Episode 5 Mock the Week


Episode 5

Dara O Briain and Hugh Dennis look back on another week's events with the help of guests Angela Barnes, Ed Byrne, Hal Cruttenden, Ed Gamble and Zoe Lyons.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

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# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

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# Read all about it

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# Read all about it

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# News of the world

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# News of the world

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# Read all about it

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# Read all about it

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# News of the world

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# News of the world. #

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APPLAUSE

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Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.

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Joining me this week are Hal Cruttenden, Zoe Lyons and Ed Byrne,

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Ed Gamble, Hugh Dennis and Angela Barnes.

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APPLAUSE

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Welcome. Welcome.

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We start tonight with a round called Picture of the Week.

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I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me

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what's happening. So what's going on here?

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That looks like Michael Gove easing himself onto a hard Brexit.

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Maybe it's just so simple - a poor person has just walked in the room.

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He's gone...

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Is this what happens when you wake up

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and you realise that you're Michael Gove?

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I think he's realised that wasn't just a fart.

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He looks like a haunted Pez dispenser.

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Could you imagine if you bought a blow-up doll,

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and you took it home and blew it up, and it looked like that?

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I reckon what you can't see behind it

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is Boris just stabbing away at him in the back.

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He's just had a fantastic idea, that's all.

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He's just had a moment of political epiphany.

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"Wait! I know! What if we ruined everything?"

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-Can anyone tell me exactly what it is?

-Yes, it's Michael Gove.

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Yes, it is. Thank you very much.

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APPLAUSE

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Yes, this is a picture of Conservative MP Michael Gove.

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He was in the news this week after he suggested that the Government

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should lift the public sector pay cap whilst pressure

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mounted on Theresa May and Philip Hammond to ease austerity.

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A number of them have said this.

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Apparently Boris Johnson has said this.

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What makes it unfortunate about the timing that they're

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suddenly calling for a lifting of the public service pay cap?

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-Because it's about a week after they voted against it.

-Yeah!

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And it seems like very empty words at this stage.

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It is almost as though this Government haven't got a clue

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what they're doing.

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-ZOE:

-It's almost like a sat nav sort of leading the country

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at the moment, and it's stuck on, "Make a U-turn where possible."

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It's an amazing decision to give Minister for the Environment

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to someone who looks like they've never been outside before.

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He does have a look of the sickly Victorian child.

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Yeah, he looks like he drowned in a well.

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He's going to clash with May, though, isn't he?

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Cos he's also Minister of Agriculture, isn't he?

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So he's got to stop her running through the wheat fields.

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I feel uncomfortable to pick all the time on the way he looks

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cos, you know, he can't help that, it's his policies that are ugly,

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not just the fact he looks like Pob's dad.

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What else has he announced this week?

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Well, basically, we're stopping foreign fishermen

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coming into our inshore waters

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so they can't scoop up our nappies and our turds.

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British turds for British beaches!

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"I think you'll find that is a British shopping trolley, Senor!"

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What I imagine now is that if I was in charge of a European trawler now,

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I would take it right up to the edge, about 12 miles,

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and I'd have loads of fish food

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and I'd just dump it in the sea so all the fish come across...

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6-12 months, that's all it is.

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6-12 months in the kind of environment

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in which fish can move very easily.

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We've kept ourselves a very small strip, haven't we?

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-We've essentially given ourselves a fishing Brazilian.

-Yes, yes.

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I think they're going to police it by stopping the foreign boats

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coming in by having Gove out on a rock somewhere

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-just in a pair of Speedos like that. "Oh, my God!"

-What, like a siren?

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Michael Gove lying across the rocks

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luring Spanish fishermen to their deaths?

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# Ooo-ahhhh! #

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"Oh, my God, look at that disappointing blow-up doll!"

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"No matter...

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"Pedro!"

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LAUGHTER

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It feels like it's going to be one of those episodes! "Really, Pedro?

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"One of those episodes?" "Si, Senor."

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That's, of course, your character who is from the country of Foreign.

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Yes.

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What else did he say, by the way?

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What did he say about graduates and university educations?

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He's raised the possible question of we should maybe discuss

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-tuition fees.

-They're just sort of grabbing a lot of Corbyn's popular

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policies from the election, aren't they?

