Episode 7 Mock the Week


Episode 7

Dara O Briain and Hugh Dennis return to summarise the week's events with the help of guests Angela Barnes, Ed Byrne, Ed Gamble, Milton Jones and Nish Kumar.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

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# But don't believe in everything you see or hear

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# Read all about it

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# Read all about it

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# News of the world News of the world... #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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# Read all about it

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# News of the world News of the world. #

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Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.

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Joining me this week are Nish Kumar, Ed Byrne and Ed Gamble.

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Milton Jones, Hugh Dennis and Angela Barnes.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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We start tonight with a round called

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If This Is The Answer What Is The Question?

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On the board are six categories.

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Angela, which category would you like?

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Can I have World News, please, Dara?

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Lovely. Your category is World News and the answer is 6.

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What is the question?

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Is it - what do men in New Zealand think about every ten seconds?

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Is it - what was the number of the sixth person to own a telephone?

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Is it - how many calories were in the winning dish

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on North Korean MasterChef?

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Is it the number of times my father has referred to this

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show as Mock Of The Week today?

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Man, I'm telling you, it is literally written behind me.

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Yeah, I know.

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And people go - "Yeah, I know you. You're on Mock Of The Week."

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Really? Really?!

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Read it. Read it, arsehole!

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Read it from behind my face.

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Is it that your head looks like an O?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Two things...

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Two things about that.

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Firstly, the "Dara has a large head thing" again, right?

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Did I say large? I was referring to the baldness.

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OK.

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But also, that would be Mock O The Week.

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You of all people.

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Et tu, Paddy?

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Is it - what is the slang term for mutual oral sex

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but someone gets up halfway through because they're bored?

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"We had a deal!", you shouted as they left.

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How many children do Wills and Kate need to have to make sure

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that Harry is never king?

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I want to bring something up about this.

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-So, she's pregnant with her third one.

-Yeah.

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I didn't know there was a second one. I honestly...

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LAUGHTER

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I saw the news and was like, "Who is that little girl?!"

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They're like Fast & Furious movies.

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There's always one more than you think.

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Did you not see the words "previously on Kate"?

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Is it - how many seconds would a giraffe last

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in a World War I trench?

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APPLAUSE

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Is it - what's the population of South Korea in 2018.

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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There's a lot of South Koreans in tonight. Very sensitive.

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Is it simply at what age does life start to go downhill?

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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I'm not sure if it's your delivery that broke my heart

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or their applause.

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We randomly selected 300 people who went, "Yeah, yeah, that's right."

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I can't tell whether they were applauding

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because they were like, "Yeah, he is right."

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Or whether it was like, "Yeah, his life did go wrong at six."

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Both are true.

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Is it if you're collecting the number six from an airport,

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what would you write on a piece of cardboard?

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Surely you would recognise the number six as he came through.

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Or it might be nine doing a handstand.

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It could be nine.

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It could be number 66 and it had an argument on the plane.

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Will somebody actually give me the correct answer?

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I think this is a reference to North Korea

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because this is the sixth nuclear test that they have done.

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Absolutely right. Thank you very much, Nish Kumar.

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Yes.

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The question I was looking for was -

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how many nuclear tests has North Korea carried out?

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This is the news that North Korea has conducted,

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at the time of recording,

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its sixth nuclear test, its biggest so far.

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The country claimed it had detonated a hydrogen bomb that can be

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fitted to a ballistic missile.

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I love the caveat of "at time of recording".

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Yeah!

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The way things are going, this could be the first-ever

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episode of Mock The Week not to make it to Dave.

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It's not a very impressive nuclear weapon, is it?

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Do you want more stripes, or something?

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-It just looks like...

-It is a very impressive butt plug.

-Yeah.

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It's very worrying, though, isn't it?

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A megalomaniac who has got nuclear weapons

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and a terrible haircut

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is taking on Kim Jong-un.

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I would also like to commend Ed Gamble on his commitment to

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satire this week.

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He appears to have had his hair cut exactly like Kim Jong-un.

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LAUGHTER

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Well, I didn't want... Thank you.

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I don't want to jinx it but I've got a rather important audition later.

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The rules of being the lookalike on the show

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is you've really got to do the whole pose.

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-Have you got the picture?

-What do you mean, the whole pose?

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APPLAUSE With the hand. With the hand!

