Episode 7 Mock the Week

This programme contains some strong language.

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Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.

Joining me this week are Ed Gamble, Tiff Stevenson and Rob Beckett,

Romesh Ranganathan, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.

APPLAUSE

We start with a round called Picture Of The Week.

I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening,

so what is going on here?

Is it Celebrity First Dates?

Is this what happens when you swipe right on Tinder

without looking properly?

I suspect that she is thinking, "Don't call him Dobby."

Is he saying now, "Listen, gorgeous, hey, gorgeous.

"I met this chick in Kiev."

This was actually taken at Euro 2016 and just after the photo, she hit him with a chair.

Remember that guy, it was two months ago, the old fine?

Topical comedy!

They're both thinking, "OK, last night was a mistake."

I reckon he just said to her, "Girl, are you a beaver? Cos damn!"

As the photographer said, "OK, now, act like you stayed together for the children."

I tell you what this reminds me of,

it reminds me of my parents confronting me suddenly

and my dad confiscating my windsurf

and hiding it behind his chair until I ate the cauliflower.

It's difficult to know what length to do your tie, isn't it?

Because I imagine standing up, that's OK.

Sitting down, that's a proper ball tickler, that one.

-Do any of you have the correct answer?

-I think it's the G20, isn't it? In China, weirdly.

But she met Putin when she was there.

That's absolutely fine. Thank you very much, Hugh, very good.

Yes, it's a picture of Theresa May and Vladimir Putin at the G20 summit

in Hangzhou in China earlier this week.

What were the British delegates warned about at the summit?

-Oh, honey traps.

-A lot of honey traps going on.

-Yeah.

-What I want to know is how arrogant you have to be

as one of these politicians

to think you have genuinely pulled within hours of landing.

Like, "Don't worry, I'm not going to get done by any honey traps.

"I'm spending the night with this hot bird."

That's why it's good having a woman in charge though,

cos Theresa's not going to fall for that.

We're instantly suspicious

when someone wants to be friends with us out the blue.

It's, like, "What are you after? My job, my boyfriend? I'll kill you."

They think, don't they, they think there's surveillance in all the rooms they've been warned against...

Imagine living a life where you're just watched and listened to.

It's so obvious, though, isn't it?

Like, this has happened in every Bond film.

I don't know how they're falling for it. It would only be more obvious

if the spy was called Ivana Suck-your-dong.

"Well, Ivana, why do you keep interrupting our lovemaking to go,

"'one, one, two, two, one, one, one, two, two, two'?

"It's not sexy at all, Ivana."

-How did the G20 go, anyway?

-The old G20?

Oh, I can't stop listening about the old G20.

-Your favourite rap group, innit, Rob?

-I love them.

I liked them when they were G4. I followed them all the way through.

Are you finding this a dry and dull subject?

Everyone bangs on about the G20. It's been going since 2008.

I've got older things on me Sky+.

-It's not a big deal.

-We have to cover these things. A week ago, I had fighting robots to talk to.

This is not where I expected to be now, right?

We know you really want to be back there

when you start referring to Hugh as the last remaining house robot.

It's like if one of you flips him midway through the show.

Flip him, and Hugh is left immobilised.

-Unable to correct himself. Whirring furiously.

-Throw him in the pit.

-Sorry, you were saying?

-It has been quite...

Sorry, Sir Kill-a-lot. What were you saying?

The G20 has been quite difficult for Theresa May, hasn't it?

Because it's her first sort of outing on the international stage.

She's had lots of awkward conversations,

not least with the Chinese president

because she has to keep resisting saying, "27 golds."

-Yes, the Chinese president, whose name is?

-Xi Jinping.

-Xi Jinping. Very good. Yes, Xi Jinping.

Apparently, his father made the mistake of christening him

in the same room as a microwave.

If all the rooms are getting bugged, and they're listening in,

we should try and make the most of it,

cos obviously it's stressful. So we should try and divert the attention,

Theresa May could be in the hotel room going, "Oh, my God,

"I can't believe Barack Obama's going to invade Hong Kong."

You could start making requests as well, like, saying things like,

"Oh, I'd definitely say yes to Hinkley

"if there was Nando's for lunch."

Apparently, the Chinese are desperate not to look as if they're

spying, which is why it's now called Beijing instead of Peking.

How, by the way, how was this trip for everyone else? Obama was there.