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We're about a week away from Theresa May announcing

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she wants to put more money into Stormzy.

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It's funny, cos you'd almost think we should have had, like, a few

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weeks ago, maybe some big event where everybody could have

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laid out their policies.

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APPLAUSE

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We'll wait. September, October, there'll be another one.

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It all begins again.

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What, by the way, is Theresa May reportedly prepared to do

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-if Brexit negotiations don't go her way?

-She's going to storm out.

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-She's going to storm out?

-If she's not happy with the negotiations,

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she's going to storm out.

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It's like they spent 12 months saying, "We cannot reveal our hand,

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"we must not let the other side know what we're going to do

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"and then we're telling them that we're going to storm out."

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It's almost as though this government haven't got a clue

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what they're doing.

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Knowing Theresa May, no matter how much she plans it in advance,

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she'll end up storming out, accidentally walk into

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the stationery cupboard and have to stay in there for three hours.

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That's exactly what happens when you try. I've never had a successful storm-out.

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I once stormed out after an argument with my boyfriend -

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we were in a pub, and I stormed out.

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And then I realised I'd left my handbag and my keys on the table

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and there's nothing worse than having to storm back in again.

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Did you do the, "And another thing!"?

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Also, they wanted to be hard-headed and cold-eyed, and you think,

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"She does that very, very, very well."

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In fact, every morning, her aides have to come in

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and carry her out onto the lawn so that she is warmed by the sun.

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Is she on a warming rock? She's on a warming rock!

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She's on a little warming rock.

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Slowly her internal body temperature is rising.

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She does have a look in her, in that very photograph,

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like she's looking at the sun, going, "Ah, you are my enemy,

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"but also, I need you, I need you."

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It's Despicable May.

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GROANS AND APPLAUSE

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There is a thing where it's like a marriage, where,

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if you leave and storm out, you do lose everything. That's the thing.

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If I left my wife and go, "Right, I'm going. Goodbye.

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"But you get the house, you get the kids, you get the money..."

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-Is that how you're choosing to do it on Mock The Week?

-Having said

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that, my wife's Northern Irish

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so she's recently come into quite a lot of money.

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OK, moving on. How has Jeremy Corbyn tightened his grip on the Labour Party?

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-Oh, he wants to get rid of the moderates. Indeed, yes.

-He does!

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Corbyn is moving towards a hard Brexit. Who would he get rid of?

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-Do you know?

-He's purged the moderates, hasn't he?

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-Purged the moderates.

-He's purged them.

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But if they repent,

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he'll allow them to work on a collective allotment or something.

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It feels pretty hypocritical, though.

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Cos, as an MP, he defied the whip, like, over 400 times

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and now he's getting angry with people for defying the whip.

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That's like Adele firing her tour manager for calling in sick.

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GROANS

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I think somebody had tickets.

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-ANGELA:

-A lot of people are worried, aren't they,

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with the new Shadow Cabinet that they're very...

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sort of inexperienced. I just sort of think, "Well, they're the Shadow Cabinet,

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they can't really do anything." It's like worrying that you've got

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an inexperienced air guitarist, you know.

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APPLAUSE

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Come on, John, you could kill somebody with licks like that!

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I think he's just in a bad mood cos he's on a come-down

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from Glastonbury.

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You think he needs like a V Festival or something just...

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Yeah, just to bring him back down, level him back out.

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-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Exactly, yeah.

-Cos he probably came back and he was all high from people chanting

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his name and he's like, "No-one's chanting my name any more."

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And he'd look down sadly at the wristband he's definitely left on.

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Do you know the toilets at Glastonbury? They've got...

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You sit on this thing and it's got a thing on the door saying, "Do you know what?

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"One in three people in the world don't have a toilet."

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I'm thinking, "Well, lucky bastards. I'd rather shit in a field than be..."

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You know you're going into a bad toilet when there's a sign

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-on the door reminding you that other people don't have toilets.

-Exactly.

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-It was a bit like that.

-I open shows going,

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"You know, some people don't even have access to comedy."

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APPLAUSE

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At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Zoe and Hal!

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Now we play a round called Trumpty Dumpty Sat On A Wall. This game...

