Episode 8 Mock the Week

This programme contains some strong language

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Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.

Joining me this week are Rhys James, Ellie Taylor and Ed Byrne,

James Acaster, Hugh Dennis and Tom Allen.

APPLAUSE

We start with a round called Picture Of The Week.

I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me

what is happening. So what's going on here?

I was looking to see if Theresa May's in the background,

going, "Drill where the wire is. Drill..."

LAUGHTER

Is it, "Horror as shadow of man's penis looks like a hand."

LAUGHTER

He's got an enormous hand.

A penis that looks like a shadow of a hand? How do you know that?

Well, I haven't seen as many as you, Dara, clearly!

LAUGHTER

I can just imagine the Sun headline is something like,

"Madman Corbyn vandalises perfectly good wall with drill."

Is it "Corbyn closing the door

"on his and Diane Abbott's 1970s sex den?"

LAUGHTER

I think he's probably just going, "Yeah, that's right, he's in there.

"Tony Blair will never escape now."

What we don't see is the bit where he starts the drill,

the drill stays still and he spins round and round.

Oh, Jeremy, and your mad adventures!

I like to think he's just sidled up there and gone,

"This wall just became a stud wall."

LAUGHTER

Maybe it's him creating his absolute lad cave at last.

Well, I hope he has better luck

than he had putting together a cabinet.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE Wow.

It's not just the Cabinet, though?

It's not just a cabinet, it's a Shadow Cabinet.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Whoa, whoa, what's going on here?

What Radio 4 show are we on?

LAUGHTER

Good job he's wearing that vest, isn't it?

Cos it is the first time he's been highly visible

since the election campaign.

LAUGHTER

Fuck you.

Also, good job he's wearing that hard hat.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-That there, is Jeremy Corbyn.

-Thank you very much, Hugh Dennis.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ELLIE:

-Wow, he's so clever!

Yes, this is an almost entirely unrelated picture

of Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn who, this week,

lost a vote against the second reading

of the government's EU Withdrawal Bill,

also known as the Great Repeal Bill.

The Bill will transfer EU law

directly into UK law, once the country leaves the EU.

It was passed by Parliament this week by 326 votes to 290.

Why did Labour try to block the bill?

-Because they didn't agree with it.

-There we go.

That's how Parliament works, baby. LAUGHTER

Because they were afraid they'd consider it a power grab?

Yeah, it was.

The Conservatives have what they call Henry VIII powers,

where they can actually kill their own wives if they annoy them.

And they were just worried about how much of a power grab it is.

In fact, what's his name, Tom Brake,

who's the Brexit spokesman for the Lib Dems,

came up with a great line when it went through.

He said, "It's a dark day for the mother of parliaments."

Which just sounds like something you want to say covered in ravens

and a dark cloak, with smoke billowing around you.

"It's a dark day for the mother of parliaments."

-Squawk, squawk.

-LAUGHTER

-So, it's called the Withdrawal Bill.

-Yeah.

Because, from what I remember of reading Just Seventeen,

-you should never rely just on withdrawal.

-No.

There's a danger there will be some EU baby.

I knew a guy at college whose nickname was Withdrawal Bill.

LAUGHTER

-And how many children does he have?

-Quite a few, yeah.

He wasn't as popular as Repeal Bill.

Yes, cos we'll have all the EU's laws, which the EU will notice.

They're surely going to notice that we've just nicked all their laws.

Basically, we get rid of them over time,

get rid of the ones we don't want so, essentially,

it's going to be like a bloke in a high street going through a bin.

How bleak an image of that actually is.

A homeless man digging through a bin to find the laws we want to keep.

-That's Britain in the next... effectively.

-That's how it works.

I've worked out another way to explain it to you, Dara,

-if you don't understand.

-Thank you very much.

So, we get to keep all the laws that we want

and then get rid of the ones that we don't like,

so it's sort of like, if I married a bloke and he had loads of kids

and then, once I'm married, I can make the shit kids

go and live with their real mum. It's that sort of thing.

LAUGHTER That is also a bleak metaphor.

I'm really hoping one of you has a metaphor involving a cake shop.

