Episode 3 Mock the Week

This programme contains some strong language

# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

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# News of the world, news of the world

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# News of the world, news of the world. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.

Joining me this week are Nish Kumar, Kerry Godliman

and Ed Gamble, Gary Delaney,

Hugh Dennis and Angela Barnes.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We start with a round called Picture Of The Week.

I show the panel a topical image

and ask them to tell me what's happening.

So, what's going on here?

I know it's an endlessly comic image.

Is that when you know you're about to lose your job

so you nick loads and loads of stationery?

Is she running late for an empathy workshop?

Is she saying, "Finally, I'm finished my CV!

"Now off to the Jobcentre"?

Or is that her photo album that's called

My Highlights As Prime Minister, and it's completely empty?

I'm surprised she's getting out the car there.

Look at the roof - there's a shark in the background.

Is she taking round her own leaving day card?

-NISH:

-Which would be the saddest thing in the world.

We're getting something for me...Theresa, I mean,

just as kind of a goodbye thing.

So we're all putting in £5 for me...Theresa.

Some people put euro in. They were taking the piss.

She loves that car that goes 0-60 in a few seconds,

which is exactly the opposite of her majority.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm not saying that she's grey, but if it wasn't for those folders,

I'd say that was a black-and-white photo.

Has she been kicked out of her cab for asking to do too many U-turns?

I wonder if she's getting out so fast because she's noticed

that Richard Hammond is driving.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Let's have... Yeah.

It's the Prime Minister, Theresa May.

-As we record, it is the Prime Minister.

-Yes.

Yes, you're right, Nish Kumar, you're absolutely right.

Thank you very much. APPLAUSE

I mean, it's getting to the point where this show...

It's like Game Of Thrones in the real world.

I'm just saying, it's too much news.

Westeros needs a period of stability.

Do you think she'll cling on as leader?

She's lost her authority, cos she apparently...

Her glare doesn't work now, since the election.

Like, before the election, she just had to...

-Shit, Kerry!

-Exactly.

She'd just do a look and everyone would, like,

-clam up and go, "All right."

-Do the look again. Buh!

-Once you've lost it, apparently...

-You won't get it back.

It's like a sort of deputy head crying in a stationery cupboard.

People are actually calling her the caretaker PM now. But that's not...

A caretaker does not do that, a caretaker is supposed to

return the property in better or the same condition.

But like every caretaker in Scooby-Doo history,

she can genuinely go,

"I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for those meddling kids."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Why did we give them the vote?"

There are 318 MPs and they've got to find one who's better than

Theresa May, which narrows it down to 317.

I felt sorry for the Conservatives in their last leadership election

because I know all about what it's like when

your Johnson fails to stand at a crucial moment.

The press are using analogies of everyone circling round her,

about to try and pounce like it's sort of

a prey-predator wildlife situation.

But in those, when you watch those,

there's like an antelope running away, doing its best to survive.

If this was a nature programme, Theresa May as an antelope is

just her running over and over again into a brick wall until she's dead.

Then the lions just wander over and pick at her corpse.

In which there are no lions, because she's a self-injuring gazelle

surrounded by other gazelles just nudging at her, going...

Not wanting to be the gazelle that steps forward.

She hasn't got any mates left, has she?

Cos her advisors have gone now. Nick Timothy, is it?

He looks like a hipster. That's very confusing.

When you've got the bloke from Mumford & Sons that looks like

he runs a real ale brewery is a Tory, you're like, what?

-And he's got two first names, which is greedy.

-Yeah.

Women don't do that.

Men do the Nick Timothy two first names thing,

you don't get Sarah Clare, Joanna Allison.

Women don't have two first names, they don't go in for that.

I am now just...

It's not funny but it's true.

Marie Claire?

-Hey, whoa, whoa, Theresa May. Did you say Theresa May?

-Oh, yeah!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Boom!

I have never seen anyone's point so immediately destroyed.

-Look at that massive photo.

-Theresa May, Theresa May.

That's how badly things are going for her,

we literally forgot she was a thing.

I think it's inevitable she's going to resign at some point.

The big question is who she's going to send out to do it for her.

She can't win because Brexiteers are saying if you change anything

we'll try and get rid of you, and the Remainers are saying,

if you don't change anything we will try and get rid of you.

The only Conservative at the moment who is at all happy is

David Cameron, who's been laughing for the last week and a half.

He's like the kind of bloke who brakes really hard

on the motorway, David Cameron,

and he causes a massive pile-up and he just drives off,

and then he watches it that night on the news and goes,

"Blimey, I nearly got caught up in that."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

She's doing everything so wrong.

