Episode 7 Mock the Week

This programme contains some strong language

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.

Joining me this week are Nish Kumar, Ed Byrne and Ed Gamble.

Milton Jones, Hugh Dennis and Angela Barnes.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We start tonight with a round called

If This Is The Answer What Is The Question?

On the board are six categories.

Angela, which category would you like?

Can I have World News, please, Dara?

Lovely. Your category is World News and the answer is 6.

What is the question?

Is it - what do men in New Zealand think about every ten seconds?

Is it - what was the number of the sixth person to own a telephone?

Is it - how many calories were in the winning dish

on North Korean MasterChef?

Is it the number of times my father has referred to this

show as Mock Of The Week today?

Man, I'm telling you, it is literally written behind me.

Yeah, I know.

And people go - "Yeah, I know you. You're on Mock Of The Week."

Really? Really?!

Read it. Read it, arsehole!

Read it from behind my face.

Is it that your head looks like an O?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Two things...

Two things about that.

Firstly, the "Dara has a large head thing" again, right?

Did I say large? I was referring to the baldness.

OK.

But also, that would be Mock O The Week.

You of all people.

Et tu, Paddy?

Is it - what is the slang term for mutual oral sex

but someone gets up halfway through because they're bored?

"We had a deal!", you shouted as they left.

How many children do Wills and Kate need to have to make sure

that Harry is never king?

I want to bring something up about this.

-So, she's pregnant with her third one.

-Yeah.

I didn't know there was a second one. I honestly...

LAUGHTER

I saw the news and was like, "Who is that little girl?!"

They're like Fast & Furious movies.

There's always one more than you think.

Did you not see the words "previously on Kate"?

Is it - how many seconds would a giraffe last

in a World War I trench?

APPLAUSE

Is it - what's the population of South Korea in 2018.

AUDIENCE GROANS

There's a lot of South Koreans in tonight. Very sensitive.

Is it simply at what age does life start to go downhill?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I'm not sure if it's your delivery that broke my heart

or their applause.

We randomly selected 300 people who went, "Yeah, yeah, that's right."

I can't tell whether they were applauding

because they were like, "Yeah, he is right."

Or whether it was like, "Yeah, his life did go wrong at six."

Both are true.

Is it if you're collecting the number six from an airport,

what would you write on a piece of cardboard?

Surely you would recognise the number six as he came through.

Or it might be nine doing a handstand.

It could be nine.

It could be number 66 and it had an argument on the plane.

Will somebody actually give me the correct answer?

I think this is a reference to North Korea

because this is the sixth nuclear test that they have done.

Absolutely right. Thank you very much, Nish Kumar.

Yes.

The question I was looking for was -

how many nuclear tests has North Korea carried out?

This is the news that North Korea has conducted,

at the time of recording,

its sixth nuclear test, its biggest so far.

The country claimed it had detonated a hydrogen bomb that can be

fitted to a ballistic missile.

I love the caveat of "at time of recording".

Yeah!

The way things are going, this could be the first-ever

episode of Mock The Week not to make it to Dave.

It's not a very impressive nuclear weapon, is it?

Do you want more stripes, or something?

-It just looks like...

-It is a very impressive butt plug.

-Yeah.

It's very worrying, though, isn't it?

A megalomaniac who has got nuclear weapons

and a terrible haircut

is taking on Kim Jong-un.

I would also like to commend Ed Gamble on his commitment to

satire this week.

He appears to have had his hair cut exactly like Kim Jong-un.

LAUGHTER

Well, I didn't want... Thank you.

I don't want to jinx it but I've got a rather important audition later.

The rules of being the lookalike on the show

is you've really got to do the whole pose.

-Have you got the picture?

-What do you mean, the whole pose?

APPLAUSE With the hand. With the hand!

There you go.

Bravo.

I look forward to seeing how that was when I watch it back.

Yes. It is the nuclear test in North Korea. Are you panicking?

Are you scared?

No. Because I know where all the nuclear bunkers are.

