Episode 10 Mock the Week

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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This programme contains some strong language.

Hello and welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Dara O Briain.

Joining me this week are Nish Kumar, Kerry Godliman and Glenn Moore,

Angela Barnes, Hugh Dennis and James Acaster.

APPLAUSE

We start with a round called Picture of the Week.

I show the panel a topical image

and ask them to tell me what is happening.

So, what's going on here?

Is it Jeremy Corbyn figuring out he's broken his Tinder

because he always swipes left?

Is he googling how to tie a tie?

He looks like he's just done

BuzzFeed's "Which Labour Leader Are You?" quiz

and it's come back as Tony Blair.

Is he starting to wonder

if Diane Abbott's 68-digit phone number is entirely accurate?

He's using the app Find My Glasses.

Is it - he doesn't actually want anyone to see -

but he's probably booking an Uber?

THAT was satirical, ladies and gentlemen.

I think he's checking his Betfred account,

cos they've got to finance that manifesto somehow, haven't they?

He's looking up home-made jam on Google Images

and he's turned SafeSearch off.

He's sending a selfie to Beard Of The Year.

THAT...wasn't satirical.

Has he just received a text message saying,

"Have you been involved in an election that wasn't your fault?"

Does anyone have an actual idea of what it is?

Yeah. That...is Jeremy Corbyn.

Correct. Thank you very much, Hugh Dennis.

It is...yes.

Yes, it's the toughest quiz on TV, this.

Yes, this is a picture of Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn

ahead of this week's Labour Party Conference in Brighton.

Corbyn avoided a potentially embarrassing row over Europe

after members and trade union officials

decided to not debate Brexit.

Surely they should be talking about Brexit?

It's kind of like, um...like when me and my girlfriend

avoid talking about getting married.

I know we've got opposite views on it,

but if we say them out loud in public, it will ruin the party.

It's crazy, as well, isn't it?

Because they're discussing lots of other things -

they're discussing social care and housing.

So the agenda of the conference, really, is to discuss all the things

they won't be able to afford

because of the thing they won't be discussing.

I don't understand how you get...

Like, I can't get through a conversation at the moment

without talking about Brexit.

I was in a coffee shop and the guy asked me what I wanted

and I said, "To remain in the single market."

He looked at me like..."I mean, that's obviously not what I meant."

Really, he's in the good times -

because it's a surprise to have done so well at the election.

Exactly - when he was at the conference a couple of years ago,

everyone was like, "Not sure."

Now he's rocked up two years later,

he's like Sandy at the end of Grease.

Everyone's like "Whoa!"

"What you going to do about it, stud?"

They somehow need to work out a policy that appeals

to Leavers and Remainers, and that's impossible.

What they need is, sort of,

a political equivalent of that dress.

You know, like, "Is it white and gold,

"or is it free market access?"

I definitely know which side of the equation wants it to be white.

A load of people then went, "Whoa!" As if, like, they're the victims.

"Don't have a go at the racists."

That won't make it in.

What initial plans for Corbyn's arrival did they scrap?

-He was going to walk on water.

-Yes.

-That is literally true.

They were going to do a trick where it looked like...

It was going to look like he was walking on water, like Dynamo.

Just copying Dynamo. He was the first person who did it.

It's offensive.

I think it's a good idea.

A floating politician trying to attract the floating voter.

I think it's a lovely thing - he'll just be out on the sea,

the idea he'll be out on the sea in Brighton,

then he'd move or he'd be on a pontoon of some description,

just floating along, and you could hear bits of it

as he went past and then he'd just keep going

and bits of the speech will disappear on thin air,

then he'd presumably bounce off one of the piers

and come floating back the other way,

and you'd hear, "Oh, public finances..."

-That's all you need.

-I don't think it's that impressive, Dara -

Theresa May's been treading water since June.

I'd have liked it if he was just on a big inflatable crocodile.

Just bouncing.

If this is what they're planning and they didn't even win,

imagine if they win.

He'll, like, come out of a parachute like the Queen in 2012.

-So exciting.

