Episode 9 Mock the Week

# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

# Read all about it! Read all about it!

# News of the world! News of the world!

# Read all about it! Read all about it!

# News of the world! News of the world! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.

Joining me this week are Ivo Graham, Zoe Lyons and Ed Byrne,

Gary Delaney, Hugh Dennis and James Acaster.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This programme contains some strong language

We start with a round called Picture Of The Week.

I show the panel a topical image

and ask them to tell me what is happening.

So, what's going on here?

Chewbacca finally joining the dark side!

Chewbacca meeting Luke Shite-talker!

Is the soldier saying, "No, I'm afraid there's been a mistake,

"I'm not President Bush, I'm presently a bush"?

APPLAUSE

He's probably saying, "At last, Theresa,

"you have finally decided to be yourself!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Is that a soldier thanking Boris for the hairdresser recommendation?

Is he saying, "You're exactly what I don't want for Brexit,

"I want no strings attached"?

GROANING AND LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

That is what we call satire!

We should do more of that.

And Hugh started his own applause break, you might want to take note.

That was a man dressed as a plant

talking to a man who acts like a vegetable!

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

OK.

Stop this now, all of you.

You earn them, or nothing, that's it, right?

How did it feel then when you said that bit

and there wasn't an applause at the end? It must have felt awful.

It felt real!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Is this what Boris found

when he used a coat hanger to unclog his shower?

GROANING

That's very, yeah... It's hair, people, it's reality, you know?

-How would you know, Dara?

-It's not just hair.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Zoe Lyons, I do the Dara is bald jokes around here!

Could somebody, please...? Yes, Hugh, just tell me,

so we can move on with our lives.

Boris is in the news because he did an article for The Telegraph

in which he outlined his vision for Brexit

and he's annoyed the rest of the Cabinet and everyone else...

Absolutely right, thank you very much, Hugh Dennis!

APPLAUSE

Yes, this is a picture of Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson

visiting British troops in Estonia.

This week, he wrote an article for The Daily Telegraph in which

he laid out his vision for a hard Brexit

and repeated the disputed claim that £350 million a week

could be made available for the NHS.

The article was seen by many

as a challenge to Theresa May's authority.

At the time of recording, Johnson is still Foreign Secretary.

LAUGHTER

Why was Johnson's article controversial?

Because it goes against what Theresa May is trying to put out

on her stall, her Brexit stall.

She wants the possibility of a slightly soft Brexit,

a sort of transitionary period where we won't quite be out

and we're not quite in - a bit like Catholic sex.

LAUGHTER

You're allowed to be in, but then you've got to come out.

You can be in when you're in,

but you've got to be out when you're out.

I'm glad he wrote it. I'm glad he wrote that article because,

for too long now, we've all been wondering,

"What does Boris Johnson think about Brexit?"

LAUGHTER

He's such an elusive figure.

You Google it and it comes up dry every time!

There's too much internal discussion about Brexit,

we're just hearing too much about it.

Frankly, fire the team who are doing it

and just get, like, teenage boys to negotiate it.

And, at the end of every meeting, they should go, "Uh, I don't know."

LAUGHTER

It would just calm down the natural discussion hugely.

"What steps are we taking?" "Oh, I can't remember! Stop hassling me!"

And then, when you go through their briefcases and go,

"This is how old? This is a trade document!

"How long has this been sitting in your bag?"

"Ugh! I don't know!

"There's loads of them. Just sign it. Uhhh."

APPLAUSE

He had a big row this week

with the boss of the Statistics Authority

-over the 350 million claim.

-He did, he did.

And a lot of it comes from confusion over the numbers

as to whether it's gross or net.

The thing we need to understand is that Boris is gross.

LAUGHTER

Boris brought up the £350 million.

A bell should go off when people say 350 million now.

It's just a gangsta move, man, I respect him for it.

Fair play.

Lie, get exposed for it, and say the same lie to the same people

without batting an eyelid. What an absolute gangsta!

APPLAUSE

Brilliant.

Even now, when he was pulled up about it, he said,

"No, I did say that. I didn't say we'd get it back.

"I said we'd regain control of it."

Like there's £350 million, like, it's the end of the Crystal Maze

and it's flying around you.

"We just need the £350 million, just calm down so we can count it."

That is a Brexit I would vote for. That would be amazing.

If, every week, they all had to get in and grab it all out of the air.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Well... Yes?

-I tell you what...

The first thing to go would be the Aztec Zone.

LAUGHTER

Sling your hook, you foreign scum!

