Episode 2 Mock the Week

This programme contains some strong language.

# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

# Read all about it

# Read all about it

# News of the world News of the world

# Read all about it

# Read all about it

# News of the world News of the world. #

CHEERING

Hello and welcome to Mock the Week.

I'm Dara O Briain.

Joining me this week are Nish Kumar, Zoe Lyons and Ed Gamble,

Rhys James, Hugh Dennis and James Acaster.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We start with a round called If This is the Answer,

What is the Question? On the board are six categories.

Rhys, which category would you like?

I will have Politics, please.

Politics? Very hot right now, Politics.

The answer is...8.

What is the question?

Is it, how many people does Diane Abbott think are in S Club 7?

Is it, how many bottles of champagne

did Theresa May pour down the sink on Thursday?

Is it, how many days will Richard Hammond now have to spend

renewing his car insurance?

-Low.

-He's fine. He's fine.

-He's fine!

Is it, how old was I when my parents forgot to take me on holiday

and I had to defend the house against some burglars?

Really? How many burglars?

Two of them. I had to booby trap the whole place,

and do you know what, Dara?

I'm not proud of this. I damn near killed them.

Is it, er, what would the voting age have to be

for Corbyn to have won the election?

GROANS

Is it, how many people still think

this whole Brexit thing was a good idea?

Is it the number of times Jeremy Corbyn has shouted,

"Now, this is strong and stable for you,"

whilst grabbing his cock and balls?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It feels that the sentiment is accurate,

but yet somehow I just don't see him doing it, somehow.

It's a very risque joke coming from me tonight

given that I've come dressed as a brown reverend.

You are.

Breverend is your look.

Is it, the supermodel got fired because she what?

AUDIENCE BOOS

-What? They are thin!

-Are you booing him, or society?

-Is it an all-supermodel audience?

-Yes.

No.

What, you don't boo that? He's just called you all fat!

He literally called you ugly.

This...

And he's not a reverend, he can't do that.

That's not God talking, right there.

Beware the wrath of the chocolate Vicar of Dibley.

I thought it was only MY family that said that.

Is it, how many times an hour

do I watch that GIF of Jeremy Corbyn high-fiving a boob?

-Just right on the knocker, isn't it?

-Oh, I love it.

Imagine what he would have done if he'd won?

Is it, when I took my driving test,

how many minors did I hit?

Does anyone know what the actual correct answer is?

-Yes.

-How many days till the next election?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

More correctly, how many seats

is Theresa May short of an overall majority?

Absolutely right, thank you very much, Hugh.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, the question I was looking for was, by how many seats

did the Conservative Party fall short of an overall majority

at this year's general election?

Did you watch it? Did you sit back?

-I loved it.

-Great, isn't it?

It's the most British election I ever thought I would see,

because no-one wanted it to happen, nothing has really changed,

and the only people happy are the losers.

-Oh, it's great, isn't it?

-Perfect.

It is the most victorious loss I've seen

since the Jamaican bobsleigh team in Cool Runnings.

Corbyn kissing his lucky egg.

Don't you call Diane Abbott an egg.

Apologies.

So it sort of felt like they campaigned on quite diffuse things.

Like Labour were talking about, you know, schools and hospitals

and Theresa May kept talking about British values.

The problem is British values

mean different things to different people.

To some people, they mean sort of openness, tolerance

and a sense that you should be able to achieve whatever you want

regardless of where you're born,

and to other people, it means white people.

LAUGHTER

Yeah!

Well, thanks, Rhys, for coming in and balancing off the panel,

because, er, we haven't had any just OPENLY racist people on.

We do get a lot of criticism for being a bit leftie,

you know, liberal, and all that, so it's been useful to have you in.

It's a pleasure to represent my people.

LAUGHTER

But, yeah, exciting as it unfolded as well, the, er...

It was pretty sweet because she called the election

cos she was just showing off about trying to get the landslide,

trying to show how strong she was.

It's like watching someone flex their muscles

and then straining too hard and immediately shitting themselves.

What's the difference between a podium and a plinth?

Well, that is...

That's a lectern.

-Yeah, idiot.

-A podium is the thing that you kind of, that stands on,

-isn't it?

-A plinth is something a statue is on.

You place a podium on a plinth,

but you can't place a plinth on a podium.

That sounds like a tongue twister.

This is the kind of Irish wisdom we can all look forward to.

APPLAUSE

Which neatly brings us to the Democratic Unionist Party,

who are the new power brokers.

