Episode 1 Mongrels


Episode 1

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

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Are you my special little baba?

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Margaret. My silver-haired princess.

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I am anything you want me to be.

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Oh, there's a clever little baba.

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And OK, I'm not your first cat. I've come to terms with this.

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There'll always be a place in your heart for Mr Whiskers,

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the tabby-coloured cocksucker.

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But us. I feel like a kitten again, and I really think you could be the...

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SHE SCREAMS Margaret?

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Margaret...

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MARGARET!

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HE BLOWS

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Breathe! Don't you die on me, old girl!

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-Let her go, Marion. It's too late.

-You don't know! You're not doctor!

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-No. But then it has been four months.

-Seriously?

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-Wow. Because that totally flew by.

-Hmm.

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So...if you're finished. It's just, you know, getting kind of hungry.

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Oh, yeah. Sure. Go to town.

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No, come on man, that's disrespectful.

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Well, might as well just come out with it. I'm in love!

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-With a human woman!

-Hold up, Nelson.

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Where did you get the laptop?

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Hmm? Oh, Tesco.

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I hid in the bushes, snuck in at closing time, went to the computer department.

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Then took a CD, then used it to jimmy open the till,

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then nicked all the Computers For Schools vouchers.

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-Then set up a fake school.

-Right.

-I mean it was a heck of a lot of work.

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And Ofsted was an absolute bloody nightmare.

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You're such a cock-end.

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But it was worth it to meet Wendy. She runs this Il Divo fansite.

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She's sweet, she's clever...

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Not that clever if she's, for instance, talking to a fox on the Internet.

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Ah, thing is, Kali. Haven't actually mentioned the whole fox thing.

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She thinks you're Toby Anstis?

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She doesn't think I'm not Toby Anstis.

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-So what else have you used his name for?

-Nothing!

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God, why all the suspicion?

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36 quid to Duchy Originals?

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Duchy biscuit anyone?

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Marion! Long time no see. Let me guess.

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-The old rogue got tired of being tied down to one woman, eh?

-Yes.

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Also she did the Christopher Reeve down the stairs and died.

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-So, what I miss?

-Oh, nothing much.

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I took Vince to a swanky wine bar.

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I think we're onto a winner here, Vince.

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Play it nice and cool, son, nice and cool.

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And we set ourselves up in the chandelier cleaning business.

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Brace yourself, Destiny.

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TINKLING

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LOUD CRASH

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And then, sadly, my uncle died.

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Albert?

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The joy just seemed to go out of it really.

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Well, I would say it's good to be home.

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But that would be horrible lies.

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-<

-Destiny! Time for your appointment.

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Oh, God. It's Wednesday.

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OMG, it's Wednesday! Oh!

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Don't just stand there, you stupid bastard!

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Don't you know what Wednesday means?!

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-HE CHOKES

-Nigel Slater's Simple Suppers?

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Worse. Even worse than that.

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-Guys, gals, doggies, welcome back to Strictly Dog Dancing!

-You know what?

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I hope you get renal failure.

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Really, I do.

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As always, me and Sparky will kick things off with a demonstration.

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Isn't that right, Sparky?

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-That is correct, Dale. Yes.

-Two, three, four!

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# We've got to all stick together

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# Good friends are there for each other

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# Never ever forget that

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# I've got you and you've got me

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# So reach for the stars

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# Climb every mountain higher

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# Reach for the stars

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# Follow your heart's desire... #

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Look at these LOSERS!

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Seriously, most people have to fly a plane into a building

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before they're surrounded by this many virgins.

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# ..that's when your dreams will all come true. #

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Thank you!

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Who's a good little boy then?

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Is it Sparky?

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Well, not one to blow my own trumpet, Dale, but yes, it is me!

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Now then, guys and gals, your turn! In fact...Gary. Come on up here.

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No! Oh, for the love of God!

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-No!

-SHE CHOKES

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Hope you're ready, love. I want to see those fleckerls!

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This is so cruel! Like when I was a pup and you rubbed my nose in it!

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Though, in fairness, I have rubbed your nose in it.