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There you go.

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Bravo.

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I look forward to seeing how that was when I watch it back.

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Yes. It is the nuclear test in North Korea. Are you panicking?

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Are you scared?

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No. Because I know where all the nuclear bunkers are.

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Are you going to share the information?

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Nope. That is between me and the key-holders.

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There are 1,500 of them in this country,

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enough for 1% of the population.

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OK.

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That 1% of population being government and not us.

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So if we tried to get into one, we would be shot dead.

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Not Dara. He's the science man.

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I'll be there going, "Hello? I think I'm the science guy."

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And from the other side of the door, Brian Cox will go, "No, you're not."

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How has America responded to all this?

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Very, very, very calmly.

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In these situations,

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what you want is a president in the White House who is a reality star

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and Secretary of State for Defence whose nickname is Mad Dog Mattis.

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He has so far threatened North Korea with total annihilation.

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No, he said that total annihilation...

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He's not taking that off the list of possibilities.

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Well, he's looked at various possibilities, hasn't he?

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Of the options, total annihilation remains one of the options.

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Apparently China said to Trump, don't turn the North Korean

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president from dictator to martyr

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and Trump said, "We say tomato."

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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What is it he...?

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Does Kim Jong-un really believe that the US want to invade North Korea?

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-Yes. He's been telling us for years.

-But that is so...

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That's like Piers Morgan having a birthday party and hiring bouncers.

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Like, no-one is coming, Piers.

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-Who is in the middle of all this?

-What do you mean?

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-China.

-The whole of the rest of the world.

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-South Korea.

-It's Japan.

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Japan. It is Japan.

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Who says?

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Because they fired it over Japan.

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In the same week that they did the underground test,

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they also fired a missile that landed over Japan.

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-They tipped it over them.

-Yes. So not on Japan.

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Not on Japan, but passing them.

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So really it's the Pacific Ocean that needs to worry.

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Yes, they fired a possible nuclear weapon into an ocean

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near Japan which we as well know has animal life in it

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that reacts badly to having nuclear weapons fired at it.

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I think we've seen enough documentary footage...

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Do you know this because you're the science man?

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I am the science man and for God's sake listen to me!

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There's a lizard out there and it's going to attack everyone!

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Why can't you people listen to me?!

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APPLAUSE

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I know it sounds crazy!

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We can't close the beaches. It's Labor Day weekend!

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But my wife died!

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In the remake.

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None of the Japanese knew what to do, though, did they?

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They got a text message to say you've got ten minutes,

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-there's a nuclear weapon coming over.

-Yeah.

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What do you do? It's like a fire alarm.

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You wander out onto the street and have a cigarette. What happens?

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He seems delighted.

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That's a particularly happy photograph for him

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in this situation.

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But, yeah, they do, there's some sort of text.

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We would all go, "Oh, spam."

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Why is he with one general and three train conductors?

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That is a tricky text to compose,

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the text that you have to send to all the people in Japan

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saying there is a nuclear...

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Like, if you use emojis,

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it's going to compromise the seriousness of the message

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unless you get it just right.

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So I would suggest - explosion emoji, prayer hands,

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prayer hands, smiling poo.

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LAUGHTER

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A spokesperson in Japan described it as grave and unprecedented.

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It's like, grave, yeah. But unprecedented, in Japan?

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It's the only place where it is precedented.

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Apparently there were genuinely signs at the metro stations

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saying, "We are experiencing disruptions

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"because of a ballistic missile launch."

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I love that it was just disruptions.

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Like, here, obviously everything would shut down immediately.

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There, the threat of nuclear war doesn't push them

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onto a replacement bus service.

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In other news, what are four American companies building

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for Donald Trump?

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-A wall.

-A wall, yes.

-Bits of a wall, designs of a wall.

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-Sections of a wall, yes.

-I think they're just trying out loads

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of different types of... One made of sticks, one made of straw...

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He should have... He's asking all the American contractors

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to build it, he should have just gone straight to China.

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It'd be a lot cheaper and they're really good at walls.

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They're going to test them all, aren't they?

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The spokesperson said they're going to test them all

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-with small hand tools.

-Yeah.

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Which, presumably, are tools made specifically for Donald Trump.

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To be honest, Small Hand Tool is his Secret Service code name.

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-How long is the wall?