I can't believe Henry VIII's back.

Probably the largest surprise here.

I was surprised enough when Blair got back into politics,

but the fact that Henry VIII's making a comeback,

that should be the headline.

I don't know why no-one's making a fuss about it.

It's all part of this Henry VIII clause.

The Henry VIII clause sounds like a man

who comes down your chimney to behead your wife.

LAUGHTER

Wasn't Michael Fallon as well saying to Tony Blair, "Get over it",

which sort of sounded like they were arguing

outside a Wetherspoon's or something. "Just get over it!

"Theresa's going to leave you

"and stop spreading nonsense about her online.

"She's going, get over it!"

I imagine that's how people talk outside Wetherspoon's.

LAUGHTER

I've not been.

I also think that, is it all a big ploy,

because they're just sort of boring? It's so boring.

-Let's face it, it's boring.

-Yeah, it is.

-Not this, this isn't boring.

-This is lovely.

-LAUGHTER

I'll tell you what's not boring. Henry VIII is back!

LAUGHTER

Nobody cares. We could be eating wild boar 24/7.

I accept it is dull,

because it is EU law and there's no way of that not been boring.

And it is important because... to legislate by proclamation...

That's the idea. If they get these in,

they can just strike them off again.

OK, legislate by approximation is like the way I parent,

which is, "OK, nobody gets ice cream. Nobody is getting ice cream."

"But I didn't do anything." "OK, YOU get ice cream."

"Wait, that's not fair." "OK, everybody gets ice cream."

"What?" "OK, nobody gets ice cream."

LAUGHTER

That's how it works, basically.

-Which of us are getting ice cream?

-OK, you're all getting ice cream.

-I want ice cream.

-OK.

-I want raspberry ripple.

-No...

-Sorbet?

Fine, we'll just nip back to the '70s and get you some.

LAUGHTER

We have Ben & Jerry's now!

Er, Henry VIII's back, Ed!

LAUGHTER

So, how quickly are the negotiations taking? Are they going well?

-Oh, they're going tremendously well.

-Yes.

We've made enormous...progress.

Apparently, Lord Adonis was calling for David Davis to be sacked

and then people were calling for Lord Adonis to be sacked.

I'd quite like it if Lord Adonis was sacked,

because that's also my Grindr name.

LAUGHTER

A lot of confusion, actually.

And is being sacked something you offer people?

LAUGHTER

Sometimes.

-They need to put the power back in the hands of the people.

-Yeah.

I don't want no EU telling me what do.

I don't want the government telling me what to do.

It should be us, the people.

I say, each day, a different one of us

-takes it in turns to be in charge.

-LAUGHTER

Each day, we can do whatever we want, and that's true democracy.

Take it in turns to be a dictator.

LAUGHTER

-What happens on your day?

-What happens on my day? Two words.

Raspberry ripple.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Moving on, however... LAUGHTER

What can artificial intelligence tell about you

by scanning your face?

-Is it that you can tell if someone's gay or not?

-Yes.

-Is that the reason why I've been invited on this week?

-No!

I mean, it's not that difficult to tell someone.

I can do it, if they're wearing corduroys.

-LAUGHTER

-I also feel... No offence!

But I do feel, I do feel like

it's a bit like something people at school would have invented.

I remember when I was at school, people would say,

"If you're gay, say 'What'." And people go, "What?"

You go, "You're gay then!" It's just an upgrade of that, basically.

This is like a complex face-analysing algorithm,

created by researchers at Stanford University, used to predict

a person's sexuality, and you say it is merely an upgrade on...

-If you're gay, say "What."

-LAUGHTER

I don't see the use of it. Are you going to show Great-aunt Ethel,

and she's like, "I've been married for 45 years

"and I've got six kids, but I put my photo into the app

"and, apparently, I'm mad for the puss."

LAUGHTER

That would be quite the Christmas, wouldn't it?

It's going to make passport control at Qatar airport

-more nerve-racking, isn't it?

-LAUGHTER

It's a waste of time. I can already tell

if someone's gay by just looking at a picture of their spouse.

-LAUGHTER

-So, they measure you, don't they?

