Episode 6 Mock the Week


Episode 6

Dara O Briain and Hugh Dennis look back on another week's events with the help of guests Rhys James, Tom Allen, Ed Byrne, Nish Kumar and Tiff Stevenson.


Similar Content

Browse content similar to Episode 6. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!

Transcript


LineFromTo

This programme contains some strong language.

0:00:010:00:08

# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

0:00:080:00:10

# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

0:00:100:00:14

# Read all about it!

0:00:140:00:16

# Read all about it!

0:00:170:00:19

# News of the World!

0:00:190:00:20

# News of the World!

0:00:210:00:22

# Read all about it!

0:00:230:00:25

# Read all about it!

0:00:250:00:28

# News of the World!

0:00:280:00:29

# News of the World!

0:00:290:00:30

Hello, and welcome to Mock the Week.

0:00:350:00:36

I'm Dara O Briain.

0:00:360:00:38

Joining me this week are Nish Kumar, Tiff Stevenson and Ed Byrne,

0:00:380:00:40

Rhys James, Hugh Dennis and Tom Allen.

0:00:400:00:42

APPLAUSE

0:00:430:00:46

We start with a round called "Picture of the Week".

0:00:500:00:53

I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell

0:00:530:00:56

me what's happening.

0:00:560:00:57

So, what's going on here?

0:00:570:00:58

I can tell you exactly what that is.

0:00:580:01:00

That's the bloke who runs America -

0:01:000:01:02

talking to President Trump.

0:01:020:01:04

Is Trump saying, "No, I said you gave me an ELECTION!"

0:01:110:01:16

Is Trump saying, "I genuinely thought you and the meerkat

0:01:160:01:18

were the same guy"?

0:01:180:01:23

I can't imagine the conversation is going very well because Vladimir

0:01:230:01:25

Putin doesn't speak very good English

0:01:250:01:27

and Donald Trump also doesn't speak very good English.

0:01:270:01:32

It looks like a before and after for one of those

0:01:320:01:35

hair restoring clinics.

0:01:350:01:39

He's saying "This is what they used when I had my prostate exam!"

0:01:390:01:43

Is he saying "So which journalist do you want me to have killed?"

0:01:440:01:47

AUDIENCE GASPS

0:01:470:01:48

Clearly that's too far with one.

0:01:490:01:53

I didn't realise this was a pro-Putin audience.

0:01:540:01:58

The shocking, anti-Putin bias at the BBC!

0:01:590:02:03

This is political correctness gone mad!

0:02:030:02:04

RUSSIAN ACCENT: This is political correctness gone mad.

0:02:050:02:10

For a second I considered going for the accent

0:02:100:02:12

and I pulled out of it, and when I heard you do it

0:02:120:02:15

I think you can do the Russian accent, yeah.

0:02:180:02:21

RUSSIAN ACCENT: Do you really think so?

0:02:210:02:22

Oh, no, I can't.

0:02:220:02:25

Is it Trump saying," I can with viagra

0:02:250:02:26

but all that comes out is a weird smelling dust?"

0:02:260:02:31

He's probably just going...

0:02:310:02:33

RUSSIAN ACCENT: Look into my eyes, I did not hack American Election.

0:02:330:02:38

That's Sesame Street!

0:02:390:02:41

AS THE COUNT: Who has one thumb and did election?

0:02:440:02:47

This guy!

0:02:470:02:51

This is the first annual meeting of the We Are Definitely Not Bald Club.

0:02:510:02:57

Oh, and what a tedious meeting that would be.

0:02:570:03:00

APPLAUSE.

0:03:020:03:06

Is anyone going to tell me what it actually is?

0:03:070:03:10

It's Vladimir Putin meeting Donald Trump at the G20.

0:03:100:03:13

Thank you very much, Nish Kumar, you're absolutely right.

0:03:160:03:20

Yes, this is a picture of US President Donald Trump

0:03:200:03:23

and Russian President Vladimir Putin meeting at this week's

0:03:230:03:25

G20 Summit in Hamburg.

0:03:250:03:27

How did it all go?

0:03:270:03:28

Did you enjoy the G20 this year?

0:03:280:03:30

This particular meeting there, for a first date this one seemed

0:03:300:03:33

to go very very well didn't it?

0:03:330:03:34

Yeah it did yeah.

0:03:340:03:36

Trump came out immediately afterwards and was like...

0:03:360:03:38

He did, he did?

0:03:380:03:41

Well, it was Pride weekend.

0:03:410:03:43

Why not, it's the G20.

0:03:430:03:45

You know it has that effect on people.

0:03:450:03:47

That's what the G stands for!

0:03:470:03:49

Gay 20, yeah.

0:03:490:03:50

The 20 biggest gays.

0:03:500:03:52

20 biggest gays in the world!

0:03:520:03:56

Sorry, Tom, but please tell me -

0:03:560:03:58

how does one measure the biggest gays?