Are you going to share the information?

Nope. That is between me and the key-holders.

There are 1,500 of them in this country,

enough for 1% of the population.

OK.

That 1% of population being government and not us.

So if we tried to get into one, we would be shot dead.

Not Dara. He's the science man.

I'll be there going, "Hello? I think I'm the science guy."

And from the other side of the door, Brian Cox will go, "No, you're not."

How has America responded to all this?

Very, very, very calmly.

In these situations,

what you want is a president in the White House who is a reality star

and Secretary of State for Defence whose nickname is Mad Dog Mattis.

He has so far threatened North Korea with total annihilation.

No, he said that total annihilation...

He's not taking that off the list of possibilities.

Well, he's looked at various possibilities, hasn't he?

Of the options, total annihilation remains one of the options.

Apparently China said to Trump, don't turn the North Korean

president from dictator to martyr

and Trump said, "We say tomato."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What is it he...?

Does Kim Jong-un really believe that the US want to invade North Korea?

-Yes. He's been telling us for years.

-But that is so...

That's like Piers Morgan having a birthday party and hiring bouncers.

Like, no-one is coming, Piers.

-Who is in the middle of all this?

-What do you mean?

-China.

-The whole of the rest of the world.

-South Korea.

-It's Japan.

Japan. It is Japan.

Who says?

Because they fired it over Japan.

In the same week that they did the underground test,

they also fired a missile that landed over Japan.

-They tipped it over them.

-Yes. So not on Japan.

Not on Japan, but passing them.

So really it's the Pacific Ocean that needs to worry.

Yes, they fired a possible nuclear weapon into an ocean

near Japan which we as well know has animal life in it

that reacts badly to having nuclear weapons fired at it.

I think we've seen enough documentary footage...

Do you know this because you're the science man?

I am the science man and for God's sake listen to me!

There's a lizard out there and it's going to attack everyone!

Why can't you people listen to me?!

APPLAUSE

I know it sounds crazy!

We can't close the beaches. It's Labor Day weekend!

But my wife died!

In the remake.

None of the Japanese knew what to do, though, did they?

They got a text message to say you've got ten minutes,

-there's a nuclear weapon coming over.

-Yeah.

What do you do? It's like a fire alarm.

You wander out onto the street and have a cigarette. What happens?

He seems delighted.

That's a particularly happy photograph for him

in this situation.

But, yeah, they do, there's some sort of text.

We would all go, "Oh, spam."

Why is he with one general and three train conductors?

That is a tricky text to compose,

the text that you have to send to all the people in Japan

saying there is a nuclear...

Like, if you use emojis,

it's going to compromise the seriousness of the message

unless you get it just right.

So I would suggest - explosion emoji, prayer hands,

prayer hands, smiling poo.

LAUGHTER

A spokesperson in Japan described it as grave and unprecedented.

It's like, grave, yeah. But unprecedented, in Japan?

It's the only place where it is precedented.

Apparently there were genuinely signs at the metro stations

saying, "We are experiencing disruptions

"because of a ballistic missile launch."

I love that it was just disruptions.

Like, here, obviously everything would shut down immediately.

There, the threat of nuclear war doesn't push them

onto a replacement bus service.

In other news, what are four American companies building

for Donald Trump?

-A wall.

-A wall, yes.

-Bits of a wall, designs of a wall.

-Sections of a wall, yes.

-I think they're just trying out loads

of different types of... One made of sticks, one made of straw...

He should have... He's asking all the American contractors

to build it, he should have just gone straight to China.

It'd be a lot cheaper and they're really good at walls.

They're going to test them all, aren't they?

The spokesperson said they're going to test them all

-with small hand tools.

-Yeah.

Which, presumably, are tools made specifically for Donald Trump.

To be honest, Small Hand Tool is his Secret Service code name.

-How long is the wall?

-How long is the wall? 2,000 kilo...

-2,000...

-Kilometres.

Well, I bet you it's still finished before Heathrow's third runway.