And the only way they could test the validity of it is by asking

those people who they've measured whether they were gay.

So, why not just ask them?

LAUGHTER

One of the metrics, apparently, as well, that is supposed to show

-that a man is gay is that he's got a larger forehead.

-Yes.

-Look at mine.

-Tom and Dara have exactly the same size forehead.

-Oh, my God, Dara, that means you're gay.

-Oh, wow! Yeah.

That's it, I've always wondered.

Yeah, put a jumper around your neck, let's go and play volleyball.

-When I was at school, we had gay cards.

-Yes.

And according to my classmates, I was dropping mine constantly.

It's a bit like having an earring in the other ear,

which no-one knew which one it was. One side was the gay ear.

I was so confused I just had clip-ons in both.

LAUGHTER

Cos it was supposed to be one ear was gay and one ear was pirates.

It was so ridiculous.

Those were the two things and often, they are confused...

in certain clubs.

LAUGHTER

Our gay scanner at school was called Warren

and if you handed in your homework, you were gay,

if you did anything extracurricular, you were gay,

if you whipped your naked classmates with a towel,

you were just part of the rugby team.

LAUGHTER

Why not give this technology, though, to the gay community?

-Would that be more useful?

-They have already. It's called Grindr.

LAUGHTER

But at the entrance to a gay bar or whatever, there could be gay bars

where you can just go "beep" and go, "No, you're straight."

Cos, presumably, it would be equally accurate at pointing out

a straight and you go, "Stop coming in here and wasting our time."

I'm just saying, that when I go in there, cos I like to dance,

-who wants to dance? I love to dance.

-You love to dance, darling.

-You love to dance. You've got the forehead for it.

-Enough said!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

At the end of that round, the points go to Tom, Hugh and James.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now we play a round called

Here Comes The Mockstepper. Turn it up.

This game involves Tom and Rhys,

so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.

This round is a stand-up challenge.

I launch the Wheel Of News and wherever it chooses to stop,

one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.

OK, here we go. Let's spin the wheel.

OK, the subject is ageing. Who wants to come in on that? Rhys.

Big year for me this year. I turn 26. 26!

Yeah, that means I'm now officially closer to 30

than I am to my stepdad.

LAUGHTER

I'm joking, I don't have a stepdad, my parents are still together.

My childhood was flawless, OK.

I know I'm getting older, cos I'm at the age now,

my parents no longer give me presents for Christmas,

they just give me money.

But I can't give them money, because that's weird.

And also, it would be less money.

LAUGHTER

She usually gets me money, my mum.

She gets me cash, but also she wants to get me

something to unwrap on Christmas Day,

so that while I'm unwrapping it, she can explain

that she's kept the receipt and if I don't like it, I can take it back.

You know, mums - white, white mums.

Every year, "I've got the receipt, if you don't like it,

"you can take it back." I'm like, "Thanks, Mum."

-"You have bought me an errand."

-LAUGHTER

What's for Christmas this year?

Oh, a trip to Topman, same as last year, thank you.

So, I've got to buy them presents, but they're hard to buy for,

because they're just generic white parents, you know,

so I've got the same thing every year.

I've got my dad a John Grisham book.

Every year I'm like, "Hey, Dad, this one's about a lawyer."

Got to get my mum bath stuff.

That's what she wants every year, bath stuff.

"Just get me bath stuff, Rhys."

Got her a toaster. She didn't see the funny side.

LAUGHTER

-Thank you.

-APPLAUSE

Good man. Thank you very much, Rhys James.

That leaves us with Tom. Let's see what your topic is.

Let's spin the wheel.

-The topic is school.

-Oh, OK.

I'm very good at that running.

So, I think education has changed quite a lot since I was at school.

Now I know teachers have TAs in the classroom,

but this was long before the Territorial Army got involved.

LAUGHTER

Back when I was at school, you basically had one teacher

and 35 or 50...

million children in one class.

You were basically watching one person have a nervous breakdown

before your very eyes.

I remember my teacher, she'd be, like,

"Right, we're going to do maths now. Tens, hundreds, thousands.

"Put those bricks away. Come and sit on the mat now.