0:03:580:04:01

Do they host that at Camp David?

0:04:010:04:05

But Trump immediately emerged after the conversation and said

0:04:100:04:12

"Oh, I've talked to Putin about the hacking

0:04:120:04:14

and he didn't do it".

0:04:140:04:18

And you go, that's not how anything works.

0:04:180:04:22

It would be like my 6-year-old saying, "I asked my Daddy

0:04:220:04:25

if he let me win that running race, and he said he didn't.

0:04:250:04:30

He said he was running as best he could and I won the running race

0:04:300:04:34

because I'm fastest."

0:04:340:04:35

Get that cleared up.

0:04:350:04:37

I - I was fastest.

0:04:370:04:43

You love the age difference don't you?

0:04:430:04:45

You just do.

0:04:450:04:46

Got to have an angle somewhere, mate.

0:04:460:04:49

It's very, very difficult though for Donald Trump to admit

0:04:490:04:51

that the Russians interfered in the American election because

0:04:510:04:54

the only reason the Russians would have done it is they know that

0:04:540:04:57

by getting him elected they would turn America

0:04:570:04:59

into a laughing stock and a disaster.

0:04:590:05:00

Which is why the Russians didn't interfere in our election,

0:05:000:05:03

because they know that we can do that all on our own.

0:05:030:05:07

APPLAUSE

0:05:100:05:12

He said that he'd questioned him.

0:05:120:05:14

Twice, I think he said he'd questioned whether they'd interfered

0:05:140:05:16

in the election and Putin said, "We do not interfere in this

0:05:160:05:19

election, we will not interfere in the next election -

0:05:190:05:21

which you will win!"

0:05:210:05:27

Can you just imagine though if Donald Trump actually did say

0:05:270:05:30

to him, "Did you hack our election?

0:05:300:05:32

Were you involved in meddling in our election?"

0:05:320:05:33

You can just imagine Putin just looking at him

0:05:330:05:36

going "How thick are you?

0:05:360:05:37

We had this conversation, you asked us to do it",

0:05:370:05:42

It's coming out and they're now saying that, you know,

0:05:420:05:44

this is the first time there is something concrete that

0:05:440:05:46

might lead to Trump's impeachment.

0:05:460:05:48

But what I love about it is the innocence of people thinking

0:05:480:05:51

if he gets impeached he's going to leave.

0:05:510:05:53

Like, this doesn't end with him walking out,

0:05:530:05:55

this ends with him on the roof, holding Melania like King Kong

0:05:550:05:57

and bi-planes speeding towards The White House just

0:05:570:05:59

thinking, "Well this was always going to go down this way".

0:05:590:06:06

The meeting was apparently 2 hours and 16 minutes long

0:06:080:06:10

and everyone finds that ridiculous, what were they up to?

0:06:100:06:14

And I don't want to make assumptions but 2 hours 16 minutes is the exact

0:06:140:06:17

running time of Shrek 3.

0:06:170:06:23

I think in fairness we know which one's Shrek

0:06:230:06:25

and which one's Donkey.

0:06:250:06:28

Is that why Melania had to break it up?

0:06:280:06:30

They literally had to send Melania in.

0:06:300:06:32

Poor Melania, she is literally waiting just for him, like he's 71,

0:06:320:06:35

he's on a bad diet, isn't he?

0:06:350:06:38

He's worth a lot of money.

0:06:380:06:40

She's just going to grease the stairs and shout "Fire!".

0:06:400:06:43

Definitely, you know you can see her every time she makes

0:06:430:06:46

a public appearance she's like,

0:06:460:06:47

"Hello I'm Melania, I speak five languages,

0:06:470:06:50

I know how to say "help me" in all of them.

0:06:500:06:53

Who did Trump get to fill in for him at some of the G20 meetings?

0:06:550:06:59

It was bring your daughter to work day at the G20, apparently.

0:06:590:07:01

Yeah.

0:07:010:07:03

Ivanka sat in on some of the meetings.

0:07:030:07:04

But I think it's all a bit unfair because, you know,

0:07:040:07:07

what Trump did is no different to what Obama did.

0:07:070:07:09

He was also replaced by "Awanka".

0:07:090:07:14

I like to think they were talking about global warming

0:07:180:07:20

and then she just went...

0:07:200:07:21

VALLEY GIRL ACCENT: "I've got a really nice range of sandals that

0:07:210:07:24

can help you with that."

0:07:240:07:27

That's how she talks.

0:07:270:07:28

That's how everyone American talks.

0:07:280:07:30

Like they're running out of batteries.

0:07:300:07:36

Moving on, how did Theresa May get on at the G20?

0:07:360:07:39

She got on very, very well.

0:07:390:07:40

Did she?

0:07:400:07:42

I tell you why she got on well.