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SNIGGERING AND LAUGHTER

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..involves Angela and Hal.

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So if you could make your way to the performance area, please.

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This round is a stand-up challenge.

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I launch the wheel of news and wherever it chooses to stop,

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one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.

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OK. Here we go. Let's spin the wheel.

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-This first subject is growing old.

-Oh, I'll have that.

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-Who wants to come in on that? Angela.

-Cool.

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I recently turned 40, and I want to reassure anyone younger,

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turning 40 is really easy.

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My friend turned 40 recently, she made a bucket list, right.

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She said to me, "You've got to make a bucket list."

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And I said, "Do you know what I hear when I hear bucket list?

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"I hear admin." They're always so ambitious, aren't they? It's like,

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"Oh, I want to go to the Taj Mahal, I want to swim with dolphins."

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The only thing I could think of that I genuinely would want to

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put on my bucket list is that one day - one day -

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I'd like to put half a packet of biscuits back in a cupboard.

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APPLAUSE

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But getting old...

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Growing old in this country looks scary and it's looking scarier and scarier.

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You know, by the time I get to old age,

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there won't be care homes any more, will there?

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There'll just be an OAP Rescue Centre.

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Something like Battersea Dogs Home.

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This idealistic young couple will come in,

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they'll get shown around - "This is Maud, she likes knitting,

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"gardening, casual racism, why don't you take her home?"

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That's what it'll be. We have to worry about these things!

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We do, cos we're all living longer, aren't we?

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There's so many 100-year-olds in this country now the Queen's

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had to get a Moonpig account to keep up.

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This is my plan for old age.

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If I get there, right, if I get to my 80s,

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I am going to spend every single day doing class-A hard-core drugs.

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Why wouldn't you, right? You don't have to get up in the morning, do you?

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You'll never have trouble finding a vein.

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I'll tell you something,

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you might not be able to afford to heat your bungalow,

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but I bet you can afford to heat a teaspoon

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and then you won't give a shit how cold you are.

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No-brainer, isn't it?

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APPLAUSE Thank you very much, Angela Barnes.

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So, that leaves us with Hal.

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Let's see what your topic is, let's spin the wheel.

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-The topic is nationality.

-Oh, yes!

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Um, well, I'm English, obviously, which is rubbish, isn't it?

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No-one likes us. If you...

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I follow England at rugby, at football, everywhere we go,

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we get booed. Everybody else boos us.

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And, my wife, Northern Irish, boos me in bed. That's the truth.

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It's like, "Oh, you're rubbish, get off! You English are crap!"

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"It's not all English people, it's just me."

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I was actually doing a gig in Scotland a couple of years ago in

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Glasgow and I said to a roomful of Scottish people, "Is it true

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"whenever we play football, you support the opposition?"

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And they all went, "Yeah, yeah, we do!" I said, "Do you know what?

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"We'd do the same to you, we just never know when you're playing."

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But I happen to think that sort of anti-English thing

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and with Brexit means the UK is finished.

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Eventually, in my lifetime, the UK is going to break-up.

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As I've said, I was a passionate Remainer when it came to Brexit.

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Or Remoaner or - my favourite one -

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a sneering member of the metropolitan middle class liberal elite.

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I love being called that. I love being called elite.

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It makes me sound like... We're sort of super troops, you know,

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that go around the area in a van keeping it bourgeois.

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We all screech to a halt, we jump out,

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we take up our favourite yoga position immediately.

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"That cafe's no longer serving decaf soya lattes! Destroy it!"

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"Say that word, say that word!"

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"Kwin-noa...?" "It's quinoa, you bastard!"

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Thank you very much! Well done, Hal Cruttenden!

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At the end of the round, points for both of you! Come on back.

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Our next round is called,

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"If this is the answer, what is the question?".

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On the board are six categories. Hal, which category would you like?

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-I would like World News, please.

-OK, your category is World News.

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The answer is...

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What is the question?

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Is this what Jeremy Corbyn wants the voting age to be reduced to?

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Is it, in his dreams,

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how long would each of Dara's science specials last?

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APPLAUSE

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-You love the science.

-I feel that there's a lot we can all learn.

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Is it how long does every minute feel like if you're Melania Trump?

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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Is...

