out this week's topics

then we'll see what our panellists can come up with. OK, here we go.

The first subject is...

And there you have it, Andy Murray has won his second Wimbledon.

Thank you for watching.

I'm Tim Henman, this is the worst day of my life.

Let's see what the batsmen does with this ball.

He's nicked it.

Give us back our ball!

Well, he's really got on the end of that.

He has hit that ball a long way.

Long, long, long way back into the crowd.

That is dreadful snooker.

Rooney to Vardy.

Back to Rooney. To Vardy.

No, neither of them can open that packet of sandwiches.

And the result for the Russian doping tests have come out.

I must say, those are some good drugs.

So lovely to see Quidditch finally in the Olympics.

Look at all the proud, proud virgins.

Usually Bouchard hits the backhand...

That is a fantastic shot!

Well done the cameraman, low angle,

perfect view of her knickers.

So you join us here for the opening ceremony of Rio 2016.

And the stadium is rocking.

Mainly because they haven't finished building it yet.

HE MIMICS AN F1 CAR

Yes, this Grand Prix has been cancelled

but I've managed to catch a wasp under this paper cup.

HE MIMICS A WASP

That's a bull's-eye and you know what that means?

I won't be buying a pie from Greggs again.

McIlroy takes out the driver.

Uber aren't going to be happy about that.

Look at all these athletes in peak physical condition.

If I could see just one of them naked I would die happy.

And with one lap to go, the pacemaker drops out.

Where the fuck is my pacemaker?

OK, the next topic is...

They fell back onto the bed, panting.

He turned to George and said,

"I will be with you, whatever."

"Goodness," said Elizabeth Bennet, returning to the drawing-room.

"I'd leave that for five."

She pulled his hair and slapped him roughly

but still Jeremy Corbyn wouldn't resign.

He opened an eye, she thought she might love him.

He opened another eye, she thought she DID love him.

He opened another eye, she was put right off.

She looked into his eyes and said, "This is not going to work out.

"I am from a wealthy family

"and you're a donkey."

She kissed him, the only way she knew how.

On his penis, right on his penis.

He felt so close to her he didn't know where he ended and she began.

Being a human centipede was the worst.

They romped for hours in the long grass,

stopping only for her to take her antihistamine nasal spray.

"You.

"I love you,"

said Mellors the gardener.

"Oak and beech are fine but my favourite tree is yew."

As she looked at Mr Darcy with his clothes dripping wet, she thought,

"I wish I hadn't taken that job at the old people's home."

What do I love about you? Your eyes, your hair.

Your Irish passport.

"Please stop doing that," he said, their bodies glistening.

"I've got a long drive to Wrexham in the morning

"and I need to be able to sit comfortably."

Eyes,

you are all eyes,

Miss Mississippi.

Kim turned to Andy and said, "Yes, of course I will."

Andy said...

-MONOTONE:

-"Thank you for making me the happiest man in the world."

At the end of that round, the points go to Josh, Hugh and Milton!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And that's the end of the show.

Our thanks to Miles Jupp, Ellie Taylor and Loyiso Gola.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thanks as well to Milton Jones, Hugh Dennis and Josh Widdicombe.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

But the winner of the very important, really impressive

and we're really proud of this, winner of the Mock The Week -

this is one the most special trophies currently existing

at the moment is the Mock The Week episode 155 winner.

And there can only be one winner of this trophy

and it is, of course,

Andy Murray, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING A proper trophy!

How will I...? I've got to, you know, I'm going to bring it to Andy.

I'm going to bring it to you, Andy. I'm going to bring you this trophy!

I'm going to get this trophy to you, Andy.

How am I going to get up there?

No, I've got to get up there.

I'll going the full tennis style, yes!

Oh, here. Seriously, oh.

This is the way they do it!

They love doing this shit!

You can't stop them.

Oh, God, that one was close. That chair's breaking.

Hang on, wrong way. Lovely. Oh, sorry, hang on.

Right. Oh, thank you. You're very kind.

No. Lovely. OK. Oh, they're up here.

No, hang on. Lovely. I've gone too far!

They're there! You're there! You're there. Sorry. Excuse me.

Sorry.

Ladies and gentlemen, the trophy goes to Andy Murray!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you for watching. That's all from Mock The Week. Goodnight!