0:07:420:07:44

It's because at the moment she's under a lot of pressure so,

0:07:440:07:47

Philip Hammond for example has said that the economy should be

0:07:470:07:49

at the centre of Brexit, it should be a soft Brexit.

0:07:490:07:52

But Donald Trump has promised her a very quick trade deal

0:07:520:07:55

with the United States and it will be quick because negotiation

0:07:550:07:58

will be very quick.

0:07:580:08:00

They will say, "Will you accept irradiated beef,

0:08:000:08:02

vegetables full of hormones?"

0:08:020:08:03

And we will say, "Hungry..."

0:08:030:08:11

Do you have any croissants?

0:08:130:08:15

I remember croissants, but my children have

0:08:150:08:17

never eaten croissants.

0:08:170:08:19

I described them to them once.

0:08:190:08:20

There was pastry everywhere.

0:08:200:08:21

It was, oh....

0:08:210:08:22

I want some cheese, I want some cheese!

0:08:220:08:25

Not Cheddar.

0:08:250:08:28

I always feel as well like Theresa May and Donald Trump

0:08:300:08:32

have a slightly...

0:08:320:08:33

She seems like a sort of school ma'am,

0:08:330:08:35

she seems like a nanny to him which I imagine he'd

0:08:350:08:38

respond well to.

0:08:380:08:39

Like, "No Donald, no Donald, no.

0:08:390:08:40

We are not going to misbehave, we are not going to have

0:08:400:08:43

a travel ban are we?

0:08:430:08:44

If you misbehave, I don't care, I will pull your pants down

0:08:440:08:47

and I will smack your bottom in front of all these world leaders.

0:08:470:08:50

What's going to happen is I'm going to make some scones,

0:08:500:08:53

I'm going to give you some sugar paper and some crayons

0:08:530:08:56

and you're going to draw us a very nice trade deal.

0:08:560:08:58

Aren't you Donald?

0:08:580:08:59

And if you don't behave yourself you can go to Mrs Merkel's office,

0:08:590:09:03

you won't like that."

0:09:030:09:05

I can imagine if Theresa May and Donald Trump

0:09:050:09:07

ever have dinner together,

0:09:070:09:08

Theresa May cuts his meat up for him.

0:09:080:09:12

Trump has said he's going to come to the UK.

0:09:120:09:14

Right, he cancelled it before and now he's said

0:09:140:09:17

he's going to come.

0:09:170:09:17

And now he's not telling us when he's going to come

0:09:170:09:20

so we can't protest.

0:09:200:09:21

It's like when you get told like the Sky man's coming

0:09:210:09:24

round so you've got to wait in between 8 and 6.

0:09:240:09:27

But that means you can't have a bank because you don't

0:09:270:09:29

know when he's coming.

0:09:290:09:30

Who has Theresa May called on for help this week?

0:09:300:09:33

The Labour Party.

0:09:330:09:34

Yes.

0:09:340:09:35

She said can they help her deliver Brexit.

0:09:350:09:37

That is definitely a trap.

0:09:370:09:44

That is her going, "Come over here Labour and help me with Brexit.

0:09:440:09:47

I won't blame it on you".

0:09:470:09:49

Her asking Labour is just more evidence that Jeremy Corbyn

0:09:490:09:51

did win the election.

0:09:510:09:55

Now he gets to have a say, right?

0:09:550:09:57

He gets his own chant and thanks to that messed up high five

0:09:570:10:00

he got to touch a boob.

0:10:000:10:01

Sure, "messed up."

0:10:010:10:02

"It's all win for me", he said.

0:10:020:10:06

I'd love to be in that meeting where she says

0:10:060:10:08

to him like, "So Jeremy, Jeremy, have you got any ideas?"

0:10:080:10:11

And he goes, "Oh, yes.

0:10:110:10:12

Reaching into his hemp briefcase going,

0:10:120:10:13

"Oh yes, I have got an idea."

0:10:130:10:15

"It's this!"

0:10:150:10:17

APPLAUSE

0:10:170:10:27

OK, at the end of that round the points go

0:10:270:10:30

to Tom, Hugh and Rhys.

0:10:300:10:36

Now we play a round called I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Vladimir.

0:10:360:10:39

This game involves Tom and Nish.

0:10:390:10:43

So, if you could make your way to the performance area please.

0:10:430:10:46

This round is a stand-up challenge.

0:10:460:10:47

I launch the Wheel of News, and wherever it chooses to stop,

0:10:470:10:50

one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.

0:10:500:10:53

OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.

0:10:530:10:55

The first subject is...

0:10:550:10:56

OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.

0:10:560:10:58

The first subject is...

0:10:580:10:59

Politics.

0:10:590:11:00

Oh, Nish.

0:11:000:11:01

So, we're living through a real period of political instability,

0:11:010:11:03

both here and in America.

0:11:030:11:04

And in the last couple of months some unlikely saviours have emerged.