-How long is the wall? 2,000 kilo...

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-2,000...

-Kilometres.

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Well, I bet you it's still finished before Heathrow's third runway.

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It won't get made because they keep saying the Mexicans

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are going to pay for it. There's no way this is going to get made.

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The people who are supposed to be building it may as well just say,

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"We're going to build the best wall. There's going to be lasers

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"and there's going to be lions and it's going to be covered in tits.

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"It's going to be amazing.

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"We're going to paint a tunnel on the side to catch that

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"pesky Road Runner."

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If I were one of those companies, I'd be putting forward

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the Emperor's New Wall.

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And just say to Trump, "Yeah, only bigly clever people can see it."

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And then just hire mimes to stand behind and go...

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That'd be great.

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OK. At the end of that round, the points go to

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Angela, Hugh and Milton.

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Yes!

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Yes!

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Now we play a round called Taking Up The Jong-un.

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This...

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..involves Milton Jones and Ed Gamble, so if you could

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make your way to the performance area, please.

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This round is a stand-up challenge. I launch the Wheel Of News,

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and wherever it chooses to stop, our performers must step forward

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and talk about that subject.

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OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.

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The first subject is exercise. Who wants to come in on that? Ed.

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I ran the London Marathon this year.

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-CHEERING

-Thank you.

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That was an absolutely amazing reception from you guys,

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thank you very much. There was an awkward pause, two people

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thought, "I better fill that and go, 'ooh'", and the rest of you,

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collectively, just went with, "Well, we could not give a shit,

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"thank you very much.

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"We saw that on television, thousands of people

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"did that. Also, it was in April, how about you move on

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"with your life?

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"Also, of course you ran the London Marathon.

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"You are a white, middle-class man in his early thirties,

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"that's what you do."

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You're right, that is the most basic first step of the most basic

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posh man life ever.

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I can live my whole life on tracks now if I wanted to.

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So it goes - marathon, marriage,

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kid, sleep with the au pair,

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divorce, Crocs, death. That's it.

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Did it for charity, because I'm a great guy.

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And you sort of have to.

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The charity I did it for was a type 1 diabetes charity.

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Before you think I'm too good of a human being,

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will let you know that I am type 1 diabetic, so I will see

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that money eventually.

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Very much playing the long game with that cash.

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Didn't actually enjoy the marathon, though, for one specific reason.

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Every few miles, there was groups of people stood there

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with blue rubber gloves on with globs of Vaseline on the ends

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of their fingers, like this.

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Now, at the time, I had no idea that they were employed

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by the marathon.

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You're supposed to run past them, take Vaseline, rub it on any

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areas of chafage. I had no idea they were supposed to be there!

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To me, that just looked like some sort of horrendous

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motivational technique.

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"You better get keep running, boy.

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"You better pick up the pace.

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"Otherwise it's examination time!

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"You got an appointment with Dr Fingers!"

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Thank you very much!

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OK, that leaves us with Milton.

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Milton, let's see what your topic is. Let's spin the wheel.

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The topic is safety.

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Away you go.

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Just like to say to the old man who was wearing camouflage

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and using crutches who stole my wallet earlier...

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..you can hide but you can't run.

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Of course, these days, a lot of people are putting poison

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on the menu of restaurants in the hope that French people

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think it's fish.

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My dad's answer to everything was alcohol.

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He didn't drink, he was just very bad at quizzes.

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I only have access to my son on Saturdays.

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He fell under the floorboards of a synagogue.

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I would like to see a world without plagiarism.

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You may say I'm a dreamer.

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But I'm not the only one.

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You see, my friends, if I had a crystal ball,

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I'd sit down very carefully.

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They say that putting mud on your face is good for your skin,

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but I saw a sign the other day that said "sewage treatment works."

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Trust me, it doesn't.

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Thank you very much, well done!

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Points from that go to Ed Gamble!

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Come on back.

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Our next round is called Picture Of The Week.

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I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me

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what's happening. So what's going on here?

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Is that after the latest exchange rates, is she holding Britain's pot

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we've got left to piss in?

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Is Shinzo Abe saying, "Who is this ghost and why does she keep

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"saying strong and stable?"

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He looks like he's going to her,

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"I have a traditional Japanese welcome for you right here."

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Is it more likely that Shinzo Abe is saying, "Sake?"