LAUGHTER

I am sort of hoping he does become leader of the Tory party, though,

because I've got a two-part bet on, which is that,

the first part is that Boris, Kim Jong-un and Donald Trump

will all be in charge of their respective countries.

And the second part is that, within 15 minutes of Boris becoming leader,

the world ends...

LAUGHTER

..as soon as he gets his finger on that nuclear trigger.

The last thing on Earth, Hugh Dennis walking into a Ladbrokes

with a smile on his face, as the world blows up around him.

Boris has said one important thing, which is that you can say the number,

like the ridiculous 350 million,

as long as you whisper the words "up to" just beforehand.

So, essentially, the Foreign Secretary is a broadband ad.

"Yes, you could have speeds of up to, er, 15 meg, per hypersecond..."

It needs that little thing at the end of Visa adverts, where they go,

"Terms and conditions apply, you may lose your house, this is bullshit."

That's what he's doing when he goes, "Bleurgh!" It's all the words.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

How did the Liberal Democrat leader Vince Cable describe Johnson?

Oh, he called him a Poundland Donald Trump.

Yes, which is bad. We don't want to offend the people of Poundland -

the only people with whom the country

has a trade deal at the moment.

LAUGHTER

He said he was a Poundland Donald Trump, in other words,

he was an ego-driven fantasist.

And then, in the same sentence, he said that he, Vince Cable,

could be the next Prime Minister.

-Yes, he did.

-Yeah.

That's bonkers.

-This world is topsy-turvy.

-It is.

-Who knows, who knows?

More people have turned up at the Bournemouth Lib Dem conference

than they were expecting. They had to put two more chairs out!

LAUGHTER

I think he'd be a great Prime Minister.

I think Vince Cable would take us all the way up to the top.

It might be shaky sometimes and may be dangerous,

but once we reach the summit, we'll ski...

Oh, I'm thinking of cable cars.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Moving on.

How did Donald Trump react to North Korea's latest missile test?

Well, he called Kim Jong-un "Rocket Man".

-Yes.

-Those nicknames are really annoying, aren't they?

Don't you think, Science Guy?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE Thank you.

Quite happy with that one.

And I'd also imagine that Kim Jong-un

is quite happy with "Rocket Man".

I mean, it's not like "Crooked Hillary",

or "Little Marco" for Marco Rubio.

Like, normally, he picks something insulting,

but Rocket Man's kind of cool.

Elton John must be peeved, though, mustn't he?

He must think, "There's money coming in from North Korea now!"

When he finally just lays waste to North Korea

and it's just a smoking hole,

Kim Jong-un will just come out and go,

"I'm still standing!"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Bravo, bravo, boom.

-They've got a missile called a Nodong.

-Nodong!

-Nodong.

Which is very much a motto for my life!

APPLAUSE

I think it's great he keeps testing nuclear weapons.

I don't know why everyone's complaining.

The more he tests, the less he's got.

LAUGHTER

Test them all.

-This, by the way...

-Ah, photo of the year.

..is definitely photo of the year, this is, if not of all time.

This, I just adore this.

This is just a random 11-year-old who wrote in, saying,

"I'd love to mow the White House lawn."

And, as part of it, got Trump just shouting at him.

-"Tighten up those borders!"

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

"And when you've done that, I've got a wall that needs building too."

I'm not surprised he's cross, though,

the kid has mowed off his feet.

"Barron, why are you mowing the lawn?

"We have people to do that.

"Honey, why is Barron...?" "That's not our son!

"He's gone to school in Maryland right now."

"Why is he mowing the lawn?!"

He's probably going,

"You are my last option. Do you want be be White House press secretary?"

APPLAUSE

Have you seen the finished job that the kid did?

-Oh, well, I'm not impressed with the job so far.

-No, it makes sense.

If you see it as an aerial shot, he mowed in, "I voted for Hillary."

At the end of that round, the points go to James, Hugh and Gary.

APPLAUSE

Now we play a round called I Like A Buttery Brexit Base.

This game involves Gary and Ivo,

so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.

This round is a stand-up challenge.

I launch the Wheel of News and, wherever it chooses to stop,

one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.

OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.

The first subject is class.

Can somebody talk about that, please?

Ivo.

Hello, my name's Ivo. I'm a posh man

and that's because I studied at an all-boys boarding school.

Not just any all-boys boarding school - I studied for five years

at the least popular all-boys boarding school

of them all, I studied for five years at Eton College.

I like to mention that early doors cos then

if you think that I've come across up till this point

as an entitled prick, you have your reasons.

