Episode 8 Mock the Week


Episode 8

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Transcript


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# Read about the things that happen

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# Throughout the world

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# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

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# Read all about it Read all about it

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# News of the world News of the world... #

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING # Read all about it!

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# Read all about it!

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# News of the world News of the world. #

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This programme contains some strong language.

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Hello, welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.

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Joining me this week are Ivo Graham, Ed Byrne and Romesh Ranganathan,

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Angela Barnes, Hugh Dennis and Ed Gamble.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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We start with a round called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

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On the board are six categories. Ivo, which category would you like?

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-I would like Home News, please, Dara.

-Lovely!

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Home News it is. The answer is "1 year". What is the question?

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"What would be an appropriate prison sentence

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"for people who use the phrase 'hollybubs'"?

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LAUGHTER

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Not the answer, but I'll take it.

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Is it, er, how long the BBC have left now they've lost Bake Off?

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And the clock is already ticking! Yeah, yeah.

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Is it, "In a Wetherspoons kitchen,

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"what is the chef's equivalent of the five-second rule"?

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HUGH LAUGHS

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Is it, er, Southern Rail's estimate for a London to Brighton journey?

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APPLAUSE

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Do people kiss goodbye to their children at

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a Southern Rail station and go, "You look after your mum"?

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Is it, "How long does it take to earn 100 quid

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"if you work at Sports Direct"?

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"How long does it take a YouTube clip to buffer at my parents' house?!"

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Is it, "How long would Charles Manson have gotten in prison

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"if he'd been a promising swimmer"?

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GASPS AND LAUGHTER

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-Yeah! A bit of truth!

-A bit of politics there.

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Er, "How long does Jeremy Hunt want junior doctors to work per week"?

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APPLAUSE

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OK, so, under Theresa May's education reforms,

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"How much of a carefree childhood will children now be allowed?"

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Is it, "How long would it take to re-watch

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"all of Dara's TV appearances from the last month"?

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-Dara, you're doing well, mate!

-Thank you very much.

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You're doing well for yourself!

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"If I make a joke about Isis in the queue,

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"how long will it take me to get through airport security?"

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OK, does anyone have the correct answer?

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I think, "How long has Jeremy Corbyn been leader of the Labour Party?"

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It is indeed, thank you very much, Hugh Dennis, well done.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Yes, the question we were looking for was,

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"For how long has Jeremy Corbyn been the leader of the Labour Party?"

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And will he stay as leader of the Labour Party?

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He's not had a very successful year, has he, really?

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He moves forward with all the dynamism,

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energy and impetus of a canal boat.

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But his followers really, really, really, really believe in him,

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to the extent that, at the party conference,

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they told the caterers just to provide loaves and fishes.

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Jeremy Corbyn has got the look of a man who can survive six months

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on one Kendal Mint Cake.

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They always say that,

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"But look, tens of thousands of Corbyn fans took to the streets!"

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It's like, yeah, at a Corbyn rally! It's like going to the Emirates

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and going, "Bloody hell! Look at all these Arsenal fans!"

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-It's...

-LAUGHTER

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The problem is, he's got nice ideas, like, you know, his policies are

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nice and sort of cuddly and people want to support them, but he's crap

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at actually being a politician, like, if he was a computer game,

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he would be the last character that you would choose.

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Put in terms I understand - what Pokemon is he?

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I would say he's Lickitung.

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-You know, just sort of, like, quite sluggish.

-Yeah.

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I think he's more Magikarp - a flapping fish, you know,

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needs a lot of candy to upgrade.

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I feel like my nightmare has finally come true! It has happened!

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I am sitting here and I do not understand

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what you are talking about!

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And, and, in your nightmare,

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were you dressed as a member of Mumford & Sons?

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APPLAUSE

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-Or...one of the Borrowers?

-Are you throwing shade at my waistcoat?!

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LAUGHTER It's a little rural for you -

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that particular waistcoat - have you come into some land recently?!

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Neither... Neither he or his challenger for the party leadership,

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Owen Smith, would make very good X-Men.

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Corbyn's superpower would be sitting in the corner,

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even though there are seats available.

