Episode 12 Mock the Week

This programme contains some strong language.

# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

# But don't believe in everything you see or hear

# Read all about it Read all about it

# News of the world News of the world... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Read all about it Read all about it

# News of the world News of the world. #

Hello, I'm Dara O Briain, and if I'm standing here,

it means you're watching the post-nuclear apocalypse edition

of Mock The Week.

Please remain on this frequency, and do not exit your safety zone.

Watch instead this specially-prepared show

featuring unseen material, outtakes,

and some of our favourite bits from happier times.

Stay calm, do not panic.

That was really too serious!

I can't believe I'm on a butt-booster seat again.

I thought that was just me.

I thought they thought I had some sort of problem.

Hang on. Have you just given one to the women and the minorities?!

Yes.

Women, minorities...and children!

APPLAUSE

Your category is World News, and the answer is 6.

What is the question?

Is it, what do men in New Zealand think about every ten seconds?

Is it, what was the number of the sixth person to own a telephone?

Is it, how many calories were in the winning dish

on North Korean MasterChef?

Is it the number of times my father has referred to this show

as "Mock Of The Week Today"?

Man, I'm telling you, it is literally written behind me.

Yeah, I know!

And people go, "Oh, yeah, I know you, you're on Mock Of The Week."

Really? Really?

Read it. Read it, asshole! Read it from behind my face.

Is it that your head looks like an O?

-APPLAUSE

-Like "Mock O' The Week"?

-Two things.

-So are you saying...?

-Two things about that.

Firstly, the "Dara has a large head" thing again, right?

Did I say large? I was referring to the baldness.

OK. Aw...

-But also that it would be "Mock

-O'

-The Week".

Well, it would be.

You of all people - et tu, Paddy?

Is it, how many seconds would a giraffe last

in a World War I trench?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Is it, simply, at what age does life start to go downhill?

APPLAUSE

Could somebody actually give me the correct answer?

I think this is a reference to North Korea,

cos this is the sixth nuclear test that they've done.

Absolutely right. Thank you very much, Nish Kumar.

Yes, the question...

It's not necessarily a missile, though.

-It's not really a missile.

-Shut it, Ed.

-This test wasn't a missile.

-Shut up, Ed.

-This test was an underground detonation

of a nuclear warhead. It wasn't on a missile.

It wasn't, but it may yet...

Anyway, Ed...

..noted. Now shut up.

APPLAUSE

The way things are going, this could be the first-ever episode

of Mock The Week not to make it to Dave!

I would also like to commend Ed Gamble

on his commitment to satire this week.

As he appears to have had his hair cut exactly like Kim Jong-un.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, I didn't want to... Thank you.

-Do you have a...?

-I don't want to jinx it,

but I've got a rather important audition later.

The rules of the looky-likey on the show

is you've really got to do the whole pose.

-Have you got the picture?

-What do you mean "the whole pose", Dara?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Other hand, other hand!

Other hand!

There we go.

Bravo! Thank you very much.

In other news, why did Labour's plans for student debt

come under scrutiny this week?

Cos they were worked out by Diane Abbott?

GROANING

How much would it take to clear all student...

100 billion?

You could buy 100 DUP for that!

Oh, yes! So much money!

It's 100 billion, but they don't have to start paying it off

till they earn over £21,000 a year, so...

And even then, it's only nine grand a year.

I mean, like, that would take them...

HE PUFFS

-I don't know.

-Just get a Wonga loan - I did that.

And I'm fine for another four hours.

The guy who drafted the bill was the one who had, sort of,

come up and criticised it, didn't he?

Or the guy that was part of making that...

Lord Adonis, who set up...

Lord Adonis? Is that an ironic name?

He can't possibly live up to that.

I have never seen a picture of Lord Adonis,

I never wish to see a picture of Lord Adonis.

Because I want to imagine he is just oiled and glistening.

"Student loans? Sure, I'll talk to you about student loans.

"But surely you'd like some tickets for the gun show?

"Mwah! Mwah!"

He's a balding man in his 40s.

-It's a great look.

-Yeah.

