Episode 6 Mock the Week


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Episode 6

Dara O Briain and Hugh Dennis look back on another week's events with the help of guests Rhys James, Tom Allen, Ed Byrne, Nish Kumar and Tiff Stevenson.


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This programme contains some strong language

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# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

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# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

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# Read all about it!

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# Read all about it!

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# News of the World! News of the World!

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# Read all about it!

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# Read all about it!

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# News of the World!

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# News of the World! #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello, and welcome to Mock The Week.

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I'm Dara O Briain. Joining me this week are Nish Kumar,

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Tiff Stevenson and Ed Byrne,

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Rhys James, Hugh Dennis and Tom Allen.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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We start with a round called Picture of the Week.

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I show the panel a topical image

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and ask them to tell me what's happening.

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So, what's going on here?

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I can tell you exactly what that is.

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That's the bloke who runs America - talking to President Trump.

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LAUGHTER

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Is Trump saying, "No, I said you gave me an ELECTION!"

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Is Trump saying, "I genuinely thought you and the meerkat

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"were the same guy"?

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LAUGHTER

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I can't imagine the conversation is going very well

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because Vladimir Putin doesn't speak very good English

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and Donald Trump also doesn't speak very good English.

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LAUGHTER

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It looks like a before and after for one of those hair restoring clinics.

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LAUGHTER

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-RUSSIAN ACCENT:

-He's saying, "This is what they used

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"when I had my prostate exam!"

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Is he saying "So which journalist do you want me to have killed?"

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AUDIENCE GASPS

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Clearly went too far with that one.

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I didn't realise this was a pro-Putin audience.

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LAUGHTER

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The shocking, anti-Putin bias at the BBC!

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This is political correctness gone mad!

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RUSSIAN ACCENT: This is political correctness gone mad.

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LAUGHTER

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For a second, I considered going for the accent and I pulled out of it,

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and when I heard you do it I was like, "Good decision, Kumar".

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I think you can do the Russian accent, yeah.

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-RUSSIAN ACCENT:

-Do you really think so?

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Oh, no, I can't.

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LAUGHTER

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Is it Trump saying,

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"I can with Viagra but all that comes out is a weird-smelling dust?"

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He's probably just going...

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-RUSSIAN ACCENT:

-Look into my eyes,

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I did not hack American Election.

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LAUGHTER

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That's Sesame Street!

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AS THE COUNT: Who has one thumb and did election?

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This guy!

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This is the first annual meeting of the We Are Definitely Not Bald Club.

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, and what a tedious meeting that would be.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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OK, is anyone going to tell me what it actually is?

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It's Vladimir Putin meeting Donald Trump at the G20.

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Thank you very much, Nish Kumar, you're absolutely right.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Yes, this is a picture of US President Donald Trump

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and Russian President Vladimir Putin

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meeting at this week's G20 Summit in Hamburg.

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How did it all go? Did you enjoy the G20 this year?

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This particular meeting there,

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for a first date, this one seemed to go very, very well, didn't it?

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Yeah, it did, yeah. Trump came out immediately afterwards

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and was like... "He did, he did?"

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LAUGHTER

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Well, it was Pride weekend.

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Why not, it's the G20.

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You know it has that effect on people.

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Is that what the G stands for?!

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Gay 20, yeah. The 20 biggest gays.

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20 biggest gays in the world!

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Sorry, Tom, but please tell me - how does one measure the biggest gays?

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Do they host that at Camp David?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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But Trump immediately emerged after the conversation and said

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"Oh, I've talked to Putin about the hacking, and he didn't do it".

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And you go, "That's not how anything works."

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It would be like my six-year-old saying,

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"I asked my Daddy if he let me win that running race,

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"and he said he didn't.

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"He said he was running as best he could

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"and I won the running race because I'm fastest."

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-That cleared up.

-I... I was fastest.

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LAUGHTER

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You love the age difference, don't you?

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You just do.

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Got to have an angle somewhere, mate.

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It's very, very difficult, though,

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for Donald Trump to admit that the Russians interfered

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in the American election

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cos the only reason the Russians would have done it

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is they know, that by getting him elected,

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they would turn America into a laughing stock and a disaster.

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Which is why the Russians didn't interfere in our election,

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because they know that we can do that all on our own.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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He said that he'd questioned him.

