Episode 11 Mock the Week

This programme contains some strong language.

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Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.

I'm Dara O Briain, joining me this week are John Robins,

Sara Pascoe, Rob Beckett, Ed Gamble, Hugh Dennis and James Acaster.

We start with a round called Picture Of The Week.

I show the panel a topical image

and ask them to tell me what's happening.

So, what's going on here?

She presumably is saying to him,

"You had one job, you had just one job.

"Pack my socks."

Is that Bruce Lee and Woody Allen win fancy dress competition?

-Which one's which?

-Who knows? Who knows?

Is he saying, "It was your job to look after the handcuff keys"?

Is it, is this Kim and Kanye enter witness protection?

Could be something much nicer?

Maybe she's saying something like, "See? It's all right if we

"go into work together. No-one will make fun of you.

-"And no-one has made fun of you, have they?"

-Not yet, they haven't.

Well, we've sort of being doing that for about...

It's Bring Your Partner To Work Day and Sara's brought John.

It's something of a historical thing for the show, we've never had...

-..a couple.

-They got together just now.

Obviously, things have smouldered within the show at different times

but genuinely a couple and that's a tension

-which is best out there, I think.

-Yes.

-At this stage, yes.

-I'm glad you all know.

-How long have you been together?

-Three and a half years.

I really hope it lasts cos otherwise, there's going to be

some depressing evenings in a few years' time when you turn on Dave.

This is, hands down, the most brutal way

I've ever been dumped ever, Sara.

Er, OK, the picture?

I don't wish to state the obvious but,

it is Postman Pat and Mrs Goggins getting ready to fuck shit up.

Is this when you buy your wife anal beads

and she mistakes it for a necklace?

Ooh, ooh!

I can't believe so many pearl necklace jokes and yet

you've gone for anal beads.

-Does anyone have the correct answer?

-So, it's Theresa May.

-Yes.

-And it's her husband, Philip.

-Yes.

And so, is this about the Tory Conference?

Absolutely, thank you very much, Sara Pascoe, very good.

Yes!

This exciting picture is of Theresa May and her husband Philip,

looking coquettish and darling,

at the Conservative Conference in Birmingham earlier this week.

The four-day conference was Theresa May's first

as Conservative Leader.

Have we all been watching the Tory Conference this week?

-Nonstop.

-No!

-So, Brexit, when is Brexit going to happen?

-Oh, God.

Ah, now, well, she has said that she's going to trigger Article 50

-by the end of March 2017.

-Yep.

-Why you have to?

-It just means formally notify, trigger, doesn't it?

-Yep.

It's a really dramatic word.

It's like saying, "I'd like a cappuccino, please.

"I have triggered a coffee."

I've just, and I know I've moaned about it before,

but this Brexit thing.

I mean, it just don't stop, does it?

Now, it's like, "Oh, is it going to be a hard Brexit?

"Soft Brexit. Hard..."

It's like watching the world's most boring porno.

But, you know, I think -

cos there's that hard Brexit, soft Brexit debate -

it's not fair. When we were told to vote, it was two options.

-Yeah.

-They should have given us a bunch of them,

do you want hard Brexit or soft Brexit or chewy Brexit?

-A lovely chewy one.

-A dry, chalky Brexit?

-A dry little, a brittle, melt in the mouth Brexit?

-Yeah.

Brexit with pulled pork.

Got to get pulled pork in there somewhere, cos it's on every menu.

They've started pulling chicken. You seen that? Pulled chicken now.

They'll pull anything. It's disgusting.

I'm really, really worried that this is how all the conversations

about Brexit go, even with politicians.

This is actually what they do.

"Is it hard? Or is it soft?

"Is it with a fork, is it?

"We'll talk about it again tomorrow."

Are you worried, Dara, that in order to keep your job here,

you might have to marry one of us?

Way ahead of you, man, way ahead of you.

I naturalised myself many years ago.