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And she's saying, "No, I was being serious."

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It's actually very respectful, what she's doing.

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She always dresses as the flag of the country she's visiting.

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-Does anyone know what it is?

-They are laying bets on whether or not

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they can get Theresa May to drink the finger bowl.

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-Is Theresa May on a trade trip to Japan?

-Absolutely right.

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Thank you very much, Hugh Dennis.

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Yes, of course. This is a picture of Theresa May and

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Japanese prime minister Shinzo Abe during her visit to Japan last week.

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So what did she announce while she was there?

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That she's not a quitter.

0:17:190:17:21

Yeah, yeah.

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Although she doesn't want to drink any more Japanese tea.

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I don't trust people who renounce things that

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they're not doing.

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Like, I got on a train once and I went to sit next to this guy

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and he just looked at me and went, "I'm not pissing my pants."

0:17:320:17:35

And I thought, "I'm not sitting next to you."

0:17:350:17:38

Again, apologies, Angela.

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She's a bit like a boxer, isn't she, who gets knocked out

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then demands a rematch. You don't know whether to admire

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her tenacity or wonder whether there's brain damage.

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Meanwhile, what's Boris Johnson doing? He's been doing

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the same thing as Theresa May, which is?

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Well, rather dangerously, he has been in Nigeria.

0:17:570:17:59

Are we sure that he's there negotiating trade deals,

0:17:590:18:01

or is there following up an e-mail he received from

0:18:010:18:04

the king of Nigeria?

0:18:040:18:05

I think it's far more likely that the king of Nigeria,

0:18:080:18:11

or the prime minister of Nigeria, has Boris Johnson appear and go,

0:18:110:18:14

"Fub-alub-alub-alub, I'm the Minister for Foreign Affairs

0:18:140:18:16

"for the British Government and we need you to invest

0:18:160:18:19

"£1 million and then we'll give you lots of jam."

0:18:190:18:22

He's going, "Oh, one of these.

0:18:220:18:23

"One was going to come the other way eventually."

0:18:250:18:28

"I wasn't born yesterday, mate, get out."

0:18:280:18:31

Delete, delete.

0:18:310:18:32

"We invented this. We invented this scam here, you don't...

0:18:320:18:36

"You can't kid a kidder. You can't come to Nigeria

0:18:360:18:38

"and tell us that you're the Foreign Minister...

0:18:380:18:41

"And that you have lots of jam."

0:18:430:18:45

Neither of them have immersed themselves in the cultures

0:18:470:18:50

of where they've been. Theresa May went for tea and he went

0:18:500:18:52

to the Guinness Factory. They may as well have asked for a fry-up

0:18:520:18:55

and an EastEnders box set.

0:18:550:18:57

Boris is enjoying it, though.

0:18:580:18:59

Oh, my God, what happened to his face?!

0:18:590:19:02

What happened?! He looks like the walking dead!

0:19:040:19:08

Look how big his hand's swollen up!

0:19:080:19:10

The good thing about Boris Johnson...

0:19:110:19:13

No, I can't...

0:19:140:19:16

He's done a number of these countries recently.

0:19:210:19:23

Did anyone catch the beautiful rendition of

0:19:230:19:25

God Save The Queen from the Libyan Army?

0:19:250:19:28

Which greeted Boris recently.

0:19:280:19:29

I know they're very patriotic here,

0:19:290:19:32

if you wish to stand and silently pay respects during

0:19:320:19:35

God Save The Queen.

0:19:350:19:37

THEY PLAY OUT OF TUNE God Save The Queen

0:19:370:19:41

That's like the scene at the end of Close Encounters

0:19:560:19:59

where they're trying to figure out...

0:19:590:20:01

LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH

0:20:010:20:02

Someone's just given them the instruments and gone,

0:20:020:20:04

"Work out how to play them right now!"

0:20:040:20:07

There's one guy who just comes in once. And it's just,

0:20:070:20:09

"Whenever you feel like it. Just give me one note, one note,

0:20:090:20:13

"just towards the end, just go for it."

0:20:130:20:15

Do it again. Just this one guy, I just love him. He just comes in...

0:20:170:20:20

OUT-OF-TUNE HONK

0:20:300:20:31

In other news, what's been surprising drivers

0:20:390:20:41

in Buckinghamshire?

0:20:410:20:42

-Oh.