Let me just reassure you that you may be enjoying my work

or Graham Norton's work or Terry Wogan's work.

The DUP are not in the whimsical end of Irish politics.

They're not in the gentle comedy of the, ahh,

slightly wry look at life,

they're in the "chaining up swings on a Sunday so children can't play"

school of Irish politics.

Why didn't you never tell us about them?

Because frankly...

You never... 12 years or whatever this show's been going for

and you're just going, "Ahhh" and all the stuff you normally say,

that "they won't let me fight the robots on Robot Wars" or whatever.

I think, just give me one round,

ONE ROUND, where I can fight the robots with a weapon of MY choice!

And we'll see who's the winner there. Who's lord NOW, Mr Killalot?

Why have I not told you about the pleasures of the DUP?

Because you ain't ready for the DUP.

Wait till you meet the people who don't believe in dinosaurs.

That is...

They are so homophobic, it's amazing.

One of their councillors blamed us gays for natural disasters

and do you know what?

I quite like those mad bastards for that sort of thing,

because there are days when I feel I haven't achieved enough in my life.

And I just feel they protest too much, cos they love a parade

and WE love a parade.

APPLAUSE

One of them was on the council

and somebody applied to put on Oktoberfest,

to hold an Oktoberfest,

and he said, "That's fine," but then tried to ban beer.

They're not the party party. Let's put it that way.

Oktoberfest without beer is just sausage and lederhosen

and no-one wants that.

There's sort of constantly been an obsession with sort of what

Labour might do and even after the election,

there's been an obsession with Labour ministers having to U-turn

because they supported Jeremy Corbyn,

but surely the DUP thing is the biggest U-turn of all,

to go with the other U-turns on social care

and the fact that Theresa May campaigned for Remain

and is now pushing for a Brexit so aggressive,

Pret a Manger's going to have to change its name to Lunch Innit.

APPLAUSE

Do you remember seven years ago,

when our biggest problem was vuvuzelas?

And we were all like, "Oh, that's a bit annoying, that noise."

Now we're like, "Turn it up,

"I can't listen to the news for one more second."

It was an incredible election night, but what's going on here?

Is it a bloke helping Elmo to do up his fly?

Oh, my God - Elmo's turned Nazi.

It's just a perfectly normal example of a fully-grown man dressed as Elmo

stood near a child's playground.

It's perfectly innocent, nothing's going on.

It's just a classic fancy dress election.

You got Elmo, a bouncer,

Phil Mitchell, Cruella de Vil and Woody Allen.

LAUGHTER

Who else stood against Theresa May in Maidenhead?

-Lord Buckethead.

-Oh, well done.

Why did he? Because presumably, he's got a seat in the House of Lords.

What's he doing there?

It looks in that picture like they've hired someone

to make Theresa May look more human.

APPLAUSE

Um, petty gripe, but his head is NOT a bucket.

So it is yet another lie from a politician.

Unbelievable.

Also, if his eyes are where the slit is in that helmet...

..he's got a fucking weird head.

It is, yeah. I'll give you that. It is unusual.

That's probably why he wears the bucket.

If he didn't, he'd be very self conscious about that.

He's got this huge, weird, pencil-shaped head,

with the eyes just right at the top like a couple of antennas.

"I'm going to have to put a bucket over this,

"otherwise people won't take me seriously."

He's got a lot of letters in his head, that's all I know.

People would have posted stuff in there over the years, wouldn't they?

That's how he gets other people's votes.

He just sits there in the voting booth.

"Thank you very much."

"Did that one just talk to me?

"It just shook its head, I swear to God."

What was one of the main reasons for Labour's success in the election?

They got more votes than everyone was expecting.

OK, that's...

We all voted. Me and all the rest of the Scouts.

We got down there and we voted.

We did, didn't we? We kids did it.

-And the grime stars.

-We young people. We... Me and...Stormzy.

I am waiting for someone to go, "It's Storms-i."

Before now, Dara thought a grime star

was Barry Scott from Cillit Bang.

When you realise Corbyn is more hip than you, I was like...

When I heard that JME was supporting him, I was like,

"I've never heard of this union. Who ARE they?"

That was the other problem for the Tories - because they couldn't get

the elderly to vote because the elderly who normally go to

the polling station were worried that while they were out,

the Tories would sell their house and send them to a care home.

APPLAUSE

Also it certainly signals the death of traditional media

for young people, anyway. I mean this -

this is, this is DEAD, dead, people,

this thing, this.

