Episode 1 Mongrels
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Transcript
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|---|---|---|---|
This programme contains some strong language. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:06 | |
Are you my special little baba? | 0:00:06 | 0:00:08 | |
Margaret. My silver-haired princess. | 0:00:08 | 0:00:11 | |
I am anything you want me to be. | 0:00:11 | 0:00:13 | |
Oh, there's a clever little baba. | 0:00:13 | 0:00:16 | |
And OK, I'm not your first cat. I've come to terms with this. | 0:00:16 | 0:00:20 | |
There'll always be a place in your heart for Mr Whiskers, | 0:00:20 | 0:00:24 | |
the tabby-coloured cocksucker. | 0:00:24 | 0:00:26 | |
But us. I feel like a kitten again, and I really think you could be the... | 0:00:26 | 0:00:31 | |
SHE SCREAMS Margaret? | 0:00:31 | 0:00:32 | |
Margaret... | 0:00:33 | 0:00:35 | |
MARGARET! | 0:00:36 | 0:00:39 | |
HE BLOWS | 0:00:39 | 0:00:42 | |
Breathe! Don't you die on me, old girl! | 0:00:42 | 0:00:45 | |
-Let her go, Marion. It's too late. -You don't know! You're not doctor! | 0:00:45 | 0:00:49 | |
-No. But then it has been four months. -Seriously? | 0:00:49 | 0:00:53 | |
-Wow. Because that totally flew by. -Hmm. | 0:00:55 | 0:00:58 | |
So...if you're finished. It's just, you know, getting kind of hungry. | 0:01:00 | 0:01:04 | |
Oh, yeah. Sure. Go to town. | 0:01:04 | 0:01:06 | |
No, come on man, that's disrespectful. | 0:01:08 | 0:01:11 | |
Well, might as well just come out with it. I'm in love! | 0:01:21 | 0:01:24 | |
-With a human woman! -Hold up, Nelson. | 0:01:24 | 0:01:27 | |
Where did you get the laptop? | 0:01:27 | 0:01:28 | |
Hmm? Oh, Tesco. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:30 | |
I hid in the bushes, snuck in at closing time, went to the computer department. | 0:01:30 | 0:01:34 | |
Then took a CD, then used it to jimmy open the till, | 0:01:34 | 0:01:36 | |
then nicked all the Computers For Schools vouchers. | 0:01:36 | 0:01:39 | |
-Then set up a fake school. -Right. -I mean it was a heck of a lot of work. | 0:01:39 | 0:01:43 | |
And Ofsted was an absolute bloody nightmare. | 0:01:43 | 0:01:45 | |
You're such a cock-end. | 0:01:45 | 0:01:47 | |
But it was worth it to meet Wendy. She runs this Il Divo fansite. | 0:01:47 | 0:01:50 | |
She's sweet, she's clever... | 0:01:50 | 0:01:52 | |
Not that clever if she's, for instance, talking to a fox on the Internet. | 0:01:52 | 0:01:56 | |
Ah, thing is, Kali. Haven't actually mentioned the whole fox thing. | 0:01:56 | 0:02:02 | |
She thinks you're Toby Anstis? | 0:02:02 | 0:02:04 | |
She doesn't think I'm not Toby Anstis. | 0:02:04 | 0:02:07 | |
-So what else have you used his name for? -Nothing! | 0:02:07 | 0:02:10 | |
God, why all the suspicion? | 0:02:10 | 0:02:12 | |
36 quid to Duchy Originals? | 0:02:16 | 0:02:19 | |
Duchy biscuit anyone? | 0:02:20 | 0:02:22 | |
Marion! Long time no see. Let me guess. | 0:02:23 | 0:02:26 | |
-The old rogue got tired of being tied down to one woman, eh? -Yes. | 0:02:26 | 0:02:30 | |
Also she did the Christopher Reeve down the stairs and died. | 0:02:30 | 0:02:33 | |
-So, what I miss? -Oh, nothing much. | 0:02:33 | 0:02:36 | |
I took Vince to a swanky wine bar. | 0:02:36 | 0:02:39 | |
I think we're onto a winner here, Vince. | 0:02:39 | 0:02:42 | |
Play it nice and cool, son, nice and cool. | 0:02:42 | 0:02:45 | |
And we set ourselves up in the chandelier cleaning business. | 0:02:46 | 0:02:50 | |
Brace yourself, Destiny. | 0:02:50 | 0:02:52 | |
TINKLING | 0:02:52 | 0:02:54 | |
LOUD CRASH | 0:02:54 | 0:02:55 | |
And then, sadly, my uncle died. | 0:02:55 | 0:02:58 | |
Albert? | 0:02:58 | 0:03:00 | |
The joy just seemed to go out of it really. | 0:03:02 | 0:03:04 | |
Well, I would say it's good to be home. | 0:03:04 | 0:03:07 | |
But that would be horrible lies. | 0:03:07 | 0:03:09 | |
-< -Destiny! Time for your appointment. | 0:03:09 | 0:03:11 | |
Oh, God. It's Wednesday. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:13 | |
OMG, it's Wednesday! Oh! | 0:03:13 | 0:03:16 | |
Don't just stand there, you stupid bastard! | 0:03:16 | 0:03:18 | |