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And, you know, Owen Smith's superpower would be,

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if he walks into a room, no-one knows who he is.

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Because, Owen Smith, he looks like God's tried to make

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the most boring-looking man he can and, halfway through, he got bored!

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Owen Smith - what example did he give this week

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of his leadership qualities?

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-PANELLISTS LAUGH

-This is amazing, right!

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So, he reckons he pulled his wife at an all-boys school.

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She was one of the few girls there.

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So, therefore, he's got leadership qualities.

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Now, as the only person on the panel who has been a teenage girl...

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-let me tell you right now...

-Don't make assumptions, Angela!

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LAUGHTER

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Little Romena had a great time at school, right?

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As the only one who's been a teenage girl, right,

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there have been many things that have got me into bed, right?

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Someone's mum having a Nissan Micra that he had full use of, you know.

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A haircut, a mix tape! But it's never been...

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No teenage girl has ever written in their diary,

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"I really like Dave's leadership qualities." Never!

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I reckon what he did was he just copped off with her first and then

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no-one else wanted to catch Owen Smith's "lack of charisma-itis".

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Speaking of school, what does Theresa May plan for schools in England?

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She's going to abolish the Defence Against The Dark Arts.

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APPLAUSE

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-She wants to bring back grammar schools, doesn't she?

-Yes!

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She wants to bring back the Sorting Hat!

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DARA LAUGHS

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Stop with the Harry Potter!

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You just had a conversation about Pokemon!

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Yeah, but I know a tiny bit about Pokemon! I know nothing...

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I'm going, "Ha-ha, ha-ha!" to his joke!

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But your one appeared and then, I went, "Er, no, too much."

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LAUGHTER

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-What do you think the Sorting Hat is, Dara?

-Well, I suspect...

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I suspect they put names into a hat and they pick them from it!

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Oh, how wrong...? How wrong it is!

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There's nothing magical about a raffle!

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Did you learn nothing in all your time as a house elf?!

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APPLAUSE

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Was it a large plot of land you inherited?

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LAUGHTER

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-I went to grammar school.

-Did you?

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I went to an all-girls grammar school and I'm sort of conflicted,

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cos the lefty in me is pretty much against the grammar school system,

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but it kind of worked for me, you know.

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On the one side, it was, you know, people weren't ashamed of academic

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achievement, it meant you could... But on the other side, you know,

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-there was no cock, so you know...

-LAUGHTER

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It's, um, it's very, very divisive and, generally,

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people who didn't go to grammar schools say there should be

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less grammar schools, not more, and people who did go to

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grammar school say, "No, no, there should be FEWER grammar schools."

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APPLAUSE

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You know, I think those children should be together.

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When I was at school, it was nice, if you were struggling,

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it was nice to see, like, a thicker kid struggling more than you.

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-For your sort of...for your sort of self-esteem.

-Good for you, yeah!

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You sort of think, "God, this is hard, but you know,

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"he's not even got his pen the right way round."

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-You know!

-Exactly!

-Yeah, you can have too much competition.

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You're denying every child the benefit and right

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-of having a stupid friend.

-Yeah.

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Like, I wouldn't be where I am today if I didn't have John Ashmore,

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who once ate a bee cos we told him it was honey flavoured.

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HUGE LAUGHTER

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Listen, I entirely agree with just having a friend

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who's just there for you to, er... LAUGHTER

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-The, er...

-You see, cos in Ireland,

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we had, not so much with the different school,

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-we had streaming within schools...

-Within the schools.

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..which is where you have the clever kids would go into this class

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and the stupid kids were thrown in a stream.

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The stream ran into the forest, so they had everything they needed!

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-And it appeased the goblins who lived in the forest...

-Absolutely!

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-..and ate the stupid children.

-Yes!

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-Did you have...?

-Apart from the few that escaped and joined boybands!

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Yeah! LAUGHTER

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Um, I think, whatever we think of it all, it's going to happen,

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because Michael Gove has come out in support of it.

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-Do we not agree with that?

-Michael "gets things done" Gove?

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Michael "gets things done" Gove is back, getting the campaign

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loads of publicity, totally discrediting the experts,

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pushing it through, winning the campaign, knifing all the opponents

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and then knifing himself for good measure - yes, please!