-I love the idea,

cos there's a lot of fucked-up people hang out on that beach.

Just the idea of Jeremy Corbyn just floating past...

"How much did you take, Barbara?"

In other news, where was Theresa May speaking this week?

-Florence.

-She did go to Florence.

-Hm, yeah.

-Nice. Lovely place to go.

Yeah, where she was trapped in a glass box and failed to get out.

I think...I'm not quite sure why she went to Florence...

The way it's going, these constant extensions,

it feels like the only way we're going to leave Europe

is because of actual continental drift.

Nigel Farage is very unhappy about the, sort of, transitional period,

and he said people in this country didn't vote

for a transitional period.

I tell you what else people in this country didn't vote for.

Nigel Farage.

The Government also - I mean, this is fair -

they want us to be more positive about Brexit.

-Yes, they do.

-So I'm happy to say

I'm positive it's a massive risk and no-one knows what they're doing.

I wish they'd admit they don't know what they're doing.

That would be so admirable to just go,

"But it's really hard. Forget it, I wish I hadn't said it."

Sometimes I say to the kids, "Right, that is it!

"No telly, no video games, no iPads."

But that is unenforceable. You cannot keep that up.

And you're like, "Argh! Do what you like.

"Google porn, have Haribo. I don't care."

"I give up. Everything on the screen.

"Everything on the screen."

"Google porn, have Haribo."

You just described Friday nights.

"Oh, this is tangfastic!"

What has happened since the speech?

Oh, it's all gone tremendously positively.

-It has, yeah.

-Boris has claimed credit for it.

-Boris has claimed credit for it. Yes.

-Which is a bit weird,

cos it went down badly

so it's a bit like demanding praise for a fart in a lift.

Boris is just there, being like, "I smelt it, I dealt it,

"I did the crime, I've done the rhyme, BANG!"

It's like claiming responsibility for a fart in a lift

while not being in the lift when the door opens.

Leaning in and going, "I did that."

Boris isn't really in charge of Brexit,

and now it looks like we'll be staying in Europe for longer

and no-one knows what's happening, so it's not really Brexit any more,

but it's still got the name Brexit.

It hasn't really got the original cast in it, either.

So Brexit has sort of become Fast And Furious Tokyo Drift.

I can't wait for the Rock to get involved in Brexit.

So excited for Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

to get involved in Brexit.

If the Rock got involved in Brexit,

I would apologise to all the Leave voters so quickly.

"You were right, this was a great idea. I love you all."

Moving on, according to scientists,

what does having a square head signify?

-More sex drive than people with round heads, isn't it?

-Yes.

Didn't they say square-headed people are more likely to be unfaithful?

-Unfaithful, yeah, higher sex drive.

-You know who I feel sorry for?

Bert. Cos Ernie must have been getting it all.

Beaker. Poor old Beaker.

-Oh, no chance, mate.

-HE IMITATES BEAKER

I've been out with some square-headed men.

You've just got to roll the dice, ain't ya?

Have you ever seen the programme Eggheads?

Yeah.

None of them are sexy.

It's a programme I could never appear on.

Bunch of...absolute dweebos.

Wayne Rooney's going to love it, ain't he?

He's going to be like, "It's not my fault, it's me head."

I don't understand this, cos he's got one of the roundest...

You just wanted to do the accent.

I have got a very angular head,

-I don't know whether it's square or not.

-It's square.

My nickname at school, amongst many others,

one of them was Snowplough.

Because...

Cos he LOVED cocaine.

I mean, the rest of the pupils liked it,

but YOU, you were a machine...

I hoovered it up.

"Here he comes, absolutely coked off his nut again,

"morning registration."

"Sir, sir! I've got an idea for a film.

"I've written a script. Maybe you'd like to read it..."

"This is woodwork class, Dennis."

I've never taken cocaine,

and a friend of mine described me as "wasting my nose."

Because apparently, this is an absolute cocaine guzzler.

Yes. I don't know quite how this got onto cocaine. Anyway...

-You know how it did, Snowplough.