I moved among you, you can hardly tell me apart.

From you English.

IN FAKE GERMAN ACCENT: Mit your interesting vays.

Oh, it's slipped, my accent has slipped!

Dummkopf! Dummkopf! You've got to concentrate-en.

What brilliant post-Brexit opportunity

has the Department For International Trade promoted this week?

-Oh, this is the jam.

-It is the jam, yeah.

Because everyone was really worried about everything

and obviously, we look for Twitter for solace.

And then, we all saw an exciting tweet that there is going to be...

If someone can come up with an innovation in jam,

then we can export it and be millionaires.

-Yep.

-That's all we need to do.

Hey, hands up who likes jam on the...? Yeah.

-I'm a big fan of jam.

-Do you not like jam?

-No.

-Oh, no.

-HUGH:

-Oh, hello. Oh, there's a discovery!

Trouble in paradise.

Looks like someone's having fruit cake at the wedding.

Can I just say, the jam thing irritates me, though,

cos the jam thing is that we've been told there's an opportunity

for Britons to sell jam to Europe.

-Yes.

-That's the big opportunity, right?

And all the Twitter comments were, "Ha-ha,

"trying to sell jam to the French.

"All the French provide the...all of that."

They do, but we make really good jam.

We make really, really good jam.

And I hate this thing. I hate this thing, whereby...

Stop doing down the country.

Yeah, whereby everything that comes from France is more sophisticated.

Their jam just comes from a big jam factory near Marseilles.

When I was a kid, we all thought Ski yoghurt

was incredibly sophisticated.

It was made in Swansea.

When you started that, I thought, "Where's he going with this?"

And it's just like, "Oh, he just loves jam."

The last great innovation in jam was washing out the jars

and serving cocktails in them to twats in bars.

French jam is really complicated.

I mean, it's not good for, because, you go to Waitrose...

-Jesus Christ.

-You just want a jar of raspberry jam.

Can you find it? You can find framboise.

What the fuck is that?

I never expected jam to turn you into Nigel Farage.

-Hugh Dennis. Jam fascist.

-What I'm after is the freedom

to boil our own fruit with sugar.

-That's what I'm after.

-Hugh, Hugh?

-Yes.

If you feel this way, you should join the Conserve-ative Party.

Boom!

And that's why I love you.

Who made a typically colourful speech at the conference?

Boris Johnson. Sorry, Hugh, you had your hand up.

No, I was going to say Boris Johnson, but it's fine.

We should have said it at the same time.

Sara, it's normally Hugh's job to do the right answers

-and I just feel like you...

-Someone in the audience just went, "Yeah."

"Yeah, shut up, Pascoe!"

Be as funny as you want, but the right answer, that's Hugh's field.

Honestly, I've got two jobs.

I get the right answer and, on occasion, I talk about jam.

Who made, who made a typically colourful speech at the conference?

-Can I just ask one question?

-Oh, my God.

Genuinely, oh, my God!

Why isn't there...

Why isn't there orange jam?

-Marmalade is...

-No, that's not jam, that's got bits in.

Yeah, I'm happy to move on as well. Er... Who...?

The answer to your question...

And I'll give you a clue, the answer is Boris Johnson. Who...?

-It was Boris Johnson.

-Shut up, I have to ask the question first.

Let Hugh do it, let Hugh do it.

Let's stick to the conventions of normal language.

Who made a typically colourful speech at the conference?

Was it Hugh about jam?

-Dara?

-Yes.

-It was Boris Johnson.

-It was Boris Johnson, of course

it was Boris Johnson. Yeah, it was. And what did he say?

He used he term gloomadon-poppers, right?

-A man who is the Foreign Secretary of this country.

-Yes.

We knew he was a joke man 15 years ago and he was on

Have I Got News For You, and I thought,

"Fine, I like him on Have I Got News For You"

and then he ran for mayor and I thought, "No-one's going to

"elect the Joke Man to be mayor,"

and then he's the mayor twice.

