Episode 5 Mock the Week

This programme contains some strong language

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APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.

Joining me this week are Hal Cruttenden, Zoe Lyons and Ed Byrne,

Ed Gamble, Hugh Dennis and Angela Barnes.

APPLAUSE

Welcome. Welcome.

We start tonight with a round called Picture of the Week.

I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me

what's happening. So what's going on here?

That looks like Michael Gove easing himself onto a hard Brexit.

Maybe it's just so simple - a poor person has just walked in the room.

He's gone...

Is this what happens when you wake up

and you realise that you're Michael Gove?

I think he's realised that wasn't just a fart.

He looks like a haunted Pez dispenser.

Could you imagine if you bought a blow-up doll,

and you took it home and blew it up, and it looked like that?

I reckon what you can't see behind it

is Boris just stabbing away at him in the back.

He's just had a fantastic idea, that's all.

He's just had a moment of political epiphany.

"Wait! I know! What if we ruined everything?"

-Can anyone tell me exactly what it is?

-Yes, it's Michael Gove.

Yes, it is. Thank you very much.

APPLAUSE

Yes, this is a picture of Conservative MP Michael Gove.

He was in the news this week after he suggested that the Government

should lift the public sector pay cap whilst pressure

mounted on Theresa May and Philip Hammond to ease austerity.

A number of them have said this.

Apparently Boris Johnson has said this.

What makes it unfortunate about the timing that they're

suddenly calling for a lifting of the public service pay cap?

-Because it's about a week after they voted against it.

-Yeah!

And it seems like very empty words at this stage.

It is almost as though this Government haven't got a clue

what they're doing.

-ZOE:

-It's almost like a sat nav sort of leading the country

at the moment, and it's stuck on, "Make a U-turn where possible."

It's an amazing decision to give Minister for the Environment

to someone who looks like they've never been outside before.

He does have a look of the sickly Victorian child.

Yeah, he looks like he drowned in a well.

He's going to clash with May, though, isn't he?

Cos he's also Minister of Agriculture, isn't he?

So he's got to stop her running through the wheat fields.

I feel uncomfortable to pick all the time on the way he looks

cos, you know, he can't help that, it's his policies that are ugly,

not just the fact he looks like Pob's dad.

What else has he announced this week?

Well, basically, we're stopping foreign fishermen

coming into our inshore waters

so they can't scoop up our nappies and our turds.

British turds for British beaches!

"I think you'll find that is a British shopping trolley, Senor!"

What I imagine now is that if I was in charge of a European trawler now,

I would take it right up to the edge, about 12 miles,

and I'd have loads of fish food

and I'd just dump it in the sea so all the fish come across...

6-12 months, that's all it is.

6-12 months in the kind of environment

in which fish can move very easily.

We've kept ourselves a very small strip, haven't we?

-We've essentially given ourselves a fishing Brazilian.

-Yes, yes.

I think they're going to police it by stopping the foreign boats

coming in by having Gove out on a rock somewhere

-just in a pair of Speedos like that. "Oh, my God!"

-What, like a siren?

Michael Gove lying across the rocks

luring Spanish fishermen to their deaths?

# Ooo-ahhhh! #

"Oh, my God, look at that disappointing blow-up doll!"

"No matter...

"Pedro!"

LAUGHTER

It feels like it's going to be one of those episodes! "Really, Pedro?

"One of those episodes?" "Si, Senor."

That's, of course, your character who is from the country of Foreign.

Yes.

What else did he say, by the way?

What did he say about graduates and university educations?

He's raised the possible question of we should maybe discuss

-tuition fees.

-They're just sort of grabbing a lot of Corbyn's popular

policies from the election, aren't they?

We're about a week away from Theresa May announcing

she wants to put more money into Stormzy.

It's funny, cos you'd almost think we should have had, like, a few

weeks ago, maybe some big event where everybody could have

laid out their policies.

APPLAUSE

We'll wait. September, October, there'll be another one.

It all begins again.

What, by the way, is Theresa May reportedly prepared to do

-if Brexit negotiations don't go her way?

-She's going to storm out.

-She's going to storm out?

-If she's not happy with the negotiations,

she's going to storm out.

It's like they spent 12 months saying, "We cannot reveal our hand,

"we must not let the other side know what we're going to do

"and then we're telling them that we're going to storm out."

It's almost as though this government haven't got a clue

what they're doing.

Knowing Theresa May, no matter how much she plans it in advance,

she'll end up storming out, accidentally walk into

the stationery cupboard and have to stay in there for three hours.

That's exactly what happens when you try. I've never had a successful storm-out.