-What they worked out was,

because of the shape of my chin and my cheekbones,

if you pushed me along the playground on a snowy day,

the chin would scoop up the snow

and it would all funnel in the correct direction.

They just worked this out theoretically? Or did they...?

-They pushed me along the playground.

-Oh, Hugh!

So then, the snow would go...

up your nose...

-..is the story you're telling us?

-Yes.

These programmes about the news are fantastic, aren't they?

At the end of that round, the points go to Glenn, Kerry and Nish.

APPLAUSE

Now we play a round called What's The Story, Warring Tories?

This game involves James and Glenn.

So, if you could make your way to the performance area, please.

This round is a stand-up challenge.

I launch the Wheel Of News, and wherever it chooses to stop,

one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.

OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel...

The first subject is Jobs.

Who wants to come in on that? Glenn.

There were loads of jobs I wanted when I was a kid.

Whether it was starting up a Ouija board business

with my great-great-great- great-great grandfather

or becoming a detective like Poirot

or Craig David's girlfriend's parents in Fill Me In.

I always wanted to be a movie star,

you know, like a proper method actor like Eddie Murphy,

cos, you know, Eddie Murphy is so method and so committed,

that to get into the role of a vet in Doctor Doolittle,

Eddie Murphy actually spent ten years

starring in lots of other shit films.

LAUGHTER

It's so expensive everywhere you go if you don't have a job.

I stopped getting haircuts

because there's hidden costs even when you get a haircut.

You think you're paying for just the haircut

and then at the end, the hairdresser does that

annoying thing where they try to convince you

to buy one of their mirrors

and go, "What do you think of this?"

So, I said, "I don't want to buy one of your mirrors,

"I want you to wash my hair at an angle I've otherwise never been at."

So expensive everywhere you go.

I used to get the bus to work every day.

Get this. £29 per bus journey.

£29 per bus journey is insane...

..but not as insane as this woman who used to sit on the top deck

every day with a microphone telling us where in London we were.

£29 per bus journey and you can't even afford a roof?

It takes three and a half hours

to get between Buckingham Palace and Westminster.

Neither of which are places I work at.

But for the first time in my life,

I thought, "I've got a job, I can buy things,

"I can buy things for my room.

"I can buy a chest of drawers and a desk lamp

"and a flashing neon 'halal' sign for my window."

When you get a job you think, "Oh, great, now I'm a proper grown-up."

Next step, getting married, having kids,

so I can be one of those proper adults who can call themselves,

on Facebook and LinkedIn,

a "Father to two amazing daughters", "Mother to three amazing sons",

and I can't call myself that because I don't have those kids

and people don't really like it

when I call myself a "Nephew to three gorgeous uncles".

Thank you very much, Glenn.

APPLAUSE

OK, that leaves us with James.

Let's see what your topic is. Let's spin the wheel.

And the topic is Growing Up.

I thought it was feet for a second, then!

LAUGHTER

You grow up in little bits and increments, in my opinion.

Bit by bit.

I think the first time you become even a little bit of a grown-up

is when your parents start letting you make your own squash.

It's a big day because, until then, my mum was making all the squash,

all the time and I don't want to offend her if she's watching,

but it was the weakest-ass squash I've ever had in my life.

It was so bad, I'd have to squint at it, like,

"I guess that's got a vague orange tint to it.

"I'll try to imagine what that tastes like as a flavour

"when I'm drinking it."

Then you'd go round some other kid's house,

whose parents are a bit more laissez faire.

That squash knocks your socks off, it's incredible.

I'd be like, "Whoa, you've got access to this squash on the daily?"

He's like, "Yeah, but my parents don't pay me much attention.

"I'm worried they don't love me."

I was like, "I would leave it all in a heartbeat

"for one sip of this squash.

"Tell your dad I love him. Tell your dad I love him."

I had to make a squash for my nephew recently.

First time I've made squash since I was living with my parents,

I haven't done it in my tweens, I'm an adult who doesn't have kids -

and I know there are some adults watching who don't have kids,

who drink squash, but, let me tell you,

if you are the kind of person who drinks squash

even though there are no kids in the house,

you've got bodies in the walls and heads in the freezer.

