Election Special Mock the Week

THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE

# Read about the things that happen

# Throughout the world

# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

# Read all about it

# News of the World...

CHEERING

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# News of the World

Hello and welcome to Mock the Week: Election Special,

I'm Dara O'Briain.

Joining me this week are Tez Ilyas, James Acaster and Ed Gamble,

Joining me this week are Tez Ilyas, James Acaster and Ed Gamble,

Milton Jones, Hugh Dennis and Angela Barnes.

CHEERING

Welcome, as I said, to our special here on the night of the election

although we recorded this on Tuesday, because that's

when we always record the show.

We weren't expecting an election, because nobody

was expecting an election.

So if you're looking for results, you come to the wrong place, baby,

this is literally the least informed show on television right now.

Well done on your choices, I'm loving your

style, OK.

We start with a round called This Is The Answer, What Is The

Question.

On the board are six categories.

Tez, which category would you like?

Can I please have Home News?

That seems suitable.

The category is Home News.

The answer is "50 days".

What is the question?

Is it how long until the next general election?

It can only be a matter of time.

APPLAUSE

Is it, taking into account the 49 days they took off,

how long did it take Ukip to write their manifesto?

Is it when the shoe was on the other foot, how long did it

take Wally to find me?

Is it how long does one day feel for Melania Trump?

Is it in a Nando's kitchen, how long is the five-second rule?

Is it how long did I spend in the tiny Welsh village Llandyll

when it turned out to be landfill?

Is it how old was I when I started to use the phrase

"Mo money, mo problems"?

Is it how long I had to stay in my car when someone changed

the sat-nav for a loop of Bonnie Tyler

singing "turn around"?

Is it how long until Paul Nuttall hatches?

Is it how long has this workplace gone without an accident?

Is it how many days should I book off work if I am flying with BA?

Is it how long does Theresa May wish she could travel back in time?

APPLAUSE

That is so close to the correct answer, I would like you to tell me

the correct answer.

It is how long has the election campaign been running?

That's absolutely right, thank you very much, Hugh Dennis.

CHEERING

Yes, of course, this is the news as it is that after 50 days

of hard campaigning, the poles are now closed

of hard campaigning, the polls are now closed

and the country has now voted in yet another election.

I'm so bored of voting.

I know democracy's supposed to be an amazing gift but I'm

so bored of democracy.

I might have to move to Iran for a little bit, just to ease off.

Are you on first name terms with the people

in the polling booth yet?

Yeah, absolutely.

"How you doing?"

"Here we go again."

"My usual booth."

"OK."

"Did you keep my pencil from the last time?"

"I certainly did."

I feel like an absolute loser because I made two very bad

choices in the '90s.

I decided to become a lefty liberal and Blackburn Rovers fan and neither

of those things are working out firmly in the long run.

of those things are working out for me in the long run.

Like, last year, I voted to remain in the European caliphate and...

LAUGHTER

..it's not worked out.

I tell you what, over these 50 days, I am really regretting starting that

"strong and stable" drinking game.

I tell you, I have been hammered before Jeremy Kyle every morning

for the last 50 days.

And if you've got "coalition of chaos" as well, oh, jeez.

The only thing that saved me from that was Ramadan, otherwise...

It was an unusual election, not least because...

To call it was opportunistic, because even then, she had got

the gig, she had got the gig as leader of the Conservatives

because they had a shoot out, essentially, like something out

of a Tarantino movie, after Brexit, where they are all standing,

in slow motion, and Gove shot Johnson and then Johnson shot

Cameron and then Cameron shot Leadsom and it was all in slow

motion, bullets flying everywhere and then everyone

was dead and she gets up, like the only minor character,

standing there, and sees the bag with the drugs and the money

and goes, "Hello!"

And walks out with the leadership of the Tory party and it turns out

that then she decides to go into another gunfight again

and she can't do it.

For the rest of this world, this election is completely irrelevant.

And this election will just be remembered as the election that

Russians couldn't even be bothered to hack.

It was a very dull campaign until, excitingly, Theresa May developed

a bug, like the robot in Westworld and could only repeat the same words

over and over again.