-Did he have a good time?

-Well, the Philippine president

-described him as a son of a whore.

-Yes.

That's really taking "your mum" to a new level.

The Philippine president has got a history of doing that. So he called Obama a son of a whore.

Apparently, he called Pope Francis a son of a whore

and a US ambassador a son of a whore.

I'm starting to think his translator's just winging it.

"Oh, just something, something something, son of a whore."

"I don't know, he's hammered, he's drunk."

Sorry, I was going to say, I just sort of think Obama...

Are we that bothered that Obama is getting snubbed? He's on his way out anyway.

He's been having a bloody holiday for the last...

He's not really doing anything, is he? He's dicking around.

Like, doing little comedy bits,

like, slamming Donald Trump, trying to make us forget

-that he authorised the drone strikes. He...

-I might be too happy.

But I think you might not be happy enough, Romesh.

I just... No, listen.

Now, there, Obama. Romesh is keeping an eye on you, so you better,

you better do some stuff.

He has told us that we can't expect a trade deal with America,

-that's one of the things he's done, isn't it?

-Yeah.

He said, after Brexit, if we try and organise a trade deal with the US,

we are at the back of the queue.

Cos he's got to do one with China and the EU.

I mean, they you go, he's trying to explain queueing to Britain.

That's exactly it. And I think...

This is exactly it, you think...

Relative to them, relative to them,

what we want in a trade deal is very, very small so there should be

a different queue... Five items or less queue.

Please, please, I want to bring some sense to this by having a sober,

normal discussion about a serious news story. Right.

Which Labour MP would you turn to if you wanted to buy a washing machine?

H-e-e-e-y!

Keith Vaz, Keith Vaz, Keith Vaz.

-Yes.

-Why is Keith Vaz in the news this week?

-Oh, well,

it's because he was with some male escorts

and he lied to protect his identity.

He said that he was a washing machine salesman.

He didn't mention a brand but he did say there would be a heavy load.

Apparently, he's the first person to complete Grindr.

I didn't know it was like Poke-a-man Go. That you go, "Oh, look, there's a gay man there.

-"There, there."

-Gotta catch 'em all! Gotta collect 'em all!

-Fling me Poke Balls at the gay man.

I need more Poke Balls, find some more Poke Balls.

It's a tricky one, isn't it?

Cos he's used these two male prostitutes, and yet,

he was the chairman of the Commons Home Affairs Select Committee

which was looking at prostitution, changes in it.

So it's either hypocrisy and a terrible thing has happened

or he's one of the few MPs

who actually knows what the hell he's talking about.

I do actually... I feel sorry for him

because he is somebody that's actually gone out of his way.

He's obviously a heterosexual man, married with kids,

and despite that, for the purposes of research...

..he has gone and slept with male prostitutes

in order to demonstrate his commitment

to finding out exactly what it's all about.

And also, people ignore

how difficult it is to have sex full stop when your name is Keith.

I mean, it's almost impossible.

He's gone method, and he's like Daniel Day Lewis.

Washing machine salesman, I mean,

it's typical Labour - spin, spin, spin.

-It was Romanians, wasn't it, the sex workers?

-Eastern European.

I mean, this story gets better and better

because he is one of the people that went to the airport to welcome

the Romanian immigrants arriving in this country a while ago.

And that seemed nice at the time...

LAUGHTER

But now feels like the most sinister thing I've ever heard.

"Welcome to our country..."

HE SLOBBERS

"Your clothes look dirty.

"I've got something for you."

"Wash-y, wash-y, dirty boy..."

APPLAUSE

And one of them has said that they hadn't tried poppers and then

he tried to sell poppers instead of just going, oh,

it's five seconds of "Ooh," followed by an hour and a half of "Aargh."

Don't you have to pick it all up?

Yes.

Yes, it's very messy.

I'm sorry...just...

Oh, gay men, I have to wonder what it's like.

"This house is a mess! Are you secretly gay?

"There's strands of confetti everywhere!

"Have you been in here with your gay friends, John? Be honest with me."

POP OK.

Yes, you'd like me to end the round.

You'd like me to end the round.

-We're really getting some deep truths about politics.

-Yeah, mate.

OK, at the end of that round,

the points go to Romesh, Hugh and Milton.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Now we play a round called Ain't No Party Like A Keith Vaz Party.

