Episode 12 Mock the Week

# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

# Read all about it Read all about it

# News of the world News of the world

# Read all about it Read all about it

# News of the world News of the world. #

This programme contains some strong language

Hello and welcome to the

final show in the current run of Mock The Week.

2016 has been quite a year - Brexit,

Donald Trump, and everyone good died.

So let's relive all that, shall we? There'll be

some out-takes and new stuff as well. Hope you enjoy it.

APPLAUSE

We start with a round called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question? On the board

are six categories. Dane, which category would you like?

-Don't pick sport, Dane. Don't do it.

-Shut up, Ed.

We do have to do this, Ed. Shut up, you prick.

What has become highly

desirable because of the vote to leave the EU?

-Irish passport.

-Yeah, one of these.

One of these, baby, one of these.

Oh, back off, hey.

I know. Pretty sweet, my friend.

Isn't it amazing, we've got to the point where our own Prime Minister

is in a less internationally strong position than Jedward.

APPLAUSE

The application forms

for these have run out. They're expecting an

extra million of these. They're pretty sweet, you know, because...

I'm not bothered about that. I think it's all a fuss over nothing but on

an unrelated note I'd just like to say, Dara,

"I love you, I've loved you since the very first moment I saw you and would you do me the

"honour of being my husband?"

Until now, though, it's been pointless having an Irish passport

because they don't let you on a plane drunk anyway.

What? Really, really.

You are in no position, my friend.

I've gone for it. I've gone for it, mate.

Yeah, yeah, you dug it in there, yeah.

It's just, I'm just so sad.

It's going to be all right, isn't it, Dara? Everything? You know things.

-I don't care, man...

-What does Tim Peake reckon?

APPLAUSE

To be honest, this is not an Irish Passport with my face in it. This is a thing we just mocked up

because there's no way I'm taking something as valuable as an actual Irish passport into a studio.

I'm just going to write myself a visa.

-I...can...go...

-You could just take a photograph of the picture on the back of a Megabus and stick that on.

Yeah.

So that's... That's the Irish visa now which

just says "I can go anywhere."

There. Oh, hang on, sorry.

Let me just draw a shamrock on that. So that you get a

full sense of the sheer Irish-ness of that.

The official stamp of Ireland.

-Is that a cock and balls?

-Balls.

-It's a cock and balls.

Sorry, yes, it is, it's a cock and balls.

-I've accidentally drawn a cock and balls.

-That is so sexually threatening.

A piece of paper saying "I can go anywhere" with a penis drawn on it.

-CHARMER VOICE:

-Ladies.

CHARMER VOICE: Ladies.

"Hello, charming customs lady. Would you like to

"see my cock and balls?"

-"I've got an international dick."

-I'm sorry, OK, I'll try to make it more like a shamrock.

That's appalling, sorry. I'll colour it in so it now looks... Please don't say... That, see,

that's more like it, isn't it?

Don't. OK, what's...

What's that? OK, stop

saying cock and balls on my Irish visa.

Are you allowed to write in it?

It's not a real... No.

APPLAUSE

It's fake. It's a pretend one.

Digressing slightly, that is the thing that pissed me off about the

film Gravity. Where Sandra Bullock - it

didn't matter what space ship she got into -

whether it was Russian, Chinese...

-Ah...well...er...well....er.

-Oh, here we go, here we go.

-Oh, no.

Well, ah. I could ruin that for you. OK, they learn Russian and then the buttons are all the same.

-There's more than two buttons, though, there's like three.

-Yep, but the...

When the Chinese buy the Russian thing they don't go

"I know what we'll do. We'll move everything around."

You don't get in a car in Spain on holiday and go, "Oh, my God. What are all these different buttons?"

Yeah, but I... I mean because I've got a driving licence I don't

assume that means I can then fly a space rocket.

You know. There's a difference. Slightly more complicated.

All right, mate, cos that's off what I thought you were saying.

-Hard work.

-There's a reason we put you two far away, far apart.

-Is he going to be a prick all night?

-He's had loads of coffees.

-Yes, I am.

He's had three coffees before the show.

Honestly, Rob is annoying at best and he's had a massive cup of coffee.