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# You've got a dead wife

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# You've got a dead wife... #

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SHE CHOKES Two, three, four.

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# Good friends are there for each other

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# Never ever forget that

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# I've got you and you've got me

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# So reach for the stars... #

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Step step through the legs! When she does it,

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little treat.

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I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate...

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Oh, doggy chocolate.

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HE SIGHS

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I want to join your evil scheme.

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Sure. Just make a cheque out to Tom Cruise, we'll send you a fact pack.

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-What?

-Sorry, which evil scheme do you mean?

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You know, get in with some old lady, bump her off and take her money.

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-We could be the biggest thing since Harold Shipman and Snowdrop.

-Snowdrop?

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MUSIC: "Oh Fortuna" by Carl Orff

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"..being of sound mind does hereby..."

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Oi, Harry, how do you spell 'bequeath'?

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So, this stupid bastard's gone AWOL, yeah?

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You turn up, say it's you.

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But he looks nothing like me!

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-He has a slightly lazy eye.

-Got it covered.

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Just focus on my beak,

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on my beak,

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on my beak,

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on my beak, on my beak,

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on my beak, on my beak...

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and wok!

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HE CHUCKLES

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-Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are you going?

-To meet Wendy.

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-You're meeting an actual human woman?

-Mm-hm.

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-But you're a fox!

-In a tie.

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-She's not going to want YOU!

-Well, you know what? I don't care!

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I just want to...smell her.

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Just once.

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So, did it work?!

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Russell Howard! What in the name of Marty Feldman happened to your eye?

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Why are you both wearing ties?

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Clever little Destiny!

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That's really cheered me up!

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Yeah, funny, isn't it, fat arse?

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Let's see who's laughing when I pee on Helen's grave.

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NEW YORK ACCENT: What's a nice girl like you doing at a municipal adult education centre like this?

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Who? Me? Oh, nothing.

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We're just...hanging out. Playing a bit of pool.

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Great footwork, Destiny, might want to work on those rondes...

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GO AWAY! How about you?

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Oh. I'm in for Dog Obedience.

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-It was either this or a one-way ticket to Battersea.

-Whoa!

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Sorry to ask.

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Are you doing a bit of wee right now?

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Sweetheart, do I look like a market stall holder to you?

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-No.

-Exactly. That's why I do all my business indoors.

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SHE LAUGHS

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Anyway, I'd better scoot.

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-Oh, my God, you're itching your arse on the carpet!

-Oh, yeah.

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Sticking it to the man.

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Gary... Don't look now, I think I'm in love!

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-HE GASPS

-You...

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My Wendy!

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And what a body! Right up my street, because I'm a real leg man.

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Preferably four as a rule, but...

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Sorry. Might sound weird, but have you seen Toby Anstis?

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Hold up. You're Wendy?

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Oh, great. 20-mile round trip from Crawley, Toby Anstis is a bloody fox!

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Wow. Guess we've both been rumbled.

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-Boy is my face red!

-And I mean us two, you know, probably shouldn't even be talking to each other!

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God, no. Oh, well, we'll just have to chalk it up to experience.

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-No more lying. So...

-HE LAUGHS

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I didn't lie about Il Divo.

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HE GASPS

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-Who's your favourite?

-Gosh, they've all got such different personalities.

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I'd have to say...Carlos.

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Is the correct answer!

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Um, OK, look, you've come a long way,

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I'm all dolled up... How about a bite to eat?

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Erm. OK.

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Great. There's actually a Nando's just around the...sorry, sorry, didn't think.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Hello. For it's me, Chopsticks, your loveably cross-eyed cat!

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Oh! My baby! You've come home!

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Indeed I have.

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Now bring on the sweetmeats!

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Sorted. Now let's make like a clairvoyant...

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and rob an old lady.

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# Today this could be

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# The greatest day of our lives

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# Today this could be

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# The greatest day of our lives

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# Oh

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# And the world comes alive

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# And the world comes alive

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# And the world comes alive

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# Oh oh oh-oh

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# Stay close to me

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# Hold on Stay close to me

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# Watch the world come alive tonight

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# Stay close to me

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# Oh stay close to me

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# And the world comes alive... #

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I just want to say...thank you.