"Don't piss yourself again. Reading now. Read a bit, read a bit.

"Can you read? Doesn't matter, we don't have time.

"Now, we're going to do geography. Do you know where this is?

"Doesn't matter. We don't own it any more. Now, art.

"Everyone, draw this thing. Hold up your drawings.

"Gold star for you, smiley face for you, house point for you.

"What does it mean? No-one knows!

"Now we're going to learn about nature and the water cycle.

"Water comes up here, along here, falls down in your face.

"Now we're going to make a display about that out of foil.

"OK, now we're going to learn a bit more about nature.

"Everyone, go out to the playground, so I can have a drink.

"Go out to the playground and get a leaf. Bring the leaves in.

"Don't bring the mud in, you stupid prick. Bring the leaves in.

"Hold up your leaves, draw your leaves,

"now trace your leaves, trace, trace, trace everything you can.

"Trace - you've got to be able to trace.

"You'll never be able to get a job unless you can trace.

"Trace all day! It's the most important skill in the world.

"And colour in within the lines.

"No-one will love you unless you can colour in within the lines.

-"Maybe that's why he left me!"

-LAUGHTER

"Do a bark rubbing, if you want, Lindsay, you show-off little bitch.

"All right, take your leaves and put them on the wall.

"Do them in the shape of a tree. Do it nicely, because it's for Open Day,

"which you don't understand, but my job depends on it.

"OK, now you're going to mummify a teddy bear.

"You're going to wrap your teddy bear in toilet paper,

"which also doubles as tracing paper.

"You're going to wrap your teddy bear in toilet paper.

"It teaches you nothing at all, but it keeps you quiet

"while I can do poppers.

"OK, now design a sarcophagus for your teddy bear,

"a coffin for your teddy bear, so we can all think about being dead.

"One day, we're all going to be dead, cold and dead in the ground,

"which I wish I was. I wish I was dead, you bunch of...

"Oh, my goodness, children, it's time to go out and play.

"Play, play, play, play, play."

APPLAUSE

Points go to, well, Tom Allen. Both of you, come back, thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Our next round is called

If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

On the board are six categories.

-Tom, which category would you like?

-Health, please.

Health is the category and the answer is zero.

What is the question?

Is it how much the Leave campaign have guaranteed

for the NHS since we voted for Brexit?

LAUGHTER

Is it what is the current temperature

in Wayne Rooney's marital bedroom?

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

Is it how many fucks Mary Berry gives about the new Bake Off?

LAUGHTER

Complete the title of Katie Hopkins' biography -

From Zero To...?

LAUGHTER

Is it how many people were on board when I suggested people stop saying

they've found a lump on their testicle

and start saying "unexpected item in the bagging area"?

LAUGHTER

How many times did the Borrowers actually return the stuff

they supposedly borrowed?

LAUGHTER

Is it, if wee is one and poo is two,

what number indicates you're constipated?

LAUGHTER

How many of Jay-Z's problems are bitch related?

LAUGHTER

How old was I the last time I touched a vagina?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Painful, that.

-Yeah.

-It's a painful applause.

-It is.

Is it, despite my best efforts, how many people have told me

I'm the wind beneath their wings?

LAUGHTER

Is it the amount of matches that girl on Tinder got

that threw her shit out of the window?

LAUGHTER

Is it how many people have wished me happy birthday today?

-AUDIENCE: Ah!

-It's not my birthday, it's fair enough.

LAUGHTER

How much will Arsenal get for Alexis Sanchez next summer?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, I didn't have the correct answer

of what zero was in the news this week.

It's by how much has the average life expectancy of women

gone up in the UK in the last few years?

You're absolutely right. Thank you very much, Hugh.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, the question I was looking for was,

what increase in life expectancy did British women see in recent years?

Amongst British men, life expectancy increased by 0.08%.

-Whoa! Take that, ladies!

-Suck it.

Analysis reveals that, while life expectancy

in the rest of Europe continues to surge,

Britain's progress between 2011 and 2015 stalled.

What is the life expectancy in this country, do you know?

Er, it is 8... No, I don't know.

LAUGHTER

79, is it for...? 83, isn't it?