Don't you know what Wednesday means?! | 0:03:18 | 0:03:21 | |
-HE CHOKES -Nigel Slater's Simple Suppers? | 0:03:21 | 0:03:24 | |
Worse. Even worse than that. | 0:03:24 | 0:03:26 | |
-Guys, gals, doggies, welcome back to Strictly Dog Dancing! -You know what? | 0:03:26 | 0:03:33 | |
I hope you get renal failure. | 0:03:33 | 0:03:35 | |
Really, I do. | 0:03:35 | 0:03:36 | |
As always, me and Sparky will kick things off with a demonstration. | 0:03:36 | 0:03:40 | |
Isn't that right, Sparky? | 0:03:40 | 0:03:41 | |
-That is correct, Dale. Yes. -Two, three, four! | 0:03:41 | 0:03:45 | |
# We've got to all stick together | 0:03:45 | 0:03:47 | |
# Good friends are there for each other | 0:03:47 | 0:03:50 | |
# Never ever forget that | 0:03:50 | 0:03:52 | |
# I've got you and you've got me | 0:03:52 | 0:03:57 | |
# So reach for the stars | 0:03:57 | 0:04:01 | |
# Climb every mountain higher | 0:04:01 | 0:04:04 | |
# Reach for the stars | 0:04:04 | 0:04:07 | |
# Follow your heart's desire... # | 0:04:07 | 0:04:09 | |
Look at these LOSERS! | 0:04:09 | 0:04:11 | |
Seriously, most people have to fly a plane into a building | 0:04:11 | 0:04:14 | |
before they're surrounded by this many virgins. | 0:04:14 | 0:04:17 | |
# ..that's when your dreams will all come true. # | 0:04:19 | 0:04:21 | |
Thank you! | 0:04:21 | 0:04:22 | |
Who's a good little boy then? | 0:04:22 | 0:04:25 | |
Is it Sparky? | 0:04:25 | 0:04:27 | |
Well, not one to blow my own trumpet, Dale, but yes, it is me! | 0:04:27 | 0:04:32 | |
Now then, guys and gals, your turn! In fact...Gary. Come on up here. | 0:04:32 | 0:04:35 | |
No! Oh, for the love of God! | 0:04:35 | 0:04:38 | |
-No! -SHE CHOKES | 0:04:38 | 0:04:40 | |
Hope you're ready, love. I want to see those fleckerls! | 0:04:40 | 0:04:43 | |
This is so cruel! Like when I was a pup and you rubbed my nose in it! | 0:04:43 | 0:04:48 | |
Though, in fairness, I have rubbed your nose in it. | 0:04:48 | 0:04:51 | |
# You've got a dead wife | 0:04:53 | 0:04:55 | |
# You've got a dead wife... # | 0:04:55 | 0:04:57 | |
SHE CHOKES Two, three, four. | 0:04:57 | 0:04:59 | |
# Good friends are there for each other | 0:04:59 | 0:05:02 | |
# Never ever forget that | 0:05:02 | 0:05:04 | |
# I've got you and you've got me | 0:05:04 | 0:05:09 | |
# So reach for the stars... # | 0:05:09 | 0:05:12 | |
Step step through the legs! When she does it, | 0:05:12 | 0:05:14 | |
little treat. | 0:05:14 | 0:05:16 | |
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate... | 0:05:16 | 0:05:18 | |
Oh, doggy chocolate. | 0:05:18 | 0:05:19 | |
HE SIGHS | 0:05:25 | 0:05:27 | |
I want to join your evil scheme. | 0:05:27 | 0:05:29 | |
Sure. Just make a cheque out to Tom Cruise, we'll send you a fact pack. | 0:05:29 | 0:05:33 | |
-What? -Sorry, which evil scheme do you mean? | 0:05:33 | 0:05:35 | |
You know, get in with some old lady, bump her off and take her money. | 0:05:35 | 0:05:39 | |
-We could be the biggest thing since Harold Shipman and Snowdrop. -Snowdrop? | 0:05:39 | 0:05:43 | |
MUSIC: "Oh Fortuna" by Carl Orff | 0:05:43 | 0:05:46 | |
"..being of sound mind does hereby..." | 0:05:49 | 0:05:52 | |
Oi, Harry, how do you spell 'bequeath'? | 0:05:52 | 0:05:55 | |
So, this stupid bastard's gone AWOL, yeah? | 0:05:57 | 0:06:00 | |
You turn up, say it's you. | 0:06:00 | 0:06:02 | |
But he looks nothing like me! | 0:06:02 | 0:06:04 | |
-He has a slightly lazy eye. -Got it covered. | 0:06:04 | 0:06:07 | |
Just focus on my beak, | 0:06:07 | 0:06:11 | |
on my beak, | 0:06:11 | 0:06:13 | |
on my beak, | 0:06:13 | 0:06:14 | |
on my beak, on my beak, | 0:06:14 | 0:06:17 | |
on my beak, on my beak... | 0:06:17 | 0:06:21 | |
and wok! | 0:06:21 | 0:06:23 | |
HE CHUCKLES | 0:06:23 | 0:06:25 | |
-Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are you going? -To meet Wendy. | 0:06:25 | 0:06:28 | |
-You're meeting an actual human woman? -Mm-hm. | 0:06:28 | 0:06:31 | |
-But you're a fox! -In a tie. | 0:06:31 | 0:06:34 | |
-She's not going to want YOU! -Well, you know what? I don't care! | 0:06:34 | 0:06:38 | |
I just want to...smell her. | 0:06:38 | 0:06:40 | |