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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Is it how long did it take me

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to actually find the exit once I'd bought my tea lights in Ikea?

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Is it how long till Julian Assange makes another vertical

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scratch on the wall of his embassy bedroom?

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APPLAUSE

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Is it how long is the time between my mum's two-part text messages?

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Is it how long do you have to come up with evidence before the DA

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busts your ass?

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Is this from the new action movie Strangely English Cop?

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-UPPER CLASS ACCENT:

-I'll bust your ass!

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-UPPER CLASS ACCENT:

-I'm terribly sorry to hear your arse is in a sling. I...

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We'll have to take that straight to the lord mayor!

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How long was Jeremy Corbyn awake at Glastonbury after taking what

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he thought was an aspirin?

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-Does anyone know the correct answer?

-The correct answer is...

-Yes?

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How much warning, apparently, are we going to get,

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before Donald Trump comes on a visit to the UK?

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Absolutely right, thank you very much, Hugh.

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This is news of a gap in his diary that means that the President

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could drop in and visit Britain sometime in mid July.

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Can I say, "President Trump could drop in," is the best euphemism

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for, "I'm about to fart," I've ever heard.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Is the short notice supposed to cut down on the likelihood of protests?

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-Yes, I'd imagine.

-He's really underestimating the British public.

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We do not need anything more than 24 hours to buy some eggs,

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write "Prick" on a placard and drive to Scotland.

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I'm actually going to be in America, I think, when he's coming over.

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I'm going to America next weekend and so I had to fill in my...

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-You know the ESTA thing?

-ESTA form, yeah.

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I had to fill it in today

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and they now ask you about your social media

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and your online presence on it

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and I'm really worried cos I've got an account with Mecca Bingo.

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The mainly reason he's going to Scotland partly to visit the

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golf courses, partly to do his bi-annual Irn Bru bath just to...

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..bronze it up again.

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When he gets to Scotland, though, he's going to...

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He'll presumably visit Hadrian's Wall, won't he?

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And then Tweet about how this has successfully kept Mexicans

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out of Scotland for...

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Yeah, how has Trump himself dealt in fake news this week?

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It's a false Time magazine cover, isn't it?

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Yes, he put up fake Time magazine covers in five of his clubs.

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This, which was framed,

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with "Donald Trump is a television smash" written on it.

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And then, if you go to the barcode, actually,

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if you scan the barcode, it just sends you directly to

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a website that allows you to create your own fake Time magazine covers.

0:16:520:16:55

What... What is the point of that?

0:16:550:16:57

-He's actually been on the cover of real Time magazine!

-Yes.

0:16:570:17:00

It's like you mocking yourself up in front of the Mock The Week

0:17:000:17:02

logo going, "I told you I was on the show!"

0:17:020:17:05

In that photo, he looks like he's absolutely determined to have

0:17:050:17:08

very pointy orange eyebrows.

0:17:080:17:11

For a man who gives out about fake news,

0:17:140:17:16

and had this ridiculous thing up, it is kind of offensive, really.

0:17:160:17:20

It's something I expand upon, actually, quite a lot

0:17:200:17:22

in an interview I did recently with Woman's Heath magazine.

0:17:220:17:26

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:17:290:17:32

I have to say, at first, I was disappointed there wasn't

0:17:350:17:39

an article about me, but then I spotted "Killer Abs! On the Loose".

0:17:390:17:43

It's something I discuss quite at length, in an interview

0:17:430:17:46

I recently did with Classic & Sports Car magazine which I...

0:17:460:17:49

You'll see these... It's just a thing I have on the wall at home.

0:17:510:17:56

How many of these did you do?

0:17:560:17:59

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:17:590:18:02

Oh! That makes you look like Vladimir Putin. Oh!

0:18:020:18:06

That is, may I say, your Photoshop skills ran out.

0:18:060:18:10

Dara O Briain,

0:18:100:18:12

How I've Learnt To Ride A Horse Despite My Heavily Broken Neck.

0:18:120:18:15

I cannot see to the front and yet I can still jump the fences!

0:18:180:18:23

No, put me back on the horse, I wish to ride again!

0:18:230:18:26

In other news, how might doctors greet us in the future?

0:18:280:18:30

They want to get rid of the handshake because it spreads germs.