And then, he leads the Leave campaign and you think,

"No, no-one's going to actually vote for economic suicide

"because the Joke Man tells them to."

And they do and then, finally, he's revealed to be the sort of

self-serving little toerag,

Gove stabs him in the back and you think, "Ooh-hoo, it's done!"

Everyone knows the Joke Man is an idiot

and then he's the Foreign Secretary!

And I just have had it up to here.

Is he like this round the house as well, is he?

He always gets jealous of my exes.

You can take the piss out of him as much as you like.

To me, he looks like a bloke that'd like jam.

What has the Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt,

come out against this week?

Health?

He may as well.

Jeremy Hunt's come out against puddings in restaurants

cos he's worried that the obesity crisis is going to destroy the NHS

before he can.

He just needs to halt it in its tracks.

What did he say he would do to restaurants

that serve puddings that were too...?

Is he going to prosecute them or something?

-He was going to name and shame them.

-Oh, really?

Yeah, cos that'll really work.

"See this place? Their cheesecakes are enormous!"

"Boo! Boo! Let's have a look at them."

"Mmmm, Mmmm, boo!" "Yum-yum, yum-yum, boo!"

It's like they're banging on about it - sugar's so bad, sugar's so bad.

"Sugar's so bad, it can affect the growth of your teeth."

Oh, nightmare, please not me! Do you know what I mean?

Don't you think it says quite a lot about the kind of weeks he's been having, though?

Cos on the one hand, he must have woken up on Monday morning and thought,

"I could deal with the junior doctors' strike

"or I could say something about puddings.

"Puddings? Junior doctors? Puddings? I think I'll go for puddings."

Obviously, because it is him we're talking about, presumably

junior pudding chefs will now go on strike and you'll only be able

to get a pudding for 24 hours if it is a genuine emergency.

-That worries me.

-I'm very cross about all this.

-Are you?

-I love puddings.

-He loves puddings, that guy.

Ed knows this. I love puddings so much.

I once sat in Ed's house and ate a full tub of Ben & Jerry's

while looking at the Ben & Jerry's website to see what flavours

of Ben & Jerry's they have in America that we don't get over here.

What flavours do they have?

The most amazing flavours you can ever imagine.

Cos in American convenience stores,

-they have giant fridges full of these.

-Yeah!

And here, there'll just be one,

there will just be Jeremy Hunt standing in the fridge, going...

I didn't invite James that night and I was trying to have

a very romantic meal with my girlfriend.

Every now and again, just me shouting out,

"One's called the Tonight Dough!"

Cherry, cherry, chocolate, cherry, cherry? This is so unfair!

At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and James.

Now we play a round called

Trump Around, Trump Around, Trump Up, Trump Up and Get Down.

This game involves John and James.

If you could make your way to the performance area, please.

This round is a stand-up challenge.

I launch the Wheel Of News, and wherever it chooses to stop,

one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.

OK, here we go, spin the wheel.

And the topic is Home Life. Who wants to come in on that?

LAUGHTER

So, my girlfriend went away...

..for four weeks...

to Australia.

And in the run-up to her going away,

she was very concerned about how we'd cope.

I...

..was sort of less worried about that.

I'll be honest with you, what I was mainly thinking in the run-up

to my girlfriend going to Australia for four weeks was,

"Hooray!

"Hooray! Lads! Lads! Lads! Down the pub! Glug, glug, glug!"

That's a pint glass, by the way.

Turns out, they'd moved on.

Their girlfriends aren't away, their kids exist.

And my flat is now just turned into a blank,

grief-walled cell of despair.

Cos I see it without my girlfriend in it for the first time.

And so, my mind just begins to fill with all the everyday things

that lose their magic without her because that's what I think love is.

It's a domestic thing.

The other day, she was emptying the bin and I knew it was going to

split because she doesn't buy heavy-duty bin bags

because she doesn't listen to me.