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Twice, I think he said, he'd questioned whether they'd interfered

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in the election and Putin said, "We do not interfere in this election,

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"we will not interfere in the next election which YOU WILL WIN!"

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LAUGHTER

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Can you just imagine, though,

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if Donald Trump actually did say to him,

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"Did you hack our election?

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"Were you involved in meddling in our election?"

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You can just imagine Putin just looking at him going

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"How thick are you?!"

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"We had this conversation, you asked us to do it".

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LAUGHTER

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It's coming out and they're now saying that, you know,

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this is the first time there is something concrete

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that might lead to Trump's impeachment.

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But what I love about it is the innocence of people

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thinking if he gets impeached he's going to leave.

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Like, this doesn't end with him walking out,

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this ends with him on the roof,

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holding Melania like King Kong

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and bi-planes speeding towards The White House

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just thinking, "Well, this was always going to go down this way".

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The meeting was apparently 2 hours and 16 minutes long,

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and everyone finds that ridiculous, what were they up to?

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And I don't want to make assumptions

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but 2 hours 16 minutes is the exact running time of Shrek 3.

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LAUGHTER

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I think, in fairness, we know which one's Shrek and which one's Donkey.

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Is that why Melania had to break it up?

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They literally had to send Melania in.

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Poor Melania, she is literally waiting just for him, like he's 71,

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he's on a bad diet, isn't he?

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He's worth a lot of money.

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She's just going to grease the stairs and shout "Fire!".

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Definitely, you know, you can see her

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every time she makes a public appearance

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-she's like...

-IMITATES:

-"Hello, I'm Melania, I speak five languages,

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"I know how to say 'help me' in all of them."

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LAUGHTER

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Who did Trump get to fill in for him at some of the G20 meetings?

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It was bring-your-daughter-to-work day at the G20, apparently.

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Yeah. Ivanka sat in on some of the meetings.

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But I think it's all a bit unfair because, you know,

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what Trump did is no different to what Obama did.

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He was also replaced by "Awanka".

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I like to think they were talking about global warming

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and then she just went...

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-VALLEY GIRL ACCENT:

-"I've got a really nice range of sandals

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"that can help you with that."

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That's how she talks.

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That's how everyone American talks.

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Like they're running out of batteries.

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LAUGHTER

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Moving on, how did Theresa May get on at the G20?

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She got on very, very well.

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-Did she?

-I tell you why she got on well.

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It's because, at the moment, she's under a lot of pressure

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so Philip Hammond, for example,

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has said that the economy should be at the centre of Brexit,

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it should be a soft Brexit.

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But Donald Trump has promised her a very quick trade deal

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with the United States,

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and it will be quick because negotiation will be very quick.

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They will say, "Will you accept irradiated beef,

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"vegetables full of hormones?"

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And we will say, "Hungry..."

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LAUGHTER

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Do you have any croissants?

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I remember croissants,

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but my children have never eaten croissants.

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I described them to them once.

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There was pastry everywhere.

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It was, oh.... I want some cheese, I want some cheese!

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Not Cheddar.

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LAUGHTER

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I always feel, as well,

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like Theresa May and Donald Trump have a slightly...

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She seems like a sort of school ma'am,

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she seems like a nanny to him, which I imagine he'd respond well to.

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Like, "No Donald, no Donald, no.

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"We are not going to misbehave,

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"we are not going to have a travel ban, are we?

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"If you misbehave, I don't care,

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"I will pull your pants down

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"and I will smack your bottom in front of all these world leaders.

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"What's going to happen is, I'm going to make some scones,

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"I'm going to give you some sugar paper and some crayons

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"and you're going to draw us a very nice trade deal.

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"Aren't you, Donald?

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"And if you don't behave yourself,

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"you can go to Mrs Merkel's office, you won't like that."

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I can imagine if Theresa May and Donald Trump

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ever have dinner together,

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Theresa May cuts his meat up for him.

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LAUGHTER

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Trump has said he's going to come to the UK.

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Right, he cancelled it before and now he's said he's going to come.

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Now he's not telling us when he's going to come so we can't protest.

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It's like when you get told like the Sky man's coming round

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so you've got to wait in between 8 and 6.

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That means you can't have a wank

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because you don't know when he's coming.

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LAUGHTER

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Who has Theresa May called on for help this week?

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-The Labour Party.

-Yes!