It won't get made because they keep saying the Mexicans

are going to pay for it. There's no way this is going to get made.

The people who are supposed to be building it may as well just say,

"We're going to build the best wall. There's going to be lasers

"and there's going to be lions and it's going to be covered in tits.

"It's going to be amazing.

"We're going to paint a tunnel on the side to catch that

"pesky Road Runner."

If I were one of those companies, I'd be putting forward

the Emperor's New Wall.

And just say to Trump, "Yeah, only bigly clever people can see it."

And then just hire mimes to stand behind and go...

That'd be great.

OK. At the end of that round, the points go to

Angela, Hugh and Milton.

Yes!

Yes!

Now we play a round called Taking Up The Jong-un.

This...

..involves Milton Jones and Ed Gamble, so if you could

make your way to the performance area, please.

This round is a stand-up challenge. I launch the Wheel Of News,

and wherever it chooses to stop, our performers must step forward

and talk about that subject.

OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.

The first subject is exercise. Who wants to come in on that? Ed.

I ran the London Marathon this year.

-CHEERING

-Thank you.

That was an absolutely amazing reception from you guys,

thank you very much. There was an awkward pause, two people

thought, "I better fill that and go, 'ooh'", and the rest of you,

collectively, just went with, "Well, we could not give a shit,

"thank you very much.

"We saw that on television, thousands of people

"did that. Also, it was in April, how about you move on

"with your life?

"Also, of course you ran the London Marathon.

"You are a white, middle-class man in his early thirties,

"that's what you do."

You're right, that is the most basic first step of the most basic

posh man life ever.

I can live my whole life on tracks now if I wanted to.

So it goes - marathon, marriage,

kid, sleep with the au pair,

divorce, Crocs, death. That's it.

Did it for charity, because I'm a great guy.

And you sort of have to.

The charity I did it for was a type 1 diabetes charity.

Before you think I'm too good of a human being,

will let you know that I am type 1 diabetic, so I will see

that money eventually.

Very much playing the long game with that cash.

Didn't actually enjoy the marathon, though, for one specific reason.

Every few miles, there was groups of people stood there

with blue rubber gloves on with globs of Vaseline on the ends

of their fingers, like this.

Now, at the time, I had no idea that they were employed

by the marathon.

You're supposed to run past them, take Vaseline, rub it on any

areas of chafage. I had no idea they were supposed to be there!

To me, that just looked like some sort of horrendous

motivational technique.

"You better get keep running, boy.

"You better pick up the pace.

"Otherwise it's examination time!

"You got an appointment with Dr Fingers!"

Thank you very much!

OK, that leaves us with Milton.

Milton, let's see what your topic is. Let's spin the wheel.

The topic is safety.

Away you go.

Just like to say to the old man who was wearing camouflage

and using crutches who stole my wallet earlier...

..you can hide but you can't run.

Of course, these days, a lot of people are putting poison

on the menu of restaurants in the hope that French people

think it's fish.

My dad's answer to everything was alcohol.

He didn't drink, he was just very bad at quizzes.

I only have access to my son on Saturdays.

He fell under the floorboards of a synagogue.

I would like to see a world without plagiarism.

You may say I'm a dreamer.

But I'm not the only one.

You see, my friends, if I had a crystal ball,

I'd sit down very carefully.

They say that putting mud on your face is good for your skin,

but I saw a sign the other day that said "sewage treatment works."

Trust me, it doesn't.

Thank you very much, well done!

Points from that go to Ed Gamble!

Come on back.

Our next round is called Picture Of The Week.

I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me

what's happening. So what's going on here?

Is that after the latest exchange rates, is she holding Britain's pot

we've got left to piss in?

Is Shinzo Abe saying, "Who is this ghost and why does she keep

"saying strong and stable?"

He looks like he's going to her,

"I have a traditional Japanese welcome for you right here."

Is it more likely that Shinzo Abe is saying, "Sake?"

And she's saying, "No, I was being serious."

It's actually very respectful, what she's doing.