And she's lifting out the bin and I can see the main sort of

bulk of the refuse is staying there.

Meanwhile, the bag itself is just stretching,

getting clearer and clearer till it's little more than a shadow

and I think, "Well, that bag is going to split

"but I can't tell her because I've learned."

I hear this shrill cry,

a sound that I've not heard my girlfriend make before

cos I'm not much in the bedroom.

And I thought, "Well, that bin bag's split, hasn't it?"

Time to go and lighten the atmos with a few choice quips

about why we use heavy-duty bin bags.

Thank you very much. John Robins.

OK, that leaves us with James. Let's see what your topic is.

Let's spin the wheel.

And the topic is Cinema. Away you go.

Speaking of the cinema, Sara Pascoe's an idiot.

Love going to the cinema.

My favourite film that I ever saw at the cinema

was the Eddie Redmayne classic The Theory Of Everything.

Loved it. It should have been called Look Who's Hawking.

That's my only criticism.

Nobody's perfect.

Worst part of going to the cinema is other people, easily.

Sitting there. King of the Jerks is behind me, this really angry man.

Had a go at me at one point because I was snacking.

"Get over yourself, Grandad, I'll do what I like."

In his defence, I was eating a big bag of fortune cookies.

Cracking them open, reading them out loud, it was disruptive.

It was disruptive.

End of this film, man behind me goes,

"Ugh, that's two hours of my life I'm not getting back."

I thought, "Ah, I've got some bad news for this guy."

"Every hour of your life...

"No, you're never getting back. They're gone forever.

"Time is not refundable, death is the end."

And I know that because five minutes earlier,

I'd read it in a fortune cookie.

Thank you very much, James Acaster.

At the end of that round, the points go to John Robins.

Our next round is called

If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

On the board are six categories.

John, which category would you like?

I would like World News, please, Dara.

OK, World News is the category. The answer is 3%.

What is the question?

Is it what percentage of my life have I spent thinking

the toaster is broken when actually, I haven't plugged it in?

Is it my milkshake brings what percentage of boys to the yard?

Is it what is my success rate for plugging in

a USB charger the right way round first time?

Is it how much of a portion of Viennetta you get

round Jeremy Hunt's house?

Is it what percentage of the population of Midsomer

are still alive and well?

Is it how many of Southern Rail's trains run today?

-Yeah.

-APPLAUSE

-Always a classic, innit?

-That's a timely one. It's awful!

Oh, no, you're ha-ha-ha and clapping now, you're never getting home.

Is it, "Huh, what are the chances?"

Very true. Very true.

It could be what are the chances of John proposing live on air?

On Mock The Week, in front of everyone!

-AUDIENCE CHEER

-Oh, my God,

-now it's come up, why not...?

-Yeah, and who to?

HE LAUGHS EVILLY

-Those spider hands?

-HE LAUGHS EVILLY

Please tell me that when you propose, if you ever do,

-you will do spider hands first.

-Spider hands.

Every day, I propose to someone random.

-And I'll come to them and go...

-HE LAUGHS EVILLY

"What? No? OK, go away."

It's the percentage of Facebook posts from new parents

that I give a shit about.

Oh, yeah, you've all got kids, haven't you?

Keep your dirty dick in your trousers

and save us all a lot of bother.

Whoa, whoa!

This is so much like an anxiety dream for me.

Will you marry me?

You got it on tape, right? He can't deny it. I'm going to show his mum.

Is it...? No jam!

It's not about jam. It's clearly not about jam.

-What is the answer?

-It's world news. We make our own jam.

It is...it is, I suspect,

how far ahead is Hillary Clinton in the polls?

That's absolutely correct. Thank you very much.

Hugh Dennis.

Yes, despite some wonderful candidates there,

the question I was actually looking for was - in recent polls,

how far ahead is Hillary Clinton in the US presidential election?