0:18:300:18:34

-Yes.

-So, they are suggesting other ways to do it such as the fist bump.

0:18:340:18:38

-Yeah.

-Because they feel that doctors aren't respected enough.

0:18:380:18:42

They feel that this would command a great deal more respect.

0:18:420:18:46

The fist bump is a bit aggressive and I wouldn't want to hear

0:18:460:18:50

the word fist bump if I went into my GP surgery.

0:18:500:18:53

-Hand conkers is a nicer term.

-Hand conkers?

-Hand conker.

-Oh, that's nice.

0:18:530:18:58

Yeah, as a man, I don't want to hear hand conkers.

0:18:580:19:01

They could avoid contact altogether by just doing

0:19:030:19:06

the high five, scuba dive!

0:19:060:19:08

But, a lot of the time, this is a time

0:19:080:19:11

when you've come out of surgery

0:19:110:19:12

and the family are there. The thing about the handshake

0:19:120:19:15

is that it can be both a happy thing, a respectful thing,

0:19:150:19:18

it can be sad - fist bumps really... They don't carry off bad news well.

0:19:180:19:24

-Boom, oh-ho!

-Yeah...

0:19:240:19:27

It doesn't really work.

0:19:300:19:31

I just sort of thought, imagine if you went to a fertility clinic

0:19:340:19:37

and you were told by the doctor that the motility of your sperm

0:19:370:19:40

was such that you were infertile and then he went, "Down low, too slow."

0:19:400:19:44

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

0:19:450:19:47

I think a good system might be to shake your doctor's hand

0:19:510:19:54

-based on the look of the person who was in there last.

-Yes.

0:19:540:19:58

Like, if someone comes out scratching his nuts,

0:19:580:20:00

it's probably just a stiff nod and a "hello" today.

0:20:000:20:03

Patient presented with weird Napoleon Complex, refused to

0:20:040:20:07

take hand from jacket.

0:20:070:20:10

Is that a Dictaphone or are you smoking a pipe?

0:20:110:20:14

That's your doctor impression!

0:20:140:20:16

I am at a conference of other doctors discussing

0:20:160:20:19

an interesting patient I had!

0:20:190:20:21

Do you know what gets me about doctors?

0:20:210:20:23

I think what is difficult about them

0:20:230:20:25

is that they are so grown-up about embarrassing things. Aren't they?

0:20:250:20:28

But they are like, sort of, you know, pop your trousers on the chair

0:20:280:20:30

and we'll do the rectal examination. They're very...

0:20:300:20:33

Wouldn't it be easier if they were more like us, just really going,

0:20:330:20:35

"You're not going to believe what I have to do to you now.

0:20:350:20:38

"You are not going to believe it. I can't see you any more, you're going

0:20:380:20:41

"to have to see someone else, it's just, you know..." It'd be fine.

0:20:410:20:45

I went in for an appendicitis thing and this was

0:20:450:20:48

when I was in my mid-20s and the girl came in to do it,

0:20:480:20:50

the junior doctor came in, and I knew her cos I was in my 20s

0:20:500:20:54

and she was in her 20s and it was near the university that

0:20:540:20:57

I went to and it was kind of a...

0:20:570:20:59

-And she said, I have to do a rectal exam now.

-I bet she didn't have to!

0:20:590:21:03

And it was, "OK, let's never speak of this again."

0:21:030:21:06

Actually, they do have to. It wasn't as though she saw me

0:21:060:21:09

and went, "You arsehole, I'm going to do a rectal exam with you now.

0:21:090:21:13

"I have been waiting for this moment for many years.

0:21:130:21:15

"Oh, hit your head in the snow, did you? Well, rectal exam for you, man."

0:21:150:21:20

I remember going to my GP to discuss having a vasectomy, and

0:21:200:21:23

she said, "I can't talk to you about this on your own,

0:21:230:21:26

"I need to discuss this with your wife, as well.

0:21:260:21:28

-"Cos this affects her too." And I'm like...

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-.."They're my balls!"

0:21:280:21:32

That high pitched, though, which really rather...

0:21:320:21:35

"But they're my balls!"

0:21:350:21:37

And she just gives me this doctory look like,

0:21:370:21:39

"We get a lot of men in here thinking it's their balls."