I once stormed out after an argument with my boyfriend -

we were in a pub, and I stormed out.

And then I realised I'd left my handbag and my keys on the table

and there's nothing worse than having to storm back in again.

Did you do the, "And another thing!"?

Also, they wanted to be hard-headed and cold-eyed, and you think,

"She does that very, very, very well."

In fact, every morning, her aides have to come in

and carry her out onto the lawn so that she is warmed by the sun.

Is she on a warming rock? She's on a warming rock!

She's on a little warming rock.

Slowly her internal body temperature is rising.

She does have a look in her, in that very photograph,

like she's looking at the sun, going, "Ah, you are my enemy,

"but also, I need you, I need you."

It's Despicable May.

GROANS AND APPLAUSE

There is a thing where it's like a marriage, where,

if you leave and storm out, you do lose everything. That's the thing.

If I left my wife and go, "Right, I'm going. Goodbye.

"But you get the house, you get the kids, you get the money..."

-Is that how you're choosing to do it on Mock The Week?

-Having said

that, my wife's Northern Irish

so she's recently come into quite a lot of money.

OK, moving on. How has Jeremy Corbyn tightened his grip on the Labour Party?

-Oh, he wants to get rid of the moderates. Indeed, yes.

-He does!

Corbyn is moving towards a hard Brexit. Who would he get rid of?

-Do you know?

-He's purged the moderates, hasn't he?

-Purged the moderates.

-He's purged them.

But if they repent,

he'll allow them to work on a collective allotment or something.

It feels pretty hypocritical, though.

Cos, as an MP, he defied the whip, like, over 400 times

and now he's getting angry with people for defying the whip.

That's like Adele firing her tour manager for calling in sick.

GROANS

I think somebody had tickets.

-ANGELA:

-A lot of people are worried, aren't they,

with the new Shadow Cabinet that they're very...

sort of inexperienced. I just sort of think, "Well, they're the Shadow Cabinet,

they can't really do anything." It's like worrying that you've got

an inexperienced air guitarist, you know.

APPLAUSE

Come on, John, you could kill somebody with licks like that!

I think he's just in a bad mood cos he's on a come-down

from Glastonbury.

You think he needs like a V Festival or something just...

Yeah, just to bring him back down, level him back out.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Exactly, yeah.

-Cos he probably came back and he was all high from people chanting

his name and he's like, "No-one's chanting my name any more."

And he'd look down sadly at the wristband he's definitely left on.

Do you know the toilets at Glastonbury? They've got...

You sit on this thing and it's got a thing on the door saying, "Do you know what?

"One in three people in the world don't have a toilet."

I'm thinking, "Well, lucky bastards. I'd rather shit in a field than be..."

You know you're going into a bad toilet when there's a sign

-on the door reminding you that other people don't have toilets.

-Exactly.

-It was a bit like that.

-I open shows going,

"You know, some people don't even have access to comedy."

APPLAUSE

At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Zoe and Hal!

Now we play a round called Trumpty Dumpty Sat On A Wall. This game...

SNIGGERING AND LAUGHTER

..involves Angela and Hal.

So if you could make your way to the performance area, please.

This round is a stand-up challenge.

I launch the wheel of news and wherever it chooses to stop,

one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.

OK. Here we go. Let's spin the wheel.

-This first subject is growing old.

-Oh, I'll have that.

-Who wants to come in on that? Angela.

-Cool.

I recently turned 40, and I want to reassure anyone younger,

turning 40 is really easy.

My friend turned 40 recently, she made a bucket list, right.

She said to me, "You've got to make a bucket list."

And I said, "Do you know what I hear when I hear bucket list?

"I hear admin." They're always so ambitious, aren't they? It's like,

"Oh, I want to go to the Taj Mahal, I want to swim with dolphins."

The only thing I could think of that I genuinely would want to

put on my bucket list is that one day - one day -

I'd like to put half a packet of biscuits back in a cupboard.

APPLAUSE

But getting old...

Growing old in this country looks scary and it's looking scarier and scarier.

You know, by the time I get to old age,

there won't be care homes any more, will there?

There'll just be an OAP Rescue Centre.

Something like Battersea Dogs Home.

This idealistic young couple will come in,

they'll get shown around - "This is Maud, she likes knitting,

"gardening, casual racism, why don't you take her home?"

That's what it'll be. We have to worry about these things!

We do, cos we're all living longer, aren't we?

There's so many 100-year-olds in this country now the Queen's

had to get a Moonpig account to keep up.

This is my plan for old age.

