Episode 11 Mock the Week

This programme contains some strong language.

# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

# But don't believe in everything you see or hear

# Read all about it Read all about it

# News of the World News of the World... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Read all about it Read all about it

# News of the World News of the World. #

Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.

I'm Dara O Briain and joining me

this week are Nish Kumar, Felicity Ward and Ed Gamble,

Miles Jupp, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

We start with a round called Picture Of The Week.

I show the panel a topical image

and ask them to tell me what's happening, so what's going on here?

That is the leader of the Conservative Party

pointing at Theresa May.

Is he pointing the way to the dole queue?

I think probably she has just asked which way it is to Shit Creek.

Is Boris saying, "Look at that totty over there.

"Not you!"

She looks like when you get to the till at Nando's

but then you forget what your friend wanted.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Or is she wearing camouflage

in case she has to escape through the sewers?

Has he just done that trick where you tap someone on the shoulder

on the opposite side and then look away?

And he so would.

He absolutely so would do that, like.

AS BORIS: Ohh, flubbalubbalub!

Is Theresa May saying...

She's got one of those mum mouths

and she's doing the, "One more word out of you, Boris...

"..and I'm going to make you ambassador of Bongo Bongo Land."

Is he saying,

"Now, under this one I've got Java

"and then under my left, there's Africa.

"I want you to see if you can smell the difference."

-HUGH:

-Very subtle. Subtle scent.

Can anyone actually tell us what exactly it is?

Yes, that is a picture of Theresa May,

-who is the Prime Minister of this country...

-Oh, very good.

..and Boris Johnson, who is the Foreign Secretary of this country,

sitting in chairs.

LAUGHTER

That's correct. Thank you very much, Hugh Dennis.

Yes, this is a recent picture of Prime Minister Theresa May

and Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson

ahead of this week's Conservative Party Conference.

The conference was overshadowed by rumours of leadership challenges

and rifts in the party.

-Did you follow the conference? Were you watching it?

-Avidly!

-Oh, yeah!

I'm one of the great Tories of our time, Dara, you know me.

Yes, I do know that.

I don't understand why the Tories have their conference in Manchester,

because that is like Labour holding theirs in Tunbridge Wells.

Or the Liberal Democrats holding it in

anywhere that has a university.

I mean, she's been... There's sort of a number of people now

who are sort of vying for her job. The sort of favourites at the minute

are Boris Johnson, Jacob Rees-Mogg and David Davis,

which is essentially the world's most difficult game

of Shag, Marry, Kill.

I'm just astonished that he is the Foreign Secretary

and he called Africa a country. I mean, in turn,

I'm sure that Africa called him a similar word, much shorter.

LAUGHTER

It is funny because during the week he said,

"Oh, we stand by every single word she says." And it's like...

May at this point is like a supply teacher, a replacement teacher,

and Boris is the boy who starts the humming.

Just constantly, just slightly undermining.

"Hmmm... Yes, Miss? No, no, no..." HUMMING

She tried to say she understood what people had been through

on the electoral campaign, her MPs,

because she's been on it before and she's, and I quote,

"had to make lasagne for 100 people before."

But I think she knows she's leaving

and that's her application to do Celebrity MasterChef.

I felt sorry for her too. I don't know if you guys are the same,

but I feel really uncomfortable

when I see a Tory apologise and take responsibility.

It just doesn't sit right with me.

It's like... You know, I don't know, like, when you're an adult

and your mum's boyfriend buys you a present at Christmas

for the first time and you just look at it

and you're like, "Don't do this, man.

"Like, this just makes you look weak."

She is trying to roll with these things, isn't she?

She's had lots of people having a go at her this week

in the run-up to the thing and then she says, "I, you know,

"I don't think strong leaders surround themselves with yes-men."

Which is a sort of clever response to lots of people...

Strong leaders surround themselves with people

who hate what you do and are really angry and want to stop it.

Strong leaders surround themselves with plotters who hate them.

That's certainly what you've done with this line-up, isn't it, Dara?

Yes. Stop undermining me!

-HUMMING

-She's kind of...

Stop humming, stop humming!

ALL HUMMING

APPLAUSE

REPEATEDLY PRESSING BUZZER

I can't believe you... I cannot believe you did that.

-You are children!

-Say what you will about us, we have a good time.

There's calls to sack Boris Johnson, but I've always wondered,

how do you sack a parboiled potato?

You're right.

What you do is you actually kind of shake it in the thing and then...

I didn't mean to be racially insensitive there, I'm sorry.

It was a little bit awkward.

