Episode 4 Mock the Week

This programme contains some strong language.

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APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.

Joining me this week are Milton Jones, Ed Byrne,

and Romesh Ranganathan, Nish Kumar, Hugh Dennis, and Angela Barnes.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

We start with a round called Picture Of The Week.

I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me

what is happening.

So, what's going on here?

I've no idea what it is, but Barry Gibb has let himself go a bit,

hasn't he?

I just went in the portaloo and there was a shit this big!

Is he saying, "Everyone likes me.

"I've just seen Barry Gibb and he speaks very highly"?

Come on, we've all done it.

We've all taken a pill when we should have taken a half.

More likely, he's probably going, "Please, please, help me!

"I cannot find my tent!"

Is he saying, "As you can see, I don't trust the press,

"by the state of my shirt"?

I reckon he's going, "Come on, Theresa!

"Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough!

"I'll show something strong and stable!"

-Not... No, I didn't mean...

-Hang on. Yeah...

Is it Corbyn furious at narrowly losing seat to drum kit?

There's a drum kit behind him. If you're not going to...

If you're not going to look at the pictures properly,

I can't help you, all right?

-And there should be a drummer behind that drum kit.

-Yeah.

But they had to go because of Tory cuts! To drummers!

-So that's just a

-symbol

-of Tory cuts.

AUDIENCE GROANS

By the way, that only worked cos I set up the drum kit earlier.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Anyone got a clue what actually it is?

It's Jeremy Corbyn speaking at the Glastonbury Festival.

Indeed, it is, Ed Byrne! Thank you very much.

APPLAUSE

Yes, this is a picture of Jeremy Corbyn at the Glastonbury Festival.

The Labour leader was in Somerset to deliver speeches to

tens of thousands of revellers at the event.

How did he get on? He was one of the hits of the festival.

-Absolutely smashed it.

-You say that, he didn't do an encore.

I'm just saying. In 2012, when I did the Cabaret Tent...

I'm not saying I'm a better person than Jeremy Corbyn...

It was a crowd of about 60,000 people, wasn't it?

Diane Abbott said 20.

Not 20,000. Just literally 20 people.

I'm sad they didn't go full Glastonbury

and do the thing where they put glitter in their beards at festivals. Have you seen that?

Grown men walking round festivals with their beards full of glitter.

My boyfriend wanted to get it done. He's got a beard. I said, "Don't you dare.

You go down on me once, I've got a vajazzle I never asked for."

I always have glitter in my beard,

but that's only so that people can differentiate me from Romesh.

Really delighted to be on the show with him

because it can finally dispel the rumours that seem to be going

around from people who come up to me in the street that I am Romesh.

Also, Nish, you're sitting in my seat.

So you'd better have some pretty weird stuff.

Cos I'm stuck here with the travel presenters.

Yeah, going on your holidays with the BBC!

Nish, there's worse people than Romesh to...

Since I've been doing this show, I have had Janet Street-Porter,

I've had the bird from the Chase, and Olive from On The Buses.

I've had all of them as well.

Quite the swordsman!

I was looking at the reaction of the crowd to Jeremy Corbyn

and I thought - you bunch of sheep!

And then I realised I was looking at the wrong field.

It was... There was a lot of Labour people there.

Tom Watson always goes. Tom Watson appeared.

-Tom Watson looked like a chimney sweep.

-I've seen... Yeah.

Somewhere there is a steam train without its driver.

He looks like he's just discovered the Jacamo website

and ordered everything.

They just rolled him through Jacamo and whatever stuck,

they gave him that.

John McDonnell, he did a speech on one of the smaller stages as well.

Don't you hate that - when you go to Glastonbury and your politicians clash!

He said in his speech if Theresa May is watching Glastonbury this

afternoon, we are ready for another election.

Can you imagine Theresa May watching Glastonbury? She hasn't got time.

She's googling - how can I be more human?

She did it with Alexa, but alarmingly,

Alexa replied in exactly the same voice that she has.

And it freaked her out.

Maybe she went to the Platitude Festival.

A bit of politics from you, wasn't it?!

Change your chair and the whole philosophy changes!

This is the new me! Come on!

This photo looks like the two finalists in the Gnome tribute act.

Eavis has been mouthing off about what Corbyn said to him in private.

-I think that's a bit...