We think that's a good thing.

Interesting company to shoot that one out!

Yes, let's mock that fool.

Did the report also reveal...?

Sorry, are we going back to the topic?

We can, yeah. Lovely of you to check.

Well, you know, I'm very new here. I'm very new.

-Am I doing OK?

-You're doing fine. It's very good. Very polite.

I like to check in. Well, I'm nothing if not polite.

And also semiformal dress wear, it's really... It's actually...

Yeah, it's really quite disappointing

when you look at the rest of you.

APPLAUSE

I went hospital abroad recently.

-You were in a hospital abroad?

-Yeah.

-Oh, really?

-I was there anyway, I was in America,

and I shat myself in a steakhouse.

And then the next morning, I woke up, I couldn't hear out of one ear.

Actually, do you know what?

The first part of that story is unrelated.

-Still, it's good for context.

-Yeah.

I couldn't hear out of one ear, I went in the hospital, they said,

"You've got too much wax in your ears."

And they were, like, flushing my ears out, for hours.

I was there in the foetal position

and they were all just, like, walking around me.

And all the water just gushes out of your ears.

And they told me I had to wear a gown, "You've got to wear a gown."

I was like, "My ears are on my face."

They were like, "Just trust us." So I took my top off, I wore a gown,

but I kept my cords on. Cos I've got to stay on-brand.

Absolutely soaked my butt, all the water,

and so it looked like I'd had a repeat of the night before.

I don't know if you've...

I don't know if you've ever shat yourself,

but the shame doesn't leave your eyes for about 48 hours.

So I'm walking out, and I look, like, in there...

I look physically like I've done it again,

but my eyes are like, "I did it."

So I reckon health care's better over here.

That was... That's the moral of that story?

OK.

APPLAUSE

What has she done about next year's Queen's Speech?

-She's cancelled it!

-Cancelled it.

-And the Queen is furious,

cos she's on a zero-hours contract.

She should riff the Queen's Speech,

like, if she's angry it's been cancelled this year,

she should just throw in loads of stuff that she wants.

Suddenly at the end, she goes,

"Oh, and free Nando's for all queens."

APPLAUSE

Or just stuff that the Government definitely can't do,

to screw them over.

Like, just start going, "Oh, also, Freddos will be 10p again,

"and you can download orgasms."

Isn't that one of the things that they're trying to put in?

What, Freddos being 10p again?

-Well, yeah.

-I don't get the... What is the...?

Why, I'm sorry, there is a generational thing with the Freddo.

Let it go with the Freddo.

What do you mean? What's your problem with the Freddo?

As a representative of young people, let me rap wit' ya, Dara.

I'm just saying, everybody's obsessed with the cost of Freddo.

Just because you come from a time where you could buy a HOUSE for 10p!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-What IS a Freddo?

-It's a small bar...

THEY LAUGH

I don't know what a Freddo is!

It's like a chocolate bar with soft caramel inside it.

Kerry, it's basically their generation's finger of Fudge.

-Oh, right.

-I do beg your pardon?!

-You know, finger of Fudge, right?

-Yeah.

I genuinely, for years, thought they had pepper in, to the extent...

-Yes! Yes!

-..to the extent that when I ate them,

I imagined I could taste pepper because the song always went,

"They're full of peppery goodness, and very small and neat."

And I misheard the word "Cadbury" as "pepper",

and convinced myself they tasted of pepper.

-I never went that far...

-It's not just me, is it?

..but I did go, "That's false advertising,

"cos this just tastes of yummy fudge,

"and there's no peppery goodness in it -

"and what is peppery goodness, anyway?" Yeah!

-And obviously just you and me on that.

-Yeah, I know.

It's like watching a conversation in a retirement village.

APPLAUSE

In other news, what creatures have been invading people's homes?

Well, spiders, but I don't know how topical...

It's just this time every year.

-Well, that makes it bang on topical.

-Yeah.

It's as topical now as it was a year ago.

Yes. And do you know what?

Next year, it'll be topical again. And we'll do it again.

This is how I feel every time we talk about Wimbledon.