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Thank you for an amazing day.

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Pleasure. I mean, how can it be wrong for a fox to fall in love with a chicken...

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In love?

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-Er, what I meant to say was...

-Don't say anything. Just kiss me.

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-Cuddle?

-Cuddle.

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Mmm! Seriously, Ruth,

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wonderful technique.

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I'm off to see Freddie the magpie.

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See if I can't fence this lot on.

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You are a depraved bird of hate. Get out of my sight!

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Oh, don't worry, Marion. You won't be seeing me again for some time.

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I bid you adieu.

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Cannot believe this. A new owner and, for once, there's no catch!

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You were a naughty boy to run away, Chopsticks.

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But I know why you did it.

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You didn't want your little baubles cut off, did you?

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-But now that you're home, we can get you neutered first thing in the morning.

-Huh?

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OK, that's the catch, right there.

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Leave me. I've got to learn.

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..and then he just cocked it,

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-right then and there, and did quite a big wee in a corridor.

-Morten Harket!

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I'm a wild animal, I'd never THINK about doing that inside.

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Yeah, because he's an outlaw and you're a square.

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I'm not a square. I break the rules.

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-The rules of Boggle.

-Still takes guts!

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I have to find a way into that obedience class.

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Oh, erm, talking of matters of the old heart E-T-C,

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I've got a mate, right, and, get this,

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er, he's a fox, and he's fallen in love with a bloody chicken!

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And as girls, what's your, er, what's your take on it?

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-Hold on one second. A fox...

-Mm.

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-..and a chicken?

-Mm-hm.

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BOTH: NOOOOOO!

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BANG!

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-Why do you ask?

-Oh, you know, no reason.

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OK, so here's a funny story.

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-Tomorrow morning, I'm getting surgically castrated!

-HE LAUGHS

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Nothing? No? Wow, tough crowd!

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Marion, what are you on about?

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Er, it is Ruth. She wants me to have a little trim downstairs.

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-So I thought, "Why not?"

-Why not?! It's not like getting a haircut!

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-They don't just grow back!

-I knew that!

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(I didn't know that.)

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I say go for it. You know, you can achieve a hell of a lot in life without any testicles.

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Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Buble!

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Exactly.

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And so, if anyone wants to see my balls for the last time, say now or forever...

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-No.

-Nah, you're good.

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-Nelson?

-Hm?

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Why can't I meet your friends?

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Are you... Are you ashamed of me?

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No! God! I just want us to have some space, get to know each other first.

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Anyway, let's Boggle!

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-<

-Nelson?

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-<

-Are you playing Boggle without me?

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Vince!

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Damn you, Boggle! Have I learned nothing from the cautionary tale of Anne Frank?

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-<

-Yahtzee! Oops.

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Er, you have to hide. He'll kill you.

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Quickly! Um, er, behind the scatter cushions!

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-Oi oi, Nelson, you

-BLEEP

-wanker.

-NELSON LAUGHS

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-Yes. Nice to see you, too.

-Now, what we got here, then?

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-Well, I can make

-BLEEP, BLEEP

-sticks.

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-BLEEP

-lips. Um...

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-And

-BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP

-jockey.

-VINCE LAUGHS

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So that's 37 points to you.

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Hold on. I smell chicken.

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And you know what I think about chickens, don'tcha?

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# They're not from this country

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# They spread dem disease

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# They look the same and all wiggle their heads when they speak

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# They lay loads of eggs to get free accommodation

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-#

-BLEEP

-all the chickens Dem the scourge of the nation

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-#

-BLEEP

-chickens

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-#

-BLEEP

-'em back where they belong

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-#

-BLEEP

-chickens

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-#

-BLEEP

-'em all the way to Hong Kong

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# Oh, you get loads and loads all living under one roof

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# They're no good at flying

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# People know the truth

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# Channel 4 make documentaries with them all the time

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# But no one cares about the plight of the vulpine

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-#

-BLEEP

-chickens

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-#

-BLEEP

-'em back where they belong

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-#

-BLEEP

-chickens

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-#

-BLEEP

-'em all the way to Hong Kong... #

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All together now!