-It's possibly a bit rude. What did he say in private?

-Eavis has come out

and said that Jeremy Corbyn has said that he is going to scrap Trident.

We're supposed to be surprised by that. We all know that he's been a member of CND,

and I think basically, he does think they should scrap Trident. I think they should scrap Trident.

I think we just don't tell anyone we have.

That's what you do, innit? Scrap Trident.

Sod it, tell them we've built a Death Star, doesn't matter.

-A secret Death Star.

-I'm with Corbyn. We don't need Trident as a nuclear deterrent.

We've got the best nuclear deterrent there is.

And that is we owe all the other countries shit loads of money.

They're not going to nuke us,

it'd be like wonga.com nuking a council estate.

It's not that amazing what he said. What did he say?

I'm going to be the Prime Minister in six months and I'll scrap Trident. People at Glastonbury are

off their tits. Half the people are saying that. Do you know what I mean?

I tell you what, I'm gonna scrap Trident, bruv.

Trust me. I'm gonna scrap the shit out of Trident.

-Honestly, Trident ain't gonna know what's hit it, man.

-You can be the Prime Minister out there,

but who's the Prime Minister in here?

Cos think about it, the Prime Minister,

that's a minister that can only be divided by one and itself.

And you can't be divided by yourself,

if you really know yourself.

Man, let me tell you something. Man, listen.

There's only one Trident I care about, man, and that is the Trident of self-esteem.

-That's what I...

-So, we've all been there.

Erm...

I tell you what, I'm coming up right now.

Piers Morgan tweeted saying, "Oh, I'd like to see Jeremy Corbyn

"address the crowd at Royal Ascot," and he's absolutely right.

There was nothing in there for horses. He said nothing...

Royal Ascot is just people fighting.

That's all Royal Ascot was, people throwing punches, having scraps.

-Tommy Robinson was there.

-Tommy Robinson.

This is how bad my expectations of Tommy Robinson are, right?

So I read that he got into a massive fight,

beat this guy to the ground at Ascot.

And then they showed the footage and he was fighting a white guy

and I genuinely though, "Well, he's making progress." Do you know what I mean?

-I was pleasantly surprised it was a white man.

-Good for you!

It's such a pleasure to be talking about Tommy Robinson on what

is undoubtedly his least favourite episode of Mock The Week ever.

Two of them?! Two of them?! I told you this would happen!

They're winning! I tell you, they're winning!

You can't both win, you're on different teams.

No, we're on the same team, mark my words.

Don't get it twisted, white woman.

Oh, Ed, remember when we were the exotic ones?

Oh, those were the days, when we were the ethnic minority.

Not any more.

Is it just me or does Ed Sheeran sound like a rural hairdressers?

Always bringing it back to the music, Milton.

People complaining about the music. That seems to be the Glastonbury tradition.

People do get very angry. People get very angry any time there's a sort of rap act

anywhere high up the bill.

People get very upset, but I was delighted to see Stormzy there

because he is from Croydon, as am I. And Croydon is nailing it right now.

We've got Stormzy, we've got Kate Moss, and we've got the number

two British Asian stand-up comedian in the country.

I know my place. Even my mother recently described me as a poor man's Romesh, so I know.

Listen, mate, if you dream of being a poor man's Romesh, you better wake up and apologise!

OK, erm...

This is what they want, us to fight amongst ourselves.

We must stick together, brother!

Any minute now we're going to break out into some sort of dance.

Oh, yeah.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

With respect, you have a stupid ethnic dance.

OK.

I had to go to the doctors recently. I have restless leg syndrome.

I had a sleep study and they filmed me sleeping at night and

a consultant wrote me a letter that said that watching me

sleep was like watching horizontal Riverdance.

Horizontal Riverdance sounds alarmingly sexual!

That was actually my chat-up line in the '90s.

Would you like to do some horizontal Riverdance?

Are you enjoying it? Are you enjoying it?

Are you enjoying it?

Yeah? Yeah!

APPLAUSE

SINGS RIVERDANCE THEME

Lord of the Horizontal Dance!

At the end of that round, the points go to Nish, Hugh and Angela.

APPLAUSE

Now, we play a round called I'm Corbyn Up, So You'd Better Get This Labour Party Started.

This game involves Angela and Milton, so if you can make your way to the performance area, please.