This game involves Ed and Milton, so if you could make your way

to the performance area, please.

This round is a stand-up challenge.

I launch the Wheel Of News and wherever it chooses to stop,

one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.

OK, here we go. Spin the wheel.

And the first subject is health.

Ed Gamble.

So, in the last three years,

-I've lost 6st in weight.

-SILENCE

Cheers.

APPLAUSE

No, too late. A lot of audiences like to clap, they like to whoop, they like to cheer.

You guys just went with staring and that is absolutely fine, that's...

That's all right. That's fine. I think I might have made a mistake, as well. Cos I'm not as happy, now.

I thought health would equal happiness.

Turns out, the happiest moments of my life was just

me sat on the sofa in my pants laughing through a mouthful of cake.

I'm a more worried person now.

I think, am I eating the right thing? Am I exercising enough?

I went for a run the other day. I accidentally swallowed a fly.

I had to Google, how many calories is a fly?

Six per serving, if you're wondering.

Weirdly now, I feel like an undercover fat person

who has been secretly sent into the lair of the thin people

to gather information on what those crazy villains are doing.

And then I feed it back to the fat people.

You've got to feed it back. We eat anything.

So I'm in there, just going, what are the thin people up to?

What's going on? Oh, interesting. That guy has got a packed lunch.

But he's actually eating it at lunchtime.

LAUGHTER

Hmm, I have never seen that before.

He's not just made it in the morning

and then eaten it on the bus on the way to work,

and then bought chips at one.

That is intriguing resolve.

They're using phrases I've never heard before.

Things that only thin people say.

"I think I've got some biscuits, I'll just go and check."

Who's living their life like that?

Who buys biscuits and then forgets that they exist?

That is unacceptable.

I'm so deep undercover I've met the bosses of the Thin Mafia.

People who don't even like food that much.

"Oh, no, I'm not really a food person, you know.

"It's more of a fuel, helps me get through the day."

If you don't like food, then what are you thinking about

all of the time?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much, Ed Gamble.

That leaves us with Milton - let's see what you have been left with.

Let's spin the wheel.

The topic is shopping.

Tricky, isn't it? When you go to buy a toaster and at the end,

the shop assistant says, "Well, what about insurance?"

And you don't want to, but you end up taking a hostage.

LAUGHTER

Recently, I bought the autobiography of Francesco Sello,

the man who invented Sellotape.

But I couldn't find the beginning.

So, lads, if you want to confuse a girl,

best thing to do is buy her a pair of chocolate shoes.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So I took my cases and my clothes to Tesco,

because they say they help you pack your bags.

Instead, everyone was just running around saying,

do you want some fruit and veg, do you want some fruit and veg?

Turns out it was one of those hypermarkets.

What else can I tell you about myself?

I own a small zoo.

And a pirate ship.

Although, not at the same time.

I didn't buy that much Lego!

I mean, we think of pirates as being all smiley.

Turns out, they are actually all Somali.

APPLAUSE

Milton Jones.

The points go to Ed Gamble.

Our next round is called, If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

On the board are six categories.

-Romesh, which category would you like?

-Sport, please.

OK. The category is sport.

The answer is 264.

What is the question?

Is it, the number of back-to-school photos of our kids

my wife posted up this morning?

Each one more delightful than the last.

I'm just... The second one ain't even that good-looking!

You know what I mean?

Keep them secret for the good of the family name, know what I mean?

Yeah, because you're really trailblazing in that department!

Listen, mate. That's the problem. The poor bastard looks like me.

Know what I mean? That's what I'm saying.

The wife goes, shall we have another one? If we have a girl, the risk...

I'm not willing to spin the wheel.

I'm not willing to do that.

A girl that looks like an Asian Rolf Harris - absolutely not, mate.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Is it...

How happy is Romesh out of one million?

LAUGHTER

Is it, what would be a rather worrying nickname

for the parents of your new girlfriend to give you?

Is it, how many free seats on the train

does Jeremy Corbyn count as no free seats?

Is it the new retirement age in Greece?

Is it how many hours in a junior doctor's working week?

-GROANS

-Yeah, right, guys. I went there.

Is it, how many dick pics I get sent

every time this show goes out to air?

-ROB:

-Sorry.

Is it the number of voters in the referendum that actually

fully understood the ramifications of what they were voting for?