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-#

-BLEEP

-chickens

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-#

-BLEEP

-'em back where they belong

0:15:170:15:19

-#

-BLEEP

-chickens

0:15:190:15:21

-#

-BLEEP

-'em all the way to Hong Kong

0:15:210:15:23

-#

-BLEEP

-chickens

0:15:230:15:24

-#

-BLEEP

-'em back where they belong

-BLEEP

-chickens

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-# To actually

-BLEEP

-a chicken would be wrong. #

0:15:280:15:31

I'm sure it wasn't intentional, but some of that sounded prejudiced.

0:15:310:15:35

So, tell me, Nelson, what's behind those scatter cushions?

0:15:350:15:40

Er, would you believe me if I said

0:15:400:15:43

feminine beauty products?

0:15:430:15:45

-Yeah.

-Good. Anyway,

0:15:460:15:48

oh, goodness me, is it Doc Martin already?

0:15:480:15:50

Sod this, let's go and find some old slapper to bang.

0:15:500:15:54

Another six points. Well played.

0:15:540:15:57

Now, I'm dropping the payload on the bedspread!

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Obedience class, here I come! SHE STRAINS

0:16:060:16:10

Wow, it is like I've landed in the middle of an R. Kelly sex tape.

0:16:100:16:14

Oi! Bit of privacy? SHE STRAINS

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Because you're making it go back in!

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-OK!

-SHE STRAINS

0:16:200:16:22

Oh, it just feels wrong!

0:16:220:16:24

I'll have to find another way.

0:16:240:16:26

You asked for this, Gary -

0:16:260:16:28

a prolonged attack of antisocial barking.

0:16:280:16:31

Bark. Bark. Bark.

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Bark. Bark. Bark. Bark.

0:16:340:16:38

Bark. Bark. Bark.

0:16:380:16:40

SHE SIGHS

0:16:400:16:42

Bark. Bark. Bark.

0:16:420:16:44

Bark. Bark. Bark. Bark.

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Bark. Bark. Bark.

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Bark.

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GOD! This is really hard!

0:16:520:16:55

Of course, Destiny, you do realise that there is a very simple way to upset Gary.

0:16:550:17:01

I'm arresting you in connection with the ritual sacrifice of Stephen Hendry.

0:17:010:17:05

-Oh, yeah!

-SHE LAUGHS

0:17:050:17:08

Kali, I am not framing him for the murder of a famous snooker player.

0:17:080:17:12

That's your answer for everything!

0:17:120:17:14

Come on, then, my little disco doggy. Shall we practise our salsa?

0:17:140:17:17

-Shall we?

-Oh, get lost, Gary! Get OFF!

0:17:170:17:20

-Ow! Jesus Christ!

-Oh, God...

0:17:200:17:23

Why didn't I think of this sooner?

0:17:230:17:25

SHE GROWLS

0:17:250:17:27

Oh, no, Destiny, no. No, no, the testicles, no!

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HE SIGHS

0:17:300:17:32

So, lads, end of the line.

0:17:320:17:35

You look after each other, OK?

0:17:350:17:36

As you can see, we offer several options.

0:17:360:17:39

The platinum package, with an overnight stay and full aftercare support.

0:17:390:17:43

Let's go with that. I think we'll go with that.

0:17:430:17:45

-The gold package, as you can see, is slightly cheaper.

-No, no, still the first one.

0:17:450:17:49

Or if you are on a budget, we offer a no-frills value package.

0:17:490:17:53

We are not on a budget. Money no object, right, Ruth?

0:17:530:17:57

Well, times are tight, with the economy how it is.

0:17:570:18:00

What? No, no, no! There are green shoots of recovery.

0:18:000:18:02

We are officially out of recession!

0:18:020:18:04

-I think we'll have to go with that one.