0:11:040:11:07

Tony Blair is considering a return to front line politics

0:11:070:11:10

and Chelsea Clinton is contemplating a run for the senate in 2020.

0:11:100:11:13

And to those people let me just say this -

0:11:130:11:15

maybe just leave it.

0:11:150:11:24

If you want to turn your public opinion around, the way to do

0:11:240:11:27

it is philanthropy, right.

0:11:270:11:28

And let's look at someone who has turned their public opinion around

0:11:280:11:31

through philanthropy.

0:11:310:11:32

Look at Bill Gates, right.

0:11:320:11:33

Bill Gates for the last 15 years with his wife Melinda has spent

0:11:330:11:36

all his time trying to fight the spread of infectious disease.

0:11:360:11:39

I don't understand the science behind what's going on.

0:11:390:11:41

From what I can tell, Bill Gates is trying to bribe

0:11:410:11:46

AIDS to fuck off, right? Bill Gates is trying to bribe

0:11:460:11:47

And we like him for that but in the '90s we hated Bill Gates

0:11:470:11:51

because of the paperclip.

0:11:510:11:52

Basically there was a paperclip and you'd turn on Word

0:11:520:11:54

and the paperclip would appear and it would ask you if you

0:11:540:11:57

were writing a letter but you weren't writing a letter

0:11:570:12:00

so you were like, "I hate you Bill Gates!

0:12:000:12:02

I'm going to buy Mac forever".

0:12:020:12:04

And there are people genuinely putting their money

0:12:040:12:06

where their mouth is in regards to philanthropy.

0:12:060:12:08

Look at JK Rowling.

0:12:080:12:09

We all need to be very nice to JK Rowling from now on,

0:12:090:12:12

because she may be about to be all we've got economically.

0:12:120:12:15

We have no manufacturing sector, our service industry is being driven

0:12:150:12:18

by mass migration from the EU.

0:12:180:12:20

After Brexit our entire economy may depend on the adventures of a fake

0:12:200:12:23

wizard that technically ended in 2007, right?

0:12:230:12:27

We've got the play, we've got the films,

0:12:270:12:29

we've got the film tour, can we do a play tour?

0:12:290:12:32

JK please write another book, Wales in sinking!

0:12:320:12:36

Maybe something about Harry trying to get his finances

0:12:360:12:38

in order in his 30s, like Harry Potter And The Mystery

0:12:380:12:41

Of The Fixed Rate ISA?

0:12:410:12:51

Thank you very much, Nish.

0:12:540:12:55

OK, that leaves us with Tom.

0:12:550:12:57

Let's see what your topic is.

0:12:570:12:58

Let's spin the wheel.

0:12:580:12:59

Now the topic is family.

0:12:590:13:01

Oh, OK, fine.

0:13:010:13:01

I did that run very well didn't I?

0:13:010:13:03

So affording your own home is very difficult in today's climate.

0:13:030:13:06

And recently I've been forced to live with a couple.

0:13:060:13:08

Er, they're called Dad and Mum.

0:13:080:13:13

And one thing that my parents' friends all like to let me know

0:13:130:13:16

is that they are down with the poofs.

0:13:160:13:21

They are down with the poofs, they love the poofs,

0:13:210:13:24

I'm gay, I don't know if I needed to explain that.

0:13:240:13:28

Well, I say I'm gay, but I hardly find the time.

0:13:290:13:32

I mean I'm a Gemini as well, but they don't get a parade.

0:13:340:13:38

The thing is, their friend Les wanted to come over and talk to me

0:13:380:13:41

and Les comes over and he says, "Oh Tom, I've got to tell you,

0:13:410:13:44

I've got to tell you right, my brother right, my brother.

0:13:440:13:47

he is gay now."

0:13:470:13:48

Gay now?

0:13:480:13:49

I mean it sounded like he'd done an evening class and become

0:13:490:13:52

a pilates instructor.

0:13:520:13:53

So he's, "Oh, yeah, my brother, he's gay now and he was ever

0:13:530:13:56

so worried about telling me, ever so worried about telling me."

0:13:560:13:59

"Oh I got to tell you, Les, I'm gay, Les, I'm gay, Les.

0:13:590:14:02

I thought, "gay les"?

0:14:020:14:03

That's complicated, isn't it?

0:14:030:14:04

I didn't know you could be both.

0:14:040:14:06

He said, "I'm gay, Les, I'm gay, Les."

0:14:060:14:08

"And I just said to him, Tom, I just said to him,

0:14:080:14:11

oh, don't worry, bruv.

0:14:110:14:12

There's one on every bus".

0:14:120:14:14

Which I thought was a very confusing thing to say because as far as I'm

0:14:140:14:18

concerned all the gays I know use Uber.

0:14:180:14:22

Thank you very much, Tom, well done.

0:14:220:14:24

At the end of the round, the points go to Tom Allen.

