Episode 10 Mock the Week

This programme contains some strong language

# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

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Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.

I'm Dara O Briain. Joining me this week are Josh Widdicombe,

Zoe Lyons and Nish Kumar.

Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.

CHEERING

We start with a round called Picture Of The Week.

I show the panel a topical image

and ask them to tell me what's happening. So, what's going on here?

Is it the only couple that Ed balls would beat on Strictly?

LAUGHTER

Is he saying, "Please, join me, Owen, on my Cabinet. I'm so lonely."

LAUGHTER

I imagine Jeremy Corbyn is just going, "I did warn you,

"Owen, if you strike me down,

"I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."

Is Corbyn saying, "When I get home,

"I'm going to make a lovely red "tie" curry?"

LAUGHTER

I don't think he's saying anything.

I think he's just looking at him going...

Argh-h-h!

He's asking him, "Will you book my train tickets for me?

"I think I'm on a blacklist."

Channel 4 have decided things couldn't get any worse,

so they've booked these two to present Bake Off.

Is Corbyn saying, "Stay calm, stay calm.

"No need to explode... As I said to the Hezbollah."

No, he saying to him, "I'd give it a few minutes if I was you.

"I've just had another good purge."

Anyone know what it actually is?

-Well, I think we all know what it actually is.

-Yes.

That's journey Corbyn commiserating, sort of,

with Owen Smith after Jeremy Corbyn wins the Labour leadership.

It is, of course. Thank you very much, Hugh. Very good.

Yes, it's the picture of the leader of the

Labour Party, Jeremy Corbyn, and his defeated opponent in the leadership

election Owen Smith at the Labour Party conference this week.

Corbyn was unveiled as leader,

after being re-elected with nearly 62% of the vote.

So, he won it very easily and he did very well,

but at the same time, that may not translate into anything

-in terms of winning a general election.

-No.

I mean, it's not going to translate into having a cabinet either, is it?

A shadow cabinet. He's going to have to do a shadow cabinet like,

you know Macauley Culkin in Home Alone with the shadows?

It's going to be a literal shadow cabinet.

"What was that, mannequin for defence?"

You've got to admire the Labour Party's ability to see the

Conservatives in chaos and respond like this...

"You call that political disarray?

"Sit down, let the professionals show you how it's done.

"We'll see your chaos and raise you a botched coup that involves

"our deputy leader having to be called home early from Glastonbury."

But he is incredible in that he can gather so many people together in

-a rally.

-Absolutely.

-And they see him as a Messiah,

in the same way he probably will be crucified in the next election.

It's some statistic like they're the largest political party in

Europe or something at the moment. The largest amount of members.

I mean, he rode in on a huge wave of success.

It should translate across and yet, I don't mean to attack him,

it feels like winning the technical challenge in Bake Off.

-Oh, stop angling for the job!

-I'm just saying. I'm just saying.

Can I interject here? Can I interject here?

Has anybody on this stage won the technical challenge in Bake Off?

Yes! Yes.

CHEERING

-What did you have to make?

-Lemon meringue pie, bitches!

OK, two things - firstly, you were doing great on,

"I won the technical challenge in Bake Off until you said the words,

-"Lemon meringue pie."

-Bitches!

No! That's just a cake. That's not a technical...

A technical challenge is some 17th-century strudel.

Lemon meringue pie is not an easy technical bake.

In fact, Paul Hollywood even said...

He looked at mine and said, "I bet I'm going to cut right into that.

"And all the meringue is going to pour out of it." Did it?

Did it buggery!

LAUGHTER OK, while you killed my metaphor,

which was actually going to be really nice. Tell us instead...

I didn't mean to kill your metaphor.

I merely meant to point out that I am more qualified

-to wield it than you are, that's all.

-No, no, no. I give you that.

Tell us about your show...

This is actually turning into the Labour Party conference.

Tell us about your show-stopper, Ed. How did that go?

-How did your show-stopper go?

-It didn't go well.

Didn't go well, didn't it?

Carrot cake and it was raw in the middle.

And then you just threw icing at it like you were trying to smother it.

You're slagging, but I like the fact that you watched.

Oh, I watched.

What did Corbyn say about the MPs who has...

He said he had wiped the slate clean.