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Welcome to grammar schools!

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APPLAUSE

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I was a teacher.

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When we had, like, top-achieving kids, I didn't bother, you know...

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If they finished their work, I don't go, "Have something more difficult,"

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I just go, "Continue and remain quiet and I'll deal

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"with the other pricks that can't do any of this.

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"If anything, your proximity to me will damage your grade potentially!"

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Comedy's gain really was teaching's loss, wasn't it?

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What is the latest thing that schoolchildren have to worry about?

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Is it Romesh going back to teaching?

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LAUGHTER

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-It's nits.

-It's nits! It's super nits!

-Yeah!

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I'll tell you why they've got too many nits. It's cos they're all

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sharing the same hat to decide which house they go into.

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APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

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I feel bad about not knowing this, except it is from a children's book!

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Oh, it's about 40 pages into book one! Knock yourself out!

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I'm not going deep on Order Of The Phoenix here!

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Whereas something like Robot Wars is really adult, isn't it?

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-And that's, er...

-I am not... LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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The, er... So, anyway, nits - why?

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Apparently, they're quite resistant to, you know,

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-the shampoos that used to kill them, in our day.

-Back in the day.

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-Although I don't think even you had to worry yourself...

-I had...

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I had lovely, lustrous hair!

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I was walking around like a housing estate for the nits, me!

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Now you're walking around like a country estate!

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There's too many burns coming across me. I'm getting singed!

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I think people need to adjust their thinking when it comes to nits

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and just don't think of them as something you need to kill.

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Think of them like pets, can't you?

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You know, if a kid comes home from school with the guinea pig,

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you don't go, "Agh! Kill it!

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"Oh, it's resistant to this particular tennis racket!" No!

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You go, "Oh, look, guinea pig!"

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So, the same with nits, you go, "No, look, it's great!

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"That's not an infestation, that's a flea circus!"

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Yeah, but the difference is, the guinea pig is in a tank,

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it's not hiding up your arse!

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The nits are a parasite that are actually on your system!

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-You can't go, "Oh, we're having a little fun here!"

-Yeah!

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And then it makes you scratch, makes you look thoughtful!

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I wasn't allowed pets! I would have loved it when I was little.

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The best I could do was, I got a fly, right, dumped it in some water,

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ripped out one of my hairs, tied it to the fly and, when it dried out,

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I had a fly on a lead. That was my pet!

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And she went to a grammar school!

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APPLAUSE

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At the end of that round, the points go to Romesh, Ed and Ivo!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Now, we play a round called Bake Off Has Mocked Off!

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Er... LAUGHTER

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This game involves Ivo Graham and Ed Gamble,

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so, if you could make your way to the performance area, please.

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This round is a stand-up challenge.

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I launch the Wheel Of News and, wherever it chooses to stop,

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one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.

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OK, here we go. Let's spin the wheel, please.

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And the topic is Technology. Ivo?

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I think, er...

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I think our generation were a bit of the crossover generation

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when it came to modern technology, so, for example,

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I had access to computers as a teenager at my school,

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but not proper video games, so the video games that I played as

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a teenager were the ones that came free with the computers.

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Whoa! Let me tell you,

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what a rock and roll mid-Noughties existence that was!

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Those long afternoons on my own spent playing Minesweeper!

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Playing pinball! And trying to scroll down

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all the way to the bottom of Microsoft Excel!

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Not strictly a video game!

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But when you're lonely enough, still feels like an achievement!

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And I'm proud to stand here now and boast in front of you all

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that I've completed Excel and lived to tell the tale.

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I've gone where few mortals dare to tread, all the way down,

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all the way right.

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Written my name in that bottom right-hand Excel cell.

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I won't tell you what that cell is called. It would blow your minds!

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I spent a joyous moment just hovering over control P...

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and just imagining the carnage.

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-LAUGHTER

-Did I have the balls?!

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The sheer granite testes

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to print off the entirety of Excel on the school paper supply?

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I didn't in the end, but the thought experiment was enough alone.

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Then, in my last year, we had a games console.

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Our first group video game - Mario Kart!