-Which one? Which one?

0:18:040:18:07

If you'd just like to settle up with my receptionist.

0:18:070:18:10

Can I pay on my card?

0:18:100:18:11

Not for less than five pounds, no.

0:18:110:18:13

Less than what?! Ruth! Don't be a tightwad!

0:18:130:18:16

I'll chip in!

0:18:160:18:18

It could be my birthday present!

0:18:180:18:19

Joint birthday and Christmas?

0:18:190:18:22

Right, chap, sharp scratch.

0:18:220:18:24

SHE SOBS See you later, Vince!

0:18:260:18:29

Quick question - at what point do you stop being a witness and start being an accomplice?

0:18:290:18:34

-Wendy? What is it?

-Nothing...

0:18:340:18:37

-Have those boys been throwing eggs at our door again?

-I found this.

0:18:370:18:41

-A red feather?

-It's Bruce, my husband! He's found me!

0:18:410:18:45

Husband? Wendy, how many more lies?

0:18:450:18:48

You don't get it.

0:18:480:18:49

I've left before, but he always tracks me down. And when he does...

0:18:490:18:53

He's a wife pecker!

0:18:530:18:55

The last time, he was so rough, next morning, I... I mislaid.

0:18:550:19:00

-Oh, God, Wendy, don't.

-It was like giving birth to an omelette.

0:19:000:19:03

-No, seriously, I've just eaten.

-And I was thinking, you could talk to him.

0:19:030:19:07

Ah. Er, confrontation really not my forte.

0:19:070:19:12

Er, excuse me, are you the owner?

0:19:120:19:15

It's just, erm, sorry to be a bore, er you've actually parked on my, er...

0:19:150:19:20

well, my spine, which is a bit of a ruddy ball ache, really.

0:19:200:19:24

So if you could just, er... No? OK!

0:19:240:19:26

Thanks, anyway!

0:19:260:19:28

I understand.

0:19:300:19:32

Bok bok bok...

0:19:320:19:35

Did you just... Are you calling me a coward?

0:19:350:19:37

No, I make that noise naturally. It's a nervous thing.

0:19:370:19:40

Of course! Silly me.

0:19:400:19:42

Bwark bok bok bok bok bok.

0:19:420:19:44

-Are you sure? That's starting to look deliberate.

-I swear on my mother!

0:19:440:19:49

Bwark bwark bok bok bok bok bok! BWARK bok bok bok bok bok bok bok!

0:19:520:19:58

Bok bok bok. Bok...

0:19:580:20:01

Fine, I'll talk to him. Where will I find this Bruce?

0:20:010:20:04

-The old abandoned Mississippi Fried Chicken on the edge of town.

-Right.

0:20:040:20:10

We'll see who's the chicken

0:20:100:20:12

out of me and...your husband...

0:20:120:20:15

who's a chicken.

0:20:150:20:18

You asked for this, young lady.

0:20:240:20:26

Yes, I did. And you brought me right here, like the pathetic weakling you are.

0:20:260:20:31

Come on, Onions, you know that's naughty.

0:20:310:20:34

Bumbaclart. Who you calling naughty, blood? I'll stab you up, yeah?

0:20:340:20:38

It's like I'm in the middle of a badly scripted BBC One drama about inner-city knife crime!

0:20:380:20:42

-Yeah, bitches, recycle this!

-Rivers!

0:20:420:20:46

I see you're, er, yeah, weeing again.

0:20:460:20:49

Always, baby, always.

0:20:490:20:52

So tell me, Afghan, what you in for?

0:20:520:20:54

-I mauled Gary! They were this close to putting me down!

-Sweet.

0:20:540:21:00

-In fact, mind if I...?

-Free country.

0:21:000:21:03

SHE URINATES

0:21:030:21:06

Excuse me, I'm looking for the old abandoned Mississippi Fried Chicken.

0:21:110:21:15

Folks say it's haunted.

0:21:160:21:18

Folks say you can still hear the lost souls screaming at night

0:21:180:21:23

as they dip 'em in the batter.