We did spiders this time last year.

Yeah, but we did the ones who were outside last year.

These are the ones that crawl into the house now.

-They crawl into your house to have sex, don't they?

-Yeah, they do.

With the other spiders?

With other spiders, yeah. Not you.

I was starting to worry.

They're on Tinder, Ed. They're on Tinder...

They've got eight Tinders open...

I don't even know which one is the good one.

How boring must Tinder be for spiders?

Hobbies - spinning webs.

Spinning webs.

She's got long legs!

-Looks like someone...

-You need to be a leg man, though.

If you're a spider in that situation, could very much be...

I wish I had the guts to sneak into other people's houses

every time I wanted to have sex -

it'd save me a fortune on laundry.

Don't get confused, though -

I rolled up a newspaper to hit a black widow with.

Next thing I knew, I wasn't allowed near Winnie Mandela.

UNCERTAIN APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

I'm not giving you the points for that!

In other news, what can now be taken in larger quantities

on some flights from Italy?

Cocaine.

No.

Uh-oh.

-It's pesto.

-Ah.

-It is pesto, yeah.

-How much can you bring on, do you know?

-I believe...

-500ml, isn't it?

-500g.

-500g, yeah.

-Yeah.

Or two jars of 250.

If you measure it in grams, then it isn't a liquid.

Sorry, I wasn't doing the maths there - that's the actual rule.

I wasn't going, "Oh, by the way, you can divide 500 by two."

So this is, it's normally 100ml, isn't it, that you can take through?

Why have they done that then?

They've done that because they sell pesto.

It has to be proper Genoese pesto, though.

This is just through one airport, it's not the whole of Italy?

Yeah, it's just through the airport

-in the pesto-producing area of Italy.

-Genoa.

It's to encourage...

Presumably, it's because every tourist comes through Genoa Airport

and goes, "Ugh, I bought some pesto!"

And they just go, "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

And you're left there with a choice of, "Well, screw you.

"Mmm! Bleurgh! Mmm!

"Mmm! Argh! Argh!"

"Darling, darling, go and get me some penne."

"It's going to be dry!"

"I don't care if it's just dry."

Crunch-crunch-crunch.

You can't just allow it because loads of it's coming through.

THEY have decided that they're allowing it, yeah.

Just going, "Oh, we're getting so much cocaine

"coming through this airport, let's just allow it."

Do you know what I mean?

"Oh, I am over this cocaine thing. Just go, go!"

All these people standing at the gate, just being like,

"Argh! Argh!"

RAPID SNORTING "Argh! Eurgh"

"I'm on a mad cocaine and pesto..." HE SNIFFS

"Wait, wait, give me some pesto and give me the cocaine,

"and just mash in my face."

"Darling, give me some penne!"

APPLAUSE

Our next round is called Newsreel.

We play in a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news,

and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.

This week's clip features the Prince of Wales.

-AS CHARLES:

-You...you want me to try some of this, do you?

-AS BUTCHER:

-Yes, your Highness, it's locally butchered goat.

Oh, well. Is it?

Eurgh.

I'll have a little bit of that.

I see that one over there doesn't seem to have

any hairs coming out of it. So I'll just...

Quick sniff, pop it in -

as we used to say at boarding school.

-DEEP, GRAVELLY VOICE:

-Can I have some, please, Charles?

Yes, of course you can, my darling. She can't resist a little sausage.

You see what I'm saying? You get it, don't you?

You see, you know what I'm saying!

Can't resist a little sausage.

Yes, watch these two, cos they're terrible. Yes.

Anyway, that was absolutely disgusting.

Ah, this is better.

Yes, I'll have a pint of the Glenmorangie, please.

And some porky scratchings. And a tray of Jagerbombs.

If I'm honest, I'm in the mood for a bit of a sesh.

So I'll just slip that down, and then we'll go, we...

Shall we go into the beer garden? Yes.

Camilla, could you bring the crisps? That would be very good.

-SLURRING:

-I am absolutely HAMMERED.

I had far too much in the beer garden,

I had about nine thingies of beer.

I don't want water. I do not want...