She always dresses as the flag of the country she's visiting.

-Does anyone know what it is?

-They are laying bets on whether or not

they can get Theresa May to drink the finger bowl.

-Is Theresa May on a trade trip to Japan?

-Absolutely right.

Thank you very much, Hugh Dennis.

Yes, of course. This is a picture of Theresa May and

Japanese prime minister Shinzo Abe during her visit to Japan last week.

So what did she announce while she was there?

That she's not a quitter.

Yeah, yeah.

Although she doesn't want to drink any more Japanese tea.

I don't trust people who renounce things that

they're not doing.

Like, I got on a train once and I went to sit next to this guy

and he just looked at me and went, "I'm not pissing my pants."

And I thought, "I'm not sitting next to you."

Again, apologies, Angela.

She's a bit like a boxer, isn't she, who gets knocked out

then demands a rematch. You don't know whether to admire

her tenacity or wonder whether there's brain damage.

Meanwhile, what's Boris Johnson doing? He's been doing

the same thing as Theresa May, which is?

Well, rather dangerously, he has been in Nigeria.

Are we sure that he's there negotiating trade deals,

or is there following up an e-mail he received from

the king of Nigeria?

I think it's far more likely that the king of Nigeria,

or the prime minister of Nigeria, has Boris Johnson appear and go,

"Fub-alub-alub-alub, I'm the Minister for Foreign Affairs

"for the British Government and we need you to invest

"£1 million and then we'll give you lots of jam."

He's going, "Oh, one of these.

"One was going to come the other way eventually."

"I wasn't born yesterday, mate, get out."

Delete, delete.

"We invented this. We invented this scam here, you don't...

"You can't kid a kidder. You can't come to Nigeria

"and tell us that you're the Foreign Minister...

"And that you have lots of jam."

Neither of them have immersed themselves in the cultures

of where they've been. Theresa May went for tea and he went

to the Guinness Factory. They may as well have asked for a fry-up

and an EastEnders box set.

Boris is enjoying it, though.

Oh, my God, what happened to his face?!

What happened?! He looks like the walking dead!

Look how big his hand's swollen up!

The good thing about Boris Johnson...

No, I can't...

He's done a number of these countries recently.

Did anyone catch the beautiful rendition of

God Save The Queen from the Libyan Army?

Which greeted Boris recently.

I know they're very patriotic here,

if you wish to stand and silently pay respects during

God Save The Queen.

THEY PLAY OUT OF TUNE God Save The Queen

That's like the scene at the end of Close Encounters

where they're trying to figure out...

LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH

Someone's just given them the instruments and gone,

"Work out how to play them right now!"

There's one guy who just comes in once. And it's just,

"Whenever you feel like it. Just give me one note, one note,

"just towards the end, just go for it."

Do it again. Just this one guy, I just love him. He just comes in...

OUT-OF-TUNE HONK

In other news, what's been surprising drivers

in Buckinghamshire?

-Oh.

-Glasgow.

-Yes.

Is it they've got these bollards and in order to get people to slow down,

-they've dressed the bollards as children?

-Yes.

But not sort of normal children, as the ghosts of children.

Yes, they have. Spooky children.

Absolutely horrific.

Yeah, that you're supposed to drive past and go, "Oh, my God,

"I don't want to hit the spook in a New York Jets kit."

First thing I would do, if I was driving at night

and I saw a child that looked like that, I'd run it over immediately

to release the demon within.

See, the idea of these is that people will think the bollards

-are children and slow down.

-Yes.

Eventually, they'll realise that they're not children.

Now, has anybody ever heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf?

Does that mean in Buckinghamshire previously, people have just

been seeing bollards and been like, "Ha-ha, not today, son"?

-Just powered straight into them.

-I think this car can take it,

I think this car... "I'd like my car bollard-proof."

"A very popular choice in this part of Buckinghamshire, sir."

It'd be great if they were those bollards that came out of

the middle of the road.

You see, I think the kid's jaundice is going to get her

before a car does.