0:14:240:14:27

APPLAUSE

0:14:270:14:35

Our next round is called, "If This is the Answer,

0:14:350:14:38

What is the Question?".

0:14:380:14:39

On the board are six categories.

0:14:390:14:40

Tom - which category would you like?

0:14:400:14:42

World News, please.

0:14:420:14:43

So if your category is world news.

0:14:430:14:45

And the answer is: 580 MILES.

0:14:450:14:46

What is the question?

0:14:460:14:51

Is it how far the Proclaimers now have to walk to see

0:14:510:14:54

their partner now they've been priced out of Aberdeen?

0:14:540:14:58

Is it, according to my estate agent, how far can I throw a stone?

0:14:580:15:02

LAUGHTER

0:15:020:15:06

APPLAUSE

0:15:060:15:11

Is it how far wide of the mark everything Piers Morgan says is?

0:15:110:15:15

Is it the closest Anne Marie Morris has ever been to a person of colour?

0:15:150:15:19

LAUGHTER

0:15:190:15:27

What is the average distance Melania Trump has

0:15:270:15:29

maintained from Donald since he became president?

0:15:290:15:31

Is it, what would count as an inconveniently long penis?

0:15:310:15:34

Inconvenient in what way, though, Hugh?

0:15:340:15:40

How far can one dragon fly on a stomach full of children?

0:15:400:15:45

That was way darker than I expected.

0:15:450:15:48

Is it the furthest Theresa May has ever travelled

0:15:480:15:50

without performing a u-turn?

0:15:500:15:55

Ooh, I can do topical, guys!

0:15:550:15:57

Don't think I'm just a silly old gay.

0:15:570:16:00

LAUGHTER

0:16:000:16:01

Is it, if you took out your intestine and laid it out flat,

0:16:010:16:04

how far away would I move from your house?

0:16:040:16:11

Is it, if 580 miles were laid out - end to end...

0:16:110:16:21

Is it, how far away can Donald Trump Jr get before they reach

0:16:240:16:30

the end of the sentence, "Open up, it's the FBI"?

0:16:300:16:32

OK, does anyone have the correct answer?

0:16:320:16:34

Is it how far a North Korean missile has travelled?

0:16:340:16:36

Yes, this week, thank you very much, Nish Kumar.

0:16:360:16:38

Very good.

0:16:380:16:39

APPLAUSE

0:16:390:16:40

Yes, the question I was looking for was, "How far did

0:16:400:16:43

North Korea claim their latest missile travelled when they

0:16:430:16:46

conducted a test-launch last week?".

0:16:460:16:47

Experts from the US-based Union of Concerned Scientists suggest

0:16:470:16:54

the missile could travel 6,700km, far enough to reach Alaska.

0:16:540:16:56

The Union of Concerned Scientists!

0:16:560:16:58

That sounds like a party bunch, doesn't it?

0:16:580:17:02

I doubt there's very much chemistry there.

0:17:020:17:04

APPLAUSE

0:17:040:17:12

Well, yeah, they're next door to The Union of Blase Scientists.

0:17:120:17:15

So, they're kind of like, "Come on, it's Alaska what?

0:17:150:17:17

Some salmon?".

0:17:170:17:21

Do you think if it reaches Alaska though...

0:17:210:17:23

Because it's got the ice there already, do you think

0:17:230:17:25

they could form like a Baked Alaska?

0:17:250:17:28

And have a big meringue over the top, they could just flood it

0:17:280:17:31

with jam, it would be delicious.

0:17:310:17:33

He should let them fire it at Alaska.

0:17:330:17:35

It's going to save them a fortune on fracking.

0:17:350:17:37

There is a lot of focus on Alaska.

0:17:370:17:39

Obviously because it's mainland America...

0:17:390:17:40

But it's rubbish, isn't it?

0:17:400:17:41

Is that what you were going to say? Who cares?

0:17:410:17:44

Sarah Palin's there.

0:17:440:17:46

That was not the point I was going to make about poor Alaska.

0:17:460:17:50

"Oh it's just Alaska, for God's sake".

0:17:500:17:52

"Oh, roar I'm a bear".

0:17:520:17:55

EXPLOSION SOUND "Who cares?"

0:17:550:17:57

Call me when it hits one of the good ones.

0:17:570:18:00

Do you think we should be worried about it, though?

0:18:000:18:02

I mean, you're the science guy.

0:18:020:18:04

Obviously, as we've discussed many times.

0:18:040:18:06

So how dangerous is an ICBM. Is it 1950's technology?

0:18:060:18:09

Is it like, they have in fact perfected the Goblin Teasmade?

0:18:090:18:11

It's quite...

0:18:110:18:12

How dangerous is a nuclear weapon? Merrrr...quite dangerous!

0:18:120:18:18

On a scale of stubbing your toe to lots of people dying it's more

0:18:180:18:21

within the higher end of that rather than the lower end.