If, on the other hand, you think

I've come across as a very charming and humble young man, well,

it just goes to show what a master of disguise I truly am.

It's not a popular school.

When I started doing comedy, I was nervous about dropping the E-bomb

on stage and a friend said, you should mention it,

maybe at the end of gigs if the gig has gone well.

Maybe with a sort of triumphalist tone.

"Tough luck, fools -

"this show was brought to you by the establishment. Goodnight."

And then I'd saunter off.

APPLAUSE

I'm I denial about my past.

I'm a classic example, politically, of a champagne socialist -

someone who believes in all the left-wing things like social justice

and equality, but, fundamentally, I'm aware I come from a background

of privilege, which means I don't really have to walk the walk.

Classic champagne socialist.

Even though, ironically, I don't actually like champagne...

and I do agree with quite a lot of Conservative policy,

so it's a tricky balance.

In my everyday life, I don't know who I am,

I don't know who to vote for.

I voted Labour in every UK general election so far, but mainly

cos I've always lived in quite safe Labour seats,

so it doesn't really...affect anything.

That's the beauty of being a champagne socialist

in a safe Labour seat - you can pop along, vote Labour

with all your cool left-wing friends, but know that, overall,

things will probably be fine.

Put me in a swing seat, next time,

then we'll see how much of Daddy's money I really want.

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much, Ivo.

OK, that leaves us with Gary. Let's see what your topic is.

Let's spin the wheel.

The topic is animals.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww.

LAUGHTER

I don't like to eat anything labelled "reformed ham",

as I think it's unfair that the pigs are slaughtered

after they've got their lives back on track.

Last night I had to get towed home

cos Ratty and Moley were too pissed.

Whenever I see ginger people going grey,

I'm always reminded of the sad plight of our native squirrels.

I went round Grandad's to walk his dog.

As I was leaving the house, he said "Don't forget poo bags."

I was, like, "All right. Gran!"

My girlfriend's a cat person.

She's got fishy breath, shits in a tray

and disappears for days at a time.

I tried swimming with dolphins once,

but I didn't like it as I found them very clicky.

Dolphins who die without any money are given a porpoise funeral.

So, the other day, I was chewing on some monkey nuts

and now I'm banned from the zoo.

"Doctor, Doctor, I'm addicted to screwing dogs."

"Have you tried patches?"

"What's he? A poodle?"

I went to the zoo to watch the monkeys wanking

and then I went to watch the crocodiles and I was still wanking.

Thank you very much, Gary Delaney.

Thank you. Points for everyone. Come back.

Our next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

On the board are six categories.

Ivo, which category would you like?

I would like environment, please, Dara.

OK, your category is environment. The answer is...

What is the question?

What was the original title of Sun, Sex And Suspicious Parents?

Is it what does Jacob Rees-Mogg refuse to touch?

Is it name three things you can buy battered in Scotland?

Is it one of the secret service code names

for Donald, Eric and Melania Trump?

Is this the most we can hope to walk away with from Brexit negotiations?

APPLAUSE

What's the strapline for the movie Elvis - The Final Years?

Is it in rat Sainsbury's,

what three items constitute the meal deal?

Is it three things you should never put in a NutriBullet?

What are the last three things I put my penis in?

GROANING AND LAUGHTER

Is it what are the three worst nicknames I had at school?

AUDIENCE: Aww.

Genuine sympathy, that was the reaction I was going for, then.

But they're his nicknames NOW.

APPLAUSE

I think that's actually our team, left to right.

I'm happy to be that one.

What are the three things in Axl Rose's hurricane preparedness kit?

This is the fatberg that's been found in the sewer in London,

which is a massive monster, apparently.

APPLAUSE

Yes, absolutely. Thank you very much, Zoe.

Yes, the question I was looking for was,

what are some of the items that make up the "monster fatberg"

which was found in London's sewage network last week?

This is the news that sewage workers in East London have

discovered a giant mass of congealed fat underground.

It's thought to be one of the biggest ever.

At 250 metres long, the fatberg is estimated to weigh 130 tonnes

and workers predict that it will take three weeks to clear.

GROANING

What does everyone make of the monster fatberg?

-We all want a go of it.

-We do!

We all want to have a go at helping break that up.

-They're shooting it with, like, massive...

-Jet wash.

-..jet washes.

-Yeah, they are, yeah.

-How satisfying would that be?

They should just get a load of tortilla chips.

I can't help thinking that clearing a massive 250-metre-long fatberg

is going to be one of the jobs we find it more difficult

to fill after Brexit.

I unblocked my own drain using my own pressure washer.