If I get there, right, if I get to my 80s,

I am going to spend every single day doing class-A hard-core drugs.

Why wouldn't you, right? You don't have to get up in the morning, do you?

You'll never have trouble finding a vein.

I'll tell you something,

you might not be able to afford to heat your bungalow,

but I bet you can afford to heat a teaspoon

and then you won't give a shit how cold you are.

No-brainer, isn't it?

APPLAUSE Thank you very much, Angela Barnes.

So, that leaves us with Hal.

Let's see what your topic is, let's spin the wheel.

-The topic is nationality.

-Oh, yes!

Um, well, I'm English, obviously, which is rubbish, isn't it?

No-one likes us. If you...

I follow England at rugby, at football, everywhere we go,

we get booed. Everybody else boos us.

And, my wife, Northern Irish, boos me in bed. That's the truth.

It's like, "Oh, you're rubbish, get off! You English are crap!"

"It's not all English people, it's just me."

I was actually doing a gig in Scotland a couple of years ago in

Glasgow and I said to a roomful of Scottish people, "Is it true

"whenever we play football, you support the opposition?"

And they all went, "Yeah, yeah, we do!" I said, "Do you know what?

"We'd do the same to you, we just never know when you're playing."

But I happen to think that sort of anti-English thing

and with Brexit means the UK is finished.

Eventually, in my lifetime, the UK is going to break-up.

As I've said, I was a passionate Remainer when it came to Brexit.

Or Remoaner or - my favourite one -

a sneering member of the metropolitan middle class liberal elite.

I love being called that. I love being called elite.

It makes me sound like... We're sort of super troops, you know,

that go around the area in a van keeping it bourgeois.

We all screech to a halt, we jump out,

we take up our favourite yoga position immediately.

"That cafe's no longer serving decaf soya lattes! Destroy it!"

"Say that word, say that word!"

"Kwin-noa...?" "It's quinoa, you bastard!"

Thank you very much! Well done, Hal Cruttenden!

At the end of the round, points for both of you! Come on back.

Our next round is called,

"If this is the answer, what is the question?".

On the board are six categories. Hal, which category would you like?

-I would like World News, please.

-OK, your category is World News.

The answer is...

What is the question?

Is this what Jeremy Corbyn wants the voting age to be reduced to?

Is it, in his dreams,

how long would each of Dara's science specials last?

APPLAUSE

-You love the science.

-I feel that there's a lot we can all learn.

Is it how long does every minute feel like if you're Melania Trump?

AUDIENCE GROANS

Is...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Is it how long did it take me

to actually find the exit once I'd bought my tea lights in Ikea?

Is it how long till Julian Assange makes another vertical

scratch on the wall of his embassy bedroom?

APPLAUSE

Is it how long is the time between my mum's two-part text messages?

Is it how long do you have to come up with evidence before the DA

busts your ass?

Is this from the new action movie Strangely English Cop?

-UPPER CLASS ACCENT:

-I'll bust your ass!

-UPPER CLASS ACCENT:

-I'm terribly sorry to hear your arse is in a sling. I...

We'll have to take that straight to the lord mayor!

How long was Jeremy Corbyn awake at Glastonbury after taking what

he thought was an aspirin?

-Does anyone know the correct answer?

-The correct answer is...

-Yes?

How much warning, apparently, are we going to get,

before Donald Trump comes on a visit to the UK?

Absolutely right, thank you very much, Hugh.

This is news of a gap in his diary that means that the President

could drop in and visit Britain sometime in mid July.

Can I say, "President Trump could drop in," is the best euphemism

for, "I'm about to fart," I've ever heard.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Is the short notice supposed to cut down on the likelihood of protests?

-Yes, I'd imagine.

-He's really underestimating the British public.

We do not need anything more than 24 hours to buy some eggs,

write "Prick" on a placard and drive to Scotland.

I'm actually going to be in America, I think, when he's coming over.

I'm going to America next weekend and so I had to fill in my...

-You know the ESTA thing?

-ESTA form, yeah.

I had to fill it in today

and they now ask you about your social media

and your online presence on it

and I'm really worried cos I've got an account with Mecca Bingo.

The mainly reason he's going to Scotland partly to visit the

golf courses, partly to do his bi-annual Irn Bru bath just to...

..bronze it up again.

When he gets to Scotland, though, he's going to...

He'll presumably visit Hadrian's Wall, won't he?

And then Tweet about how this has successfully kept Mexicans

out of Scotland for...

Yeah, how has Trump himself dealt in fake news this week?

It's a false Time magazine cover, isn't it?

Yes, he put up fake Time magazine covers in five of his clubs.