What?! I just got on this bloody show!

-Yeah, man.

-I just do this to get on GIFs.

That's the only reason.

-Do one now.

-I'll do one now.

Surprise? Yeah.

That'll be all over the internet in a week.

It's grand. That's where I make all my money, on GIFs, these days,

it really is, like...

You package it up into tiny five-second bits of...

HE MOUTHS: No.

LAUGHTER

George Osborne was on ITV, wasn't he,

laughing like a lunatic during the election coverage.

Where was David Cameron? I assume

he was on the phone to the Guinness Book of Records, getting them

to change their category for "Biggest fuck-up by a Conservative".

OK, at the end of that round,

the points go to Rhys, Hugh and James.

APPLAUSE

Now we play a round called, "Should I May or Should I Go?"

-This game...

-Ah, class.

Thank you.

..involves Rhys and Nish.

So if you could make your way to the performance area, please.

This round is a stand-up challenge.

I launch the Wheel of News, and wherever it chooses to stop,

one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.

OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.

And the first subject is Courage.

Rhys.

I'm a very courageous person.

Like the other day, I was walking home from a night out

and I got myself a kebab,

even though I knew full well that back home,

I had run out of Gaviscon.

Wow.

We've got a bad ass in the room at LAST.

Tell you what, though -

I am not courageous enough to be honest to a taxi driver.

Rule 1 of being a comedian -

do not tell a taxi driver you are a comedian.

They expect too much from the relationship, right,

like either they want you to tell them a joke - for free - or...

..they want to tell YOU a joke which is often morally all over the place.

So you have to lie to them, right, but that's nerve-racking.

I was in a taxi the other day and I freaked out.

My mind just went blank when I got in the taxi.

I was there, I was nervous, my palms were sweaty, my knees were weak,

my arms were heavy, it was very familiar,

and I was just,

I was freaking out, cos I knew he'd ask that question.

He was going to say, "What do you do for a living?"

I'm in the back, thinking, "Rhys, don't panic,

"just say the first thing that comes to your head."

He turns around, "What do you do for a living, mate?"

And I went, "Taxi driver." Just a nightmare.

I mean, say what you see,

but he didn't speak to me for the rest of the journey,

so I now do it every time.

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much, Rhys James.

OK, so that leaves Nish.

Let's see what your topic is. Let's spin the wheel.

And the topic is Race.

I'll take this one, Rhys.

LAUGHTER

Difficult and interesting time to be a non-white person living in Britain

right now, but I THINK things are improving,

especially to be a non-white comedian, cos ten years ago,

I got some advice from a former agent.

She said, "Nish,

"you should stop mentioning on stage that you're not white."

And I was like, "People are going to know."

I'm not exactly flying under the radar, race-wise here.

So a couple of weeks later, I got offered an audition in a sitcom.

Now, that part required me to do what was cheerfully referred to in

the script as "the accent", right.

LAUGHTER

Weren't talking about French, were they?

When that came in, I said,

"There's absolutely no way that I'm going to do that,

"it's cheap, it's Uncle Tom,

"it's selling out my entire cultural heritage".

And she said, "This is the problem with you, Nish -

"you take a too high-minded approach.

"You'll never be successful in comedy

"because you will never do comedy that relates to

"the man in the factory." And when she said that I said,

"I don't really relate to your paradigm of the man in the factory.

"I think what you're trying to say is that I should appeal

"to as high a percentage of the British population as possible,

"but in the '80s, we shifted from a manufacturing-

"to a service-based economy,

"so actually, if you wanted to talk about most of the British public,

"what you should have said is, the man who works in the shop,

"or the man who works in a hotel.

And she said, "I mean, this is EXACTLY what I'm talking about."

Thank you very much, Nish.

The points in that round go to... Rhys James.

Come back!

Our next round is called Picture Of The Week.

I show the panel a topical image

and ask them to tell me what's happening. So what's going on here?

She's just moved into the White House, hasn't she?

So, he's probably saying, "Don't ever try and escape again."

Is he saying, "Just smile for the cameras,

"and as a little treat later, we WON'T have sex"?

Is she saying, "Where are my eyes?"

Is he saying, "So, how long ago did you form Aerosmith?"

She's probably saying, "Can we just go round this grassy knoll?

"One more time?"

Anyone know what it ACTUALLY is?

Melania Trump finally moved to Washington this week.

Indeed she did. Thank you very much, Ed Gamble, yes.