Sorry.

A little harsh. Welcome to the show, Felicity.

Have you managed to hold on to a Prime Minister

in Australia for more than a week?

She's sort of forgotten who she is, which isn't likely to happen to me,

because I just found this on the desk.

-Is it for me in case I forget who I am during the show?

-Yes.

-Can we all have a go?

-Oh, you've all got them. Oh, that's fantastic.

Could you...?

All right, have we got to the point where we're just bringing in toys?

All right, lads, I don't know what has happened here,

but my one says Tez.

I'm sure we've got a Romesh one somewhere.

In other news, what changes did Ukip introduce at their party conference,

which happened this week?

Black people.

They're just... They're trialling them, OK?

They changed their logo, didn't they?

This is the new one.

This is the lion they chose, which just has...

I know it's a lion, but it just has an unfortunate kind of a...

"Ugh..."

That's because a Ukip supporter just told it

it has to go back to Bongo Bongo Land.

Wow.

That's what Dara used to look like

-when he had hair.

-Are you putting your hair?

Are you putting your hair? Oh, fantastic.

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

It just looks really down about it.

It looks like it's just got a dart in the arse, doesn't it?

The darts are starting to take hold.

-I can see...

-BORED VOICE: "I'm the logo..."

"I'm the logo for whom?

"I'm not even from... I'm actually from Africa!"

-Why is the lion ever associated...?

-There's nothing more British than...

Stop putting me next to the Ukip lion!

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

Ukip having a lion

is like the Kenyan flag having Paul Chuckle on it.

What lion is it very similar to?

Well, it's the Premier League, isn't it?

It's the Premier League lion.

It's really upset the Premier League, not surprisingly.

You wonder whether it's deliberate, actually,

they're hoping that they'll get a massive TV rights deal

for covering the Ukip conference.

But if Ukip are in the Premier League,

what if they get into Europe?

APPLAUSE

Moving on, which new group

are Labour hoping to win the support of?

The Conservative Party.

Yes, that's all they need,

if they can just grab them, then they'd have enough seats.

Is it Coldplay?

No, that's not enough for them.

It's Coldplay fans, isn't it, cos its people over 47?

-It is...

-Ooh, what's that? Too much for you, Coldplay fans?!

No, that was fine, Nish.

Yes, the magic age...

Labour want to attract older people, and old people, apparently,

the bit where people change from Labour to Conservative

is now 47, apparently.

Yeah, they want to attract more voters over 47,

or, as Ukip call them,

the youth vote.

Jeremy Corbyn spent so long trying to get the youth vote

by saying that he liked grime

and now he's got to turn around to the older people and go,

"God, terrible racket, that, isn't it?

"I remember when Dizzee Rascal

"was just a scoundrel you spun round a lot."

And labour wards in hospitals are full of young kids.

In other news, what does billionaire Elon Musk

hope to achieve in less than 30 minutes?

He has said that he's got rockets.

-He thinks we will travel from city to city by rocket...

-Yeah.

..and you can get to New York in 30 minutes,

and I feel like I first heard that story when I was ten years old,

and, decades later, we still have RyanAir.

-NISH:

-What bit of New York is that?

-That's...

-No, cos the rocket will also go to Mars.

-Oh, that's Mars!

-This is why you're the science guy, innit?

-No, that's...

You know the difference between New York and Mars.

OK, that's the moon. Do you know how I know?

Cos you can see Earth just behind it, right?

-So, that's the moon.

-Oh, yeah, here we are!

-Teach me more about science, Dara.

-I shall. Where to begin?

And...

Tell us more about it if you can get your lips off Brian Cox's butt.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And while you're there...

-..if you can tell me how I can get my lips

-on

-his but,

if you could just...

The robots, the star... Everything?

Really, everything? Yeah?

You know what I've got to say to that?

-CONTINUOUS:

-Mmm...

THE OTHERS JOIN IN I have no authority any more.

-I have no power...

-Rest of the series - school's out, baby.

The problem is, Mars is just a rock.

Can you imagine how boring that journey would be?

Just surrounded by wealthy geology nerds,

like, "Ugh, I know it's sedimentary. Duh!"

for three hours!

Felicity, he's right there.

Surely they would be like,

"Why did you come on this trip

"if your response to geology is, 'Uh!'?

"Are you going to be like this the entire time?"

Do you go on those...

you know, a tour around Venice and you go, "Oh, too many canals!

"Ugh, get me a bike or a Segway or..."

Short interstellar travel is already a thing,

cos Space Hoppers.