Oh! Oh, that's not water.

I don't really need... I like the taste, and it numbs the pain...

..of-of not being King.

How are you getting on, Camilla? Have you...?

I've had 20 now...

Oh, that's lovely. I'll take a crate, please.

Thank you.

-HEAVILY SLURRING:

-How-how many jars are there there?

I'm absolutely wankered.

Have you got any cheese?

I need the cheese to soak up the alcohol.

I'll just finish this one.

Oh, that's...

I love you.

I think I must have had about 20... 25 now.

Wha-wha-wha-what is this?

What is...what is that called?

What is...what is it?

It's...beer. That's what it is.

I love beer.

We were only going to have the one.

Oh, my God.

Daylight.

Oh, I-I-I need to find my car.

Oh, it's over here, isn't it?

Officer, I seem to have lost my car.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done, Hugh.

-This, by the way...

-Photo of the year!

Definitely photo of the year, if not of all time.

This... I just adore this.

This is just a random 11-year-old who wrote in saying,

"I'd love to mow the White House lawn."

And, as part of it, got Trump just shouting at him...

"Tighten up those borders!"

Yeah.

APPLAUSE

He's shouting, "And when you've done with that,

"I've got a wall that needs building, too!"

I'm not surprised he's cross, though -

the kid has mowed off his feet.

APPLAUSE

"Barron, why are you mowing the lawn?

"We have people to do that. Honey, why is Barron...?"

"That's not our son!

"Our son's at school in Maryland right now."

"Why is he mowing the lawn?"

He's probably going, "You are my last option -

"do you want to be White House Press Secretary?"

APPLAUSE

Have you seen the finished job that the kid did?

I am not impressed with the job so far.

It makes sense, if you see it as an aerial shot, he mowed in,

"I voted for Hillary."

APPLAUSE

Moving on. What's been troublesome for fishermen in Alaska?

They found that killer whales have sort of formed gangs,

and are now stealing the fish that they're trying to harvest.

I'm scared of fish.

-All fish?

-All fish.

-Any fish?

-I can't...

I once got dumped by a bloke because of my fish phobia.

Right, this is a bloke who was 33 and played Dungeons & Dragons,

and HE dumped me, right?

-SCATTERED LAUGHTER

-Yeah, exactly.

Listen, get over it. I told you, I met someone else.

He said it was cos he'd always imagined living in a house

where one entire wall was an aquarium. Right?

And I said, "Yeah, well, I've always imagined a sex life

"where I don't have to dress up as Frodo."

I once went to my dentist, right,

and they'd installed a fish tank in the surgery,

to calm people down. And I freaked out,

so he ended up having to do my checkup in the waiting room.

I-I've got a worse dentist story than that.

I was at the dentist, right, I was having a root canal.

I had my head right back, I've got a slight phobia of dentists, right,

so I had my head right back, he's drilling away, or whatever,

and suddenly just goes, "Oh, shit, shit, shit!"

And then, like, jumped back, and I thought, "I've got to look up."

I sat up and there was a pigeon...

In your mouth?

No.

On his instrument tray.

A pigeon...

..had flown into the room.

Wait. Were you just watching Finding Nemo?

I swear, and then he said to me,

"I've got a phobia of pigeons, can you deal with it?"

I said, "Mate, no, I can't."

"I've got a phobia of dentists - I can barely deal with you!"

So you're there, going...

"Go 'way, pitheon! Go 'way!"

I was going, "Thith ith outhrageouth!

"Thith ith abtholutely disthguthting

"that we've got a pitheon in here, man. I'm theriouth!

"I'm theriouth!

"I want a bathic lethel of proththinolithm from a dentitht."

By the way, can anyone answer the question,

so we can actually put this in the show?

Technically, they're saying the killer whales are stealing our fish,

it's like, "No, you're stealing THEIR fish."

It's like you've gone into their house and nicked all their shit

-from their freezer...

-On the killer whale version of Mock The Week,

this story is presented very differently.

HE IMPERSONATES WHALE SONG

"Yes, that was funny when Romesh went to the dentist."