I mean, the robots in Westworld have a threatening element to them,

rather than just going, "Well, I've been very clear

"about the question you have just said and let me

repeat it back to you."

Apparently, she didn't turn up to the leaders' debate

because she went to that cheese thing, which was apparently some

awards, and, to be fair, when you look at the pictures,

it does look like a "fun do".

GROANING AND LAUGHTER

Do you know, I genuinely think that's great.

Milton's impressed.

Yeah, I'm having that.

Professional regard going.

Milton's furious, fondue, why didn't I see that!

Why did I not see that coming?

I am cheesed off!

You are grating on me now.

All right, enough.

Enough with the puns.

Babybel.

APPLAUSE

Then she was asked what is the naughtiest

thing you have ever done?

Running through a field of wheat.

She said I ran through a field of wheat once.

It's not naughty if you own the field.

No.

Was she naked?

Oh, I don't think so, no.

No one made those enquiries.

Just checking.

And how old was she?

She was quite young, so therefore that question is really strange.

I think it was during her idyllic...

I was horrified that she might have done it

in the last six months or so.

I don't think it was what was the last thing you have done

in the last week and she was like, I'm just going to step off

the battlebus for a minute.

Just swirl her way.

"Screw you, Farmer Joe!

"This wheat is dead to you now."

It actually what she was doing during the leaders' debate.

Do you know, it would actually have been even better if she hadn't gone

to the leaders' debate because she was just lying

making wheat angels.

I can't wait.

For what?

For the thing that's happening on another channel right now that's

actually already happened?

Were you surprised by the result, James?

Were you surprised by the result, James?

Do you know what, I was shocked.

We all wrote Ukip off and yet...

Here we are.

Slaves forever.

You know, Ukip-Green coalition, all 600 seats either went Ukip

or Green, and you're going to go, how can they work together?

But they have pledged to.

It's great, they are planting new trees and when they grow up,

it just says "Fuck off home."

If they have to get a new leader, they will have to lose the guy...

Nuttall is full value, by the way, in many ways.

Not least that in the middle of the video,

which is shot, I think, on this coastline here, Paul Nuttall for

some reason accidentally walks the wrong way on to a travelator

going the other direction and just brazens it out.

It is worth watching.

This is from the Ukip party election broadcast.

Across Britain, Ukip's army of volunteers hope to...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I like the way he moonwalks his way.

I'm walking, but I'm not moving, I'm not going anywhere.

And a minute later, he was doing, "I'm going down the stairs."

You know, but all the other parties on the other side,

they are all panicking as we speak, aren't they?

The Tories are wondering if they've blown it and the Labour Party

are wondering whether Jeremy Corbyn really can negotiate,

and the Liberal Democrats are worried because if they get just

two more seats, there are going to have to buy a bigger minibus.

It's a shame Amber Rudd didn't stand for the Green party,

because then someone would have had to have said "Amber Rudd,

Green" and that's all the colours of a traffic light.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it was an unusual election to call,

particularly because then she ran against Corbyn,

who...

We have taken the mickey out of Corbyn on this show

because of his Brexit campaign, little knowing that it was a clever

tactic on his part to run the worst Brexit campaign ever and then go,

"Boom, I've got skills!"

when the general election campaign came in.

Didn't you think you did really well on the nuclear question?

Didn't you think he did really well on the nuclear question?

He's going, am I going to press the red button?

Am I going to press the red button?

If anyone asks me that again, I am going to go ballistic.

The thing I found most surprising is when Corbyn

was getting the numbers wrong, the interviewer said, I can see

you are opening your iPad up there.

Jeremy Corbyn's got an iPad?

That's the bigger shock.

I just thought he wrote everything down on beer mats.

Also, I've got a bad feeling about those intuition fees.

APPLAUSE

Why did the Liberal Democrat leader Tim Farron come under pressure

during the campaign?

Well, this is his views, allegedly, on homosexuality,

thinking that homosexuality is a sin.

He is a practising Christian, right?

Which I think means, I don't think you need to be

a practising Christian because if those are his views

on homosexuality, he's got Christianity nailed.

I think what he needs to practice is being a liberal.

His voting record is very, very liberal and he has never

let his views getting...

He just wouldn't not say that it was a sin without checking

with the Pope first.