-Let's just all try and get through this as best as possible.

-I'm just loving life.

I like it. We'll just take nap time halfway through and it'll be fine.

I will dip in about half hour so don't worry about it.

Big thanks, by the way, to everyone watching the show last week who

spotted a fly land on my head in the middle of the show. Which a lot of people...

Wow.

..sent me on Twitter, to

Twitter, you know, in the way it does. Lots of people.

Just as I'm laughing at a comment

that you're making, Hugh, "ha-ha ha", when a fly

lands on my head.

And that's all I've heard the entire show. Literally no joke was

noticed by anyone other than people trying to screen grab that to send it to me and go...

Wait a minute, but why did you not... What has happened to your

central nervous system that you were unaware that a fly had landed on your head?

Because it was a... It was a fly, Hugh. Rather than... It wasn't like

a gazelle that sat on my head.

Did you for a moment go, "It's grown back."

APPLAUSE

So harsh.

-I think you look sweet with it. I think you should keep it.

-It's like a tiny topknot. Yeah.

-Yeah.

Dara's gone for a tiny topknot.

-I've gathered all the strands.

-I'm still down with the kids.

-Yeah, I'm Zlatan.

I think it's more reminiscent of a little bird on the back a hippo.

Oh.

-Oh, wow.

-No, I mean only if...

-Hey.

-If you really scale it up, though. You know.

You think I'm in a symbiotic relationship and the fly cleans me.

Yeah.

And in exchange for that I don't kill or eat the fly.

I like to think that if you zoom in on the fly it's also going...

You're both laughing at the same time.

-There's a little fly there.

-And if you zoom in really, really close there's this little

bacteria on top of the fly going...

Just a happy chain.

In other news, what's going on here?

Too soon, is it?

Hodgson's shit and we're out. Is that the answer?

APPLAUSE I'll accept that.

Yes, I shall accept that. I shall accept that as

the correct answer.

We got beaten by a team with basically all the same surnames.

It's like losing to a school team in Norfolk.

Presumably everyone's rowing in behind Iceland now. Is that the...?

-Yeah.

-It's like conkers, really. You go, like, all of your things are

passed on to whoever wins. Iceland now own England.

And I, for one, welcome our new Icelandic overlords.

APPLAUSE

I love that. It's fantastic.

Something is happening because there's a long gap between the first

one and the second one. There's a long gap and

you know something is happening in Icelandic in their heads.

Some Viking thing is happening and it's freaky because they're going,

"Ohhhhhh." Even longer than that -

you're like, "Come on, come on!" Then when all they...

When they know - when THEY know the time has passed - aah!

THE AUDIENCE CLAP

Stop it.

THE AUDIENCE CLAP

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop, stop, stop. You're just clapping.

That's not the same thing. The Vikings -

they're not disco people, the Vikings.

There's a whole "Huuhh" thing and a "Hooo" and

then there's a big pause because they do it

again, it's not like... It's not YMCA.

Straight arm, "Huuhh."

Wait, you have to do the "Hooo" as well. All right. For the - oh, Jesus.

It's all, OK, fine.

"Huuhh." THE AUDIENCE CLAP

Then we wait for a surprising amount of time.

"Huuhh."

"Huuhh." "Huuhh." "Huuhh." "Huuhh." "Huuhh." "Huuhh." "Huuhh."

And so on and then they win. Yes, grand. OK.

-Well done, people.

-Oh, dear God.

That's how Farage won, by the way.

That is. That's how easy it is to lead a mob.

I'm not that... Are we that bothered that Obama's getting snubbed here?

He's on his way out anyway. He's been having a bloody holiday for the last...

He's not really doing anything, is he? He's dicking around. Like doing little comedy bits,

like slamming Donald Trump, trying to make us forget that he authorised the drone strikes.

Do you know what I mean? Like, he's...

I might be too happy but

I think you might not be happy enough, Romesh.

I just... No, listen.

APPLAUSE

Well, there, there, Obama,

Romesh is keeping an eye on you. So you better...

You better do some stuff.

He has told us that we can't expect a trade deal with America,

-is one of the things he's done, isn't it?

-Yep.