This is the news that,

in the aftermath of last week's debate, Clinton opened

a three-point lead over Republican candidate Donald Trump.

-Are you all following it?

-Oh, yes.

About five weeks to go until the election.

-Yeah, I've made my mind up now, I'm voting for Trump.

-Yeah?

And voting for him is going to be a full-on protest vote

and he'll never win, it'll be fine and if he wins,

then I'll just google the consequences later.

Donald Trump never thinks ahead as to what people

could Photoshop in, does he?

He's had a terrible week though, hasn't he?

Cos suddenly all his tax returns have being revealed, haven't they?

No, one set of tax returns revealed from 1995

showed him making a 961 million loss,

which he offset into the next 20 years of tax, it's believed.

-So, he's paid no tax for 20 years.

-That's the...

And I got that off Google and I mean,

about tax, they should know, shouldn't they?

It's true, he keeps saying despicable things about women,

he keeps going on and on about people's appearances,

being incredibly shallow, being very critical and nasty

and poisonous about people who've aged or put on weight.

I mean, who does he think he is? A woman's magazine?

The thing is I think that in America, though,

they're all about breaking taboos and changing things.

They had the first-ever black president and now they're going to

have the first-ever criminally insane one. So, it's a good thing,

they give everyone a chance.

He does it all himself, doesn't he?

Like, he talks about having the most stamina but the only reason

he needs stamina is he keeps making such a prick out of himself.

Like, her at the debate was like a boxer just stood there in the ring

watching another boxer punch themself repeatedly in the face.

It is the thing, everyone, people are weird, I'm very,

"Oh, everyone calm down, shut up and relax with this."

Because there's a graph, if you look at all the websites

with the political things and you see the graph which has a gap

between where they are and it's always been Hillary on top and him there.

And occasionally, they veer together,

and then they veer out again.

And it seems that every time they get a little bit closer,

it's like the Americans keep tipping up towards the wet paint

and wanting to touch the wet paint and then going,

"No, no, no, no, no!"

Cos every time it gets within a couple of points,

it's like America goes, "What are we doing? We're mad."

"No, of course I wouldn't vote for him,"

and then, after a week,

they go, "Maybe I would... No, no, no!"

Who has offered Trump some advice for the next debate?

-This is Nigel Farage.

-Nigel Farage, yeah.

Farage is, you know, he's fresh from ruining the UK,

now he's going to go and ruin America.

He's very much the Robbie Williams of politics.

Or maybe Trump read that thing about how if you have an ugly friend,

it makes you look better.

He's like, "Hey, I know a guy."

It shows you how bad Trump is because I'm not

a huge Farage fan but I'm looking at that, going, "Oh, come on, Nige,

"don't do that, you're better than that."

Which ambitious space experiment has come to an end?

-The moon man.

-Ah, this is Rosetta, isn't it?

Yes to Rosetta, no to the moon man.

It was a stab in the dark, I admit.

-It's the Rosetta mission, Dara.

-It is the Rosetta mission, yes.

And the Rosetta mission took 12 years and six months.

It cost 1.9 billion.

Ridiculous! A billion quid.

I've lost my no-claims bonus for reversing into a trolley.

And they're...

And they're crashing spaceships

on a hunch that it's going to be a hot day.

-I'm sort of with Rob on this one.

-Thank you, John.

I don't think you understand how much things like this mean to Dara.

-I know.

-And it's all right making fun of politicians but this

means something, so can we not be mean?

It's like my jam.

Do you think, though? You see, I've got a suspicion

that it's not genuine, anyway, I think it might be an insurance scam.

-So, they...

-The entire thing.

I think they deliberately crashed it.

Well, the proof of that would be if its last transmission was...

-IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:

-.."I've got whiplash!"

None of it's real, though. It's just sci-fi, innit?

I don't know why we're talking about this, Dara.

It's like Battlestar Galactica.