And it was the first big interview and that was the end.

Why did no one asked Theresa May that question, given

that she is a vicar's daughter?

No point did someone bring that up with her, cos that

would have been interesting.

They can't catch her in the wheat fields.

"We want to know what you think about the gays."

"I've been very clear, I've been very clear!"

"Gays, wheat, gays, wheat."

"Num, num, cheese."

Tim Farron's got an option here, I think he's got

something he can do.

Because remember when Boris Johnson, he wanted to buy water cannons

and he offered to stand in front of a water cannon

to prove that its OK?

to prove that it's OK?

I don't even want you to finish, I can see...

I have a real visual image of what you are about to say

and frankly, that's not going out on the air, right?

Go as far as "Standing in front of a water cannon", Angela Barnes,

and I think we all can finish off that particular idea, right?

Don't draw it.

Don't draw a picture of it.

You see, the thing is, Theresa May is like a headmistress,

Jeremy Corbyn is like a geography teacher but Tim Farron,

the leader of the Lib Dems, is like if somebody said,

"Do you have a bloke called Tim Farron who goes to your school?"

And you'd say, "No, I don't think so."

I started to take to him quite a lot during that leaders' debate.

For example, brilliant impression of Angela Eagle he is doing there.

I started to warm to him and at the end, he had this amazing

mic-drop moment when he said, "Theresa May's boring,

"I would just turn over the channel now to BBC Two and watch Bake Off."

And everyone laughed.

Then I turned over and it was Bake Off Creme de la

Creme and I thought, another Lib Dem failed promise.

Also, I like the fact that he says he's a practising

Christian and in that photo, he is practising to be Jesus.

OK, at the end of that round, the points go

to Ed, James and Tez. APPLAUSE.

Now we play a round called Shaking the Magic Funny Tree.

This game involves Tez and Milton.

So, if you could make your way to the performance area, please.

This round is a stand-up challenge.

I launch the Wheel of News, and wherever it chooses to stop,

one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.

Here we go, let's spin the wheel.

The first subject is Drinking. Who wants to come in on that?

Tez.

Um, hi. Give me a cheer if you like a drink.

AUDIENCE CHEER.

Cool, I don't drink, because I'm not an infidel.

But the reason I bring it up is because last summer I got

invited to a stag do.

And that stag do was in Benidorm.

Thing is, the whole time I was in Benidorm,

because I genuinely don't drink, I was a bit like...

You know that guy who goes to Alton Towers but he just

holds the bags and the coats

when everyone else goes on the rides?

That's what it felt like for me in Benidorm.

Genuinely.

I've never touched a single drop of alcohol in my life.

I tell a lie.

There might have been this one time -

in Benidorm.

So I'm out with the lads, it's a stag do.

I'm stagging it. Text book, just having a great time.

I came back to our table and there's glasses on there

filled with clear liquid.

I picked up, quite innocently, what I thought was my lemonade.

Took a sip of it, spat it back out, turned out to be vodka and lemonade

and I'd never drunk before, so the vodka really

burnt my mouth.

I felt awful because it was breaking one of the rules

of my religion for the very first time.

#A big deal.

At that moment, I just took step back and, honestly,

genuinely, hand on heart, just really wished that

I hadn't smoked so much weed before I left the hotel.

APPLAUSE.

Mum, if you're watching this, weed is street slang for basil.

Thank you very much.

OK, that leaves us with Milton.

Let's see what your topic is. Let's spin the wheel.

And the topic is communication. Away you go.

Recently, I've joined the group Eavesdroppers Anonymous,

not that they know.

I wouldn't like to burgle my house.

Well, it would be pointless, wouldn't it?

Stealing things I already own.

Missiles, missiles.

They don't even sound accurate.

If your name is Andre,

don't end your texts with a kiss.

As early as 1724, Sir Tim Montague had the idea for the Post-It note

but he'd nothing to write it down on.

So if you're at a party and you spill some red wine

on a white carpet, the best thing to do is to get some

ordinary table salt, throw it in the face of the host -

and make a run for it.

Annoying, isn't it, when you go shopping and you buy something

and you get it home and then you see the sticker, buy one get one free.