You're right, it's essentially scaling that up.

Yeah, yeah. They...

I used to work in a Space Hopper showroom,

as a bouncer.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's the end of that round. Points go to Ed, Felicity and Nish.

APPLAUSE

Now we play a round called

Put Your Johnson Away, I Don't Want To See It.

This game involves Milton and Ed,

so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.

This round is a stand-up challenge.

I launch the Wheel Of News and wherever it chooses to stop,

one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.

OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.

And the first topic is music.

Who wants to come out? Ed.

I like heavy metal music.

CROWD IS SILENT

Yeah, none of you believe me, that's fine.

I do not look like I like heavy metal music.

I don't have a heavy metal face.

I have what is known as a Coldplay face,

that's what I've got.

Drink it in - basic bitch, indie white man face. That's me.

Other metalheads don't trust me either.

I can't go to the gigs,

cos I look like an undercover Mormon on a conversion mission.

I look like I'm going to start sneaking up behind people

in the crowd going, "Hey, pretty rocking band, right?

"Yeah, you know who else was rocking?

"Lord Jesus Christ, our saviour."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Yeah. I love the guitarist. Yeah, love the guitarist's look -

"long hair and a beard.

"You know who else had long hair and a beard?

"Right again - Lord Jesus Christ, our saviour.

"What's this you're all doing? Oh, head-banging!

"Yeah, no, cool. I do head-banging too,

"but when I do it, it's to get rid of gay thoughts."

Can't go to the gigs as well,

cos I don't know how to do the things

that everyone does in the gigs, I feel out of place.

At heavy metal gigs, everyone does this.

That's the sign of the beast, the sign of the devil,

it shows you're part of the community.

I'd never done that before, I feel too self-conscious,

but I went to a gig recently, got brave enough to go there,

suddenly my arm shot up in the air.

I was like, "Oh, my God, I am doing it,

"I'm actually joining in for the first time."

I looked up and what my hand was actually doing was this.

That is not the sign of the beast,

that is an uncle saying the burgers are ready at a barbecue.

That's what that is.

-Ed Gamble.

-Thank you very much.

That leaves us with Milton.

Let's see what your topic is, let's spin the wheel.

And the topic is school.

So, I went up to a fruit stall the other day

and behind it was my old maths teacher.

He didn't recognise me, said, "Can I help?" I said, "Yeah,

"if apples are 75p a pound...?"

Do you know, he just looked at me and went...

-"Ugh..."

-HE DOES MONKEY IMPRESSION

I thought, "Oh, no, it was PE, wasn't it?"

Music teachers, they were rubbish, weren't they?

They could only count to four

and then they'd try and distract you with some music.

Our woodwork teacher would always say, "My door is always open."

We'd say, "Still not fixed yet?"

I went back to my old school the other day.

It was weird being back there.

The smell of varnish, the echo of the science room,

"Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo..."

the memory of the fire engines.

Anyway, I was shown into the Phoenix Hall,

which wasn't there in my day...

LAUGHTER

My old maths teacher said to me, "Jones, how did you do it?"

I said, "I used that old formula - 'me' x 'I can'."

He said, "Is that why you're dressed as a Mexican?"

-That's all me!

-Thank you very much.

And the points go to Ed Gamble.

APPLAUSE

CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH

Our next round is called

If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

On the board are six categories.

-Felicity, which category would you like?

-Transport, please.

OK, category is transport, your answer is...

What is the question?

Is it how long does it take to get home on the night bus

now that Uber's been suspended?

Is it if you did a two-week holiday flying Ryanair,

how long should you take off work

just to make sure you get back in time?

Is it at what age will I finally be beach body ready?

Is it how long before tigers are extinct

if we keep eating all the Frosties?

Is it at what age do you start thinking,

"Maybe they should go back to where they came from"?

Is it at what point in the Hundred Years War

did the generals say, "Come on, lads, nearly halfway through!"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Is it the number of years since 1968?

-It is, isn't it?!

-Yes, but...

-I've got you there, haven't I, Dara?

I sort of feel you're not getting the spirit of it.

What's the name of the extended album version

of Craig David's 7 Days?

Does anyone know the actual correct answer, please?

Yes, when will Brexit happen?

Is it what's the world record for staying under a desk

that I'm going to break now?

-I think he means it.

-Yeah, he does, definitely means it.

All I want now is for Hugh's face to just go, "Ooh!"

LAUGHTER

That was a chilling insight to your facial expressions, by the way.

LAUGHTER

In all seriousness, could you come back out again?

Then I won't get the record, Dara!