DISTRESSED WHALE SONG

"Ooh, that pitheon!"

Do you know what? I know you're doing orca,

but I still find it offensive.

APPLAUSE

Anyway, meanwhile, what are the Government cracking down on,

genuinely cracking down on, this week?

People claiming insurance claims

-for getting food poisoning while on holiday.

-Yes.

Because it's time for that to stop.

Who was aware that we needed to draw a line in the sand on that one?

Who woke up this morning and went,

"Too many people are claiming falsely that they got sick

"when they were on holiday"?

Apparently, it's rife, this claiming back for illness on holiday.

The reaction is 50% of people going, "That's terrible.

"Because that surely goes back onto our insurance costs,"

and 50% of people going, "You can do that?

"I wasn't aware you could do that. I had a bit of a...

"Remember, Brenda, that dicky tummy round about day three?

"That would be worth a few quid, wouldn't it?"

Is it all people doing it just for insurance,

or is it just that classic British holiday-maker thing

of drinking 15 pints, and then blaming the fact

that you're puking your ring on the prawn cocktail you had?

Did you just say "puking your ring"?

-Puking your ring, yeah.

-It's that Irish colloquialism.

-Irish phrase.

-Never heard that - puking your ring?

-What does it mean? Is it something to do...?

-When you puke so hard,

your own arsehole comes up and out of your mouth.

Is the idea.

APPLAUSE

It's a rich culture, the Irish.

Far too rich if you're puking like that.

We are a witty and loquacious people.

You should hear my father simply describe every fart he lets.

He's just...

-HE GRUNTS

-"You could knit that one."

You know, that kind of thing.

HE GRUNTS

"You won't get that out in a cold wash!"

See, it's a rich...

Oh, it's like Ulysses, isn't it, really?

It was amazing when the Irish tourist board used that...

..for one of their things.

"It's not just the music and the mountains people come for..."

HE IMPERSONATES A TUNEFUL FART

"..it's big Ed's bumhole."

"There's eating and drinking in that one."

HE GRUNTS

"That one came out with its boots on."

"Where a fart isn't just a fart.

"Ireland."

In other news, what's going on here?

That is, er... That's the new design for Freddo bars.

Is the middle one saying,

"Miss Piggy, I didn't expect you home so early"?

Weirdly, I'd love to give you a lovely answer to this -

"it's just some frogs" is the actual answer.

I think I've got it. Have the top two broken down,

and they're being TOAD home?

GROANING AND APPLAUSE

Are they frogs or toads?

Every piece of information I have here says frogs.

You know, and I suppose they could have checked it,

but who gives a flying fuck?

Yes, this is a picture of Donald Trump and his wife, Melania,

at the White House this week.

Melania has finally joined her husband at the White House

after spending the first five months of his pregnancy...

Pregnancy?

-Oh...

-Now there's a story.

I wondered why his moods were so erratic!

Oh, I'm just going to say pregnancy again,

I literally cannot see presidency in that now.

APPLAUSE

Yes, this is a picture of Donald Trump,

and isn't he glowing?

Your secret's safe with us, Donald. Sorry, OK, we'll do it again.

APPLAUSE

Yes, this is a picture of folic acid-guzzling Donald Trump,

as he enters his third trimester of an unexpected pregnancy

in a 70-year-old man.

Some back pain, some nausea, but mainly sitting on that round...

"Oh, God, please, somebody get me some cake."

-OK, we need it again. We need it again.

-Sorry.

Obviously, cos Nish did it like a prick. That's why.

OK.

Please, somebody deport him!

For Christ's sake!

Wow.

OK, I will properly do it this time.

APPLAUSE

Yes, this is a picture of Donald Trump and his wife, Melania,

at the White House last week.

Melania has finally joined her husband at the White House

after spending the first five months of his presidency...

THEY ALL LAUGH

Come on!

Come on! It's funnier that he's pregnant.

I'm talking to you, and I just looked at Milton and laughed,

so I said, "Milton." But, no-one ever talks to Milton.

I don't know what I'm doing.

-It's one of the side-effects.