Just once. | 0:06:40 | 0:06:42 | |
So, did it work?! | 0:06:42 | 0:06:44 | |
Russell Howard! What in the name of Marty Feldman happened to your eye? | 0:06:44 | 0:06:48 | |
Why are you both wearing ties? | 0:06:48 | 0:06:50 | |
Clever little Destiny! | 0:06:55 | 0:06:57 | |
That's really cheered me up! | 0:06:57 | 0:06:58 | |
Yeah, funny, isn't it, fat arse? | 0:06:58 | 0:07:00 | |
Let's see who's laughing when I pee on Helen's grave. | 0:07:00 | 0:07:03 | |
NEW YORK ACCENT: What's a nice girl like you doing at a municipal adult education centre like this? | 0:07:03 | 0:07:09 | |
Who? Me? Oh, nothing. | 0:07:09 | 0:07:10 | |
We're just...hanging out. Playing a bit of pool. | 0:07:10 | 0:07:13 | |
Great footwork, Destiny, might want to work on those rondes... | 0:07:13 | 0:07:16 | |
GO AWAY! How about you? | 0:07:16 | 0:07:18 | |
Oh. I'm in for Dog Obedience. | 0:07:18 | 0:07:20 | |
-It was either this or a one-way ticket to Battersea. -Whoa! | 0:07:20 | 0:07:24 | |
Sorry to ask. | 0:07:24 | 0:07:26 | |
Are you doing a bit of wee right now? | 0:07:26 | 0:07:28 | |
Sweetheart, do I look like a market stall holder to you? | 0:07:28 | 0:07:31 | |
-No. -Exactly. That's why I do all my business indoors. | 0:07:31 | 0:07:35 | |
SHE LAUGHS | 0:07:35 | 0:07:38 | |
Anyway, I'd better scoot. | 0:07:38 | 0:07:41 | |
-Oh, my God, you're itching your arse on the carpet! -Oh, yeah. | 0:07:41 | 0:07:44 | |
Sticking it to the man. | 0:07:44 | 0:07:46 | |
Gary... Don't look now, I think I'm in love! | 0:07:46 | 0:07:52 | |
-HE GASPS -You... | 0:07:59 | 0:08:01 | |
My Wendy! | 0:08:01 | 0:08:02 | |
And what a body! Right up my street, because I'm a real leg man. | 0:08:02 | 0:08:08 | |
Preferably four as a rule, but... | 0:08:08 | 0:08:10 | |
Sorry. Might sound weird, but have you seen Toby Anstis? | 0:08:10 | 0:08:13 | |
Hold up. You're Wendy? | 0:08:13 | 0:08:16 | |
Oh, great. 20-mile round trip from Crawley, Toby Anstis is a bloody fox! | 0:08:16 | 0:08:22 | |
Wow. Guess we've both been rumbled. | 0:08:22 | 0:08:25 | |
-Boy is my face red! -And I mean us two, you know, probably shouldn't even be talking to each other! | 0:08:25 | 0:08:30 | |
God, no. Oh, well, we'll just have to chalk it up to experience. | 0:08:30 | 0:08:33 | |
-No more lying. So... -HE LAUGHS | 0:08:33 | 0:08:37 | |
I didn't lie about Il Divo. | 0:08:37 | 0:08:39 | |
HE GASPS | 0:08:39 | 0:08:40 | |
-Who's your favourite? -Gosh, they've all got such different personalities. | 0:08:40 | 0:08:45 | |
I'd have to say...Carlos. | 0:08:45 | 0:08:48 | |
Is the correct answer! | 0:08:48 | 0:08:49 | |
Um, OK, look, you've come a long way, | 0:08:49 | 0:08:52 | |
I'm all dolled up... How about a bite to eat? | 0:08:52 | 0:08:56 | |
Erm. OK. | 0:08:56 | 0:08:58 | |
Great. There's actually a Nando's just around the...sorry, sorry, didn't think. | 0:08:58 | 0:09:03 | |
DOORBELL RINGS | 0:09:03 | 0:09:05 | |
Hello. For it's me, Chopsticks, your loveably cross-eyed cat! | 0:09:05 | 0:09:10 | |
Oh! My baby! You've come home! | 0:09:10 | 0:09:14 | |
Indeed I have. | 0:09:14 | 0:09:15 | |
Now bring on the sweetmeats! | 0:09:15 | 0:09:18 | |
Sorted. Now let's make like a clairvoyant... | 0:09:18 | 0:09:22 | |
and rob an old lady. | 0:09:22 | 0:09:25 | |
# Today this could be | 0:09:26 | 0:09:28 | |
# The greatest day of our lives | 0:09:28 | 0:09:33 | |
# Today this could be | 0:09:33 | 0:09:37 | |
# The greatest day of our lives | 0:09:37 | 0:09:42 | |
# Oh | 0:09:44 | 0:09:46 | |
# And the world comes alive | 0:09:46 | 0:09:50 | |
# And the world comes alive | 0:09:50 | 0:09:54 | |
# And the world comes alive | 0:09:54 | 0:09:58 | |
# Oh oh oh-oh | 0:09:58 | 0:10:01 | |
# Stay close to me | 0:10:01 | 0:10:04 | |
# Hold on Stay close to me | 0:10:04 | 0:10:08 | |
# Watch the world come alive tonight | 0:10:08 | 0:10:14 | |
# Stay close to me | 0:10:14 | 0:10:17 | |
# Oh stay close to me | 0:10:17 | 0:10:21 | |
# And the world comes alive... # | 0:10:21 | 0:10:26 | |
I just want to say...thank you. | 0:10:26 | 0:10:29 | |
Thank you for an amazing day. | 0:10:29 | 0:10:31 | |