They look like they've been put there to entice paedophiles.

Look, I know the intentions were good, but what they've created

is a Madame Tussauds for sex offenders.

Surely it would be more effective if you dressed the children

as bollards? And then people would be less inclined

to drive into the children.

Cos they'll go, "I might damage my car there."

They cost five grand each.

It'd be cheaper to pay a child.

What do you call those things that slow you down if you go over them?

Students.

I can't believe there's a brown one.

Political correctness gone mad.

-In Buckinghamshire, as well.

-In Buckinghamshire, as well.

Didn't need it for representation.

Buckinghamshire going, "That's clearly a bollard."

At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Ed and Nish!

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See, so if everyone

can make their way over to the performance area.

I'll read out this week's topics and we'll see what our panellists

can come up with.

OK, here we go. The first subject is...

Which of the following is not a hydrocarbon -

kerosene, ethylene,

Come On Eileen.

Welcome to your French exam. It's exactly the same as your

English exam, but with tongues.

Postgraduate Sociology.

Your degree is good for driving -

A, cab.

Draw the male reproductive system on this toilet door.

Why do Mummy and Daddy not love each other any more?

Was it something you did?

Eton College A-levels, question one.

Is this the question your teacher showed you last week?

If Theresa has 330 seats in the parliament

and then she loses 13,

how does she still have a job?

Biology Practical, question one.

Cock or ball?

Psychology, question one.

How are you going to feel if you can't even answer this one?

Cornwall has no capital.

False or Truro?

Identify this novel from the following quote.

"Welcome to Jurassic Park."

Cockney Hard Man Exam, question one.

What the fuck are you looking at?

Theology. Is there a God?

You'd better hope so. Look at this next question.

What is the sexiest of all the dance moves?

Please show your twerking.

Nuclear Physics A-level.

Mark on a map where Guam used to be.

Write an essay about your favourite hobby, but write it in foreign.

Who predicted the first fridge?

Was it A, Nostradamus,

B, Prepostradamus,

or C, Defrostradamus?

Theoretical Physics. Discuss the theoretical possibility

of time travel. You have one hour, starting three hours ago.

Advanced Bullying, question one.

Dickhead says what?

Discuss the use of symbolism in the Of Mice and Men books,

which are, of course - Of Mice And Men: Two Mice, Two Men

and Of Mice And Men: Tokyo Drift.

OK, next topic is...

Pepsi.

It'll do.

Immigration - loves the jobs you hate.

Why do I use Pantene?

Because my other nine pans are broken.

Myspace.

We're still here!

Why don't you ever visit us?!

I'm sorry I slept with your sister at your grandad's funeral.

Cards for any occasion at moonpig.com.

Are you under seven and can stand still beside the road

for a very long time?

Introducing the new BMW haemorrhoid series, because eventually

every arsehole gets one.

Dove deodorant,

because no-one likes a smelly dove.

Mmm.

Nish Kumar.

Sounds exotic.

It turns out he's just a bloke.

Nike now sponsor the panda mating programme at London Zoo.

Just do it!

Have you thought about retirement?

I have, since the age of six.

Are you a woman who wants longer lashes?

How about showing a bit of ankle in Saudi Arabia?

Coffee, just think of it as like really shit cocaine.

I'm sorry, Tiddles just ran in the road and I couldn't stop in time.

You can see pictures at comparethesmearedcat.com.

Nando's, it's basically a Sunday roast for brown people.

Budweiser, for when you only sort of want a beer.

Now with new lip plumping technology,

camel toe pants.

I'm ashamed of myself, all right?

Mr Kipling makes exceedingly good cakes,

and he's not a bad shag.

Original Source mint shower gel, it smells nice, but it'll

burn your dick off.

At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Ed and Nish!

And that's the end of the show. This week's winners are

Nish Kumar, Ed Byrne and Ed Gamble!

Commiserations to Milton Jones, Hugh Dennis and Angela Barnes.

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain, goodnight.

MUSIC: News Of The World by The Jam