Christmas Special Mock the Week

This programme contains some strong language

# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

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# News of the world

# News of the world. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to Mock The Week,

I'm Dara O Briain, Merry Christmas to you all,

and Joyeux Noel,

Frohliche Weihnachten and Feliz Navidad to all our friends in Europe.

We've taken back control of Christmas

and spent £350 million on a special episode featuring outtakes,

unseen material and favourite bits.

Hope you enjoy it, and merry Brexmas.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Meanwhile, what's going on here?

"You're not a King Charles."

"Neither are you."

APPLAUSE

That's Prince Charles saying, "What's that, Lassie?

"The Queen is stuck down a mine shaft?

"Hurrah!"

The dog is going, "Don't do it there, Charles, I haven't brought any bags with me."

APPLAUSE

-What are we going to see less of in China?

-Chinglish.

Chinglish, it's called, yes.

Mistranslated signs are very common in China,

and the Chinese Government is clamping down on them.

These are the kind of signs we're talking about.

"Please don't be edible."

People stand and take photographs. "Exterior girdle food."

Or this one. This...

It was actually intended to be a

park of different races coming together,

kind of an Empost-type thing,

and then it got translated as Racist Park.

My particular favourite is, somebody looked up the translation of this

one, and then wrote on the side...

"Could not connect to translator service."

-Crap.

-And then said,

"Oh, welcome to Could Not Connect To Translator Service,

"for all your hair-care needs."

In China, this show's called Megabus Man Make Ha-ha News.

APPLAUSE

OK, your answer is 49 years.

What is the question?

Is it, "How long does it take to get home on the night bus now that Uber's been suspended?"

Is it, "If you book a two-week holiday, flying Ryanair...

"..how long should you take off work just to make sure you get back?"

Is it, "At what age will I finally be beach-body ready?"

Is it, "At what point in the Hundred Years War did the general say,

"Come on, lads, nearly halfway through, come on!"?

Does anyone know the actual correct answer, please?

-Yes.

-"When will Brexit happen?"

Is it, "What's the world record for staying under a desk, that I'm going to break now?"

APPLAUSE

-I think he means it.

-Yep, he does.

All I want now is for Hugh's face to go, "Ooh!"

LAUGHTER

That was a chilling insight to your facial expressions, by the way.

LAUGHTER

In all seriousness, could you come out again?

But then I won't get the record, Dara.

OK, you won't get the record, OK.

-I'll look ridiculous!

-There isn't enough paper, Milton, you will struggle.

For continuity, we really need you to come back out again.

-Nice try, Dara.

-We just need a Milton whisperer.

You said if I wore green, we'd celebrate St Patrick's Day.

And everyone would dress the same.

Milton, get out from under the goddamn desk.

LAUGHTER

This is ten minutes of the Christmas special!

Dara wears gold shoes, everyone!

-Is the answer, "How long are we going to be here?"

-Yay!

APPLAUSE

No, I actually quite like... I just

like the stately way that

the no-nose penguin just,

if you let him go even for a second...

Then he's just so funny on his tiny stumps there.

This may be a personal question...

-Yes?

-Are these your closest friends?

These are my special Christmas friends.

-And... There he goes again.

-He's good.

OK, so we do our annual Christmas quiz.

What were the first ever Christmas crackers called?

Were they called

rolled-up-Christmas-explosive-paper things?

Yes, not far off, actually.

-Christmas bangers!

-Very close.

They were called bangs of expectation.

I've had a few of them.

We've all...

Followed by the clean-up of remorse.

The towel wipe of, "Ugh, it'll do."

Bangs of expectation,

they were launched by a London sweetmaker called Tom Smith in 1860.

Tom Smith died cos two people pulled him in half, did you know that?

Jingle Bells was the first song to be played where?

At my christening.

Wasn't even a Christmas birth, was it?

No, it wasn't even Christmas, it was my dad's favourite song.

-What year we talking about?

-We're talking about 1965.

-Radio 1.

-December, 1965.

-Jingle Bells was first written in 1965?

No, it wasn't written...

No, no-one said that, no-one said that, "When was Jingle Bells...?"

Jingle Bells was the first song to be played where?

-In 1965?

-It happened to happen in 1965.

The where is important.

OK, so Jingle Bells, written in 1965, played

for the first time where...

No, not that Jingle Bells was...!

Oh, my God, it's not the first time Jingle Bells was played...

-Sure.

-..but it was the first song of any kind to be played...

-Radio 1.

-Not Radio 1.

Santa Claus' workshop.

-No.

-Radio 1 was '67, so what's before that?