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She said can they help her deliver Brexit.

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That is definitely a trap.

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That is her going, "Come over here, Labour, and help me with Brexit.

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"I won't blame it on you".

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LAUGHTER

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Her asking Labour is just more evidence

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that Jeremy Corbyn did win the election.

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Now he gets to have a say, right?

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He gets his own chant, and thanks to that messed up high-five,

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he got to touch a boob.

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"It's all win for me", he said.

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Sure he's "messed up!"

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I'd love to be in that meeting where she says to him like,

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"So Jeremy, Jeremy, have you got any ideas?"

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And he goes, "Oh, yes," reaching into his hemp briefcase going,

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"Oh, yes, I have got an idea, yes. It's this."

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LAUGHTER

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OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Tom, Hugh and Rhys.

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Now we play a round called I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Vladimir.

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LAUGHTER

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This game involves Tom and Nish.

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So, if you could make your way to the performance area, please.

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This round is a stand-up challenge.

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I launch the Wheel of News, and wherever it chooses to stop,

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one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.

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OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.

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The first subject is...

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Politics. Oh, Nish.

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So, we're living through a real period of political instability,

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both here and in America.

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And in the last couple of months, some unlikely saviours have emerged.

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Tony Blair is considering a return to front line politics

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and Chelsea Clinton is contemplating a run for the senate in 2020.

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And to those people, let me just say this - maybe just leave it.

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LAUGHTER

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If you want to turn your public opinion around,

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the way to do it is philanthropy, right?

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And let's look at someone

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who has turned their public opinion around through philanthropy.

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Look at Bill Gates, right.

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Bill Gates, for the last 15 years, with his wife, Melinda,

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has spent all his time

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trying to fight the spread of infectious disease.

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I don't understand the science behind what's going on.

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From what I can tell,

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Bill Gates is trying to bribe AIDS to fuck off, right?

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LAUGHTER

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And we like him for that, but in the '90s, we hated Bill Gates

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because of the paperclip.

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Basically, there was a paperclip and you'd turn on Word

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and the paperclip would appear,

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and it would ask you if you were writing a letter,

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but you weren't writing a letter so you were like,

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"I hate you Bill Gates!

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"I'm going to buy Mac forever".

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LAUGHTER

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And there are people genuinely putting their money

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where their mouth is in regards to philanthropy.

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Look at JK Rowling.

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We all need to be very nice to JK Rowling from now on,

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because she may be about to be all we've got economically.

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We have no manufacturing sector,

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our service industry is being driven by mass migration from the EU.

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After Brexit, our entire economy

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may depend on the adventures of a fake wizard

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that technically ended in 2007, right?

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We've got the play, we've got the films, we've got the film tour,

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can we do a play tour?

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JK, please write another book, Wales is sinking!

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Maybe something about Harry trying to get his finances in order

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in his 30s, like Harry Potter And The Mystery Of The Fixed Rate ISA?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you very much, Nish.

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OK, that leaves us with Tom.

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Let's see what your topic is. Let's spin the wheel.

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Now the topic is family.

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Oh, OK, fine.

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I did that run very well, didn't I?

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So affording your own home is very difficult in today's climate.

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Recently, I've been forced to live with a couple.

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Er, they're called Dad and Mum.

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LAUGHTER

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And one thing that my parents' friends all like to let me know

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is that they are down with the poofs.

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LAUGHTER

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They are down with the poofs, they love the poofs, I'm gay,

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I don't know if I needed to explain that.

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LAUGHTER

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Well, I say I'm gay, I hardly find the time.

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LAUGHTER

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I mean, I'm a Gemini as well, but they don't get a parade.

0:13:330:13:36

The thing is, their friend, Les, wanted to come over and talk to me

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and Les comes over and he says,

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"Oh, Tom, I've got to tell you, I've got to tell you, right,

0:13:410:13:43

"my brother, right, my brother, he is gay now."

0:13:430:13:46

Gay now? I mean it sounded like he'd done an evening class

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and become a pilates instructor.

0:13:490:13:52

So he's, "Oh, yeah, my brother,

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"he's gay now and he was ever so worried about telling me,

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"ever so worried about telling me."

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He said, "Oh, I've got to tell you, Les, I'm gay, Les, I'm gay, Les.

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I thought, "Gay les"? That's complicated, isn't it?