Every decision she makes is the one

that the least amount of people agree with.

Does she think she's playing Pointless?

What has she done about the next year's Queen's Speech?

She's cancelled it,

and the Queen is furious because she's on a zero-hours contract.

She should riff the Queen's speech.

Like, if she's angry it's been cancelled,

this year she should just throw in loads of stuff that she wants.

She just suddenly at the end goes,

"Oh, and free Nando's for all Queens."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Or just stuff that the government definitely can't do

to screw them over. Like just start going,

"Oh, also, Freddos will be 10p again and you can download orgasms."

But isn't that one of the things they're trying to put on...?

What, Freddos being 10p again?

-Yeah.

-I don't get the... What is it?

Sorry, there is a generation thing with the Freddo.

-Let it go with the Freddo.

-What do you mean?

-What's your problem with the Freddo?

-What is a Freddo?

As a representative of young people, let me rap wit' ya, Dara.

I'm just saying, everyone is obsessed with the cost of Freddos.

Just because you come from a time where you could buy

a house for 10p...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

In other news, which major political figure resigned recently?

I know Tim Farron did, but I don't know if anyone else did.

Is it worth re-electing another leader of the Lib Dems?

Like, is it worth it? There's only 12 of them in Parliament.

It's like the waiter at Nando's. You know, what are you for?

I feel a little bit sorry for him.

I do a little bit, because he thought, you know,

leader of a major political party, you make it into the history books.

All he's actually going to be in five years' time

is the answer to a really bloody difficult question in a pub quiz.

I love his video, his leaving video,

cos, like, he was really earnest and then the phone kept ringing,

and you could see this woman just go out of shot to answer it,

and I wanted it to be a journalist and hand it to Tim and go,

"Yeah, but do you think gay sex is a sin?"

That would have been perfect.

-Who is running for the Lib Dem leader, then?

-Vince Cable.

-Vince Cable.

-That's kind of ridiculous, because he's 74.

So by the time there's a next election,

he'll be 74.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I really like seeing Vince Cable coming back.

It's sort of comforting, isn't it? Back to a lovelier time.

It's like when you see William Hague.

I'm even nostalgic now for Bush, you know, and I thought that

would only happen when I was watching internet pornography.

You get the nostalgic kind of thing of, oh, you know...

Oh, three years ago, wasn't it lovely?

Yeah. Oh, Freddos, 10p.

-What is a Freddo?

-It's a small...

I don't know what a Freddo is.

It's like a chocolate bar with soft caramel inside it.

Kerry, it's basically their generation's finger of Fudge.

-Oh, right.

-I do beg your pardon?

-You know finger of Fudge, right?

-Yeah.

I genuinely for years thought they had pepper in...

-Yes, yes!

-..to the extent that when I ate them,

I imagined I could taste pepper because the song always went

"They're full of peppery goodness and very small and neat."

And I misheard the world Cadbury as pepper and convinced myself

they tasted of pepper.

I never went that far, but I did go, "That's false advertising,

"because this just tastes of yummy fudge

"and there's no peppery goodness in it.

"What is peppery goodness anyway?"

-Yeah, and obviously just you and me on that.

-Yeah, I know.

It's like watching a conversation in a retirement village.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The new generation are vicious.

Moving on, what has Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell demanded?

Oh, he wants a million people marching on the streets

and he wants Diane Abbott counting them.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

At the end of that round, a point to Angela, Hugh and Gary.

CHEERING

Now we play a round called It's My Party, I'll Resign When I Want To.

This game involves Gary and Kerry,

so if you could make your way over to the performance area, please.

This is a stand-up challenge.

I'll launch the Wheel Of News and wherever it chooses to stop,

one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.

OK, here we go. Let's spin the wheel.

The first subject is...

friendship.

Who wants to come in on that? Kerry.

Now, men and women expect very different things

from their friendships.

Women expect quite a lot from their girlfriends and men expect...

sod all, really, very little.

The bar is very low with male friendship.

If a woman rings her mate and leaves a message on her voicemail

and doesn't get an answer back within a day or two,

or a week or two, she'll ring her again,

leave another little message - "Did you get my message, babe?

"Cos I did ring you and I didn't hear back from you,

"so I'm just checking you're all right, yeah? Ha-ha-ha!"

It's terrifying, really.

But if a bloke rings his mate and he doesn't hear back within

a year, or two years, he doesn't care.

He doesn't give a toss.

He might bump into that mate down the pub and be like,

"Oi, you, I rang you a couple of years ago.