0:21:230:21:26

Folks say you spend the night there, sends you mad.

0:21:260:21:29

-Mad!

-HE CACKLES

0:21:290:21:32

And do these folks perhaps say where it is?

0:21:320:21:35

Folks say it burnt down a hundred year ago.

0:21:350:21:39

Nothing left but ash and ghosts.

0:21:390:21:42

Right. So that wouldn't be it over there?

0:21:420:21:45

Oh, Mississippi Fried Chicken?

0:21:460:21:50

Sorry, I could have sworn you said Nightmare Abbey.

0:21:500:21:54

Well, you've been a great help.

0:21:560:21:58

And this is why they invented Google Maps.

0:21:580:22:02

MUSIC: "Killing In The Name" by Rage Against The Machine

0:22:020:22:04

Oh! Here's the trainer.

0:22:040:22:05

OK, so if the owners can just stand with their dogs, please.

0:22:050:22:09

Her?! She can't handle us!

0:22:090:22:10

-Doggies, sit nicely.

-CLICK! CLICK!

0:22:100:22:14

This is going to be absolute carnage, innit, Rivers?

0:22:140:22:16

Rivers? OK, so what the hell just happened?

0:22:190:22:23

Good dogs!

0:22:230:22:25

-ALL:

-I am a good dog.

0:22:250:22:27

Beg.

0:22:270:22:29

-ALL:

-I beg you, master.

0:22:290:22:31

Rivers? What has she done to you?

0:22:310:22:34

Play dead.

0:22:340:22:35

-ALL:

-Hello. I'm Richard Whiteley.

0:22:350:22:38

So, anyway, I'm thinking maybe that's enough dog obedience.

0:22:400:22:44

Gary! Please, Gary, no! CLICK! CLICK!

0:22:460:22:49

THUNDER RUMBLES

0:22:530:22:56

Bruce?

0:22:570:22:59

Er, Bruce?

0:23:030:23:05

Er, look, mate, I'm sure we can settle this amicably.

0:23:050:23:08

The last thing either of us want is a costly trip through the county courts.

0:23:080:23:12

Bruce?

0:23:120:23:14

Bruce?

0:23:180:23:19

Bru-uce?

0:23:210:23:23

Good Charlotte!

0:23:290:23:31

What are you doing, you maniac?!

0:23:310:23:33

Think of it as karmic payback for all the pain your kind has inflicted upon mine.

0:23:330:23:40

People know where I am, you know. Like Wendy!

0:23:400:23:42

Think you'll find I know dear Wendy rather better than you do.

0:23:420:23:47

-Hi, Nelson!

-NELSON GASPS

0:23:470:23:50

Wendy! That disguise!

0:23:500:23:53

NVQ in Theatrical Make-Up.

0:23:530:23:55

Bloody well done, girl, they don't just hand those things out for... You lying bitch!

0:23:550:23:59

HE SNORES

0:23:590:24:02

Oh, I'm sure I am suffering slightly from empty nest syndrome.

0:24:020:24:07

But I'm looking on the bright side.

0:24:070:24:09

At least I am two stones lighter!

0:24:090:24:11

Eh, Ruth, eh?

0:24:110:24:13

HE LAUGHS This one will run and run!

0:24:130:24:16

Let's get you some more cream, Chopsticks.

0:24:160:24:19

This is good idea.

0:24:190:24:21

HE PURRS

0:24:210:24:23

Hey, you know, it's no so bad.

0:24:230:24:26

I may not have my guys.

0:24:260:24:28

At least I have my Ruth.

0:24:280:24:30

DOOR OPENS

0:24:300:24:31

I guess you know who I am.

0:24:340:24:36

Chopsticks!

0:24:360:24:37

It was all a lie?

0:24:390:24:41

You? Me? Il Divo?

0:24:410:24:44

Can't stand them. I mean, what are they? Are they opera, are they pop?

0:24:440:24:48

-Stop it! Just stop it!

-Shhh.

0:24:480:24:52

You'll disturb your neighbours.

0:24:520:24:54

-Afternoon.

-Vince?