For women, yeah. But for men, it's 79.

Whereas in other countries, in Ireland, for example,

-it's 80 for men.

-Wow, what a difference!

Well, I'm sorry, you won't be saying that when I move there at 79.

LAUGHTER

-Another year - ha-ha-ha!

-Well, if you move there at 79,

-I will have been dead for quite a long time.

-You should go now.

-Hugh, you should go now.

-I'll attend your funeral, Hugh.

I'll give a speech.

I'll say, "Hugh always told me I was the wind beneath his wings."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is all a concern of one bloke, though.

This story's in the news because of one bloke, isn't it?

He said that this is as big a crisis as any other in the NHS.

You go, "You just want to cheer up, mate." Don't you think?

Because worrying like that is not good for your health.

If you look at Kim Jong-un, right, he lives a little,

he eats a lot, because he knows the world could end tomorrow.

LAUGHTER

My husband is nine years older than me.

I would quite like the male average life expectancy to come down

because that means the sooner I get the house and the pension, so...

We're very much in love, thank you.

In other news, what have doctors in the UK warned about?

Henry VIII's back.

LAUGHTER

Is it where people check their symptoms on the internet

-and get...

-Yes, it's cyberchondria.

I'd never heard of cyberchondria and then I looked it up

and realised it's the only illness I don't have.

I've been a massive hypochondriac, big time.

My doctor hated me, this guy. One time, I remember him looking at me.

I was standing there and he went, "That is your hip."

LAUGHTER

Were you going, "It's sticking out"?

Yeah, that's exactly what I was doing.

-Really?

-You said that as a joke just then.

I was literally going, "Why is this sticking out?"

And he was like, through gritted teeth, "That is your hip."

"You notice you've got one on the other side."

Argh, argh, argh! LAUGHTER

And I got cured by him, eventually.

I was seeing another doctor and it was a lady doctor

and I'd got convinced...

But if you're a hypochondriac for long enough,

eventually you are convinced that that something is...

you haven't got a normal D.

So, I was like, "You've got to look at it.

"I swear, it's the worst."

She said - and I've checked with other doctors about this,

and, apparently, they've said this is not standard protocol -

she said, "I can't look at that on my own.

"I've got to get someone else in."

So, she got - and this is definitely not on - the receptionist.

LAUGHTER

She came in, I showed it to both of them.

The receptionist had no comment to make whatsoever.

The doctor said, "That's fine."

Cos I was like, "I don't want to ever come back here again,"

I was, like, "Are you sure?" She went, "I'll get another doctor in."

So, a third person came in and it was the guy who I'd shown my hip to.

He came in and he took one look at me

and was like, "Oh, of course it's you!

"Only you would have three people in here looking at your dick."

LAUGHTER

And he grabbed it and very dismissively went, "That's fine!"

And I was, like, "I'm never going to the doctor's ever again."

And that's how I got cured of it, eventually,

is cos I just felt so humiliated.

Also, it's very difficult to go to the doctor's again

when the receptionist has seen your penis.

The problem I've got, I'm not a hypochondriac, I'm just ill, always.

I've got the immune system it looks like I've got.

-The other day...

-ELLIE LAUGHS

You do look sort of like the ghost of a Victorian child.

LAUGHTER

It's all adding up. A Tudor perhaps?

The other day, I had to take a heartburn tablet

because I'd got heartburn from taking a hay fever tablet.

LAUGHTER

Moving on, why was this lady back in the news?

Because we put the picture through some software

and it turns out she's gay.

LAUGHTER

That would be an enormously surprising result

if that case turned out.

It turns out that the photographer who owns the camera,

who set up the camera, put all the settings into the camera,

is the owner of photograph and not the animal that pressed the button.

Basically, a monkey took a selfie,

which could be the tag line for Instagram.

LAUGHTER

What is astonishing,

is that this legal battle with a man versus a monkey has taken two years

and we think we can sort out Brexit in less time than that.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, but it only took two years cos his lawyer was a sloth.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And at the end of round, points go to Ed, Ellie and Rhys.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, we come to Scenes We'd Like To See,

so can everyone make their way over to the performance area, please?