OK, you won't get the record. Suck the pain, right.

-I'll look ridiculous.

-There isn't enough paper, Milton, you will struggle.

For continuity, we really need you to come back out again.

We just need a Milton whisperer.

You said if I wore green, we'd celebrate St Patrick's Day.

And everyone would dress the same.

Milton, get out from under the goddamned desk.

LAUGHTER

This is 10 minutes of the Christmas special.

Dara wears gold shoes, everyone!

LAUGHTER

Is the answer, "How long are we going to be here?"

Yeah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Oh, my lord.

-Do you want the actual answer?

-Yeah, go on. Why don't you?

How long have Monarch been an airline?

Indeed it is, thank you very much, Hugh Dennis!

APPLAUSE

Yes, the question I was looking for was, "How many years have

"Monarch Airlines operated for before it went into administration this week?"

The airline, the UK's fifth biggest and the country's largest ever

to collapse, ceased trading, with over 100,000 customers

needing to be brought back home

in the UK's largest peacetime repatriation.

-Yes, Monarch has gone. After 49 years.

-Yeah.

And apparently, one of the many excuses given for losing money

is they'd really invested a lot in bunting with

"Happy 50th Anniversary, Monarch".

That is really...

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

It's terrible, there are people who are really upset with

the royal family, because they woke up to the headline,

"Monarch goes into administration".

Well, no, Prince Charles actually saw the headline,

"Monarch collapses," and got really excited.

It is, yes, it has, and 100,000 people are left stranded.

I feel sorry for all those who thought that their holidays

were ATOL protected.

It turns out, you're not protected...

-TOGETHER:

-At all!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, yeah, I see you are very quick to give yourselves

a round of applause!

"Yeah, we absolutely nailed that one."

"It's all in the delivery."

What's really odd about this repatriation day is they're

saying it's incredibly difficult logistically and they're

thinking of hiring planes from Qatar Airways and all that kind of stuff.

-Yes.

-And you're thinking, well, why not use the MONARCH planes...

They were already scheduled to go. The planes haven't...

They haven't... They didn't go,

"We're in administration. Smash up the planes!

"Wait! We could probably use them."

"No. No. There should be no record of these planes.

In other flying news, what did easyJet announce recently?

-Electric... Electric...

-Electric planes. Yes, electric planes.

Electric planes are a dreadful...

If you think about how noisy an electric hand-dryer is.

A Dyson, how much noise it makes.

You half dry your hands and you've got to shoogle them.

How deafening.

An electric plane? I'm sorry, I'm out.

Is this Dragons' Den? Jupp's the secret fourth Dragon.

They told me it was one of the Dara... Have you done that? Presumably...

Presumably electric planes are possible now, aren't they?

But it's just the extension leads that get in the way.

-So it's going to be... They're going to be like batteries, aren't they?

-Yes.

They are going to be battery-powered planes.

They can't be plugged...

How are they going to get a return journey?

Because someone will leave the plane charger in their hotel room.

Just had the announcement, "Attention, easyJet passengers.

"Does anyone have a charger for a Boeing 747?"

I have the old charger for Boeing. The wide one.

-Is that the wide one you want?

-No. That's the A380.

-I thought they were all the same.

-You couldn't use iPhone batteries.

Going, "We've got 12% left. Is this going to get us to Madrid? Turn the lights down.

"Turn the lights down."

"Put it on airplane mode." "It already is!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"It's always on airplane mode!"

We really need electric planes, don't we?

Because planes are massive sort of polluters.

And it blows my mind that we haven't all got electric cars

as standard because it does feel a bit like, well,

one of them is killing people and the other one isn't.

If you went to a cake shop and they were like,

"This cake has poison in it and this one has not poison,"

You'd go, "I'm gonna go with the not poisoned one."

But does the poison one have chocolate?

LAUGHTER

I don't know, but Chocolate Poison was my wrestling name.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

All the way from the East... Chocolate Poison!

I never want to see you in a unitard.

Very hairy!

-Unitard was actually

-my

-wrestling name.

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

My wrestling name is Hugh.

APPLAUSE At the end of the round,

the points go to Miles, Hugh and Milton!

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.

So, if everyone can make their way over to the performance area,

I'll read out this week's topics

and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

OK, here we go, the first subject is...

Would all virgins please report to the Virgin check-in desk?

BUZZER

If you have any excess baggage,

please report it to a train guard.

If you have any emotional baggage, just report to Tina,

she's a really good listener.

BUZZER

Welcome to Homebase. We particularly welcome our staff

from Guantanamo Bay.