-LAUGHTER

-Yes! True dat, Rom!

True dat!

Is it, how many summers must pass

before you reach the sell-by date of a Peperami?

If each member of Jedward had 132 sweets,

how many people in the country remember who Jedward are?

Anyone have the correct answer, please?

Across the whole series, how many points am I ahead?

Because I think you'll find it is.

Anyone have the actual correct answer?

It's how many Paralympic athletes are there in the GB team?

-Absolutely right.

-Thank you very much.

-Very quickly...

-Go on.

-265.

Now, when you count that point.

I thought you meant somebody else has just acquired a disability!

And then wheeled away.

Whoosh! And suddenly you're wearing a Team GB outfit.

-Wheel and dive.

-See you in Rio!

Yes, the question I was looking for was - how many athletes

is Team GB fielding at this year's Paralympic Games in Rio de Janeiro?

264 Paralympic athletes

will represent Great Britain and Northern Ireland across 19 events.

The competition starts on Wednesday and runs until 18 September.

However, what hazards might the athletes face in Rio?

Things are very difficult for the Paralympians in Rio,

because there are unfinished...

There are holes in the ground

and uncovered wires and ramps and bridges that are not finished.

But things are not any better for Paralympians here.

I'm looking forward to the British Paralympian medallists

coming back to a hero's welcome and lots of media coverage

and the government telling them that, you know,

perfectly good for work and they're having all their benefits cancelled.

-It's going to happen.

-Are they not selling tickets, either?

Well, it's beginning to turn around now, but...

Tickets were £2.30, some tickets.

They slashed the prices.

If you don't want to pay £2.30 to watch two geezers in wheelchairs

have a sword fight, I don't know what's wrong with you!

Sounds quality. I loved it when it was in London.

How did you enjoy the Summer Olympics?

It was a mixed bag, wasn't it,

because I went there one day and in the morning,

I got mugged and hit over the head with something and double vision,

but in the afternoon, I saw some of the best synchronised swimming I've ever seen...

LAUGHTER

Immaculate, wasn't it? It really was.

I ended up watching a lot of beach volleyball.

I love the beach volleyball.

-Not for the obvious...

-TIFF:

-Really?!

Yeah, no, not for the obvious reason.

The reason I love it, is because after every point,

whether they win or lose,

whether it's good or bad, they hug each other.

Everyone hugs after every single point.

It's almost like they just really want to hug each other

and the sport is completely incidental.

-Do you want Romesh to give you a hug when you get something right?

-Yes.

Yeah, right.

Why was Hiroki Ogita one of the heroes of the Games?

Is this the guy that... he knocked his pole-vault off?

He was a pole-vaulter, a Japanese pole-vaulter. Yes.

So he did a jump...

-A vault.

-And he sort of pretty much clears it.

He is pretty much over, yeah.

But he does knock it down and at first you think, well,

what's happened there? And the slow motion shows, actually,

it was his penis that knocked the bar.

Heavy bell.

That is not the most vivid angle.

We're not allowed to show you the most vivid angle.

-For legal reasons... ROB:

-Really?

-Yeah, they wouldn't give the rights to show it.

-What?

-I think the...

-Has his penis got an agent?

That is...that is classic cock-blocking.

It is.

AS AGENT: You want to use my client's cock? You want to use my client's cock? You pay!

You pay big for...

Hiroki's penis does not go on your show

until you sign on the dotted line.

I'm going to make this cock the biggest cock in the world!

I've represented some of the biggest penises in this country.

That's a pretty victorious return home for a loser,

them going, "Why didn't you win a gold medal?

And he just went, "My dick is too big!"

With this thing? With this monster?

In other news, who is making a surprise appearance on Strictly?

Ed Balls.

Ed Balls is. Yes, he is.

It's not a surprise.

Because he did announce it a month ago.

I don't know why...the words was in and I just read it.

It's a bit of a "fuck you, San Diego" moment.

Shall we do it again without that word in it?

Speaking of Labour, who is making an appearance

in the current series of Strictly?

It's quite a surprise, it was Ed Balls!

LAUGHTER Yes, it was.

Yeah. In a blue tuxedo, as well.

-Who else is getting a blue tuxedo?

-You!

Yes, I was buying myself a blue tuxedo recently

and I'd paid the money for it

and I see Ed Balls ruining blue tuxedos for ever.