This, which was framed,

with "Donald Trump is a television smash" written on it.

And then, if you go to the barcode, actually,

if you scan the barcode, it just sends you directly to

a website that allows you to create your own fake Time magazine covers.

What... What is the point of that?

-He's actually been on the cover of real Time magazine!

-Yes.

It's like you mocking yourself up in front of the Mock The Week

logo going, "I told you I was on the show!"

In that photo, he looks like he's absolutely determined to have

very pointy orange eyebrows.

For a man who gives out about fake news,

and had this ridiculous thing up, it is kind of offensive, really.

It's something I expand upon, actually, quite a lot

in an interview I did recently with Woman's Heath magazine.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I have to say, at first, I was disappointed there wasn't

an article about me, but then I spotted "Killer Abs! On the Loose".

It's something I discuss quite at length, in an interview

I recently did with Classic & Sports Car magazine which I...

You'll see these... It's just a thing I have on the wall at home.

How many of these did you do?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh! That makes you look like Vladimir Putin. Oh!

That is, may I say, your Photoshop skills ran out.

Dara O Briain,

How I've Learnt To Ride A Horse Despite My Heavily Broken Neck.

I cannot see to the front and yet I can still jump the fences!

No, put me back on the horse, I wish to ride again!

In other news, how might doctors greet us in the future?

They want to get rid of the handshake because it spreads germs.

-Yes.

-So, they are suggesting other ways to do it such as the fist bump.

-Yeah.

-Because they feel that doctors aren't respected enough.

They feel that this would command a great deal more respect.

The fist bump is a bit aggressive and I wouldn't want to hear

the word fist bump if I went into my GP surgery.

-Hand conkers is a nicer term.

-Hand conkers?

-Hand conker.

-Oh, that's nice.

Yeah, as a man, I don't want to hear hand conkers.

They could avoid contact altogether by just doing

the high five, scuba dive!

But, a lot of the time, this is a time

when you've come out of surgery

and the family are there. The thing about the handshake

is that it can be both a happy thing, a respectful thing,

it can be sad - fist bumps really... They don't carry off bad news well.

-Boom, oh-ho!

-Yeah...

It doesn't really work.

I just sort of thought, imagine if you went to a fertility clinic

and you were told by the doctor that the motility of your sperm

was such that you were infertile and then he went, "Down low, too slow."

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

I think a good system might be to shake your doctor's hand

-based on the look of the person who was in there last.

-Yes.

Like, if someone comes out scratching his nuts,

it's probably just a stiff nod and a "hello" today.

Patient presented with weird Napoleon Complex, refused to

take hand from jacket.

Is that a Dictaphone or are you smoking a pipe?

That's your doctor impression!

I am at a conference of other doctors discussing

an interesting patient I had!

Do you know what gets me about doctors?

I think what is difficult about them

is that they are so grown-up about embarrassing things. Aren't they?

But they are like, sort of, you know, pop your trousers on the chair

and we'll do the rectal examination. They're very...

Wouldn't it be easier if they were more like us, just really going,

"You're not going to believe what I have to do to you now.

"You are not going to believe it. I can't see you any more, you're going

"to have to see someone else, it's just, you know..." It'd be fine.

I went in for an appendicitis thing and this was

when I was in my mid-20s and the girl came in to do it,

the junior doctor came in, and I knew her cos I was in my 20s

and she was in her 20s and it was near the university that

I went to and it was kind of a...

-And she said, I have to do a rectal exam now.

-I bet she didn't have to!

And it was, "OK, let's never speak of this again."

Actually, they do have to. It wasn't as though she saw me

and went, "You arsehole, I'm going to do a rectal exam with you now.

"I have been waiting for this moment for many years.

"Oh, hit your head in the snow, did you? Well, rectal exam for you, man."

I remember going to my GP to discuss having a vasectomy, and

she said, "I can't talk to you about this on your own,

"I need to discuss this with your wife, as well.

-"Cos this affects her too." And I'm like...

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-.."They're my balls!"

That high pitched, though, which really rather...

"But they're my balls!"

And she just gives me this doctory look like,

"We get a lot of men in here thinking it's their balls."

"You are merely the keeper of the balls,

"I need to discuss this with the owner of the balls.

"Can you have her come down at her earliest convenience, please?"

I once dated a doctor,

but you need to be way more impressed than that because girls

like me don't get to date the doctor unless that's their prison nickname.

And I knew it was...

At one point, he leaned over and whispered in my ear, he said, "Have you been a naughty girl?"

I said, "Yeah, I drink too much, I don't exercise and it's been ten years since I've had a smear.