Probably with their own faces.

He will have them back. There'll be no hard feelings.

He said most would not get deselected.

Which is not the most reassuring way of putting that.

If a doctor says, "We can save most of you."

There is still an element of this hasn't gone well, somehow,

and I'm down a limb or two at the end of this particular interaction.

You can't trust the Labour Party anyway.

At the beginning of conference they always sing the song

We Will Keep The Red Flag Flying.

If they get into power, that means no-one can go swimming.

Is it 600,000 followers?

I think they're members, I don't think they're followers, are they?

-Necessarily.

-I'm sorry.

-That's Christ you're thinking of.

-And I think that's 12, as well.

-Yeah.

-Did you see the book of poetry?

-Yes.

-It was lovely.

-Oh, yeah.

Oh, it was lovely. It was very, very lovely, yes.

Labour supporters released a book of poems for Jeremy Corbyn.

Michael Deacon from the Telegraph tweeted about.

Corbyn isn't even a good word to rhyme with,

unless most of the poems are about dorbyn.

Or get my J cloth, do some absorbing.

They're your two options, really.

If it was Jeremy Hunt, we'd all have

a big laugh and it would be fun.

Let's deal with that now and move on.

Don't you think Corbyn sounds better?

You've got the green bin for glass. And you've got the black bin.

You've got the Cor-bin for recycled old ideas from the 1970s.

APPLAUSE

Typical BBC.

Moving on.

What criticisms has Theresa May faced this week?

She's having to change her name depending on which month we're in.

-She's a submarine.

-Yes, why is she a submarine?

That was her nickname apparently,

an unkind nickname they gave her, because she has a tendency to

disappear under the water when difficult issues come up.

It's, sort of, a kind of a cool nickname as well, though, isn't it?

It's kind of like, "Oh, they chose a nickname for me."

It's really like the nickname you'd pick for yourself.

"They call me the submarine. Ping!"

Disappear under the table.

The joke about submarines is never that they disappear all the time.

It's that they're full of "semen".

It's such a weird...

Isn't it?

Enough. No. Don't, don't.

Don't broadcast that.

Please!

We all saw that one and didn't go for it and he,

the classiest one among us, went for that joke, all right?

-But that's because it's...

-I appeal to your better...

Man in the editing suite, I appeal to your better nature.

Submarines don't disappear, do they?

-That's not what you associate with submarines.

-Well, they don't.

I think they don't, yeah. The pop-up eventually

and you know where they are, right? That's the point of a...

Yes. They're heavily armed and they pop-up unexpectedly.

If that was the case that they were having meetings and then

unexpectedly she'd like, "Hello!" From underneath the desk, "Hello!"

"Argh! Stop doing that!"

"Run silent, run deep."

And then she goes back under the desk again.

Also, nicknames don't always have to be accurate.

When I was at school, my nickname was NK47 and my first e-mail

address was [email protected].

Still active.

You absolute... You're such a loser. Hotmail?

All right, Mr Ask Jeeves.

Why is Sam Allardyce England's greatest manager?

He managed England for one match and he won it,

so he's the only England manager who's ever had a 100% record.

100% winning record. He will be fondly remembered.

Yes, as we all know, Sam Allardyce departed his job after a 100%

record on Tuesday, leaving the FA with mutual consent after an event.

What was the event?

-Has he gone to the event dressed as you, Dara?

-Oh!

That's not meant in a nice way.

LAUGHTER

On the one hand, I feel that's very unfair to pick on somebody for

having a dark jacket and a white shirt,

but the shit I got last time for having a waistcoat - have at him!

This photo of Allardyce was taken by the Telegraph's undercover

journalists.

Could you not have gotten a better photograph of him?

-That one is very grainy.

-That is him at the table.

He's got a pint of wine.

Everyone loves the idea that he went,

"Yeah, I'll have a...just a pint of wine.

"Not too much, because I don't want to speak out of turn perhaps

"for these words to be used against me at some stage,

"but all I ask is that you bring me to a restaurant where I can

"drink a pint of wine and eat the largest Malteser in the world.

"Just leave it slightly, slightly out of reach during the meal.

"I want a Malteser as big as my head.

"And I will finish the meal with that."