0:18:210:18:25

How does it work, though? Why does it have to go so high?

0:18:250:18:28

It went 4700 km up or something, didn't it?

0:18:280:18:32

Well, it would get caught in the trees, wouldn't it?

0:18:320:18:35

It's just a test.

0:18:350:18:36

You just pop it up and bring it down.

0:18:360:18:40

And equally, at Halloween, you could take the fireworks that

0:18:400:18:43

you have in your garden and rather than sending them straight up,

0:18:430:18:46

you could just fire them straight at your neighbour.

0:18:460:18:48

You could just do that.

0:18:480:18:49

You could just go, "Arrghhh", this is for that big Leylandii tree.

0:18:490:18:52

FIREWORK SHOOTING NOISE

0:18:520:18:53

Just straight at the window, right.

0:18:530:18:55

"This is for not giving me back my lawnmower".

0:18:550:19:02

The kind of discussions I'm sure you always have

0:19:020:19:05

with your neighbours.

0:19:050:19:09

Well, my neighbours are 580 miles away, so I don't ever.

0:19:090:19:11

There he is, look at him.

0:19:110:19:13

Found the right way round.

0:19:130:19:14

Looking the right way round.

0:19:140:19:15

I think he's just checking that his uncle

0:19:150:19:17

is still tied to the missile.

0:19:170:19:19

He's watching Love Island.

0:19:190:19:20

And he was delighted with himself.

0:19:200:19:21

There he is!

0:19:210:19:23

Thrilled.

0:19:230:19:26

That guy is like, "Oh, I live another day".

0:19:260:19:28

That guy is absolutely hedging his bets on how

0:19:280:19:34

the missile test goes.

0:19:340:19:35

Cos he's like, "This is either I surrender" or "Yeayyyyy".

0:19:350:19:38

Do you agree with me that pinstripe is very much the thing

0:19:380:19:41

for watching a missile test?

0:19:410:19:45

It's very slimming if you're sort of carrying a bit of weight here.

0:19:450:19:48

It can really bring your waist in and I think it's the de rigueur

0:19:480:19:52

outfit for launching a ballistic missile.

0:19:520:19:53

If you're planning...

0:19:530:19:54

If you wanna, "What shall I wear?

0:19:540:19:56

I'll ask a gay friend".

0:19:560:19:57

He says pinstripe.

0:19:570:19:59

Do you think, in the event of whether or not he has any

0:19:590:20:07

gay friends and we'd imagine, no, right.

0:20:070:20:09

Do you think, the fact that he's wearing pinstripe meant that

0:20:090:20:12

somebody had the nerve to go to Kim Jong Un and go, "Maybe

0:20:120:20:15

if one were to be carrying a little bit of weight.

0:20:150:20:17

I'm not saying you are, I'm not saying you are,

0:20:170:20:20

I'm just saying it would be quite slimming in that situation".

0:20:200:20:23

I'm not sure he's got that, because that same person presumably

0:20:230:20:25

would have looked at his hair and been like, "Yeah,

0:20:250:20:28

that's absolutely fine".

0:20:280:20:30

Anyway, meanwhile, what are the government

0:20:300:20:32

ministers cracking down on - generally cracking

0:20:320:20:36

down on this week?

0:20:360:20:37

People claiming insurance claims for getting food

0:20:370:20:47

poisoning while on holiday.

0:20:470:20:48

Yes.

0:20:480:20:49

Because it's time for that to stop.

0:20:490:20:57

Who was aware that we needed to draw a line in the sand on that one?

0:20:570:21:01

Who woke up this morning and went, "Too many people are claiming

0:21:010:21:04

falsely that they got sick when they were on holiday".

0:21:040:21:06

Apparently it's rife, this claiming back

0:21:060:21:08

for illness on holiday.

0:21:080:21:09

And the reaction is 50% of people going that's terrible because that

0:21:090:21:12

surely goes back on our insurance costs and 50% of them

0:21:120:21:14

going, "You can do that?".

0:21:140:21:15

"I wasn't aware you could do that".

0:21:150:21:17

Remember, remember Brenda had that dicky tummy we had about day 3 once,

0:21:170:21:20

that would be worth a few quid, wouldn't it?

0:21:200:21:22

I once saw a list of complaints to Thomas Cook,

0:21:220:21:25

and my favourite one was from a woman in Surrey

0:21:250:21:27

who said, "I want to complain about my holiday in Barbados.

0:21:270:21:30

It took us 8 hours to get home.

0:21:300:21:32

It only took the Americans three hours to get home".

0:21:320:21:34

Apparently, if you get caught doing this...

0:21:340:21:36

Yes.

0:21:360:21:37

...you can go to prison for three years.

0:21:370:21:39

Imagine the conversation, "Oh what are you in for?".

0:21:390:21:41

"I murdered my family, what about you?".

0:21:410:21:43

"I pretended to have diarrhea in Zante so I didn't have to pay

0:21:430:21:46

for a Steak Frites".