LAUGHTER

I don't trust a single one of you.

I was out of practice making squash and I had to make it for my nephew.

Let me tell you, I should have really like given myself a side view

so I could see the glass proper - but I didn't.

I'm 32, I got so close to the glass,

so I looked straight down at it, just straight down.

It was just a flat circle, I had no idea of depths or dimensions.

I hoofed it in.

I damn near gave that kid Type 2.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

He was bouncing off the walls on Fun Uncle James's Mega Squash,

losing his mind, going loopy.

At one point, he starts asking me weird questions.

He goes "Uncle James,

"how come my lip skin is different to the rest of my skin?"

I was like, "I've never thought about that, but now you've said it,

"not a day is going to go by when I don't think about it."

Imagine if your whole body was lip skin?

It would take you hours to get ready in the morning.

You'd be stood there with a ChapStick.

That's if you were the only one covered in lip skin, obviously,

you'd have a little ChapStick. If we were all lip skin,

and that was just the whole human race,

then there'd be like a giant ChapStick in the living room,

from floor to ceiling, rotating at the speed of a kebab spit.

The whole family would line up, like cats on a scratching post.

All over it in the morning.

And then, we'd walk out into a world

where no-one can shake hands for fear of becoming aroused.

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much, James. At the end of that round,

points go to James Acaster. Well done, thank you very much.

Our next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

On the board are six categories.

Glenn, which category would you like?

I'd like Home News, please, Dara.

OK, your category is Home News.

The answer is 40,000.

What is the question?

Is it where in the line of royal succession is Samantha Mumba?

-Did I get it right?

-No.

Is it at school I had some fake Adidas bottoms.

You could tell they were fake,

because they had how many stripes on each leg?

Is it the number of times every day I get someone tweeting me saying,

"Do you know you look like Liverpool player Mohamed Salah?"

Is it that time when I tried to cook enough rice to feed two people -

when it was cooked, how many people would it actually have fed?

Is it how many M&Ms would I have to put in a row to spell

Mmmmmmmmmmmm...

..mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

..mmmmmmmmm...

mmm-ah?

Is it the number that I really count up to

when I'm playing hide and seek with my kids?

Is it, so far, how many times in the Brexit negotiations

has Michel Barnier gone, "No"?

Is it how many times Wayne Rooney has said sorry?

Is it how many of my Facebook friends

turned out to be my mum trying to make me feel better?

Is it how many times have my parents asked me

why I'm not on Mock the Week? Is this good enough, Dad?

Anyone know what the actual answer is?

Is it the number of jobs that are going to be lost because of Uber?

That's close enough to the question, thank you very much, Nish.

APPLAUSE

Yes, the question I was looking for is,

"How many minicab drivers are thought to work for Uber in London?"

This is the news that this week Transport For London

decided not to renew the private-hire licence

of the ride-hailing company Uber.

The firm's current licence will expire this Sunday,

and the decision is thought to affect 40,000 drivers

and 3,500,000 customers. There has to be an element to which, however,

there are 40,000 drivers who are now just going to have to,

really sheepishly, go back to the local minicab company

they were working at a year ago and go, "Hello!"

And the guy going, "Well, well, well...

"So, tell me, how was 'the future'?"

We're going to be really nostalgic about it in a few years

and be like "Oh, my God, do you remember Uber? It was so much fun!

"It was just this tiny little bottle full of fizzy drink

"and it had a bear on the front..."

I'm thinking of Panda Pops...

I mean, it's gone back to appeal,

and there's every chance, you know,

they'll sort out regulations and they'll return.

-So it's not, it may not be...

-I hope so, cos I get a lot of Ubers.

I keep getting... They're so easy aren't they? Errrh!

There's a little Uber. I get a pint of milk.

Errrh! Pint of milk. Walk the dog? Errrh! Just get an Uber.

Just got the dog sticking out of the car.

"Stay in first gear, mate, dog's sticking out the car."