England now need a manager that is going to stay, don't they?

As we've been through a few, haven't we, over the years?

We need somebody with staying power and who's popular,

so it is time for Jeremy Corbyn become the England manager.

Don't you think? Bringing the game back to its roots.

Let the members vote. Let the members vote! That's the Corbyn way.

11 left-wingers. The world's worst formation.

At the end of that round, the points go to -

Ed, Hugh and Milton!

CHEERING

Now, we play a round called There's A Labour Party In My Pants

And Everyone's Invited.

This game involves Nish and Milton,

so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.

This round is a stand-up challenge.

I launch the Wheel Of News and wherever it chooses to stop,

one of our performers must step forward and talk about the subject.

OK, here we go. Let's spin the wheel.

And the first topic is Health. He wants to come in on that?

Nish.

I had a bit of a health emergency last year.

I was doing the washing up and I cut my hand.

I was washing up and I pushed my hand into a glass.

The glass shattered and it slashed my hand here

and I had to go to hospital.

Let me tell you this, the NHS staff were incredible.

They were really nice to me, they were really sweet.

One of them called me a brave boy.

-LAUGHTER

-Which is good, cos I was being one,

so I don't know what you're laughing at.

I'm the one with the badge. Anyway.

Before I did that, I did something which I probably regret doing.

I called NHS 111.

Now, if you don't know what this service is,

it's a service the Government has brought in to replace NHS Direct.

If you have a non-life-threatening emergency,

you are supposed to dial 111 on your phones.

Now, I'm sure that these people are very nice,

but based on my experience, they have proportionately less skill

than their numerical value compared to 999.

Because it was the blind leading the blind.

At one point she said, "How is the blood?" And I said, "Red,"

cos I've no idea. Then she said, "Is there a lot of blood?"

I said, "Yes," because there was a lot of blood.

She said, "Is there enough to fill a mug?"

I said, "I've got no idea. I don't wish to brag,

"I've got a lot of different mug sizes in my house."

Also, while this was happening, I was just panicking.

I wasn't decanting the blood in the hope it would be poured back

into my body at a later date.

Then she said, "Is the blood flowing or oozing?"

I said, "I've no idea what the difference is between those two

"things is." And she said, "Oh, there's a difference."

I was like, "I'm not getting into a semantic debate with you

"while blood is gushing out of my hand."

As she just went, "Gushing, thank you very much."

LAUGHTER

Well done, Nish Kumar.

OK, that leaves us with Milton.

Let's see what you've been left with.

And the topic is Transport.

When I was at school, my bike was smashed up.

It was my own fault, really, I just handed out leaflets saying,

"Bullying, let's break the cycle."

LAUGHTER

"We've been over this again and again and again,"

said my driving instructor, pointing to the badger.

Apparently there is actually a road in the north of England

called Quality Street.

There's only one person living in it and he's both Turkish

and delightful.

Tricky, isn't it,

if you're both a moth and a sea captain?

In charge of a ship, but up ahead you see a lighthouse.

LAUGHTER

You know you shouldn't...

Toilets in trains are rubbish, aren't they?

Especially the one right at the front.

The bloke in there gets so cross.

At the end of that round, the points go to Nish Kumar!

Come on back.

Our next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

On the board are six categories.

Nish, which category would you like?

-World News, please.

-OK, World News it is.

The answer is 40 days. What is the question?

Is that the number of consecutive days my mother has texted

me saying, "Have you had a haircut?"

LAUGHTER

How long is it till the next Labour leadership election?

Is it how old was my pet ant when he had his midlife crisis?

LAUGHTER

Is it how long did it take Joey Essex to read

The Hungry Caterpillar?

Is it how long does it take to go, "She loves me, she loves me not,"

round the whole of the Chelsea Flower Show?

Is it once he's elected, how many days will there be in Trump-tember?

LAUGHTER

I got this month. It's a beautiful month.

-It's a really, it's a great man.

-Best month. Best month.

Best month you've ever seen.

It's going to be such a beautiful month. It's going to be great.

Is it how long was I in a hotel room when I put the do disturb sign

on the wrong side of the door?

Is it how long would Jeremy Hunt have to wait for in A&E

before being seen?