This round is a stand-up challenge. I launch the Wheel Of News and wherever it chooses to stop,

one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.

OK? Here we go. Let's spin the wheel.

The first subject is kids.

Oh, yeah. I'll have that.

I don't have any kids myself.

People think that when you say you don't want kids, it's cos you hate

kids and I don't hate kids, I just don't trust me to keep one alive.

Cos I've never had the broody urge.

I do understand biological urges, it's just that mine

have mostly been for carbs.

And babies are famously protein-based.

You get to my age and it's weird, people are obsessed about whether or not you're going to have children.

I went to see my doctor recently about something completely

unrelated and he said to me, "You do know, Angela, if you were

"to have a child now, you'd be what we call a geriatric mother."

He's dead now.

He said, "Why don't you get some eggs frozen?

"Why don't you freeze some eggs and if you change your mind further down the line, they're there?"

And I thought about it and then I thought, "Do you know what?

"Whenever I've frozen something, it's gone a bit shit."

I don't want my children to be the human equivalent of a ready meal.

What about when little Findus and Sara Lee go off to school?

And they get taught about the birds and the bees, are they going to get

taken into a separate room and told, "Your mum went to Iceland?" No.

Cos there are loads of reasons for not having kids. Right, here's one.

Now, ladies in the room you can vouch for this.

As a woman, you get your bits looked at all the time.

Now, every time a nurse or a gynaecologist has had a look

at my bits, they have told me, and I quote, that I have a lovely cervix.

I grew it myself.

Now, I don't know what that means, but I do know that in my life,

I have been told my cervix is lovely way more than I've been

told my face is.

Way more, I am buggered if I'm going to ruin the most complimented

part of my body by shoving a baby through it.

I am literally beautiful on the inside.

And that's how I want it to stay.

Well done, Angela Barnes. APPLAUSE

OK, that leaves Milton. Let's see what you've been left with.

Let's spin the wheel.

And the topic is relatives.

My grandfather, he would never ever throw anything away.

But he died in the war, holding on to a hand grenade.

My other grandfather, he's got a metal plaque on his forehead,

dedicated to a park bench that died.

My other grandfather...

He did a walk across Great Britain for everyone without

a sense of direction.

He went from Land's End straight into the sea.

My sister, she was told to stop eating wheat.

But she ignored that advice and was run over by the combine harvester.

My other sister and her friends,

I took them round a poultry farm recently.

Not the hen night she was expecting.

Tricky, isn't it,

if you've got to text someone that one of their relatives has died

and your name is Lol?

May he rest in peace.

Lol.

My other grandfather...

He's doing a walk across Great Britain for all those who

have got a sense of direction.

Well, he was until the calf injury.

Not old enough to take his weight, according to the RSPCA.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much.

At the end of that, the points go to Angela Barnes.

Our next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

-On the board are six categories. Romesh, which category would you like?

-Politics, please, Dara.

OK, cool. You've chosen politics. The answer is:

What is the question?

How many Asians will Britain First report were on this

episode of Mock The Week?

Is it how many grandfathers have I actually got?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Is it the number of British pounds you can now get for 10 euros?

Is it the number of people who watch Love Island

and should therefore be culled?

Is it, after Brexit, what apparently will be the annual

salary of the average British fruit picker?

Is it what factor sun cream did Ed Sheeran wear at Glastonbury?

Is it how many wasps could overcome the population of Basingstoke?

I think they'd put up a good fight though, you know?

-Yeah. Dorking?

-Not so much.

Is it how many fake Grindr accounts have been set up in the name

Tim Farron?

Is it, what is now the salary of the DUP's cleaner?

Is it the number of my children's fidget spinners that I've

deliberately broken?

Anyone know what the correct answer is?

Is it how many wasps could overcome the population of Guildford?

-Are you just going around...?

-The M3 corridor.

-Woking.

-Yeah.

-That's next.

-Absolutely, yeah.

I think the actual correct answer is -

how many EU citizens are currently living in the UK?

Absolutely right. Thank you very much, Hugh.

APPLAUSE

Yes, the question I was looking for was approximately how many

EU citizens are living in the UK?

This is the news that Theresa May made what she called a fair

and serious offer to EU leaders to protect the rights of

EU citizens in the UK after Brexit.

-But how did the European leaders react?

-They loved it.

Yeah, they did. As they're loving everything about Brexit.