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If you're not familiar with it,

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it's the greatest video game and thing of all time!

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I've since tried intercourse, still prefer Mario Kart.

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HUGE LAUGHTER

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On Mario Kart, you're actively encouraged to finish first.

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And, if you do, there's no shame!

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APPLAUSE

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Well done, Ivo Graham!

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OK, that leaves us with Ed.

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Let's see what you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel.

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And the topic is relationships. Away you go.

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I am in a serious relationship - that's what she makes me say.

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Serious.

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"I'm in a serious relationship. This is my partner."

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Sounds like you're in a law firm, is what it sounds like.

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Serious relationship? Sounds like a disease!

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"How's your relationship?" "I'm sorry to say it's serious."

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I'm not in a serious relationship! I'm in a silly relationship.

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You tell me if you think this sounds like a serious relationship.

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The other day, me and my girlfriend were having a discussion

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about The Beatles. At some point during that discussion,

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she forgot George Harrison's name.

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Now, she previously knew George Harrison's name,

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but her brain did something to her that all of our brains do to us

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now and again - it just deleted a fact for no reason.

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And it panics you when that happens.

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You think, "Am I going mad? Am I going senile?" You go on

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a spiral of panic and worry, and I could see she was worried!

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And any good boyfriend in that situation would have told her

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George Harrison's name and I am a good boyfriend.

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But I am a better comedian.

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LAUGHTER

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So what I chose to do in that situation was write down every guess

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that she took at George Harrison's name.

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I have memorised them...and I'm now going to recite them to you,

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the good people of Mock The Week.

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Here we go. Guess number one - John, Paul, Ringo...

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-John! There it is!

-LAUGHTER

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She thought there might've been two Johns in The Beatles.

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Maybe The Beatles were a double John band!

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And as if we'd remember them in that order.

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We wouldn't go John, Paul, Ringo, John!

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We wouldn't bookend it with Johns!

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It would be John, John, Paul, Ringo, Paul, Ringo, John, John, or Paul, Ringo and the Johns.

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APPLAUSE

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She knew that was wrong immediately. I squawked in her face!

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Guess number two - John, Paul, Ringo...

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Joseph! "Hello, Joseph! What are you doing in there?

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"I didn't realise The Beatles were a nativity-themed band!"

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Three guys with '60s hairdos,

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one child with a tea towel tied to his head!

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Again, she knew it was wrong. I was on the floor already.

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Then her brain gave her a little free pass, gave her a clue,

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gave her the surname. Thank you, brain! John, Paul, Ringo...

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Tony Harrison!

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Oh, Tony, you're not part of this conversation!

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Please remove yourself from the vicinity immediately!

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I said, "You're half right! You're half right!"

0:16:030:16:06

I promise you, her next guess was Harrison Ford!

0:16:060:16:09

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:16:090:16:11

-Thank you very much!

-Bravo. Very good!

0:16:110:16:14

At the end of that round, the points go to Ed Gamble.

0:16:140:16:17

APPLAUSE

0:16:170:16:18

The next round is called Picture Of The Week.

0:16:210:16:24

I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening.

0:16:240:16:27

So, what's going on here?

0:16:270:16:29

Oh, is this a picture of what Donald Trump refers to as "Patient Zero"?

0:16:290:16:34

Er, worst Stevie Wonder tribute ever?

0:16:360:16:39

"Peter Stringfellow emerges from another cracking night at Angels."

0:16:420:16:45

Hands up if you made a bracelet out of some spare handbag chain.

0:16:470:16:51

By the reflection in her glasses,

0:16:540:16:57

she appears to be looking at a tornado of some sort as well.

0:16:570:17:00

She's trying to prove she's not an ageing candidate,

0:17:030:17:05

but she's left her napkin tucked in from dinner.

0:17:050:17:08

Yeah, that soup gets everywhere, doesn't it?

0:17:120:17:14

Cos people have been saying she's using a body double, haven't they?

0:17:140:17:18

And I think, well, it's nice to see Judy Finnigan back in work.

0:17:180:17:20

-I think the answer you're after...

-Yes, Hugh, what is that?

0:17:230:17:25

That is Hillary Clinton.