Why does your Uber have that sound effect? Errrrh!

That's how easy it is.

You know on the Uber map, what I love is the Uber map,

as the car approaches you, and sometimes it goes past,

it gets it wrong and has to come back -

and then, sometimes, when it hasn't turned round completely -

I don't know why I love this, it's so childish -

when the car comes towards you sideways? Have you had that?

Down the road and you're thinking, I hope that's just the app

and not the actual car.

Because that's going sideways.

Do you agree? Are you boycotting them?

No, no, I was a bit wary about some of the practices

and I like my local minicab company, you know, it's grand.

-That's very admirable.

-What you mean is you've got a chauffeur.

Yeah. Yeah. He's a nice guy.

Ahoy-hoy, everyone.

I hardly ever use Uber, but I go on a Boris Bike.

I use Boris Bikes the whole time.

I like a Boris Bike, but they're made for a shorter man,

so while I like the idea of elegantly whizzing through town

it's ruined by the fact that I keep kneeing myself in the face

every time my legs come up.

Well, now you know how Boris feels.

On a daily basis, constantly hitting himself in the face.

They shouldn't be called Boris Bikes in the first place

because wasn't it Ken Livingstone who initially came up with the idea?

They should be called Kenny Farthings.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's nice to see on the news, like, black cab drivers looking happy.

They haven't looked this happy since Magic FM went 24 hours.

I'm glad that they folded, man.

I'm glad that the whole company's gone.

Now the marketplace is wide open for my business,

"Learner" - LRNR, and, basically, what it is is,

the drivers are all learner drivers on provisional licences

and you can only get a ride if you yourself own a full driving licence.

-Yeah.

-And that way, we don't have to pay the drivers

because it's all experience.

Good. Very good.

Very good idea!

APPLAUSE

You know the chief exec from Uber he said that he's finding out

that there's a high cost to a bad reputation

and I thought I remember learning that the hard way.

You know you give one blowy in a park, Sixth Form - ruined.

In other news, what new payment method

is being used at branches of Costcutter?

They've introduced new technology to read fingers as payment...

Yes.

..but I think they prefer money.

APPLAUSE

It's identification, a bit like, you know,

any of these beepy things. Yeah, but using your finger.

I'm really looking forward to it

because it will be the first time in my life I'll be able to be,

"Yeah, that's £5, please." And I can go, "Yeah, um..."

And they'll go, "Thank you very much."

Some places need cash, though, don't they?

I don't want to see this system in a strip club.

This is... This, supposedly...

Cos you would think that the Mafia would cut off

-lots of people's fingers and use them to pay for stuff...

-Yeah.

But, in fact, it can tell whether you're alive or not

because it is the veins. And I think that's not...

I don't think that's true, because my mum, for example,

cannot turn on an induction hob.

You know, when you have to press the thing on your hob like that.

It does not turn on because her fingers,

her circulation is so bad,

her fingers are too cold!

So, when she used to come and babysit and stuff,

she couldn't cook anything.

-You had to leave stuff for her cos she...

-Hugh...

-..couldn't...

-Hugh...

Your mum's been dead for years.

I know, I know...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, I was thinking, it would be terrible...

We all went to her funeral, Hugh.

-You've got to let it go, mate.

-We sat in this formation!

Wouldn't it be awful if my mum went into a shop

and had to do this to pay for something...

Yes, because she'd scare people.

They'd go, "Oh, my God, there's dead Mrs Dennis

"who died all those years ago. Why can't you be at rest?"

"Because my son will not acknowledge that I'm dead."

I'm so sorry, by the way, to your mother.

She's a lovely woman. I've met her a few times. Lovely woman.

Lovely woman, and dead as hell.

LAUGHTER

OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Glenn, Kerry and Nish.

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.

So, if everyone can make their way over to the performance area?

I'll read out this week's topics

and we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

OK, here we go the first subject is...

It's not my fault.

You told me to reconstruct the crime,

so I killed someone.

"So according to this the suspect was 5'5, red hair, glasses..."