-He said if we try to

organise - after Brexit - if we try to organise a trade deal with the US, we are at the back of the queue.

Cos he's got to do one with China and the EU.

I mean, there you go. He's trying to explain queuing to Britain.

APPLAUSE

This is exactly it.

This is exactly it, you think relative to them,

relative to them what we want in a trade deal is

very, very small. So there should be a different...

-Queue.

-..queue. A five-items-or-less queue.

I worked this out the other day. You know when they say "Never put all your eggs in one basket?"

Yeah.

Do. Because you get a

wider choice of checkouts, don't you?

Another thing with eggs -

don't get duck ones. Taste like fish.

-That's really weird.

-Culinary Corner with Rob Beckett.

I think we can pinpoint the moment the coffee kicked in.

Duck eggs, duck eggs.

I thought it was going to be like a big chicken one but it ain't. It's all fishy.

-Are they, like, salty, briny?

-Yeah, a bit fishy. A bit like...

Did you say, "If you're eating fish all day you're going to have a fishy egg"? Ducks don't eat fish, mate.

-Why do you think they're putting their heads under the water?

-They eat bread, you dozy prick.

They've got their head in the water all the day. They have bread and fish.

-They do eat fish. They do eat fish.

-They do eat fish.

-What fish are they eating?

-Do they eat fish? Do they eat fish? I thought they ate...

-You are... You are damaging...

What do you think happened to ducks before people started fucking baking?

APPLAUSE

"Oh, I'm so hungry. Oh, I'm so hungry, I'm so hungry. When will someone learn to find yeast?"

That impression of a

duck, I'm going to get that as a gif. Look at that.

"I just want some bread."

Ducks have a very varied diet.

Unlike Rob, who's just eaten sweets.

Sweets. Sweets and helium.

The fact of the... I mean,

the point that we're all ignoring is that eggs

are morally corrupt anyway and we're all...

-Anybody that eats eggs is...

-Oh, God he's starting the vegan again.

-Like, listen...listen.

-Ah, God, here goes the fun for the night.

I had an apple crumble

with cream earlier. And as I was eating it I

thought, "If I could make something that nice I'd happily be milked."

-Again, we've gone into territory that...

-If I could bring that to the world.

Remind me to never have a milkshake round your house, you disgusting person.

Our next round is called Newsreel. We play a recent piece of footage

featuring people in the news and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.

This week's clip features the royal family.

-AS PRINCE PHILIP:

-Ooh, God,

here we go again. I hate this kind of thing.

Why are we having to stop here, Liz? Oh, for God's

sake, hurry up, I want to get home in time for

Game Of Thrones. There's the kind of programme I like.

Women getting their waps out whatever the weather.

-AS QUEEN:

-Hello.

I've come to pick up a package. I told them if I wasn't in

to leave it with the soldier in the sentry box in the funny hat but they didn't listen.

-AS LADY:

-Your Majesty, do you have any identification?

-AS QUEEN:

-I'm the Queen, for God's sake. Just look at

a £5 note and add about 40 years.

-AS LADY:

-Your Majesty, I'd like to introduce you to Dave.

-AS QUEEN:

-Hello. Hello, Dave.

What do you do?

-AS DAVE:

-Well, obviously I'm a postman, aren't I?

-AS PHILIP:

-I say, I've got a package you could handle.

It's about that big. And I tell you what, I could pop it on the

scales if you like? Wrap it in tape, whatever you fancy.

-AS LADY:

-These are the designs

for our new stamps, Your Majesty. What do you think?

-AS QUEEN:

-I think they're absolutely awful.

What is that? A monkey?

William with hair? There was a time when stamps

just had a picture of me. What was wrong with

that, for Christ's sake? And what are those? Are they stamps?

-AS LADY:

-No, those are the suspects we're looking for, Your Majesty.

-AS PHILIP:

-I want to be on a stamp.

Look up there. Get rid of, er... Get rid of Charles.

-AS QUEEN:

-Why do you always cause a scene?

-AS PHILIP:

-Hang on, I've just got to say something completely inappropriate.

So you're in the Navy, are you?

Yes. Would you like to pipe me aboard?