Yes, it's a picture of Donald Trump and Melania

at the White House this week.

Melania's finally joined her husband in the White House

after spending the first five months of his presidency in New York.

She looks very happy about it, doesn't she?

I think she's packed all her most important stuff.

Her prized possession, her favourite pillow to scream into at night.

You know, now that she's moved into the White House,

all first ladies take up a kind of charitable cause and stuff,

and hers is, before the election,

she decided hers was going to be cyber bullying...

-Yes.

-..and social media.

And you think, "All she needs to do is just tell him to stop it."

APPLAUSE

Melania tweeted a photo of her at the White House,

saying she couldn't wait to make some memories in her new home,

and those memories will presumably include her husband being impeached

and cupboard sex with her bodyguard.

What else has he been accused of this week?

Well, lying, I guess.

That's the general idea.

-Specific lies?

-So he's in this problem, isn't he?

James Comey, who was the head of the FBI, who he sacked

for investigating his links with Russia.

-Yeah.

-Now, it's the cover-up he's being accused of, isn't it?

That he got rid of him in order to, you know...

-How tall is James Comey?

-Six foot eight.

-It is not the look you want in a spy, is it?

-No.

American politics is so much more badass than British politics.

They've got the ex-head of the FBI testifying against the president

because the Russians might have rigged the election.

We've got a man with a bucket on his head and a fish finger.

A fantastic interaction... At one point, they had a discussion,

Trump and Comey together, and Trump turned to Comey and said,

"I want loyalty."

And Comey said that he just stood there, not saying anything,

hoping that he could get out of this moment,

and eventually HAD to say something

and said, "I can promise you honesty."

And Trump said, "Yes - honest loyalty."

What?! That is like going to a lady, "I want sex,"

and she says, "We can be friends,"

and you go, "Yes - sex friends.

"Good to know we're on the same page here."

It's like he's genuinely upset that Comey's talking about stuff.

They had a discussion in the Oval Office, and now Trump is going,

-"He's a leaker."

-To be fair, most men Trump's age are leakers anyway,

aren't they? Whether they want to be or not.

Quite often, he pays for it.

Isn't calling him a leaker basically saying it is definitely true?

-Yes, it is.

-Shouldn't he be calling him a liar?

If someone accused me of murder and I went,

"Well, someone's a chatterbox, aren't they?"

APPLAUSE

Trump's got to be careful of all these lies, man.

It gets you in trouble. Let me tell you a story, Dara.

I'm always happy for James's story time.

It's about a little boy named Pinocchio.

He was a little wooden puppet

who came to life cos he was possessed by a demon, and...

and he would go around and he would lie to everyone because...

Well, because of the devil. And then all the villagers,

they put him on a bonfire and they burnt his soul to ash,

and Trump should learn, you never trust a puppet.

I think we've all learned an important lesson there.

You fucking idiot.

Do another one. Another one!

No! Literally, no.

I want to hear James's version of the Bible.

-In the beginning...

-No.

APPLAUSE

Although...I would like the DUP to hear this.

What has Trump allegedly put on hold?

-His trip to London.

-His trip to London.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

See? See!

Typical liberal BBC audience.

What were you worried about, mate? They're clapping you right now.

It's a bit sort of weird, isn't it?

This is the man who said he would take on Isis,

and he's not coming cos he's scared

of a few Guardian readers with placards.

He's made a huge mistake as well.

He's named... The new British ambassador from the US

is called Woody Johnson,

who is perhaps the most American-named man of all time.

He may as well have gone, "The new ambassador is called Hamburger Gun."

The name Woody Johnson is essentially Penis Penis.

LAUGHTER

Old Double Dick rolling into town.

"Double Dick's running late again."

Always keeps you waiting, does Double Dick.

The most American man I've ever met

was a man who was called Randy Yanker.

Genuinely called Randy Yanker.

People don't know this, but Hugh used to be a porn star.

You say "used to be"...

It was Huge Dennis, wasn't that the name?

LAUGHTER

You're not wrong.

This is a job for Huge Dennis.

And Dennis is a slight misspelling.

What might be the next breakthrough

in the field of artificial intelligence?

What's happened is, robots have been given self-doubt.

-They have.

-As proven by Theresa May's election campaign.

APPLAUSE

-Beautiful.

-We can all go home.

ROBOTICALLY: Strong and stable, strong and stable,

strong and stable... SPEEDS UP: ..strong and stable...