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-LAUGHTER

-I didn't know you could be both.

0:14:020:14:04

He said, "I'm gay, Les, I'm gay, Les."

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"And I just said to him, Tom, I just said to him, 'Oh, don't worry, bruv.

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" 'There's one on every bus' ".

0:14:100:14:12

LAUGHTER

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Which I thought was a very confusing thing to say,

0:14:140:14:16

because as far as I'm concerned, all the gays I know use Uber.

0:14:160:14:19

LAUGHTER

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Thank you very much, Tom, well done.

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At the end of the round, the points go to Tom Allen.

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APPLAUSE

0:14:270:14:28

Our next round is called,

0:14:310:14:32

If This is the Answer, What is the Question?

0:14:320:14:35

On the board are six categories.

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Tom - which category would you like?

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World News, please.

0:14:380:14:39

So if your category is world news.

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And the answer is 580 miles.

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What is the question?

0:14:440:14:46

Is it how far the Proclaimers now have to walk

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to see their partner now they've been priced out of Aberdeen?

0:14:500:14:53

LAUGHTER

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Is it, according to my estate agent, how far can I throw a stone?

0:14:560:15:00

LAUGHTER

0:15:000:15:02

Is it how far wide of the mark everything Piers Morgan says is?

0:15:080:15:12

LAUGHTER

0:15:120:15:14

Is it the closest Anne Marie Morris has ever been to a person of colour?

0:15:140:15:17

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

0:15:170:15:19

What is the average distance

0:15:200:15:22

Melania Trump has maintained from Donald since he became president?

0:15:220:15:26

Is it, what would count as an inconveniently long penis?

0:15:260:15:30

LAUGHTER

0:15:300:15:32

Inconvenient in what way, though, Hugh?

0:15:330:15:36

How far can one dragon fly on a stomach full of children?

0:15:360:15:41

LAUGHTER

0:15:410:15:43

That was way darker than I expected.

0:15:430:15:46

Is it the furthest Theresa May has ever travelled

0:15:460:15:48

without performing a U-turn?

0:15:480:15:50

Ooh, I can do topical, guys!

0:15:520:15:54

Don't think I'm just a silly old gay.

0:15:540:15:56

LAUGHTER

0:15:560:15:58

Is it, if you took out your intestine and laid it out flat,

0:15:580:16:01

how far away would I move from your house?

0:16:010:16:03

LAUGHTER

0:16:030:16:05

Is it, if 580 miles were laid out - end to end...

0:16:070:16:13

LAUGHTER

0:16:130:16:16

Is it, how far away can Donald Trump Jr get

0:16:180:16:21

before they reach the end of the sentence, "Open up, it's the FBI"?

0:16:210:16:24

LAUGHTER

0:16:240:16:26

OK, does anyone have the correct answer?

0:16:270:16:29

Is it how far a North Korean missile has travelled?

0:16:290:16:31

Yes, this week, thank you very much, Nish Kumar.

0:16:310:16:33

Very good.

0:16:330:16:35

APPLAUSE

0:16:350:16:37

Yes, the question I was looking for was,

0:16:380:16:40

"How far did North Korea claim their latest missile travelled

0:16:400:16:43

"when they conducted a test-launch last week?".

0:16:430:16:46

Experts from the US-based Union of Concerned Scientists

0:16:460:16:49

suggest the missile could travel 6,700km, far enough to reach Alaska.

0:16:490:16:54

The Union of Concerned Scientists!

0:16:540:16:57

That sounds like a party bunch, doesn't it?

0:16:570:17:00

I doubt there's very much chemistry, there.

0:17:000:17:02

APPLAUSE

0:17:060:17:08

Well, yeah, they're next door to The Union of Blase Scientists.

0:17:080:17:11

So, they're kind of like, "Come on, it's Alaska, what?

0:17:110:17:14

"Some salmon?"

0:17:140:17:15

LAUGHTER

0:17:150:17:17

Do you think if it reaches Alaska, though...

0:17:170:17:19

Because it's got the ice there already,

0:17:190:17:21

do you think they could form like a Baked Alaska?

0:17:210:17:24

And have a big meringue over the top,

0:17:240:17:26

if they could just flood it with jam, it would be delicious.

0:17:260:17:29

He should let them fire it at Alaska.

0:17:290:17:31

It's going to save them a fortune on fracking.