"Thought you were dead.

"Can I have my drill back?"

It's a very different set of expectations,

because blokes like banter, they love to banter with each other

and they can be quite nasty to one other.

Women, we do do banter, but we have a threshold.

We don't go in too mean.

Like, blokes love a nickname, they love a nasty,

horrible nickname, nastier the better.

I was introduced to a bloke recently by his best friend as Shitflaps,

that was the name.

I was like, "But that's not your name, though, is it, Shitflaps?"

And he liked it, he was like, "Yeah, that's my name.

"Shitflaps, that's me.

"Everyone calls me Shitflaps, all my mates.

"And my dad and my kids."

He was a broken man but he felt loved and that's what that was for.

It's not unusual to see bunch of blokes down the pub

on a weekend introducing each other with all their stupid nicknames

they've had since they were at school.

"This is Shit Don't Stink, he thinks he's it.

"This is Wankstain Wayne, huh-huh!

"This is Paedo Pete. Hey!"

They all know a Paedo Pete.

But you wouldn't see that with women,

you wouldn't see a bunch of women introducing each other,

"This is Hairy Tits Helen.

"This is Cries Too Much Claire."

"I don't! I don't cry too much!"

"You do, Claire, you do, you don't half go on.

"This is Barrel Legs.

"You shouldn't have worn a skirt.

"This is Chlamydia Claudine."

We wouldn't do that, we wouldn't do that.

We think it, but we don't say it.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Well done.

Lovely stuff. OK, that leaves us with Gary.

Let's see what your topic is. Let's spin the wheel.

And the topic is health.

Gary.

The area in a Nando's between the front and back door

is called the peri-perineum.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I like to judge my weight by my BMI -

as long as I weigh less than a small plane, I think it's fine.

APPLAUSE

When writing a story about losing your virginity,

it's important to always put it in the first person.

When people die and head towards the light,

what they don't realise is they've already been reincarnated as a moth.

I can count the number of chainsaw accidents I've had

on the fingers of one hand.

I'll tell you what always catches my eye -

short people with umbrellas.

The other day I was doing the hoovering in my pants

and I thought to myself, "How do my bollocks get this dusty?"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I've been attending Gamblers Anonymous for three years

whereas my best mate Dave, he only stuck it out for two and a half,

so I won that one.

I like to think I'm a bit like Superman.

For example, the other day I changed in a phone box...

from a man who really needed a wee to a man who's just had a wee.

I pulled a sickie the other day.

Just one of the perks of working at the hospital.

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

The other day, my girlfriend and I had great make-up sex.

Well, I say that, she was out and I stuck her lipstick up my arse.

LAUGHTER

Because I'm worth it.

APPLAUSE Thank you, Gary Delaney.

At the end of that round, points go to Kerry Godliman!

Come on. CHEERING

Our next round is called This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

On the board are six categories.

-Kerry, which category would you like?

-Home News, please.

OK, your category is Home News, and the answer is...

What is the question?

Is that what vegans eat when no-one's watching?

Is it Heston Blumenthal's recipe for a ham sandwich?

Is it the smell of an old people's home?

Is it one of the weirdest things the DUP have asked for so far?

Is it at Eton, what were the nicknames of Boris Johnson,

David Cameron and George Osborne?

Is it what are the first three items on Ant McPartlin's shopping list?

GROANING

Oi, beloved of the nation, back away, all right?

Do not slam our Queen of Hearts.

Also, he is lactose intolerant. That is very insensitive.

Is it what three things do you test by sniffing to see if they're OK?

Look, I find that people don't go,

"Smell the cocaine, I think it's off."

Is it a Glastonbury diet, minus cheese and fish?

Is it on a self-service till, what do I put through as onions?

Is it what goes well with chips?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Bravo.

I think the correct answer would be perfectly timed now.

Dara, are these three things up for negotiation

in the current Brexit discussions?

Yes, they are, Nish, thank you very much. There you go.

APPLAUSE

Yes, the question I was looking for was,

what are some of the many issues that will need to be addressed

during the Brexit negotiations, which began this week?

This is the news that formal Brexit negotiations began

in Brussels on Monday.

Some of the issues that need to be resolved include medical drugs,

fishing policies and geographical food protection of certain foods,

-such as Parma ham or champagne.

-Freddos.

Yes, Brexit. And Freddos.

Freddos...

Freddos, which are made in the small French village of Le Freddo.

Brexit's starting this week! Yay!

We've been accused in the past of being down on Brexit and

therefore being insensitive to the needs of 52%

of the population who voted for it, so, yay!