Is it if I have a pickled onion Monster Munch,

how long will it be in my burps?

Anyone know what the actual answer is?

Is it when they hacked Hilary's e-mails,

how long did they spend just wading through Bill Clinton's porn stash?

Is it how many days until the American election?

It is, absolutely right. Thank you very much, Nish Kumar.

Classic nerd.

Yes, the question I was looking for is,

how long until the US presidential election?

In a bitter campaign, the two most disliked candidates in 30 years

are vying to become the 45th President of the United States.

This week was the first Presidential debate. Did any of you see it?

-See much of it?

-Not many people watched it here,

but it gets massive figures in America, doesn't it?

Yeah, well, in America,

they don't put it on at two o'clock in the morning.

-See, that's the genius.

-Yes, that's how it works.

That's the old American can-do spirit, you know what I mean?

They are clever at the stuff, the Americans.

-It got 100 million views.

-100 million, 100 million.

Channel 4 have bought the format, cos they're so excited about it.

It was a weird atmosphere, cos it looked like Hillary Clinton was

trying to invoke the great Presidential debates like

Kennedy versus Nixon and Reagan versus Carter,

whereas Donald Trump sort of reminded me of

Batman versus Superman in that he was loud,

incoherent and managed to be disappointing

despite expectations being unbelievably low.

LAUGHTER

He had a terrible problem with the moderator, though, didn't he?

You didn't like the moderator subsequently.

Well, the moderator would say things like,

-"No, that's not true, actually."

-He's got a perfect plan

for dealing with the moderator. At the next debate,

he's going to build a wall between him and the moderator.

And the moderator is paying for the wall.

LAUGHTER

The other mistake that Trump makes is that he's read somewhere that

Mexicans make good fighters, but it's actually pronounced fajitas.

LAUGHTER

-Do you know how often he lied in a 90-minute debate?

-Was is 37 times?

-34 lies.

-Oh, I'm doing him a terrible disservice.

-You are.

You make him sound like he's a big liar!

He lied 34 times. She lied four times in total.

She did the first lie, cos she came out and said,

"It's a pleasure to be here talking to you."

LAUGHTER

Trump clearly has no idea about how the political systems in the

world work, which is why I won't be voting for him.

LAUGHTER

In other news,

what are the latest developments in the Great British Bake Off saga?

Well, seemingly it's going to be hosted by someone who's not

even from Britain, isn't it, Dara?

LAUGHTER

Why...

Why are the crown jewels of this country being handed to immigrants?

LAUGHTER

I looked at the odds. You're both on it, Ed and Dara.

Do you know what I'm betting on? Not even on the list.

Can't believe he's not in the mix. Mr Kipling.

LAUGHTER

He's been for, like, seven years sitting at home with a fag,

saying to his missus, going, "I'd nail this."

I would do this exceedingly well, I would.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

No offense to you, Dara, but I would like Ed to host it,

-because he seems to know a lot about caking and also...

-About caking?

I believe it's caking.

LAUGHTER

-That's the industry term.

-Amongst people who know, that is the term.

LAUGHTER

Caking sounds like an urban slang word for something that sort

of came after dogging or something, didn't it?

Yeah, a Tory MP's been caught caking in Hammersmith.

In a tent, as well!

But also it'll be reassuring because you look like an exact

combination of Mel and Sue.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

That is the best thing.

Apparently, Channel 4 wanted the show because they heard the

BBC had made a massive turnover.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I've got beef with Paul Hollywood because when I was voted the

second worst-dressed man in Britain,

Paul Hollywood was voted number one.

I met Paul Hollywood and he said, "Oh, it's unfair us being the

"top two," and I felt like going, "Well, for me it is.

"You're a mess, mate."

LAUGHTER

Bootcut jeans with the cuffs turn over? Come on, mate. Have a word.

Do you know what they described my style as?

An update on Bilbo Baggins.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

What they've done here, though... They seem to...

If this is the new show,

Mary Berry seems to have been replaced by a double oven.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Like one of those robots from an add for mashed potato and the

door opens.

"What are you doing now, Paul?"

What do you think, Berrytron5000?

LAUGHTER

There's currently an office somewhere in the BBC where

people are just writing down locations and other words for cakes.