I'll tell you what. You've got a bit of... You've got

a bit of thing on you - yes, there you go.

A tassel. Yes, that's better.

Come on, you old goat, off we go. Ha.

Put your foot on it, driver, I'm absolutely bursting for

a waz.

APPLAUSE Well done, Hugh.

OK, let's move on completely. Which woman has made history in the United States this week?

Oh, Hillary Clinton.

Hillary Clinton, of course, yes. In what way has she made history?

She's the first female

nominee ever.

Well, Bernie Sanders is

likely to withdraw, innit? It's just a shame Donald Trump's dad didn't.

-APPLAUSE

-Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Beckett's back with a broom up politics' arse.

It would be great, if she wins then that will mean...

ROB SNORTS

-If she wins that will mean that...

-ROB SNORTS

-Sorry.

-100% of... What's going on? Are you...?

Yeah, but if I laugh sometimes I snort. I'm sorry, I'll try and stop.

But you're laughing at your own joke.

Sorry, I've been annoying you all day, haven't I?

-He's been annoying me all day.

-Really?

-He's been in the dressing room next to me. And I had to text

him about this.

I shouldn't have to text people this.

I had to text him saying, "Please stop singing, 'Hey, Mambo, Mambo Italiano.'"

That shouldn't need to happen. And it shouldn't then get the reply, "I wasn't aware I was singing it."

Every now and again he'd just start doing it.

# Hey, Mambo Mambo Italiano

# Hey, Mambo... #

-Yeah, you know you're doing it then.

-I know now.

-That's all the lyrics he knows.

-That's it, and you just

loop that tiny bit of the song.

It's one of those things. You know when you're just busy doing something, you don't realise it.

I, quite loudly, I just go,

# Hey Mambo, Mambo Italiano. Hey... #

-And the walls are quite thin, aren't they?

-Very thin and then you

ask him to stop and then he goes, "Sorry" and

then he starts doing it again because he can't remember.

Then if he's feeling bored he does a tweet about it and tells everyone that he's been

doing it and then for the whole afternoon my

phone won't stop going off because people are tweeting, "Hey, Mambo" at me.

So, what's going on here?

Is it Murray showing Tim Henman how bath time is different?

Is Andy Murray going to

be cryogenically frozen and then bought back

when Novak Djokovic is retired?

Sorry, Andy.

-Oh, zing...

-I know what it is,

Andy's from Scotland. They don't get too much

sun over there - he's enjoying the reflection

of the trophy.

APPLAUSE

I'm assuming that's the picture he's put on eBay.

He looks like a centaur.

He looks... Look, his legs bend backwards in that bath.

That must be how he covers the court so

quickly if his legs flip out. You can never lob

me, my friend.

He always plays on centaur court.

-APPLAUSE Ahhh.

-Thank you.

Bravo. Bravo.

That trophy, you could

fit your head inside. Have you toyed with

putting your head in the trophy and playing Knightmare?

No, I haven't, actually, no.

When you get home you are going to have the time of your life.

Have you put the baby in the trophy? Have you put the baby in the trophy?

You surely put the baby in the trophy?

She doesn't fit, we

tried but...

Oh, I'm delighted to hear that. Course he has.

APPLAUSE

Why is there a pineapple on top of the trophy?

-Is there a pineapple on top of the trophy?

-Yeah, it's a pineapple, yeah.

Are you meant to fill it with Lilt?

Have you tried that? Try that tonight, after the baby.

We keep presuming that they just give you this thing...

Presumably the thing is now back in a safe somewhere. Do you get to have it for any period of time?

That was the last time I saw it, actually.

Where the hell is it?

You get like...

Did you turn away, and then came back, and then... "What?

"The trophy's gone." Cos this might be the place to tell them.

"We've told you the trophy has got a no nudity rule, we are taking that away from you."

The trophy has not seen a penis in 127 years.

Not now. They take the trophy away, do they give you a replica?

Yeah, a small one, yeah.

Can you fit your head in that one?

What can you fit in that one?

We'll cut the mic out, you needn't, you needn't.

Does anyone want to ask further

questions before the lights go down?

-What are we supposed to be answering?

-You're supposed to be, "What's going on here?"