Pleasure. I mean, how can it be wrong for a fox to fall in love with a chicken... | 0:10:31 | 0:10:35 | |
In love? | 0:10:35 | 0:10:37 | |
-Er, what I meant to say was... -Don't say anything. Just kiss me. | 0:10:37 | 0:10:40 | |
-Cuddle? -Cuddle. | 0:10:46 | 0:10:47 | |
Mmm! Seriously, Ruth, | 0:10:52 | 0:10:54 | |
wonderful technique. | 0:10:54 | 0:10:57 | |
I'm off to see Freddie the magpie. | 0:10:57 | 0:10:58 | |
See if I can't fence this lot on. | 0:10:58 | 0:11:00 | |
You are a depraved bird of hate. Get out of my sight! | 0:11:00 | 0:11:04 | |
Oh, don't worry, Marion. You won't be seeing me again for some time. | 0:11:04 | 0:11:08 | |
I bid you adieu. | 0:11:08 | 0:11:11 | |
Cannot believe this. A new owner and, for once, there's no catch! | 0:11:13 | 0:11:18 | |
You were a naughty boy to run away, Chopsticks. | 0:11:20 | 0:11:24 | |
But I know why you did it. | 0:11:24 | 0:11:27 | |
You didn't want your little baubles cut off, did you? | 0:11:27 | 0:11:31 | |
-But now that you're home, we can get you neutered first thing in the morning. -Huh? | 0:11:31 | 0:11:36 | |
OK, that's the catch, right there. | 0:11:36 | 0:11:39 | |
Leave me. I've got to learn. | 0:11:40 | 0:11:43 | |
..and then he just cocked it, | 0:11:44 | 0:11:46 | |
-right then and there, and did quite a big wee in a corridor. -Morten Harket! | 0:11:46 | 0:11:51 | |
I'm a wild animal, I'd never THINK about doing that inside. | 0:11:51 | 0:11:54 | |
Yeah, because he's an outlaw and you're a square. | 0:11:54 | 0:11:57 | |
I'm not a square. I break the rules. | 0:11:57 | 0:11:59 | |
-The rules of Boggle. -Still takes guts! | 0:11:59 | 0:12:02 | |
I have to find a way into that obedience class. | 0:12:02 | 0:12:05 | |
Oh, erm, talking of matters of the old heart E-T-C, | 0:12:05 | 0:12:08 | |
I've got a mate, right, and, get this, | 0:12:08 | 0:12:11 | |
er, he's a fox, and he's fallen in love with a bloody chicken! | 0:12:11 | 0:12:15 | |
And as girls, what's your, er, what's your take on it? | 0:12:15 | 0:12:18 | |
-Hold on one second. A fox... -Mm. | 0:12:18 | 0:12:20 | |
-..and a chicken? -Mm-hm. | 0:12:20 | 0:12:22 | |
BOTH: NOOOOOO! | 0:12:22 | 0:12:26 | |
BANG! | 0:12:26 | 0:12:27 | |
-Why do you ask? -Oh, you know, no reason. | 0:12:27 | 0:12:30 | |
OK, so here's a funny story. | 0:12:30 | 0:12:33 | |
-Tomorrow morning, I'm getting surgically castrated! -HE LAUGHS | 0:12:33 | 0:12:38 | |
Nothing? No? Wow, tough crowd! | 0:12:40 | 0:12:42 | |
Marion, what are you on about? | 0:12:42 | 0:12:44 | |
Er, it is Ruth. She wants me to have a little trim downstairs. | 0:12:44 | 0:12:47 | |
-So I thought, "Why not?" -Why not?! It's not like getting a haircut! | 0:12:47 | 0:12:52 | |
-They don't just grow back! -I knew that! | 0:12:52 | 0:12:55 | |
(I didn't know that.) | 0:12:55 | 0:12:56 | |
I say go for it. You know, you can achieve a hell of a lot in life without any testicles. | 0:12:56 | 0:13:01 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Buble! | 0:13:01 | 0:13:05 | |
Exactly. | 0:13:05 | 0:13:06 | |
And so, if anyone wants to see my balls for the last time, say now or forever... | 0:13:06 | 0:13:12 | |
-No. -Nah, you're good. | 0:13:12 | 0:13:14 | |
-Nelson? -Hm? | 0:13:21 | 0:13:23 | |
Why can't I meet your friends? | 0:13:23 | 0:13:24 | |
Are you... Are you ashamed of me? | 0:13:24 | 0:13:27 | |
No! God! I just want us to have some space, get to know each other first. | 0:13:27 | 0:13:31 | |
Anyway, let's Boggle! | 0:13:31 | 0:13:33 | |
-< -Nelson? | 0:13:33 | 0:13:35 | |
-< -Are you playing Boggle without me? | 0:13:35 | 0:13:37 | |
Vince! | 0:13:37 | 0:13:39 | |
Damn you, Boggle! Have I learned nothing from the cautionary tale of Anne Frank? | 0:13:39 | 0:13:43 | |
-< -Yahtzee! Oops. | 0:13:50 | 0:13:52 | |
Er, you have to hide. He'll kill you. | 0:13:52 | 0:13:55 | |
Quickly! Um, er, behind the scatter cushions! | 0:13:55 | 0:13:58 | |
-Oi oi, Nelson, you -BLEEP -wanker. -NELSON LAUGHS | 0:13:58 | 0:14:02 | |
-Yes. Nice to see you, too. -Now, what we got here, then? | 0:14:02 | 0:14:05 | |
-Well, I can make -BLEEP, BLEEP -sticks. | 0:14:05 | 0:14:09 | |
-BLEEP -lips. Um... | 0:14:09 | 0:14:11 | |