0:21:390:21:42

"You are merely the keeper of the balls,

0:21:470:21:50

"I need to discuss this with the owner of the balls.

0:21:500:21:54

"Can you have her come down at her earliest convenience, please?"

0:21:540:21:57

I once dated a doctor,

0:21:570:21:58

but you need to be way more impressed than that because girls

0:21:580:22:01

like me don't get to date the doctor unless that's their prison nickname.

0:22:010:22:05

And I knew it was...

0:22:060:22:08

At one point, he leaned over and whispered in my ear, he said, "Have you been a naughty girl?"

0:22:080:22:12

I said, "Yeah, I drink too much, I don't exercise and it's been ten years since I've had a smear.

0:22:120:22:16

I've had a circumcision.

0:22:160:22:19

If we're all just giving up info, we all may as well

0:22:210:22:23

-just lay it on the line, right?

-But did you have it as a little baby?

0:22:230:22:26

-23.

-Jesus! That's the real thing.

0:22:260:22:30

My bit of info is that the last time I did have a smear,

0:22:300:22:33

I got recognised from this show.

0:22:330:22:35

GROANS AND LAUGHTER

0:22:350:22:37

-Well, if you will keep getting your bits out on the show...

-Was it... Was it...

0:22:370:22:40

Did they pop up and go, "Love you on Mock The Week, by the way."?

0:22:400:22:43

My thing...is...

0:22:430:22:47

LAUGHTER

0:22:470:22:49

It's OK, Hugh, you can do this, man, it's all right.

0:22:490:22:51

I know I am a very good friend.

0:22:510:22:53

I have known my doctor for a long time. So, I...

0:22:530:22:57

I went in once cos I'd...

0:22:570:22:58

It was the same thing as you and I had to have things pushed

0:22:580:23:02

up where the sun doesn't shine and all that.

0:23:020:23:04

And I asked for the diagnosis afterwards and I said,

0:23:040:23:07

"Well, is it polyps?"

0:23:070:23:08

And he went, "Well, frankly, you've just got a very tatty arse."

0:23:080:23:14

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:23:160:23:18

And at the end of that round, the points go Angela, Hugh and Ed!

0:23:210:23:24

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See, so

0:23:280:23:31

if everyone could make their way over to the performance area.

0:23:310:23:34

I'll read out this week's topics

0:23:340:23:35

and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

0:23:350:23:38

OK, here we go. The first subject is...

0:23:380:23:41

Yoga, it's just stretching for twats.

0:23:440:23:47

Hello, I'm Dara O Briain.

0:23:510:23:54

APPLAUSE

0:23:560:23:57

Welcome to Fitness With Theresa May. I'm Amber Rudd.

0:24:000:24:04

I'm going to make you sweaty and breathless.

0:24:090:24:11

I've turned the heating up and hidden your inhaler.

0:24:110:24:14

I'd like you to raise your arms to here.

0:24:180:24:21

And then to here, and then to there.

0:24:210:24:24

OK, I'm afraid I'm going to have to take away your disability benefits.

0:24:240:24:27

And remember, guys, pain is temporary, except for Tony

0:24:300:24:35

who got one of his nuts caught on the trampoline springs.

0:24:350:24:38

This isn't going to work, is it?

0:24:430:24:45

You can't even be bothered to leave the house.

0:24:450:24:47

CHEERING

0:24:500:24:53

Stretch and release, stretch and release.

0:24:530:24:56

Welcome to the penis-enlargement workout.

0:24:560:24:58

Can you feel the burn?

0:25:010:25:03

Then I recommend cranberry juice.

0:25:030:25:05

I never used to fit into this dress.

0:25:100:25:12

But, now I've had my penis removed...

0:25:120:25:14

Oh, yeah, you can feel the burn.

0:25:190:25:22

These used to be my trousers until I discovered the secret.

0:25:290:25:32

Buying smaller trousers.

0:25:320:25:35

Next, I'm going to show you my pecs. There are thousands of them.

0:25:370:25:40

I got assaulted by a chicken.

0:25:400:25:42

OK, let's work on those more unsightly areas.

0:25:460:25:49

Bums, tums and Croydon.