I think we've blown the gaff. We know what's going on here.

What's going on here is

we're offending the only person who's done anything good in Britain this year.

APPLAUSE That is very true.

I should reveal now that I know these things are getting leaked, though.

I did use my inhaler before the egg and spoon race in 1993.

No, I came last anyway.

But, um...

Did you shaky, shaky and all that at the end? Click, click.

And then, "Boom!"

-JOSH IMITATES EXPLOSION

-Egg there. Straight on the floor.

Yeah. You see, I have... I have to attend egg and spoon races now.

-Do you?

-Oh, I do, yeah.

-What, a court-ordered thing?

Somebody has to be there as an independent observer to make sure

the kids aren't putting their thumb on the egg.

So do they choose the man that looks most like an egg?

APPLAUSE

-Moving on, what criticisms has Theresa May faced this week?

-She's a submarine.

-Yes, why is she a submarine?

-That was her nickname apparently. This unkind nickname they gave her

because she has a tendency to sort of

disappear under the water when difficult issues come up.

The joke about submarines is never that they disappear all the

time - it's that they're full of seamen, isn't it?

It's such a weird...

-APPLAUSE

-Isn't it?

Do not, don't, don't.

Don't broadcast. Please.

We all saw that one and

didn't go for it. And, he, the classiest one

among us, went for that joke, all right?

-But that's because...

-I appeal to your better...

Man in the editing suite, I appeal to your better angel.

Dara, I thought the point of the submarine was that it went down on you.

Theresa May was called

submarine because she had a tendency to

disappear when she was most needed.

I thought it was because she was always soaking wet.

APPLAUSE

So...

..typical of you. You have to bring...bring the tone down.

How is the Labour leadership contest shaping up?

I think Keith Vaz has

suggested he'd like to run Virgin Trains.

Oh, fuck, you. Seriously, seriously.

-Not so happy any more, are you, you prick?

-I'm not, actually, no.

The headache's here.

-IMITATING ROB:

-Caffeine come down. Having a bit of a downer, to be honest with ya.

APPLAUSE

Well somebody's going to watch my sweet, sweet arse.

Does the seagull follow you, Ed? Does the seagull follow

you as you go round, go from skip to skip in seaside towns?

There's no such thing as a seagull.

-Oh.

-Oh.

-Come on, yeah.

-I've heard this.

-Mind blown wide open.

-What?

There are Herring Gulls, there are Great Gulls..

If I was doing QI I would give you some sort of a hooter.

Yeah, well, I've never

been asked to do fucking QI, so why did you bring that up?

We're not doing QI, we're doing Mock The Week and on Mock The Week that is the most boring-arsed fact

I've ever heard. OK.

Now, we come to Scenes We'd Like To See so if everyone can make their

way over to the performance area. I'll read out this week's topics.

Is it in the extended

version of Craig Day's... Oh, er, start again.

In the extended version of Craig David's

Seven Days, after how long...?

LAUGHTER

I'm not going to do that one.

-No, OK, fair enough.

-So nearly there.

-So nearly there.

Is it how long it will take for Angela to finish that joke?

So question one. What is

the essential component of daytime quiz shows?

Is it, A - multiple choice questions? B -

tense, dramatic music? Or C...

..long annoying poises. Poises? That doesn't make sense.

This game is

our stand-up challenge and involves Miles and

Milton, so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.

-Make your way, gentlemen, make your way.

-Shut up, Ed. This is what we say.

-Here is a map.

-Stop mocking the 18th century vernacular...

-Here is a map.

-..with which I present this show.

I'm not doing this. We're clearly not doing this. I'm telling you now we're not doing it.

We're clearly not doing this. We're not doing this. N... N...

God, it's exciting watching this personal crisis unfold, isn't it?

Get on the train with a belly full of pollige - porridge - can I get off

it with a wally, wallet full of cash? Now if I'd said that right we'd be fine.

-So...

-The word belly then went

onto porridge and that became pollige and then

um, a wally, a wally full of cash so I'll say

it again. If I get on with a belly full of

pollige do I walk off with a wally full of cash?

-You've done pollige again.

-A wally full of pollige.