-And -BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP -jockey. -VINCE LAUGHS | 0:14:11 | 0:14:16 | |
So that's 37 points to you. | 0:14:16 | 0:14:18 | |
Hold on. I smell chicken. | 0:14:18 | 0:14:21 | |
And you know what I think about chickens, don'tcha? | 0:14:21 | 0:14:26 | |
# They're not from this country | 0:14:29 | 0:14:30 | |
# They spread dem disease | 0:14:30 | 0:14:32 | |
# They look the same and all wiggle their heads when they speak | 0:14:32 | 0:14:35 | |
# They lay loads of eggs to get free accommodation | 0:14:35 | 0:14:39 | |
-# -BLEEP -all the chickens Dem the scourge of the nation | 0:14:39 | 0:14:43 | |
-# -BLEEP -chickens | 0:14:43 | 0:14:45 | |
-# -BLEEP -'em back where they belong | 0:14:45 | 0:14:46 | |
-# -BLEEP -chickens | 0:14:46 | 0:14:48 | |
-# -BLEEP -'em all the way to Hong Kong | 0:14:48 | 0:14:50 | |
# Oh, you get loads and loads all living under one roof | 0:14:53 | 0:14:57 | |
# They're no good at flying | 0:14:57 | 0:14:58 | |
# People know the truth | 0:14:58 | 0:15:00 | |
# Channel 4 make documentaries with them all the time | 0:15:00 | 0:15:03 | |
# But no one cares about the plight of the vulpine | 0:15:03 | 0:15:07 | |
-# -BLEEP -chickens | 0:15:07 | 0:15:09 | |
-# -BLEEP -'em back where they belong | 0:15:09 | 0:15:11 | |
-# -BLEEP -chickens | 0:15:11 | 0:15:12 | |
-# -BLEEP -'em all the way to Hong Kong... # | 0:15:12 | 0:15:14 | |
All together now! | 0:15:14 | 0:15:15 | |
-# -BLEEP -chickens | 0:15:15 | 0:15:17 | |
-# -BLEEP -'em back where they belong | 0:15:17 | 0:15:19 | |
-# -BLEEP -chickens | 0:15:19 | 0:15:21 | |
-# -BLEEP -'em all the way to Hong Kong | 0:15:21 | 0:15:23 | |
-# -BLEEP -chickens | 0:15:23 | 0:15:24 | |
-# -BLEEP -'em back where they belong -BLEEP -chickens | 0:15:24 | 0:15:28 | |
-# To actually -BLEEP -a chicken would be wrong. # | 0:15:28 | 0:15:31 | |
I'm sure it wasn't intentional, but some of that sounded prejudiced. | 0:15:31 | 0:15:35 | |
So, tell me, Nelson, what's behind those scatter cushions? | 0:15:35 | 0:15:40 | |
Er, would you believe me if I said | 0:15:40 | 0:15:43 | |
feminine beauty products? | 0:15:43 | 0:15:45 | |
-Yeah. -Good. Anyway, | 0:15:46 | 0:15:48 | |
oh, goodness me, is it Doc Martin already? | 0:15:48 | 0:15:50 | |
Sod this, let's go and find some old slapper to bang. | 0:15:50 | 0:15:54 | |
Another six points. Well played. | 0:15:54 | 0:15:57 | |
Now, I'm dropping the payload on the bedspread! | 0:16:01 | 0:16:06 | |
Obedience class, here I come! SHE STRAINS | 0:16:06 | 0:16:10 | |
Wow, it is like I've landed in the middle of an R. Kelly sex tape. | 0:16:10 | 0:16:14 | |
Oi! Bit of privacy? SHE STRAINS | 0:16:14 | 0:16:17 | |
Because you're making it go back in! | 0:16:17 | 0:16:20 | |
-OK! -SHE STRAINS | 0:16:20 | 0:16:22 | |
Oh, it just feels wrong! | 0:16:22 | 0:16:24 | |
I'll have to find another way. | 0:16:24 | 0:16:26 | |
You asked for this, Gary - | 0:16:26 | 0:16:28 | |
a prolonged attack of antisocial barking. | 0:16:28 | 0:16:31 | |
Bark. Bark. Bark. | 0:16:31 | 0:16:34 | |
Bark. Bark. Bark. Bark. | 0:16:34 | 0:16:38 | |
Bark. Bark. Bark. | 0:16:38 | 0:16:40 | |
SHE SIGHS | 0:16:40 | 0:16:42 | |
Bark. Bark. Bark. | 0:16:42 | 0:16:44 | |
Bark. Bark. Bark. Bark. | 0:16:44 | 0:16:48 | |
Bark. Bark. Bark. | 0:16:48 | 0:16:50 | |
Bark. | 0:16:51 | 0:16:52 | |
GOD! This is really hard! | 0:16:52 | 0:16:55 | |
Of course, Destiny, you do realise that there is a very simple way to upset Gary. | 0:16:55 | 0:17:01 | |
I'm arresting you in connection with the ritual sacrifice of Stephen Hendry. | 0:17:01 | 0:17:05 | |
-Oh, yeah! -SHE LAUGHS | 0:17:05 | 0:17:08 | |
Kali, I am not framing him for the murder of a famous snooker player. | 0:17:08 | 0:17:12 | |
That's your answer for everything! | 0:17:12 | 0:17:14 | |
Come on, then, my little disco doggy. Shall we practise our salsa? | 0:17:14 | 0:17:17 | |
-Shall we? -Oh, get lost, Gary! Get OFF! | 0:17:17 | 0:17:20 | |
-Ow! Jesus Christ! -Oh, God... | 0:17:20 | 0:17:23 | |
Why didn't I think of this sooner? | 0:17:23 | 0:17:25 | |
SHE GROWLS | 0:17:25 | 0:17:27 | |