Argh.

And you think, I could have got another shoe!

APPLAUSE. Thank you very much.

And the points at the end of that round go to Tez, well done.

Everyone come and sit back.

Our next round is called Picture of the Week.

I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell

me what is happening. So, what is going on here?

Dear Santa,

for Christmas I would like a shorter tie.

C-O-V?F?E-F-E.

He's sitting in the wrong chair, anyway.

That chair is reserved for the seal of the President

of the United States.

It is one of the great shows of power

for a visiting dignitary, if they go, "Oh you're not impressed

with my military might? Have you met my seal?"

And then the seal comes out and goes...

MAKES SEAL NOISES.

Even Putin went

HE IMITATES RUSSIAN ACCENT: "Must get seal."

I think he's been set lines, he's just having to write "I must not

use my phone unsupervised" over and over again.

Do you think the woman there is thinking, "Oh, no, if someone

chucks a grenade, now my last words are going to be 'Donald duck'.

Is he drawing round his hands to prove the haters wrong?

Yeah. I just counted.

He's got four different haircuts. On one head.

Yeah, he's swept back, parted, lifted over and crossed to the side.

It is quite a complicated look.

He's quite diverse, isn't he? Which is ironic.

That does look a little bit like a vagina

on the side of his head.

I wouldn't know.

So what is the major news story of the week?

He withdrew from the Paris Climate Accord.

Indeed he did, thank you very much, Hugh.

APPLAUSE.

Trump's very green, man.

He is the greenest.

Out of all the leaders in the whole

world, he has done the most to combat global warming.

Because, let me tell you, that travel ban, that reduces

so many people's carbon footprints, it's unreal.

He's a clever guy.

If all of us started banning people from other countries,

less people would fly and we wouldn't have

a problem on our hands.

So he's pulled out of the Paris agreement,

he pulled out of Trans-Pacific Partnership

and I don't think I'm the only one who wishes that his dad

had just pulled out of his mum.

APPLAUSE.

Yes, er...

He said he was going to do this didn't he?

He did. It was a campaign promise.

Before he was elected he said, "I'm going to pull out

of the Paris Accord."

So how come the only time there's a politician who does what they say

he's an absolute nutter?

It is a cruel irony that we have to face

that he's probably the most honest politician there is.

Everyone in the States has got really angry about it and in Boston,

they lit up their government building with green lights.

Because that's how you protest climate change, isn't it?

Extra lights.

We will protect the environment, flick a few more switches there!

In protest to Donald Trump's decision we will be

starting this tyre fire.

But there is a thing. It's like, we see him here.

What's going on here for example? It's like, we see him here.

Is this the worst nativity play in the world?

Is this a sequel to Snakes On A Plane?

Sheikhs on a Buggy?

Is that Donald Trump massively regretting

using Uberpool for the first time?

APPLAUSE.

Don't you think he's a nightmare for parents, Donald Trump?

Because all over the world parents are going, "Look if you don't study

and you don't listen and you think you know everything,

actually you'll be fine."

The nice thing about travelling in a place

where they write Arabic is that all spaghetti is

Alpahetti Spagbetti.

Doesn't he remind you of like the horrible kid

at school that everyone hated but his parents had a swimming pool.

It was a nice swimming pool and my mum

and dad worked hard for it.

Moving on, what new mission has Nasa unveiled?

It's a mission to the sun.

Yes, they're sending a thing to the sun.

Why are they doing that? Are they going to see how hot it is?

Hot it is, yeah. Apparently it's actually very hot.

Oh, and...

But Nasa can't quite work out how many

"verys" to put before hot.

It's either very, very hot or very, very, very hot.

And there's every chance the closer we get the more hot it gets.

Oh that's amazing. What's the equipment?

Are they taking a thermometer and some factor...

No they're taking...

You lick a finger...

White people will literally do anything for a good tan.

Apparently, it's so hot, it's two thirds as hot

as a Samsung Galaxy.

They're not actually going all the way to the sun, are they?

They're going like four million miles away from the sun so it's

like travelling Ryanair going to London Stansted.

Yes.

How far away is the sun?

93 million miles away.

93 million miles away? I tell you what.

It's still hot from here.