Good for Brexit!

It's a great thing.

It's just the start, though, isn't it?

I overheard someone on a bus the other day going,

"See? Brexit is not that bad, is it?" It hasn't happened yet, has it?

That's like me deciding that I'm going to come off the pill

tomorrow and waking up tomorrow morning going,

"Well, being a mum's a piece of piss, isn't it?"

We're just at the very beginning!

And they say these negotiations are going to take two years.

They're bloody not, are they?

It took Greenland three years to get out

and all they had to talk about was fish.

We've got fish AND chips.

And cheese and drugs.

We'll never get through all three lists on the agenda, will we?

We are going to get absolutely shafted at these negotiations.

David Davis has gone in all confident and in about

two years' time he's going to come out saying,

"We don't have free movement, we're not part of the single market,

"we have to be called the United Kingdom of Buttholes,

"but I managed to steal Juncker's pen."

It was bad.

At the end of the first day of the negotiations,

when David Davis walked out speaking French, you're thinking,

"This is going really badly."

"Bonjour au negotiations."

And now that Theresa May has to speak in a Northern Irish accent,

it's going to be a nightmare in the Commons.

Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit? HE IMITATES NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT

I am really glad it was you on this panel that decided to do that.

To be honest, I can do...

They call us Mexicans, I can go niddly, niddly, niddly.

LAUGHTER

We've an ongoing thing between Dublin and Belfast, you know.

Listen, they say, "How are the Mexicans doing?"

and we go, nirny, nirny, nirn.

They didn't want trade, so they've had to postpone talking about trade.

-Yeah.

-And you do leave the best till last, don't you?

You don't play Come On Eileen at the beginning of a disco.

It feels like we're such an embarrassment to continental Europe,

and the way that I measure this is my brother actually

lives in Berlin and he is now just telling people he's Indian.

And if you're thinking, "Does he do the accent?"

You better believe he does the accent.

He arrived in Berlin sounding like Hugh Grant,

now he sounds like Apu from The Simpsons.

I think that's a better option for us.

Like, if we're a laughing stock already,

we should just lean into it and become, like, the joke country.

If we get Boris Johnson as the next Prime Minister,

I think he is the best option, cos they're already laughing at us.

We're going to get more stuff done in the EU if they're going,

"Ha-ha! And now their leader is a dumpling in a suit!"

If you're the one leaving,

you don't get to dictate if it's amicable or not.

If I have to say to my boyfriend, "I am leaving you tomorrow,

"but I still want unfettered access to all sexual..."

Actually, he'd probably go for that. That's a bad example.

There were some people that wanted to stay in the EU,

some surprising people.

Because I read this thing this week that only 98%

of Ukip voters voted Leave.

And so your question is, what are the other 2% playing at?

I'm not intimately acquainted with the Green party, but I'm pretty sure

there's not a section that favours

total deforestation of the Amazonian.

I'm worried we're going to lose Lidl.

Lidl withdraw and...

I don't want to live in a world without Lidl, do you?

The surprise aisle, it's the best place on earth.

Groceries, groceries, Argos has vomited, more groceries.

I used to live next door to a Lidl and my then-flatmate,

he once popped into Lidl next door to buy some milk

and he phoned me from Lidl next door.

He said, "Can you come and pick me up?"

I was like, "What do you mean, can I come and pick you up?"

He said, "I've bought a drum kit."

I don't want to live in a country where that can't happen.

Speaking of Europe, what are the French facing a shortage of?

Manners.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Other than manners...

-Well, it's butter, isn't it?

-But what does that cause?

-There's going to be a croissant shortage.

-There is.

I won't miss croissants. You end up wearing half of it, don't you?

LAUGHTER

I find it really hard, if you ever have a croissant

as breakfast in bed,

because I've got eczema so I don't know when I've finished.

GROANING

It was one of the issues raised by, and I love his name

and I love his job,

Fabien Castanier of the federation of French biscuit and cake-makers.

And he... Is he really, really thin or really, really fat?

I can't decide. I haven't seen a picture of him.

Is he really pencil thin with a little moustache, going,

"I do not eat them myself,"

or is he enormous, "Oh, I love the cakes and the biscuits"?

I can't decide which I want more.

My friend here, he do not eat the cakes.

"I do not like the cakes myself." LAUGHTER OBSCURES SPEECH

-No, they're forced to... They're making butter from wine now.

-What?

No, they're not.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's how racism starts.

You can just make anything up and everyone goes,

"Yeah, I bet they bloody are, actually."