Oh, Jesus, not Radio 1. It's not...

-I love it when that vein pops on your forehead.

-BBC...

-We're trying so hard!

-What do I do?

What are the things I talk about?

-Stars. The Sky At Night.

-Irish. Robots!

-The moon!

Robot Wars! It's the first song to be played on the first episode of Robot Wars,

-1965, BBC Two!

-APPLAUSE

-No, no...

-Was it the first song ever to be played on a Megabus?

No!

-Ireland.

-No!

You think we waited until 1965 in Ireland to sing any songs?

That Ireland had no songs until 1965, when we sang Jingle Bells,

and then it all gushed forth?

All those rebel songs we talked about singing,

but never felt to put a tune to them?

Was it in orbit or something like that?

Oh, what was that?

-In orbit?

-Absolutely right, well done.

In space. APPLAUSE

My very first Christmas tree I ever had to buy, it was in a Budgens,

and they had them all out on the pavement.

So, I picked the best one, there was one good one, I got that,

and I took it into Budgens and had to go through all the aisles,

and then I was nearly at the till, and someone came up to me and said,

"You are not supposed to bring them into Budgens.

"You're got to leave them out there,

"and you take the barcode from the top of the tree and then you take...

"This is really wrong, what you've done."

So I took it all the way out again, I got the barcode off, went in,

paid for it, came all the way out, and the tree had gone.

I looked back in the Budgens, and I could see the top of my tree just bobbing...

..through the aisles.

-Kind of like Jaws?

-Yeah.

Exactly like Jaws, actually.

And then I had to follow the pine needles and I found the guy,

and it was a man with his two kids, I'd say about five and seven,

you know, the age when Christmas is everything.

And I was like, "Sir, that's my Christmas tree."

And then he looked in his trolley and he went,

"It's not your Christmas tree. Oh, I suppose that's your lasagne, is it, as well, in my trolley?"

I was like, "No. That's not my lasagne.

"That's my Christmas tree, I already paid for it."

He went, "Oh, yeah? I guess you've paid for this lasagne, as well?"

I said, "Sir, the lasagne is... I don't know why you're side-tracking us every time.

"The lasagne is neither here nor there.

"You're meant to take the barcode off the tree, and then you take it to the till,

"and then you pay for it there."

And he picked up the lasagne and he looked at the back of it and went,

"Just checking you didn't steal the barcode off my lasagne, as well."

And then the same member of staff came over and said to him,

"You are supposed to actually take the barcode off, and he's right,

"He bought the tree and it's not yours."

So he handed me the tree.

Here's a tip for you all, if someone is handing you a Christmas tree -

don't look their children in the eyes...

..as you're receiving the tree.

Because I saw they're all sad, and I was like, "Oh...

"Fuck them." And then I took the tree.

And then I stole his lasagne.

APPLAUSE

Our next round is called Newsreel.

We play a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news,

and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.

This week's clip features the President of the United States.

"Oh, my God, who's this?

"Angela, I know I said drop in whenever,

"but I am literally popping out to get a Christmas present for Kim Jong-un.

"He's going to love it, it goes bang and it has his name on it,

"so we have to be super-quick, so smile for the camera."

"#statesman."

"OK, this is the fastest press conference in history.

"My microphone doesn't seem to be working, Donald."

"No. OK..."

"I ordered the pepperoni, you did not give me the pepperoni.

"Why would you deliver me a Mexican Hot?

"I do not like Mejico, do not like chilli,

"I do not like the little thing you do with the beef.

"Vladimir, is that you listening in again?

"Oh, nasty, nasty, nasty rain.

"Melania, stop the rain.

"I have to get ready for my speech, I need some practice.

"OK. Now is the winter of my distant content.

"That was a brilliant line, I just thought of that, I just wrote that.

"I have a dream.

"That's a beautiful line, it's so difficult to choose when you're so good at speechifying.

"OK, I am the best President ever, I'm better than Roosevelt,

"I am better than Kennedy, I am better than Morgan Freeman.

"Merry Christmas."

Thank you very much, Hugh.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What's good news for wine lovers this festive season?

It's available in three flavours - red, white and the lame one.

-Rose?

-Yeah.

Ugh, you monster.

I don't think much of the rose in the dentists, though.

I mean, it's a bad time to give it to you, as well.

"I don't want a drink! This is not a time to get me drunk.

"Look, it's going everywhere!

"This is the worst date I've ever been on!"

No, this, apparently, is what all homes should be having now,

which is an advent calendar of wine.

That is one of the bleakest things I've ever seen in my life.

I think if you say, "Kids, kids, kids!