Oh, no, Destiny, no. No, no, the testicles, no! | 0:17:27 | 0:17:30 | |
HE SIGHS | 0:17:30 | 0:17:32 | |
So, lads, end of the line. | 0:17:32 | 0:17:35 | |
You look after each other, OK? | 0:17:35 | 0:17:36 | |
As you can see, we offer several options. | 0:17:36 | 0:17:39 | |
The platinum package, with an overnight stay and full aftercare support. | 0:17:39 | 0:17:43 | |
Let's go with that. I think we'll go with that. | 0:17:43 | 0:17:45 | |
-The gold package, as you can see, is slightly cheaper. -No, no, still the first one. | 0:17:45 | 0:17:49 | |
Or if you are on a budget, we offer a no-frills value package. | 0:17:49 | 0:17:53 | |
We are not on a budget. Money no object, right, Ruth? | 0:17:53 | 0:17:57 | |
Well, times are tight, with the economy how it is. | 0:17:57 | 0:18:00 | |
What? No, no, no! There are green shoots of recovery. | 0:18:00 | 0:18:02 | |
We are officially out of recession! | 0:18:02 | 0:18:04 | |
-I think we'll have to go with that one. -Which one? Which one? | 0:18:04 | 0:18:07 | |
If you'd just like to settle up with my receptionist. | 0:18:07 | 0:18:10 | |
Can I pay on my card? | 0:18:10 | 0:18:11 | |
Not for less than five pounds, no. | 0:18:11 | 0:18:13 | |
Less than what?! Ruth! Don't be a tightwad! | 0:18:13 | 0:18:16 | |
I'll chip in! | 0:18:16 | 0:18:18 | |
It could be my birthday present! | 0:18:18 | 0:18:19 | |
Joint birthday and Christmas? | 0:18:19 | 0:18:22 | |
Right, chap, sharp scratch. | 0:18:22 | 0:18:24 | |
SHE SOBS See you later, Vince! | 0:18:26 | 0:18:29 | |
Quick question - at what point do you stop being a witness and start being an accomplice? | 0:18:29 | 0:18:34 | |
-Wendy? What is it? -Nothing... | 0:18:34 | 0:18:37 | |
-Have those boys been throwing eggs at our door again? -I found this. | 0:18:37 | 0:18:41 | |
-A red feather? -It's Bruce, my husband! He's found me! | 0:18:41 | 0:18:45 | |
Husband? Wendy, how many more lies? | 0:18:45 | 0:18:48 | |
You don't get it. | 0:18:48 | 0:18:49 | |
I've left before, but he always tracks me down. And when he does... | 0:18:49 | 0:18:53 | |
He's a wife pecker! | 0:18:53 | 0:18:55 | |
The last time, he was so rough, next morning, I... I mislaid. | 0:18:55 | 0:19:00 | |
-Oh, God, Wendy, don't. -It was like giving birth to an omelette. | 0:19:00 | 0:19:03 | |
-No, seriously, I've just eaten. -And I was thinking, you could talk to him. | 0:19:03 | 0:19:07 | |
Ah. Er, confrontation really not my forte. | 0:19:07 | 0:19:12 | |
Er, excuse me, are you the owner? | 0:19:12 | 0:19:15 | |
It's just, erm, sorry to be a bore, er you've actually parked on my, er... | 0:19:15 | 0:19:20 | |
well, my spine, which is a bit of a ruddy ball ache, really. | 0:19:20 | 0:19:24 | |
So if you could just, er... No? OK! | 0:19:24 | 0:19:26 | |
Thanks, anyway! | 0:19:26 | 0:19:28 | |
I understand. | 0:19:30 | 0:19:32 | |
Bok bok bok... | 0:19:32 | 0:19:35 | |
Did you just... Are you calling me a coward? | 0:19:35 | 0:19:37 | |
No, I make that noise naturally. It's a nervous thing. | 0:19:37 | 0:19:40 | |
Of course! Silly me. | 0:19:40 | 0:19:42 | |
Bwark bok bok bok bok bok. | 0:19:42 | 0:19:44 | |
-Are you sure? That's starting to look deliberate. -I swear on my mother! | 0:19:44 | 0:19:49 | |
Bwark bwark bok bok bok bok bok! BWARK bok bok bok bok bok bok bok! | 0:19:52 | 0:19:58 | |
Bok bok bok. Bok... | 0:19:58 | 0:20:01 | |
Fine, I'll talk to him. Where will I find this Bruce? | 0:20:01 | 0:20:04 | |
-The old abandoned Mississippi Fried Chicken on the edge of town. -Right. | 0:20:04 | 0:20:10 | |
We'll see who's the chicken | 0:20:10 | 0:20:12 | |
out of me and...your husband... | 0:20:12 | 0:20:15 | |
who's a chicken. | 0:20:15 | 0:20:18 | |
You asked for this, young lady. | 0:20:24 | 0:20:26 | |
Yes, I did. And you brought me right here, like the pathetic weakling you are. | 0:20:26 | 0:20:31 | |
Come on, Onions, you know that's naughty. | 0:20:31 | 0:20:34 | |
Bumbaclart. Who you calling naughty, blood? I'll stab you up, yeah? | 0:20:34 | 0:20:38 | |
It's like I'm in the middle of a badly scripted BBC One drama about inner-city knife crime! | 0:20:38 | 0:20:42 | |