It was absolutely chock-full of mine,

my wife's and my children's shit.

-And probably yours, Dara.

-Possibly, possibly. Who knows?

Often I've driven out to your house especially.

Yeah, you might well have been the one that caused the blockage.

Well, who knows? It's difficult to fingerprint this stuff, isn't it?

But I know what's not difficult - getting rid of it.

-I got the pressure and...

-HE IMITATES WASHER

..and it was so satis...

It was more satisfying than the combined effort

of doing all those shits.

I did it, I got it wrong once when I was doing much the same thing.

I was unblocking a drain, but you properly did it from the...

So you weren't in the way of whatever...

-I got a bit pebbledashed, yeah.

-Did you?

I just unblocked a massive sort of block and then I just heard

-this sort of...

-HE POPS

..and then this tsunami of shite coming towards me.

It hadn't occurred to me, weirdly, that there would be

a tsunami of shite heading towards me.

Am I the only person here who gets a man in when that needs to be done?

Can I just say...I am a man?

I had an incident a few years back in Thailand.

We were in one of those holiday villages,

the little cottages, you know, and, erm...

Well, we had to move because of an incident.

We had to pack up and move and I had to go to the reception and go,

"We're going to need a different cottage."

"We're going to need a bigger toilet."

Did you go, "I have broken this cottage"?

-"I have broken..."

-"I want you to pick up this cottage.

"Never rent this cottage again to anyone.

"This is now a haunted cottage."

I broke Ko Samui.

"The entire island. Shut it down! Shut down the entire island!

"I have done a poo so big this entire holiday island

"is now over, it's finished with."

I had a horrible time in Thailand once. She said her name was No Dong.

APPLAUSE

That turned out to be quite the misnomer.

I'm so proud of the fatberg, man. I'm so proud of it.

My whole life, all I've dedicated my whole life

to try and make the world's biggest fatberg ever,

and every day I wake up,

I just get a big vat of oil and I just tip it down the shower drain

and I shout, "Grow, fatberg, grow."

Every morning, people come round, I'm, like,

"You got any nappies? We'll flush them down the toilet.

"You watch the news, I'll be big one day."

And now, finally, the fatberg has happened

and I've made my mark in history.

I don't think it's right to call it a fatberg if it's actually man-made.

I think it should be the Shite-anic.

Starring Leonardo DiCrapio.

APPLAUSE

-Who is trying to get a piece of this fatberg?

-The Museum of London...

-Yes.

-..want it and it's, like, they contacted Thames Water. Who had...?

Who drew the short straw and had to be the person to ask,

"Yeah, you know that mass of congealed fat

"that's full of shit and condoms?

"Can we have it?"

-JAMES:

-They won't get the fatberg.

They're going to find themselves in a bidding war with yours truly.

I'm going to buy that fatberg and guess what?

I'm going to flush it all down the toilet again.

APPLAUSE

They can use it at Madame Tussauds for the unpopular celebrities,

-the Piers Morgan room, something like that.

-Excellent idea!

For all we know, this is just Madame Tussauds quietly, like,

melting down the Jimmy Savile statue.

SHOCKED LAUGHTER

"We've got to get rid of all the 1970s section.

"Get rid of all the '70s section. Sorry, Rolf."

Tipping them all down the sink. "Quick, quick!"

-Moving on...

-Moving on? Why would you want to move on from this?

Do you know what? I could talk about the fatberg for the rest of the day,

-but I feel other stories...

-You just feel, you don't

like it cos Fatberg was your nickname at school.

APPLAUSE

-It truly wasn't.

-I know.

-It was Baldy.

-It wasn't Baldy!

-Bald even then.

-I wasn't even bald.

I did not look like a 45-year-old man at school.

He did. I didn't know him, but he did.

-JAMES:

-He didn't look like a 45-year-old man.

He looked like an fatberg.

It's all coming back now! Argh! I'm regressing!

It wasn't either of those, anyway, was it? It was Megabus.

Who are unaware...

APPLAUSE

Moving on, who annoyed British holiday-makers over the weekend?

Foreigners.

Probably! Just milling around these foreign places.

"Oh, no, they're here as well!"

"We have enough of your lot at home. I came here to get away from you!"

Blergh!

-It was Ryanair, Dara.

-It was Ryanair. Why was it Ryanair?

-What did they do?

-Well, they cancelled lots of flights.

-They did.

So, you know, it's not all bad news.

You might lose your holiday that you've waited all year for,

but, on the other hand, you never have to go to Luton.