It's..." Where's the first? "Oh, kids, happy Christmas,

"what's Santa got for you today?

"Some red!"

Oh, my God!

Yeah, every day you get...

-Anyone want some Merlot?

-I mean, there are alcoholics all across this country

going, "What? It's a chocolate calendar."

And then just hiding that in their lounge room.

"Oh, sorry, Mummy's drunk three days ahead again."

Oh, there would be nothing worse than refilling the tiny bottles the day before.

"I've got to keep Christmas alive.

"Can't let the magic die!"

Would you like to taste some of the wine?

Oh, hello, there's a tiny sparkly one. For the ladies!

See you later!

Aldi, yes, Aldi are doing this.

-Some Sauvignon blanc for yourself?

-Yeah, why not?

-For the drive home.

I want to see what the most Christmassy one is.

Where's the 24th gone?

-Oh, there it is.

-Have they got one which is chewing gum,

so you can get in the car without suspicion?

That is a...

Oh, look at that, some...

It should have a little breathalyser on the side.

-Dara, is that screw-top champagne?

-Yes, it is!

He's going straight out of the bottle!

-Really classy.

-Oh, wow, that is...

Ooh!

OK, how do we put this down? So, anyway, yes.

I imagine Dara's going to be very trigger-happy on the buzzer later.

"Buzz, buzz! Hate it! Buzz, buzz!"

As well as throwing bottles over.

"Here's a scene I'd like to see - fuck the lot of you!

"Who's going to come to the mark next, bitches?"

According to scientists, what does having a square head signify?

-More sex drive than people with round heads?

-Yes.

Didn't they say that square-headed people are more likely to be unfaithful?

-Unfaithful, yeah, higher sex drive.

-Do you know who I feel sorry for?

Bert. Because Ernie must have been getting it all.

Beaker? Poor old Beaker.

Oh, no chance, mate.

I've been out with some square-headed men,

you've just got to roll the dice, haven't you?

APPLAUSE

-Very good.

-Have you ever seen the programme Eggheads?

-Yeah.

-Because none of them are sexy.

-It's a programme you should never appear on.

-Absolute dweebos.

Wayne Rooney's going to love it, isn't he? He's going to be like, "It's not my fault, it's me head!"

I don't understand this, cos he's got one of the roundest...

-He's got a really round head.

-Just don't do the accent.

I have got a very angular head,

I don't know whether it's square or not.

-It's square!

-My nickname at school - amongst many others,

one of them was Snowplough.

Because...

Because he LOVED cocaine.

APPLAUSE

I mean, the rest of the pupils LIKED it...

But you - you were a machine for the cocaine, weren't you, at school?

"Here he comes, absolutely coked off his nut again."

Morning registration.

"Sir, sir, I've got an idea for a film...

"I've wrote a script, maybe you'd like to read it."

"This is woodwork class, Dennis!"

I've never taken cocaine,

and a friend of mine described me as wasting my nose.

Because apparently this is an absolute cocaine guzzler.

I don't quite know how this got onto cocaine.

You know how it did, Snowplough!

What they worked out was,

because of the shape of my chin and my cheekbones,

if you pushed me along the playground on a snowy day,

the chin would scoop up the snow, and it would all funnel...

You say that they work this out, just purely theoretically or...?

They pushed me along the playground.

So the snow would go up your nose...

-..is the story you're telling us.

-Yes.

These programmes about the news are fantastic.

Right, how are presents delivered to children in the Catalonian region of Spain?

Is it a saint of some sort?

-It's not a saint, no.

-It's a small, Catalan man?

It's not. This is Caga Tio, he is a Christmas log.

Literally, a Christmas Log.

What, he brings the presents?

Well, he brings presents...

What they do is, they sit him down. It's going to be difficult to demonstrate this.

The Catalan children tap him, they tap him.

-They hit him with a stick?

-They hit him with a little stick. They hit him with a little stick.

-And then they set fire to him.

-And then they sing the song of,

"Poo, log - poo nougat, hazelnuts and cheese curd.

"If you don't poo well, I'll hit you with a stick. Poo, log."

That's what they sing. Oh!

The rest of Spain are really going to miss them.

And then what they do is then they pull back the blanket,

and there are presents and toys.

I thought you meant, like, iPads and toys like that, that it shat out...

How would a log of wood shit out an iPad?

How does it shit out anything?!

This is at least slightly more likely than...

You said presents, you didn't specify little shoe...

I think you've got enough to worry about, just shitting it out -

he's got to build electronics in his ass?

I've got a bang-up idea for Apple's next launch.

Just Tim Cook comes out, he's like, "Urgh...!