I've had a circumcision.

If we're all just giving up info, we all may as well

-just lay it on the line, right?

-But did you have it as a little baby?

-23.

-Jesus! That's the real thing.

My bit of info is that the last time I did have a smear,

I got recognised from this show.

GROANS AND LAUGHTER

-Well, if you will keep getting your bits out on the show...

-Was it... Was it...

Did they pop up and go, "Love you on Mock The Week, by the way."?

My thing...is...

LAUGHTER

It's OK, Hugh, you can do this, man, it's all right.

I know I am a very good friend.

I have known my doctor for a long time. So, I...

I went in once cos I'd...

It was the same thing as you and I had to have things pushed

up where the sun doesn't shine and all that.

And I asked for the diagnosis afterwards and I said,

"Well, is it polyps?"

And he went, "Well, frankly, you've just got a very tatty arse."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And at the end of that round, the points go Angela, Hugh and Ed!

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See, so

if everyone could make their way over to the performance area.

I'll read out this week's topics

and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

OK, here we go. The first subject is...

Yoga, it's just stretching for twats.

Hello, I'm Dara O Briain.

APPLAUSE

Welcome to Fitness With Theresa May. I'm Amber Rudd.

I'm going to make you sweaty and breathless.

I've turned the heating up and hidden your inhaler.

I'd like you to raise your arms to here.

And then to here, and then to there.

OK, I'm afraid I'm going to have to take away your disability benefits.

And remember, guys, pain is temporary, except for Tony

who got one of his nuts caught on the trampoline springs.

This isn't going to work, is it?

You can't even be bothered to leave the house.

CHEERING

Stretch and release, stretch and release.

Welcome to the penis-enlargement workout.

Can you feel the burn?

Then I recommend cranberry juice.

I never used to fit into this dress.

But, now I've had my penis removed...

Oh, yeah, you can feel the burn.

These used to be my trousers until I discovered the secret.

Buying smaller trousers.

Next, I'm going to show you my pecs. There are thousands of them.

I got assaulted by a chicken.

OK, let's work on those more unsightly areas.

Bums, tums and Croydon.

OK, now we're going to watch a Carry On film

so you can work on your "Corrr".

And remember, girls, when it comes to weightlifting,

what we're really looking for is a nice clean snatch.

Go on, just stretch. Reach for your toes. Reach for them.

Imagine your toes are made of chocolate, you fat fuck!

OK, the next topic is...

He pressed his lips to hers and slid his tongue in.

"That's not how you're supposed to do it," shouted the other paramedic.

He was everything a woman wanted in a man.

He was 47, greying, chubby, slightly camp.

He kissed her breast...tenderly. "Oi," she said.

"Get your own KFC bucket!"

"Mr Darcy is the most eligible bachelor in the county,"

said Mrs Bennet. "And he's hung like a fucking carthorse!"

Everything was in place.

The bubble bath had been poured, the chocolate was there,

the scented candles had been lit.

This was going to be the best wank ever.

He put the chocolates down beside her. Silence.

And then at last she spoke.

"Unexpected item in the bagging area."

6'2" and with shoulders so broad,

they looked like they could carry the weight of the world

and a full, lustrous moustache.

Rebecca really was an unusual-looking lady.

He took her by the hand. "It's wonderful to see you again.

"The country air becomes you. Bosom still heaving, I see.

"Shit, did I say that last bit out loud?"

I need to hear you say it again.

Why? Why do you love me, Alexa?

He had never had a menage a trois before,

let alone with two famous brothers.

They drove her wild all night with her cries all night of,

"To me, to you, to me, to you, to me!"

CHEERING

Sophie looked absolutely beautiful in her flowing wedding dress.

Admittedly, it was an odd choice to wear on a first date.

When they left the bar, she saw him in a new light.

Daylight, and he was disgusting.

LAUGHTER

I want to see you shit in this bin.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That...does fulfil the criteria.

Christian Grey turned to her and said,

"I'm going to make you feel pain like you've never felt before."

And he put Ed Sheeran's Galway Girl on repeat.

As he gently removed her bra, she whispered,

"Why are you wearing my bra?"

"Oh, Mr Darcy, you're so becoming." "Really?"

he replied, "Cos I think it's you that will be coming!"

At the end of that round, the points go to Angela, Hugh and Ed!

And that's the end of the show.

This week's winners are Hal Cruttenden, Zoe Lyons and Ed Byrne.

Commiserations to Ed Gamble, Hugh Dennis and Angela Barnes!

Thank you for watching, I'm Dara O Briain, goodnight.

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