0:21:460:21:52

Is it all people doing it just for insurance or is that classic

0:21:520:21:55

British holidaymaker thing of drinking 15 pints and then

0:21:550:21:57

claiming the fact that you're puking your ring on the prawn

0:21:570:21:59

cocktail you had?

0:21:590:22:00

Did you just say, puking your ring?

0:22:000:22:02

Puking your ring, yeah.

0:22:020:22:03

Irish colloquialism. It's an Irish phrase.

0:22:030:22:05

Never heard that, puking your ring. What does it mean?

0:22:050:22:07

Is it something to do with Lord of the Rings?

0:22:070:22:09

You puke so hard your own arsehole comes up

0:22:090:22:12

and out through your mouth.

0:22:120:22:13

APPLAUSE

0:22:130:22:19

It's a rich culture, the Irish.

0:22:190:22:26

Rich culture.

0:22:260:22:28

Far too rich if you're puking like that.

0:22:280:22:30

We are a witty and loquacious people.

0:22:300:22:32

You should hear my father simply describe every fart he lets.

0:22:320:22:34

FART NOISE "You could knit that one".

0:22:340:22:38

"You won't get that out in a cold wash".

0:22:380:22:41

Oh, it's like Ulysses, isn't it, really?

0:22:410:22:47

It's amazing when the Irish Tourist Board use that

0:22:470:22:49

as one of their things.

0:22:490:22:52

Come for the landscape.

0:22:520:22:55

It's not just the music and the mountains people come for.

0:22:550:23:02

FART NOISE

0:23:020:23:04

Big Ed's bumholes.

0:23:040:23:06

There's eating and drinking in that one.

0:23:060:23:07

FART NOISE That one came put with its boots on.

0:23:070:23:10

Where a fart isn't just a fart. Ireland.

0:23:100:23:12

Yeah, a little...

0:23:120:23:13

Oh, you don't play panpipes. I was about to say panpipes.

0:23:130:23:15

Panpipes?

0:23:150:23:16

Panpipes.

0:23:160:23:17

What do you think we are? Mexican Irish.

0:23:170:23:20

Welcome to Ireland.

0:23:200:23:24

PANPIPE TUNE

0:23:240:23:26

Peru.

0:23:260:23:30

You'll have come from the lakes of Killhaney, won't you?

0:23:300:23:32

PANPIPE TUNE

0:23:320:23:36

I was about to say the penny whistle doesn't actually make any noise.

0:23:360:23:39

No, the penny whistle is more of a Bolivian thing.

0:23:390:23:42

Buenos Dias.

0:23:420:23:43

PENNY WHISTLE TUNE

0:23:430:23:47

At the end of that the points go to Ed, Tiff and Nish.

0:23:470:23:50

APPLAUSE

0:23:500:23:55

Now we come to "Scenes We'd Like To See".

0:23:550:23:57

So if everyone can make their way over

0:23:570:23:59

to the performance area, please.

0:23:590:24:00

I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see

0:24:000:24:02

what our panellists can come up with.

0:24:020:24:04

OK, here we go.

0:24:040:24:06

The first subject is - Things a Sports Commentator Would Never Say.

0:24:060:24:08

Eight no balls in a row.

0:24:080:24:13

Usual enough for the Women's 100m final.

0:24:130:24:16

Rory McIlroy is on the green.

0:24:160:24:21

He holds the baby lamb aloft.

0:24:210:24:24

This is for an eagle.

0:24:240:24:28

They think it's all over.

0:24:280:24:29

It is now, I'm dead.

0:24:290:24:37

And the Russian champ beginning her floor routine now.

0:24:370:24:39

Running, running, running, big jump and a tumble and a little

0:24:390:24:42

tumble and then rolling around and a little bit of swirling as I...

0:24:420:24:45

To be honest with you, I normally do the darts.

0:24:450:24:49

Joe Root's up now for England.

0:24:490:24:51

He's quite cute, isn't he?

0:24:510:24:53

He could spend a couple of hours at my crease.

0:24:530:25:01

And at the end of that match it's 0-0, but it doesn't matter

0:25:010:25:04

because both teams are just such lovely people.

0:25:040:25:09

Well, there are three horses in it.

0:25:090:25:11

This is the worst sausage I have ever had.

0:25:110:25:20

And the Ferrari crosses the line in the worst case of cheating

0:25:200:25:23

the London Marathon has ever seen.

0:25:230:25:25

Welcome to the Monaco Grand Prix and, yes, they do

0:25:250:25:27

all sound a lot like bees.

0:25:270:25:37

Well, Gary and I are in the commentary position.

0:25:380:25:44

If you want to know where that is it's on page 32

0:25:440:25:47

between missionary and wheelbarrow.

0:25:470:25:48

Shock news as Fifa awards the 2022 World Cup

0:25:480:25:53

to the Islamic State.