I'll have to put it down, because obviously for continuity,

in case we don't include the shitting tree.

Why would you not include the shitting tree?

I have no idea. I think they should be on...

I don't know when this special's on,

the entire family doesn't gather around at 3:10,

after the Queen does her bit, we arrive out with a shitting tree.

I tell you what I seem to have received for Christmas,

and that is an urgent need for a raging piss.

Then we shall promptly move on. Right.

To be fair, he has been waiting since September.

What has been developed by scientists -

possibly the same ones - to make people more confident at work?

-Jagerbombs.

-Yes.

This is a coolness test, isn't it?

But the thing that really worries me about this is it's been developed by scientists.

For whom coolness is whether or not you can maybe talk to a girl.

Are we really in a position to complain about how uncool scientists are?

Compared to us.

We ARE the coolest!

What, what...?

-Hugh, how many kids have you got?

-Two.

Hugh's had sex.

APPLAUSE

Meanwhile, what have scientists...

They're not the same ones, it's not the same three...

Take a day off!

..that crashed the spacecraft...

-Meanwhile, what...

-You want to do that again without burping?

I love that Theresa May's doing so badly that this is a chance for stars

from the past to get back in the limelight again.

I'm just waiting for, tell you what, Samantha Brex... Fuck, never mind.

I was going to say Samantha Mumba, but I changed her name to Brexit.

Isn't that Boris Johnson's drag name?

Nish, please don't be funny about my mistake -

that means it'll be in the show.

APPLAUSE

OK, the first subject is...

BUZZER

That was early.

He's got a lot of faith, hasn't he?

In other news, according to scientists,

what does having a square head signify?

-Massive sex drive.

-Yes.

-Oh, an answer?

-MASSIVE sex drive.

-He just did an answer.

According to scientists, what does having a square head signify?

I think it's massive sex drive.

It is. Weird, isn't it?

-MASSIVE sex drive.

-Massive sex drive, yeah.

-Massive.

-Abnormally large sex drive.

It's a different answer, to this one -

what initial plan for Corbyn's arrival did organisers scrap?

You're right, a massive sex drive.

That's bad news, because I answered that question earlier on, and

that lets me know my joke's getting edited out.

Oh, sorry, can you sit up as if you haven't just done the show, and you're in...?

We won't kiss on the lips, but imagine it like this, right?

-Christmas kiss, Christmas kiss!

-Just warming up a little.

So, "Hi, Hugh, great to see you.

-Hi...

-And then you go to kiss me on that side, and I go to...

But we think we're going to do a double kiss...

No, hang on, hang on. No, I go to kiss you on that side...

I'm sure the original thing...

I actually went to kiss you on the lips there and you resisted.

-Oh, OK.

-No, Hugh, it's ruined!

It's like all my dates.

This is the worst Christmas ever!

What piece of history, by the way, has Britain made during this

-tournament?

-Pardon me?

-What piece of history has Britain...

Could you not mumble when you're asking us questions, please?

How do you expect us to answer questions if you're going to mumble?

What piece of history did Britain make during this tournament?

"Which piece of history"?

What an odd way of phrasing that.

-It's unusual, isn't it? But that's the way we talk.

-What piece of history did Britain make?

-Yes.

-Yes! Jeez!

-Do you mean, "In what way did Britain make history?"

Is that perhaps the phrase you're...?

Not really, because it doesn't... In fact, honestly...

How well have domestic players performed at this tournament?

Oh, my God. Well, they've made history.

They've made history.

Now, ladies, you know what time it is.

Time to pour yourself a glass of wine, light some candles,

cos next up, it's Dara O Briain's Go 8-bit.

-That, that is... That is unlikely, Ed.

-Unlikely.

-Correct.

Remaining in Europe, what are the French facing a shortage of?

-Croissants.

-Indeed, croissants.

-Why are they facing a shortage of croissants?

-They've run out of butter.

-They have, why?

Cos of Last Tango In Paris.

OK, then I shall ask the most obvious question, then -

how can a Scandinavian child win a marzipan pig at Christmas?

By killing someone and it being turned into a Scandi-noir detective drama.

No, no, that's not it. You're in some pain and discomfort now at this

stage, I'd imagine, so...

They piss it, they piss it out.

I'm currently imagining just, like, pissing presents out my dick.

All right, someone give me the stick.

Shall I tell them? They win the marzipan pig...

In fact, I will show you the marzipan pig.

This is the marzipan pig in question.

Although, obviously, it's different for...

I don't know where it is. There he is.

He looks like Michael Gove.

By finding a single almond, the

-single almond in a bowl of rice pudding.