-No-one ever does talk to Milton.

That's made me sad now, thinking about that.

Every week, he's here all the time.

Shush-shush!

Sorry, sorry, we're having a conversation here, Milton.

Yes, it's a picture of Donald Trump and his wife, Melania,

at the White House... LAUGHTER

Now we've come to Scenes We'd Like To See,

so everyone can make their way...

-ED, SHOUTING:

-Come on! You heard the man, and you know the drill!

APPLAUSE

Absolutely badasses!

Yes, this is a picture of Donald Trump and his wife, Melania,

at the White House this week.

Melania has finally joined her husband in...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

He's definitely pregnant.

That's all I can see!

Russian culture though, is very catchy.

But, hey, hey, hey, hey....

AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG

OK. No-one comes out of that well.

And the next topic is...

Please sir, can I have some more?

318 seats isn't enough for a majority.

BUZZER

Frozen, the story of 89-year-old Elsa,

who had her winter fuel allowance cut.

BUZZER

The young boy is trapped on board the airborne balloon house

with an old man,

who the tabloids have dubbed the Sky Paedo.

BUZZER

There's no way around it, Captain Sparrow,

they spelt it wrong on the poster.

So give me a curl, a crunch and a leg raise -

this is Pilates Of The Caribbean.

APPLAUSE

BUZZER

Hi, I'm Joy, this is Sadness, and Anger...

and Deep-Rooted Racism.

BUZZER

APPLAUSE

No, Mum! Don't come in! I thought you were out for the day.

I was just looking at it for science.

Home Alone: The Teenage Years.

BUZZER

APPLAUSE

Wow, you sure look sleepy after eating all that chocolate, Scooby.

Scooby?

GROANING AND LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Hello, is that the drugs squad?

Apparently, there's Charlie at the chocolate factory.

BUZZER

It's a story about a super villain Prime Minister

who managed to shrink her own majority -

Despicable May.

APPLAUSE

BUZZER

-FRENCH ACCENT:

-Because of ze curse,

I have been turned into a candlestick.

Him into a clock, and if you look in that drawer, you will find Michael,

who has been turned into a MASSIVE dildo.

BUZZER

Missile locked on target, sir.

Unidentified aircraft destroyed, sir.

Oh, bollocks, it was Mary Poppins.

BUZZER

APPLAUSE

Oh, no, the circle of life applies to life in general.

Your own personal life is more like a straight line which ends abruptly.

BUZZER

We've made some key upgrades to Wall-E.

Basically, he can suck you off now.

APPLAUSE

OK, the next topic is...

-HIGH, FLOATY VOICE:

-Welcome to the bakery.

-It does seem unlikely. It would be unlikely.

-Yeah.

I have one.

Oh, sorry - "Do I have a cockatoo?"

BUZZER

I don't think there's any point in spaying a dog this ugly -

no-one is going to fuck that, no-one.

BUZZER

And here's the bill.

Er, I'm afraid we couldn't reattach it to your duck.

BUZZER

Well, there is a reason why he's floating on his side

at the top of the tank.

Gerbils can't swim.

BUZZER

I'm afraid your squirrel is dead.

I'm surprised he lasted this long -

he's got a nut allergy.

BUZZER

Now, if I could just... get my hand...up here,

then it's just like the cat never died.

Meow!

BUZZER

Er, you know what? I could fit you in today.

But I warn you now -

I've got one of those "just put everything down" hangovers.

BUZZER

Sure I am a vet -

Afghanistan, Iraq, two tours of Bosnia.

Let me see your cat - your cat is dead. We move on!

BUZZER

Yeah, kind of a good news/bad news situation here.

The bad news is, your pig is dead,

but the good news is, I've whipped us up a fry-up.

BUZZER

I'm sorry to say your horse has back cancer.

Oh, it's a camel! Thank God for that.

Phew!

BUZZER

So, neutered, muzzled or put down -

the choice is yours, Mrs Rooney.

APPLAUSE

BUZZER

Do you know what? We never do this,

but you've both been really good panels.

So we've got Freddos for all!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yay!

Yeah!