As should we all. We all have to get onside, Brexit's great.

-Every week, yay!

-Dara, I don't want any more of this sarcasm from you.

-It's not!

-So much sarcasm.

I watched Andrea Leadsom on Newsnight and she told us

the broadcasters have to be more positive about Brexit.

So we've got to start doing more positive Brexit...

Like - why did the chicken cross the road?

To escape Eurocrats.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a German went into a pub.

The Englishman left early without paying his bill

and with no sense of how he was going to get home.

He is a legend!

LAUGHTER

Theresa May told them all about this offer to EU citizens at a dinner

and then she wasn't allowed to stay for the discussion after

-the dinner cos she's no longer part of it, right?

-Yeah.

It's terrible cos you know that they'll all have gone,

"Bye, Theresa, lovely to see you. Yeah. Bye-bye. Bye.

"Loser."

She described it as being constructive.

No-one has ever described anything as constructive,

unless it's gone really badly.

No-one's ever gone, how was the wedding? Constructive.

In other news, what can now be taken in larger quantities on some

-flights from Italy?

-Cocaine.

No.

-Uh-oh.

-It's pesto.

-It is pesto.

-Ah!

How much can you bring on, do you know?

-500ml, isn't it?

-500 grams.

-500 grams, yeah.

-Or two jars of 250.

If you measure it in grams and it isn't a liquid...

I wasn't doing a maths joke, that's the actual rule.

I wasn't going, "Oh, by the way, you can divide 500 by two."

So it's normally 100ml you can take through.

Why have they done that then?

They've done that because they sell pesto.

-It's actually proper Genoese pesto though.

-Yeah, Genoese.

-Just through one airport?

-It's not through the whole of Italy.

-Yeah, it's just through the airport in the pesto producing

area of Italy.

Presumably, it's because every tourist comes through

Genoa Airport and goes, "Oh! I bought some pesto."

And they just go, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry,"

and you're left there with a choice of, "Well, screw you..."

Argh!

Darling, go and get me some penne.

I don't care... Crunch, crunch.

You can't just allow it because loads of it's coming through.

-They have decided that they're allowing it.

-We're getting so much cocaine coming through this airport,

let's just allow it. Do you know what I mean?

I am over this cocaine thing! All right? Just go!

-Go!

-People standing at the gate just being like... Argh!

Argh!

Mad! Cocaine and pesto!

Wait, get me the pesto, get me the cocaine, just smash it in my mouth.

Darling, get me some penne.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Presumably, you could do it for anything else.

-Can we do it for salad cream?

-I was thinking more Branston pickle.

I don't know, what are the authentic...?

Branston pickle's not a liquid, is it?

-It depends.

-It's as much of a liquid as pesto.

-Dara, you're the science guy.

-As a scientist, er...

Branston pickle - liquid, solid, or gas?

I honestly... I wouldn't know Branston pickle if you put it past me

-on a conveyor belt.

-Even if it said "Branston Pickle"?

I'd probably pick up on a clue like that.

That would be the shittest episode of the Generation Game ever!

A jar of Branston pickle!

-Come on!

-I must remember that one!

Last week, we talked about Freddos and we got Freddos.

I hope a runner's gone out to get some Branston pickle for me now.

Oh, God! I am not eating pesto with my finger! Argh!

Pesto! Pesto!

Moving on, what might car horns sound like in the future?

I like this story. I only passed my driving test a year ago.

I'm a fairly new driver.

So the story is that they want to change...

They think that horns are too aggressive.

So they want to change it to sound like a duck.

I do agree that horns are too aggressive cos there are times

when you don't want to say - Oi! You just want to go - Sorry, my bad.

And I want one that sort of goes - "Sorry!"

-It should be like a dual flush.

-Yeah.

You want kind of a language where it goes - Wargh! And Wo-wee!

Yeah!

-Wo-wee!

-Like Close Encounters. Oo-ee-oo-oo-ehhh!

There's some cars in India where my family is from but I'm not, please

don't deport me, some of the horns play like a full Bollywood song.

So it's really hard to get a message across cos it'll be like

- do-do-do-dal-dal-dal!

Unhorn! Unhorn!

Unhorn? You can't unhorn.

If I've learned nothing in life, you can't unhorn!

Once I've started that horizontal Riverdance, I cannot unhorn.