0:25:490:25:51

OK, now we're going to watch a Carry On film

0:25:550:25:57

so you can work on your "Corrr".

0:25:570:26:00

And remember, girls, when it comes to weightlifting,

0:26:050:26:08

what we're really looking for is a nice clean snatch.

0:26:080:26:11

Go on, just stretch. Reach for your toes. Reach for them.

0:26:160:26:19

Imagine your toes are made of chocolate, you fat fuck!

0:26:190:26:22

OK, the next topic is...

0:26:260:26:29

He pressed his lips to hers and slid his tongue in.

0:26:310:26:34

"That's not how you're supposed to do it," shouted the other paramedic.

0:26:340:26:38

He was everything a woman wanted in a man.

0:26:420:26:44

He was 47, greying, chubby, slightly camp.

0:26:440:26:48

He kissed her breast...tenderly. "Oi," she said.

0:26:550:26:59

"Get your own KFC bucket!"

0:26:590:27:01

"Mr Darcy is the most eligible bachelor in the county,"

0:27:060:27:10

said Mrs Bennet. "And he's hung like a fucking carthorse!"

0:27:100:27:13

Everything was in place.

0:27:180:27:19

The bubble bath had been poured, the chocolate was there,

0:27:190:27:22

the scented candles had been lit.

0:27:220:27:24

This was going to be the best wank ever.

0:27:240:27:27

He put the chocolates down beside her. Silence.

0:27:330:27:38

And then at last she spoke.

0:27:380:27:40

"Unexpected item in the bagging area."

0:27:400:27:44

6'2" and with shoulders so broad,

0:27:490:27:51

they looked like they could carry the weight of the world

0:27:510:27:54

and a full, lustrous moustache.

0:27:540:27:57

Rebecca really was an unusual-looking lady.

0:27:570:27:59

He took her by the hand. "It's wonderful to see you again.

0:28:040:28:08

"The country air becomes you. Bosom still heaving, I see.

0:28:080:28:11

"Shit, did I say that last bit out loud?"

0:28:110:28:14

I need to hear you say it again.

0:28:170:28:19

Why? Why do you love me, Alexa?

0:28:190:28:24

He had never had a menage a trois before,

0:28:290:28:32

let alone with two famous brothers.

0:28:320:28:34

They drove her wild all night with her cries all night of,

0:28:340:28:37

"To me, to you, to me, to you, to me!"

0:28:370:28:40

CHEERING

0:28:410:28:43

Sophie looked absolutely beautiful in her flowing wedding dress.

0:28:460:28:50

Admittedly, it was an odd choice to wear on a first date.

0:28:500:28:52

When they left the bar, she saw him in a new light.

0:28:550:28:58

Daylight, and he was disgusting.

0:28:580:29:00

LAUGHTER

0:29:060:29:08

I want to see you shit in this bin.

0:29:120:29:14

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:29:180:29:20

That...does fulfil the criteria.

0:29:250:29:28

Christian Grey turned to her and said,

0:29:310:29:34

"I'm going to make you feel pain like you've never felt before."

0:29:340:29:38

And he put Ed Sheeran's Galway Girl on repeat.

0:29:380:29:40

As he gently removed her bra, she whispered,

0:29:450:29:48

"Why are you wearing my bra?"

0:29:480:29:50

"Oh, Mr Darcy, you're so becoming." "Really?"

0:29:550:29:58

he replied, "Cos I think it's you that will be coming!"

0:29:580:30:02

At the end of that round, the points go to Angela, Hugh and Ed!

0:30:060:30:09

And that's the end of the show.

0:30:160:30:18

This week's winners are Hal Cruttenden, Zoe Lyons and Ed Byrne.

0:30:180:30:21

Commiserations to Ed Gamble, Hugh Dennis and Angela Barnes!

0:30:240:30:28

Thank you for watching, I'm Dara O Briain, goodnight.

0:30:300:30:33

# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

0:30:360:30:41

# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

0:30:410:30:45

# Read all about it Read all about it

0:30:470:30:53

# News of the world News of the world. #

0:30:530:30:56

Dara O Briain and Hugh Dennis look back on another week's events with the help of guests Angela Barnes, Ed Byrne, Hal Cruttenden, Ed Gamble and Zoe Lyons.