0:17:250:17:28

LAUGHTER

0:17:280:17:29

Thank you very much, Hugh, yes.

0:17:290:17:31

APPLAUSE

0:17:310:17:33

-She's...she's mocking Donald Trump with her normal-sized fingers.

-Yes!

0:17:330:17:40

-"Look at these!"

-Yes, this is a picture of

0:17:400:17:42

US Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton in New York,

0:17:420:17:45

where she was taken ill this week after being diagnosed with pneumonia.

0:17:450:17:48

Is this, like, um, a huge bump in the road for her?

0:17:480:17:52

Well, yes, cos people will say,

0:17:520:17:53

"Oh, no! She's got a cough, let's elect a racist instead!"

0:17:530:17:57

Because he's done many things, but he hasn't coughed recently.

0:17:590:18:02

Yeah! It's this idea, even if she is...

0:18:020:18:04

even if she's dying, even if she's DEAD...

0:18:040:18:08

you are better off electing her!

0:18:080:18:10

I have pulled stuff out of my shower drain

0:18:100:18:14

that would be a better president than Donald Trump...

0:18:140:18:17

-APPLAUSE

-..and would look better...

0:18:170:18:20

-CHEERING

-..than his stupid head!

0:18:200:18:22

I think it's very shrewd of her to get a disease

0:18:250:18:28

that Trump supporters definitely can't spell.

0:18:280:18:31

He's furiously looking through N in the medical dictionary!

0:18:330:18:36

"Maybe there's a K in front of it!" LAUGHTER

0:18:360:18:39

Trump's got to be careful, like, you know,

0:18:390:18:42

just keep going on about her health all the time, look at him!

0:18:420:18:45

Right, if a heart attack was a person,

0:18:450:18:47

it would look like Donald Trump.

0:18:470:18:49

And that's the problem, cos you've got older candidates.

0:18:490:18:51

-I think she's 68.

-Yeah.

-He's 70.

0:18:510:18:54

Not like in England, obviously. Cameron can get in, he can rip

0:18:540:18:56

the country in half for the sake of a power play and - boom! -

0:18:560:18:59

he's back on the after-dinner circuit before he hits 50. Nice!

0:18:590:19:02

What are the claims that have been made about Hillary's health?

0:19:020:19:05

-That they're using a body double.

-Yes, exactly.

0:19:050:19:07

-That she's too weak.

-That it's not actually Hillary.

0:19:070:19:09

And I think, well, you know, it wouldn't be the first time that

0:19:090:19:12

she's got someone else to do the difficult jobs for her, would it?

0:19:120:19:16

Monica Lewinsky! Yeah.

0:19:160:19:18

-Thank you for the clarity.

-Thank you.

-Mmm!

-Just thought I'd spell that out.

0:19:200:19:23

Yeah, various claims, you know, cos, God love us,

0:19:230:19:26

the internet is full of people who have these theories.

0:19:260:19:29

She's had several strokes, apparently,

0:19:290:19:31

and suffers from seizures, that she wears adult diapers.

0:19:310:19:33

The National Enquirer claimed she'll be dead in six months last September.

0:19:330:19:37

A Republican congressman said she had special needs

0:19:370:19:39

and was mentally impaired.

0:19:390:19:41

Forensic pathologists suggested she has been poisoned, er,

0:19:410:19:45

and that she has multiple sclerosis, Parkinson's, HIV, vascular dementia

0:19:450:19:48

and lupus! Er, these are all claims made about her.

0:19:480:19:51

-All that taken into account, she's looking fucking amazing!

-She is!

0:19:510:19:55

Donald Trump looks like he's using a body double

0:19:570:20:00

and it's inside of him trying to get out.

0:20:000:20:03

Er, what surprise move did David Cameron make this week?

0:20:050:20:09

Well, he's resigned, hasn't he?

0:20:090:20:10

-He has resigned, yeah.

-He's resigned, he's found a facial surgeon,

0:20:100:20:13

he's moving to Paraguay and he's hoping the Remainers never find him.

0:20:130:20:17

But that's the thing about his resignation, they said to him,

0:20:180:20:22

or asked, "Why have you resigned?"