How pissed was I last night?

Sarge, I can't find any fingerprints!

I don't think the killer had any hands!

Oh, no, gloves! Yeah, fair point, they could have been wearing gloves.

Sergeant, you left the luggage in a wind tunnel.

Well, this is going to blow the whole case wide open!

Put your hands where I can see them.

Oh, yeah, those are some sexy hands.

You're going down for a very long time,

cos I did it for you on your birthday.

-IN DISTORTED VOICE:

-Um, the attacker first broke into the house when...

-NORMAL VOICE:

-Oh, you'll alter my voice afterwards?

I told you all to play this one by the book,

now I've got the FBI and the DA on my ass

and, also, everyone keeps thinking on the phone

I'm African-American when I'm clearly a Chinese lady!

When Forensics arrives let them know that, as per usual,

a lot of the semen is courtesy of yours truly.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, is this the body here, yeah?

Oh, GOD! Sorry, Tina, I didn't recognise you without your make-up.

Wait, so you're trying to tell me that the mounted policeman

at the home end of Liverpool Stadium fired a bullet

that just about grazed Liverpool's manager.

You're trying to tell me the Kop cop on clip-clops clipped Klopp?

We're the boys in blue.

We wanted to be called The Blue Man Group

but that name was already taken by some very talented individuals.

Hate crime?

No, I love crime.

It's why I do this job.

We've searched the suspect's room

and we found traces of semen, alcohol and cocaine.

Our conclusion - absolute legend.

For the benefit of the tape

the suspect is a really lovely bit of rough.

He can find anybody,

he can find any suspect.

But can he find himself?

This is Gap-Year Detective.

APPLAUSE

OK, the next topic is...

Good Morning, I'm Susanna Reid - and I'm not blinking,

this is a cry for help in Morse Code.

Shouldn't you be at college?

Something a bit different in today's episode of Countdown,

Susie Dent is actually going to be playing the game.

Let's see how she copes without her fucking dictionary.

Welcome to Escape To The Country,

or to give it its full title -

Some Smug Wankers Fancy A Bit Of Fresh Air.

Welcome...

to Smell The Cheese.

Welcome, you're watching Four In A Bed

where we'll be catching up with your mum.

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

Well, he already presents everything

and now he's fronting the new ITV breakfast show.

Yes, it's Good Morning, Briain.

Well, coming up now on BBC Two,

you can use the Red Button to choose your daytime show.

It's either a travel documentary

about alcoholic narcoleptic rabbis on holiday,

or a current affairs and arts programme -

it's You-Snooze-You-Lose Booze Cruise For Jews

or News And Reviews - you choose.

APPLAUSE

Well, it's a difficult topic, but later on,

we'll be talking about premature ejac... Oh, no...

Welcome to Good Morning Britain.

I'm Piers Morgan, and I'm sorry.

Next up, Holly and Phillip will be demonstrating

the ancient art of bukkake...

Kabuki! Kabuki!

This week on A Place In The Country -

you don't get one unless you've got a special skill -

that is what Brexit means!

And this week on Location, Location, Location,

will Kirstie and Phil finally find that garage to bang in?

There was no cash in that attic, just loads of fibreglass insulation.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And next on Jeremy Kyle, the childhood sweethearts

celebrating their 25-year anniversary.

Not really! it's a couple of crackheads with no teeth.

Today on Escape To The Country, we're escaping the law

and the country in question is Mexico.

Welcome back to Homes Under The Hammer with Dion Dublin.

The show that makes you go..."Dion Dublin?

"As in THE Dion Dublin?"

Well, because they're all the same

I can't be bothered to announce them all.

Here's Flog Dickinson's Antique Some Hammer

Pointless Break Out In The Country.

Fucking finishes at five.

APPLAUSE

And at the end of that round,

the points go to Angela, Hugh and James.

APPLAUSE

And that's the end of the show.

This week's winners are Nish Kumar, Kerry Godliman and Glenn Moore.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Commiserations to Angela Barnes, Hugh Dennis and James Acaster.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.