I got sunburnt in Kettering.

Yeah, I see the technical difficulty you're raising there.

They shouldn't be sending stuff near it if it's that hot.

I didn't know that.

Abort this mission.

Maybe it's a rescue mission to rescue that baby

from the Teletubbies.

They could make a really good episode of A Place in the Sun.

Ron and Marjorie would like to spend the winter in the sun.

Why are they actually going there?

To examine the surface of the sun.

Look at you know...

We already know what the sun is made of.

It's right-wing propaganda and tits.

APPLAUSE.

I'd like to volunteer to be an astronaut in that case, Dara.

One thing I love is right-wing titties.

APPLAUSE.

OK, at the end of that round the points go

to Angela, Hugh and Milton.

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.

So if everyone can make their way over to the performance area.

I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see

what our panellists can come up with.

OK, here we go.

The first subject is - things you didn't hear

during the election.

The truth!

And representing the Conservatives, Theresa May.

I promise to deliver a hard Brexit.

Unless you're not in and then I'll leave it with your neighbour,

which is Europe, I haven't thought that through.

The Scottish people have spoken.

Did anyone understand what they were saying?

Here at the BBC we need balance.

Jeremy Corbyn's shit.

So the polls have closed.

Untie Boris!

Please welcome this month's Gay Times cover star Tim Farron.

I am the returning officer ?

and it's great to be back.

I do not make U-turns.

But more importantly, I do make U-turns.

Hello and welcome to the Take Me Out all-night election special.

Let the ballot see the box.

Would you press the red button?

Mr Corbyn, would you press the red button?

We've been stuck in this lift for 20 minutes.

Taxes will be so low if you vote for me.

Jimmy Carr.

This is my Pledge.

Get your own furniture polish.

I've got a great plan to save the NHS.

First, we leave the EU, then use the extra 350...

Huh?

Can I interest anyone in a free bus?

Hello, welcome to Newsnight.

Theresa May, Jeremy Corbyn, Tim Farron.

Shag, marry, kill.

I am the returning officer.

Yes, OK, Jeremy Corbyn may have Stormzy, but I have Gary Barlow.

Take that.

I'm going to create so much new housing,

a series of one-room flats, with an amzing view of London.

Also, unrelated, I'm closing the London Eye.

One person in this election has consistently

brought up green things.

HE MAKES A SNORTING NOISE.

Me, Caroline Mucus.

So it looks like the Tory majority is going to be

exactly the same as it was.

What a fucking waste of time that was.

CHEERING.

OK, the next topic is Unlikely Lines From

a Cosmetics Commercial.

Are you an older woman struggling with her facial hair?

Try Gillette - the best a nan can get.

Would you like lashes with more volume?

SHE SHOUTS: Lashes!

You don't need lip liner or eye liner

with our new bin liner.

What goes into our true, naked, infallable, moisture,

crushing, nature, colour palette, body moisturiSer?

A selection of random words that mean fuck all.

What's my secret for smooth skin?

I'm 20.

Is your hair out of control?

Do you wear wacky shirts?

Well, hey, you're great just how you are.

Do you want fuller, rounder lips?

I recommend a nut allergy.

Are you tired of missing out on the opportunities

that your peers get?

Try white privilege foundation.

Here comes the science.

Global warming is real, none of this matters!

HE IMITATES GERMAN ACCENT:

We in the German city of Cologne have a fragrance called Birmingham.

This apricot scrub removes the surface layers to leave

you with the smoothest, most rejuvenated apricot

you have ever seen.

And for one last time, it's me, the returning officer.

This product makes your lashes look really big.

By shrinking your eyeballs.

Want that football hooligan abroad look?

Why not try Oil of Olay, Olay, Olay!

Sorry, has anyone seen the returning officer?

Any messages?

Our new powder gives you the confidence to hit the town.

Cocaine!

APPLAUSE.

OK, at the end of that round the points go

to Milton, Hugh and Angela.

And that's the end of the show.

This week's winners are Tez Ilyas, James Acaster and Ed Gamble.

Commiserations to Milton Jones, Hugh Dennis and Angela Barnes.

Thank you for watching.

I'm Dara O Briain.

Good night.