0:20:220:20:23

And he said, "Because I no longer want to be a distraction to Theresa

0:20:230:20:26

"and what she's doing with the Government,"

0:20:260:20:28

but I didn't know you were still operating, mate.

0:20:280:20:31

He's just sort of pretending he... "Theresa? Theresa? Theresa?

0:20:310:20:35

"Theresa? Theresa?

0:20:350:20:37

"Theresa? Theresa?

0:20:370:20:39

"Theresa? THERESA?

0:20:390:20:41

"THERESA?!

0:20:410:20:43

"I don't want to distract you any more!"

0:20:430:20:46

APPLAUSE

0:20:460:20:47

It's like saying, "Oh, I couldn't possibly come to your wedding. It's your special day."

0:20:530:20:57

But he said that, if Brexit won, he'd stay on as Prime Minister.

0:21:000:21:04

-He did.

-And then he didn't!

0:21:040:21:06

And then he said, well, he'd stay on as an MP!

0:21:060:21:09

And then he didn't!

0:21:090:21:11

I'm starting to think politicians can't be trusted!

0:21:110:21:14

He's done exactly what I would do in this situation, cos he did say,

0:21:160:21:19

"I have been thinking about it all summer and I've decided

0:21:190:21:21

"I'm going to stand down." No, you've taken all the holiday pay

0:21:210:21:24

and you've quit on your first day back!

0:21:240:21:26

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:21:260:21:29

And now, the great legacy bullshit starts, with gay marriage.

0:21:330:21:37

"Oh, gay marriage! Don't forget, I did gay marriage. That was mine.

0:21:370:21:39

"Gay marriage! Not food banks, not food banks! Ssh! Food banks!" Er...

0:21:390:21:43

I read an article where they said one of his ups was the Olympics.

0:21:430:21:45

I don't think he can fully take credit for the Olympics!

0:21:450:21:48

That's just a good thing that happened when he was in power.

0:21:480:21:51

He can't go, "Well, of course, Adele's last album,

0:21:510:21:53

"I was there for that."

0:21:530:21:54

APPLAUSE

0:21:560:21:57

In other news, what's going on here?

0:21:590:22:01

Oh, is this the first shots of Channel 4's Bake Off?

0:22:010:22:04

Well, they had to get somebody to do it!

0:22:070:22:09

Um, by the way, any comments we make about Bake Off,

0:22:090:22:11

this is done on a Tuesday, it's all breaking,

0:22:110:22:14

Mel and Sue now are not doing it, who knows who's going to be doing it?

0:22:140:22:17

So we really... It's a situation that we don't know, by Friday,

0:22:170:22:20

but can I just say I'm really excited to be taking over and...

0:22:200:22:24

LAUGHTER

0:22:240:22:26

..I... You know, I think...

0:22:260:22:29

Mel and Sue will always be, in my heart,

0:22:290:22:31

the original presenters and the best, but I just think there are other

0:22:310:22:34

directions we'll go in, but they'll always have... Well done, them.

0:22:340:22:37

But anyway, so we're back on Channel 4 next year, boom-boom! OK...

0:22:370:22:40

I find it quite insulting that you've even made a joke

0:22:400:22:43

assuming that you'd take it over,

0:22:430:22:45

when I've actually hosted episodes of the Bake Off!

0:22:450:22:48

LAUGHTER

0:22:480:22:50

I've actually done it!

0:22:500:22:52

-Yeah, for charity. I'd do it for money.

-Yeah!

0:22:520:22:55

APPLAUSE

0:22:560:22:58

Er, so anyway... Sorry, this picture, please.

0:23:000:23:03

Is it, um, Michael McIntyre meets his new PR team?

0:23:030:23:06

DARA LAUGHS

0:23:070:23:10

"We washed four of these uniforms in normal washing powder

0:23:100:23:13

"and one in brand-new Daz!"

0:23:130:23:15

What has Kim Jong-un banned in North Korea?

0:23:170:23:19

I would guess, looking at that, spaghetti bolognese.

0:23:190:23:22

APPLAUSE

0:23:240:23:27

At the end of that round, the points go to Angela, Hugh and Ed!