-Glasgow.

-Yes.

0:20:420:20:44

Is it they've got these bollards and in order to get people to slow down,

0:20:480:20:52

-they've dressed the bollards as children?

-Yes.

0:20:520:20:54

But not sort of normal children, as the ghosts of children.

0:20:540:20:58

Yes, they have. Spooky children.

0:20:580:21:00

Absolutely horrific.

0:21:000:21:01

Yeah, that you're supposed to drive past and go, "Oh, my God,

0:21:010:21:04

"I don't want to hit the spook in a New York Jets kit."

0:21:040:21:08

First thing I would do, if I was driving at night

0:21:080:21:10

and I saw a child that looked like that, I'd run it over immediately

0:21:100:21:13

to release the demon within.

0:21:130:21:15

See, the idea of these is that people will think the bollards

0:21:170:21:20

-are children and slow down.

-Yes.

0:21:200:21:23

Eventually, they'll realise that they're not children.

0:21:230:21:25

Now, has anybody ever heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf?

0:21:250:21:28

Does that mean in Buckinghamshire previously, people have just

0:21:310:21:34

been seeing bollards and been like, "Ha-ha, not today, son"?

0:21:340:21:37

-Just powered straight into them.

-I think this car can take it,

0:21:370:21:40

I think this car... "I'd like my car bollard-proof."

0:21:400:21:43

"A very popular choice in this part of Buckinghamshire, sir."

0:21:430:21:46

It'd be great if they were those bollards that came out of

0:21:460:21:49

the middle of the road.

0:21:490:21:50

You see, I think the kid's jaundice is going to get her

0:21:580:22:00

before a car does.

0:22:000:22:01

They look like they've been put there to entice paedophiles.

0:22:020:22:06

Look, I know the intentions were good, but what they've created

0:22:060:22:09

is a Madame Tussauds for sex offenders.

0:22:090:22:11

Surely it would be more effective if you dressed the children

0:22:120:22:15

as bollards? And then people would be less inclined

0:22:150:22:18

to drive into the children.

0:22:180:22:21

Cos they'll go, "I might damage my car there."

0:22:210:22:23

They cost five grand each.

0:22:230:22:25

It'd be cheaper to pay a child.

0:22:250:22:27

What do you call those things that slow you down if you go over them?

0:22:300:22:33

Students.

0:22:330:22:34

I can't believe there's a brown one.

0:22:370:22:39

Political correctness gone mad.

0:22:390:22:41

-In Buckinghamshire, as well.

-In Buckinghamshire, as well.

0:22:420:22:45

Didn't need it for representation.

0:22:450:22:46

Buckinghamshire going, "That's clearly a bollard."

0:22:460:22:49

At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Ed and Nish!

0:22:550:22:59

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See, so if everyone

0:23:030:23:06

can make their way over to the performance area.

0:23:060:23:08

I'll read out this week's topics and we'll see what our panellists

0:23:080:23:11

can come up with.

0:23:110:23:12

OK, here we go. The first subject is...

0:23:120:23:16

Which of the following is not a hydrocarbon -

0:23:210:23:23

kerosene, ethylene,

0:23:230:23:25

Come On Eileen.

0:23:250:23:26

Welcome to your French exam. It's exactly the same as your

0:23:310:23:34

English exam, but with tongues.

0:23:340:23:36

Postgraduate Sociology.

0:23:400:23:42

Your degree is good for driving -

0:23:420:23:44

A, cab.

0:23:440:23:45

Draw the male reproductive system on this toilet door.

0:23:520:23:55

Why do Mummy and Daddy not love each other any more?

0:24:000:24:02

Was it something you did?

0:24:020:24:04

Eton College A-levels, question one.

0:24:090:24:11

Is this the question your teacher showed you last week?

0:24:110:24:15

If Theresa has 330 seats in the parliament

0:24:190:24:22

and then she loses 13,

0:24:220:24:24

how does she still have a job?

0:24:240:24:26

Biology Practical, question one.

0:24:330:24:34

Cock or ball?

0:24:340:24:35

Psychology, question one.

0:24:460:24:48

How are you going to feel if you can't even answer this one?

0:24:480:24:51

Cornwall has no capital.

0:24:570:24:59

False or Truro?

0:24:590:25:00

Identify this novel from the following quote.