When would you wear a blue tuxedo?

For events when we have to wear tuxedos.

Isn't that all black... That's black-tie, then.

-Yeah, the ties are black but the tuxedo is blue.

-Oh, OK.

A lot of politicians are good at dancing, although Desmond Tutu

wasn't wearing what I thought he was going to be.

-Would you do Strictly?

-I wouldn't,

because I've got a dodgy knee anyway.

-So I couldn't do it.

-I got asked to do Splash.

-That is a lot easier. TIFF:

-I can see that.

Oh, God, I couldn't think of anything worse!

But you shouldn't slag off reality shows and stuff like that

cos you're only ever four Eastern European rent boys

away from doing one, aren't you?

That footage of him on Strictly was so embarrassing, I'm surprised

he didn't pretend to be a washing machine salesman called Jim.

Yeah, he said it was a midlife crisis, didn't he?

But looking at the state of him in that photo,

I think midlife is a bit optimistic, isn't it?

In that photo, basically that suit was actually sequinned,

but he breathed out, and then...

Apparently, his Native American name is Dances With Difficulty.

OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Rob, Tiff and Ed.

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.

So if everybody could make their way over to the performance area...

I will read out this week's topics

and we will see what our panellists can come up with.

OK, here we go.

The first subject is...

These dots, these dashes, what do they mean, Inspector?

Morse?

LAUGHTER

Look, I'm sorry, Poirot, but Brexit means Brexit, so...

Welcome to Midsomer, Officer Patel.

On entering the house, we found a feline jammed into a Xerox machine.

We think it was a copycat crime.

Welcome to Baker Street, madam.

It seems you came from Sevenoaks via Waterloo

and you bought those shoes at Selfridge's.

And you're here because you fear someone is...

stalking you.

Sarge, I've searched all his pockets

and there's no sign of the stolen butt plug.

Blood, skin, fragments of bone.

Why did I order the sausages?

And according to the coroner's report,

he had his head removed and a wedge of lime shoved down his neck.

Sorry, that's the Corona's report.

You're arresting me for playing chess in the road?

It's because I'm black, isn't it?

Oh, it's elementary, is it, you sarky prick?!

I think going undercover at the strip joint is a good idea.

But is it really your thing, Miss Marple?

There is some semen at the crime scene.

What can I say - I love forensics!

Well, I tell you what, Watson.

How about this week you solve the crime

and I'll ask all the stupid fucking questions!

This week on The Bill, an unlikely suspect -

someone who can act!

The bloods have come back from the lab

but the crips are held up in traffic.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Mrs Trump.

Now, firstly, can you think of anyone

who didn't have a motive to do this?

These are his movements just before he was killed.

You!

OK, the next topic is...

And that's a world record from Usain Bolt - 9.5!

In one night!

Let's see what's happening in the velodrome...

Yes, cycling.

Oh, you won a gold? Well done. What in?

Canoeing? Oh, get a life, mate!

I've just come out of the diving pool.

Look at the colour of my legs.

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

Look at that masterful control of his javelin!

He really is the best streaker we've had all year.

Well, this is the pommel horse, and that plaintive neighing

is the horse that they are pommelling.

Time for the next fight, now.

He floats like a butterfly, sting like a bee.

He's got a black belt, he's got five black belts...

OK, he's a wasp.

And if you'd like to enjoy our coverage of the dressage,

we recommend MDMA.

And his penis has slapped the top of the bar.

That is a straight ban from Wetherspoons.

The allegations of drug use have been strenuously denied by

the new Russian minister for doping,

Keith Vaz.

We were afraid the Chinese were going to use doping.

And here she is, what a fantastic athlete...

Do Ping.

Breaking news - Ryan Lochte has tested positive for being a twat.

And Oscar Pistorius has jumped the gun, and for that,

he'll only get six years.

Well, a nearly perfect execution there, but not quite as perfect

as the one he'll receive when he returns to North Korea.

You join me live at the horse dancing.

Fucking state of it.

At the end of that, the point go to Romesh, Hugh and Milton!

And that's the end of the show.

This week's winners are Romesh Ranganathan, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.

CHEERING

Commiserations to Ed Gamble, Tiff Stevenson and Rob Beckett!

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain.

Goodnight.

# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

# Read all about it

# Read all about it

# News of the world

# News of the world. #