We hope you'll feel at home dressed in orange

and being asked questions you don't know the answers to.

BUZZER, APPLAUSE

Ryanair are pleased to announce that the refund on all cancelled

flights can be picked up from the Monarch check-in desk.

BUZZER, APPLAUSE

-HE RAPS:

-# My name is Tannoy Dave and I'm here to say

# I'm really bored at work, have yourself a great day! #

BUZZER

And to the parents of the lost little boy, Timothy,

we have found him, so now's your chance to make your escape,

he really is a little shit, isn't he?

BUZZER

Welcome, everyone, to Weight Watchers.

It really doesn't matter

-how many pastries...

-past tries

-you've had...

BUZZER

Would someone with a camera please come to the Tannoy room?

I have sat on the microphone and I am literally talking out of my arse.

BUZZER, APPLAUSE

If you look out the left window of the train, you'll see the sea.

And if you look out the right window, you'll see the sea.

Oh, God, we're in the sea!

BUZZER

Bing-bong!

Could the person who's stolen the bing-bong machine

-please bring it back?

-BUZZER

Attention, shoppers, we have a young man who says he's lost.

I mean, he's 45, he just needs some career advice.

BUZZER

Would the man in the red Speedos doing the front crawl

up lane four please stop?

This is a bowling alley.

BUZZER

I don't wish to upset or worry anybody,

but do we have a doctor on board?

Or, failing that, a pilot?

BUZZER

This is the captain of this ship speaking.

Last night, we were attacked by a giant, blind space monster.

I fired a laser at it,

but unfortunately, it's cured its eyesight.

BUZZER

Would the owner of a Land Rover please realise you live in a city,

have no need for an off-road vehicle and everyone hates you?

BUZZER, APPLAUSE

We have illuminated the seat belt sign, which means

Seat Belt Man will be here very soon!

BUZZER

Southern Rail would like to apologise for the...

Fuck me, there's one coming!

BUZZER

The next topic is...

No, Mr Bond, I don't expect you to talk, I expect you to die -

of the many STDs you've contracted.

Jesus, man, pop a johnnie on!

BUZZER

Thesaurus - the movie...

The film... The flick... The motion picture...

BUZZER

That's Mad Max, those are his brothers,

Sad Max, Bad Max and Glad Max.

And this is the fellow who started it all,

Dad Max!

BUZZER

You might well be a Blade Runner, Ryan,

but in this house, we do not run with scissors.

BUZZER

Not only do I transform from a truck into a robot,

I also do next-day delivery.

My name is Optimus Prime!

BUZZER

Are you trying to seduce me?

I just work here, man,

do you want the free Coke with the meal deal or not?

BUZZER

You want to return the Jedi?

Of course! Credit note give you, I will.

BUZZER

Whoever you are, I will find you and I will...

I'm so sorry, I think I've got the wrong number.

BUZZER

Frozen - the tragic tale of

pensioners confused by gas tariffs.

BUZZER, APPLAUSE

The name's Bond, er...Tony Bond, James's brother.

Don't have a licence to kill, but I've got one to drive a forklift,

but apparently that doesn't count for anything, does it, Mum?!

BUZZER

Doctor Strange, you say?

How strange, on a scale of Seuss to Shipman?

Imagine a world where monkeys have given up tobacco...

LAUGHTER

Planet of the Vapes.

BUZZER, APPLAUSE

So, Bond, this is your cover, working in this optician's.

It's called, For Four Eyes Only.

BUZZER

Good God! The dead have ris...

Oh, no, it's the Tory Party Conference. Sorry.

BUZZER

This is Spider-Man: Homecoming -

and like most teenage boys, Spider-Man's at home, coming.

BUZZER

-DEEP VOICE:

-Go ahead, make my voice higher.

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-Oh! Like an Oompa Loompa. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

BUZZER

My mama always said to me, life is like a box of chocolates -

something that you panic buy at a service station on the way to visit relatives.

Come on, guvnor, don't give me an 'ard time, I'm the Cockney Avenger!

Any old Iron Man!

BUZZER, APPLAUSE

-HIGH VOICE:

-I am Loki! The Mischief God of Norse!

Why is no-one else dressed up?

Oh, you said, "dress low key"...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, and the points go to Ed, Felicity and Nish!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And that's the end of this show. This week's winners are

Nish Kumar, Felicity Ward and Ed Gamble!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Commiserations to Miles Jupp, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you for watching, I'm Dara O Briain, goodnight.

MUSIC: News of the World by The Jam