Churning the wine furiously.

"Oh, we have to make butter from wine now."

You can't say that, because you're the science guy on the panel.

So if you say, "Oh, the French are making cheese out of wine,"

we'll all be like, "Oh, yeah, sounds like he's right,

"he presents Robot Wars."

Just because I present Robot Wars...

Just because I go,

"Carnage defeated Eruption," you can make butter from wine.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, at the end of that round, points go to Ed, Kerry and Nish.

CHEERING

Now we've come to Scenes We'd Like To See,

so if everyone can make their way

over to the performance area, please.

I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what

our panellists can come up with.

OK, here we go. The first subject is...

And this week, an unlikely entry at Number Ten - it's the DUP!

Well, I had a curry last night,

so I'd imagine it's going to be an absolute nightmare.

And that's the end of the shitting forecast.

And next, the last night of the Proms.

Although they do say that every year, so I'm calling it bullshit.

Oh, me hip. Innit cold? Aren't the police younger than they used to be?

You're listening to Sounds Of The '70s.

Tonight on Drivetime, I'm on a lovely one, beautiful tarmac.

In traffic news,

we're sharing of a nasty helicopter crash on the M4.

Let's go over to our eye in the sky. Mark. Mark?

Mark?

Welcome to Drivetime with me, Richard Hammond.

And now... Argh!

APPLAUSE

And today on Women's Hour,

we are not going to discuss the menopause. Only kidding!

Is it me or is it hot in here?

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Well, until tomorrow morning,

this is John Humphrys saying shut it, mofo, I will wreck you.

Later, we'll be talking about the new craze of taking ecstasy

then having sex on your back.

Coming up whilst coming up, that's coming up.

APPLAUSE

Three dads, but who will get the kidney transplant?

Welcome to Pick Of The Pops.

APPLAUSE

And now, the paper review. A4's still smashing it.

APPLAUSE

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

Here are the headlines - a lorry has just reversed into the studio.

You're listening to Radio Three.

Ooh, someone's got ideas above their station.

And we interrupt Gardener's Question Time not for any particular reason,

we just thought you might be bored.

And now on LBC, some soothing whale music.

Nah, just kidding, it's people shouting at each other.

And now the shipping news. Your parcel has been dispatched.

Well, it's time for requests now on hospital radio.

Jeff in ward three says, "Can you shut the fuck up?

"I'm trying to get some sleep."

APPLAUSE

OK, the next topic is...

Phwoar!

Now, you may feel a little prick, so no change there, eh, Jeremy Hunt?

Could you just urinate into this cup, please?

It's the one the annoying receptionist uses.

APPLAUSE

And if you just pop your clothes off, sit down there with

everyone else and the doctor should see you in about half an hour.

Mr Jones, I'm going to need you to have more fibre in your diet,

because my hand's completely stuck.

Unfortunately, due to NHS cutbacks, I'm afraid we're going to

have your diabetes seen to by our new consultant, Dr Pepper.

And if I can just insert this end of the camera into your colon,

and that should hold it steady while I take a selfie.

I have seen some cervixes in my time, but yours is a belter.

Would you mind if a student sits in?

He's a geography student, never seen boobs before.

APPLAUSE

I am happy to be able to tell you that that unsightly lump

on your breast is Calum Best.

Hello, John, thank you very much for coming on Embarrassing Bodies.

Now, if you could just... Whoa, what the fuck is that?!

Well, the test results are back.

I failed. I'm not a qualified doctor.

Well, the bad news is you're going to have to take one of these tablets

every day for the rest of your life.

The really bad news is I'm only giving you three.

I'm afraid to say you've only got about four weeks left.

I'm really sorry, Theresa.

APPLAUSE

First, I'm going to insert my finger in your rectum...

Is this your card?

OK, so, we got your urine sample in.

I thought it was quite citrusy with a hint of mango.

So sorry, I think I've run out of latex gloves.

Do you mind if I use this one I got when I was

in the audience at Gladiators?

OK, I'm just going to test your reflexes.

Release the leopard!

APPLAUSE

So, just spread your legs for me.

I'm aware you came in for a sore throat,

but it all joins up, doesn't it?

At the end of that round, points go to Gary, Hugh and Angela.

CHEERING

And that's the end of the show.

This week's winners are Nish Kumar, Kerry Godliman and Ed Gamble.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Commiserations to Gary Delaney, Hugh Dennis and Angela Barnes.

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain.

Actually, do you know what?

We never do this, but you've both been really good panels

and so we've got Freddos for you all!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yay!