I can't unhorn! I can't unhorn!

I saw an unbelievable piece of road rage where a taxi was

sort of going out in front of a guy

and I can't remember whose fault it was,

but the taxi just went in front of this guy who was trying to cross

the road and he just instinctively smacked the window with his hand.

He was just really angry.

And the taxi driver got out and just went, "Oi!

"If you ever bang my cab again, I'll bang you!"

Bang you so hard! And I can't unhorn!

At the end of that, the points go to Milton, Ed and Romesh.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Now, we come to Scenes We'd Like To See, so

if everyone can make their way over to the performance area. I'll read out this week's topics,

then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

OK, here we go.

The first subject is:

Here we are at Warwick Castle, home of one of the biggest

scandals in British history - four quid for a pencil sharpener!

It was a wooden horse. The soldiers of Troy had been deceived.

They would never bet on the Grand National again.

So it turns out that Henry VIII

is actually some kind of medieval hoover.

Here's an easy way to remember Henry VIII's wives, divorced,

beheaded, munter, fit, milf.

Henry VIII divorced her, dried her and kept her in a tiny jar.

It was a fitting end

for Catherine of Tarragon.

And if you want to see what this place looked like 200 years ago,

then you probably voted Leave.

The story of his marriage is simple.

-Julius

-Caesar,

-Julius marries her, Julius dumps her.

In 2068, the UK was allowed to rejoin

the EU on condition that it change its name to Very Sorry Land.

And as we unearth this skeleton, what becomes clear and what we

have learnt is that I should have found a deeper hole to bury my wife.

Martin Luther King had a dream, about being naked and riding a camel

made of ice cream, but we don't hear much about that dream, do we?

What was life like for a typical Roman soldier around 200 BC?

No fucking idea.

"How are your parents?" shouted Cromwell across the battlefield.

And the king replied, "They're very well, thank you.

"Isn't the weather nice for this time of year?"

It was Civil War.

Oi, oi! You slags! History! History! History!

My name's Danny Dyer and this is Britain's Oldest Bricks!

They called him Edward the Confessor, but he was

not as popular as his brother, Steve the What Goes On Tour Stays On Tour.

They ravaged the land, taking over vast areas,

with the catchphrase, if anyone can, Genghis can.

As they ceased to exist over 200 years ago,

it was impossible to know what Southern Rail was,

until yesterday when one of their trains finally arrived.

OK, the next topic is:

From acclaimed director Ridley Scott, Alien 7:

It's Just Fucking Ruined Now.

Nigel Farage buys a guesthouse in Spain, how will the locals react?

Find out in Casa Wanker.

Katie Hopkins meets up with seven of her friends in The Hateful Eight.

God, I wish you'd become a lawyer. Nish Kumar stars in The Mummy.

He was a man, she was a woman.

To cut a long story short,

the end.

Vin Diesel stars as a man angry about premature

ejaculation in Fast And Furious.

A woman with a past, a cop with a secret.

A plumber with a shoe, a dog with a cold.

A hairdresser with a Rubik's Cube.

Coming this summer, Random Things With Stuff.

Theresa May's up to her old tricks again in the May Trix.

Thor, Iron Man and the Hulk visit IKEA in Avengers Assemble.

Russell Crowe stars as a man who devours his wife

and is then really pleased with himself in Glad 'E Ate 'Er.

This is the story of the last man in Nazi Europe with a foolscap folder.

Saving Private Ryman.

A documentary about the losing of the Tory majority,

Gone In 60 Seconds.

A woman calls an election and then disappears from her own

campaign in Wonder Where The Fuck She Went Woman.

This summer, the ultimate battle for supremacy in Kramer vs Alien

vs Predator vs Batman vs Superman vs Kramer.

Why didn't you become a doctor? Nish Kumar in Daddy's Home.

The Boy Who Cries Wolf III. Honestly, this one is a real film.

Oi, hands off the.. Hands off the.. Keep your hands off the chocolate!

We are the Guardians Of The Galaxy.

OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Milton, Ed and Romesh.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

And that's the end of the show.

This week's winners are Milton Jones, Ed Byrne

and Romesh Ranganathan.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Commiserations to Nish Kumar, Hugh Dennis and Angela Barnes.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.

APPLAUSE

# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

# Read all about it

# Read all about it

# News of the World

# News of the World! #