0:25:060:25:08

"Welcome to Jurassic Park."

0:25:080:25:10

Cockney Hard Man Exam, question one.

0:25:150:25:17

What the fuck are you looking at?

0:25:170:25:19

Theology. Is there a God?

0:25:250:25:27

You'd better hope so. Look at this next question.

0:25:270:25:30

What is the sexiest of all the dance moves?

0:25:350:25:37

Please show your twerking.

0:25:370:25:39

Nuclear Physics A-level.

0:25:450:25:46

Mark on a map where Guam used to be.

0:25:460:25:48

Write an essay about your favourite hobby, but write it in foreign.

0:25:540:25:58

Who predicted the first fridge?

0:26:030:26:05

Was it A, Nostradamus,

0:26:050:26:06

B, Prepostradamus,

0:26:060:26:08

or C, Defrostradamus?

0:26:080:26:10

Theoretical Physics. Discuss the theoretical possibility

0:26:160:26:19

of time travel. You have one hour, starting three hours ago.

0:26:190:26:22

Advanced Bullying, question one.

0:26:280:26:30

Dickhead says what?

0:26:300:26:31

Discuss the use of symbolism in the Of Mice and Men books,

0:26:360:26:39

which are, of course - Of Mice And Men: Two Mice, Two Men

0:26:390:26:42

and Of Mice And Men: Tokyo Drift.

0:26:420:26:44

OK, next topic is...

0:26:480:26:49

Pepsi.

0:26:530:26:54

It'll do.

0:26:540:26:56

Immigration - loves the jobs you hate.

0:27:010:27:04

Why do I use Pantene?

0:27:070:27:09

Because my other nine pans are broken.

0:27:100:27:13

Myspace.

0:27:200:27:21

We're still here!

0:27:210:27:23

Why don't you ever visit us?!

0:27:230:27:24

I'm sorry I slept with your sister at your grandad's funeral.

0:27:290:27:32

Cards for any occasion at moonpig.com.

0:27:320:27:35

Are you under seven and can stand still beside the road

0:27:390:27:42

for a very long time?

0:27:420:27:44

Introducing the new BMW haemorrhoid series, because eventually

0:27:500:27:55

every arsehole gets one.

0:27:550:27:56

Dove deodorant,

0:28:000:28:01

because no-one likes a smelly dove.

0:28:010:28:04

Mmm.

0:28:100:28:11

Nish Kumar.

0:28:120:28:14

Sounds exotic.

0:28:170:28:19

It turns out he's just a bloke.

0:28:190:28:21

Nike now sponsor the panda mating programme at London Zoo.

0:28:320:28:35

Just do it!

0:28:350:28:36

Have you thought about retirement?

0:28:410:28:44

I have, since the age of six.

0:28:440:28:45

Are you a woman who wants longer lashes?

0:28:500:28:53

How about showing a bit of ankle in Saudi Arabia?

0:28:530:28:55

Coffee, just think of it as like really shit cocaine.

0:29:010:29:04

I'm sorry, Tiddles just ran in the road and I couldn't stop in time.

0:29:090:29:12

You can see pictures at comparethesmearedcat.com.

0:29:120:29:14

Nando's, it's basically a Sunday roast for brown people.

0:29:210:29:25

Budweiser, for when you only sort of want a beer.

0:29:300:29:33

Now with new lip plumping technology,

0:29:370:29:39

camel toe pants.

0:29:390:29:40

I'm ashamed of myself, all right?

0:29:440:29:46

Mr Kipling makes exceedingly good cakes,

0:29:480:29:51

and he's not a bad shag.

0:29:510:29:53

Original Source mint shower gel, it smells nice, but it'll

0:29:570:29:59

burn your dick off.

0:29:590:30:01

At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Ed and Nish!

0:30:040:30:07

And that's the end of the show. This week's winners are

0:30:150:30:18

Nish Kumar, Ed Byrne and Ed Gamble!

0:30:180:30:20

Commiserations to Milton Jones, Hugh Dennis and Angela Barnes.

0:30:230:30:27

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain, goodnight.

0:30:290:30:33

MUSIC: News Of The World by The Jam

0:30:330:30:36

Dara O Briain and Hugh Dennis return to summarise the week's events with the help of guests Angela Barnes, Ed Byrne, Ed Gamble, Milton Jones and Nish Kumar.