0:17:310:17:33

LAUGHTER

0:17:330:17:34

There is a lot of focus on Alaska.

0:17:340:17:36

Obviously, because it's mainland America...

0:17:360:17:38

But it's rubbish, isn't it?

0:17:380:17:40

Is that what you were going to say? Who cares?

0:17:400:17:42

Sarah Palin's there.

0:17:420:17:44

That was not the point I was going to make about poor Alaska.

0:17:440:17:47

"Oh, it's just Alaska, for God's sake".

0:17:470:17:49

"Oh, roar, I'm a bear".

0:17:490:17:51

EXPLOSION SOUND "Who cares?"

0:17:510:17:53

Call me when it hits one of the good ones.

0:17:530:17:55

Do you think we should be worried about it, though?

0:17:560:17:58

I mean, you're the science guy.

0:17:580:18:00

Obviously, as we've discussed many times.

0:18:000:18:02

So how dangerous is an ICBM.

0:18:020:18:04

Is it 1950s technology?

0:18:040:18:06

Is it like, they have in fact perfected the Goblin Teasmade?

0:18:060:18:08

It's quite... How dangerous is a nuclear weapon?

0:18:080:18:10

Meh! Quite dangerous!

0:18:100:18:12

LAUGHTER

0:18:120:18:14

On a scale of stubbing your toe to LOTS of people dying,

0:18:140:18:18

it's more within the higher end of that rather than the lower end.

0:18:180:18:22

How does it work, though?

0:18:220:18:23

Why does it have to go so high?

0:18:230:18:25

It went 4,700 km up or something, didn't it?

0:18:250:18:28

Well, it would get caught in the trees, wouldn't it?

0:18:280:18:30

LAUGHTER

0:18:300:18:31

It's just a test.

0:18:330:18:34

You just pop it up and bring it down.

0:18:340:18:37

And equally, at Halloween,

0:18:370:18:38

you could take the fireworks that you have in your garden

0:18:380:18:40

and rather than sending them straight up,

0:18:400:18:42

you could just fire them straight at your neighbour.

0:18:420:18:44

You could just do that.

0:18:440:18:46

You could just go, "Arrghhh", this is for that big Leylandii tree.

0:18:460:18:50

Phoosh! Just straight at the window, right.

0:18:500:18:53

"This is for not giving me back my lawnmower". Phoosh!

0:18:530:18:57

The kind of discussions

0:18:570:18:59

I'm sure you always have with your neighbours.

0:18:590:19:02

Well, my neighbours are 580 miles away, so I don't...

0:19:020:19:06

There he is, look at him.

0:19:060:19:07

Found the right way round.

0:19:070:19:08

Looking the right way round.

0:19:080:19:10

I think he's just checking that his uncle is still tied to the missile.

0:19:100:19:14

He's watching Love Island.

0:19:150:19:16

And he was delighted with himself.

0:19:190:19:20

There he is!

0:19:200:19:22

Thrilled. That guy is like, "Oh, I live another day".

0:19:230:19:26

That guy is absolutely hedging his bets on how the missile test goes.

0:19:290:19:32

Cos he's like, "This is either I surrender, or yayyyyy."

0:19:320:19:37

Do you agree with me that pinstripe

0:19:370:19:39

is very much the thing for watching a missile test?

0:19:390:19:41

It's very slimming if you're sort of carrying a bit of weight here.

0:19:410:19:44

It can really bring your waist in

0:19:440:19:46

and I think it's the de rigueur outfit

0:19:460:19:48

for launching a ballistic missile.

0:19:480:19:51

If you're planning... If you want to, "What shall I wear?

0:19:510:19:53

"I'll ask a gay friend.

0:19:530:19:54

"He says pinstripe."

0:19:540:19:56

Do you think,

0:19:570:19:59

in the event of whether or not he has any gay friends

0:19:590:20:01

and we'd imagine, no, right.

0:20:010:20:03

Do you think, the fact that he's wearing pinstripe

0:20:030:20:05

means that somebody had the nerve to go to Kim Jong-un and go,

0:20:050:20:10

"Maybe if one were to be carrying a little bit of weight..."?

0:20:100:20:13

LAUGHTER

0:20:130:20:14

"I'm not saying you are, I'm not saying you are,

0:20:140:20:17

"I'm just saying it would be quite slimming in that situation".