0:23:270:23:30

Now, we come to Scenes We'd Like To See, so, if everyone can make their

0:23:360:23:39

way over to the performance area, I'll read out this week's topics

0:23:390:23:42

and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

0:23:420:23:44

OK, here we go, the first subject is...

0:23:440:23:47

Unlikely Lines From A Children's Book.

0:23:470:23:50

"Mr Stubborn wouldn't leave.

0:23:530:23:55

"He was the elected leader of the Labour Party."

0:23:550:23:57

BUZZ!

0:23:590:24:00

"I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow you, Keith Vaz!"

0:24:010:24:04

BUZZ!

0:24:070:24:08

"As Noddy looked at his new friends,

0:24:090:24:11

"Rampant Rabbit and Linda The Love Egg,

0:24:110:24:13

"he realised he was in a very different kind of Toytown."

0:24:130:24:17

BUZZ!

0:24:180:24:20

"And all the animals of Buttercup Farm celebrated,

0:24:200:24:22

"cos Percy Pig was going to the slaughterhouse

0:24:220:24:25

"and they never had to listen to that whiny little bastard again!"

0:24:250:24:27

APPLAUSE

0:24:270:24:29

BUZZ!

0:24:290:24:31

"And the beautiful woman was cursed to sleep for 100 years."

0:24:310:24:35

"And that's your defence, is it, Mr Cosby?"

0:24:350:24:38

GASPS AND SOME BOOS

0:24:380:24:41

BUZZ!

0:24:410:24:42

She didn't do it! Don't boo her! LAUGHTER

0:24:420:24:45

" 'I'm Paddington Bear from Peru,' said Paddington.

0:24:460:24:49

" 'And if you show me where the toilet is,

0:24:490:24:51

" 'I'll poo out this condom of cocaine.' "

0:24:510:24:54

APPLAUSE, BUZZ!

0:24:560:24:58

"It's the absolutely horrific follow-up to 'Netflix and chill' -

0:25:000:25:04

"Swallows And Amazons."

0:25:040:25:06

LAUGHTER AND GASPS

0:25:060:25:08

BUZZ!

0:25:080:25:09

"And was there a happy ending?

0:25:100:25:12

"Well, the Prince did love massage parlours."

0:25:120:25:15

BUZZ!

0:25:160:25:17

" 'I will never tell you my name!

0:25:170:25:19

" 'You will have to guess my name,' said Rumpelstiltskin,

0:25:190:25:22

"really holding up the queue at Starbucks."

0:25:220:25:25

BUZZ!

0:25:250:25:27

"From under the bridge came the voice of the troll.

0:25:280:25:30

" 'Wah! Women can't be Ghostbusters!' Send! "

0:25:300:25:34

APPLAUSE

0:25:340:25:36

"Every day, Jack and Jill have to walk up a hill

0:25:380:25:42

"to fetch just one pail of water.

0:25:420:25:44

"But for just £5 a month..."

0:25:440:25:46

BUZZ!

0:25:480:25:49

" 'Oh! It wasn't a giant peach after all,' thought James,

0:25:500:25:54

"as he watched the Big Friendly Giant put on his swimming trunks."

0:25:540:25:58

APPLAUSE

0:26:000:26:01

BUZZ!

0:26:010:26:03

"He pushed aside the clothes, and there, at the back of the wardrobe,

0:26:030:26:07

"found a magical land of nipple clamps and lube!"

0:26:070:26:10

BUZZ!

0:26:130:26:14

"There's an Indian in the cupboard! I think he's hiding from Ukip!"

0:26:160:26:20

BUZZ!

0:26:210:26:22

-Oh, well, come on...

-LAUGHTER

0:26:220:26:24

"I've been in this cupboard for bloody ages!"

0:26:260:26:29

HUGE LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

0:26:290:26:31

BUZZ!

0:26:310:26:32

OK, the next topic is...

0:26:320:26:34

"You've already used your 50-50 to narrow down the options

0:26:380:26:41

"to A - In or B - Out.

0:26:410:26:43

"Mr Cameron, are you sure you want to ask the audience?"

0:26:430:26:47

APPLAUSE, BUZZ!