Every time you do it, it sounds like you're attacking the Chinese with some really hideous...

Who wrote bumface on my piece of paper?

No-one did.

If you asked Wayne Rooney what... OK. What would Way... What would

Way... Arrghhh. It's a difficult name.

Is it how many times Ed's going to try and do this joke?

I'm only on four. I'm only on four.

Hi, I'm Dara O Briain but

you know that because I fucking present everything.

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See, so if everyone could make

their way over to the performance area I'll

read out this week's topics and we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

OK, here we go... The first subject is...

Things you wouldn't hear on a kids' TV show.

"Thunderbirds are go!"

is what I shout at orgasm.

No, La La, I'm afraid you're not Teletubbie, you're tele-obese.

And if you're not careful you'll get tele-diabetes.

Don't ask your parents' permission before you phone. Those dicks will only say no.

And on today's Horrible Histories, a 1970s episode of Top Of The Pops.

Right, young womble,

today we're going to destroy the Wimbledon

Tennis Championships and get rid of all this dog

poo from the common. Get yourself a golfclub.

Well if you're not having an affair, whose square pants are these?

Well things are hotting

up in Balamory - Archie's been radicalised.

Well, Miss Hooly, I'm wondering if I'm going to be regretting this job in 14 years.

Daddy Bear said,

"Somebody's been sleeping in my bed" and

Mummy Bear said, "It was probably your whore, Linda."

And the janitor would

have got away with it too if it hadn't been

for the photographs he'd taken of those pesky kids.

Yodel delivery driver Pat,

Yodel delivery driver Pat...

He's thrown your parcel in a hedge.

And now it's time for

our resident band of children's violinists.

Please welcome The Kiddie Fiddlers.

And now Peppa Pig is a

recipe on Saturday Kitchen.

Look, Iggle Piggle, it's the Ninky Nonk.

Uh...

-IN A POSH ACTOR VOICE:

-Olivier said my Hamlet made him weep

like a little girl.

APPLAUSE

OK, the next topic is...

Lines you wouldn't hear in a James Bond film.

Sorry, mate, this is Spoons, we don't do Martini, do you want a

jug of woo woo?

Ah, Mr Bond, welcome to

this mandatory course on sexual harassment in the

workplace.

Hi, the name's Bond.

It's not actually 007 - they're zeros - otherwise

I'd be called "Oooooo seven."

-IN A RUSSIAN ACCENT:

-Ah, Mr Bond, I'm very

flattered by your advances but you are a

complete stranger, you work for my enemy and I

am menstruating very heavily.

Bond, meet your children, 005, 003

and 00 18 months.

You want my full name of course, it's Bond, James -

Skipton Building Society, fixed rate,

one year - Bond.

It's another gadget, Bond. Er, this is a way of distracting your

opponents. Some light-up trainers for no reason.

-IN A RUSSIAN ACCENT:

-Mr Bond, I have

one question for you.

Does this testicle look swollen?

So, Mr Bond, welcome back, how was Russia, how do you feel?

"Do you know what? Rested."

Mr Bond, we just want to check that you understand how to use

the new equipment. You know you can swipe left, don't you?

Blow Felt?

No, I've never even met Felt.

I'm Bond, James Bond,

I'll have a Martini shaken not stirred.

I fucked that up. I just said what he says.

Brain went... Did it wrong.

It's a very clever twist on the whole...the whole format.

-I just said what he said.

-It's lines you wouldn't hear. Wouldn't.

Yeah, I get it now.

The name's Bond, James Bond.

This is much easier.

This is the easiest

fight on top of a train I've ever had.

Thank you, Southern Rail.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, I have got a girlfriend. No, thank you.

APPLAUSE

And at the end of that the points go to James, Hugh and Gary.

APPLAUSE

As I was just saying I thought that was a really good show.

And I'm going to go on my holidays now.

So, er... So good luck. Have a nice time.

-Are you staying here, are you all here?

-We're going to Cornwall.

Oh, you're going to Cornwall this year? Oh, that sounds really good.

That sounds really good. I'll be on the Algarve, I think.

I don't know, I might travel around.

Do you know, I might go Inter-railing.

That's what I might do. It's going to be amazing.