We're all indulging you but it's not real, mate.

Is any of it, is none of it real?

On the next episode, they send Henry the Hoover up

to clean up the mess.

At the end of the round, the points go to Rob, Sara and John.

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like to See.

So, if everyone can make their way over to the performance area.

I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what

our panellists can come up with.

OK, here we go.

The first subject is...

If you have any information about this crime or any other crime,

keep your mouth shut. Snitches get stitches. Brap, brap, brap!

A relative paid tribute to the victim who sadly died in the blaze.

He said, "He was the kind of guy that just lights up a room."

Studies have discovered that the majority of murderers are men.

So, what should we be doing?

How can we support female murderers?

Should we be subsidising childcare?

The suspect defecated on Boris Johnson's doorstep.

Witnesses described the man as "an absolute legend".

No Crimewatch tonight but re-runs of Top Of The Pops 2

are on BBC4 now, so just...

The man broke into Battersea Dogs Home

and released all the dogs.

Police are desperately searching for leads.

The criminals then blew the safe, but however hard they blew,

it just stayed where it was.

Oh, no, a city up north has gone missing.

It begins with L and is great.

Police are desperately looking for Leeds.

That was your pun!

Do you like it?

It's a Rolex. I nicked that.

That is a crime watch.

And now, as a bit of fun, we go to the blooper reel.

"Give me all your honey! I mean, money! Ha, ha, ha!"

According to police, there were wet footprints leading across

the bedroom carpet.

Cos one of us doesn't know what a bath mat is.

OK, OK, OK!

The murderer said she did it because, "He made so many jokes

"about me on Mock The Week, I couldn't hack it any more."

Were you in the Wetherspoons at 9am?

If you were, we want you to contact us.

There was no crime, we just want to work out

what went wrong in your life.

Right, let's have a quick look at Britain's Most Unwanted.

This is Sam Allardyce.

The victim's name was Jehovah. Police are looking for witnesses.

Well, you know greetings cards are about four quid, ain't they?

But if you put 'em in the self-service, there's no weight on them,

so they don't... Hello, welcome to Crimewatch!

OK, the next topic is...

But the ring was lost.

Frodo looked up.

This rectal exam had gone badly wrong.

I was Gandalf The Grey.

But now, after only three washes...

Will the Mad Lord defeat the Leper Queen?

Rob Beckett, Fox News, Washington.

My magic powers are strong.

Put any penis in my hand and watch it grow.

Your Majesty, I've ridden here for two weeks on horseback

to deliver this important message from your brother.

"Errhh!"

Hufflepuff? Oh, great, I'm getting bullied.

Frodo, it's so far, can't we just split a cab fare?

No, sorry, darling. No, that's a ticket.

No, this is a Double Yellow Brick Road.

I am Thor, John Thaw.

And I am a Morse god.

'Tis I, Merlin,

Grand Wizard and supplier of Premier League sticker albums.

Shazam! A shiny.

Oh, no, I've been bitten by some radioactive corduroy.

That means I'm going to become James Acaster Man.

-IN GEORDIE ACCENT:

-No, I'm sorry, Alice.

This is Sunderland.

After travelling across the dark seas and desolate planes,

finally I am home. I left my keys at Clive's!

Er, we actually find the term unicorn quite offensive,

we prefer skinny rhinoceri.

Call yourself an orc?

Oh, yeah, you can talk the orc but can you walk the orc?

Do not go in there. It's an absolute bloodbath!

It is literally a lion in a wardrobe.

I cannot emphasise that enough. It killed the witch. Oh, my God!

What's that? The film's gone on for nine hours and you don't know

what you're doing any more, so you just get an army of the undead

to save the day? Fucking turn it in.

OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and James.

That's the end of the show.

This week's winners are John Robins, Sara Pascoe and Rob Beckett.

Commiserations to Ed Gamble, Hugh Dennis and James Acaster.

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.