-Yeah, bitches, recycle this! -Rivers! | 0:20:42 | 0:20:46 | |
I see you're, er, yeah, weeing again. | 0:20:46 | 0:20:49 | |
Always, baby, always. | 0:20:49 | 0:20:52 | |
So tell me, Afghan, what you in for? | 0:20:52 | 0:20:54 | |
-I mauled Gary! They were this close to putting me down! -Sweet. | 0:20:54 | 0:21:00 | |
-In fact, mind if I...? -Free country. | 0:21:00 | 0:21:03 | |
SHE URINATES | 0:21:03 | 0:21:06 | |
Excuse me, I'm looking for the old abandoned Mississippi Fried Chicken. | 0:21:11 | 0:21:15 | |
Folks say it's haunted. | 0:21:16 | 0:21:18 | |
Folks say you can still hear the lost souls screaming at night | 0:21:18 | 0:21:23 | |
as they dip 'em in the batter. | 0:21:23 | 0:21:26 | |
Folks say you spend the night there, sends you mad. | 0:21:26 | 0:21:29 | |
-Mad! -HE CACKLES | 0:21:29 | 0:21:32 | |
And do these folks perhaps say where it is? | 0:21:32 | 0:21:35 | |
Folks say it burnt down a hundred year ago. | 0:21:35 | 0:21:39 | |
Nothing left but ash and ghosts. | 0:21:39 | 0:21:42 | |
Right. So that wouldn't be it over there? | 0:21:42 | 0:21:45 | |
Oh, Mississippi Fried Chicken? | 0:21:46 | 0:21:50 | |
Sorry, I could have sworn you said Nightmare Abbey. | 0:21:50 | 0:21:54 | |
Well, you've been a great help. | 0:21:56 | 0:21:58 | |
And this is why they invented Google Maps. | 0:21:58 | 0:22:02 | |
MUSIC: "Killing In The Name" by Rage Against The Machine | 0:22:02 | 0:22:04 | |
Oh! Here's the trainer. | 0:22:04 | 0:22:05 | |
OK, so if the owners can just stand with their dogs, please. | 0:22:05 | 0:22:09 | |
Her?! She can't handle us! | 0:22:09 | 0:22:10 | |
-Doggies, sit nicely. -CLICK! CLICK! | 0:22:10 | 0:22:14 | |
This is going to be absolute carnage, innit, Rivers? | 0:22:14 | 0:22:16 | |
Rivers? OK, so what the hell just happened? | 0:22:19 | 0:22:23 | |
Good dogs! | 0:22:23 | 0:22:25 | |
-ALL: -I am a good dog. | 0:22:25 | 0:22:27 | |
Beg. | 0:22:27 | 0:22:29 | |
-ALL: -I beg you, master. | 0:22:29 | 0:22:31 | |
Rivers? What has she done to you? | 0:22:31 | 0:22:34 | |
Play dead. | 0:22:34 | 0:22:35 | |
-ALL: -Hello. I'm Richard Whiteley. | 0:22:35 | 0:22:38 | |
So, anyway, I'm thinking maybe that's enough dog obedience. | 0:22:40 | 0:22:44 | |
Gary! Please, Gary, no! CLICK! CLICK! | 0:22:46 | 0:22:49 | |
THUNDER RUMBLES | 0:22:53 | 0:22:56 | |
Bruce? | 0:22:57 | 0:22:59 | |
Er, Bruce? | 0:23:03 | 0:23:05 | |
Er, look, mate, I'm sure we can settle this amicably. | 0:23:05 | 0:23:08 | |
The last thing either of us want is a costly trip through the county courts. | 0:23:08 | 0:23:12 | |
Bruce? | 0:23:12 | 0:23:14 | |
Bruce? | 0:23:18 | 0:23:19 | |
Bru-uce? | 0:23:21 | 0:23:23 | |
Good Charlotte! | 0:23:29 | 0:23:31 | |
What are you doing, you maniac?! | 0:23:31 | 0:23:33 | |
Think of it as karmic payback for all the pain your kind has inflicted upon mine. | 0:23:33 | 0:23:40 | |
People know where I am, you know. Like Wendy! | 0:23:40 | 0:23:42 | |
Think you'll find I know dear Wendy rather better than you do. | 0:23:42 | 0:23:47 | |
-Hi, Nelson! -NELSON GASPS | 0:23:47 | 0:23:50 | |
Wendy! That disguise! | 0:23:50 | 0:23:53 | |
NVQ in Theatrical Make-Up. | 0:23:53 | 0:23:55 | |
Bloody well done, girl, they don't just hand those things out for... You lying bitch! | 0:23:55 | 0:23:59 | |
HE SNORES | 0:23:59 | 0:24:02 | |
Oh, I'm sure I am suffering slightly from empty nest syndrome. | 0:24:02 | 0:24:07 | |
But I'm looking on the bright side. | 0:24:07 | 0:24:09 | |
At least I am two stones lighter! | 0:24:09 | 0:24:11 | |
Eh, Ruth, eh? | 0:24:11 | 0:24:13 | |
HE LAUGHS This one will run and run! | 0:24:13 | 0:24:16 | |
Let's get you some more cream, Chopsticks. | 0:24:16 | 0:24:19 | |
This is good idea. | 0:24:19 | 0:24:21 | |
HE PURRS | 0:24:21 | 0:24:23 | |
Hey, you know, it's no so bad. | 0:24:23 | 0:24:26 | |
I may not have my guys. | 0:24:26 | 0:24:28 | |
At least I have my Ruth. | 0:24:28 | 0:24:30 | |
DOOR OPENS | 0:24:30 | 0:24:31 | |
I guess you know who I am. | 0:24:34 | 0:24:36 | |
Chopsticks! | 0:24:36 | 0:24:37 | |
It was all a lie? | 0:24:39 | 0:24:41 | |
You? Me? Il Divo? | 0:24:41 | 0:24:44 | |