0:24:560:24:58

Small world, eh? Ha!

0:24:580:24:59

-And not a word about this to Janice, OK?

-She fooled you, too?

0:24:590:25:03

Always had a thing about poultry.

0:25:030:25:05

-The dirtiest thing you can do, innit,

-BLEEP

-a chicken.

0:25:050:25:08

Not if you love each other, actually.

0:25:080:25:10

Silence! Prepare to burn in hell!

0:25:100:25:12

Now, I reckon you'll want about fifteen minutes at 800 watts, so...

0:25:120:25:18

Oh, God. Where's Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall when you actually need him?

0:25:180:25:22

I heard you took a bullet for me. Well, now I'm back.

0:25:240:25:28

And you're on my cushion.

0:25:280:25:29

You cannot just waltz in here.

0:25:290:25:32

For Ruth, I will fight to the bloody end!

0:25:320:25:36

RIPPING Oh...

0:25:370:25:39

OK. Yeah, er, oh,

0:25:390:25:41

I think I just split my stitches.

0:25:410:25:44

You know, at this setting, we'll be incredibly rubbery.

0:25:450:25:48

My bloody head's cooking.

0:25:480:25:50

Do something!

0:25:500:25:52

I'm free! How convenient.

0:25:540:25:57

-Kill the chicken!

-With what?

0:25:570:25:59

Er... Oh!

0:25:590:26:01

OK, chicken.

0:26:010:26:03

-Watch it!

-Time you came home to roost.

0:26:030:26:07

Now cut her bloody throat!

0:26:160:26:18

-Look, do you just want to carve?

-Get on with it!

0:26:180:26:21

Oh, great(!) It's Christmas '07 all over again.

0:26:210:26:24

-Don't do this! I love you!

-Really?

0:26:240:26:28

Because I love you too, and...

0:26:280:26:30

HE SCREAMS

0:26:300:26:32

I don't think things are working out between us, Wendy!

0:26:320:26:35

I'm just not ready for this sort of commitment!

0:26:350:26:38

It's not you, er,

0:26:380:26:39

it's, er, me! Ah! Ah! Ah!

0:26:390:26:42

And I was all, like, "It'll take more than some plastic clicker to tame this bitch."

0:26:450:26:50

-Believe...

-CLICK! CLICK!

0:26:500:26:52

OK, Agent Cue Ball, you know what to do.

0:26:520:26:56

Kill Stephen Hendry.

0:26:560:26:58

Kill Stephen Hendry.

0:26:580:27:01

Ooh, check it! Full instructions for making a dirty bomb.

0:27:010:27:05

So that's Father's Day sorted.

0:27:050:27:07

-OK, you do realise they can track you down for using those sites?

-Yeah, I know they can.

0:27:070:27:12

Armed police! Get down on the floor now! Don't move! Cuff him!

0:27:130:27:17

Anyway, no nuts, how's life without any balls?

0:27:170:27:21

Lonely. At least I got a souvenir.

0:27:210:27:24

-Say hello to my little friends.

-Hang on. Three?

0:27:240:27:29

Turns out I had massive testicular tumour,

0:27:290:27:32

-so in a way, having my balls cut off saved my life.

-Right,

0:27:320:27:36

-so it was worth it, then?

-No.

0:27:360:27:38

Nelse! What the frig?

0:27:400:27:43

Oh, let's just say I learned an important lesson.

0:27:430:27:45

Never go out with someone from a different species or genetic background to yourself.

0:27:450:27:49

Mm. It never works.

0:27:490:27:51

Well, we had to break up. All got pretty messy,

0:27:510:27:54

by which I mean I cut her head off with a plastic knife.

0:27:540:27:57

According to Wikipedia, chickens can live for over a year, even with no head.

0:27:570:28:01

-HE LAUGHS

-No. You can't trust Wiki. You see, it's not properly moderated.

0:28:010:28:05

ELECTRIC KNIFE WHIRRS

0:28:070:28:09

HE SCREAMS

0:28:090:28:11

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:250:28:28

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0:28:280:28:31

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