They cancelled 80 flights on Sunday

and they're averaging more than 50 flights they're cancelling

a day at the moment because pilots have gone on holidays, which is

kind of also sort of sweet that the pilots all go on holidays together.

They all go and they're all going, "Whey! Where will we go?

"Oh, no, let's get the train."

It's just business as usual, really.

On the flight over, they sell you a lottery ticket

and, if you win, they fly you back.

If they messed up when the pilots have their holiday,

why not just find out where the pilot wants to go on holiday

and they can fly that plane to that place?

APPLAUSE

At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Zoe and Ivo.

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See,

so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area,

I'll read out this week's topics

and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

OK, here we go. The first subject is...

The following programme contains swearing right from the fucking start.

APPLAUSE

Up next, The Walking Dead.

Oops, sorry - Songs Of Praise.

It's time for some continuity!

Now on Channel 5, we explore the bizarre underworld

of bondage ballroom dancing.

It's Come Strictly.

And now it's my favourite - The Crystal Meth. Maze!

Coming up next on Channel 4...

Oh, my God, those buildings are in the shape of a four!

This is amazing!

And now our Friday night horror film, Bruce Willis

stars as a ghost who doesn't realise he's dead in The Sixth...

Oh, I've ruined it, haven't I?

Up next on Naked Attraction,

a man who's going to spend the next three years

telling his friends it was a lot colder than it looked in the studio.

If you're sat at home this afternoon and you're not in your 80s,

well, this programme is just like you - it's Pointless.

Well, we all love Chanel No 5.

This is nothing like it. It's Channel 5.

APPLAUSE

And now our Saturday night thriller,

Kevin Spacey stars as the shady gangster Keyser Soze in...

I've done it again, haven't I?

From the makers of Love Island, Cul-De-Sac Orgy.

APPLAUSE

Coming up next on ITV, will Dara cop off with Ed in Love Ireland?

APPLAUSE

Next up, The 40-Year-Old Virgin.

Oh, sorry, Robot Wars.

APPLAUSE

The following programme contains material that some viewers

may find distressing.

Unless you're my ex-wife, Karen, of course.

Nothing's going to melt that cold bitch's heart.

We've just bought Bake Off cos anyone can.

We're a porn channel!

We bought Bake Off! Just for a joke!

We just did it as a joke, but we've got it now!

We've got the new series of Bake Off! We're going to show it!

Like, just, banging, banging, banging, Bake Off, banging again.

It's a joke!

This is Dave Deja Vu,

where we repeat the repeats we repeated earlier.

Now, ladies, you know what time it is.

Time to pour yourself a glass of wine, light some candles,

cos next up it's Dara O Briain's Go 8 Bit.

APPLAUSE

That...that is unlikely, Ed. Correct.

OK, the next topic is...

Well, they said it would never happen, but after a hunt over

12 years, spanning 62 countries,

the police have finally found Wally.

Irma has been blowing all over the city for two days now,

but enough about your mum - here's the weather.

In the studio with us today,

Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-un and Donald Trump

in what can only be described as a Newsround exclusive.

We're yet to hear President Trump's view on the matter.

Well, I have spoken to a lot of people here at the SNP conference

and they have all said the same thing -

"Piss off back to London, you English bastard."

And I'm at Buckingham Palace,

where excitement is growing amid rumours that Prince Charles

has absolutely lost the plot and is about to appear on the balcony

bollock-naked, singing The Lion Sleeps Tonight.

Damn right BBC News is biased.

This next story's about how I'm hot to trot

and all the ladies want to do me.

It's now been four days since Piers Morgan went missing.

The police have appealed for anyone with information on his whereabouts

to please, please, please keep it to themselves.

And now for the news in your local area.

You've got thrush.

-IRISH ACCENT:

-Hello, I'm Orla Guerin.

I'd really like a hug.

Here are the headlines...

I'm just saying, say "spoiler alert" next time or something.

Some of us want the weather to be a surprise.

And I'm reporting now from the DUP conference this year,

which is surprisingly sponsored by Grindr.

And we've got some intel on the killers.

They're good live, but their albums are patchy as fuck.

Finally, we've discovered the true identity of Banksy.

He is none other than...

The Stig.

I met a woman earlier who'd lost both her home

and her business in the flood.

I asked her how she was coping.

She told me to go fuck myself.

APPLAUSE

OK, OK, at the end of that round,

the points go to James, Hugh and Gary.

APPLAUSE

That's the end of the show. This week's winners are

Gary Delaney, Hugh Dennis and James Acaster.

Commiserations to Ivo Graham, Zoe Lyons and Ed Byrne.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.

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