I'll read out this week's topics

and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

OK, here we go. The first subject is...

unlikely lines from a sci-fi film.

Oh, my God! He's come back through the portal!

Who? Henry VIII.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

This is a problem, sir.

I launched a four-tonne torpedo

but it wouldn't flush.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

I felt a terrible disturbance in the force, like a million voices...

Oh, no, it's just wind. Sorry.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

We've shot down one of the flying saucers

and now there's rice paper and sherbert everywhere.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

I can't fly this thing without a manual.

Forget about Emmanuel - he's not coming back!

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

You've eaten Han Solo?

Oh, Chewie, that was a Wookiee mistake.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

BUZZER

Lord Vader, the results are in for the naming of the new Death Star.

The public wish to call it Deathy McDeathface.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

BUZZER

I see you've attempted to create a new lightsaber,

which is disappointing, because you're 40, Gary,

and meant to be looking after our son!

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

It's Alien versus Predator

at Subbuteo.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

So, Obi-Wan.

Sorry, what did he win?

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

APPLAUSE

Number one, you have the bridge.

I'm off for a number two.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

I've been asleep for a thousand years,

cryogenically frozen in time, and now I wake up and see...

Oh, someone's drawn a cock and balls on my face, haven't they?

BUZZER

LAUGHTER

Mrs Skywalker, I'm afraid the baby's stuck in the birth canal.

-SHE PANTS

-Use the forceps!

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Yoda, Chewie, Darth Vader.

Shag, marry, kill, that order.

LAUGHTER

My name is Optimus Prime and today I'm going to save the world,

so you'll be doing me a massive favour

if you can move this MOT to tomorrow.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

This ship will self-destruct in T minus 5.

OK, sure, but how long actually is that?

Because no-one's told me what T actually is.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

I think these super-intelligent beings want us

to learn their language.

If you wanna come 'ere, you have to speak English, mate!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

BUZZER OK, the next topic is...

Things you wouldn't hear on a political discussion show.

Contenders, ready.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

We'll take a question from the back.

Yes, the man in the blue tie,

with the haunted look of a nonce on the run.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

On tonight's programme, we'll be discussing the NHS,

fracking and affordable housing.

Only joking, it's fucking Brexit again.

BUZZER

LAUGHTER

Most people don't realise the bell is called Big Ben and not the clock.

The clock is called Tickety Ted The Time-Telling Bitch.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

On Newsnight tonight, drugs, binge drinking and prostitution.

We have the best aftershow party on television.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Hi, I'm Tess Daly.

And I'm Tom Daley.

Welcome to the Daily Politics.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Hello and welcome to Question Time.

Is it real or is it just a fabricated construct?

Join us as we question time.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

APPLAUSE

And here with us, Theresa May.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

APPLAUSE

We keep trying ways to stop Isis and we keep failing, so I ask you this.

Has anyone tried a petition?

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

# Vince Cable sitting on the table!

# Vince Cable sitting on a table!

# Vince Cable sitting on a table

# We've run out of chairs. #

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

APPLAUSE

What would the average Victorian-era butler have thought of this news?

Well, joining us now is Jacob Rees Mogg.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Ukip is not a single issue party.

We're not only worried about immigration.

We're worried about foreigners and people from abroad.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

APPLAUSE

Robert Peston on Sunday -

the first lyric rejected by Craig David.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

APPLAUSE

We should stop arguing. Surely we can all agree

whoever smelt it, dealt it.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Yes, my question is for Mr Davis.

Er, I get wetter as I dry. What am I?

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

And tonight, we'll be trying something new

so, gentlemen, if you could just all flop them out,

we can finally see whose is biggest.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Yes, we had a question from a man wearing glasses

and a red and white striped jumper.

Does anyone know where he's sitting?

BUZZER

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

No, I, I, I absolutely do believe in free speech

and I would love to say this.

Fuck off!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

BUZZER

Points at the end of that round go to Ed, Ellie and Rhys.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And that's the end of the show.

This week's winners are James Acaster, Hugh Dennis and Tom Allen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Commiserations to Rhys James, Ellie Taylor and Ed Byrne.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.

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