-I've played this!

-Have you done this?!

-So, it's this big sort of rice pudding-y

dessert that comes out, and there's one almond in it.

And one of these contains an almond.

-No, they don't all contain almonds?

-I haven't eaten sugar since July, so this...

Oh, mush it around, jeez,

I'm not going to put you into a shock.

What happens when someone finds it?

Just say it, rather than...

I've found the almond!

No, you haven't, I've got it in my mouth!

Bravo, you've found the almond.

You liar and cheat.

-But I've found an almond.

-Hang on, what?

-I've found an almond.

-That's not an almond.

Ah, shit, we've only got one marzipan pig.

I assumed it was a whole almond.

-Yeah, it is.

-Do you know, I kind of thought that, as well,

but it's not been fully explained to me.

-This reminds me...

-Is there a whole almond in one of these?

There was a bullet in mine, is that relevant?

No, it's got flaked almonds in!

Right. My hands are going in.

-Fair enough.

-That's actually happening.

Also, can you tell them, send a mop down?

I pissed myself about two minutes ago.

Bravo, Glenn. Glenn, you have found the almond.

I'm really competitive, I can't rest!

Stop feeling your food.

You've found the almond.

Therefore, by all the great Norwegian traditions,

we present you with this marzipan pig.

Glenn Moore, thank you very much, well done.

-And that makes you winners of this year's Christmas...

-Congratulations!

Thank you very much.

The next topic is...

Yeah, I'll be chauffeuring Eamon all through December.

That's right, I'm driving Holmes for Christmas.

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-Yes, that's right. It is plum pudding.

And from my voice, you can probably work out whose plums they used.

-COCKNEY ACCENT:

-Happy Christmas, you bunch of Muppets!

Danny Dyer stars in a Muppets' Christmas Carol.

Well, it's soaked in brandy.

Let's get it lit and we can pretend she fell asleep watching telly.

The wise men were actually late for the birth,

cos wise man Dara saw the star and wouldn't stop banging on about

space for three and a half hours.

I think it's best for everyone this Christmas

if we take Chris Rea's car keys away.

No, Grandad, I'm absolutely fascinated to listen to you talk

about the Islamic faith. You're so alive to its subtleties and nuances.

My goodness, that's an enormous pile under the tree.

When did you have it removed, Grandad?

Oh, we're under the mistletoe, I think you know what that means!

I've locked us outside again, haven't I?

No, I love it when your parents come home for Christmas.

I just wish we couldn't hear them through the ceiling.

I can't believe there's this many needles under the tree already.

We're really going to have to talk to Grandma about her heroin habit.

Wow, ABBA's greatest hits!

Oh, no, it's a video of

assassinations by PLO leader Mahmoud Abbas.

OK, charades, then, right, OK.

Two words, OK. You're going to do the whole thing?

OK. It's the Human Centipede.

Grandma, stop!

"You there, boy, tell me, what day is it?"

"Why, sir, it's the first day of the DFS sofa sale!"

OK, the next topic is...

He pressed his lips to hers and slid his tongue in.

"That's not how you're supposed to do it!", shouted the other paramedic.

He kissed her breast, tenderly.

"Oi," she said, "Get your own KFC bucket."

"Mr Darcy is the most eligible bachelor in the county,"

said Mrs Bennett.

"And he's hung like a fucking carthorse!"

Everything was in place.

The bubble bath had been poured.

The chocolate was there. The scented candles have been lit.

This was going to be the best wank ever.

He put the chocolates down beside her.

Silence. And then at last she spoke.

"Unexpected item in the bagging area."

She had never had a menage a trois before,

let alone with two famous brothers.

They drove her wild all night with their cries of,

"To me! To you! To me, to you! To me!"

Sophie looked absolutely beautiful in her flowing wedding dress.

Admittedly, it was an odd choice to wear on a first date.

"Oh, Mr Darcy, you're so becoming!"

"Really?", he replied, "Because I think it's you that will BE COMING!"

"I want to see you shit in this bin."

That...

..does fulfil the criteria.

-I think that's one for the Christmas special, isn't it?

-I think it is.

Yeah. It's a festive one, there.

Should have said "happy Christmas" at the end.

"When they left the bar, she saw him in a new light.

"Daylight, and he was disgusting."

Good night, goodbye, merry Christmas all from us at Mock The Week.

Have a wonderful Christmas, goodbye, have a lovely time.

-Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas, everybody.

Merry Christmas, as the happy penguin falls.

Oh!

-I've found the almond.

-You found the almond!

Man!

-Don't!

-Put it back!

Fuck you.