0:20:170:20:20

I'm not sure he's got that, because that same person, presumably,

0:20:200:20:23

would have looked at his hair and been like,

0:20:230:20:25

"Yeah, that's absolutely fine".

0:20:250:20:27

LAUGHTER

0:20:270:20:29

Anyway, meanwhile, what are the government ministers

0:20:290:20:32

cracking down on - genuinely cracking down on this week?

0:20:320:20:34

People claiming insurance claims

0:20:340:20:36

for getting food poisoning while on holiday.

0:20:360:20:38

-Yes.

-Because it's time for that to stop.

0:20:380:20:40

Who was aware that we needed to draw a line in the sand on that one?

0:20:420:20:45

Who woke up this morning and went,

0:20:450:20:47

"Too many people are claiming falsely

0:20:470:20:49

"that they got sick when they were on holiday".

0:20:490:20:51

Apparently it's rife, this claiming back for illness on holiday.

0:20:510:20:54

And the reaction is 50% of people going,

0:20:540:20:56

"That's terrible because that surely goes back

0:20:560:20:59

on to our insurance costs and 50% of them going,

0:20:590:21:01

"You can do that? I wasn't aware you could do that".

0:21:010:21:06

Remember, remember, Brenda had that dicky tummy round about day 3.

0:21:070:21:10

That would be worth a few quid, wouldn't it?

0:21:100:21:13

I once saw a list of complaints to Thomas Cook,

0:21:130:21:16

and my favourite one was from a woman in Surrey who said,

0:21:160:21:19

"I want to complain about my holiday in Barbados.

0:21:190:21:22

"It took us eight hours to get home."

0:21:220:21:25

LAUGHTER

0:21:250:21:27

"It only took the Americans three hours to get home".

0:21:270:21:32

Apparently, if you get caught doing this...

0:21:320:21:36

-Yes.

-..you can go to prison for three years.

0:21:360:21:37

Imagine the conversation, "Oh, what are you in for?"

0:21:370:21:40

"I murdered my family, what about you?"

0:21:400:21:42

"I pretended to have diarrhoea in Zante

0:21:420:21:44

"so I didn't have to pay for a Steak Frites".

0:21:440:21:46

-ED:

-Is it all people doing it just for insurance

0:21:460:21:48

or is just that classic British holiday-maker thing

0:21:480:21:50

of drinking 15 pints and then claiming the fact that

0:21:500:21:53

you're puking your ring on the prawn cocktail you had?

0:21:530:21:56

Did you just say "puking your ring?"

0:21:560:21:58

Puking your ring, yeah.

0:21:580:21:59

-Irish colloquialism.

-It's an Irish phrase.

0:21:590:22:01

Never heard that, puking your ring.

0:22:010:22:02

What does it mean? Is it something to do with Lord of the Rings?

0:22:020:22:05

You puke so hard your own arsehole comes up and out through your mouth.

0:22:050:22:08

LAUGHTER

0:22:080:22:09

APPLAUSE

0:22:110:22:14

It's a rich culture, the Irish. Rich culture.

0:22:140:22:17

Far too rich if you're puking like that.

0:22:170:22:20

We are a witty and loquacious people.

0:22:200:22:22

You should hear my father simply describe every fart he lets.

0:22:220:22:26

"Mm. You could knit that one".

0:22:270:22:29

You know, that kind of thing.

0:22:290:22:31

LAUGHTER

0:22:310:22:32

"Mm. You won't get that out in a cold wash".

0:22:350:22:37

Oh, it's like Ulysses, isn't it, really?

0:22:390:22:42

It's amazing when the Irish Tourist Board used that

0:22:420:22:45

as one of their things.

0:22:450:22:48

Come for the landscape.

0:22:480:22:49

It's not just the music and the mountains people come for.

0:22:490:22:52

Parp!

0:22:520:22:54

Big Ed's bumholes.

0:22:550:22:56

There's eating and drinking in that one.

0:22:560:22:58

Mm. That one came out with its boots on.

0:22:580:23:00

Where a fart isn't just a fart.

0:23:030:23:05

Ireland.

0:23:050:23:06

Yeah, a little...

0:23:080:23:10

Oh, you don't play panpipes.

0:23:100:23:12

-I was about to say panpipes.

-Panpipes?

0:23:120:23:14

What do you think we are?

0:23:140:23:16

Mexican Irish.