0:26:480:26:50

"Well, in that round on sexually transmitted diseases,

0:26:520:26:55

"you passed on four..."

0:26:550:26:57

BUZZ!

0:26:590:27:00

APPLAUSE

0:27:000:27:01

"We asked you for things that start with an E.

0:27:030:27:05

"You said, 'A great night out with the lads!'"

0:27:050:27:08

BUZZ!

0:27:090:27:12

"Welcome to Britain's only quiz about birds of prey.

0:27:120:27:15

"Fingers on buzzards, please."

0:27:150:27:17

BUZZ!

0:27:190:27:20

"Here at The Chase, we just want to reiterate that our Chaser's

0:27:220:27:25

"not called The Dark Destroyer for any ethnic reasons.

0:27:250:27:28

"Now, please could you welcome our new Chaser,

0:27:280:27:30

"Raj 'The Head Wobbler' Patel!"

0:27:300:27:33

APPLAUSE, BUZZ

0:27:330:27:34

"So, the final round on OAP Quiz is Sudden Death.

0:27:360:27:40

"BOO!"

0:27:400:27:43

BUZZ!

0:27:430:27:44

"Welcome to Eggheads.

0:27:440:27:47

"Well, we couldn't call it Smug Pricks, could we?"

0:27:470:27:50

BUZZ!

0:27:500:27:51

"Welcome to Tipping Point,

0:27:540:27:55

"for people who are too thick to follow The Chase."

0:27:550:27:59

BUZZ!

0:27:590:28:00

"Name?" "Keith Vaz. I mean Jim!"

0:28:020:28:04

"Occupation?" "MP. I mean washing machine salesman!"

0:28:060:28:09

BUZZ!

0:28:090:28:10

"I'm afraid we're going to have to take your first answer,

0:28:130:28:16

"so let's see if the capital of Azerbaijan is 'Fucked If I Know'!"

0:28:160:28:20

BUZZ!

0:28:230:28:24

"Is that your final answer?

0:28:270:28:28

"I'll marry someone else, then."

0:28:300:28:32

BUZZ!

0:28:340:28:35

"Well, at the end of this week's episode of University Challenge,

0:28:390:28:42

"the scores are Durham 170, Exeter 145, but of course,

0:28:420:28:45

"the real winner is Ivo's dad Hugh at home, who got two questions right

0:28:450:28:50

"and is going to bang on about it for the rest of the bloody week!"

0:28:500:28:53

APPLAUSE

0:28:530:28:55

"Well, we've given the contestants their meth

0:28:570:28:59

"and sent them to Hampton Court. Welcome to The Crystal Maze!"

0:28:590:29:02

BUZZ!

0:29:040:29:05

"My chosen specialised subject? Er, your wife. Yeah, you heard me."

0:29:070:29:11

BUZZ!

0:29:130:29:14

"I've started so I'll...finish."

0:29:170:29:19

BUZZ!

0:29:210:29:22

"Well, that was the banker and he says he thinks you're going

0:29:250:29:28

"to accept this deal, because in his box is your wife."

0:29:280:29:31

BUZZ!

0:29:330:29:35

"Well, today, it's Kelly Brook and Joey Essex

0:29:350:29:37

"versus Stephens Hawking and Fry.

0:29:370:29:40

"This is Fucking Pointless!"

0:29:400:29:42

HUGE LAUGHTER

0:29:420:29:45

At the end of that round, the points go to Romesh, Ed and Ivo!

0:29:470:29:51

APPLAUSE

0:29:510:29:53

And that's the end of the show.

0:29:570:29:59

This week's winners are Ivo Graham, Ed Byrne and Romesh Ranganathan!

0:29:590:30:03

CHEERING

0:30:030:30:04

Commiserations to Angela Barnes, Hugh Dennis and Ed Gamble!

0:30:060:30:11

CHEERING

0:30:110:30:13

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.

0:30:130:30:16

APPLAUSE

0:30:160:30:18

# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

0:30:190:30:24

# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

0:30:250:30:29

# Read all about it Read all about it

0:30:310:30:36

# News of the world News of the world. #

0:30:360:30:39

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