"In, er, Mary Berry's Aircraft Hanger of Puddings?"

They're not allowed to do it, though, are they?

There's a thing about how they might not be able to do it,

cos it will infringe copyright and all the rest of it.

How do you pick a copyright?

It's just the cookery principle, isn't it?

They're using the leftovers. It's fine.

The BBC have got to do distinctive programming that's not on

other channels, but what about the news?

I hear that Channel 4 have a show where six people and

a host talk about the news and events and try and make it funny.

Same show! That's disgraceful!

All right, don't blow the gaffe.

And they don't have to be saddled with women and minorities.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Careful.

We're getting a lot of murmuring from token corner over there.

LAUGHTER

OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Nish, Zoe and Josh.

CHEERING

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like to See,

so if everyone could make their way over to the performance area?

I'll read out this week's topics,

then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

OK, here we go.

The first subject is...

Unlikely small ads.

-HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:

-Hello. My name's Ads.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

For sale, one tent. Please contact the BBC.

LAUGHTER

Genuine single man looking for a relationship. Call this number.

If my wife answers, hang up.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Free to good home. Fucking printer.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Phone to hear my talk about how I became obese.

888, 8888.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Rubbish collection services. Yep, we are genuinely shit at it.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

I saw you on the tube.

You were wearing the pink sweater with your hair pulled back.

I had my cock and balls out.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Do you want a hard-working plumber for a reasonable rate?

Then you shouldn't have voted for Brexit.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Learn English on Owner Home. Good examplings. Quick books.

Disbelievable price!

You buy!

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Applications are now open for the Donald Trump school of

talking to women.

Because those bitches are not going to interrupt themselves.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Wanted. The internet.

As I seem to be the only person in the whole bloody world

still using the small ads.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Have you lost a ginger cat?

Check the top of Donald Trump's head.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Phone to hear my talk about my reaction to eating

a South African bishop.

000 00

822.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Respectful middle aged lady would like to meet gentleman for

cosy nights in, country walks, theatre visits,

and occasional eye-popping anal.

APPLAUSE

OK.

Next topic is...

..things you wouldn't hear on a TV cookery show.

Hi.

I'm Nigella Lawson, and before I bake any cake,

I like to chop my flour into lines.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

I can see that's rising nicely...

..it does that every time I think about how much money

Channel 4 are going to pay me.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Hello and welcome to Can't Cook, Won't Cook.

Today we won't be making anything.

LAUGHTER

Goodbye.

BUZZER

Coming up next on Saturday Kitchen,

whatever we want,

because we know you're too hungover to change the channel.

BUZZER

This is a hotpot.

-SCREAMS:

-This is a fucking hot pot!

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

So if you want to bone a chicken, what you need to do,

take it on a couple of dates and then...

..invite it back,

put on some romantic music and let nature take its course.

LAUGHTER BUZZER

-DRUNKENLY:

-There is, er, there is a bit of a problem on this week's Food

and Drink.

I've finished all of it!

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

This is a Thai chicken curry, or as I like to call it,

hot Asian cock.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

OK, Sam. Let's see what you've brought in your bag of ingredients.

It is a pint of wine and a large Malteser.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Right, welcome to Southern Cooking for Northerners. First up - quinoa.

What is it and why it can fuck off.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Well, if you're going to pop it in, don't forget to cover it first.

I didn't, and that's why I'm making paternity payments.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Hello.

I'm Greg Wallace and this series of Masterchef,

we won't be using plates.

We'll just be eating off my shiny, shiny head.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Hello. Nigella Lawson here again.

I'm just going to say the word spatchcock for no reason.

Spatchcock.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Anyone can make this.

You can't, Beatrice.

Sorry, you can't beat rice.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Let's just all go home.

Let's just go home.

Welcome...

Welcome to Great Indian Bake-off.

I'm Paul Bollywood.

LAUGHTER

Hello. I'm Jamie Oliver.

Welcome to my show, stick a bit of fucking sugar in it!

LAUGHTER

OK. At the end of that round, the points go to Nish, Zoe and Josh.

CHEERING

That's the end of the show.

This week's winners are Josh Widdicombe, Zoe Lyons and

Nish Kumar.

CHEERING

Commiserations to Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.

CHEERING

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.