0:23:170:23:19

Welcome to Ireland. PLAYS PAN PIPES

0:23:190:23:22

It's Peru!

0:23:240:23:25

You'll have come from the lakes of Killarney, won't you?

0:23:270:23:30

PLAYS PANPIPES

0:23:300:23:33

I was about to say the penny whistle

0:23:330:23:35

doesn't actually make any noise.

0:23:350:23:37

No, the penny whistle is more of a Bolivian thing.

0:23:370:23:40

Buenos Dias. Tootle-toot!

0:23:400:23:42

At the end of that, the points go to Ed, Tiff and Nish.

0:23:440:23:48

APPLAUSE

0:23:480:23:50

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.

0:23:510:23:54

So if everyone can make their way over

0:23:540:23:55

to the performance area, please.

0:23:550:23:57

I'll read out this week's topics,

0:23:570:23:58

and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

0:23:580:24:01

OK, here we go. The first subject is...

0:24:010:24:03

Things a Sports Commentator Would Never Say.

0:24:030:24:06

Eight no balls in a row.

0:24:060:24:08

Usual enough for the Women's 100m final.

0:24:080:24:10

LAUGHTER

0:24:100:24:12

Rory McIlroy is on the green.

0:24:140:24:17

He holds the baby lamb aloft.

0:24:170:24:20

This is for an eagle.

0:24:200:24:22

LAUGHTER

0:24:220:24:24

APPLAUSE

0:24:260:24:28

They think it's all over.

0:24:280:24:29

It is now, I'm dead.

0:24:290:24:31

And the Russian champ beginning her floor routine now.

0:24:350:24:37

Running, running, running,

0:24:370:24:39

big jump and a tumble and a little tumble,

0:24:390:24:40

and then rolling around and a little bit of swirling as I...

0:24:400:24:43

To be honest with you, I normally do the darts.

0:24:430:24:45

LAUGHTER

0:24:450:24:46

Joe Root's up now for England.

0:24:470:24:50

He's quite cute, isn't he?

0:24:500:24:51

He could spend a couple of hours at my crease.

0:24:510:24:53

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

0:24:530:24:55

And at the end of that match it's 0-0,

0:24:570:25:01

but it doesn't matter because both teams are just such lovely people.

0:25:010:25:05

LAUGHTER

0:25:050:25:06

Well, there are three horses in it.

0:25:080:25:09

This is the worst sausage I have ever had.

0:25:090:25:12

LAUGHTER

0:25:120:25:14

And the Ferrari crosses the line

0:25:160:25:18

in the worst case of cheating

0:25:180:25:20

the London Marathon has ever seen.

0:25:200:25:21

Welcome to the Monaco Grand Prix and, yes,

0:25:250:25:29

they do all sound a lot like bees.

0:25:290:25:32

LAUGHTER

0:25:320:25:33

Well, Gary and I are in the commentary position.

0:25:390:25:42

If you want to know where that is

0:25:420:25:43

it's on page 32 between missionary and wheelbarrow.

0:25:430:25:46

Shock news as Fifa awards the 2022 World Cup to the Islamic State.

0:25:500:25:56

LAUGHTER

0:25:560:25:58

Say what you like about these cyclists.

0:26:040:26:05

But, boy, do they know their drugs.

0:26:050:26:08

LAUGHTER

0:26:080:26:09

The referee there taking down Ronaldo's number.

0:26:110:26:13

Not really the time or the place, but good to see

0:26:130:26:15

we've kicked homophobia out of football.

0:26:150:26:17

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:26:170:26:18

And as is traditional, the leader of the Tour de France

0:26:200:26:22

now awarded with the yellow jersey

0:26:220:26:24

to remind him what colour his piss is supposed to be.

0:26:240:26:26

LAUGHTER

0:26:260:26:29

15. 30.

0:26:310:26:33

In a chatroom, it's so difficult to tell.

0:26:330:26:36

LAUGHTER

0:26:360:26:38

Incredible delivery from Serena Williams.

0:26:420:26:45

The baby came out in seven minutes and she didn't even shit herself.

0:26:450:26:47

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

0:26:470:26:49

Oh, that is long, very long!

0:26:500:26:54

I'll put it away now and get on with the commentary.

0:26:540:26:56

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:26:560:26:58

OK, and the next topic is Unlikely Lines From a Thriller.