LAUGHTER

OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Zoe and Nish.

Now, we come to Scenes We'd Like To See,

so if everyone could make their way over to the performance area,

I'll read out this week's topics,

then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

OK, here we go.

The first subject is...

Well, that was a sticky moment. Last time I tickle a sperm whale.

BUZZER

It's been said that male cows don't defecate, but as you can see,

that's bullshit.

BUZZER

The best way to tell the difference

between an Indian and an African elephant

is that one of them is an elephant.

BUZZER

Hello, I'm not an elephant.

BUZZER

Told ya.

The baboon is one of the most sophisticated primates.

Would you LOOK at the arse on that!

BUZZER

And the reason why geese fly in a V-formation

is to act as chevrons for aeroplanes.

BUZZER

Coming up, a couple of rhinos banging

and some monkeys fingerblasting each other,

on Extremely Blue Planet.

BUZZER

And what a magnificent scene,

the monkey's lifting the lion cub towards the sun,

and I'm being removed from the theatre for talking.

BUZZER

Dawn rises on the Serengeti.

Dawn has no idea how she got there.

BUZZER

The gibbon is widely considered to be the most frequent masturbator

in the entire animal kingdom.

We'll see about that.

BUZZER

Hello, mates.

I'm Danny Dyer, and welcome to Britain's Longest Dogs.

BUZZER

The camel can walk across the sand because of its toes,

or as scientists call them, fanny outlines.

BUZZER

And here we have a tiger happily eating Frosties.

Tonight's episode is dedicated to the memory of our cameraman,

Charles Frosties.

And here we see two majestic "birds of pray",

or "nuns", as they're also called.

Here we have a woodchuck, also known as a groundhog,

prompting the question,

"How much ground could a groundhog hog

"if a groundhog could hog ground?"

As the three lions circle the female, we ask,

"When will footballers learn that no means no?"

GROANS

BUZZER

The crab scuttles into view.

I should have used the special shampoo again.

BUZZER

And today, we'll be talking about one of the largest land mammals

to ever walk the earth...

your mum!

OK, the next topic is...

No, should have gone to SpecSavers.

LAUGHTER

My name's Ed.

What's it short for?

Don't know, it's just always been like that.

BUZZER

You had me at hello,

which is why most of my friends think I'm a bit of a slag.

BUZZER

Your father must have been a thief,

and I'm going to catch him if it's the last thing I do.

Your father's going to prison!

It's a loyalty card.

Every ten shags, I buy you a present.

BUZZER

Hey, are you a parking ticket?

Cos I picked you up on the street, and now I can't afford to pay you.

Love is blind, and so am I,

now let me feel your face so I know you're not a munter.

BUZZER

I'd say my approach to sex

is a lot like the Government's approach to Brexit -

I go in hard and then pull out

when I realise I have no idea what I'm doing.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

BUZZER

Oh, so when you sit there

seductively licking your lips, that's sexy,

but when I do it, I'm "weird" and should "get off your lips"?

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

You look like a million dollars -

less impressive than you would have done ten years ago.

BUZZER

I like my men like I like...women.

BUZZER

APPLAUSE

Hey, girl, you must be tired, cos you look real tired.

Get some rest, lady!

BUZZER

Well, I hope you're nothing like my ex-girlfriend.

She was so demanding! Always asked me to text her when I got in.

That's how small my penis is.

BUZZER

So do you...come here often?

To this STD clinic?

BUZZER

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together,

which is why I was fired from my job as an English teacher.

Roses are red, violets are red,

you are red, the sky is red.

I'm bleeding in the eyes.

BUZZER

You've got an arse that just won't quit...

despite calling an election and losing a majority.

BUZZER

You don't look like you did through the binoculars!

APPLAUSE

BUZZER

If I said you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?

While I cry on your shoulder? I'm so lonely, God, I'm so lonely.

BUZZER

On the first date, I always like to go Dutch.

I don't mean I split the bill,

but I'll do some really kinky stuff in clogs.

BUZZER

I like my women like I like my coffee -

always getting my name wrong.

BUZZER

If you were on an Indian menu,

you would have three chillies next to you,

because you make me shit myself.

BUZZER

At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Zoe and Nish.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And that's the end of the show.

This week's winners are Nish Kumar, Zoe Lyons and Ed Gamble.

CHEERING

Commiserations to Rhys James, Hugh Dennis and James Acaster.

CHEERING

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.

# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

# Read all about it

# Read all about it

# News of the world News of the world. #