Can't stand them. I mean, what are they? Are they opera, are they pop? | 0:24:44 | 0:24:48 | |
-Stop it! Just stop it! -Shhh. | 0:24:48 | 0:24:52 | |
You'll disturb your neighbours. | 0:24:52 | 0:24:54 | |
-Afternoon. -Vince? | 0:24:56 | 0:24:58 | |
Small world, eh? Ha! | 0:24:58 | 0:24:59 | |
-And not a word about this to Janice, OK? -She fooled you, too? | 0:24:59 | 0:25:03 | |
Always had a thing about poultry. | 0:25:03 | 0:25:05 | |
-The dirtiest thing you can do, innit, -BLEEP -a chicken. | 0:25:05 | 0:25:08 | |
Not if you love each other, actually. | 0:25:08 | 0:25:10 | |
Silence! Prepare to burn in hell! | 0:25:10 | 0:25:12 | |
Now, I reckon you'll want about fifteen minutes at 800 watts, so... | 0:25:12 | 0:25:18 | |
Oh, God. Where's Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall when you actually need him? | 0:25:18 | 0:25:22 | |
I heard you took a bullet for me. Well, now I'm back. | 0:25:24 | 0:25:28 | |
And you're on my cushion. | 0:25:28 | 0:25:29 | |
You cannot just waltz in here. | 0:25:29 | 0:25:32 | |
For Ruth, I will fight to the bloody end! | 0:25:32 | 0:25:36 | |
RIPPING Oh... | 0:25:37 | 0:25:39 | |
OK. Yeah, er, oh, | 0:25:39 | 0:25:41 | |
I think I just split my stitches. | 0:25:41 | 0:25:44 | |
You know, at this setting, we'll be incredibly rubbery. | 0:25:45 | 0:25:48 | |
My bloody head's cooking. | 0:25:48 | 0:25:50 | |
Do something! | 0:25:50 | 0:25:52 | |
I'm free! How convenient. | 0:25:54 | 0:25:57 | |
-Kill the chicken! -With what? | 0:25:57 | 0:25:59 | |
Er... Oh! | 0:25:59 | 0:26:01 | |
OK, chicken. | 0:26:01 | 0:26:03 | |
-Watch it! -Time you came home to roost. | 0:26:03 | 0:26:07 | |
Now cut her bloody throat! | 0:26:16 | 0:26:18 | |
-Look, do you just want to carve? -Get on with it! | 0:26:18 | 0:26:21 | |
Oh, great(!) It's Christmas '07 all over again. | 0:26:21 | 0:26:24 | |
-Don't do this! I love you! -Really? | 0:26:24 | 0:26:28 | |
Because I love you too, and... | 0:26:28 | 0:26:30 | |
HE SCREAMS | 0:26:30 | 0:26:32 | |
I don't think things are working out between us, Wendy! | 0:26:32 | 0:26:35 | |
I'm just not ready for this sort of commitment! | 0:26:35 | 0:26:38 | |
It's not you, er, | 0:26:38 | 0:26:39 | |
it's, er, me! Ah! Ah! Ah! | 0:26:39 | 0:26:42 | |
And I was all, like, "It'll take more than some plastic clicker to tame this bitch." | 0:26:45 | 0:26:50 | |
-Believe... -CLICK! CLICK! | 0:26:50 | 0:26:52 | |
OK, Agent Cue Ball, you know what to do. | 0:26:52 | 0:26:56 | |
Kill Stephen Hendry. | 0:26:56 | 0:26:58 | |
Kill Stephen Hendry. | 0:26:58 | 0:27:01 | |
Ooh, check it! Full instructions for making a dirty bomb. | 0:27:01 | 0:27:05 | |
So that's Father's Day sorted. | 0:27:05 | 0:27:07 | |
-OK, you do realise they can track you down for using those sites? -Yeah, I know they can. | 0:27:07 | 0:27:12 | |
Armed police! Get down on the floor now! Don't move! Cuff him! | 0:27:13 | 0:27:17 | |
Anyway, no nuts, how's life without any balls? | 0:27:17 | 0:27:21 | |
Lonely. At least I got a souvenir. | 0:27:21 | 0:27:24 | |
-Say hello to my little friends. -Hang on. Three? | 0:27:24 | 0:27:29 | |
Turns out I had massive testicular tumour, | 0:27:29 | 0:27:32 | |
-so in a way, having my balls cut off saved my life. -Right, | 0:27:32 | 0:27:36 | |
-so it was worth it, then? -No. | 0:27:36 | 0:27:38 | |
Nelse! What the frig? | 0:27:40 | 0:27:43 | |
Oh, let's just say I learned an important lesson. | 0:27:43 | 0:27:45 | |
Never go out with someone from a different species or genetic background to yourself. | 0:27:45 | 0:27:49 | |
Mm. It never works. | 0:27:49 | 0:27:51 | |
Well, we had to break up. All got pretty messy, | 0:27:51 | 0:27:54 | |
by which I mean I cut her head off with a plastic knife. | 0:27:54 | 0:27:57 | |
According to Wikipedia, chickens can live for over a year, even with no head. | 0:27:57 | 0:28:01 | |
-HE LAUGHS -No. You can't trust Wiki. You see, it's not properly moderated. | 0:28:01 | 0:28:05 | |
ELECTRIC KNIFE WHIRRS | 0:28:07 | 0:28:09 | |
HE SCREAMS | 0:28:09 | 0:28:11 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:28:25 | 0:28:28 | |
E-mail [email protected] | 0:28:28 | 0:28:31 |