0:25:530:26:03

Say what you like about these cyclists.

0:26:080:26:13

But, boy, do they know their drugs.

0:26:130:26:14

The referee there taking down Ronaldo's number.

0:26:140:26:16

Not really the time or the place but good to see we've kicked

0:26:160:26:19

homophobia out of football.

0:26:190:26:23

And as is traditional the leader of the Tour de France now awarded

0:26:230:26:26

with the yellow jersey to remind him what colour his piss

0:26:260:26:29

is supposed to be.

0:26:290:26:31

15.

0:26:310:26:32

30.

0:26:320:26:35

In a chat room it's so difficult to tell.

0:26:350:26:44

Incredible delivery from Serena Williams.

0:26:440:26:47

The baby came out in seven minutes and she didn't even shit herself.

0:26:470:26:50

Oh, that is long, very long!

0:26:500:26:52

I'll put it away now and get on with the commentary.

0:26:520:27:02

OK, and the next topic is - Unlikely Lines From a Thriller.

0:27:030:27:13

Boss, I've got some news about the criminal who's been

0:27:130:27:15

impersonating Sting.

0:27:150:27:16

He's turned himself into The Police.

0:27:160:27:18

We've got to get out before it goes off.

0:27:180:27:20

Oh no, I've misread the sell by date, we've got another week.

0:27:200:27:23

Yes, my name is Pussy Galore.

0:27:230:27:24

Yeah, obviously it's a codename.

0:27:240:27:26

My real name?

0:27:260:27:27

Oh, it's Fanny Everywhere.

0:27:270:27:37

Everybody be cool this is a robbery.

0:27:400:27:41

You, in the Game Of Thrones t-shirt, what did I just

0:27:410:27:44

say about being cool?

0:27:440:27:47

Strapped to a railway line.

0:27:470:27:50

Thank God, it's Southern.

0:27:500:27:51

I've got six hours to escape.

0:27:510:27:57

APPLAUSE

0:27:570:28:00

Whoever you are, I will find you and I will kill you.

0:28:000:28:05

Now can you tell me your postcode so I can pop it in the Sat Nav?

0:28:050:28:09

Mr Brown meet Mr White.

0:28:090:28:10

I really should learn these diplomats' names.

0:28:100:28:18

You can beat me as much as you like but I can't

0:28:180:28:21

tell you where he is.

0:28:210:28:22

That's how it's all set up.

0:28:220:28:23

No one knows where Wally is.

0:28:230:28:31

Go, leave me behind.

0:28:310:28:32

I love you, that's why I'm saying this.

0:28:320:28:34

Go ahead without me.

0:28:340:28:36

You only get one chance to play The Crystal Maze.

0:28:360:28:46

Arggghhh!

0:28:470:28:48

I'm so angry about all these people observing Ramadan.

0:28:480:28:50

Nigel Farage stars in The Fast and The Furious.

0:28:500:28:56

Male, 30 to 35, caucasian.

0:28:560:28:57

No obvious sign of trauma.

0:28:570:29:04

Oh.

0:29:040:29:05

No wait, the head should be attached to the body, shouldn't it?

0:29:050:29:14

Right, we was going down the match, going down to see the match

0:29:140:29:17

with some of the lads and some bloke's got killed, hasn't he?

0:29:170:29:20

Yeah, it was Murder on the Leyton Orient Express.

0:29:200:29:26

Oh my God, you're the Zodiac killer.

0:29:260:29:29

Before you do it, I'm a Libra, just let me know what I've got coming up.

0:29:290:29:34

This elevator company is corrupt, and I think it goes

0:29:340:29:36

all the way to the top.

0:29:360:29:45

You can kill me, but if you do you will never find

0:29:450:29:49

the sarin gas canister I have placed in the president's fridge.

0:29:490:29:51

Shit.

0:29:510:29:58

You're trying to expose corruption in my elevator company?

0:29:580:30:00

You're going down.

0:30:000:30:05

At the end of that the points go to Ed, Tiff and Nish.

0:30:050:30:08

APPLAUSE

0:30:080:30:12

And that's the end of the show.

0:30:120:30:15

This week's winners are Nish Kumar, Tiff Stevenson and Ed Byrne.

0:30:150:30:18

APPLAUSE

0:30:180:30:21

Commiserations to Rhys James, Hugh Dennis and Tom Allen.

0:30:210:30:25

Thank you for watching.

0:30:250:30:28

I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.

0:30:280:30:35

PERCUSSIVE CLICKING

0:30:570:30:59

WHISTLE

0:30:590:31:00

6 Music... Recommends.

0:31:000:31:02

We pick...

0:31:020:31:03

..new music.

0:31:030:31:05

Dara O Briain and Hugh Dennis look back on another week's events with the help of guests Rhys James, Tom Allen, Ed Byrne, Nish Kumar and Tiff Stevenson.