0:27:000:27:05

Boss, I've got some news about the criminal

0:27:060:27:08

who's been impersonating Sting.

0:27:080:27:10

He's turned himself into The Police.

0:27:100:27:12

LAUGHTER

0:27:120:27:13

We've got to get out before it goes off.

0:27:150:27:17

Oh, no, I've misread the sell-by date, we've got another week.

0:27:170:27:20

LAUGHTER

0:27:200:27:22

Yes, my name is Pussy Galore.

0:27:220:27:25

Yeah, obviously it's a codename.

0:27:250:27:27

My real name? Oh, it's Fanny Everywhere.

0:27:270:27:30

LAUGHTER

0:27:300:27:31

Everybody be cool! This is a robbery!

0:27:350:27:39

You, in the Game Of Thrones T-shirt,

0:27:390:27:41

what did I just say about being cool?

0:27:410:27:43

LAUGHTER

0:27:430:27:45

Strapped to a railway line.

0:27:470:27:49

Thank God, it's Southern. I've got six hours to escape.

0:27:490:27:52

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:27:520:27:53

Whoever you are, I will find you and I will kill you.

0:27:570:28:01

Now can you tell me your postcode so I can pop it in the Sat Nav?

0:28:010:28:04

LAUGHTER

0:28:040:28:06

Mr Brown, meet Mr White.

0:28:080:28:10

I really should learn these diplomats' names.

0:28:100:28:12

LAUGHTER

0:28:120:28:14

You can beat me as much as you like, but I can't tell you where he is.

0:28:160:28:19

That's how it's all set up.

0:28:190:28:21

No-one knows where Wally is.

0:28:210:28:23

LAUGHTER

0:28:230:28:25

Go, leave me behind.

0:28:280:28:30

I love you, that's why I'm saying this.

0:28:300:28:33

Go ahead without me.

0:28:330:28:34

You only get one chance to play The Crystal Maze.

0:28:340:28:38

LAUGHTER

0:28:380:28:40

Argh! I'm so angry about all these people observing Ramadan.

0:28:430:28:46

Nigel Farage stars in The Fast and The Furious.

0:28:460:28:49

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:28:490:28:51

Male, 30 to 35, Caucasian.

0:28:550:28:59

No obvious sign of trauma.

0:28:590:29:01

Oh. No, wait, the head should be attached to the body, shouldn't it?

0:29:010:29:05

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:29:050:29:07

Right, we was going down the match,

0:29:100:29:12

going down to see the match with some of the lads

0:29:120:29:14

and some bloke's got killed, hasn't he?

0:29:140:29:16

Yeah, it was Murder on the Leyton Orient Express.

0:29:160:29:19

LAUGHTER

0:29:190:29:21

Oh, my God, you're the Zodiac killer.

0:29:230:29:26

Before you do it, I'm a Libra, just let me know what I've got coming up.

0:29:260:29:29

LAUGHTER

0:29:290:29:30

This elevator company is corrupt,

0:29:320:29:35

and I think it goes all the way to the top.

0:29:350:29:37

LAUGHTER

0:29:370:29:39

You can kill me, but if you do,

0:29:420:29:44

you will never find the sarin gas canister

0:29:440:29:47

I have placed in the president's fridge.

0:29:470:29:49

Shit.

0:29:490:29:51

LAUGHTER

0:29:510:29:53

You're trying to expose corruption in my elevator company?

0:29:550:29:58

You're going down.

0:29:580:29:59

At the end of that, the points go to Ed, Tiff and Nish.

0:30:020:30:05

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:30:050:30:08

And that's the end of the show.

0:30:110:30:12

This week's winners are Nish Kumar, Tiff Stevenson and Ed Byrne.

0:30:120:30:15

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:30:150:30:18

Commiserations to Rhys James, Hugh Dennis and Tom Allen.

0:30:200:30:23

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:30:230:30:26

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.

0:30:260:30:29

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:30:290:30:32

# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

0:30:330:30:37

# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

0:30:380:30:42

# Read all about it!

0:30:440:30:47

# Read all about it!

0:30:470:30:49

# News of the World! News of the World! #

0:30:490:30:51

Dara O Briain and Hugh Dennis look back on another week's events with the help of guests Rhys James, Tom Allen, Ed Byrne, Nish Kumar and Tiff Stevenson.